That Girl (1966–1971): Season 5, Episode 15 - Those Friars - full transcript

Okay, now Ruthie, which
one do you think I should send?

- Well, they're both cute.
- Thank you.

But do I look more like
a laundry commercial

in this one or this one?

Well, I don't know.

Is it a bleach or a
detergent commercial?

[knocking]

What's this?

- You mean the trunk?
- Yeah.

- It's a trunk.
- Oh.

- Are you Miss Ann Marie?
- Yes, I am.



Well, this belongs to you.

I don't know anything
about a trunk.

- Where's it from?
- The Duke Hotel.

- The Duke Hotel?
- Yeah.

Aren't they tearing
down the Duke Hotel?

Yeah. They found
this in the basement.

It's been down there for years.

- Yeah, but who sent it?
- I don't know.

I just look to see who gets it.

- Harry Marie?
- Harry Marie.

[gasps] It's my
Uncle Harry's trunk!

Can I tell you what a
fantastic piece of news that is?

Now, where do you want it?

Well, you can just...
Just put it over there.



Oh, look at all those stickers.

You wanna give me $4.80, lady?

- For what?
- For delivering it.

Why should I pay for it?

Because I only have
my lunch money.

No, no. I mean, isn't the person
who sent it supposed to pay for it?

The person who
sent it is the hotel.

They said if you don't
want it, I should throw it out.

No, no. You can't do that!

- This is Uncle Harry's trunk!
- That's how I felt.

I'll get your money.

Hey, you know, I'm thinking.

It might be a better idea if
you put it in the basement.

Would you mind?

"Would I mind?"

Does it matter if I mind?

If what I minded mattered,

would I be doing
this at all? No.

I'd be in Tahiti.

And I wouldn't be
talking to that girl.

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She spins a lot of dreams ♪

♪ She's everything that
every girl should be ♪

♪ Sable, popcorn, white wine ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Gingham, bluebirds, Broadway ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!

You know, I have
heard about this trunk

for years.

Uncle Harry was the
only show business blood

- in our family.
- [gasps]

Until me.

Wasn't there a key to it
somewhere in your family?

I'm lucky they found the trunk.

Oh, it's no use.

We might as well
wait for Donald.

You know, there may be
something valuable in there.

Ruthie, are you kidding?
Of course there is.

Uncle Harry played every
vaudeville house in America.

Let's call a locksmith.

Nah, we might as
well wait for Donald.

He'll be over in
a couple of hours.

A couple of hours?

How can you stand
the suspense of waiting

two whole hours for
Donald to come and open it?

I can't.

That's why I'm gonna
take those pictures

over to my agent's office,

just to remind myself.

To remind yourself of what?

That if I can wait for my agent

to do something about my career,

I can wait for anything.

You mean Harry Marie
really did leave you a trunk?

Uh-huh. It must be
the one he mentioned

in his will, but they
never could find it.

Now that's something
I can probably get you

some publicity on.

Really?

Do you think
anybody'd be interested

in reading about Uncle Harry?

He wasn't exactly a star.

No, Ann, but it's
the kind of story

that sentimental
editors enjoy printing.

Leave it to me.

I'll think of some
angle that'll get people

interested in you.

In me?

It's Uncle Harry's trunk.

Uncle Harry's dead, Ann.

The publicity won't help him.

Then what's it gonna
do for my career?

It died three years ago.

- Oh, you did it!
- Yeah.

Oh, Donald, fantastic.

Okay.

Now let's see what's in it.

- Go on.
- I'm too nervous.

Why?

Well, Donald,

suppose there's something
really valuable in there?

Oh, honey, chances
are there's nothing

but a bunch of old
clothes and things in there.

That's what I mean.

Uncle Harry's old clothes.

Smelling of 25 years
of show business.

Reeking with the odors of
a hundred different theaters.

Saturated with the air
of dancers and jugglers

and animal acts!

Maybe we'd better
open it outside,

by an ocean.

Oh, Donald.

Okay, come on. Now open it up.

[gasps]

- Oh, look at that.
- Oh, Donald.

Look at this stuff.

Have you ever seen such
a wild collection of things?

[gasps] Oh,
Donald! Look at this.

You just can't find
stuff like this anymore.

Who would wanna look?

Oh, look at this.

Is that some agent?

Yesterday he said he'd try

and today it's in the paper.

Um-hmm.

Read it out loud.

Um..."Old-time vaudeville
performer, Harry Marie,

"wills trunk full of
show biz memorabilia

"to grand-niece, Ann Marie.

"Starving, young,
unknown actress

"struggles to carry
on the Marie name

in the true tradition
of the theater."

Isn't that terrific?

It's the fame you've
always wanted.

You're established
as a starving unknown.

Oh, come on. Get your
coffee and let's go downstairs

and go through
the rest of the stuff.

I love it.

Oh, look at these!

Oh, look, aren't they great?

Look at this.

- What is that?
- Oh, that's fantastic.

That's like a patchwork.

Oh, Donald, this stuff is great.

Oh, Donald, look at these.

Are you Ann Marie?

Yes, I... am.

How do you do? I'm Milton Berle.

Uh, yes. I know.

You didn't have to say that.

- No.
- For goodness' sakes,
Milton Berle!

- That's right.
- Donald, look who's here.

Hello... Hello, Mr. Berle.

Hello, Donald.

You know each other?

No. No.

Well, he just
called you "Donald."

Well, he heard you
call me "Donald."

Oh, isn't that nice
how he remembered?

Total recall.

Oh, Mr. Berle, I
just can't believe it.

Milton Berle!

Ever since I was a little girl

I've worshiped you.

That's great.

My father idolized you.

- That's great.
- Even my grandmother...

That's it.

Well, my grandmother was
very young for her... age.

Uh, height.

Uh, may I?

Oh, of course. Come in.

Oh, this must be
the trunk I read about.

The one that old Harry
Marie willed to you.

Yes, that's it.

Did... Did you know
my Uncle Harry?

Did I know him? Are you kidding?

We were Friars.

Actually, he was a
Friar and I was a broiler.

Milton Broil. Milton Broil.

There'll be a lot more
laughing around here,

if you don't mind.

I see that you
have it open, huh?

Yes. Well, it didn't
come with a key,

but Donald managed
to open the lock.

Donald? Oh. You're Donald?

- Yes, sir.
- Donald Hollinger, my fiancé.

Oh. You're the one that's taking
her away from all of this, huh?

Yes. That's right, sir.

When you opened it, you
didn't take anything out

or destroy anything, did ya?

Oh, no. I took a
lot of things out

but I've got everything.

Well, I'll tell
you what I'll do.

Sight unseen, I'll
give you a $100 for it.

$100?

Now, don't quibble.
I'll make it $200.

There you are.
Take it or leave it.

Well, eh, uh,
well... It isn't that.

- I just don't understand.
- What's to understand?

I'm giving you $200

for a beat-up, old,
broken-down trunk.

- Now what do you say?
- Don't take it.

Danny Thomas!

You're Danny Thomas!

Yes, I know.

What are you doing here, Thomas?

What do you mean, "What am
I doing here?" What are you...

- You're not supposed...
- Oh, my gosh, Mr. Thomas!

I've been a fan
of yours for years.

Oh, you're the one?

That's very funny.

I'm telling him because
he has no way of knowing.

Did he offer to buy
your uncle's trunk?

Yes, he did. But I...

Sure, I offered her $300 for it.

Is everything intact? You didn't
give anything away, did you?

Oh, no, it's all there, but...

- Okay, I'll offer you $400.
- 400?

Listen, Danny,
before you offer 4,

I looked in the trunk.
There's no nose job in it.

- 450.
- 450!

Don't be shocked, kid.

Berle loves auctions.

It's the only chance he
gets to say something

someone else hasn't said yet.

- 500.
- 400!

I said that before.

That's where I heard it.

- See what I mean?
- Oh, shut up.

- 550.
- Hold on.

- Didn't you just bid 5?
- I did?

You see, he can't see his
mouth with his nose in the way.

- 550.
- 6.

650.

Well, 650.

Oh, well, gee, I
really don't even think

I wanna sell the
trunk. I mean...

What do you mean you
don't want to sell the trunk?

I read the article in Variety.

- Wait, let's not...
- Listen, Thomas, don't you get into this.

- Hold it. Hold it.
- You just walked in the door.

- You have noth...
- Let's not get excited.

Now you look like a
level-headed young man.

- Who are you?
- He's my fiancé.

Let the young man
speak for himself.

"He's my fiancé."

- That's funny.
- Thank you.

What are you thanking him for?

What he knows about comedy...

Could fill a book.

Yeah, a cookbook.

Now, look, I'm sure
you'll want to talk to

your little girlfriend
here and convince her

that she ought to
sell that old trunk.

Look, look. Wait a minute.

I... I... I really don't
know how to say this,

Mr. Berle and Mr. Thomas...

Oh, you say it, "Mr.
Thomas and Mr. Berle."

I mean, I'm so impressed
that you're both here

and that you even
knew my Uncle Harry

and that you want
to buy his trunk.

But, gee, I just don't
think it'd be right for me

to sell it.

I mean, my Uncle Harry
went to a lot of trouble

to save all this stuff
just for me and...

Hey, look. Look!

Harry Marie's dancing shoes.

- No.
- They're sensational.

It's a collector's item.

Tell you what I'll do.

Forget about the trunk, I'll
give you 600 for the shoes.

No, no. I don't
wanna sell the shoes.

I... I... I don't wanna
sell the shoes.

Hey, look. Look what's in there.

Look, Danny,
all the great stuff.

Donald, the shoes.

I'll bet you there is
something in those shoes.

Money or something.

All the shticks that
he got laughs with.

Look at this.
Fantastic stuff there.

I... Look at this
dirty old coat.

- I never saw such a...
- That's mine.

The heels. The
heels of the shoes.

Maybe they come apart.
Maybe they're trick heels.

Maybe something's
inside the shoes.

- That's right.
- Trick heels.
- That's right.

Hey, that always got a
scream when he used that.

Tell ya what, forget
about the shoes.

Just sell me the trunk.

- The trunk?
- Yeah.

Well, gee, I really
don't think so.

- Why not?
- I mean, look at all
those stickers.

They trace my Uncle
Harry's entire life.

Stickers? You want the
stickers, keep the stickers.

Keep the trunk.
I'll buy the lock.

- The lock?
- Oh, forget the lock.

I'll buy this. ♪♪ [vocalizing]

Donald, I've got a feeling

that there's
something in this trunk

that's worth a lot of money.

I thought you were only
interested in the sentiment.

I am interested
in the sentiment.

But I just feel that if there is a
lot of money to be made here,

Uncle Harry would've
liked me to make it.

You sure of that?

No. But I want me to make it.

[knocking]

Oh. Just a minute.

Oh, Daddy, hi.

Hello, Ann. Oh,
you're here, Hollinger.

Hello, Mr. Marie.

Oh, Daddy, you didn't
have to go shopping for me.

- I've got lots of food.
- I didn't.

Somebody at the
restaurant read this article

and prepared these
care packages for you.

Oh, Daddy.

I suppose this business
about Ann starving

was your idea?

What are you trying
to do, Hollinger?

- Show me up
in front of my friends?
- No, no, no, Mr. Marie.

What kind of a father would I
be if I let my daughter starve?

Oh, Daddy. I'm not starving.

For heaven's sakes.
That's just a publicity stunt.

And besides, Donald
didn't write it. My agent did.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I just didn't like it, so
naturally I assumed...

Oh, naturally.

I just want you to guess
who was here this afternoon.

A recruiting officer
from the War on Poverty.

No! Milton Berle
and Danny Thomas.

Milton Berle and Danny
Thomas were here?

Yeah. They wanted to buy
Uncle Harry's trunk from me.

They offered her $650 for it.

How do you like that?

Harry never owned
anything worth $600

in his entire life.

Well, that's what
Donald and I thought.

So we've been taking apart
all the shoes and everything...

Hey, honey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Maybe there's a piece

of comedy material in that
trunk that Berle and Thomas want.

Old comedy material. That's it!

That's gotta be it.

30-year-old jokes?

Hey, wait a minute, Hollinger.

You may be right.

Berle might want them
to freshen up his act.

You think that'd be worth $600?

$600? Comedy stuff like
that could be worth $1,000.

$2,000, as a matter of fact.

You think they'd be willing to
go as high as $2,000, Donald?

Honey, Danny Thomas
and Milton Berle

can certainly afford $2,000.

Do I hear 3?

So you both knew Harry Marie?

Danny and I were in
vaudeville with Harry.

Oh, he was one of the
greatest guys in the world.

- Were ya close?
- Close?

Once I got a sunburn.

That was the only thing

that ever came
between Harry and me.

There I just said "Harry and
me" instead of "Me and Harry."

That proves that I liked him.

Yeah, Harry fed us
in those early days.

Not only food, but jokes.

Material... songs,
dances, parodies.

So when we read this thing
about his starving niece,

we thought we'd
give her a little money

to help her out, you
know what I mean?

And you cooked up the
scheme to buy the trunk.

I was just thinking.

Harry really never made it.

But with a little boost,
I think that Ann can.

Well, she obviously
won't take the money.

[scoffs] Well, how are
we gonna help her out?

I don't know.

Hey. Wait a minute.

- What? What?
- I've got an idea.

- What?
- Shh. Shh. Shh.

- I've got an idea.
- What?

Beautiful. Beautiful!

What?

You're right.

Oh, Mr. Berle! For
heaven's sakes, come in.

- Thank you.
- Come in.

I, uh... Gee, I was
hoping you'd come back.

I'm ready to discuss things.

- Good.
- Yes, um, I was thinking
about the offer

you gave me on
my trunk yesterday.

- I was thinking about it, too.
- Oh, good.

I'm sorry that I
offered you the $600.

Oh, well, after all
it was reasonable.

No, something like that is
much more valuable than $600.

Yes. Indeed it is.

And you were bright
enough to recognize that.

Well, I do have these
occasional moments of brightness.

$1,000 wouldn't even be enough.

Talk about bright.

You certainly are outshining me.

I'd be ashamed to
offer you 2,000 for it.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

So I won't.

Well, uh, look, it's your money.

Ann, I'm not offering
you a million dollars.

- You're not?
- No.

Is it closer to a
million and a dime

or a million less a dime?

I wouldn't humiliate
either one of us

by offering you any
money whatsoever.

You want to trade
my trunk for a yacht?

No, your agent
made it quite clear

that you would be insulted
by any offer of money.

My agent did all that?

Yes, he did. Wonderful boy.

He'll be a great loss.

So forget the money
offer and forgive me.

Oh, I forgive.

I just don't know
if I can forget.

Well, since you wouldn't
take any money...

Since you won't give it.

Maybe you'll take my
help in another way.

Your help in another way?

What... What... What help?

Oh, I'm so excited.

Oh, Mr. Berle, how
can I ever thank you?

Every big star in
the world is out there.

Honey, as long as I'm here,

every big star in the
world is not out there.

That's what I meant.
Everyone but you.

As a matter of fact,
every big star is here.

You and I.

How do you like that?

I already gave
you better billing.

How do you like
what I just said?

"You and I," huh?

Yeah, you forgot my butterflies.

Don't tell me you're nervous?

Who else can I tell?

Oh, come on, honey.
You're gonna be great.

You're gonna be sensational.

Yeah, but everybody's out there.

Jack Benny, George
Burns, George Jessel.

All friends of your Uncle Harry.

And future friends of yours.

Oh, Mr. Berle, how
can I ever thank you?

By not being funny.

Welcome to the Friars.

And now, here he is,
your host for this evening,

one of America's
great comedians,

your friend and his... me.

- [applause]
- Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very
much, ladies and gentlemen,

for that very marvelous welcome.

Actually it wasn't
that marvelous,

but how many people
know how to great a legend?

[laughter]

I see we have a lot of
names in the audience tonight.

A few of them clean.

There's George
Burns sitting over there,

not looking a day over 20.

And there's Georgie
Jessel sitting over there,

not looking for
anyone a day over 20.

[laughter]

Hi, Jack. Jack Benny.

Jack Benny. Good
to see ya, Jack.

Sitting over there with
his back to the check.

He has an impediment
in his reach.

[mouths words]

Oh, you ready?

And now, ladies and gentlemen...

We're ready... I'm
very, very proud

to introduce our lovely,
young guest for this evening,

Harry Marie's very
beautiful and talented niece.

I want a warm Friars' reception

for Miss Ann Marie.

[applause]

Thank you very much, Mr. Berle.

You're very, very welcome.

I understand that
you hope to have

a very successful show
business career someday.

Yes. I understand you do, too.

I'll have you know I was a
success in show business

before you were born.

Oh, then I just missed it.

Honey, you didn't miss anything.

That's what I heard.

No, I mean that I was a
hit when you were born.

I was one of the first
stars on television.

Isn't that right, gentlemen?

Really. Uncle Miltie.

Does that mean anything to you?

- Uncle Miltie?
- Of course it does.

That was the first really
important television show.

- Right.
- And you were the first
real comedy star.

- Now you got it.
- Miltie.

- Right.
- Miltie Doody.

Mil... Miltie Doody?

♪ It's Miltie Doody time ♪

♪ It's Miltie Doody time ♪

Okay.

It was Howdy Doody time.

You see, I was Milton, remember?

Milton?

I swear I'll kill you.

I'll kill you a million times.

No, no, no, no.

[both vocalizing]

Round tones. Round... round...

[both vocalizing]

Honey, wait a minute.

Hold it. I'm supposed
to get the laughs.

It hasn't happened for 40 years.
Why should it happen tonight?

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much, folks.

Well, there he is,
ladies and gentlemen,

Danny Thomas,
carrying his case to court.

Milton, that joke
is 60 years old.

Well, that would make
you 10 when it was born.

- How do you do, Miss Marie?
- How do you do, Mr. Thomas?

- What are you doing
with that trunk?
- Well...

The trunk is his trademark.

I... I won't forget that one.

See? He even has a
memory like an elephant.

That's my uncle
Harry's trunk, isn't it?

That's right, dear. And I
thought we'd open it up

and se some of
the wonderful things

that your uncle
Harry used to use.

Oh, what a terrific idea.

- What do we have here?
- That's a shower curtain.

- A shower curtain?
- Yeah, did you take a shower?

[both] Why is there one miss...

- Oh.
- We won't go do that...

Oh, what's this?

This, my dear, is a sack.

And it has in it all the jokes
Milton Berle ever made up.

- It's empty.
- I rest my case.

Give me that.

You two ought to be
ashamed of yourselves.

Look ashamed.

This sack happens to be part

of my famous magic trunk trick.

- Your famous...
- Yes, my magic famous trunk trick.

- I never heard of it.
- That makes 200 million people.

Sure, sure, Thomas.
Go on. Laugh at me.

Oh, I wish we could.

Young lady, would
you do me a favor?

- Would you assist me?
- Yes, sir.

Ladies and
gentlemen, watch this.

- Get into the sack.
- Yes.

- Climb right into it.
- Yes, sir.

That's fine.

- Put your foot in there.
- Yes.

Watch this great
disappearance trick.

I will take this and
I will close the sack

right over this lovely,
young lady, Ann Marie.

I will put her in the sack.

Oh, it's... Down a
little further, Ann.

- That's fine.
- Okay.

Close that in. Fine.
Bring that in. Okay.

Then I will close the trunk.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

that I've locked the trunk,

I will now double-lock it
with this foolproof lock.

- Mr. Thomas, if you please.
- Thank you, Mr. Berle.

- You doing it?
- I'm doing it.

I'll stand above the
trunk. Right on top of it.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

Give me the curtain.
Watch this magnificent trick.

- Spectacular!
- Drumroll!

♪♪ [drumroll]

How about that?

Well, very good, Mr. Thomas.

Now may I please have the key?

What key?

You don't have
the key to the trunk?

No. You sure you don't have it?

[Milton] Let me out of here.

Oh, where's the key?

[Milton] I got it in my pocket.

Thank Heavens. I
thought it was lost.

[Milton] Get me out of here.

Oh, my gosh. What
are we gonna do?

We've got to think of something.

- Are you thinking of something?
- Yes. Are you?

No way.

[stammering] We've
got to find a way

of getting Mr. Berle
out of the trunk.

Why? Where is it written?

We just can't leave
him in there forever.

Why? Where is it written?

[Milton] I'm
writing. I'm writing.

- Where are you going?
- Nowhere.

I just feel uncomfortable
sitting on him.

I never considered Milton one
of my staunchest supporters.

I'm glad. I was afraid
you were gonna go

and leave me out here all alone.

Me leave you?

Are you kidding?

♪♪ [fanfare]

♪ Wherever we go ♪

♪ Whatever we do ♪

- [Milton] ♪ Count me in, too ♪
- ♪ It's together ♪

♪ Then let's put it there ♪

♪ The billing we'll share ♪

[Milton] I gotta have air!

♪ It's together ♪

♪ Wherever I go ♪

♪ I know she goes ♪

♪ Wherever I go ♪

♪ I know he goes ♪

♪ No fits, no fights, no feuds ♪

♪ No egos ♪

♪ Amigos ♪

[Milton shouts]

♪ Together ♪

♪ Through thick
and through thin ♪

♪ All out or all in ♪

♪ And whether it's
win, place, or show ♪

♪ It's you for me ♪

♪ And me for you ♪

♪ We'll muddle through ♪

♪ Whatever we do ♪

♪ Together ♪

[Milton] ♪ Together ♪

- ♪ Wherever ♪
- [Milton] ♪ Wherever ♪

♪ Together wherever we go ♪

And Milton Berle said I
really have a flair for comedy.

You do, honey. You were great.

Oh, Donald, thank you.

Everybody was so great.

I just loved meeting all
those stars afterward.

Yeah, so did I.

There were a lot of
producers in the audience, too.

Let's just keep
our fingers crossed.

Maybe you'll hear from one.

Didn't I tell you? I
already did hear from one.

You're kidding.
That's terrific. Who?

David Merrick. But
I turned him down.

Ann, David Merrick
is the biggest.

What did he offer you?

50 dollars for
Uncle Harry's trunk.

Hold out, honey. Hold out.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ Diamonds,
daisies, snowflakes ♪

♪ That Girl ♪

♪ Chestnuts,
rainbows, springtime ♪

♪ Is That Girl ♪

♪ She's mine alone,
but luckily for you ♪

♪ If you find a girl to love ♪

♪ Only one girl to love ♪

♪ Then she'll be
That Girl, too ♪

That Girl!