That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 28 - The Beard - full transcript

Hello.

Donald! Welcome home.

Did you miss me?

Me, too.

I never knew 14 little days

could drag out to be
two such horrible weeks.

How was your hunting trip?

You didn't hit anything?

Good!

Well, I think that's a
lot better, don't you?

I mean, this way,



the animals had just
as much fun as you did.

How soon can you get here?

Immediately's perfect.

And there's a lot more
where that came from.

Bye.

Coming!

The name's Hollinger.

Donald. L-Look at your face.

A beard.

Yeah. How about that?

And now I believe you
said something about...

plenty more kisses.

But why did you grow a beard?

We all grew beards.



Four virile men out in the
wilderness without our womenfolk.

The situation demanded it,

so we all decided
to grow beards.

Mine's the longest.

Congratulations.

You don't like it.

Well, I...

Let me look at it
from a distance.

Well?

You're right. I don't like it.

Everyone says it makes
me look distinguished.

Well...

I think it makes
you look... comical.

Comical?

Well, not completely, but...

comical combined with... fuzzy.

Have you got a cough drop?

Thanks a lot.

Oh, Donald, I'm
sorry. You're hurt.

I am not hurt.

You are, too.

You wanted me to... love it.

Not at all.

I merely wanted you not
to make snap judgments.

I'm sorry. It's just that
you took me by surprise.

I'm sure that in time I
might have adjusted,

but it's not important.

By that time, you'll
have shaved it anyway.

Is that an order?

No, it's a... subtle hint.

Ah.

Well, it a subtle hint that
sounds more like an order.

Now, suppose I decided
to keep the beard forever?

You wouldn't do that.

Well, I hadn't thought about it
as a cause célébre, but now...

Well, put yourself in my place.

How would you
like it if I went off

and came back looking like that?

With a beard?

Yeah. What would you say?

Well, I-I'd say, uh...
"How 'bout that?

That certainly's a
good-looking beard on that girl."

♪♪

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome.

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry. I just
couldn't help it.

What's so funny?

It moves.

When you chew, it
moves up and down.

Well, naturally.

I mean, my beard
is part of my face.

When one chews,
one's face moves.

Honey, I wish you wouldn't
stare at me like that.

I'm not staring. Yes, you are.

Well, you've heard
of bird watchers.

I'm a beard watcher.

Oh, all right. I won't
even look at you.

Tell me some more
about your hunting trip.

What would you like to know?

How was the weather?

Oh, honey, the
weather was great.

The first day we got to camp,

there was the most beautiful...

Are the other men
gonna keep their beards,

or are they gonna
shave them off?

I don't know. That's up to them.

Won't they consult with
their wives and girlfriends?

They might.

I bet they will.

I mean, a man
just doesn't decide

to keep a beard unilaterally.

Why not?

Well... because.

He wants to make the
woman he loves... happy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you saying that
if I keep my beard

you're gonna be unhappy?

Oh, Donald. Of course
I'm not saying that.

But if I was, would
you keep it anyway?

Well, maybe yes, maybe no.

Is that all I mean to you?

A couple of...
indecisive maybes?

What about what I mean to you?

I mean, if you
really cared for me...

I'd find room in my
heart for your beard.

If you really cared for me,

it wouldn't matter
if I had a beard.

If you really cared for me,
you'd care for what I am,

what I am inside.

Oh, Donald, I love
what you are inside.

And what you are outside

has always covered
what I love beautifully.

So why hide the whole
thing under a hairy bushel?

And besides, I think
it would itch you.

If it itched me, you
know what I'd do?

Shave it off?

I'd scratch it.

Hello, sweetheart!

Daddy. What a nice surprise.

I was in town to accuse my
meat dealer of cheating me,

so I thought I'd drop
by on my way home.

Oh.

Is your meat
dealer cheating you?

No, but if I accuse him
of it, I get better service.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

I'm Lou Marie, Ann's father.

I know. We've met.

We have? Where?

Daddy, that's Donald.

You're kidding!

He went away on a hunting trip,

and came back with a beard.

Much to your daughter's dismay.

That is him!

I just placed the voice.

Okay, you got your laugh.
Now go home and shave.

I see it runs in the family.

What's he talking about?

Well, I suggested he
go home and shave, too.

And he refused?

Well, I'm not sure. We were
in the process of discussing it.

What's to discuss?

He looks like a
fugitive from skid row.

Oh, Daddy. Don't exaggerate.

Are you trying to be a
beatnik from hippiesville?

I'm not trying to be anything.

How do you react to a full moon?

Daddy, please.

He doesn't respond to sarcasm.

Oh, yes, he does.

He responds by
walking out of here.

And going home and shaving?

No.

I didn't know whether I
wanted my beard or not.

But thanks to you
and your father,

I just made up my mind.

All right. All right.

The case of the beard is closed.

It most certainly is not.

Daddy, with all due respect,

I really don't think Donald's
beard is any of our business.

I disagree. On what basis?

On the basis that he
accepted my invitation

to escort you to your Aunt
Delia's 50th birthday party,

and I don't want your relatives

to see you with a
man with a beard.

Why not?

Because everybody will
think he's a Communist.

Oh, Daddy, that's ridiculous.

Everybody who wears a
beard's not a Communist.

Name one that isn't.

Abraham Lincoln.

Socrates.

Moses.

General Grant.

Name one that's living!

Santa Claus.

I can't understand

what a young man
like you has to hide.

Nothing. He just
grew it for the fun of it.

Correct.

What's fun about
growing a beard?

And it also asserts
his masculinity.

I see.

How long have you been
worried about your masculinity?

Daddy, would you stop
cross-examining him?

If Donald wants a beard,

as a member of a free society,

he's entitled to it.

Very well.

I hereby withdraw my objections.

Wear it in good
health. Thank you.

Goodbye, Ann.

Just a minute.
I'll get your coat.

I'll go break the news
to your Aunt Delia.

What news?

The heartbreaking news

that her 50th birthday
party is cancelled.

He doesn't mean it.

He just needed a
good dramatic exit line.

Miss Marie, I congratulate you.

On what?

Your defense of my
beard was brilliant.

Oh, Donald. I may not
agree with your beard,

but I'll defend to the
death your right to grow it.

You really mean that?

No. Dramatic exit
lines run in my family.

Donald, this is really
a fancy restaurant.

Nothing too nice for
our big reunion dinner.

Good evening,
sir. Table for two?

Please.

Do you have a reservation?

No. No, I don't.

I see. This way, if you please.

Thank you.

Here we are, sir. Thank you.

Boy, for people
without a reservation,

he certainly gave
us a wonderful table.

Of course.

Why?

You didn't slip
him $5.00, did you?

I slipped him
nothing. It's my beard.

Oh. Oh, sure.

They probably
didn't want you seen

waiting around
the cocktail lounge.

That's not it.

They probably thought I
was some sort of celebrity.

You know, like a young
Ernest Hemingway.

May I bring you
something from the bar?

Ann?

No. No, thanks.

I'll have, um...
Pernod on the rocks.

Yes, sir.

What kind of drink is that?

Pernod is an aperitif.

Rocks are ice cubes.

See the way she looked at me?

Who? The waitress.

No. How did she look at you?

Fascinated. My
beard intrigued her.

Well, maybe when she
comes back with your aperitif,

you might invite her to join us.

Honey, jealousy
doesn't become you.

Who's jealous?

I just think you're
beginning to imagine things.

Then why are all the rest of
the women in the restaurant

eyeing me, too?

Donald, did it ever occur to you

that they might be eyeing me?

I happen to have on a very
chic and a very expensive outfit.

Ann, those women
were looking at me.

It's my beard.

People always look
at men with beards.

The same way they always
look at women with tattoos.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome, sir.

Hmm. What happened?

The way you talk, I thought
she was gonna leap into your lap

and start smothering
your beard with kisses.

Ann, there's one thing that women who
love men with beards have in common.

What's that?

Self-control.

No, that's all right.

Well, I can't offer
you any Pernod,

but would you care for
some kind of a nightcap?

No. No, thank you.

I, uh... Well, I
guess I better go.

It's been a long day.

Yes, it certainly has.

Well, I, uh... I'll
call you tomorrow.

If you care to.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh, thank you for
a lovely evening.

Look, Ann, what's
happening to us?

We're being polite... but cold.

Yeah, but we can't have
much of a relationship

if it can be spoiled
by one little beard.

It's not so little, Donald.

It goes from here to here,

like wall-to-wall carpeting.

Would you like me to trim it?

Would you?

Yes.

If only to show you I'm
willing to compromise.

If you're willing to
compromise, I am, too.

Thank you.

How close will you trim it?

I don't know.

A good, reasonable
compromising length.

Okay.

What's wrong?

You look like you're offering
yourself up for a human sacrifice.

I'm sorry.

Um... try me again.

Donald!

Donald! Come back!

I'll pretend I'm kissing
Abraham Lincoln!

So, to make a long story short,

that was three nights ago.

I haven't heard from him since.

What is it, a Van Dyke, a
goatee, or a fuzzy-wuzzy?

I'm not sure.

It's the first beard I've
had personal contact with.

Ann, are you willing to
listen to some good advice

from a woman who
has read more books

on the preparation for marriage

than any woman in the country?

Yes, I'm willing.

In a modern society,

women are always doing
things to please men.

Occasionally, men do
things to please women.

Yeah. True.

In return, men
breeze through life

doing whatever they feel like.

And why?

Because they're men,
and we're women.

Yeah, that's what's unfair.

I said I'd give you good advice.

I never mentioned fair.

In other words,
what you're saying is,

if Donald wants to grow a beard,

I have no right to complain.

You have every right to
complain about Donald's beard.

Aha!

But not to Donald.

Aha.

Yes.

Miss Marie is here.

Miss Marie? Yes, sir.

Send her in.

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

Am I disturbing you?

No, I was just working.

Oh. Fine.

Well...

how have you been
these past three nights,

two days, and four hours?

And 15 minutes.

Fine.

How have you been?

I've been fine, too.

I was just in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd drop
by and say hello.

Well, I'm glad you did.

I'm glad you're glad.

That's a... nice jacket.

Oh. Thanks. I just bought it.

Used?

What do you mean?

It has patches on it.

No, that's... That's
the way it's made.

Writers do a lot of
thinking on their elbows.

Oh.

It's very handsome.

You really look like a writer.

Hey, why don't you sit down?

Thanks.

Are you still mad at me?

A little.

How little?

Well... you know.

That's better than...

A lot better.

I didn't know you smoked a pipe.

Oh, yeah. I started in college.

Does it bother you?

Oh, no, not at all.

As a matter of fact,

I think a pipe and a beard

goes together like
a hand in a glove.

I trimmed it.

Your pipe?

The beard.

Oh! Oh, yeah, I noticed.

The minute I walked in.

I said to myself,

"Now there's a beard
I can really live with."

Is that a proposal?

No.

It's an apology.

From a girl who
understands that..

If a man feels that he
looks well in a beard,

then it's his
privilege to grow one.

No, I take that back.

It's his responsibility
to grow one.

His responsibility to whom?

To himself.

To the integrity of his face.

This above all...

To thine own face be true.

Well...

that's what I barged
in on you to say.

So if you can find it in
your heart to forgive me,

I hope you'll call.

And if you can't, well...

I can always live with
our many memories.

Ann.

Would you like to go
to the movies tonight?

Can't think of
anything I'd like better.

I'll pick you up about 8:30.

I look forward to it.

How was it?

Terrific.

I think it's an
acquired taste...

like olives.

Did it itch?

No, not at all.

Bye, Donald.

Bye.

Hi, handsome.

Donald, you dropped your pipe.

What happened to your head?

My head?

Oh, you mean my hair.

What did you do to it?

I cut it.

What movie you wanna see?

Well, you didn't have it
cut that way this afternoon.

I know. After I
left your office,

I went to this new hairdresser,

and he experimented.

You want to see
that new French film?

You let someone,
a perfect stranger,

experiment with your hair?

Don't you like it?

Honey, it's too short.

I think it's kinda kicky.

No, no. I... I think
it's kinda short.

Really? Really.

Hmm. Well...

Ha ha. That's what
makes horse racing.

Let's go to the movies.

No, wait a minute.
Just a second.

Unless you wanna take me
dancing so you can show me off.

We'll go to the
movies. It's darker.

Donald, are you implying that
you're ashamed to be seen with me?

I'm implying that I liked
your hair the way it was.

Why did you cut it?

You know extremely
fond of long hair I am.

I always thought you liked
me for what I am inside.

Well, I do. I do.

But I like to top
of your outside

to be covered with long hair.

Oh.

Well, gee, that's disappointing.

Montgomery and I thought
it was gonna be so effective.

Montgomery?

He's my new hairdresser.

Montgomery Prissens.

Prissens?

It's only a name, Donald.

Honey...

Honey, why would
you do a thing like that?

Well, it's like I said
to Montgomery today.

I said, "Montgomery,

"you know, my boyfriend
has a new image,

"and I'd like a new image, too.

He has a right,
and I have a right."

I see. So you
went out and did it

without even
discussing it with me.

Oh. That never occurred to me.

Of course, you went
ahead and grew a beard

without discussing it with me.

Oh, honey, that was different.

I was away on a hunting trip.

Oh. Well, you... you could
have called long distance.

Honey, there weren't
any telephones.

I acted out of a
moment of passion,

a burst of enthusiasm.

At the point that
I grew my beard,

it seemed like the only thing
worth doing in the whole world.

Well, what makes you
think I'm not subject

to those same moments
of passion and enthusiasm?

If I could have grown
a beard, I would have.

Oh, Donald, think how
cute we would have looked.

Everybody would have
thought we were twins.

Sarcasm. Bitterness.

That's spite work.

Those are not the methods
of a young woman in love.

Donald, I am in love with
a clean-shaven person.

I have not been in love with
a teddy bear since I was 6.

Uh-huh. I see.

I see. So you
don't like my beard,

so you go out and deliberately
get yourself a crew cut.

It isn't that I didn't like
your beard, Donald.

It's that you didn't
care that I didn't like it.

That's what I think
really hurt me the most.

Okay. All right.

Let's assume that
you have a point there.

But two wrongs
don't make a right.

You're right, Donald.

Two wrongs never make
anything but... but two wrongs.

Compliments of
Montgomery Prissens.

You tricked me.

Well, I didn't really trick you.

I just sort of... deceived you.

You baited me!

You deliberately stood
around in that phony haircut

and made all kinds of speeches
about my rights and your rights.

Now, Donald... Just to
make me look foolish.

Just to build up to a point

where you could
whip off this phony wig

and show me that you
would never hurt my feelings.

To make me feel small.
To make me feel guilty.

Donald.

What happened to the
other half of your moustache?

You're wearing it.

It's a fake!

It's a fake moustache!

And that's not all.

Surprise!

You shaved!

And after all those
things you just said to me!

You have your nerve,
accusing me of tricking you!

Donald, I've never in my life...

It's nice to have
you back again.

Thank you, Donald.

My sentiments exactly.

Pleasure doing
business with you.

I'll bet without my beard
they'll make us wait.

I'll bet they won't.

Good evening,
sir. Table for two?

Yes. No reservation.

Well, I...

I see. This way, if you please.

See, Donald?

You're every bit
as distinguished

as you did with your beard.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, it was so nice
to have met you.

May I bring you
something from the bar?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

I'd like a dry martini. Two.

Yes, sir. Two dry martinis.

Well, I guess you're right.

I'm every bit as effective
without my beard, huh?

That's what I've been
trying to tell you all along.

And you didn't even have
to give her any money.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, Ca