That Girl (1966–1971): Season 2, Episode 15 - 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, You're Under Arrest - full transcript

Thank you.

Merry Christmas to you, sir.

Happen to need some
Christmas cards, sir?

Christmas cards?

Yes, Christmas cards.

It's not too late.

It's still only Christmas Eve.

No, thanks.

Maybe some last-minute shopping?

Why fight the crowds?

Make your selection
here, peacefully, quietly.



Ties, wristwatches, bracelets.

How about some nice
rings for every occasion?

Tell me, is there
anything you don't have?

I even have something
they don't have.

Now, if you're interested
in tickets for that show,

they're almost
impossible to get,

except from me.

I ordered mine last April.

Afraid you're gonna have to
find some other customer, pal.

See ya.

I hate to see a customer
walk away empty-handed.

Sold out until June?

You mean no tickets at all?

I do believe



St. Nicholas has sent
me a Christmas pigeon.

I beg your pardon, young lady.

♪♪

That's the spirit.

Thank you.

Young lady.

Yes, sir.

Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas to you, too.

I noticed you at the window

with a kisser down to here.

What's the matter, no tickets?

The man even laughed
when I told him what I wanted.

He laughed at a
yuletide request?

Well, I don't blame him.

I mean, they're
sold out until June.

It was ridiculous of me to think

I could get tickets for
tonight's performance,

but it was the only
real inspiration I had

as to what to give Ruthie
and Jerry for Christmas.

Ruthie does want
a garlic crusher,

but that's something
you give with something.

You don't just give somebody
a garlic crusher alone.

That's incredible.

What?

It's such a coincidence,

I find it hard to
believe myself.

You want tickets
for tonight's show,

and I just happen
to have 'em here.

Oh!

These are for Mame.

Oh. I'm sorry about that.

Oh, here we are...

Two tickets on the
aisle, eighth row.

$25 apiece.

$25 apiece?

But it says right
there 9.90 apiece.

You're a scalper!

Shh! You want the
whole world to know?

No, but I just think
there's something immoral

about scalping people
at Christmastime,

and right in front of him.

Who, Irving?

Ha ha! He's just filling in.

His real specialty
is bank robbing.

You're joking.

Well, it's the
season to be jolly.

How about the tickets?

Well, $20 is as
high as I can go.

$20? That doesn't
even cover my overhead.

Well, maybe I
could stretch it to 30,

but you'll have to take
a check for the rest of it.

Check? You must
be kidding, girlie.

I'm a scalper, not
a supermarket.

I've got my driver's
license for identification,

and my check has got my
name and phone number

and address on it.

Please.

Okay.

For you and the $20, I'll do it.

Oh, thank you.

Ruthie and Jerry are
gonna be so happy.

You have no idea how much
they want to see this show.

Have you got a pen? I think so.

I thought you said you
weren't a supermarket.

Uh, I hope your friends...

What did you say their name was?

Ruthie and Jerry Bauman.

They live in Apartment
C right next to me.

I live in Apartment D.

There you are. I can't get that.

Will you pull that off?

Now, let's see here.

Here's my driver's license.

It's got my name and address,

and there's my picture,

and here's your $20 in cash.

Okay. I hope Ruth
and Jerry appreciate

the nice neighbor they got.

Oh, thank you, Mr.,
uh... No names, please.

Here's your tickets. Thank you.

And have a merry.

Thank you. You,
too. Merry Christmas.

Ruthie, will you hurry up?

I've got something for you.

If we get one more Christmas
card, I'm in big trouble.

Merry Christmas.

I'm in big trouble.

It's a present...
For you and Jerry.

Oh.

Thank you very much, I'm sure.

That's your
present over there...

That great big one.

The other great
big one is for Don.

Of course, it isn't the size
of the present that counts.

It's the size of the thought.

Well, I can just squeeze this in

at the bottom here.

Ruthie, your present
isn't just a card.

There's something in it.

A magazine subscription?

Open it and find out.

Oh, but we never
open our presents

till Christmas morning.

Well, this one you have to open.

It won't be any good
tomorrow morning.

Tickets?

Theater tickets?

For a show?

Not just any show.

What show have you and
Jerry been dying to see?

Ann, not... Right.

Now, get moving. Call Jerry

and tell him you'll
meet him downtown.

I better get moving, too.

Donald and I have
to go to Brewster.

Now I don't know what
to do about your presents.

What do you mean?

The boxes are big enough,

but I'm not so sure
what's inside is,

compared to these tickets.

Oh, Ruthie, whatever they are,

Donald and I will love them.

Oh, Merry Christmas, Ann.

Thank you, Ruthie.
Merry Christmas.

I got to get going.

Donald's picking me up at 8:30.

Why so late?

Mom and Dad are going out.
They have to chop the tree.

You mean trim the tree.

Chop.

Daddy really believes in
an old-fashioned Christmas.

Okay, now, that's everything,

including our presents
from Ruthie and Jerry.

Did you give them yours?

Yep, a salad bowl.
What'd you get them?

I got them something they wanted

more than anything
in the whole world.

You said those tickets
were impossible to get.

Honey, you got them?

Yeah, I got them.

You should have
seen Ruthie's face.

You already gave them to her?

I had to. They were for
tonight's performance.

Otherwise, I'd have slipped
them under the door unsigned.

She would have had
to guess who sent them.

That's funny, like the
old theater ticket gambit.

What old theater ticket gambit?

It's a routine that robbers use.

You know, they send
somebody theater tickets,

then while the people
are at the theater,

they nicely move in and
clean out the apartment.

You're not serious?

It's a tried-and-true routine,

as traditional as a
Christmas stocking.

You mean to say they
actually send people tickets

so they can rob them?

Sure, and they're always
hard-to-get tickets to hit shows

so that the people can't resist.

It's not a bad investment

in return for jewelry, furs,

art treasures, Christmas
presents, you name it.

Name it? I did it!

Donald, I set it up for crooks

to steal everything
Ruthie and Jerry own.

Don't be ridiculous.
How could you do that?

I bought those
tickets from a scalper.

So? He has no way of knowing
what you were gonna do with them.

Yes, he does.

You told him?

Well, honey, he has no way
of knowing where you live

or who the Baumans
are or where they live.

Yes, he does.

You told him that, too?

Well, all the
information is printed

right there on my check.

And I did mention

that the Baumans live
right next door, in C.

Honey, scalpers
don't take checks.

Frankly, I don't think

he was a legitimate
scalper anyway.

I think he just wanted
the Baumans' address

so he could wipe them out.

Honey, you're jumping to
all kinds of crazy conclusions.

If anything ever happened
to Ruthie's and Jerry's things,

I'd never forgive myself.

Come on.

It's a good thing we
have each other's keys.

Donald, will you come on?

So far, nothing's missing.

But, Donald, look.

Who knows what's
in those packages?

And aside from them,

there's Ruthie's
silver teaspoons

that her mother gave her.

And Jerry's fraternity pin.

His fraternity pin?

Does it not have
a diamond in it?

A chip.

Chip or no chip, still
a genuine diamond,

and I don't think our
crooks are very high class.

Oh, I see. You figure we have
our own personal low-class crooks.

I figure they'll take
whatever they can get.

Honey, what do you propose
we do, padlock the door?

Donald, locks don't
bother real crooks.

Locks only keep
honest people honest.

Honey, you're a veritable
fountain of information.

So are you.

I never heard of the
old theater ticket gambit

until you mentioned it.

I did have to open my
big fat mouth, didn't I?

So we can't leave because
the robbers might come,

and we can't stay because
Mother and Daddy are waiting for us.

We can't get hold
of Jerry and Ruthie.

I don't know how to
find Mother and Dad.

There's only one thing to do.

I'm afraid to ask.

We'll take all

of Jerry and Ruthie's
Christmas presents

and anything else
that's worth stealing

and put them in my apartment.

That way, if anyone
does break in,

they won't find
anything worth taking.

Swell. Put everything
in your apartment.

Then, since the crooks
have your address, too,

if they don't find anything
in the Baumans' apartment,

they'll go look in yours.

Of course they will.

That means

we'll have to hide all of
my Christmas presents

and valuables, too.

We'd better get moving

if we want to get
to Brewster in time.

This is no way for
a grown man to live.

Too bad all the
stuff wasn't insured.

Then we could
have left it all behind.

Well, there. Is that okay now?

Yeah. Just like
before, I can't see.

Well, you always said

you could find your way to
my apartment blindfolded.

Now's your chance to prove it.

Operator, would you
kindly get me the police?

I'd like to report what
I think is a robbery.

89th Precinct.
Sergeant Fitzgerald.

Robbery? Happening now?

What's the address? How
many of 'em are there?

Well, there's a
man... and a girl.

The girl seems to be the leader.

She tells him what to
take and what not to take,

and he does it.

Donald, would you please hurry?

I need some help.

Honey, I'm coming as fast...

Donald, would you hurry up?

I found some more silver.

I don't know if
it's Sterling or not,

but it ought to be
worth something.

And where do you think
their jewelry boxes were?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Well, you couldn't
guess in a million years.

Anyway, Donald, we
haven't got time for games.

We still have to get the hi-fi

and the TV out of here.

Will you come on?

Tell her to come out here.

Uh, Ann, could you
come out here a minute?

Donald, I've got my hands full.

Can't you come here?

Well, I would, but
my hands are tied.

Donald! Where did you get them?

Uh, honey, look
again. They've got me.

You mean they're
not here to help?

They're laboring under a
terrible misapprehension.

Oh, well, I'm sure

it's all some sort of
a ridiculous mistake.

I'll vouch for him.

You want to vouch for him?

I most certainly do.

Lady, you're not

what we would call
a good reference.

Ann, they think we're
stealing this stuff.

Somebody saw us somehow,
and they reported us.

Well, why didn't you
explain, for heaven's sake?

Well, they won't
give me a chance.

Well, you have to.

We're only preventing a crime.

We're not committing one.

Fine. You come along
with us to the station

and explain that
to the sergeant.

That's such a waste of time.

All we're doing is taking
things out of their apartment

and putting them into
mine for safety reasons.

Oh? Oh, all
right. I'll buy that.

Thank you.

Now let's go and see
if the sergeant will.

Silverware stashed in the oven,

the flatware in the broiler.

Fur piece in the refrigerator.

Other miscellaneous
items such as

golf clubs and a tennis racket

were in the dumbwaiter.

Camera, a cheap fraternity pin,

and six imitation
sterling silver spoons

were in the water heater.

Now, just a minute.

I can't allow this to go

on any longer. It is true

that everything was
hidden in my apartment.

But that fraternity pin

has got a real
diamond chip in it.

And if those spoons
aren't sterling,

well, then somebody
cheated Ruthie's mother,

and that's something
you should investigate.

Look, honey, everything
will be cleared up

as soon as Ruth
and Jerry get here.

Donald, I'm just trying
to explain to the sergeant

that in just using simple
logic with his officers,

it went clear over their head.

Well, they haven't been
around as long as I have

or heard as many
logical stories.

Let's hear yours.

Well, as I was trying
to explain to your...

junior officers... Honey!

As I said... to them...

I live right next-door!

All we were doing was taking
the things out of her apartment

and putting them into mine.

Well, isn't that the
whole point of robbery?

But I was taking those things
from the Baumans' apartment

so somebody else
couldn't take them.

Oh, well, I can certainly

understand the logic in that.

I can, too, now.

First come, first served.

I don't think they're
taking me seriously.

I was hoping you'd notice.

Look, this whole thing
can be cleared up.

I can prove everything if
you'll just send somebody

for Ruthie and Jerry Bauman. I know just
where they are. They're in the eighth row.

Now, lady, you wouldn't want me

to stop a performance
and interrupt the victims,

would you? They're not victims,

and, yes, I certainly would.

Well, I'm sorry.

We don't take
anybody out of a theater

unless it's a real emergency.

This is close.

What's my father gonna
say when he hears about this?

He's waiting for us.

You're allowed one phone call.

Why don't you call
him and find out?

Uh, Ann, Ann, look, there
must be something we can do

without getting
your father involved.

Look, there are any number
of people that'll vouch for us...

My editor, my publisher.

My neighbors.

They're not all victims.

One phone call.

But you can make
as many phone calls

as you want, right, sergeant?

So if you could
place a call or two,

they could clear everything up.
Then we wouldn't have to call anybody.

That's a good idea.

Oh, please, won't you

make the phone calls, sergeant?

We'll give you a list.

Now, first, there's
Mrs. Brentano.

She's fifth floor, G.

She'll vouch for us.

All right. Make up your list.

But you'll have to wait in the
tank while I make the calls.

Yes, sir.

Good-bye, Donald.

Now, don't worry, honey.

If I get out first,
I'll wait for you.

Bye. Good-bye.

Aren't you gonna
kiss me good-bye?

Well, there's one
thing for sure...

It's not gonna take
you as long to get out

as it's takin' you to get in.

I'm sorry, sir.

Have a happy fourth of July.

Fourth of July?

Well, it certainly
isn't anything

like a Merry Christmas.

Uh... Good evening, folks.

Jerry!

All of our presents are gone!

So's the hi-fi and the TV!

You've been robbed.

Hey, you, you can't
get away with this!

I'll call a cop!

I am a cop.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.

Detective Wittle,
Burglary Division.

Fingerprints my specialty.

You mean... somebody...
stole everything?

That's against the law.

Yeah. They've got the
suspects uptown at the 89th

precinct. They
caught them already!

If you want to give 'em
a ring, they'll fill you in.

Oh, you've got an important
call from Brewster, New York.

It must be Ann.

Honey, first, let's call up

and find out about the robbery.

Gee, everything we own

that's worth more
than two cents is gone.

The detective said
that it was important.

Don't you think being
robbed is important?

We must answer
the call from friends

before we do anything
about strangers.

Been married long?

Almost... long enough.

I've got another
apartment to check.

Hello, Mrs. Marie.
Uh, Jerry Bauman.

Uh, let... Don and Ann?

Well, they're
with you, aren't...

They should be.
They left hours ago.

Mr. Marie?

No, I haven't seen him.

Down here?

Oh, he's looking for them.

Well, I'm... I'm
sure they're all right.

They're just
probably driving slow

because of the... the weather.

Yeah. Merry
Christmas to you, too.

Bye... Bye-bye, Mrs. Marie.

Okay, let's get
down to the station.

Honey, what precinct was it?

The 59th.

59th. You sure?

Maybe it was the 95th?

Our first robbery, you
don't pay attention.

I did, too. It was 2 numbers,
and they added up to 14.

Ow!

What are you doing
in this apartment?

You're not going to
get away with this.

I'll have you put behind bars
before you know what's happening.

Ow!

Why didn't you just
say you're a policeman

instead of hitting
me in the nose?

Why didn't you ask me instead
of hitting me with the flower pot?

That I can explain.

Yeah, well, you'll
have plenty of time.

Well, I made the calls.

You want to hear a review?

Yes.

Your neighbor, Mrs. Brentano,

doesn't know anything...

doesn't want to know anything...

and as long as it's
connected with the police,

she doesn't want
to get involved.

But she does want
to wish everybody

a Buena Natale.

Swell.

Your editor is out caroling.

He can't be reached.

Doesn't want to get
involved in police matters.

Marvelous.

Your publisher doesn't
want to get involved.

He's leaving for Connecticut.

Your agent doesn't
want to get involved.

He's also leaving
for Connecticut.

Do they know each other?

Who knows?

Who cares?

Want to hear the
rest of the list?

I think we'd better
call a lawyer.

The way our luck's running, we call a
lawyer, he won't want to get involved.

We'll wait for Jerry
and Ruthie to get back.

Well, you'll have to
go back to the tank

and wait with the rest
of our Christmas guests.

Yes, sir.

Bye, Donald.

Do you mind?!

We've already seen
Farewell to Arms.

Bart. Pepe.

This is the last of
your plainclothes days.

When I get through with
you, you'll be back in uniform

pounding a beat in Canarsie.

He jumped me in the apartment
where the loot is stashed.

He hit me on the
head with a flower pot.

He doesn't accept an
apology very graciously.

What's the name?

Marie. Lou Marie.

You got a daughter named Ann?

Yes. How do you know?

Do you know where she is?

I haven't seen anything as
organized as this since Ma Barker.

A family gang, huh?

What are you talking about?

I run a legitimate
business in Brewster.

All crooks have a
legitimate business...

on the side.

In Brewster?

We don't have any
crooks in Brewster.

In Brewster, we have
some of the finest policemen

that money can buy.

Show him to his room.

You'll be sorry you
got involved in this.

We would've gotten here earlier,

but I forgot it was
the 89th precinct.

By her, 8 and 9 is 14.

I tell you, boy, you get
yourself into a scrape,

you really get yourself in a
good one. Slight correction.

I don't get myself into scrapes.

I have help.

Lots of help.

How could you think

that Ann would steal
anything from me?

I didn't stop... to think.

You'll hear about
this, sergeant.

False arrest is
serious business.

Oh, well... Now, Daddy,

don't get all excited.
I'm not excited.

Hold it.

Hold it!

I hereby extend

the profound apologies
of the Police Department.

We were just
trying to do our job.

Now, take your presents
and get outta here.

Okay, now, you... And...

Merry Christmas.

Same to you, sarge.

Oh, uh, Ruthie,
I want to be sure

that you have your
jewelry. I was so worried.

And here's your
mother's teaspoons.

Oh, yes. Thank you. Okay, fine.

Sergeant, I want
to report a robbery.

What's your name?

Uh, John Smith.

John Smith?

Uh, the third.

Donald. That's my scalper.

Okay. What was stolen?

Everything. My apartment
was entirely cleaned out.

Where were you when the
robbery was taking place?

At the theater.

Theater?

Yeah. You see, I had this ticket

I couldn't get rid... Uh,
I couldn't give away,

so I used it myself.

And while I was there,

my apartment was robbed!

How about that... the
old theater ticket gambit.

The poor man. I bet
he lost his supermarket.

Although he couldn't
have. He's still got it on.

Is that supposed to make sense?

Only to me and my scalper.

♪♪

Here's "To Daddy from Ann."

Well, hey, look at this.

And..."To Ann from Daddy."

That's fair enough.

I hope so.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's more. "To
Bart from Effie."

"To Sergeant
Fitzgerald from the boys."

Donald, you know
what we've done?

When we picked up our presents,

we picked up all the
policemen's presents, too!

That ought to cause a little
excitement down at the 89th.

I'd better call them.

Uh, never mind, honey. I
think they're on their way.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪♪