That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 13 - An Uncle Herbert for All Seasons - full transcript

That was a great party,
but I'm glad to be home.

You're not home, I am.

I meant I'm glad not
to be at that great party.

You didn't like the
people, did you?

Yeah, I did. I did
like the people.

They were your
friends. They were fine.

I really did like them.

- Me either.
- The worst.

Hey, look.

You got a telegram.

You want to make a bet



on the number of
misspelled words?

Misspelled words?

They're the only
people in the world

that can misspell letters.

That's very funny.

Did you just make that
up? That's very funny.

Look, the first one, already.

"Dear Lollipop."

Lollipop?

Yeah, Lollipop.

What word is that
supposed to be?

Lollipop... [gasps]

Donald, it's from Uncle Herbert.

It's from my Uncle Herbert.



Who's Uncle Herbert?

Oh, Donald, listen.

"Dear Lollipop..." He
always called me that.

"Cabled Lew, no response.

Coming in tomorrow
morning, Kennedy."

Donald, you will love him.

He's totally lovable,

and strange, and
wild, and weird,

and goofy, and cute.

He sounds like your twin uncle.

Oh, really?

"Please meet me at the airport,

you little tap-dancing devil."

Tap-dancing devil?

♪ On the good ship, lollipop ♪

Oh, Donald, I haven't
seen him in years.

[chuckling]
Tap-dancing devil, huh?

I was just part of
the famous team

known as Uncle
Herbert and Lollipop.

I'll have you know, we played
some of the finer living rooms

and finished
cellars in Brewster.

Did you, now?

He had this magic act,
and I was his assistant.

And every day when
I'd get home from school,

he'd be waiting on the
porch to teach me a new trick.

Didn't he work?

Oh, yeah.

He was in, uh,
mining, or building,

or electric nail files.

Mining, or building,

or electric nail files?

We were quite a pair.

I also played the violin,

and I won a baby
picture contest.

Donald, I'll have you know

that when I was in grade school,

I was extremely bright,
talented, and beautiful.

Oh, my luck. I never
got to meet that girl.

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

There. That's it.

It looks exactly
the same way it did.

To you it does. To
me, it's ten times better.

Do you ever get this
excited about meeting me?

You, sir, are a
continual excitement.

Uncle Herbert is a once
in 15 years excitement.

You know, it's a shame
your dad's out of town.

It's not a shame.

If he were home and he heard
Uncle Herbert were coming,

he'd go out of town.

Why?

Well, because to Daddy,

Uncle Herbert was
always a little too wild

and eccentric.

He never really did feel
comfortable around him.

How wild could he be?

Well, to Daddy he was wild

because he had so
many different businesses

and wives.

Wives?

And an elephant.

An elephant?

He tried to sell it to the
city as a snow remover.

Where did he get an elephant?

He kept it after his
circus went bankrupt.

Donald, let me fix my hair.

Again? Honey,
your hair looks fine.

You know, your favorite uncle

sounds like your friendly
neighborhood con-man.

You and Daddy have
the same suspicious mind.

Well, you have to
admit, sweetheart,

your average typical
American uncle

doesn't suddenly arrive
at Kennedy from Iceland.

Come on, let's go, please.

Wait, let me just get something.

- Now what?
- Look, Donald.

Won't he get a kick
out of seeing these?

- Aren't they darling?
- [clicking]

Fred Astaire will never
know how unlucky he is

that you didn't decide
to pursue dancing.

Come on.

Let me just check my hair.

Honey, your hair is fine.

Okay, I'm coming.

There's gate 50.

[Man on intercom]
Arriving passengers

from Air Ice flight 6

are now clearing
U.S. Immigration,

and can be met in the lounge.

Oh, here they come.

- Excuse me. Hi.
- [Woman] Hi.

Hi.

[no audible dialogue]

[shutters clicking]

[shutters clicking]

Well?

Well, none of them
is Uncle Herbert.

[Man on intercom]
Will Miss Ann Marie

please come to the
Immigration counter?

Will Miss Marie...

I'm Ann Marie. I'm Ann Marie.

Oh, all right. Would
you follow me, then?

Uncle Herbert!

[Herbert laughing] Lollipop.

Ann, let me look at you.

Well, you're a regular woman.

Only a decade
ago, you were a girl.

Oh, Uncle Herbert,
it's so great to see you.

Why are you in here?
Why is my uncle here?

I don't know, for a visit?

No, I mean, why
are you holding him?

Why didn't he come
out in the lounge?

Well, I left my wallet
in my other cape.

Capes have pockets?

Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Herbert,

this is my fiancé,
Donald Hollinger.

Who? Oh, your fiancé.

Oh, you're engaged
then, that means.

Yeah.

That's wonderful. That calls
for an engagement present.

There you are.
That's Iceland gold.

That's what we call
sardines in Iceland.

We call them Iceland gold.

Oh.

Oh, and for you, Lollipop,
a lollipop, tuna flavored.

Oh, Uncle Herbert.

Uncle Herbert, what
are you doing in here?

I don't know. What
am I doing in...

Oh, I know what I'm doing,
yes I know. Don't tell me.

I forgot about the flight
until the last minute.

You see, then I ran
and I jumped aboard.

And then, to my embarrassment,

you can understand
my embarrassment,

I realized that I
didn't have a ticket,

or a passport, or any money.

Mr. Marie is going to
have to prove his citizenship

before he can be admitted.

Oh, well, I'll just
wire my secretary.

I'll have her send
everything down.

Or is it up? Where
are we, up, or...

There must be
something we can do.

I mean, he can't
stay here for two days.

Oh, yes, I can stay here.

They have a very nice cot here,

and they tell me there's
plenty of fresh drinking water.

- Is that true?
- Oh, Uncle Herbert,
you angel.

You're not going to stay
here. I just won't hear of it.

Donald, pay for the ticket.

Uh, well, uh, of course.

How much is it?
First class, I guess.

Oh, first... yes,
I'm Ann's uncle.

Bob, how much was that ticket?

$309.80.

Do you want cash? Or can
I sign over my inheritance?

[laughing] Good.

Certainly obligated to.
Have another can of sardines.

Well, I am so dreadfully sorry

to have inconvenienced
you this way.

Oh, no, Uncle Herbert...

Oh. [speaking Japanese]

[chuckling] Yeah.

Who are they?

I don't know.

Well, after so many years,

I'm dreadfully sorry to have
inconvenienced you this way.

So many years, one
man pitted against nature.

For so many years,
one man locked

in single combat
with the elements.

For so many years,
with each rosy dawn

rising over the frozen horizons

and presenting a new challenge.

After so many years, the, uh...

I forgot what I
was going to say.

Anyway, you were apologizing

for forgetting your wallet

and costing me $310.

Oh, yes, that's exactly...

[chuckling] Very good.

Well, Ann, Ann,

how is my brother, your father?

Oh, he's fine, Uncle Herbert.

As a matter of fact, he's away
at a restaurant convention,

but he'll be back today.

Well, it's just as
well he's out of town

because if he'd
heard I was coming,

he'd have probably
gone out of town.

That is not true.

It's amazing how a sense
of humor runs in the family.

Listen, why don't
you two wait here?

I'll get the car, and we can
drop you off at your hotel.

I'd like to stop by the office for
a few minutes, if you don't mind.

Oh, that would be
very nice of you.

Thank you, very
nice. Isn't he nice?

- Yes, he is.
- I like him. Very nice.

While he's getting the
car, I think I'll call Daddy

and leave a message.

Perk up his day, Lollipop,
don't mention my name.

And that is the
first can of tuna

that we ever canned.

We put it right in there.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Mmm-hmm.

Uh, I'll just be another minute.

Oh, take your time.

We're having ourselves
a time over here.

Hollinger, I was just reading
this latest article of yours,

and I must say I...

I didn't know you
were entertaining.

Well, no, that's all
right, Mr. Adams.

You know Ann, and
this is Ann's uncle,

- Herbert Marie.
- Oh.

Herbert, this is Jonathan Adams.

How do you... oh.

Oh, the rosette in your lapel.

Mi hermano es aventurero.

[laughing]

Mi hermano es peligroso.

They speak the same language.

Oh, yes, Ann.

Your uncle and I are both
members of the famous

international adventurers club,

founded in Madrid.

And what chapter...
Where are you from, Herb?

Well, I'm from
the frozen tundra.

Where the rosy-fingered dawn

reaches down and
touches the ice caps.

Home of the rainbow sunset,

where you can watch
the silently gliding fjords.

- [Adams] Where is it?
- [Herbert] What were
you saying?

- No, where...
- Oh, oh, yes, where.

From remote Iceland,
sir, remote Iceland.

Remote Iceland, is that so?

And just what do you do there?

Nothing, really interesting.

Man of the city, like you.

- Man of the city?
- Yeah.

Oh, come now, Bert,
are you forgetting?

El hermano aventurero.

I almost did. I
should take notes.

I'm not as fast as I used to be.

- Well, anyway, as long as...
- Yes.

I might as well bore you
with some exciting but true

investment adventures
at the tip of the world.

Uh, Uncle Herbert,
we'd better get going.

I'm sure you're bored here.

- Oh, no, no.
- Hey, really.

What... What I meant was,

it's just that he
just got into town,

and all he's seen
is this building.

I'm sure he wants to
visit the... the planetarium.

Oh, no, I've seen
the planetarium.

It's an all-star show.

All-star, planetarium.

If I ever heard a punster.

Bert, you're a man
after my own heart.

- At least.
- Huh? What?

Uh, uh, well,

at least let us take you
to lunch, Uncle Herbert.

Oh.

No, Bert. Are you famished?

Well, I'm hungry, but
I'm never famished,

as long as I have
my sales brochure.

Sales brochure, huh?

Mr. Marie, the dawn is breaking.

You have some kind of
fishing business up there?

I breed tuna.

Well, come on, Uncle
Herbert, we'll have some lunch.

Don, Don, why don't you
and Ann run along to lunch,

and we two old punsters
will have lunch together

in the executive dining room.

Oh, in the executive...
Yes, that would be nice.

That would give me a
chance, Jonathan, to fill you in

on the marvelous
future in Iceland.

Well, gee, Uncle Herbert,

there's a place I wanted
to take you for lunch.

It's my favorite place.

Right, we'd really love to
get you away from him...

Uh, from here, into
another building.

Yeah, and that way,
you could get outside.

And then, inside,
to a restaurant.

This way, you'd just
be staying inside.

Well, I can open
up a window for Bert.

Frankly, honey, your
uncle intrigues me.

Come on, stay, and you
can make your sales pitch

while we're having lunch.

Oh, indeed, I will.

I'll make my pitch
right over the plate.

Where is he?

- Daddy.
- Where's Herbert?

Well, he's with Donald's boss.

Why didn't he
cable he was coming

so I could've gone out of town?

He did cable. You
were out of town.

Aqua farm?

Of course I've
heard of an aqua...

We did an article
on fish farming here,

just about a year ago, Bert.

I saw it at the dentist office.

You really think he's
doing something shady?

Shady, no. Pitch black, yes.

Let me get this straight, Bert.

You take these fish
eggs, the roe, that is,

and raise the fish
right up on through

to beautiful, robust, matured?

That's right.

With a little bit of love

and just a handful
of breadcrumbs,

we turn a 500 percent profit.

- 500.
- Five big ones.

Furthermore, do you
remember Mr. Shapiro,

the man who talked to himself

and kept the
locomotive in his garage?

Vividly.

That was the
entire rolling stock

of the Shapiro-Morrey railroad

Uncle Herbert?

Uncle Herbert.

Daddy, you're
not trying to tell me

that Uncle Herbert is
an out-and-out crook.

Heaven forbid, no, no.

At the worst, at the very worst,

maybe a con-man.

But and out-and-out
crook, definitely not.

Then again...

Martin, I want you to
get a hold of my broker,

transfer some stock.

I'm buying 1,000 shares
of Icelandic Tuna Fish.

All right.

Bert, it's going to be a
pleasure to be your partner.

Oh, believe me, Johnny,
the pleasure is all mine.

Oh, Daddy, for heaven sakes.

Will you sit down and relax?

They'll be here in a minute.

Donald's going to pick
Uncle Herbert up after work.

Your Uncle Herbert may have
sold Donald to someone by now.

Oh, Daddy.

Uncle Herbert is, well,
he's Uncle Herbert.

Nobody could
convince me he's bad.

Different, maybe, but not bad.

[knocking]

Who is it?

[Donald] It's us, honey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, Lolli.

Oh, Lew, Lew, how are you?

I'm find, and I'm happy to
see you, on one condition.

Yeah, well, what is that?

You tell me what you were
up to with Hollinger's boss.

Um, sure. I wasn't
up to anything.

We just discussed
Marie Larshrant.

See?

Who's she?

I'm she. Well, I
mean, I'm half a she.

And the other half is
Larshrant. He's my partner.

And together, we are
Icelandic Tuna Fish.

All right, Herbert.

From the beginning.

Well, from the beginning,
I went to Iceland.

I heard that there was

regular money to be
made up there in fish.

So I started with one,
poor, little fish, Maurice.

Maurice?

Larshrant, I
mentioned him earlier.

Yes, there he was going broke

with his dinky, little fishery.

And you made it pay off.

Yes, I did, and I'm
very proud of that, too.

Why, we're now the second

or the third largest
aqua farm in the world.

Well, it, uh, sounds
like really big business.

Oh, big, big. Getting bigger.

It sounds terrific,

and like a really good
business investment to me.

It is, and that's why
I'm in New York.

My company's going to go public.

Oh. When will the offering be?

Oh, in about a week.

Uh-huh, well,

I guess the price of
shares will really jump

once you're listed on
the stock exchange.

Oh, that usually happens.

That's very smart of
you to know that, Donald.

That's usually inside stuff.

But if you want to buy
some before the public,

I'll be lad to sell you
some. How about you, Lew?

Oh, no, thank you.

I'm satisfied
investing in my fish

one can at a time.

That's funny.

Well, I've got to
go see my broker.

Broker? You already
have a broker in New York?

Oh, yes. I have two of them.

I have Anders and
Vine, very nice fellas.

I have to go and instruct
them regarding Mr. Adams.

Mr. Adams?

What about Mr. Adams?

What are you instructing
him about, Mr. Adams?

Oh, nothing, really. Just
the normal paperwork.

I sold old Johnny Adams

1,000 shares of Icelandic Tuna.

Ciao.

Bye, Uncle Herbert.

Same old Herbert,
hasn't changed a bit.

Uh, Mr. Marie.

What is it, Hollinger?

Well, sir, I've heard from Ann

that Uncle Herbert had
some small reputation

as a schemer, a
con-man, a trickster.

I never said that. I
said Daddy said that.

Mr. Marie, is it your
considered opinion

that he is a thief?

It is, but, after all,

it isn't fair to ask my opinion.

I'm his brother. I'm being nice.

Well, I'm his niece, and
in my considered opinion,

he is not a thief.

Daddy, isn't there
some small chance

that he's telling the truth?

Sure, there's a chance,
but the odds are the same

as my winning the
Kentucky Derby,

carrying the horse.

- Uh-oh.
- What, uh-oh?

I just remembered my $309.

What $309?

The price of Uncle
Herbert's ticket.

You paid for his
ticket? On the nose.

How could you let him do
that? How could yo do that?

It was surprisingly
easy at the time.

Well, he was all
alone and helpless.

So was Benedict Arnold.

- Was he in your family, too?
- Wait a minute, Hollinger.

You're telling me to wait
a minute? I'm the victim.

I'm the one who gave a
man dressed in a cape

and a Toulouse Lautrec hat $309.

It isn't fair to talk
about his clothes.

You won't lose anything,
Hollinger. I'll make it good

He'll make it good.

Uncle Herbert will
make it good, Daddy.

I'll bet you anything
in the world, Donald.

Bet her the $309.

Look, look.

There still may be a
chance for me to save my job.

I'm going to call Mr. Adams,

and I'm going to tell him
to back off on that deal.

You're going to call
Mr. Adams about Uncle Herbert?

Honey, there's no other choice.

He's right, Ann.
Go ahead, call him.

You're not even sure.

If you're wrong, Uncle
Herbert could sue both of you

for "slibel."

Honey, that's slander.

No, no, it's libel.

That's what I said, "slibel."

Uh, hello? Hello,
Mr. Adams, please.

This is Don Hollinger calling.

I wish I had a
bullet to bite on.

Mr. Adams? It's Don.

Listen, I'd like to talk
to you about Mr. Marie.

About Herbert
Marie, not Lew Marie.

Yeah, about Herbert
Marie, not Lew Marie.

Donald, you're
explaining it all wrong.

Honey, I haven't
explained anything yet.

Uh, look, Mr. Adams,

I can't talk to you
about this on the phone.

I'm coming down to the office.

Yeah, right.

[intercom buzzing]

Yeah.

[chuckling]

Sure. Let them in. Bye.

Ah, Don,

Ann, my dear, come in,
come in. How are you?

You sound just fine, I think.

Oh, good. Sit down.

Thank you, Mr. Adams.

You know, Ann, even though
I've known your uncle Herbert

a comparatively
short length of time,

He's fast becoming one
of my favorite people.

Oh, Mr. Adams, I'm so
glad to hear you say that.

He's been one of my
favorite people all my life.

Uh, Mr. Adams...

You know, women have
a sort of uncanny sense,

a certain kind of intuition

that allows them to
read a person's character

just like an open book.

- Yes.
- That's very true, Mr. Adams.

But sometimes, women's
intuition can be wrong.

Perhaps.

Yes, but, well,

I'm going to let you
two in on a little secret,

and I don't want it to go
any further than this room.

- All right?
- No.

Heavens knows I've
always considered myself

rather manly, right?

But I must admit that at times,

I think I do get this teeniest,

little bit of feminine intuition

that allows me to read
a person's character,

to judge a man.

Yes, I do. I really do.

And how did you judge
Uncle Herbert, Mr. Adams?

Fundamentally sound,

funny dresser, but
fundamentally sound.

Yes, that's why I
didn't hesitate at all

when he offered
me an opportunity

to buy into his business.

You certainly didn't.

I must confess, I did
hesitate for a moment,

That is, long enough
to call my broker

and have him
confirm my intuition.

And he did?

Yes, indeedy.

Your uncle Herbert is completely

100 percent on the up-and-up.

Now, what was it you
came to see me about?

Well, uh, we... You
mean to say, Mr. Adams,

you doubted my Uncle Herbert?

No, no, dear.

But, after all, there were
a few dollars involved.

That's just the trouble
with the world today.

People trust people, as
long as no money's at stake.

But just let $309.80
get involved...

Uh, Mr. Adams, we
just came up to tell you

that we felt that
you shouldn't feel

that you had to buy
stock from Uncle Herbert

just because he's Ann's uncle.

- Come on, honey, let's go.
- Don.

If you have a couple of nickels

to clink together
in your pocket,

perhaps you'd like Uncle Herbert

to invest them for you, huh?

Uh, that's a good idea, sir.

Yes, that is a good
idea, Mr. Adams.

Donald, just how much
were you thinking of investing

in Uncle Herbert's project?

Well, um, so long,
Mr. Adams. Thank you.

That's a terrific idea, Donald.

How much are you
planning on investing?

We'll see you later, Mr. Adams.

I mean, it's one thing not
to trust my Uncle Herbert,

but not to trust your boss's
intuition on a project...

Uh, we'll see you later.
Thank you, Mr. Adams.

I think you're right... Holly.

Well, I, for one,
am going to invest

half of everything I
have in my bank account.

How much can you get for $18?

- Ready?
- Ready.

Okay, you can
open your eyes now.

Oh, here we are.

[laughing] Here we are.

A present.

Yeah. Donald,
you'll find $309.80

and a little interest in there.

[laughing]

Lollipop, darling,
that's for you.

Oh, Uncle Herbert.

I want you to see
this, I think you'll like it.

Huh? Do you like it?

Oh, Uncle Herbert!

Oh, it's fantastic.

- What kind is it?
- I don't know.

A hairy tuna.

It is not.

Uncle Herbert, I
love it, you angel.

Lew, Lew, for you.

So you can time your
next visit out of town

to coincide exactly
with my arrival,

a golden timepiece.

- A wristwatch?
- I hope you like it.

If you don't like it, you can
take it back, get something else...

No, no, no, Herbert.

Oh, I'm really
pleased. It's beautiful.

Thank you, very much, Herbert.

Oh, it's a pleasure,
just a pleasure.

Well, I've got to run along.

I'm going to take John
Adams out to dinner.

Oh, I thought you were
having dinner with us.

I'd love to have dinner with
you, but I promised him...

Oh, excuse me, Lollipop.

Lew, I wonder if you
could help me out

with change for $100.

Change for 100?

Yeah, see, my brokers
only gave me big bills,

and I'll need small
change for the cab,

and maître d', and all that.

I don't have change for 100.

I can give you $30.

That'll be fine. You give me 30.

I'll give you the 100,
you'll owe me 70.

Oh, no, Herb. I do not owe.

That's what I always
tried to teach you,

ever since we were kids.

Neither a borrower
or a lender be.

Now there will be no owing.

You're right, Lew.

You're right, and you
have been right all along.

You're a marvelous brother.

Ann.

Uncle Herbert,
you're incorrigible.

I know, I know.

That's why I
called you out here.

You give him the $30
back in the morning,

but I don't want to spoil
his image of me tonight.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

He really loves me.

Oh, I know he does.

And if he doesn't,

I love you enough
for both of us.

Oh, Uncle Herbert.

- Good-bye.
- Good-bye.

If all good-byes were like that,

nobody would ever leave.

Well?

A whole Icelandic
dinner, imagine.

But what did you think of it?

Um, very interesting.

Donald, that is equivocating.

Was it good, or was it bad?

Bad.

Oh.

The coffee,
however, is wonderful.

The coffee,
however, is Brazilian.

Maybe you could get
an uncle from Brazil.

Do you know how hard
it is to get an uncle?

You have to start
years and years ago.

You know what, honey?

I really miss old Uncle Herbert.

He taught me how to make
those wonderful dishes.

He should've taught
me how to eat them.

He left a surprise
for you, Donald.

Something to take
the taste away, I hope.

Very funny.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

♪ Ta-da ♪

These are for you.

How is he going to get
along without his cape?

He's got another one.

Yeah, the one
with the wallet in it.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!