That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 14 - That Script - full transcript

[phone ringing]

Ahh! Oh.

- [ringing continues]
- Oh. [mutters]

What...

Hello?

Hello, Donald?
Were you sleeping?

Uh, no, honey. No, no.

I was just beating up
my room. What's wrong?

Oh, Donald, nothing is
wrong. Nothing is wrong at all.

In fact, something is marvelous.

Well, I think something's
marvelous, too, honey.



I don't know exactly
what I think is marvelous,

but I definitely think that
something is marvelous.

I got it.

My pillow is marvelous,
honey. Good night.

Oh, Donald, I'm
sorry. I know it's late.

But, oh, Donald, the most
fantastic thing has happened.

And I need $10,000, I think.

Okay, honey, we'll
get it in the morning.

I love you. Good night.

What did I just
say to that girl?

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪



♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

How many cups of coffee is that?

I don't know. It's
the second pot.

Oh, Donald, I
couldn't sleep all night.

I've never been so excited
about anything in my life.

What time is it?

6:15.

Donald, thank you
for coming over.

All my life, I've
heard the expression

"He's crazy about her," and
I've never given it much thought.

But now I know what it means.

You don't think I'll be able
to buy the rights, do you?

Joseph Nelson wrote A
Woman's Story in 1936.

Everyone in the world has tried
to get his permission to perform it,

but he will not allow
it to be performed.

He won't sell the rights.

Oh, Donald, he just
has to. It is so fantastic.

I mean, it's the greatest
part in the world.

It's an actress's dream.

Oh, Donald, I've got to find a
way to talk to Joseph Nelson.

Okay, okay. First things first.

- What's the first thing?
- The first thing you should do

is let him and the rest
of the world wake up.

The second thing you'd better
do is stop drinking so much coffee

before you have
a caffeine attack.

Donald, how do I
meet Joseph Nelson?

Well, you call your agent and
let him make an appointment,

if Nelson will give you one.

Suppose he does
sell me the rights?

Where am I going to get
the money to pay for it?

Well, if you stop
drinking so much coffee,

that'll give you an extra
couple hundred dollars.

- [laughing]
- It's not so funny.

Well, I offered him $10,000 for
somebody else, but he turned it down.

Offer him 20,000!

Where are you
going to get $20,000?

Oh, I don't know.
I'll get it someplace.

Donald, what's money compared
to this marvelous opportunity?

Do you realize that there
are some people in this world

that consider $20,000
like we consider ten cents?

- Do you know any?
- Sure. Howard Hughes.

Honey, Howard Hughes is
not going to give you $20,000.

Maybe he'll loan it
to me. I'm good for it.

- Right.
- Oh, I don't know where
I'm going to get it.

But I'm willing to spend every
penny I've saved in the bank.

I'll sell everything I own.

Oh, Donald, would
you risk some money?

Sure. Sure. So between what you
have in the bank and what you own,

I figure we still have to
come up with about $19,500.

- You don't have it, huh?
- No, honey, I don't have it.

I can throw about
$1,000 into the pot.

A thousand? Really?

Oh, that's wonderful.
Is that all you got?

No, that's not all I've got.

I'm keeping what else
I've got for our future.

In case I neglected to tell you,
I recently became engaged.

Oh, Donald. Sandy.

I pledge $100, anonymous.

Somebody I know must have a
few thousand dollars to throw around.

Look, Ann, before you
start to knock yourself out,

let me find out if he's
willing to sell at any price.

If he's not, that's it.

If he's not, that's not it.

But you can call him.

Is he in? Does he answer?

- Is it busy?
- Honey, calm down.

Yeah, you're right.
I got to calm down.

It's just all that coffee.

- Hello.
- What'd he say?

Mr. Farnsworth, please.

Not Farnsworth, Nelson!

- Farnsworth is Nelson's agent.
- But we want to talk directly!

Honey.

Uh-huh. I see.

Well, will you have him call Sandy
Stone as soon as he gets in, please?

Fine. Thank you very much.

- You didn't leave your number!
- He has it. Now go home.

As soon as I have something
to tell you, I'll call you.

I hate that. I hate to wait.

Call me even if you
have nothing to tell me.

- Call me and say,
"I have nothing to tell you."
- Okay, Ann.

But do me a favor.
Sit by the phone.

If it doesn't ring,
you'll know it's me.

$50,000?

He wouldn't take $50,000?

I told you. He doesn't
need the money.

Well, there must be
something he needs,

someway, somewhat.

Sandy, what does he want?

Ann, I have no idea.

I'm going to talk to him
myself. Where does he live?

Ann, it's impossible.

It's not impossible, Sandy.

It's impossible for you, because you
don't care that much about seeing him.

But it's not impossible to
me. Now, where does he live?

E what?

E-5.

E-5.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Here's Piney Falls. Maybe
he meant Piney Falls.

- No, that's just what he said.
- What?

If you see Piney Falls, don't say,
"Maybe he meant Piney Falls."

Here it is. Piney Springs.
Right near Springton.

- "Right near"?
- What is that, three inches?

- We could walk.
- That's about 50 miles.

And look. It's
all country roads.

So what? It'll be worth it.

"Worth it"? You don't even
know if he'll open the door

when we knock on it, and
you can say, "It'll be worth it?

He'll open the door. Believe
me, he'll open the door.

I may not know very
much about maps,

but I do know about acting.

And he'll open the door.

[moaning]

Is she all right?

Yeah, I think so.
Actually, I'm sure.

Certainly looks all right to me.

Yes, I'm coming around.

Where was this plane crash?

It wasn't a plane crash.

Uh...

She mumbled something about
staggering through the woods to get here.

Yeah, well, that's true.

You staggered through the woods?

Uh, no, no. She said that.

She's obviously acting, Joseph.

Anyone who'd come
all the way up here to act

is undoubtedly an actress

who wishes to impress you

for any one of a dozen
possible reasons, Joseph.

Is that right, young lady?

Well, I did fool you
for a minute there,

didn't I, Mr. Nelson?

Well, I must confess that
anyone who staggered to my door,

apparently injured,
would fool me, yes.

Oh, by the way, are you...

Excuse me. Are you
comfortable on this?

- Oh, yes.
- I made it.

You did? Oh, yes, it is, very.

My favorite stain.

Mine, too. Walnut.

No, spaghetti
sauce. Right there.

Reminds me of when I
didn't have to watch my diet.

All right, child.
Enough of this charade.

May I invite you
to leave our home?

Uh, yes. Come on, honey.
Thank you very much.

Yes. I'm very sorry. We
didn't mean to intrude.

I'm really just dreadfully,
dreadfully, terribly sorry.

Is this your second act opening,
or hopefully your first act closing?

Closing. We're going.

Not without
something warm inside.

- Joseph!
- Now, patience, my dear.

Patience. An undue
length of time has passed

without any introductions.

I am, as you well
know, Joseph Nelson,

and this is my wife.

- Hello.
- How do you do, sir?

I'm Donald Hollinger, and
this is my fiancée Ann Marie.

Ann Marie. [chuckles]

Now, that is a beautiful name.

Thank you. I really can't
take much credit for it.

My parents gave it
to me as a present.

On your birthday.

[both laughing]

Marvelously refreshing.

Just simply refreshing.

Well, I am very flattered
that you liked my book.

Oh, I didn't simply
like it, Mr. Nelson.

I became a part of it,

especially the part of Della.

Everyone always feels that
way about Joseph's writings.

All of them.

So that hardly makes
you exceptional.

Oh, no. I mean, no.

Uh, uh, Mr. Nelson,
I'm a writer, sir.

Has anybody seen my,
uh... My little rat-tail file?

- Oh.
- A rat-tail file?

Oh, here, here. Is this it?

Ah, thank you.

What I was about to say, sir,

is as wonderful as all
of your books have been,

your refusal to allow A
Woman's Story to be performed

suggests something of a
marvelous story in itself.

Perhaps. It was the
last thing I ever wrote.

I know.

But you've allowed
everything else to be performed.

Allowed? No.

I wrote all the screenplays
and all the adaptations.

No one else was ever
allowed to touch a word.

Well, that's what
I find so strange.

I mean, you know, why you don't
allow A Woman's Story to be performed.

Because, my dear,

A Woman's Story was more
than a simple book to me.

It was a portion of my life.

You see, Della was my wife.

Was your wife?

Mm-hmm. Oh, my first wife.

She died a year before
the book was published.

Well, Joseph, it's
getting rather late.

And if the ensuing story
doesn't bore these people,

it shall bore me.

So, therefore, I
prefer not to hear it.

I'm afraid that
Frances is right.

It is a personal story that
should interest no one.

And besides, she has had
her share of listening to it.

Oh, Mr. Nelson, I
wouldn't be bored, honestly.

I just would love
to hear about it.

I think that I would like
to think a little bit longer

about telling it to you.

May I have your phone number?

Oh. Oh, of course.

Oh, Mr. Nelson, thanks so much

for taking so much time with us

and for really understanding
my interest in Della.

Oh, you're quite
welcome. And I expect,

in the very near
future, to tell you why

I'm so interested in you.

Now, I hope that you two can
stumble your way back to your plane.

- Yes.
- Our car is parked
right down the road.

- Thank you, sir, very much.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Thank you. Good night.

Hmm.

The likeness is
remarkable, isn't it, Joseph?

Truly.

- I'm going to call him again.
- No, you're not, honey.

There was no answer before,
and there won't be any answer now.

Either they're not
answering the phone

or they went someplace
else for the meeting.

You're right. I'll
call them there.

- Where?
- How should I know?

Yeah, right. Don't
call them there.

Oh, Donald, suppose
he will sell me the rights?

Where am I going to get
the money to pay for them?

Honey, honey, if he agrees

to write the screenplay,
which apparently is the only way

he'll allow it to be done, then
you don't have to buy the rights.

He'll sell them to
a film company.

That's right. But what
if the film company

wants to cast another
actress in the part?

I don't think Nelson
will allow that to happen.

After all, apparently you're the
only reason he's doing the movie.

- Hello.
- [gasps] What happened?

- I just talked to him.
- Would you care to order?

- No! No! Of course not!
- I'm sorry, Ann.

- Isn't this a restaurant?
- Oh, yes. Pete, I'm sorry.

We'll order later.
Tell me, tell me.

Very simply, I would
call the waiter back

and order the best
champagne in the place.

Why, Sandy? Why?

Because, my dear client,

you are going to become
the star of A Woman's Story.

And I would say within
one year from today,

you will be the hottest, richest
movie star in the country.

Aahh!

- Sandy, what's the next step?
- We just sit.

Nelson's people have to come to an
agreement with some film company.

And when they do, I'm sure they'll
get in touch with us immediately.

Uh, t-tell me again.

Just tell me once more
what Nelson said about me.

He said, quite clearly,
that if it weren't for you,

the book would never
be made into a movie.

And he wanted me to know that he
would not do it unless you played the lead.

I thought that's what you said.

You know, we really should
order some champagne.

- We did.
- Thank you, Donald.

This is the part that I get
to like... the negotiations.

The wheeling, the dealing. We're
going to squeeze every cent out of them.

Yeah, that's good. But if they don't
want to pay me anything, that's okay, too.

I'll call you as soon
as I hear more.

Will you stay
close to the phone?

Do you know a surgeon
that can sew it to me?

Honey, honey, this is terrific.

Oh, Donald, it really
is. I just can't believe it.

I just wonder what it
was that I said or did

or what you said or did
that made him decide.

I don't know, darling,
and you shouldn't care.

Whatever it is, it's
wonderful for you.

And don't think it's not
going to be bad for me, either.

- What do you mean?
- Well, a year from now,
I'm going to be some big hit,

being engaged to the
richest, most famous

movie star in America.

That's right.

Because once you make the
deal, you can introduce her to me.

Oh, Donald.

I wish you'd
reconsider this, Joseph.

Frances dear, I know you
don't want me to tax myself,

but I can't tell you how I've been
looking forward to writing again.

Why, I've written hardly
anything at all since Della died.

Well, except her book.

This is going to be fun.

You had fun fixing furniture
before this girl came along.

Oh, and I will again.

But right now, I'm going
to write this screenplay.

You're making a mistake, Joseph.

Now, why do you say that?

How do you know she's an actress?
Simply because she says she is?

I spoke with her agent,
a very reputable man.

He showed me
some of her clippings.

She's done some fine things
and gotten excellent notices.

Oh, come on, Frances.

Enjoy this with me.

You sit down and relax, read,

and I'll write.

- [phone ringing]
- Hello.

Wow. You were sitting
next to it, weren't you?

No jokes, Sandy.
What? What's happened?

Well, I've just had the
greatest day of my life.

I spoke to the heads of three
major motion picture studios.

They all want to
buy the property.

And they all agreed
to let you star in it

without even
knowing who you are.

Nobody you talked
to knew who I was?

No. But it didn't matter.
They all want to do the film.

They know they'll make a fortune
out of it no matter who stars in it.

Thanks a lot.

Well, I mean,

I did show them
some film of you.

You know, just so that they
would know what you look like.

What film did you show them?

- Your Zip-Up commercial.
- My Zip-Up commercial?

Oh, Sandy, how
could you do that?

I was only a carbonated,
no-deposit bottle in that one.

All you could see was
my face and my rip-off top.

Why didn't you show them
Glow Bright commercial?

Remember? That was the
one I did the clothespin dance in.

So I made a mistake.

I guess that's why they only offered
me $30,000 for you to do the part.

- Ann?
- Sandy, I don't think

I want to have this
conversation on the phone.

I'll be right over.

- Let me tell you what else.
- No, no. Don't tell me anything.

I really want you to tell me
everything right to my person.

I shouldn't be alone. It's such
a marvelous moment in my life.

I'll be right over. Wait
right there. I'll take a cab.

Maybe I'll buy one.

That's right. I
turned them down.

- How could you do that?
- Very simple.

I know that they'll pay more.

The only way that they can get
the movie is if you agree to do it.

So, if we turn down the $30,000,

they'll have to make
us a better offer.

But suppose they say,
"Forget the whole thing,

we just won't make
the movie at all"?

I'm willing to take that chance.

You're willing to
take that chance?

- You're some gambler.
- [intercom buzzes]

Yes? Okay. Shh.

It's Wally Cohen,
their negotiator.

Hi, Wally baby.

Yes, yes, that's right.

$30,000 is totally
out of the question.

I know she's an
unknown, but so what?

Look, Wally, do you want to do A
Woman's Story with an unknown

or no movie at all
with 10,000 stars?

That's right.

H-How much?

You're kidding.

Look, Wally, call back when
you're ready to talk seriously.

Right. Bye.

What? How much?
What was kidding?

$50,000.

$50,000 isn't kidding, Sandy.

A wooden nickel is kidding. A
three-dollar bill is a small joke.

But $50,000 isn't kidding.
That's deadly serious.

- Call him back.
- I'm going to call him back,

and I'm going to ask for $200,000
and ten percent of the gross.

You really need a doctor, Sandy.

I wouldn't give me that if I
were in charge of the money.

That's why you're not your agent. Will
you go home so I can do my business?

Okay. But you'll call
me if you hear anything.

No, I'll call Queen Elizabeth.
Now get out of here.

Elaine, get me Wally
Cohen at Paramount.

My Crunchy commercial!
We should've sent him that!

Why hasn't he called?

Honey, he's probably
still negotiating.

Sure. He's going
to ask for 200,000,

and that Mr. Cohen is
going to say, "You're crazy,

"and that girl is crazy and bad

for being so ungrateful, so
just forget the whole thing."

I'm going to call Mr. Cohen
and tell him I'll do it for a dollar.

Maybe I'll even pay him $2.

[phone ringing]

- Donald.
- You want me to get it?

No. No. I'll get it.

How much?

Oh. Oh, for heaven
sakes. Excuse me.

Hello, Mrs. Nelson. How are you?

Oh, yes. I'll be home
all day tomorrow.

Well, anytime you like.

3:00 is fine.
That'll be just fine.

Is Mr. Nelson coming with you?

Oh. Oh, no, no. That's fine.

3:00. Bye.

What was that all about?

That was Mrs. Nelson, and
she really sounded strange.

Then it definitely was Mrs.
Nelson, 'cause she is strange.

She says she wants
to see me tomorrow.

[knocking on door]

- Who is it?
- Sandy.

Oh, Sandy! What?

They said no to the 200,000.

Oh, Sandy!

They offered only 100,000.

Oh, Sandy! Sandy,
that's wonderful!

Oh, you're wonderful!

"Only 100,000." That's funny.

It's not funny. It's hysterical.
I turned them down.

- I'll kill you.
- So they offered me 150,000.

- Take it!
- Okay!

I have to call them back
later. Well, how does it feel

knowing that a year from today,
you're going to be a very rich lady

and queen of the film world?

It won't change me a bit.

I'll still be your humble client

and your devoted lady.

Honey, I'm so proud of you.

They'll be no touching a queen.

[knocking on door]

- Mrs. Nelson.
- Yes.

- Please come in.
- Oh, thank you.

I shan't stay very long.

Oh, you can stay
as long as you like.

I'm just delighted you
wanted to come over.

Lovely apartment.
It's charming, really.

Oh, thank you. Uh,
would you like to sit down?

Oh, I hope that I'm not
inconveniencing you.

Oh, no, not at all.

I'm so glad you
wanted to come over.

I've just felt terrible
about the way

we intruded on
you the other night.

I hope that we can be friends.

I'm so sorry about that.

Oh, there's really
no need to apologize.

It was just an
uncomfortable coincidence.

Coincident?

Uh...

Look.

Oh, my gosh.

Who is she? She
looks just like me.

Joseph's first wife, Della.

Della, of A Woman's Story.

She could be my sister.

Joseph saw the
resemblance immediately.

That's why he was
so captivated by you.

Uh... Joseph is not
a well man, and...

Well, seeing you made him
feel as if he were alive again.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Nelson.

I'm sure that must
have upset you.

Oh, you think I'm jealous.

My dear, I'm past the
age of being jealous.

Well, why do you think Joseph
hasn't written since Della's death?

- I don't know.
- Because he can't
write anymore.

Oh, he... Oh, he
tried a few things,

but I managed to conceal them

from the publishers
and the critics.

Something happened.
He's just incapable of writing.

Why? I don't understand.

Joseph has finished
the first part of the script,

and this is what he's written.

[mouthing words]

And it was just
ramblings, Donald.

Page after page of it.

I mean, it had nothing at all
to do with A Woman's Story.

And he thinks
he's writing a script.

- That's awful.
- It really is.

So I've decided to tell Sandy

to just ask for a tremendous amount
of money that they would never accept,

and that way the movie
won't be made at all.

- That's an awful lot to give up.
- I'm not really
giving up anything.

They wouldn't have a
script to shoot with anyway.

This way, it'll just look like
I'm too high-priced an actress

instead of him
being a bad writer.

[knocking on door]

What's the emergency?

Sandy, did you accept
the $150,000 offer yet?

No, not yet. But
I will if you insist.

I mean, you seem so worried.

I keep telling you I
can get more money,

but if it'll stop you from
becoming a nervous wreck...

No, that's not the thing. I want
you to turn down the $150,000.

I want you to ask for more.

Attagirl, Ann!

This is suddenly becoming
my kind of a ball game.

Now, we're going to hold
out for the 200,000, right?

Well, no. I want you to
ask for a million dollars.

Now you're talking.

Honey, I know how you feel.

But I think you
did the right thing.

What, are you crazy?

[muttering]

You know, it was really a
beautiful thing Mr. Nelson did

to make this
cribbage board for me.

And it's even more beautiful
of you to teach me how to play.

I know you usually say no.

I should've said no.
You're never going to learn.

I will so. I know you couldn't teach
me how to play poker or rummy,

but I really wasn't
concentrating.

I'm going to learn this real
fast, 'cause I really want to.

You're never going to learn because
you don't have any card sense.

You don't know
anything about cards.

Some people are like that.

Oh, come on, Donald. You're
making a little too much of it.

I know all about cards.
Jack, queen, king.

Brilliant.

All right. There
are 50 cards here.

I know. Deal.

There are supposed to be 52.

Well, 50 out of 52 is okay.

We'll play till we use up
the 50. Come on, deal.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!