That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 4 - I'll Be Suing You - full transcript

While it is true that Mr. Dorfman's
cleaning establishment did shrink

Mrs. Ferguson's drapes, it was your
responsibility to inform him of the special

handling for this material. So?

So I find that your
claim is not valid.

Case dismissed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Rotten cleaner.

Shall we recess for
lunch, Your Honor?

Oh, I think we have
time for one more.

Case 179348.

Will the parties
please step forward?



Pardon me, Madam.

I'm here.

Will the other party
please step forward?

Who is the other party?

That girl!

♪♪

♪♪

I'm sorry I didn't respond
before, Your Honor.

I was consulting my evidence.

Would you please
state your name?

Ann Marie. Thank you.

Your Honor, I intend to prove
beyond the shadow of a doubt that...

Miss Marie, it is
customary to introduce

both parties before
any proving begins.



I'm so sorry, Your Honor.

Would you please
state your name?

Arnold Lemming.

Your Honor, she has
no right to sue me.

I'm suing her.

I am aware that there are
countersuits, Mr. Lemming,

but I feel that it
would be proper

to hear from the lady first.

I see that this case involves

an automobile accident.

Wasn't the car insured?

Well, yes, it was, Your Honor.

Uh, but this particular
case involves less than

the $50.00 deductible
covered by the policy.

It's $46.53 to be exact.

All right.

Now, could you tell
me exactly where you

and Mr. Lemming were
situated just prior to the accident.

Yes, Your Honor.

The vehicle which I was
operating at the exact time

of the aforementioned
accident was,

at the exact time
of the accident,

temporarily stationary...

Miss Marie, we
have a long calendar.

Please get on with it.

Oh, yes, well, uh, my car
was stopped at an intersection.

And, uh, Mr. Lemming?

He was on the sidewalk.

On the sidewalk?

What sort of a
vehicle was he in?

Well, I guess you could
say he was in his shoes.

He was a pedestrian.

You ran into a pedestrian?

Oh, no, Your Honor.

The pedestrian ran into me.

A pedestrian ran into your car

and caused $50 worth of damage?

$46.53.

I wish at all times to keep
the record straight, Your Honor.

Uh, maybe, uh,
you'd better tell us

exactly what happened
from the beginning.

Well, it all started when
my mother gave me

this lovely rubber tree
plant for my apartment.

You see, she lives out
in Brewster, New York,

which is about 30
miles out of town.

But since I don't have a car, I
had to borrow my boyfriend Don's,

and he came over to my
apartment to pick me up

to take me to an
audition for a part.

Ann. Ann. Ann, are
you out of your mind?

You wanna put a tree
in my brand new car?

Oh, Donald,

it's just a rubber tree plant
and it's about this high.

Yeah, and about this wide.

Oh, it is not. It's a
very skinny plant.

Yeah, with big fat leaves
that'll fall all over my backseat.

Donald, it only has
about six or seven leaves.

Well, Ann, listen. If it's so
short and skinny and puny,

why do you want
it in the first place?

I'm gonna nurse
it back to health.

My car is not an ambulance
for diseased trees.

You make it sound like it's
gonna bleed all over the upholstery.

Ann, I've hardly had the
chance to drive the car myself.

Oh, I'll put newspapers
all over the floor.

It isn't even housebroken.

Oh, Donald, please.

Will you, it's a present
from my mother.

I don't see why you're
trying to upset me.

I'm nervous enough as
it is about this audition.

Ann, I'm sorry. The
part, I hope you get.

The plant you don't need.

Oh, Donald. Please?

♪♪

Are you sure
there's no other way?

Then you'll let me have
it? No, I didn't say that.

I just asked if there
wasn't another way.

Yeah, but you wouldn't
have asked that

unless you knew
there was no other way.

Ann.

Ann, will you be careful?

There won't be a
single leaf in your car.

I'm not as worried
about leaves in the car

as I am about
dents in the fender.

You know how careful I am.

Ann, I don't want
anything to happen

to my brand-new car.

Oh, Donald, will
you stop worrying?

I'm an excellent driver.

I got 20/20 vision,
great reflexes,

and perfect coordination.

How you got the car has
little bearing on this case.

Oh, I object!

You can't.

Oh.

Well, what can I do to
indicate that what you've said

is not entirely correct...

or accurate... Sir?

You may object.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Proceed.

With my story or
with my objection?

With your objection!

I have outlined
this conversation

in such detail, so that
Your Honor might realize

the high degree
of responsibility

with which I was
charged... Your Honor.

Uh-hmm.

Please proceed.

In was proceeding in
a northerly direction,

maintaining a speed
well within the limits

set forth and prescribed
by the judiciary

of the city of New York.

Do you usually talk like that?

No, Your Honor,
just when I'm in court.

Well, I think it
would be a little

easier for all of us

if you just talk like you do

every place else.

I was driving this way...

and very slowly
because, you see,

I had the rubber tree
plant in the back of the car.

And you know, it wasn't
as small as I thought it was.

In fact, it's about 5 feet tall,

and it has these
beautiful green leaves

and this really
very attractive pot.

Sounds lovely.

Oh, it is.

May I object, Your Honor?

Yes, you may.

Listen, we're wasting an awful lot
of time with this jazz about the tree.

I've got a business to conduct
and I'd like to get out of here.

Objection sustained.

What did you just do?

Well, Your Honor,
right is right.

I mean, the plant, though
relevant, is really not

important here.

What do you think
we should do now?

Proceed.

By all means!

Anyway, I was driving back
home and being extremely

careful because of
what I've said before...

not about my boyfriend
but about the plant.

♪♪

Oh! Oh, my gosh.

Oh, oh, sir.

Oh, are you all
right? Are you okay?

Why don't you watch
where you're going, lady?

I wasn't going. You were going.

Listen, can I do anything?

Yeah, stay off the streets
for the rest of your life.

Oh, just look at my
sewing machine.

Oh, is that what it is.

It was. It was a brand-new
deluxe Super Flyer.

Chain stitches, embroiders,

button holes, everything.

And now it's garbage.

I'm really sorry but... Oh no!

Look what your sewing
machine did to Don's car.

Don's car deserves
whatever it got.

Oh, officer, I'm so
glad you're here.

What seems to be the trouble?

See, we had this collision.

Who was driving this car?

I was. I was.

Where's the other vehicle?

Well, it wasn't a vehicle.

It was a sewing machine.

You were driving
a sewing machine?

No, no, no, no. I
wasn't driving it.

I'm a salesman.

I was carrying it.

And you collided?

That's right. That's right.

I better have your
license number.

Oh, yes, Officer.
It's, uh, 4G82H9.

Four-G... Eight-two.
Eight-two...

H-nine. H-nine.

And what's your license number?

A sewing machine doesn't
have a license number.

Oh, uh, why don't you give him

the serial number off
the sewing machine?

All right.

326, 974, 38D, 11.

Three-two... There,
copy it. Keep it.

Now, exactly what happened?

I was stopped at
the intersection,

and he ran into me.

I was crossing the intersection,

and you ran into me.

You hit my car broadside
with your sewing machine.

I did not!

You did, too. I did not!

You did, too. I did not.

You did, too. I did not.

You did, too. I did not.

You did, too.

Please, may we
have a little order?

I'm sorry, Your Honor,
but he did. I did not!

You did too. Didn't.

Did. Didn't.

Did. Didn't.

Did. Didn't.

Miss Marie, you claim
that Mr. Lemming's

sewing machine
dented your fender.

It most emphatically did.

And is it true, as
Mr. Lemming claims,

that his sewing machine
was also damaged?

Well, I have to admit it
was kind of sproinged.

Sproinged?

Well, you know.

Sproing!

I find it very difficult
to believe that a

pedestrian could
run into your car.

Your Honor, I realize
that the circumstance

is somewhat extraordinary,
so I would like to,

with the court's permission,
introduce a witness.

With the court's
blessing, introduce him.

He's not here, Your Honor.

She's crazy.

You stay out of this.

Well, he'll be here.

He'll just be a little late.

Uh, but that doesn't
matter because I've got

another witness
I'd like to call.

All right, Miss Marie,
introduce your witness.

But please be brief.

We still have to hear
from Mr. Lemming.

And boy, will you
ever hear from me!

Would you please
call Mr. Don Hollinger?

Mr. Don Hollinger.

Your Honor, this is Don
Hollinger, my boyfriend.

Uh, just for the record.

Congratulations, for the record.

You may be seated.

Mr. Hollinger, do you own a car?

What are you talking about?

I'm questioning you.

Do you own a car?

Ann, if I didn't own a car,

we wouldn't be
here in the first place.

Just a simple yes or no, please.

All right, uh, yes, Mr. Mason.

Donald, that isn't necessary.

Neither are those
crazy questions.

My dear children, I will
decide what is necessary.

Haste is necessary.

Hear, hear!

Stop it!

Miss Marie, you
don't have to prove

that Mr. Hollinger owns
the accident vehicle.

We took your word for it.

Oh, well, thank you, Your Honor.

Mr. Hollinger, what
was your reaction

when I told you
that a pedestrian

ran into your car?

You want me to tell the truth?

Please do.

All right, um, I
didn't believe you.

See, he's on my side.

I'm not on your side.
I am on her side.

How can you be on her side when
you don't believe her crazy story either?

You missed me that time, Judge.

Just what is the purpose
of this line of questioning?

Her purpose is to waste time.

She's just stalling, Your Honor.

Oh, no, Your Honor.
My purpose is to prove

that he didn't believe me
because if he did believe me,

we wouldn't be here.

Oh, you should
have believed her.

Is there any other reason

why this witness was called?

Yes, there is, Your Honor.

I am so glad.

All right, then.

Mr. Hollinger, let's
just tell the court

how upset you
were when I told you

that a pedestrian
ran into your car.

Oh. Oh, well, I, I wasn't
that upset, Your Honor.

Uh, you remember
that I came back

to your apartment right
after I saw my insurance man.

But, uh...

Aw, golly, I wasn't
that upset, Your Honor.

A pedestrian could not have
made that dent in the fender

unless he was a
pedestrian elephant.

I told you, he made the
dent with his sewing machine.

Well, why not a washing machine?

It would have
made a bigger dent.

Because, he's a sewing
machine salesman.

Hey, didn't you tell
the insurance man

about the needles
in your engine?

Yes, I did. Yes, I did.

And he looked at me like
they would cancel the policy.

You really don't
believe me, do you?

You're very perceptive.

Give me a hand with this thing.

I'll bet you'd believe me if I told
you I ran your car into a truck.

Yip yup, that I would believe.

You really don't have any
faith in me, do you Donald?

Ann, I had enough faith
in you to loan you my car

and let you run it into a truck.

I can see I'm never gonna
be able to convince you.

I'm always open to the truth.

I just wanna forget
about the whole thing.

Oh Yeah.

Well, you can forget about it,

but I have to live
with a dented car.

I'm gonna pay for it...

even though it wasn't
my fault because

I did tell you I'd be careful
and I feel responsible.

Ann, look, you don't
have to pay for it.

I insist.

Well, you can't insist.

You're really very nice.

You know, my car was demolished

and this dumb tree came
through without a scratch.

Well, it's a good thing, too.

Your car can always be
repaired, but just think of

what the trauma could
have done to this plant.

Trauma?

How can a plant have a trauma?

It's a living thing.

It's probably very sensitive.

Oh, listen.

We better go in the
next room and talk

so it won't hear us.

Donald, anything
you have to say to me

you can say in
front of my plant.

You know... look. Now I
know how you had the accident.

Well, this thing was
obscuring your vision, right?

I mean, with all
these big leaves

and all those branches
and how wide it is.

Well, you couldn't
see, right? No.

It was the man with the sewing
machine who couldn't see.

Ann, are you gonna start
that ridiculous story again?

It's not a ridiculous story.

Why won't you just believe me?

Do I have to believe you?

I'm willing to forgive you.

I don't want you to forgive me.

You just don't know
how frustrating it is

for somebody to forgive you
when you're telling the truth.

All right then,
have it your way.

I don't forgive you.

The way I want it is
that you believe me.

All right then, I
do believe you.

No, you don't.

There's no way to please you.

I don't wanna be
pleased, Donald.

I want to be believed.

Yes?

Miss Ann Marie?

Yes.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank you.

What was that all about?

I don't know. I think
I won something.

Well, of all the nerve.

It's a subpoena from Lemming.

Yeah.

He's "sewing" me for
breaking his "suing" machine.

We all know that
he's "sewing" you

for breaking his
"suing" machine.

What did I just say?

You said, "We all know
that he's sewing you for..."

Court will recess for lunch.

♪♪

You think I'm winning?

I don't know, Ann.

But you got him so confused,

you couldn't be losing.

Don, are you
starting to believe me?

Oh, well, I'm sorry but, uh,
witnesses are not allowed

to discuss the case
during the recess.

♪♪

Now that we've all
had a good lunch,

shall we take
another crack at it?

Unless, of course during recess,

it was settled out of court?

No, Your Honor.

I was afraid of that.

Very well, Miss Marie,
you may proceed.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Not only do I intend to
prove that Mr. Lemming

is responsible for the
damages that he caused...

I am not responsible for
the damages I caused.

But my good name
has been besmirched,

and I intend to do everything
in my power to unsmirch it.

Your Honor, the testimony
from Don Hollinger

makes it very clear
that my honor is at stake.

And unless I can
convince him in court

and prove it here, never
again will I ever be able

to prove to him that
I've been telling the truth.

Miss Marie, I
think it's about time

you introduce the witness
who did see the accident.

There aren't any witnesses.

Your Honor, I realized right
away that I'd need a witness,

so I returned to the
scene of the crime.

Oh, this isn't any
crime. This is a civil suit.

Oh. Well, I returned to
the scene of the civil suit.

You heard that, Your Honor.

Look, for her own
good, put her away.

Your Honor, may I go on?

And on and on and
on and on and on...

Anyway, I then returned
to the scene of the...

whatever-you-call-it

and started looking
for witnesses.

♪♪

Excuse me, sir,

I wonder if you could help me.

Just take them off, have a seat.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh no, I want to talk to
you about an accident.

See that sign over there?

"Not responsible
for damaged goods."

Don't blame me.

There's nothing
wrong with my shoes.

I meant a car accident.

I didn't see a thing.

Oh, you must have seen it.

It happened right
outside your window.

Lady, even if I
saw it, I didn't see it.

I make it a habit to
never get involved.

Then you mean you won't help me?

You got a broken
heel? I'll fix it.

If I had a broken heel, I
don't think I'd let you fix it.

Why not?

I make it a habit
never to get involved.

May I help you, dear?

Well, I hope you can.

Uh, what would you like to see?

Silver, china, I have some lovely
Victorian doilies. I'm sure you do.

It's just that I'm
looking for a witness.

A witness?

I don't believe I have one.

Well, it's not a thing.

It's a person.

Oh, witness.

To what? To an accident.

It just happened the other day.

Oh, it was just terrible.

I've never seen
anything like it.

I was in that accident.

Oh my dear. I'm surprised
to see you up and around.

When that blue hard-top
came around the corner...

Oh, it was a red convertible.

Well, I'm sure I
must've seen it.

I don't miss much of
anything around here.

It was the one where the
pedestrian ran into my car.

Oh yes, the pedestrian.

Now I remember.

It was a green
pedestrian with a white top

that ran smack into a lamp post.

How much are those
Victorian doilies?

♪♪

Excuse me, sir. But did you happen
to see an accident right outside

your shop about two days ago?

I think there were a
couple accidents this week.

Well, mine was the one
with the red convertible

and the sewing machine.

Huh? A-a-a man
with a sewing machine

ran into my car.

Oh, now I get it.

Oh did you see it?

Oh sure, sure.

Where's the camera?

What camera?

All right, I'll play along.

What do you want me to say?

We-well, just tell
me what you saw.

I bet you keep the
microphone in your purse, huh?

What are you talking about?

Come on, tell me.

When's this gonna be on TV?

Look, all I wanna know is,
did you see my accident?

Oh, sure.

You know, uh, I'm
not only a butcher.

I sing, too.

♪ Way down upon
the Swannee River ♪

♪ Far, far away ♪

Miss Marie, you promised
this would have something

to do with the witness.

Your Honor, I found my witness

at the butcher shop.

Well, I didn't exactly find him.

Actually, he found me.

The witness found you?

Yes.

Well you see, I left my
name and telephone number

to all the stores that
I went to, you know,

just in case somebody came
by that had seen the accident.

And when I got home that night,

a man called me who
had seen the whole thing

and he got my number
from the singing butcher.

May we hear from
the witness, please?

He's not here.

Aha!

A witness isn't of much value

if he isn't present
in the court.

Well, I was trying to explain
before that he had to go to a

wedding, but he will be
here. I just know he will.

He can't be very
reliable if he isn't here.

He's a very reliable man.

Uh-hmm, you can rely
on him to cover up for you.

What's the name of your witness?

You know, I was so excited
when he called, I forgot to ask him.

Why don't you just
make up a name?

I really do have a witness.

I just didn't remember
to ask his name.

Could we take another recess?

I'd be too tempted
not to come back.

May we hear from
you now, Mr. Lemming?

Thank you, Your Honor.

That is, if the statute of
limitations hasn't run out yet.

I'll make this as
brief as possible.

Just take her story and
reverse everything she said.

But my witness will tell
you that I'm not at fault!

How much did you
pay him to say that?

I didn't pay him anything.

Ha! That's why
he didn't show up.

May I say something?
Yes, Your Honor.

Oh, tell her good, Judge.

Miss Marie, it's
Mr. Lemming's turn now.

Will you please proceed?

Your Honor, I was walking along

minding my own
business and carrying

my brand-new deluxe Super Flyer

which is now garbage
when this dizzy dame

come barreling down

the street aiming
straight at me.

Anyway, Your Honor,

it's just her word against mine

and you can see

by her own testimony
how valuable

her own word is. I rest my case.

Oh incidentally,
Judge, I'm a very heavy

contributor to the
Police Athletic League.

Thank you, Mr. Lemming.

The bailiff has informed
me that a gentleman

has arrived who says he
is a witness for Miss Marie.

He came. I told you he'd come.

Well, he's too late.

He'd probably lie
through his teeth anyhow.

Oh please, Your Honor.

I throw myself on
the mercy of the court.

As I thought you'd come
to this sooner or later,

you may question the witness.

Oh thank you, Your Honor.

Bailiff, may we have
the witness please?

I demand to cross examine
this witness, Your Honor.

I guarantee you,
he'll be just as phony

as that singing butcher.

That's phony,
P-H-O-N-E-Y, real, big phony.

You're my witness?

That's right, Miss Marie.

I'm Father John Morton.

Well, how are you, Father?

Fine, thank you.

That's nice.

And, uh, how was the wedding?

It was beautiful.

Well, I guess that just about
completes my questioning.

Your witness, Mr. Lemming.

Father, uh...

how are things
down at the parish?

♪♪

♪♪

Well, Donald, do
you believe me now?

If I didn't, I might be
struck by lightning.

Did you see the look
on Mr. Lemming's face?

For the first time,
he was speechless.

All I can say is, it's a
lucky thing Father Morton

arrived when he did
because that judge

was ready to throw
the book at you.

You know, I feel kinda
sorry for poor Mr. Lemming.

Well what about me?
I'm the guy with the dent.

Well, you won.

Now I can pay you
in cash or, if you like,

you may have a sewing machine.

Well that's very nice
of you, Mr. Lemming.

I think I'd kind of like to
have a sewing machine.

Now, now wait a minute.
Who's gonna pay for my car?

I'll pay for it. Just think of all the
money I'm gonna save making my own clothes.

♪♪