That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 29 - The Drunkard - full transcript

Ann's latest job is a commercial to air on comedian Marty Nickels' television show, he who picked Ann personally from among those who auditioned. So later when Ann sees a drunken Marty at a bar - the bartender who threatens to throw Marty out or have arrested for drunken and disorderly behavior - Ann, out of gratitude, helps Marty make his way home so that he can sober up in peace. However, he won't tell her where he lives, so she takes him back to her apartment instead. With Donald's help, Ann is able to get Marty ready to sleep off his drunken state on her sofa for the night, while she spends the night at Jerry and Ruthie's. When Marty wakes up the next morning with a hangover, a series of misunderstandings leads to Marty believing that he had an improper evening alone with Ann, both morally and legally (if Ann is underage), and that Ann is in love with him. He decides to drown his troubles with booze, which starts the cycle all over again. Only someone who enters Ann's life unexpectedly may be able to break the cycle.

Girls, the choice has
been narrowed to you three,

and Marty Nickels will make
the final selection himself.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Oh, I'm so excited.

A commercial on The Marty
Nickels Show must be worth a fortune.

You know what I'd
give for a job like this?

What would you give?

I don't know. I'm trying to
think of what I've got left.

It's not funny. "Wieners
and Buns." That's drama.

Vieners and Bums. That's comedy.

Vieners and Bums. Understand?



Yes. And how
would you spell that?

You take the "W," make it "V."

Take the "N," make an "M."

Vieners and Bums,
Understand? Comedy.

Vieners and Bums.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, I have the girls.

Then this must
be the place, right?

Huh?

Isn't that funny?

Well, sure, it certainly
was, Mr. Nickels.

I meant the girls
for the commercial.

You have three for
you to choose from.

Well, hire all three of them.



Well, no, actually,
we only need one girl

to walk over and buy a wiener.

Viener. Viener.

Right.

Well, Gary, you know
what kind of girl I want.

I want a girl with
a sense of humor,

a girl with a sense of warmth,

a girl with a sense
of integrity. I want...

I want that girl!

♪♪

Hello, Donald?
Donald, I got the part!

Isn't that great?

Yeah, and Marty Nickels
himself picked me out.

Uh-huh. He said that
I had a lot of warmth

and a lot of integrity...
among other things.

Isn't that terrific?

Oh, yes, he's very
nice, and very talented.

Do you know that
in five minutes,

he changed the set,
threw out the script,

and ordered me a new costume?

Isn't that fast work?

Yeah. So we're
not shooting today.

Ha ha ha! Hey, nice
talking to you, huh?

Hey, Mr. Nickels, this is
your third straight triple.

How about a little
water with it, huh?

Oh, look, I came here to
drink, not to take a bath.

Hey, how about, "I came
here to drink, not to go fishing"?

How about "not to drown," huh?

Mr. Nickels, why
don't you go home?

Go home? What's
so funny about that?

I'll pick you up in 20 minutes.

Okay. I'll be drinking
a cup of coffee.

Just look for the very warm
brunette with a lot of integrity...

among other things.

Bye.

Did you hear the one about
the two Russians in Moscow?

Yes, I heard it, Mr. Nickels.

What'll you have?

We'll have two
martinis, very dry.

Did you hear about the
two Greeks in Hong Kong?

Yes, Mr. Nickels, I heard it.

Ha ha ha! See,
you couldn't have,

because what would two
Greeks be doing in Hong Kong?

I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.

Where are you going? It's
just the shank of the evening.

Now, look, Mr. Nickels, you're
not driving my business out of here.

Now either go home, or
I'm gonna call the cops.

Don't talk like that to me.

After all, aside
from being a big star,

I also happen to
be a personal friend

of the Commissioner
of Parks and Recreation

and Parks.

I can't stand actors.

Excuse me, Mr. Nickels.

Oh, yes, have you got
a pen? I'd be glad to.

Oh! Oh, no, no.

Under normal circumstances,
I'd love to have your autograph,

but right now, I don't think you
realize you're making a scene.

You don't want to
get arrested, do you?

You're really crazy
about me, huh?

You probably don't remember me.

I'm the girl you chose
for the commercial

to do it with you on your show?

Ann Marie? Yeah, well,

you were very nice to
me today, Mr. Nickels,

and, well, I'd just hate
to see you get arrested

and have a lot of bad publicity

over just a little
misunderstanding.

Look, miss, if you
know this fellow,

you better get him out of here,

because otherwise,
I gotta call the police.

Oh, yes, I certainly will.

Please don't do
that. He'll be fine.

He's coming right now.

Why don't we go outside?

Would you like me
to call you a taxi?

I'd rather you call me Marty.

That's real good.

There. See?

Come on. I better take you home.

Oh, great. Hey,
where do you live?

I live in this nice little
brownstone down on... oh!

No! I didn't mean that.
I meant your home.

Oh. Yeah.

Come on. Oh!

Oh, no. Wait a minute.

Wait. Just sit right
down here a minute.

Wait a minute. I thought
we were going home.

Yeah. We will, we will.

Bartender. Bartender, could I
please ask you to do me a favor?

If I can.

Oh, good.

Look, while you're
making up my mind,

will you give me
another drink, huh?

No, no. Why don't you
just count the cubes?

Count the cubes? Yeah.

Shh, shh! Count the cubes.

I was waiting here before

for my boyfriend,
Mr. Donald Hollinger.

When he comes, could
you tell him what happened?

I'll tell him you took him home.

Yeah, fine. Well, uh, I
wouldn't say it like that.

Helped. Say "helped him home."

Yeah. Where's your
sense of delicacy?

I'll tell him, Miss...
What's your name?

Ann Marie.

Ann Marie. Okay.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome. Come on.

You forgot.

What?

The ice cubes.

Oh, yeah. How many?

Guess.

Uh... two.

Wrong. three.

I swallowed one.

Very good.

You see? Come on.

Okay. Oh, is this your coat?

Yes. Thank you. Okay.

All right. I've got it.

Now, where do you
live, Mr. Nickels?

I haven't got the faintest idea.

Come on. I'll fix you
some black coffee,

and you try to remember
the name of your hotel.

Hey, what's the
name of this place?

It doesn't have a name.

That's why it's not
doing any business.

This is where I live.

I don't know where
else to take you.

Well, it's really nice
of you to take me.

Why don't you just
throw me in the garbage?

Oh, stop that.

You've got something
left that's still good.

No. I'm a... I'm
a rotten person.

You are not!

I'm not?

Hey, this is a very nice place
you've got here, you know?

Very relaxed.

Oh, Mr. Nickels!

Oh, Mr. Nickels, are you hurt?

What's with this "Mr. Nickels"?

Here.

Mr. Nickels is my father.

And he's gone on to his great
reward in the sky. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, Papa, you keep on
smoking them big cigars.

But watch your ashes.
Whoops! Ha ha ha!

Did you like that?

Like what?

I did it great,
and you missed it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do it again.

I'll love it.

No, never mind.

Get me to a window.

Oh, sure. Come on.
You want some fresh air?

No. I want a push.

But why?

Because I'm a yellow belly.

Oh. Ha ha ha! Yes.

You're laughing?

That wasn't a joke?

A man wants to
die, and you laugh?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Nickels. I thought...

Never mind. Where's your oven?

In the kitchen. Thank you.

Oh, no! Oh, Mr. Nickels!

Hey, do me a favor, will you?

Turn on the gas.

I'm sorry, Mr. Nickels, I can't.

Why not?

It's an electric oven.

Just my luck.

Come on. Sit over here.

I'll make you some coffee.

I don't want any coffee.

I got a bad stomach.

A minute ago, you were
trying to kill yourself.

Suicide's one thing. A
stomachache is another.

You got anything else
to drink in this house?

No. I'm afraid not.

Bleachh! What's that?

That's wine vinegar.

Will it kill me?

No, but if you wait a
minute, I'll toss you a salad.

Everybody makes
better jokes than me.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Nickels.

I didn't mean to.

And she wasn't even trying.

Where are you going?

Now, look, you just stay here

and watch some television.

Don't worry about me.

I'm just gonna throw
myself downstairs.

What? Now just a minute!

Now just a minute,
Mr. Marty Nickels!

I've got something
to say to you,

and I want you to listen to me!

For a great star like you

to even think about
hurting his talented self

is a crime!

How many people have
that gift that you have?

How often does someone
come along with your talent?

You're the funniest
comedian in show business!

Only in show business?

Well, the world, probably.

Oh, yeah? Sure.

Now, how can you act this way?

Well, I... I got no
confidence, you know?

And nobody listens to me,

and nobody pays attention,
you know what I mean?

Pays any attention?

Why, I've seen Marty Nickels
stand up in front of an audience

and hold them in
the palm of his hand.

I've seen him make
thousands of people laugh,

and I've heard their applause.

That's the Marty Nickels
we all know and love...

Standing up there,
getting the job done.

That's the tradition and
glory of being what we are...

Persons of the theater!

Persons who, through sleet
and storm and gloom of night,

through sickness and in health,

shoulder to shoulder
and boulder to boulder,

because the show must go on!

Now I know how he feels.

Ann, what happened
to... Shh, shh, shh!

That's Marty Nickels.
What's he doing?

Donald, it's a long story.

Just help me get
him comfortable.

It's gonna be bad
enough when he wakes up.

He's gonna sleep here?

Yes. I'll stay next door.
It's gonna be all right.

Pick up his feet.
Oh, Ann, come on!

Well, Donald, what
else could I do?

I couldn't let him be arrested.

And he was so drunk, he
couldn't tell me where he lived.

He wanted to kill himself.

You're kidding.

Well, not very badly,
but he is all alone.

Not as long as Ann Marie, the
Angel of Broadway draws breath.

Donald, please,
let him do the jokes.

In this condition?

That's exactly why he's
got to spend the night here.

Otherwise, he'll never be in shape
to do that commercial tomorrow.

At least this way, I'll be sure
he gets to the studio on time.

Well, you sort of
get him undressed.

I'll get a blanket and a pillow.

Donald.

What?

You don't think he'll wake up

and want to do away
with himself again, do you?

Heh! Not a chance.

How can you be sure?

Take a look at him.

He's in no condition to wake up,

much less kill himself.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

Why you have to take on the problems
of the whole world, I'll never know.

Isn't the word no
in your vocabulary?

Donald, of course it is.

Have you forgotten how
many times I've said it to you?

Bye, Ruthie. Thanks.

Mr. Nickels, are you awake?

I'll let him sleep
another 10 minutes.

He needs every second
he can get, after last night.

Oh, my...

I need a lawyer and a friend.

That's what I need... a lawyer,
a friend, and a telephone.

Telephone right here.

Charlie Irwin.

That's who I have to call.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hello. May I speak
to Mr. Charlie Irwin?

Yeah. Uh, Marty, uh...

Uh, Marty... Marty
Nickels is calling.

Yeah. Marty
Nickels. Right, right.

Hello, Charlie?

This is Marty.

Look, I think
we're in big trouble.

Yeah. I met her last night.

I don't know!

I'm in her apartment now.

Yeah. I haven't
spoken to her yet.

No, no, no. She
was in the kitchen,

and she was making breakfast,

and she was humming.

Oh, wait... wait a minute.

I hear some footsteps
in the hallway.

I'll call... I'll meet
you at the studio.

Go! Go, you stupid brat.

Oh, good, you're awake!

Cream and the paper.

Cream and the paper. Both! Wow!

I'll have your breakfast
ready in a minute.

Would you like some
tomato juice while you wait?

Tomato juice on
an empty stomach?

Oh. Is your stomach upset?

My stomach is out of its mind.

I'm glad to hear you joke again.

I thought, after last night,
you might wake up feeling,

you know.

After last night?

Now, don't worry about it.

What happened last night
is just between you and me.

Well, I appreciate that.

And there's something else.

I want you to know that I meant

everything I said
last night, Mr. Nickels.

You are wonderful,
truly wonderful.

I just want you
to remember that.

Uh, look, uh...

How old are you?

Just a day older
than I was yesterday,

when you said that I was
the right age for the part.

You said that I was the
right size and the right...

Oh, I remember.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.

I mean, you had
warmth, legs, integrity.

I remember. You're
perfect for the part. Perfect.

Oh, perfect! Thank you.

Don't mention it.

Uh... listen, uh,

about the elections, uh...

are you gonna vote?

Well, of course I am.
It's a great privilege.

It's also a great relief.

Relief?

Oh, yeah. I mean, uh...

I mean, uh, look, uh...

what I want to ask
you about last night...

Oh, Mr. Nickels,

I put last night
completely out of my mind,

and you should,
too. Now... oh, no!

You haven't got time
to eat this breakfast!

It's almost 8:30.

In the daytime?

Yes. You'll be
late for the studio.

Right. Hey, look,

I want to thank you for
everything, you know?

I mean, you're really wonderful.

You don't have to thank me.

I was happy to do what I did.

Well, if you're happy,
then I'm happy.

I'm perfectly happy.

Good.

Look, later on, you
may feel unhappy,

you know what I mean? So...

Oh, Mr. Nickels, believe
me, it was my pleasure!

Well, if it was your pleasure,

then it was my pleasure.

Strange. Really strange.

Just a minute, Donald.

Good evening.
I'm soliciting funds

for the Ann Marie
Home for Funny Drunks.

Oh, very funny.

Oh, Donald, you're
gonna hurt yourself.

I could have been
one of the greats.

But not on the trumpet.

Who is it?

It's Marty.

Marty!

Kid, you just gotta
forget me. I'm...

Marty, you've been drinking!

You're the last person in
the world I wanted to know.

Uh, look... Get up.

You just gotta forget
about me, understand?

Yes, Marty, I understand.

Yeah, you know, there's plenty
of fish in the sea, you know?

Take him for instance, you know?

Oh! Oh, well, that's
a wonderful idea.

I'll try and forget you, Marty,

by making do with Donald.

Rest assured, I'll certainly
try to make her happy.

I'll make some coffee.

Hey, don't go near no
windows, now. I'm not worth it.

Yeah, well, don't worry.
She's really a very sensible girl.

Oh, yeah, you know, but you see,

she only sees the glamour
about me, you know?

She doesn't see the
rotten things, you know?

Well, anything you say, sure.

Yeah. Why don't you
throw me in the garbage?

I don't think I could
get you in the disposal.

Everybody makes
better jokes than me.

I don't understand it.

How is he, Donald?

Fine. He just wants
you to forget him.

Well, that should
be pretty easy,

since I never thought
of him in the first place.

I don't think you'll ever get
through to him on that level.

Why don't you just fake it?

Maybe I can explain
after I give him the coffee.

What are you gonna say?

Well, I'll say, "Mr. Nickels,

"though I have a great
admiration for you,

"it's nothing personal.

"It's a feeling I share with
millions of other people

who love and respect and
admire you for your great talent."

Now you're reaching him.

"Although we've only
shared a moment in time,

"I'll always remember
that moment,

and be proud to say
Marty Nickels slept here."

Uh, "here." How's that?

I like it.

I can't wait to see
how it works on him.

You don't understand, Charlie.

Charlie, you don't understand.

This is the second
night in a row

she's gotten me up here.

The second night in a row

she's gotten me up here.

Now, Charlie, who's
she gonna be happy with

after me, huh? Hmm?

You don't understand, Charlie.

She thinks I'm a god.

You understand that?

I'm a god. I'm a god!

I don't know where she is,

but I'll tell you
one thing, Charlie.

I don't want to be here
when she gets back,

because when you look at her,
it's pitiful, you know what I mean?

I'm leaving right away.

I'm leaving as soon
as I put my shoes on.

The only problem I got is,

I don't know which
one to put on first...

My left or my right.

I'll put on the left.

What? You said,
"right"? Oh, right.

No. I'll make up my own mind.

I'll meet you down there.

All day at the studio,

I kept waiting for him
to say something to me.

I had my speech all
prepared and everything.

He never uttered a word.

I guess he didn't
want to talk about it.

Correction. He just didn't
want to talk about it sober.

I don't think I can
stand this again.

I don't think you
have any other choice.

Honestly, Mr. Nickels...
Ann Marie?

Yes?

I'm Mrs. Nickels.

Oh! You're Marty's wife!

I am his mother.

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

What a surprise!

Why?

Well, you just never
think of Marty Nickels

in terms of having a mother.

Donald... this is Donald
Hollinger, Mrs. Nickels.

Mrs. Nickels, Donald Hollinger.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Well, is there something I
can do for you, Mrs. Nickels?

Nothing. Everything he's
got is already in my name.

Excuse me just a minute.

Yes.

Listen, kid, I'd been
thinking about you,

and suddenly my whole
life flashed before my eyes.

And she followed me here!

Uhh!

Oh, Donald, help.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,

now be careful. Don't hurt him.

Come on, Marty,
come on. That a boy!

He gets these fainting
spells from overwork.

Yeah. He's been exhausted
every night this week.

Let me put him down real easy.

That a boy. Here.

There you go.

Martin! Martin, sit
up and eat something!

Well, I don't think actually
he'll move now until morning.

Yeah. That's why Ann let him
sleep here for a couple of nights.

Oh, well, actually, I stayed
next door with my neighbors.

No offense! It's
just that, well,

I don't think of
Marty like that.

Besides, I have a boyfriend,

Donald Hollinger.

Yes, we've met.

Well, I'll go get the
pillows and the blankets.

Thank you, Donald.

If you don't mind,

I think I'll just stay here

in case he wakes up.

I have a couple of
checks for him to sign.

Oh, sure. You can
stay in my bedroom.

I'll be staying
next door, anyway.

Oh! You know, you're so nice.

I'm going to let Marty buy you
something for all you've done.

Oh, Mrs. Nickels,
that's not necessary.

Oh, yes, it is, honey, it is.

What kind of candy do you like?

The last thing I remember
is, she passed out,

and I woke up here on her couch.

Hey, wait a minute.

I think I hear somebody.

Who's there?

Mrs. Nickels.

Mrs. Nickels.

Charlie... oh, boy!

I did it.

I married her.

Listen, file a suit
and get out. Right.

So long.

Uhh!

Ma!

I didn't marry you!

Good morning, Marty.
Good morning, Mrs. Nickels.

Oh, good morning.

Marty, how are you?

I'm, uh, I'm, uh...

To tell you the truth,
I'm a little scared.

Ma, what are you doing here?

Well, your lawyer
told me about Ann,

so I came right over.

Ma, why don't
you tell this nice girl

not to throw her life
away on a bum like me?

Ann, I'm a louse. My
mother will tell you.

That's one of the nice
things you can say about him.

He doesn't tell lies.

Ann, you gotta forget me.

Well, that won't be easy, Marty.

I mean, after all,

you've given me 3
nights that I'll never forget.

Ann, I'd kiss you goodbye,
but my mother gets mad.

Well, let me give
you your jacket.

Goodbye, Marty.

So long, kid.

Martin.

Yes, mom.

Marty.

Yeah, hon?

Marty, why don't you do
yourself and me a favor?

Like what?

Stop drinking.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'm gonna stop drinking forever!

First chance I get.

Come on.

Hi, there! It's your neighborhood
boy trumpeter calling.

You know, honey, I'm
seriously considering

taking lessons on this thing.

I mean, why waste a 4 dollar...

Kid, you gotta forget me.

Throw me in the garbage.

Ann!

What's the matter with you?

Have you taken up drinking?

No, but I will if you're
gonna take up the trumpet.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA