That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 3 - I Ain't Got Nobody - full transcript

You know, Donald,

I'm really excited about
my interview this afternoon.

Good, honey.

I mean, this could be a
really big break for me.

Good, honey.

And it's a steady
job, too, you know.

Good, honey.

And I dyed my hair purple

and was hit by a
cream cheese falben

right in the middle
of my craben.

A cream cheese what?



Honey, I'm sorry.

I've got to finish
this article by 2:00.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

You work, I won't
say another word.

Okay.

How do you like that
chopped olive sandwich?

Ann.

Sorry.

Don, you're not go... oh.

Hello, D-Don. H-Hi, Ann.

Hi, Jerry.

See you're wearing
your new neck.

Huh?

The wrapping's still on it.



Oh. [laughing]

I rushed right over
from the barber.

Well, what'd you want, Jerry?

Could I speak to
you, uh, a moment?

Alone?

Can't you talk in front of Ann?

Well, I-I'd rather not.

It's about the
letter you're typing.

I'm typing an article.

No, it's about
one of the letters

in one of the words in
the article you're typing.

Oh, listen, I can take a hint.

I've got an interview, anyway.

I'll get out of here.

Good-bye, Donald,
I'll talk to you later.

Bye, honey. Good luck.

Jerry, the dog barks at noon.

[Jerry] What does that mean?

You have your
secrets, I have mine.

Jerry, what's the matter?

I was just reading the latest
issue of Playpen magazine.

When I came to the
centerfold picture,

I had to rush right
out of the barber shop.

Huh. Well, that
must be some picture.

Isn't Ann that girl?

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

This looks just like Ann.

It is Ann, isn't it?

Yeah, but Ann...

Ann would never pose
nude for a magazine.

Well, it looks like Ann to me.

No, I-I can't believe it.

She would've told me about it.

Admit it, Don, it's Ann.

The proof's right
there in pink and white.

Look, there must be
a logical explanation.

Oh, there is a
logical explanation.

Ann walked into a room,
peeled off her clothes,

and a man took pictures.

Did you have to be that logical?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Don. Don't be upset.

Upset? Who's upset?

It doesn't bother you to
see Ann completely naked

in a national magazine?

Well, J-Jerry, she's
not completely naked.

Look.

She's wearing a staple.

Ha, ha.

I got to admire your control.

If this were Ruth, I'd
hang her by her thumbs.

Yeah, but it's Ann,

and it doesn't bother me at all.

Will you quit staring
at that picture?

Face it, Don. At this moment,

there are millions of
men staring at that picture.

Aah, got to you, didn't it?

No. No, no, it doesn't
get to me at all.

I mean, I realize
Ann has a career,

and part of her career

may be posing for
a picture like this.

But it's just a picture.
It's nothing, believe me.

Oh, I believe you.

I mean, after all,
I'm a mature adult,

a rational human
being able to cope

with harmless
situations like this.

[chuckling]

I'll see you later, Jerry.

Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

Over to Ann's to hang
her by her thumbs.

♪♪ [calliope]

Good afternoon.

Um, hello.

May I help you?

Well, um, I'm here to
see Captain Gooney

about the television show.

Oh. I'm sorry.

We're not hiring humans today.

[laughing]

Well, if you don't
tell Captain Gooney

that I'm a human,

I won't tell him
that you're really

a dashing, charming prince.

[groaning]

It's a deal.

You wait here. I'll go find him.

Oh, if it's not too much
trouble for you, handsome.

Handsome? She
called me handsome.

[laughing]

Oh, Captain Gooney.

Captain Gooney.

Ahoy.

Oh, ahoy.

She came about
the part in our show,

and she's nice, and I like her.

And she called me handsome.

Well, you are handsome.

And I like her, too.

Oh, goody, goody. She's hired.

Well, she's nice.

She's more than nice.

She likes me, and
she talks to me.

And she's "purty" and pure,

and clean as the driven snow.

Thank you, darling.

Darling? She called me darling.

Well, Miss Marie,
it looks like you're in

for quite a problem.

Oh, why is that, Captain Gooney?

Well, by next month,
every child in America

will be stopping you
for your autograph.

Oh, does that
mean I got the job?

How can I say no?

Fletcher obviously loves you.

Oh, I love him, too.

Ooh! She kissed me.

She kissed me with her
lips, right on my warts.

Oops! I mean, my bumbles.

Miss Marie, welcome
to Gooneyland.

Oh, Donald, I'm
so glad you're here.

I've got some fantastic news.

Oh, really?

Donald, I've been given a break

that could change
my whole career.

- Oh, what kind of a break?
- A big one.

I mean, it guarantees
tremendous exposure.

How could you
take a job like that

without seeing if I minded?

Well, why would I
think you minded

if I got a job on The
Captain Gooney Show?

Because I'm your fiancé,

and when you take a job like...

Captain who?

Captain Gooney, the highest
rated children's program,

and I'm going to be
on it every single day.

That's nice, but
I'm talking about

your picture in the magazine.

My picture in the magazine?

Oh. Oh, that.

I forgot all about that.

How could you
forget a thing like that?

Well, Donald, the show
is so much more exciting.

I'm afraid to ask what
you do on the show.

What is the matter with you?

I thought you'd be
so happy for me.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about trust

between two people that
are going to be married.

Why didn't you tell me you
were gonna pose for that picture?

Well, I guess it just
slipped my mind.

Okay, I'm telling you now.

I posed for Hairstyle magazine.

Oh. Was that before or after

you posed for Playpen magazine?

Playpen magazine?

Yeah. Here.

Isn't that you?

Uh,

uh, Donald, that's...

Where did you get that?
That... That's terrible.

That's not me.

It's not?

Well, I mean, that part is me,

but that part is a
total stranger, Donald.

How is that possible?

Well, I don't know.

I-I really don't know.

Last month, I...

I posed for Hairstyle magazine.

And see? See my flowing hair?

That's obviously
me in my hair pose.

And somehow, somehow,

my face is on
somebody else's body

in Playpen magazine.

Donald, this is terrible.

Where is this photographer?

On 34th street, why?

Come on.

So he can take a picture
of two people suing him.

Make it one suing,
and one punching.

Make it two punching.

But Mr. Sadler,

when I posed for
you for Hairstyle,

I was wearing a jumpsuit.

When I found myself
in that magazine,

- I was wearing nothing!
- So?

So? So what was her picture
doing in Playpen magazine?

[Sadler] I merely put
your girlfriend's head

on somebody else's body.

We do it all the time.

You just can't keep moving
people's heads around.

I can when I get paid for it.

Aren't you under contract
to Hairstyle magazine?

That's right.

I'm also under contract
to 12 other magazines.

And I give them
heads all the time.

That's terrible.

That's unauthorized
use of a head.

I'm going to sue.

You can't do that.
You signed a release.

Well, I'm going to
stop that magazine.

You can't do that,
it's on the stands.

I'm going to cry.

That, you can do.

Honey, aren't you
uncomfortable in that coat?

Yes, but I'm not taking
anything off in public.

Don't be so upset.

The important thing is that I
know the picture is not you,

and you know it's not you.

Well, there's another
important thing, too,

that a lot of people aren't
gonna know it's not me.

Honey, millions of people
don't even know you

to know it's not you.

Well, they will when they
see the face in that picture

With a picture like that,
who's gonna look at the face?

I get the feeling
everybody's staring at me.

Honey, don't be silly.

They're minding
their own business.

I guess you're right.

Oh, Donald, does it bother you

that everybody thinks they
know what I look like naked?

No.

Hiya, Don, Ann.

- [Ann] Hi, Bob.
- Oh, hi, Bob.

You're terrific.
You're really terrific.

I mean, just what you did.

- Oh, well, what did I do?
- You know.

Oh, Bob, please.

She believed in
something, and she did it.

Now that takes guts.

Is that really what you thought
when you saw that picture?

Sure. I said to myself,

"Oh, that Ann. She's
a wonderful girl."

I said to myself,

"If Ann wants to do
those things, it's okay

because it's for art's sake."

I said to myself, "She's tops."

[chuckling] Thank you.

Then I said to the guys,
"Ain't she got a great body?"

That's enough, Bob.

Ann, can I have your autograph?

I've never known a
real Miss February.

There you are.

Feb?

That's really all the part
of the month I'm entitled to.

You'll have to go someplace else

and find "Ruary."

What?

Well, you see,
just the face is me.

The rest of the body
belongs to somebody else.

You can't have everything.

That stupid picture

is going to cost
me a fantastic job.

Well, honey, look,
an undressed lady

isn't the best image to
bring to a bunch of kiddies.

Oh, Donald, it's just that
it's such a great break.

I mean, network television
and a good salary,

the perfect chance.

It's good-bye, Captain Gooney

and hello, unemployment line.

Wait a minute. Where
is a Captain Gooney

ever going to see a copy
of Playpen magazine?

Well, Jerry saw it
at the barber shop.

Oh. Yeah, well,

I guess you're just going to have
to hope that tomorrow morning,

the barbers of
America go on strike.

A little off the top, Frank,

and trim the sides, please.

Oh, by the way, Lew,

is that this month's Playpen?

Yes, it is, Harvey.
You want to look at it?

Yeah, thanks.

I go to the barber
shop once a month,

so I can read everything

my wife won't let me
have around the house.

My wife goes to the
beauty parlor once a week.

I wonder what she's reading.

Ooh.

They certainly have great
articles in this Playpen.

You mean, you actually
read the articles?

Well, only to steady my
pulse between the pictures.

[chuckling]

Nowadays, my
pulse needs steadying

whenever I read a newspaper.

Um, by the way, Lew.

How is your daughter, Ann?

Ann? She's fine, thank you.

Oh, the last time I saw her,

she was a young, skinny girl.

You'd be surprised
how much she's grown.

Yeah, bet I would.

What is she doing lately?

Oh, she's been working
as an actress and a model.

Model, eh?

Uh, what does she model?

Mmm, nothing in particular.

Yeah, and I'll bet
she's good at it.

The best.

In fact, pretty soon,

she should be getting
some big offers.

[chuckling] I guess so.

Um, by the way, do
you happen to have

a picture of Ann in your wallet?

I sure do.

Here's one for your suitcase.

- Oh, hi, Jerry.
- Uh, hi, Ann.

Where's Donald? I'm
supposed to go to lunch with him.

Uh, he's getting another book

for this article
we're researching.

Oh. Would it bother you

if I made a phone
call for a second?

No, go right ahead.

Hi, Gloria, it's Ann Marie.

Are there any messages?

Hmm. No Captain Gooney, huh?

Gooney.

Hmm, nothing.

No, no. Nothing is good.

I'll check with you
when I get back.

Okay, bye.

You know, I've got...

Uh, Don should be
back any moment now.

Jerry, is something
disturbing you?

Of course not. Why?

Well, it's just that you
haven't even looked at me

since I walked in the room.

Oh, I haven't?

I, uh, didn't notice.

It's the picture in
the magazine, isn't it?

Ann, to tell you the truth, I...

It's difficult talking to
a lady I've seen naked.

Jerry, how long
have you known me?

Do you think if that were...

Well, do you think
I would? I wouldn't.

Say you know I wouldn't.

Sure.

- That's a composite picture.
- Of course.

Didn't Donald tell you that?

Yes.

Oh, Jerry, please believe me.

That may look like me,
and that might be my face,

but that is not me.

All right, it's not you.

You really mean it?

I really mean it.

Oh, thanks Jerry.

Jerry? Who's Jerry?

This might look like Jerry.

It might be his face,
but it's not Jerry.

Any messages, Gloria?

Oh, Captain Gooney.

Uh-huh.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Thanks a lot. Bye.

Well, that's it, Donald.

He wants me to come right over.

Is he really upset
about that magazine?

Are you kidding? He hasn't
even seen his frog naked.

Ann, all you have
to do is tell him

the picture is not you.

Oh, he won't believe that.
He doesn't trust humans.

[banging on the door]

Daddy, what
happened to your face?

I cut myself this morning,

springing out of
a barber's chair.

Uh, hello, Mr. Marie.

What are you doing?

Keeping people from looking in.

Who'd want to look
in my apartment?

Everybody.

Daddy, what's the matter?

My little baby daughter
moves to the big city

and ruins her life forever.

And you say,
"What's the matter?"

You saw the magazine.

I not only saw the magazine,
I bought 78 copies of it.

I bought out every newsstand
from here to Brewster.

What good does that do?

Playpen has over
3 million readers.

At least 78 of them

will still think of my
daughter as unspoiled.

Oh, Daddy, I know
what you think,

but it's not what you think.

It isn't what I
think that matters.

It's every man in America
that I'm concerned about.

Mr. Marie, that face is Ann's,

but, believe me,
it's not her body.

Well, she told me,
and I believe her.

[phone ringing]

[Lew] I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Hello? Oh, hi, Sandy.
- That picture is a composite.

The only part that
is Ann is the face.

You're kidding.

They'll have to
print a retraction.

- How can you take back
a nude picture?
- What's the address?

No one's going to
believe it isn't her.

What time should I be there?

People won't even recognize her.

Okay, bye-bye.

That was my agent.

I just got an offer
from a producer

who saw that picture
in the magazine.

I thought people
wouldn't recognize her.

Oh, he didn't, Daddy.

He called the magazine,

and the magazine referred
him to the photographer,

and the photographer
told him to call my agent.

It's all my fault.

I should never have let you
move to New York in the first place.

Oh, Daddy, New York hasn't
got anything to do with it.

I wouldn't pose in the
nude because I'm me.

Other people have to
do what's right for them.

Now we both know

that all of me is
not in that picture,

so that should be enough.

What about that loony
producer who just called?

Well, he's not
necessarily loony.

He just saw a picture of a body

that he particularly liked.

Somewhere in this town,

a body is missing out on
some great opportunities.

And her father's missing
out on some great ulcers.

Honey, don't you think
you'd better get over

and see Captain Gooney?

- Who?
- Captain Gooney.

First it's loony,
now it's Gooney.

What's happening to you?

Captain Gooney?

Mmm, oh, yes.

Miss Marie, pull up a
chair. We'll have a powwow.

Thank you.

Uh, you wanted to talk to me?

About the picture in Playpen.

Oh, you've seen it.

We've seen it.
Everybody's seen it.

Boy, some miss sweetness.

Now Fletcher,

Yeah, miss pure
as the driven snow

sure did turn into slush.

I'm sure Miss Marie
has an explanation.

Well, I certainly
have, Captain...

Miss Marie, you see,
my entire audience

is made up of little children.

[chuckling] Well, they
don't read Playpen.

No, but their parents do.

We got to worry
about my ratings.

Captain Gooney,
little children are born

without any clothes on.

And besides, you know,

artists have been
having their models

pose in the nude for centuries.

And there really isn't
anything at all bad

about the human body.

Ooh, I sure am glad to
hear you say that, baby.

[laughing]

Give us a kiss, sweetheart.

We'll turn into a prince.

Captain Gooney,

what about all those little
children that watch your show?

Let them get their own broads.

You stop that.

You're making up a
lot of things about me

just because I
posed in the nude.

Well, none of them are true,

and besides, I didn't
pose in the nude.

You didn't?

No, I didn't.

The magazine used my
head on somebody else's body.

Do you have her number?

And will you stop hiding
behind that dumb frog?

Dumb?

I got this job because
I'm an actress,

not because of Playpen magazine.

And I'll be darned if
I'm going to try to keep it

just because of whatever
you've made up in your head,

Good-bye, Captain Gooney.

You're a disgrace
to the service.

Hmm.

[light knocking]

[knocking continues]

- Hi, baby. Give me a kiss...
- Oh!

[Donald] Ow, ow, ow.

Honey, honey, open...
Honey, it's me, open the door.

Oh, Donald. I'm sorry.

- I didn't know it was you.
- That's all right, honey.

I bought Fletcher
at the toy store.

- You're kidding.
- He's here to cheer you up.

Oh, sure. If anybody's going
to cheer me up, it's not him.

You still unhappy
about losing that job?

Well, not really.

It just was such a
good break, Donald.

Honey, you're a good performer,

and you'll come
by lots of breaks.

Oh, thank you, Donald.

You're a good performer,

and you'll come
by lots of breaks.

Why did you say that again?

Because I liked the
way you thanked me.

[laughing] [knocking]

- [Ann] Who is it?
- [Lew] Your father.

Oh, Daddy. Come on in.

Again, you're here.
You're always here.

He's always here.

Daddy, he's here a lot.

But just for the
sake of the record,

he's not always here.

Hi, Dad.

I just thought I'd throw that in

to remind you I'm going
to be your son-in-law.

You don't have to remind me.

As a matter of
fact, I'd be grateful

if you'd think of a way
to make me forget it.

Daddy.

Don't give me any
speeches, young lady.

I came here to
give you a speech.

Not about the magazine.

Mr. Marie... You keep quiet.

Now, there are at
least three people

who acted stupid on this thing.

First, there was
the photographer,

who put your head on
somebody else's body.

I spoke to my lawyer,

and he convinced me
that we can sue him.

- We?
- That's right.

Now the second
stupid person was me,

for not realizing

that you'd never pose
for a picture like that

in the first place.

Your mother and I
raised you differently,

and you've never let us down.

Oh, Daddy. You're the best.

I happen to know
that's the truth.

- Uh, Mr. Marie.
- What is it?

Uh, forgive my
reporter's curiosity,

but you mentioned there
were three stupid people.

Who was the third?

The third stupid person

was a guy sitting next
to me in the subway

reading a copy of
Playpen magazine,

and who made some rude
remarks about Miss February

to Miss February's father.

And can I borrow some
Epsom salts to soak this in?

My knight in shining armor.

In armor it would
be less painful.

Latest issue of Playpen,

hot off the barber chair.

How's Miss March?

Well, let's see.

Interesting, interesting,

but lacking a certain
intellectual quality

that shone through
for Miss February,

who happens to be a
personal friend of mine.

Only the intellectual part
was a personal friend of yours.

That's true.

But now she is forgotten,

as all eyes are focused
on the new centerfold,

with its strategically
placed shamrocks.

You know, Donald,
come to think of it,

I was really, very lucky.

Lucky?

Well, being Miss February,

I only had to be embarrassed
like that for 28 days.

Think of poor Miss March.

She has to go through
what I did for 30.

31.

30.

30 days has September,
April, June, and...

- Uh-huh.
- 31.

Well, anyway, it's all over.

Well, maybe not.

What do you mean, maybe not?

Well, they pick a Playpen pal
of the year, and who knows?

You may get enough votes.

- Who votes?
- Readers.

Oh, well, we'd never win.

Oh, I don't know.

I'm getting all the
guys at the office

to send in letters.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

♪ That Girl ♪