That Girl (1966–1971): Season 1, Episode 3 - Never Change a Diaper on Opening Night - full transcript

I'm sure you'll be a fine actor

one of these days.

However, I doubt
if this will occur

during my lifetime.

Meanwhile, you say you have
a part-time job selling shoes?

My advice is to
make it full-time.

Goodbye, my boy.

So much for sentimentality.

Now, there goes an unfit student

for the Jules Benedict
Theater Workshop.

Now, who here
thinks he is fit, hmm?



Come, come.

All right, that girl.

♪♪

Oh, Mr. Benedict, what
an impressive office.

Only when I'm in it.

You've taught all
these famous people.

I taught them how to be famous.

Sit.

Is that the way you
usually walk across a room,

like a salmon
struggling upstream?

Well, shall I do it again?

Please.

You've already flunked walking.

Now, Miss, uh-uh...
Marie, Ann Marie.



Can't even walk across a room

and already you
have a stage name?

Oh, no, it isn't. My
father's name is Marie.

And your mother's name is Sam.

May I ask why do you
wish to become an actress?

Well, I've been told
I have a little talent.

I'm sure that's accurate.

You filled out your application?

Yes, sir. Oh, Mr. Benedict,

it means a great deal for
me to get into your workshop.

I've been looking forward to
this appointment for months.

It was right in here.

The application, please.

Yes, sir.

Here it is.

You folded it.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now, let's see.

Previous stage experience:

College Dramatic Society,

several leads at the
community playhouse,

medal for Best Actress
at Camp Whinepu.

Why didn't you
just write, "none"?

Uh-hmm, um.

Oh.

Oh, oh.

Well, Miss Marie...
Alright, Mr. Benedict,

I won't take up any
more of your time.

You have not been dismissed.

Well, it's obvious I'm
not gonna be accepted.

Young lady, I am never obvious.

Oh, but I watched you
reading my application

and the way you kept
shaking your head.

There only seemed to be
one thing that pleased you.

What was it?

Well, it says here you have
no contagious diseases.

You have just won the privilege

of being turned down
after you audition for me.

Oh, I have?

Oh, Mr. Benedict, you mean
I'm gonna audition for you?

I mean, I'll audition right after
I'm turned down after the audition.

I'm just so excited about this.

You remind me of a wind-up toy.

Now, take this script with you

and study the scene on page 18,

the phone conversation
between Florence and Albert.

You want me to play Florence?

Of course you want me to play Florence.
Course, of course, right. I'll be Florence.

Yes. Be back here
tonight precisely at 8:15.

I'll be here at 7, ha ha.

8:15.

All right. Okay, 8:15.

Just synchronizing my watch.

I'll be here on time.
Thanks a lot, Mr. Benedict.

8:15.

Thank you very much.

♪♪

But we live in two separate
worlds. I could never move

into yours and you wouldn't
want any part of mine.

I'm only trying to be realistic.

Oh, Judy, the most
exciting thing has happened.

Oh, I didn't know you
were on the phone.

Oh, it's my sister in Largemont.

She's having another
fight with her husband.

Well, that's too bad. Well,
come over when you're through.

I'll never be through. They
haven't got a marriage.

It's a marathon boxingmatch.

Margaret, I just can't
come up this afternoon.

There's no one to
stay with Stanley.

I can't get a sitter
on such short notice.

Hey, wait a minute, maybe I can.

Don't go away.

Boy, you really look excited.

What happened?

I finally got my audition
for the Benedict Workshop.

That's wonderful. When?

Tonight at 8:15.

Perfect. I'll be back by 6:30.

Margaret, I can come. I found
someone to sit with Stanley.

No, you haven't.

Margaret, I'll call you back.

But, Judy, I just can't tonight.

This audition's too
important for me.

But you won't be late
if I'm back by 6:30.

But you won't be
back by 6:30. Why?

I don't have to tell you. You'll
think of something. Will you do it?

No, I just can't. I've
got too much to do.

Three pages of dialogue to
memorize and with the baby here...

It won't bother him.

It will bother him.
It will bother me.

I've gotta do my hair
and press my dress

and then take a shower,
then get dressed and...

All right, Ann. If
that's your last word.

Wait, Judy. I promise I'll baby-sit
for two weeks straight for you,

but I just can't tonight.

If you can't, you can't.

Hello.

Margaret.

No, this is Ann.

Judy's in her own apartment.

I'm in my own apartment.

Oh, she must have taken
my phone out by mistake.

Yeah, we really should
get different colors

or shorter cords.

Ha-ha.

Well Margaret,
I... Margaret, you...

Yes, yes.

Sure.

Okay. Yeah, I'll tell her.

All right, bye.

I told Margaret I'd
stay with the baby.

Huh? She just called me
on your phone in my house.

And you're right, you
better get up there.

Oh, Ann, thank you.

If there's ever anything
I can do for you.

Just be back at 6:30.

Hello, Albert.

Hello, Albert.

I asked you not
to call me again.

Hello, Albert.

I asked you not
to call me again.

Hello.

Albert.

I asked you not
to call me again.

Of course I love you.

I wish I didn't. It'll be so
much easier for the both of us.

Be so much easier,

be so much easier
for the both of us.

Hmm.

Well, Albert's my boyfriend.

He's terribly rich
and I'm terribly poor.

Oh, sweetheart,
it isn't that sad.

No, no, it isn't that sad.

They get married at the end.

And probably have a baby
and I have to take care of her.

Here, play with your rattle.

Here's a teddy bear.

Okay, your teething ring?

No, huh?

You're very tired.

You're so sleepy.

Your eyes are
beginning to close.

You're very tired.

You're so sleepy.

Your eyes are
beginning to close.

But your mouth isn't.

Stanley, what is it you want?

Of course you're hungry,
you poor, little darling.

You want a baloney sandwich?

I know. We're gonna have
to get you a set of teeth.

Okay, I'll fix your lunch.

You stay right there. I'm
gonna get you something.

Albert we live in
two separate worlds,

but there is something
you could do for me.

You can come over
and take care of Stanley,

so, I don't miss my audition.

Albert we live in
two different worlds.

I could never move into yours

and you wouldn't
want any part of mine.

Come on Stanley, you
finished that milk an hour ago.

Come on.

Oh, Albert, we
gotta be realistic.

Did you ever stop to think of
what your parents might say?

Ha-ha.

Good boy. Right on cue.

You little devil.

Come on, you're such a good boy.

Wait till I tell your mommy.

I'll tell your mommy that
you drank all your milk

and you went burping.

Yes, yes.

No, no. Good boy.

No, no. Please, please.

Hello. Judy, hi.

Yes, everything's just great.

Oh, he's happy as a log.

Shhh.

Judy, where are you?

I'm still in Largemont.

Judy, you promised
to be back at 6:30.

I know.

But my big, lummox
brother-in-law

just came home
and Margaret's here

and I'm afraid to leave
them alone together.

Send one of them down
here to sit with Stanley.

What if Leon sits with Stanley?

Well, fine, fine.
Can you get him?

I don't have to.

He has early office hours today

and he'll be home any minute.

Alright, Judy.

But if he isn't, you
better get ready

for a bigger fight here
than you have over there.

Okay.

I know. All right, bye.

I was only kidding.

I wouldn't hurt your mother.

But if your father doesn't
get home, I may kill him.

Oh.

Just a minute, Just a minute.

Oh, Leon, am I glad to see you.

Well, you've never been
that glad to see me before.

Never been this glad
to see anybody before.

I've got an audition
tonight at 8:15.

Oh, yeah? Uh, Judy wasn't
home, so, I figured she might be...

Oh, hey there, champ.

What are you doing over here?

Judy's up in Largemont
with your sister-in-law

and her sparring partner.

At it again, huh?
Yes. Sweetheart.

Come on, boy.
Stanley, there's Daddy.

Come on, boy.
Daddy, there's Stanley.

Hey there, big boy.

You've been having
fun with Aunt Annie?

No, I've been
rehearsing all day.

No need for that. When
the time comes, I'm

sure you're gonna
make a fine little mommy.

Thanks, Leon.

Listen, you want me to
his stuff this over there?

No, I'll be back in a few
minutes to pick 'em up.

Oh, okay.

Now, leave the key and when
you come back, just put it there.

Leave the key or...

Take the key, I mean.
Take the key, right.

And, and when you come back,

leave it right
there. Right. Okay.

Say bye-bye Aunt
Annie. Thanks a lot.

Bye-bye.

♪ Rock a bye baby
on the tree top ♪

♪ Boy, am I glad you're
home with your pop. ♪

Who is it?

Leon.

Oh, okay, Leon. Leave the key.

Right.

I, uh, I gotta leave
Stanley, too. What?

Stanley. I, uh, I'm
putting him in the buggy.

Leon, Leon, you
can't do this to me.

I've got that audition tonight.

I'm sorry, Annie. But I just
got a call from the hospital.

Another little person's
about to come into the world.

And another big
person's about to go out.

Oh, Leon, you
can't do this to me.

But there's no other
way. It's an emergency.

What about my emergency?

Would you leave your
baby with a babbling,

hopeless incompetent?

No.

Oh, I get it.

You're making a little joke.

No, I'll be back as soon
as possible. 10 at the latest.

10?

Well, 9:30 if the
patient's early.

If I'm late, Mr. Benedict
will never speak to me again.

I'm sorry, Annie.

But in the over-all
scheme of things,

the miracle of birth
has still got to come first.

Now, goodbye.

All right.

You're right.

Some miracle you are.

What are you so happy about?

You like to see people suffer?

Wait till I start
getting delirious,

then you'll really
enjoy yourself.

Stanley, what is it?

You can't possibly
be hungry again.

Sweetheart, please.

Hello.

Please, be quiet.

I haven't said anything yet.

Not you, Stanley.

Judy, where in the heck are you?

I'm still in Largemont.

I'm sorry.

Is anyone coming over?

Oh, I've called everybody.

Don has to work and
George has a date,

and my mother
and father are out.

What am I gonna do?

Ann, I've made a decision.

What, are you coming home?

No, you can take
Stanley with you.

Take Stanley with me?

Oh, now, don't worry.

He's been out in
the evening before.

I know. But I can't take
a baby to an audition.

Why not?

I taught him how to clap hands.

Oh, don't be ridiculous,
that's out of the question.

It's 7:30.

Then, what are you going to do?

What can I do? I'm gonna
take Stanley to the audition.

Good.

But I'd like him to
be dressed real nice.

How dressed up can a baby get?

Ann, go into his room and in his
dresser, under the navy sweater,

you'll find a blue knit
suit with a striped top.

Okay, all right.

In the dresser, under
the blue sweater

the blue, knit thing
with a stripe top.

Okay, hold on while I find them.

♪♪

Okay, I got 'em.

Now, in the chest by the crib

you'll find his yellow coat

his grandma Harriet
gave him for Christmas,

and the hat from cousin Selma.

Judy, why didn't
you tell me before?

I could have gotten them
when I went for the rompers.

Well, I was afraid you'd
have too much to remember.

Okay, okay. I'll get it.

♪♪

Oh!

Of course I love you,
Albert I wish I didn't.

It'll be so much
easier for both of us.

I realize that the court
has a busy calendar,

but we're both interested in
seeing that justice be done.

And the only way that
justice can be done

is if the jury will bring
in a murder of verdict

in the first degree.

The, uh, prosecution rests.

An excellent idea.

And after that performance,

I'd advise you, young man,

to throw yourself on
the mercy of the court

or out the window.

Next applicant, please.

Miss Ann Marie.

Come, come. I have no
patience with tardiness.

I'm here,
Mr. Benedict. I'm here.

Here I am, here I am.

Right on time,
right on time, 8:15.

Huh huh.

Well, if you're
doing Goldilock's,

won't you need a
Mama and a Papa Bear?

Oh, oh, this isn't in the...

I mean, I was just carrying
it... for, for good luck.

I'm ready whenever you are.

Well, go ahead.

Oh, I thought you'd
give me a signal.

What was that?

I heard a baby.

I see a baby.

Miss Marie, in my
office this morning,

you were unmarried
and childless.

Yes, sir.

I'm aware of the great
strides being made

in the medical
profession but this is...

Oh, he isn't mine, Mr. Benedict.

It belongs to my
next door neighbor.

You see, she had
to go up to Largemont

because her sister was
having a fight with her husband,

and she had no one
to leave the baby with.

And Judy just had to get up
there to protect her sister and...

And you really
don't care, do you?

What are you chatting about?

W-well sir, I know I
shouldn't have brought him,

but it was the only way
I could get here on time.

And I just couldn't pass up this
opportunity to be a pupil in your class.

A pupil possibly,
but never in my class.

Now, why don't you
and nature's little wonder

go into my office and
wait until you are called.

Yes, sir.

And don't drool on
anything, either of you.

Yes, Mr. Benedict.

Thank you, sir.

He'll kill me for
messing up his office,

but if something happens, I
can't have you rolling off a desk.

There.

Okay, now.

Albert, we gotta be realistic.

Albert, Albert, we
gotta be realistic.

Miss Ann Marie.

That's us, Stanley.

Okay now, sweetheart,
you just lie there

and think pleasant thoughts.

No noise.

Only burp if you have to.

Love you, okay.

All right, Miss Marie.

If things are all under
control in Diadeeland,

let's take it from
the phone call.

Hello, Albert.

Albert, I told you
not to call me again.

Please, dear, you must listen.

Oh, of course I love you but...

But I hear the baby crying.

Stanley, oh, Stanley, please.

Now, please
sweetheart, stop crying.

Come on, I'll only
be a few minutes.

There, okay.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Okay, be a good boy now.

Good boy. Okay, bye.

Should I start at the beginning?

Yes. Starting at the
end makes it too short.

Hello, Albert.

Albert, I asked you
not to call me again.

Why is she doing this?

She's been sent from the
Actors Studio to destroy me.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

Shall I start again,
Mr. Benedict?

I guess I should.

Hello, Albert.

Uh, wait a minute.

Albert, I asked you
not to call me again.

Please, please, dear, please.

You must be realistic.

What would your
parent" think, Albert.

No, no, no, Albert.

Uh, I just wanna...

That will be enough, Miss Marie.

Now, I suggest that
when you hang up

the phone with Albert,

you immediately call
the Hollywood Palace

and see if they can
use a girl, a baby

and a teddy bear.

Now, get that
swelling bundle of milk

and talcum powder out of here.

I can't help it, Mr. Benedict.

Weren't you ever a baby?

I'll thank you not
to rake up the past.

But what about my audition?

You've lost your audition.

You are now
fighting for your life.

Get that slobbering,
babbling disaster out of here.

Now see here, Mr. Benedict.

I don't mind your attacking me

but I will not allow you
to attack my friend's baby.

You're a cruel
and heartless man.

Miss Marie, you are
using up my acoustics.

So, what do you care if Herman
and Margaret kill each other?

You're just safe and sound
in your snug little workshop.

Well, I'll tell you something.

You attack
defenseless little babies

'cause they can't
talk back to you.

Well, I can and I'll tell
you what you really are.

No, I'm not gonna tell
you what you really are, no.

I'm just gonna let you stay
up all night trying to guess.

Did you hear the
way she spoke to me?

No one gets away with that
in the Benedict Workshop

except Benedict.

Well Stanley, it's over.

Boy, we really blew it.

But don't let it get
you down, sweetheart.

Here, hold this. It
wasn't your fault.

No, sir.

At least it wasn't a total loss.

We had fun in the taxi on
the way down, didn't we?

Sure. And you just
forget about Mr. Benedict.

I'm sure he didn't
mean all those terrible

things he said.

He's a big stinker,
are you kidding?

Just the best darn
teacher, that's all.

Who cares about this
dumb workshop anyway?

I do.

But I'll get over it.

Yes.

Sure, someday, when
you're all grown up,

you-you'll come
and see me, Stanley.

And I'll be selling things.

I'll probably be
selling teddy bears

and you can tell
all your friends

I made her what she is today.

There you go.

There, we're gonna get
out of this terrible place.

Yes, sir.

We're gonna take the subway.

You better believe it.

That was quite the performance.

I wasn't acting.

I know, but it takes
a certain talent

to come across as a real person.

May we go now?

Yes, I'll reserve the
rest of my comments

till after your audition
tomorrow night.

My audition?

Certainly not mine.

You mean you're giving
me another chance

after everything I've just said?

I'm a bit curious
about those things

you wanted me to
stay up nights guessing.

Oh, you are?

Well, I think I'll just save

some of my comments, too.

Till after the audition.

I'm sorry, Albert.

But it's all over
and this is goodbye.

Goodbye, Albert.

Thank you, Miss Marie.

I'll see in my office in
exactly two minutes.

He hated it.

Otherwise, he would've
said something nice.

On the other hand, I
mean, even if he loved it,

he never said anything nice.

Of course he did say
"Thank you, Miss Marie."

But that could mean he
was thankful it was all over.

No, no. I'm gonna
think positive.

It was terrific.

And I hope he really thinks
so 'cause I really don't.

Come in.

I know it's only been one minute
and forty-eight seconds, Mr. Benedict.

But I just couldn't
wait any longer.

I just had to find out.
Now, it's two minutes.

Well, Miss Marie, I'd say
your acting was just adequate.

Your projection, just passable.

Diction, needs a lot of work.

As to the way you move...

It's obvious, I didn't make it.

Quite the contrary.

I want you in the workshop.

You'll be my greatest challenge.

I really don't
understand you at all.

I mean, I-I wasn't really
terrific on the stage tonight.

I could tell you weren't
thrilled by my performance.

And last night I said some
really terrible things to you and...

I just don't understand why
you want me in your workshop.

That's my way of getting even.

♪♪