That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 5 - Anatomy of a Blunder - full transcript
Ann and Donald are planning on having a luncheon picnic en route to Brewster to pick up her hi-fi from her parent's house. This outing will mark the first time Donald will meet her parents, about which he is nervous. He does whatever he can to make what he considers a good impression, which includes wearing his business clothes instead of casual picnic attire. His feelings are valid since her father has always thought any boy she has brought home was not good enough for her. While on their picnic, Donald being in not a very picnicky mood in wanting to preserve his pristine business attire leads to a Murphy's Law of picnics for Donald. Because of such, he wants to postpone their trip to Brewster to meet her parents. But regardless of whether they decide to go to Brewster or head straight back to New York City is easier said than done.
Oh, Daddy, will
you stop worrying?
We're gonna stop
for a little picnic
and we should be
there by 2. We'll be fine.
Who's we?
Don Hollinger.
The fellow in the
magazine I sent you.
And Daddy, since this is the
first time you're meeting him...
Well, I mean, well you know
how you always hate
any boy I bring home.
If I've hated them, it's
because they're dummies.
And this Don doesn't
look like any exception.
Quiet now, Lou.
What difference does it make
whether I'm quiet or noisy?
He's still a dummy.
Daddy, News View
is a highly respected magazine.
And Donald Hollinger happens
to be one of the most highly
respected members
of its junior staff.
You know, News View doesn't
trust just anybody with its typewriters.
And I don't trust just
anybody with my daughter.
Daddy, please.
He's driving me up
there as a big favor
and I think he's nervous
about meeting you, anyway.
So, so please be nice.
I'll be adorable.
Okay. I'll see you around 2.
Love you both.
Bye.
Goodbye.
You have to realize something.
She's grown up now. She
makes her own decisions.
She picks her own friends.
Wonderful. She can pick
the dummy of her choice.
Oh, he's probably
a very nice boy.
As far as I'm concerned,
there isn't a guy
in the world who's
good enough for that girl.
♪♪
Hi. Hi.
Well, I'm here.
What are you
dressed like that for?
Well, my blue
suit's in the cleaners.
Donald, picnics
are usually informal.
Yeah, but meeting
your folks is no picnic.
Will you not think of it
as meeting my folks?
We are just driving up
there to pick up my hi-fi set.
And on the way, we're gonna
have a really lovely picnic.
Yeah. But at the end of
that really lovely picnic
I'm gonna meet your folks.
And that's what I'm dressed for.
There is nothing
to be nervous about.
You're a reporter.
You should be used
to meeting people.
People is not your father.
Then pretend he's somebody else,
like the President.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait, oh it's beautiful.
Oh, is this pretty.
Oh, Donald, it's just gorgeous.
I told you we'd
find some. Oh, look.
There's an
adorable little stream.
Oh, come. It's so beautiful.
We can just put our feet...
Oh, Donald, it's
adorable. Okay, wait.
Wait a minute. Bring the basket.
Wait. All right, wait a minute.
Oh, it's just great.
Look how pretty it is up here.
There's so, so many weeds.
Oh, I love it.
Oh look, Donald, isn't it great?
Yes, yes. Okay.
Oh come on. Come
on around this way.
Come on before
the sun goes down.
Wait a minute. There's
weeds in my pants.
Oh, Donald, look
how pretty this is.
Yes, it's beautiful. Oh,
aren't you glad we came here?
Wait a minute
there's, look it's all dirt.
There's no grass there,
Ann. We'll get all filthy.
What do we need grass when
there's this darling little stream.
Look, we can put our toes in
there right after. Oh, okay, okay.
Put down the basket. Okay,
it's beautiful, it's beautiful.
Oh, I love it.
Let's eat, please. Let's eat.
Donald, it's more fun if you're
gonna have a picnic-y attitude.
Oh, we'll go on lots of picnics.
I know.
But none of them
will be the first.
Well, well how do you want
to remember our first picnic?
Just sitting around eating
chopped liver sandwiches?
Oh, you have chopped liver?
Come on.
Let's go wade in the stream.
Oh, no. Come on, Donald.
Oh, I love it.
Come on in. No, no, my pants.
I'll get my pants wet.
I guarantee you
the water is lint-free.
Come on, this is silly.
Look.
Come on, Don. Come on.
Come on out. Come on, Don.
You come and get
me. Come and get me.
Ann, that's silly.
Come on.
You're a child, Ann.
You know that, don't you?
I always am when
I'm on a picnic.
Oh.
Oh, Ann, I... Don't threaten.
All right, all right.
Oh, it's so good.
What's so funny?
Oh, Donald.
I've never seen
your ankles before.
My ankles are not funny.
That's 'cause
you're used to 'em.
Come on, aren't you coming in?
Yeah, but if I meet your
folks with clammy pants
it's your fault.
Oh.
Ah! Ah!
Oh, Donald, you're
being so funny.
What are you doing?
You're sillier than me.
I stepped on a bee.
Oh, Donald. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Donald.
Does it hurt?
Well, I know it hurts, Donald,
but what do I say to a
person who just screamed?
Well you could call me stupid.
Nobody but me is stupid
enough to step on a bee.
You're not stupid.
Bees don't belong on the ground.
Well he was there.
Then he was stupid.
Well look, anyway we can
forget about seeing your folks.
Just because of
one little bee sting?
No, because of
one big swollen foot.
I mean, what's your dad
gonna think when I come
hopping up to the
house on one foot?
He isn't gonna think
anything. You can just
stay off the grass.
Ann.
Donald, you're just
using this bee sting
so you don't have
to meet my parents.
Yeah, you're
right. You're right.
I always carry a kamikaze
bee for just such occasions.
Donald, please.
Please.
Oh, okay, okay.
All right, I'll go.
Good.
You know you said you want
to remember our first picnic.
I know I will.
Poor Donald.
Oh, Donald, it's so
pretty up here. Mm hm.
You know we couldn't
have picked a better place.
Hey, you got another sandwich?
You like 'em?
I love chopped liver.
It's my own recipe.
Well, not that I cook
my own liver or anything.
It's just that I put in a
little extra dash of vinegar,
and a little extra dash
of mayonnaise. Mm hm.
Well, what I think really gives
it the zing is the horseradish.
Hmm.
Horseradish?
Yeah, that's the real
secret of great chopped liver.
Well, why did you
keep it a secret?
Why, what's the matter?
Well, I'm allergic
to horseradish.
It gives me bumpy blotches all over
my face and it makes me wheeze.
Oh, Ann I...
I-I can feel myself
blotching now.
Oh, Donald, it's
happening all in your mind.
But it's also under your skin.
Am I breaking out bad?
Well, let's see. There's
just about 10 little
bumps over there and
about 13, 14 over there.
Oh, Ann.
Donald, why didn't you tell me
you were allergic to horseradish?
Well, it's not the
sort of thing you say
when you're going
out with a girl.
You look lovely, my dear.
I'm allergic to horseradish.
Donald, I'm sorry. Why,
if you only had told me,
I could have used...
Why did you hit me in the face?
Because you, you put your
face where your back was.
I'm sorry, Donald.
Ann, I have another
revelation for you.
I wear contact lenses. Why?
Well, because they're more
comfortable than regular glasses.
You wear glasses?
No. No, contact lenses.
Gee, you can't even tell.
That's because
when you slapped me,
you knocked them both out.
No, no, no stop.
Now, don't move.
You might step on them.
You're right.
If that crunch under my
right foot meant anything.
Oh, no.
You, you broke my contacts, Ann.
You broke my contacts.
Contact.
Contact, Donald.
I only broke one.
Okay, look.
Let's look for the other lens.
Okay, now.
When, when the lens came out
I was facing this way
on the blanket, right?
Yes, you were. You were lying
right here. Oh, where? Wait a minute.
So then it should be in
this area somewhere, right?
Right, right.
Okay. All right. Okay, just
somewhere in this area.
Slow. Okay, slow.
You know, Donald, as long as
we've been going out together
I never dreamed
you wore contacts.
You know, listen, there's no
telling how far it flew though.
Not that it makes
any difference.
It's just that you never know a
person as well as you think you do.
Hey, maybe it
rolled into the stream.
I never dreamed you'd be
afraid to meet my parents.
Donald, I just
think it's strange
that two people who really
think they know each other
don't know each other at all.
W-well, does it change
anything that I have
an allergy and I wear contacts?
Of course it doesn't.
I mean, all those
little imperfections
are just more to love.
You can't love
somebody who's perfect.
Gee. Well, I'm glad
neither one of us is perfect.
Why? What's wrong with me?
Oh, nothing.
Oh no, Donald.
You just said it's a good
thing neither of us is perfect.
So what's wrong with me?
Nothing.
Oh, no, no, Donald.
Let's get it out right now.
Let's get it right
out in the open.
Come on, Donald. What is it?
All right, all right.
Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, uh-hmm.
Well sometimes when
you get a little excited
your, your voice gets
all crazy and squeaky.
Oh.
That's not bad.
Okay. Well, wait a
minute. There's more.
Oh, no, no. Thanks a lot. That's
about as imperfect as I want to be.
Look, Ann, I don't
want your folks to meet
a blotchy man
with a swollen foot.
And we're never gonna
find that other lens,
and I'd like to recognize
your folks in case
I ever see them again.
Look, Donald,
they'll understand.
Ann, Univac wouldn't understand.
We are going back to the city.
You let the littlest
things bother you.
Where is she?
They should have been
here an hour and a half ago.
Hmm, what's an
hour and a half to her?
She was 3 days late
when she was born.
It's just not like Ann.
What do you expect?
Running around with that bum.
She's not running around.
And you don't know he's a bum.
He's an hour and a half late
with my daughter, isn't he?
All right, Donald,
keep your foot up.
Don't, don't use your foot.
I'm trying not to.
Oh. Ow. Ow.
Almost there.
Now be careful.
Be careful. Here
we go. I'll help you.
Ow. Just give me your foot.
Ann, now... Give me your
foot. Just give me your foot.
Ann. You're gonna break that...
All right, Don. Get away, get
away. You're gonna break my leg.
Oh, here. Okay, I've got
your shoe. I've got your shoe.
Ann, look, look,
you better drive.
Everything's a
little fuzzy to me.
Okay. Get in. Okay.
Don't push, don't push.
Careful you don't
bump your foot.
Remember your foot.
Remember my foot.
Okay.
Now wait.
Ahh.
Ow.
But it was a pretty spot.
Okay. Are you okay?
I'm okay. Just start the car.
All right.
Oh Donald, I'm sorry.
Something's the
matter with the car.
I can't get it into gear.
Why'd they have to give
you such a crazy car for?
Ann, Ann, it was the
only loaner they had.
You don't even have
the clutch in all the way.
The clutch?
Yeah, the thing you...
You don't know
that thing you push?
This isn't automatic shift?
Ann, not with the clutch.
Well, well, I've never driven
anything but automatic.
I've never clutched
in my life, Donald.
You have never driven...
Oh.
Well, look, never
mind, never mind.
Okay, what do I do?
Look, it's very,
it's very simple.
All you have to do is press your
left foot against the left pedal.
Yeah, that's it. That's
the clutch. Okay.
Well, it's clutched. All right,
all right. Now, put it in first gear.
First gear? There's
more than one gear?
Ann, cars without automatic
transmissions have three gears.
Except cars like this
one, which have four.
Well, look, never
mind, never mind.
You just push in the clutch.
I'll shift.
Okay.
Okay. All right. Now what?
Now, now let out the
clutch, and we're on our way.
All right.
Okay. Sorry, Donald.
Okay. Okay, now we're
gonna try that again.
Only this time, Ann,
just let the clutch out
a little more slowly.
All right, what will I do?
You start it. Start it again.
Okay.
Okay now. See how simple?
Now we're, we're gonna
be on our way again.
Just let the clutch out.
Ease it out slowly.
Ooh, I'm gonna ruin your loaner.
Well, not if you'll just
ease out the clutch.
Okay.
Ease it out.
Slowly, ease it out.
I'm sorry.
I told you I couldn't drive
a car with two pedals.
No, no, no.
Nope, you made great progress.
Ten feet in ten minutes.
Well, it's your fault.
First you tell me to put the
clutch in then out, then in.
Talk about women
changing their mind.
You know, it
suddenly occurs to me,
we're facing a bigger problem.
We're stranded.
We are not stranded.
Ann, I can't see
and you can't drive.
Now I call that stranded.
What we need to
do is get some help.
Ooh, I'll call the Auto Club.
How?
Well, on their number.
Well, how are we gonna call?
Well, see we'll just
drive to a phone booth,
and if we could
drive to a phone booth
we wouldn't have to call.
Don't worry.
She probably
decided not to come.
No, she would have called.
How could she call if that
bum ran off with all her money?
She doesn't need money
to call from her own phone.
Bum probably took that, too.
Oh, Lou.
Will you calm down?
They stopped
for a picnic, right?
They're having so much fun
she probably forgot about the time.
Maybe the bum stole her watch.
Ann, what are you doing? Shh.
I've got my ear to the
ground to see if I can hear
any cars coming.
I don't hear any.
Ann, listen. That only works
when you press your ear against
the railroad track to
see if a train's coming.
Oh.
Well, I don't hear any
trains coming either.
Well, it may be stupid, Donald,
but it's a heck of a lot
better than just sitting.
Ann, listen, listen.
Why don't we go back to
where we first had the picnic
and really scour the place
until we find my other lens?
Okay. Okay?
Ow.
Listen, ow, you think
you'd be able to find
the exact place where we had
the, where we had the picnic?
I think so. I'll just look
for a dead bumblebee.
Ow.
Donald. Donald,
what's the matter?
Oh, my good foot hurts.
I must have a rock in my shoe.
Ooh, stop, don't move.
What? Sn-snake?
A hunch.
I know it, I know it.
I just betcha.
What? Ha ha.
It wasn't any ordinary pebble.
That's your lens.
My lens!
How did it get in my shoe?
You had your shoes
off, remember?
I must have knocked it right in.
There.
You're fuzzy.
Oh? Oh, it's just a little
lint from the blanket.
No, no, no. I
mean, it's the lens.
I-I, it's in the wrong eye.
How can you tell which
lens goes in which eye?
I mean, with glasses,
they're fixed together.
But how can you
tell which contact lens
belongs in which eye?
You can't. That's why I just
put the right lens in the left eye.
There, I can see.
I can see.
What's so funny?
You look like Keiser Wilhelm.
I don't care who I look
like. I can see now.
So I will now drive us
back to New York City
where I will try
and blot this entire
miserable day from my mind.
Donald, now that
you can see again,
why don't we just
go up to my parents?
It's just a couple
of miles from here.
Ann, look at me.
Look at this blotchy,
miserable, limping,
one-eyed man.
They'll understand.
Ann, can you look at me
square in my good eye
and tell me they'll understand?
They will understand.
They understood Ronald Hickey.
Who is Ronald Hickey?
This boy I used to date.
Oh, never mind. They didn't
really understand Ronald.
Now look, Ann.
If I could, if I could
I'd put my foot down.
We are going back to the city.
Okay.
They'd understand.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. How can I drive?
With one eye, you don't
have any depth perception.
I-I wouldn't know if I'm
running off the road once I turn.
What will we do?
Well, look, if I go
slow enough, maybe,
maybe 10 miles an hour...
Yeah, that will be safe enough.
Donald, I don't
like safe enough.
You can tell me when I'm
close to going off the road.
You can tell me when to turn.
You'll be my eyes.
But I flunked out
as your clutch.
Ann, we can't just sit here.
Why don't we just
go up to my parents?
That's only a few miles
and there's no traffic.
Ann, we are going back.
Now, you, you just say
left or right depending
on which way I should
turn this car, okay?
Ow!
Oh, Donald. Donald,
what is it? What is it?
Oh, when I work the clutch
it hurts my bee sting.
Oh, poor Donald.
I can be your eyes.
I just wish I could
bear your pain.
Well, it sounded good
when a girl once said it
to John Wayne in
"Flying Leathernecks".
Right, left.
Ow, ow.
Ow! Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
It really hurts,
okay. Okay, okay.
Yeah, but just real slow,
real gentle, real gentle.
Ow. Ow.
Okay now, left now.
Left, left, left, left.
No, right, right, right.
I think the phrase is,
"Well, Stanley, another fine
mess you've gotten us into."
You turned too much.
I said a teensy
bit to the right.
I turned a teensy
bit to the right.
No, Donald. You turned a shade.
A shade to the right.
A shade is quite a
bit more than a teensy.
I turned what I
considered to be a teensy.
Oh well, if you turned
a teensy we wouldn't be
in this ditch right now.
Ann.
Ann, you and I are gonna
have to learn to communicate.
And perhaps the best
step in that direction
is total silence on your part.
Oh.
Does that mean you're gonna be
your own eyes from now on, too?
I'll be my own eye. Eye.
We can get out of here.
You think we can?
I don't know why
we should expect to.
Oh.
Now what's wrong?
Nothing really.
I hear mud's good
for bee stings.
Well?
Well, it's like I figured.
We're stuck in the mud.
You think we'll
be able to get out?
I don't know. We can try.
But look, you'll have to drive.
Oh, Donald.
One of us has to drive
and one of us has to push.
If it's multiple
choice, I'll drive.
Now look, what we have to do
is take it slow and easy,
and there's a good
chance we can get out.
Now what you have
to do is ease out
the clutch very slowly.
Very slowly.
Right.
Now, okay, start the car.
Okay.
Hold on.
Oh, okay now.
Okay, now as you
ease out the clutch
please just give
it a little gas.
Just a little gas, okay?
Okay, a little gas. Okay.
Okay now.
All right, wait...
All right. Any time.
Oh, Donald, I gave
it just a little gas.
Maybe you meant a teensy-weensy?
Lou, it's getting dark.
It happens every
day about this time.
Bum.
Think we should call the police?
What am I gonna tell the police?
That I want to report
a missing daughter
and a missing bum?
I'm worried.
You're doing a
marvelous job of hiding it.
Huh.
How do I look? All right?
Wait a minute.
That's a police car.
Huh. No.
Don't worry, there's Ann.
Oh.
And there's a cop.
And there's a bum.
Oh, Daddy. Daddy, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm so glad you're
all right. Everything's fine.
Uh, Mom, Dad, I want
you to meet Officer Barner.
What's he doing here?
Well, everything's all right.
I want you to meet Donald.
Don?
Don?
This is Donald.
Lou, it is a bum.
Donald, come upstairs.
You can clean up.
I'll show you where
you can wash.
Now don't worry.
I'll be right back.
I can explain everything.
I dare you.
And so, Donald said,
"Take over the wheel,"
which I did. He said
give it a little bit of gas.
Which I did, give it a little bit of
gas. And the mud got all over him.
He looked funny. And if that
policeman hadn't come along right
then and given us a
lift, we'd still be there.
At least you weren't
hurt... uh, seriously.
I want to thank you again
for the clothes, Mr. Marie.
I feel so stupid. I really
wanted to make an impression.
Oh, you did. You impressed me
as sort of a dirty Keiser Wilhelm.
Daddy. Don't worry,
I don't hate him.
How can I hate anybody
with such rotten luck?
But it was all my fault.
Well, look, I want you to know
that I'm really not
as dirty and stupid
and clumsy as I,
as I look like I am.
Forget it.
Have some dip.
Thank you, sir.
Well, it was just an accident.
I mean an accident
could happen to anybody.
Look, I'm glad it
was an accident.
For a minute I thought he
had crazy eating habits, too.
I-I, I'm sorry.
It's not one of your
better days, is it, lad?
Well, now wait a
minute. All of you, please.
But Daddy, you don't
have to hold the bowl.
♪♪
you stop worrying?
We're gonna stop
for a little picnic
and we should be
there by 2. We'll be fine.
Who's we?
Don Hollinger.
The fellow in the
magazine I sent you.
And Daddy, since this is the
first time you're meeting him...
Well, I mean, well you know
how you always hate
any boy I bring home.
If I've hated them, it's
because they're dummies.
And this Don doesn't
look like any exception.
Quiet now, Lou.
What difference does it make
whether I'm quiet or noisy?
He's still a dummy.
Daddy, News View
is a highly respected magazine.
And Donald Hollinger happens
to be one of the most highly
respected members
of its junior staff.
You know, News View doesn't
trust just anybody with its typewriters.
And I don't trust just
anybody with my daughter.
Daddy, please.
He's driving me up
there as a big favor
and I think he's nervous
about meeting you, anyway.
So, so please be nice.
I'll be adorable.
Okay. I'll see you around 2.
Love you both.
Bye.
Goodbye.
You have to realize something.
She's grown up now. She
makes her own decisions.
She picks her own friends.
Wonderful. She can pick
the dummy of her choice.
Oh, he's probably
a very nice boy.
As far as I'm concerned,
there isn't a guy
in the world who's
good enough for that girl.
♪♪
Hi. Hi.
Well, I'm here.
What are you
dressed like that for?
Well, my blue
suit's in the cleaners.
Donald, picnics
are usually informal.
Yeah, but meeting
your folks is no picnic.
Will you not think of it
as meeting my folks?
We are just driving up
there to pick up my hi-fi set.
And on the way, we're gonna
have a really lovely picnic.
Yeah. But at the end of
that really lovely picnic
I'm gonna meet your folks.
And that's what I'm dressed for.
There is nothing
to be nervous about.
You're a reporter.
You should be used
to meeting people.
People is not your father.
Then pretend he's somebody else,
like the President.
♪♪
♪♪
Wait, oh it's beautiful.
Oh, is this pretty.
Oh, Donald, it's just gorgeous.
I told you we'd
find some. Oh, look.
There's an
adorable little stream.
Oh, come. It's so beautiful.
We can just put our feet...
Oh, Donald, it's
adorable. Okay, wait.
Wait a minute. Bring the basket.
Wait. All right, wait a minute.
Oh, it's just great.
Look how pretty it is up here.
There's so, so many weeds.
Oh, I love it.
Oh look, Donald, isn't it great?
Yes, yes. Okay.
Oh come on. Come
on around this way.
Come on before
the sun goes down.
Wait a minute. There's
weeds in my pants.
Oh, Donald, look
how pretty this is.
Yes, it's beautiful. Oh,
aren't you glad we came here?
Wait a minute
there's, look it's all dirt.
There's no grass there,
Ann. We'll get all filthy.
What do we need grass when
there's this darling little stream.
Look, we can put our toes in
there right after. Oh, okay, okay.
Put down the basket. Okay,
it's beautiful, it's beautiful.
Oh, I love it.
Let's eat, please. Let's eat.
Donald, it's more fun if you're
gonna have a picnic-y attitude.
Oh, we'll go on lots of picnics.
I know.
But none of them
will be the first.
Well, well how do you want
to remember our first picnic?
Just sitting around eating
chopped liver sandwiches?
Oh, you have chopped liver?
Come on.
Let's go wade in the stream.
Oh, no. Come on, Donald.
Oh, I love it.
Come on in. No, no, my pants.
I'll get my pants wet.
I guarantee you
the water is lint-free.
Come on, this is silly.
Look.
Come on, Don. Come on.
Come on out. Come on, Don.
You come and get
me. Come and get me.
Ann, that's silly.
Come on.
You're a child, Ann.
You know that, don't you?
I always am when
I'm on a picnic.
Oh.
Oh, Ann, I... Don't threaten.
All right, all right.
Oh, it's so good.
What's so funny?
Oh, Donald.
I've never seen
your ankles before.
My ankles are not funny.
That's 'cause
you're used to 'em.
Come on, aren't you coming in?
Yeah, but if I meet your
folks with clammy pants
it's your fault.
Oh.
Ah! Ah!
Oh, Donald, you're
being so funny.
What are you doing?
You're sillier than me.
I stepped on a bee.
Oh, Donald. I'm so sorry.
Oh, Donald.
Does it hurt?
Well, I know it hurts, Donald,
but what do I say to a
person who just screamed?
Well you could call me stupid.
Nobody but me is stupid
enough to step on a bee.
You're not stupid.
Bees don't belong on the ground.
Well he was there.
Then he was stupid.
Well look, anyway we can
forget about seeing your folks.
Just because of
one little bee sting?
No, because of
one big swollen foot.
I mean, what's your dad
gonna think when I come
hopping up to the
house on one foot?
He isn't gonna think
anything. You can just
stay off the grass.
Ann.
Donald, you're just
using this bee sting
so you don't have
to meet my parents.
Yeah, you're
right. You're right.
I always carry a kamikaze
bee for just such occasions.
Donald, please.
Please.
Oh, okay, okay.
All right, I'll go.
Good.
You know you said you want
to remember our first picnic.
I know I will.
Poor Donald.
Oh, Donald, it's so
pretty up here. Mm hm.
You know we couldn't
have picked a better place.
Hey, you got another sandwich?
You like 'em?
I love chopped liver.
It's my own recipe.
Well, not that I cook
my own liver or anything.
It's just that I put in a
little extra dash of vinegar,
and a little extra dash
of mayonnaise. Mm hm.
Well, what I think really gives
it the zing is the horseradish.
Hmm.
Horseradish?
Yeah, that's the real
secret of great chopped liver.
Well, why did you
keep it a secret?
Why, what's the matter?
Well, I'm allergic
to horseradish.
It gives me bumpy blotches all over
my face and it makes me wheeze.
Oh, Ann I...
I-I can feel myself
blotching now.
Oh, Donald, it's
happening all in your mind.
But it's also under your skin.
Am I breaking out bad?
Well, let's see. There's
just about 10 little
bumps over there and
about 13, 14 over there.
Oh, Ann.
Donald, why didn't you tell me
you were allergic to horseradish?
Well, it's not the
sort of thing you say
when you're going
out with a girl.
You look lovely, my dear.
I'm allergic to horseradish.
Donald, I'm sorry. Why,
if you only had told me,
I could have used...
Why did you hit me in the face?
Because you, you put your
face where your back was.
I'm sorry, Donald.
Ann, I have another
revelation for you.
I wear contact lenses. Why?
Well, because they're more
comfortable than regular glasses.
You wear glasses?
No. No, contact lenses.
Gee, you can't even tell.
That's because
when you slapped me,
you knocked them both out.
No, no, no stop.
Now, don't move.
You might step on them.
You're right.
If that crunch under my
right foot meant anything.
Oh, no.
You, you broke my contacts, Ann.
You broke my contacts.
Contact.
Contact, Donald.
I only broke one.
Okay, look.
Let's look for the other lens.
Okay, now.
When, when the lens came out
I was facing this way
on the blanket, right?
Yes, you were. You were lying
right here. Oh, where? Wait a minute.
So then it should be in
this area somewhere, right?
Right, right.
Okay. All right. Okay, just
somewhere in this area.
Slow. Okay, slow.
You know, Donald, as long as
we've been going out together
I never dreamed
you wore contacts.
You know, listen, there's no
telling how far it flew though.
Not that it makes
any difference.
It's just that you never know a
person as well as you think you do.
Hey, maybe it
rolled into the stream.
I never dreamed you'd be
afraid to meet my parents.
Donald, I just
think it's strange
that two people who really
think they know each other
don't know each other at all.
W-well, does it change
anything that I have
an allergy and I wear contacts?
Of course it doesn't.
I mean, all those
little imperfections
are just more to love.
You can't love
somebody who's perfect.
Gee. Well, I'm glad
neither one of us is perfect.
Why? What's wrong with me?
Oh, nothing.
Oh no, Donald.
You just said it's a good
thing neither of us is perfect.
So what's wrong with me?
Nothing.
Oh, no, no, Donald.
Let's get it out right now.
Let's get it right
out in the open.
Come on, Donald. What is it?
All right, all right.
Uh-hmm, uh-hmm, uh-hmm.
Well sometimes when
you get a little excited
your, your voice gets
all crazy and squeaky.
Oh.
That's not bad.
Okay. Well, wait a
minute. There's more.
Oh, no, no. Thanks a lot. That's
about as imperfect as I want to be.
Look, Ann, I don't
want your folks to meet
a blotchy man
with a swollen foot.
And we're never gonna
find that other lens,
and I'd like to recognize
your folks in case
I ever see them again.
Look, Donald,
they'll understand.
Ann, Univac wouldn't understand.
We are going back to the city.
You let the littlest
things bother you.
Where is she?
They should have been
here an hour and a half ago.
Hmm, what's an
hour and a half to her?
She was 3 days late
when she was born.
It's just not like Ann.
What do you expect?
Running around with that bum.
She's not running around.
And you don't know he's a bum.
He's an hour and a half late
with my daughter, isn't he?
All right, Donald,
keep your foot up.
Don't, don't use your foot.
I'm trying not to.
Oh. Ow. Ow.
Almost there.
Now be careful.
Be careful. Here
we go. I'll help you.
Ow. Just give me your foot.
Ann, now... Give me your
foot. Just give me your foot.
Ann. You're gonna break that...
All right, Don. Get away, get
away. You're gonna break my leg.
Oh, here. Okay, I've got
your shoe. I've got your shoe.
Ann, look, look,
you better drive.
Everything's a
little fuzzy to me.
Okay. Get in. Okay.
Don't push, don't push.
Careful you don't
bump your foot.
Remember your foot.
Remember my foot.
Okay.
Now wait.
Ahh.
Ow.
But it was a pretty spot.
Okay. Are you okay?
I'm okay. Just start the car.
All right.
Oh Donald, I'm sorry.
Something's the
matter with the car.
I can't get it into gear.
Why'd they have to give
you such a crazy car for?
Ann, Ann, it was the
only loaner they had.
You don't even have
the clutch in all the way.
The clutch?
Yeah, the thing you...
You don't know
that thing you push?
This isn't automatic shift?
Ann, not with the clutch.
Well, well, I've never driven
anything but automatic.
I've never clutched
in my life, Donald.
You have never driven...
Oh.
Well, look, never
mind, never mind.
Okay, what do I do?
Look, it's very,
it's very simple.
All you have to do is press your
left foot against the left pedal.
Yeah, that's it. That's
the clutch. Okay.
Well, it's clutched. All right,
all right. Now, put it in first gear.
First gear? There's
more than one gear?
Ann, cars without automatic
transmissions have three gears.
Except cars like this
one, which have four.
Well, look, never
mind, never mind.
You just push in the clutch.
I'll shift.
Okay.
Okay. All right. Now what?
Now, now let out the
clutch, and we're on our way.
All right.
Okay. Sorry, Donald.
Okay. Okay, now we're
gonna try that again.
Only this time, Ann,
just let the clutch out
a little more slowly.
All right, what will I do?
You start it. Start it again.
Okay.
Okay now. See how simple?
Now we're, we're gonna
be on our way again.
Just let the clutch out.
Ease it out slowly.
Ooh, I'm gonna ruin your loaner.
Well, not if you'll just
ease out the clutch.
Okay.
Ease it out.
Slowly, ease it out.
I'm sorry.
I told you I couldn't drive
a car with two pedals.
No, no, no.
Nope, you made great progress.
Ten feet in ten minutes.
Well, it's your fault.
First you tell me to put the
clutch in then out, then in.
Talk about women
changing their mind.
You know, it
suddenly occurs to me,
we're facing a bigger problem.
We're stranded.
We are not stranded.
Ann, I can't see
and you can't drive.
Now I call that stranded.
What we need to
do is get some help.
Ooh, I'll call the Auto Club.
How?
Well, on their number.
Well, how are we gonna call?
Well, see we'll just
drive to a phone booth,
and if we could
drive to a phone booth
we wouldn't have to call.
Don't worry.
She probably
decided not to come.
No, she would have called.
How could she call if that
bum ran off with all her money?
She doesn't need money
to call from her own phone.
Bum probably took that, too.
Oh, Lou.
Will you calm down?
They stopped
for a picnic, right?
They're having so much fun
she probably forgot about the time.
Maybe the bum stole her watch.
Ann, what are you doing? Shh.
I've got my ear to the
ground to see if I can hear
any cars coming.
I don't hear any.
Ann, listen. That only works
when you press your ear against
the railroad track to
see if a train's coming.
Oh.
Well, I don't hear any
trains coming either.
Well, it may be stupid, Donald,
but it's a heck of a lot
better than just sitting.
Ann, listen, listen.
Why don't we go back to
where we first had the picnic
and really scour the place
until we find my other lens?
Okay. Okay?
Ow.
Listen, ow, you think
you'd be able to find
the exact place where we had
the, where we had the picnic?
I think so. I'll just look
for a dead bumblebee.
Ow.
Donald. Donald,
what's the matter?
Oh, my good foot hurts.
I must have a rock in my shoe.
Ooh, stop, don't move.
What? Sn-snake?
A hunch.
I know it, I know it.
I just betcha.
What? Ha ha.
It wasn't any ordinary pebble.
That's your lens.
My lens!
How did it get in my shoe?
You had your shoes
off, remember?
I must have knocked it right in.
There.
You're fuzzy.
Oh? Oh, it's just a little
lint from the blanket.
No, no, no. I
mean, it's the lens.
I-I, it's in the wrong eye.
How can you tell which
lens goes in which eye?
I mean, with glasses,
they're fixed together.
But how can you
tell which contact lens
belongs in which eye?
You can't. That's why I just
put the right lens in the left eye.
There, I can see.
I can see.
What's so funny?
You look like Keiser Wilhelm.
I don't care who I look
like. I can see now.
So I will now drive us
back to New York City
where I will try
and blot this entire
miserable day from my mind.
Donald, now that
you can see again,
why don't we just
go up to my parents?
It's just a couple
of miles from here.
Ann, look at me.
Look at this blotchy,
miserable, limping,
one-eyed man.
They'll understand.
Ann, can you look at me
square in my good eye
and tell me they'll understand?
They will understand.
They understood Ronald Hickey.
Who is Ronald Hickey?
This boy I used to date.
Oh, never mind. They didn't
really understand Ronald.
Now look, Ann.
If I could, if I could
I'd put my foot down.
We are going back to the city.
Okay.
They'd understand.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. How can I drive?
With one eye, you don't
have any depth perception.
I-I wouldn't know if I'm
running off the road once I turn.
What will we do?
Well, look, if I go
slow enough, maybe,
maybe 10 miles an hour...
Yeah, that will be safe enough.
Donald, I don't
like safe enough.
You can tell me when I'm
close to going off the road.
You can tell me when to turn.
You'll be my eyes.
But I flunked out
as your clutch.
Ann, we can't just sit here.
Why don't we just
go up to my parents?
That's only a few miles
and there's no traffic.
Ann, we are going back.
Now, you, you just say
left or right depending
on which way I should
turn this car, okay?
Ow!
Oh, Donald. Donald,
what is it? What is it?
Oh, when I work the clutch
it hurts my bee sting.
Oh, poor Donald.
I can be your eyes.
I just wish I could
bear your pain.
Well, it sounded good
when a girl once said it
to John Wayne in
"Flying Leathernecks".
Right, left.
Ow, ow.
Ow! Oh, Donald, I'm sorry.
It really hurts,
okay. Okay, okay.
Yeah, but just real slow,
real gentle, real gentle.
Ow. Ow.
Okay now, left now.
Left, left, left, left.
No, right, right, right.
I think the phrase is,
"Well, Stanley, another fine
mess you've gotten us into."
You turned too much.
I said a teensy
bit to the right.
I turned a teensy
bit to the right.
No, Donald. You turned a shade.
A shade to the right.
A shade is quite a
bit more than a teensy.
I turned what I
considered to be a teensy.
Oh well, if you turned
a teensy we wouldn't be
in this ditch right now.
Ann.
Ann, you and I are gonna
have to learn to communicate.
And perhaps the best
step in that direction
is total silence on your part.
Oh.
Does that mean you're gonna be
your own eyes from now on, too?
I'll be my own eye. Eye.
We can get out of here.
You think we can?
I don't know why
we should expect to.
Oh.
Now what's wrong?
Nothing really.
I hear mud's good
for bee stings.
Well?
Well, it's like I figured.
We're stuck in the mud.
You think we'll
be able to get out?
I don't know. We can try.
But look, you'll have to drive.
Oh, Donald.
One of us has to drive
and one of us has to push.
If it's multiple
choice, I'll drive.
Now look, what we have to do
is take it slow and easy,
and there's a good
chance we can get out.
Now what you have
to do is ease out
the clutch very slowly.
Very slowly.
Right.
Now, okay, start the car.
Okay.
Hold on.
Oh, okay now.
Okay, now as you
ease out the clutch
please just give
it a little gas.
Just a little gas, okay?
Okay, a little gas. Okay.
Okay now.
All right, wait...
All right. Any time.
Oh, Donald, I gave
it just a little gas.
Maybe you meant a teensy-weensy?
Lou, it's getting dark.
It happens every
day about this time.
Bum.
Think we should call the police?
What am I gonna tell the police?
That I want to report
a missing daughter
and a missing bum?
I'm worried.
You're doing a
marvelous job of hiding it.
Huh.
How do I look? All right?
Wait a minute.
That's a police car.
Huh. No.
Don't worry, there's Ann.
Oh.
And there's a cop.
And there's a bum.
Oh, Daddy. Daddy, I'm sorry.
Oh, I'm so glad you're
all right. Everything's fine.
Uh, Mom, Dad, I want
you to meet Officer Barner.
What's he doing here?
Well, everything's all right.
I want you to meet Donald.
Don?
Don?
This is Donald.
Lou, it is a bum.
Donald, come upstairs.
You can clean up.
I'll show you where
you can wash.
Now don't worry.
I'll be right back.
I can explain everything.
I dare you.
And so, Donald said,
"Take over the wheel,"
which I did. He said
give it a little bit of gas.
Which I did, give it a little bit of
gas. And the mud got all over him.
He looked funny. And if that
policeman hadn't come along right
then and given us a
lift, we'd still be there.
At least you weren't
hurt... uh, seriously.
I want to thank you again
for the clothes, Mr. Marie.
I feel so stupid. I really
wanted to make an impression.
Oh, you did. You impressed me
as sort of a dirty Keiser Wilhelm.
Daddy. Don't worry,
I don't hate him.
How can I hate anybody
with such rotten luck?
But it was all my fault.
Well, look, I want you to know
that I'm really not
as dirty and stupid
and clumsy as I,
as I look like I am.
Forget it.
Have some dip.
Thank you, sir.
Well, it was just an accident.
I mean an accident
could happen to anybody.
Look, I'm glad it
was an accident.
For a minute I thought he
had crazy eating habits, too.
I-I, I'm sorry.
It's not one of your
better days, is it, lad?
Well, now wait a
minute. All of you, please.
But Daddy, you don't
have to hold the bowl.
♪♪