That Damn Michael Che (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

- Want me to sit here?

All right.

This is cool.

Why did
I plan this party?

Well, I just thought it
was time that somebody

celebrated Black
excellence, you know?

Black girl magic,
Black boy magic,

Black magic in general.

And what better way
to celebrate that

than with a fancy-ass
brunch, right?

- Who?



- Um, Jay-Z, yeah, the rapper?
Does he have a brunch too?

- Um, no.

Well, let me guess, Jay-Z's the
only guy that likes brunch now?

So Jay-Z's the only one

that gets fucked up in
the mornings on a Sunday?

That's not true.
I've been doing that.

Great minds, I guess.

I guess it's one of
those kind of things.

- I don't get invited to any
of the famous Black shit.

I haven't been to the
Roc Nation brunch.

I haven't been to ESSENCE Fest.

I haven't been to
the BET Awards.

I haven't been on
"Desus & Mero."

- 'Cause you don't
like Black people.



- Damn.
- Che hates Black people.

- That's crazy.
- As neighbors.

No, I...

Planning this party has
been... a lot of fun.

Like, you gotta get the
right team, you know?

It's obviously a give-and-take
with the planners.

- What if we had, like, a cool
make-your-own-omelet station?

- Ooh.
- I love omelet stations.

You can make, like, six
eggs with all the toppings.

- Guys, shut up.

This is a power brunch to
celebrate Black excellence,

Black power, Black magic.
- Black magic.

- You're talking about a
fucking omelet station?

Come on, man, we
need to working on

getting the hottest
niggas in the game.

- I love that.
- Yeah.

- So let's get a
guest list together.

- What about Ziwe?

- Oh, she loves these
kinds of events.

- No.

- What?
- Why not?

- Think bigger, okay?

Somebody that's got
their own show, at least.

- She has her own show.

- Yeah, but does
anybody watch that shit?

- I watch it.

- I think it's the
best comedy show

to come out last year.

- My show came out
last year, so...

- "SNL" has been on, though.
- Not "SNL."

I have my own show too,
"That Damn Michael Che."

You guys haven't seen my show?

- No, what station is it on?

- It's on... an app.

- Sorry about that, guys.

I just took the
longest pee ever.

What'd I miss?

- We're starting a guest list
of the top young Black stars.

- Oh, then we gotta get Ziwe.
- See?

- What about Issa Rae?

- I mean, of course.
Do you know her?

- I've met her.

- Do you think she'd
come to your brunch?

- What about Donald Glover?
- You know him?

- I've... met him.

We play this game, me
and Wil, every show

where he tells us
two inventions,

one invented by a Black person.

We have to find out...

- Which one's by a
Black person and why.

Yo, all right, you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready, Wil.

- Cellular phone or pager.

Cellular phone or pager.

- All right, white
people, before you answer,

know that one is
very racist to say.

It's definitely the pager.

I know it is. They're
so proud of it.

I'm gonna say pager.
- Why?

- Well, because we're
very proud the pager.

The answer is cell
phone by Henry Sampson.

- A Black man invented
the cell phone?

- Yeah. What...
are you serious?

- I just feel like we
should know that shit.

Like, cell phones is
fucking our whole lives,

and we didn't know
a Black man did it,

yet we still hearing
about Martin Luther King.

- Well, you know, I was
at Woolworth's today,

and they had a sale.

Baby, what's wrong?

Are you still upset?

- They always holding us down,

and I can't take it anymore.

- How did talking to the
bank people go today?

Oh, sorry.
- You don't have to be sorry.

It's just, things aren't
going our way right now.

- A man can do all
the right things...

Work hard, put together a
perfect business plan...

And these crackers always
gonna stand in the way.

All I need is the seed money.
They can't even give me that!

- Well, you should do something.

- What am I supposed to do?

I'm just one man.

Looks like rain.

- The Panthers know

that financial security
is the first step,

and to get there, we
need to shop Black.

- That's right.

- Put our money back
in our community.

- That means supporting
Black businesspeople.

Now, we all know Roy who
works at the dry cleaner's.

Well, he needs
our support. Roy?

- Thank you so much
for hearing me out.

Now, I've been a
victim of racism

at the hands of our bank.

I'm an honest man just trying
to get my piece of the pie.

And I think, with the
Black Panthers behind me,

we can go down to that bank.

We can confront
this system head-on.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

Amen.
- Right on.

Right on, brother.
- Yes, we got you.

- Where your friends at, baby?

- I guess it's just
us today, baby.

I knew they weren't
gonna show up.

- It's all right.

You've got God on your
side today and me.

- And me, Pops.

- And the Panthers.

- Oh, we thought you
guys weren't coming.

- Oh, sister, we all coming.

- What is the meaning of this?

- Don't play dumb, whitey.

You brought this on yourself.

- But I didn't do anything.

- Yeah, anything except
deny my husband a bank loan

because you're a
dirty, filthy racist.

- Mr. Middleton,
I'm not racist.

You know this.
Please tell them.

- All I know is
that I, a Black man,

tried to get a loan

and you, a white man, denied me.

Sounds racist.

- Mr. Middleton, you
know it wasn't due

to the color of your skin.

- Then what was it?

- Big umbrellas.

- What do you mean?

- He wanted a $2-million loan

for a big-umbrella business.

- Racist.
- Now, hold on, Roy.

What you saying, man?

- He wanted to make
an umbrella big enough

to go over the whole city.
- Oh, my God.

- I kept these 'cause I thought
they were kind of funny.

- Well, when you say it
like that, it sounds stupid.

- Then how the hell
would you say it?

- An umbrella for all.

- Mm, still sound dumb.

- Look here, it don't even
rain like that here in Phoenix.

- But when it do, baby...

- Come on, y'all.

- Oh, my God.

- Well, I hope y'all
enjoy getting all wet.

- It's not raining.

- But when it do rain...

- Y'all still gonna get all wet.

Somehow in some way,
y'all getting wet.

I promise you that.

Man, how about $1 million?

- I'm not gonna lie.

When I see a bunch of niggas,
like, posed up together

at, like, some Jay-Z
party, I be like,

"This is some bullshit.

"I hope it rain

at that fucking
Roc Nation brunch."

I mean, I live in the same city.

Them niggas could've called me.

And it'll be new famous
niggas every year.

I'm just like, "Hello,
I'm on television."

It's gonna be a party.
It's gonna be good.

Security's airtight for this.
We pulled out all the stops.

Uh, there's a brown paper
bag at the front desk,

and if you're lighter
than that bag,

you cannot get in this party.

I don't care who you are, okay?

You're not getting in
unless you're Black.

Oh, no, no, no. Chill, chill.
She's good, she's good.

Don't worry about that.

Tripping. No, we just
want to make sure

everybody here is Black.

We're expecting a ton
of Black celebrities,

the hottest of the hot.

It's not just anybody
off the street.

It's more about how
recognizable you already are

so that we can recognize you

in the group picture.

This'll be a good party, though.

What the fuck?

Hey, could y'all give me
just one second, please?

- I know what you're
gonna say, but...

- What the fuck is going on?
- It's only 3:00.

- Where are all the celebrities?

- Well, it's just that
everyone's so busy.

Chris Rock sent an Edible
Arrangement for you.

Kountry Wayne is on tour.

We did hear back from Issa Rae.

- Great, where is she?

- She said she never met you,

but we have the omelet
station, all the toppings.

It's bustling.

- Well, who the fuck is that?

- That is Charlamagne
Tha God's assistant,

and that's his second omelet.

You could say it's a hit.

- Yo, I'm out.
- See you.

- All right.
- All right, word.

- Sam Jay, what's up?
- Hey, bro, what's good?

Oh, what's up with
your hair, bro?

- What, you like it?

I'm just trying
something different,

you know what I mean?
- No. It's weird.

- You like the suit,
though? It's mauve.

- Looks more like fuchsia.

Anyway, dog, I gotta get
up out of here, all right?

- What you talking about?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Party just started. It's 3:00.

- Yeah, man, I got shit to do.

I left a bottle of
champagne in my freezer.

I don't want it to, you
know, like, blow up.

I gotta water my cat. Plus,
I gotta call my grandma.

So I'ma be out, all right?

- Well, have you tried
the omelet bar, though?

That shit is fire. It's crazy.
- Yeah, no.

I'm good on that, bro,

but holler at me when
whatever this is is done.

- All right, I catch up
with you later, then.

She... she'll be
back. It's all good.

- Che, hey, this party lit, man.

You know how to throw a party.

Cheers to you, man.

- It's early.

Hey, white women, stop calling
Black women your spirit animal.

That shit sounds fucked up.

Some fucking lady,
"She's my spirit animal."

That's one step from monkey.

- Okay, so I'm at work,

and this "raisin in the
potato salad"-ass bitch

thinks that this
place belongs to her.

- Are you filming? Are
you kidding me right now?

Okay, you know what?
I'm filming you.

I am filming you.
You're on camera.

Hi.
- Hi.

I'm filming you too, bitch.
- What?

- Matter of fact...
- What the...

- Thank you. Now two phones.

- Okay, okay.
All right, skank.

You know what? I
got a light on you.

- Light?

Ho, I got you miked.
- What the... no.

Okay, I got a sign
language interpreter, slut.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay, you unseasoned
chicken breast bitch.

- Sorry, can we hold for sound?

I think there's a siren.
- Oh, yeah.

- Oh.

- Can I just pay for this?

Sorry.
- You know what?

Can you just...
Can you just, like,

stand a little bit over...

Yeah, the light's so
much better there, yeah.

- Is this my new mark?
- That is so much better.

Thanks.
- Okay, cool.

- You look great, by the way.
- Girl, you look crazy as hell.

- Okay, we're good.

- Hmm? Okay.

Okay.

You know
what? I've got you...

- Actually, I
think it's my turn.

- Oh, my God,
sorry. Right, right.

Wait, so then...
- I told you it was stealing

if you eat the grapes
without buying them first,

and then you called me...

- A nigga, right.
- Right.

- Totally. Okay, thank you.

This is, like, my third
meltdown of the day.

It's just kind of hard to keep
track sometimes, you know.

- Oh, no problem.
Yeah, it's fine.

- Thanks. Okay, you can go.

I've got two phones
on you, bitch.

- We're trying to
curb the amount

of N-words used in this show.

HBO Max gave us a 450

"nigga" per episode budget,

and we are dangerously close

to doubling that.

I don't know why that word
just is so easy to use.

It's possibly white
people's greatest invention.

Still early.

Who knows? Maybe
Chappelle might show up.

- Hey, young brother.

I know you don't know
me, but my name is Rallo,

and I want to thank you.

- Thank me? For what?

- For putting this
brunch together.

I never in my life been
invited to a party like this.

I been doing it for a
long time, 28 years,

and I thought about quitting.

I thought about getting a job,

moving back to my mama house,

but, dude, now who knows, man?

This is great.

I could get a big
break thanks to you.

- 28 years, huh?
- Yeah, 28 years.

How long you been
practicing voodoo?

- Voodoo?

- Isn't this a party
for black magic?

- No, it's a party
for Black celebrities.

- Celebrities?

I don't see no damn
celebrities here.

Is this a voodoo mind trick?

- No, we invited a bunch,

but it's still early, okay?
- Hey.

- Colin, what the fuck
are you doing here?

And why are you dressed
like you're selling popcorn?

- Just my Sunday finest
for your big brunch.

- Colin, this is a grown
and sexy networking event

for the deeply melanated.

- And voodoo.
- It's not for voodoo.

- I just... you know, I wanted
to support you, your big day.

- This is for Black people only.

You didn't see the
brown paper bag?

- I thought that
was for cell phones.

Am I gonna get my
cell phone back?

- Get out of here.
You should go.

- Why, is it over?
- No, it's not over.

- Then where is everybody?

- Black people come
to things late, okay?

- Wow, yet when I say it...

Ooh, omelet bar. That's fun.

Think they do vegan eggs?

- Get the fuck out of here, man!

- Okay, all right.
That's fine.

I'll go to Ziwe's party.
- Ziwe?

- Yeah, Ziwe. She's
on that show "Ziwe."

- Yeah, I know who Ziwe is.
- Yeah, she's having a party

at the good hotel
across the street.

- Right now?
- Uh, yeah.

- Rallo.
- Hmm.

- We've got voodoo to do-do.

What do you think you would
do if you wasn't a comedian?

- Me?
- Yeah.

- I was building
robots before this.

I was working at...

- Come on, Wil. Tell
the truth, nigga.

For real? You think
you would be...

- I was working at
International Robotics.

You know the robot
in "Rocky III"?

When what's his name
had the birthday

and the robot came out?

That's my robot I worked on.

- What?
- I'm old as shit.

- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

No, no, don't fucking
clap. It's not true.

It can't possibly be true.

You made the robot
in "Rocky III"?

- I worked on it.

- What do you mean
you worked on it?

- His name is Sisco. I
worked on that robot.

- Sis... you named
a robot Sisco?

All right, now I'm starting
to believe you a little bit.

- What?

- Sam, you hear me.
- What?

- Students, settle
down. Settle down.

Guys, settle down.

Today is very special.

To celebrate the completion

of your first year
of STEM classes,

we have an actual astronaut
here to talk to you.

Mr. Melvin was deputy commander

of a 2018 expedition
aboard the "Web Falcon."

Please welcome Mr. Brandon
Melvin from NASA.

- Thank you for having me.

Uh, you guys must
have an interest

in the great beyond,
so let's blast off

into space exploration.

- We'll save all
questions for the end.

- Oh, it's fine, it's
fine. They're excited.

Go ahead.
- You really from NASA?

- I am, that's right.
- Whoa, you gotta like that.

- How you even do that?

- Uh, you just have to
focus and apply yourself.

I'm actually from
this neighborhood,

just like you guys, so
as long as you persevere,

uh, continue on
with your studies,

maybe you, too, can one
day make it into space.

- I'm not gonna lie.
That's kind of tight.

- Yeah, my moms would go crazy
if I was a damn spaceman.

- Yeah, facts. Your family
must be proud as hell.

- Well, my mother is
always bragging about me.

- I bet your wife
hates it, though,

that you're gone all the time.

- Uh, I actually, uh, don't
have to worry about that, so...

- What you mean?
- I'm not married.

- For real?

- Yeah, why not? I
mean, you mad old.

- Um, I just never had the time

to, uh, pursue
romantic relationships.

You know, focusing on my
career, getting into space.

- Yeah, yeah, but why?

- Yeah, is it worth it?
- Worth it...

- Yeah, like, is it
fun for you, you know,

to come back home from
space to an empty house?

- Apartment, actually.
It's not empty.

Um, I have a roommate. I
used to have a dog, so...

- Oh, that's kind
of cute, actually.

Yeah.
- Hey, so you're in space

and your shuttle malfunctions.

Who NASA gonna call?

- They gonna call your...
- Dead dog.

- Or roommate.

- Hold on.
- Guys, please.

Let's just stick
to space questions.

- How much space do you have

in your apartment if
you have a roommate?

- Oh, my God.
- Yo, are you happy?

- What? Huh?
- You got any friends?

- You think you
wasted your life?

- Don't cry. They just
trying to make you cry.

- What?
- Did you ever have friends?

- Keisha.
- Yo, you got money?

Yo, they make you
dress like that?

- Is it too late for
you to change careers?

- Yo, just tell me you happy.
- Uh-huh, leave him alone.

He's gonna cry, y'all, look.

- I'm not even close to crying.
- Ew, don't yell at me.

I was trying to be on
your side, crybaby ass.

- Ooh, thank God
you ain't got kids.

See, I would hate if my
daddy sucked as much as you.

- What's your daddy
do, little girl?

- Uh, small forward
for the Nets.

- Yeah, he be balling.
- And his dog is still alive.

Like, yo.
- I bet your dog killed himself

so he wouldn't have to
live with a lame nigga.

- Lame nigga!

- What?
- Lame.

- Fuck you.

Yo, fuck you.
- Oh, shit, he mad. Watch out.

- You little pieces of shit
think you better than me?

You can't go to
school by yourself.

I've been to space.
- Nigga, we Googled you.

You just went up and came back.
What is you talking about?

- This bitch-ass nigga
ain't even been to the moon.

- But I broke the
stratosphere, though,

so how you sound? Where
you been, little nigga?

You ain't never been
nowhere, and I get mad pussy.

My dick stay wet. Fuck
is you talking about?

Get the fuck out of here.

- Bet you're seeing
stars now, nigga.

- I've been to space.

- I'm, like, past my brunch age.

Like, now I'm at an age where

I don't know none
of these new niggas.

I don't want to be
next to Lil Baby or...

Hey, Lil Baby, what do you sing?

I don't want to go.

I want to be
invited and be like,

"Man, I ain't
going to this shit.

"Look, Jay-Z on my dick,

trying to get me to
go to this brunch."

- It's crowded in here.
- Yeah, I love it.

- Feels like Astroworld.

- We need to do
something together soon.

- Yes.

- Maybe, like, some type of
thespian kind of, uh, work.

- Oh, I'm straight.
- You're straight?

- Now, this is a
celebrity party.

Is that Bubba Wallace?

- Obama.

Michael "Chi," right?

- Yeah, that's right, Ziwe.

Damn it, I should've
said "Ziwi."

- I'm so glad you could
make it to the party.

Thank you for coming.

- Well, actually, I always
come here to eat brunch

and, uh, get drunk
in the morning time.

- By yourself?
- No.

I came with my
best friend, Rallo.

- Y'all want to see
some black magic?

Pick a card.

Now remember,

if you pick the wrong card,

I get to keep your soul.

- I'm out.

- Well, everyone's welcome.

I'm so glad you brought him.

Congratulations on
your show, by the way.

Um, when does it come out?
- It's already out.

It came out before yours,
and I think you know that.

- Exciting.

Well, I'm sure you
know everyone here,

so just let me know if
you have any questions.

- Oh, I have a
question, actually.

Uh, where's your omelet station?

- What?
- Omelet station.

I mean, this is a
fucking brunch, right?

- That's not really the vibe,
but there's an open bar.

- Well, I'm plenty drunk,
Ziwe. Thanks for asking.

But what I'd really like

is a six-egg omelet
with all the toppings.

- We don't have that here.
- Aw, you don't?

- No, I don't, Michael "Chi."

- Well, I have one at my
brunch across the street

that you wasn't invited to.

- Yo, Z, you good?

- I'm fine, Charlamagne,
but maybe you should go.

- Yeah, maybe we
should go, Charlamagne.

- No, maybe you should go.

- Hey, guys, if anybody
here wants a six-egg omelet

with all the toppings...
I'm talking red peppers,

green peppers,

sausage, chorizo,

onion, green onion,

carrots,

celery, mushroom, bacon,

feta cheese,

goat cheese, Swiss cheese,

cottage cheese...
- That's a lot of dairy.

- Olives, cabbage,
tomatoes, cukes,

broccoli, and cilantro...

Don't bother asking.

They don't have that here.

Surprise, surprise.

- That's Michael
Che. You know him?

- I've, uh... I've met him.

- Come on, guys.

We're going to my party.

It's right across
the street, come on.

- Hey, you want me to put
a curse on him for you?

Like, make his
foreskin grow back?

- Mm.

- Yup, I get to keep your soul.