That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 4 - No Man Is a Manhattan Island - full transcript

My name is Ann Marie.

I grew up in Brewster, New York.

But for the past few years,

I've been living in New
York City in an apartment.

I'm Ella Tansy
from Elkins, Iowa.

My husband George and I own
a little house on Grover Lane.

All right, Ann
Marie, Mrs. Tansy,

get ready to get rich quick.

Ann, for ten dollars each,

you have 30 seconds
to tell me the names,

first name and last,



of the neighbors in
your apartment building.

- [buzzer]
- Go.

- Uh...
- [clock ticking]

Uh, let's see, there's
Ruthie and Jerry Bauman.

You've just won $20. Keep going.

And, uh... uh... there's, uh...

Mrs. Pomerantz.

What's her first name?

I don't know. Anyway, she moved.

15 seconds to go.

Oh, there's, uh...

Oh, that nice-looking
couple down the hall.

Namely?

I don't know.



[buzzer]

Oh, I'm sorry. Your time is up.

[audience applauds]

Ann, I'm afraid you haven't
been a very good neighbor.

Ha ha ha! Yes.

Mrs. Tansy, for
ten dollars each,

you name your
neighbors on Grover Lane.

- [buzzer]
- Go.

There's Bill and Cora Wills,

Jim and Jane Barton,
Ed and Ethyl Brown.

- Do children count?
- You bet.

Jim Jr., Karen, Laura, Steve,
Timmy, and Billy Barton.

Oh, Steve's a whiz at math.

Hank and Ellie Peters
across the street.

He's just getting
over pneumonia.

Frank, Hilda, and Helen Gibbs.

Paul, Gloria, Ann,
and Willie Smith.

- [buzzer]
- Congratulations, Mrs. Tansy.

You have just won $210.

I never got to mention
the Friedmans.

Yes. And, Un-neighborly,
you won $20.

[applause]

Oh, but don't feel bad, Ann.

Can you both come
back on Friday?

- Oh, you bet I can.
- Oh, sure.

Good. Because that's
our jackpot bonus day

when Get Rich Quick pays $50 for
each and every piece of information.

Information about what?

Ah-ha-ha, that would be telling.

But I'd advise you to
start loving your neighbors.

That's it for today, folks.

Let's hear it for
this good neighbor...

[applause]

and, uh, that girl.

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

Well, that's it, Donald.

I still have a chance to win.

I've got three days...

Well, two and a half,
really, to get to know

everything I can
about my neighbors.

- How do you do that?
- By making friends with them.

Uh, two, please.

And how do you
do that in this town?

Well, that shouldn't
be too hard.

I figured it out.

I can kinda stop and chat
in elevators, you know.

And ring doorbells if I have to.

They'll have you locked up.

Don't you know there's a law against
talking nice to your neighbors in New York?

Well, Donald, that is all wrong.

People should really try
and reach out to one another.

[chuckles] Well, try walking
through Central Park at night,

and you'll see how many
people reach out for you.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

Say, uh, I'm Ann Marie in 4-D.

Well, good evening.

Grace, remind me to get
a new lock for our door.

[buzzes]

Hi. I'm Ann Marie from
down the hall in 4-D.

Yes?

Well, I thought it'd be
nice if we got acquainted.

What's your name?

Biff Johnson.

[Woman] Who is it, honey?

It's a neighbor.

[Woman] What does he want?

It's a she.

Oh. Well, what does she want?

Oh. Uh, I'm... I'm Ann Marie
from down the hall in 4-D.

I didn't even know your
husband was married,

which is just my point...

Why don't you just knock it off!

- Good morning.
- Huh?

I'm Ann Marie in 4-D.

- We're neighbors.
- So?

Well, I just thought
we've never met before.

No, we haven't.

And I thought it might be nice,

you know, if we got acquainted.

Oh, hey, that's not a bad idea.

How would you
like to go dancing?

Oh. No.

Bad feet.

My, that certainly is
a large can of olive oil.

Yeah, it is.

Where did you ever
buy such a large can?

Oh, I don't buy it, I sell it.

I'm in the business.

My, is that ever
fascinating, "in the business."

I just love olive
oil. It's terrific.

You do?

Yes. Well, I mean,
I think it's really

one of the most useful
things on the market today.

I mean, you can use it for salads
and seasoning and cooking and frying.

I just love it.

Well, why don't
you and I go upstairs

and, uh, we can toss a salad?

[laughs] Yeah, that...
that could be nice.

I'll, uh, ask my fiancé.
Maybe he'd like to join us.

Well, bye. I'll see ya.

Hi there!

- What?
- I said hi.

I'm Ann Marie from 4-D.

What apartment are you in?

I'm sorry, but I make it a rule

never to talk to my neighbors.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

The first thing that happens is

you'll know who my callers are

and I'll know who
your callers are.

Then we'll be embarrassed
when we see each other,

and we'll avoid
bumping into each other,

and it'll throw our
schedule completely off

and make it just simply
a hateful situation.

Good day.

What am I gonna do
about the show tomorrow?

I've only got one neighbor
I can talk about: Jerry.

Well, I'm a a pretty
fascinating subject.

Honey, I told you, New Yorkers
just don't open up to their neighbors.

I think it's in the lease.
They're not allowed.

Look, honey, is it possible
you came on too strong?

Oh, sure. I said "good
morning" to them.

They don't have to
listen to that kind of talk.

The trouble is New
Yorkers never come together

except in some kind of disaster.

Isn't just living in New
York enough of a disaster?

You know what I mean, Jerry.

A blizzard, a sanitation
strike, a water shortage.

[Jerry] How about
that power failure?

Have you any idea how
friendly people get in the dark?

I still get a phone call
every once in a while

from a guy I shared
an elevator with.

Listen, just relax and accept
that's the way it is, Ann.

Ann, where are you?

Where'd she go?

[buzzers buzzing]

[buzzer buzzing]

What's going on?

[buzzing continues]

[Man] Hey, what's
with the buzzers here?

- What in the world is that?
- What's all the noise?

I don't know. I was
coming up the stairs

and I just heard
all these buzzers.

- What's going on?
- What do we do?

I know. Why don't
we call the janitor?

Come on in my apartment
while I try and get him.

No, we don't wish to intrude.

Oh, don't be silly.
We're all in this together.

Come on in.

- Let's go.
- Come on.

I'll try and get
him on the phone.

Don't you go away.

[Automated female voice] At
the tone, the time will be 5:31...

Well, I guess he's not in.

I'll check the buzzer
panel downstairs.

Donald!

Uh... Well, uh...

Why don't we all
introduce ourselves?

I'm Ann Marie and that was
my boyfriend Donald Hollinger.

- I'm Jerry Bauman.
- I know that.

Uh, I'm Horace Hansen,
and this is my wife Grace.

I'm Bob Macintosh from
Indianapolis. I'm a designer.

Ed Ferrone. I'm in olive oil.

We're Biff and Jill Johnson.

Isn't that nice?

Imagine, it took
a thing like this

for us to all get acquainted.

Well, that's New York for you.

- That's how it is.
- Yeah.

Uh, well, listen,

why don't we all sit down,
and I'll make some coffee?

Just make yourselves
comfortable.

- [buzzing stops]
- Hey, it stopped!

I guess your boyfriend
must have fixed it.

We'd better go now.
Nice meeting you.

Thank you. Good night now.

Wait a minute. Wait.

I have an announcement to make.

Uh, I'm... I'm going to give
a little party this evening,

and I'd like you all to come.

You're gonna give a party?

[all talking]

We have to do something.

Well, uh... It's my birthday.

You wouldn't turn me
down on my birthday.

Your birthday?
Well, happy birthday!

- Happy birthday!
- Thank you.

Well, I'll see you
all later, then.

Around 7?

- Okay.
- Great!

Don't bring any
presents, though.

- We'll see you later.
- Okay. Bye.

Well, are you the one who
fixed the buzzers, young man?

Uh, yes. It wasn't
very hard to do.

Well, we're very grateful.
See you later, Miss Marie.

Yes.

What was it with
the buzzers, Don?

Oh, just one of your
average minor disasters.

You'll see them later when?

At her birthday party tonight.

Oh, you're having
two birthdays this year?

You mean today
isn't my birthday?

Ha ha ha. Good, honey.
Good. Really good.

The birthday and the buzzers.

What did you expect me to
do, come up with a blizzard?

- [loud chatter]
- Yeah, it was great.

Everything was delicious.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah, the cake was terrific.

Good night, Biff. Bye, Jill.

- Lovely party.
- Good-bye.

- Thank you, Mr. Ferrone.
- So much fun!

Thank you,
Mr. Macintosh. Bye-bye.

Thanks for coming, Mrs. Hansen.

Good-bye, Mr. Hansen.
Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye!

[Jerry] Great party, Ann.

Yeah, the best birthday
party you ever threw yourself

eight months
before your birthday.

- I had a terrific time.
- And profitable, too.

They couldn't stop
talking about themselves.

You're gonna
need a Brink's truck

to haul away all the
loot you're gonna win.

It was a lovely evening and
not because of the money.

- Nah!
- No!

All right, all right, I do admit

that it all started out
because of the money.

But once I got to
meet all of those people

and see what they were like, I
was really ashamed of myself.

- Oh, honey...
- No, Donald, I mean it.

I mean, I was ashamed because
I never took the time before

to meet them and
share in their lives

and let them share in my life.

At ten bucks a share?

Jerry, when are you going
to learn to trust people?

When my best friend returns the
five dollars she borrowed from me

to buy a two-dollar
birthday cake.

I'm sorry.

I'll get my purse.

So... Wait, wait, wait.

So then, the girl
with the pigeons

says to the juggler...

- [clears throat]
- Oh.

What's the matter, honey?

I left my purse on my dressing
table, and now it's not there.

Well, maybe that's
not where you left it.

That is where I left it.

I had it out just
before the party started

when I paid the grocery boy.

So it's gotta be someplace else.

It's not someplace
else. I know I left it there.

Is, uh, anybody thinking what...

- No. No, they're not.
- But isn't it possible...

All right, all right.
All right, I'll say it.

While you were at the party
sharing with your neighbors,

one of your neighbors
decided to share your purse.

Donald, what are we gonna do?

There's only one thing to
do. We've got to call the police.

Oh, no, Donald!

Ann, somebody stole that money.

I don't care. I'm not gonna
squeal on my neighbors.

So you're just gonna forget
about the money and the purse

and the fact that a
crime's been committed?

I'm gonna just have to try.

I can't commit to loving
my neighbors one day

and then send them
to prison the next.

All right, but you just
can't forget about it.

Let me suggest that you just kinda
casually observe them for flaws,

flaws in their behavior.

What do you mean, flaws?

Well, I don't
know. I don't know.

Uh, something the Hansens
might say, Ferrone might do.

Macintosh I don't think
you have to worry about.

But watch them.

Donald, maybe somebody
at the party did take my purse,

but I'm certainly
not gonna jeopardize

the wonderful relationships that
I've started with all the neighbors

just because of
one rotten apple.

One rotten apple.
Must be Macintosh.

Good morning, Miss Marie.

Oh, good morning.

Grace and I certainly had
a wonderful time last night.

Oh, I'm so glad.

You show-people certainly
know how to throw a party.

Thank you.

I, uh, hope you're gonna
let Uncle Sam pay for it.

What do you mean?

Well, you're in
showbiz, Miss Marie.

For you, entertainment is
a tax-deductible expense.

I know, but last night's party
wasn't a business expense.

[scoffs] Who's gonna know?

Heck, I do the same
thing all the time in my line.

You're an
undertaker, aren't you?

That's right.

Well, who do you entertain?

Well, I said I
entertain my clients.

I never said I get laughs.

[chuckles] Good day.

Absolutely, honey.

It's very unscrupulous
of Mr. Hansen.

Unscrupulous? It's like
stealing from the government.

That's exactly what it is.

You know, Donald,
he's no less of a criminal

than whoever it
was who stole my...

Donald, you don't
think he's... he's the...

- [door buzzer]
- [gasps]

Donald, I'll call you back.
Somebody's at the door.

Okay. Bye.

- Oh, hi.
- Good morning.

This is a little token
of appreciation

for a most enjoyable
social evening.

Oh!

Compliments of the Bradleys.

Who?

The Bradleys. They're
our neighbors in 4-A.

They went away, and they forgot
to tell the milkman to stop delivery.

So every morning, free milk.

You take their milk?

Well, it's better than
letting it sit there and spoil.

No, of course not.

Couldn't you just leave
a note for the milkman

and tell him to stop delivering?

I figure he can
use the business.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

All right, we've narrowed
it down to two suspects.

Mr. Hansen steals
from the government,

and Mr. Ferrone
steals from the cow.

It's so depressing.

I'm living in a nest of thieves.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Hale.

Hi. Just checking to make sure
you'll be at the show on Friday.

Oh, certainly, I'll be there.

Groovy. Have you been
boning up on your neighbors?

I'll say.

Good. Say, did I tell
you about our special

jackpot bonus question?

No, I don't think so.

Well, we pay an extra $100

for the neighbor with the
most unusual occupation.

What if he's a burglar?

I was just kidding about that.

Well, I'll see you on Friday.

Yes, good-bye, Mr. Hale.

[knock on door]

Oh, hi, Jerry.

Case is closed. The kid did it.

Crime does not pay
when Bauman's in the way.

The criminal is as
well as behind bars.

- He's turning himself in.
- Funny. Clever and funny.

And somewhat cute, but wrong.

Who did it? Who did it?

Not so fast, Watson.

Let us first
reconstruct the crime.

Her purse was stolen.

Having reconstructed the crime,

let us reconsider the suspects.

All the neighbors are suspects.

Having reconsidered
the neighbors,

we shall break them
down one by one.

Jerry, will you come on?

Now, please tell me. Who did it?

Now, at first, I thought
it might have been Don.

Oh, good.

Because he was
the least suspect,

and the one who's
the least suspect

is the one you most suspect.

And the one you most suspect
is never the one who does it.

But when I realized that because
Don was the least suspect,

he was the one I most suspected.

I knew he couldn't have done it

because he was the most suspect,

and the one you most
suspect is never the guilty one.

I think I'm gonna throw
you out the window.

"However," I said to
myself, "wait a second."

Ann might have done it
herself for the insurance.

Jerry!

But then I
remembered that purse,

and I knew no one
would insure that purse.

So my attention
was immediately sent

in the direction of
the other neighbors,

and it's Biff and Bill.

Jiff and Jill? Jack and Jill?

It's Biff and Jill.

What about them?
What about them?

Ho ho ho! Wouldn't
you like to know?

Yes, I would like to know.

Tell me. Tell me what you know.

Oh, I didn't think
you'd want to know.

- Come on, Jerry.
- All right.

I happen to have
bumped into them today

at the Eastern Division Air
Conditioning Convention at the Coliseum.

What were they doing there?

Eating.

Just going around eating.

Free cookies, free hors
d'oeuvres, free everything.

He has nothing to do
with air conditioning.

And when I asked him about it,

he said he and Jill follow the
conventions all around town

and eat for nothing
that way all year long.

And that, my friends,

whether it sounds
like it or not,

is petty larceny.

You think that's the proof
that they took my purse?

Well, stealing is stealing.

Yes, I happen to agree with you,

but if we go by that definition,

then everybody in
this building is a thief.

Well, then crime
really doesn't pay.

I mean, how much
would each of them get

when they've got to
divide up your $50?

Oh, good morning, Miss Marie.

Good morning, Mr. Macintosh.

Oh, please, call me Bob.

Say, that was a great party.

Thank you.

I loved meeting
all the neighbors.

They seem like such nice people.

Terrific.

They reminded of the
kind of folks I grew up with.

What were they like?

You know, just
ordinary, plain people.

We joined the Boy Scouts,

went to the 4-H Club convention,

helped our daddies
work the fields.

That's terrific.

You're the kind of people that
are the backbone of America.

Oh, Miss Marie, that's lovely!

You really are a lovely person!

Oh, thank you.

I'm going to share
my secret with you.

You give and you shall receive.

Oh, please, I don't
really want anything.

Oh! All the more reason
why you shall have it.

And we won't be needing this.

Now... Now for my little secret

and my gift to you.

Now watch.

A coat hanger now.

Excuse me.

Now watch.

[washing machine starts]

Voilá!

And what do you have?

A free wash, courtesy
of the building.

And one rotten apple.

I beg your pardon?

Nothing. Nothing, Mr. Macintosh.

Well, now you know.

Everybody in this
building is a crook.

Why didn't you do like in
the old mystery movies?

Give a dinner party and
invite all the suspects.

Who knows what
they'd steal this time?

- [knock on door]
- I'll get it.

Maybe it's the guilty person
returning to the scene of the crime.

- Officer!
- Your name Ann Marie?

Yes, it is, sir. Is
something the matter?

- This your purse?
- Yes, it is! Where did you find it?

It was part of the loot we
picked up with the "cat".

Who?

A cat burglar who
does a lot of trade

is this part of town.

Oh, Donald! See?

It wasn't one of my
neighbors who took it.

Is that what you thought?

Certainly not.

How much money did
you have in your purse?

$50.

Here, sign this.

- There you are.
- Here's your 50.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

Next time, don't leave your
purse near an open window.

He came up the fire escape
while we were having the party.

Yes, that's the way
he always operates.

Well, good night, Miss Marie.

Thanks so much, Officer.

- Just doing my job.
- Really, thank you. I'm so grateful.

I mean, it's not just the money,

but now I can
trust people again.

Oh, Donald, I feel
so much better.

Me, too. At least we know
your neighbors aren't crooks,

but they may be burglars.

We really should be
ashamed of ourselves.

- Why?
- Because we never
even bothered

to think that it might
be a real crook.

The first thing we did was suspect
our neighbors, and that's wrong,

and that's what's wrong with
society today, too, Donald.

Well, honey,
rather than feel bad,

why don't you look
at the bright side?

What bright side?

You had a party, you
got your money back,

you learned there wasn't
a crook in the building,

and you found out enough about
your neighbors in this apartment

to help you win tonight.

Oh, my gosh! We'd better
get going. We're gonna be late.

And this is Ann Marie
from Brewster, New York,

now residing in an apartment
house in the Big Bird.

- Ready, Ann?
- Raring to go.

Good. Then for $50 each,

tell me every fact you
know about your neighbors

back in Brewster.

But how did you
remember Myra Greenstone

was the name of the librarian?

I don't know. It just
suddenly came back to me.

I remembered how we used to
call her "Red Stone" Greenstone

because the library was
made out of red stones

and her name was Greenstone.

That's fantastic. Two, please.

- And the "Myra" part?
- Oh, that was easy.

Myra was my aunt's name.

Oh. And your aunt
is a librarian, too?

Oh, no. She's a housewife.

Oh. Well, what was
it about your aunt

that reminded you
of the librarian?

Nothing.

Well, you said you remembered

the librarian's first
name was Myra

by remembering your
aunt's first name was Myra.

No, I didn't.

I said I got the name
Myra from my aunt.

That's my aunt's name.

I hadn't the slightest idea

what the librarian's
first name was.

You mean you made
it up on the spot?

Yeah.

Well, that's cheating.

No, it isn't.

He didn't ask for
first and last names.

And I got the last
name right, didn't I?

Goldstone.

Greenstone.

Oh, my gosh.

It was Goldstone, Donald.

I remember now. Agnes Goldstone.

Oh, Donald, I really did cheat.

I don't deserve
to get that money.

Honey, you didn't cheat.

You really thought
it was Greenstone.

If they don't check,
that's their fault.

Agnes Goldstone, not Greenstone.

Greenstone was the... [gasps]

Now what?

Greenstone was the druggist
in Brewster, not Greenstein.

I said Greenstein.

Greenstein was the tailor.

Well, who did you say?

Goldstein.

Oh, Donald, I'm through.

Honey, you're not through.
It was the show's fault.

What do you mean, the show?

I'm through in Brewster
with Greenstone, Goldstone,

Greenstein and Goldstein.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!