That Damn Michael Che (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Episode #2.2 - full transcript
- This is one of my favorite
anti-capitalist works.
- Wow.
- How do you not have any ID?
- Hey, man. I lost
it. Shit happens.
- How do you fly?
What do you...
- I don't go nowhere.
- Wow.
These mushrooms
are fucking me up.
- Word.
Am I tripping, or is
this flower moving?
- That's a pussy.
- For real?
- Yeah.
You just gotta look real
close, like a Magic Eye.
Get your nose in
there. You see it?
I think you see it.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
I just, um, saw something.
- Oh, that's your ex, Grace.
Damn, she bad as shit.
Y'all still talk?
- I mean, we text.
Well, I text.
She doesn't text back, but I
think we're still together.
- Yo, who is she with?
- I don't know,
one of her bougie-ass
art friends.
God, please don't let
him come over here.
- You should go over there.
- You think so?
- Yes.
You know she still love you.
Why would she still
have the same number?
- That's a good point.
She's probably waiting
for me to come over there.
Mm-hmm. It's the universe.
This is supposed to happen.
- I'll go talk to her.
- Do your thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right, thanks.
- Yo. Yo, put me on her friend.
- Oh, I got you. I got you.
- And tell her...
Tell her I got a nice apartment
with a bidet and a doorman.
- All right.
- You can just feel the weight
of the middle-class.
- Mm-hmm.
- I mean...
- Well, well, well.
- Fuck.
- You don't call;
you don't write.
- Michael, this is Candice.
- Oh, that Michael?
- What's up, Candy girl?
- It's just Candice.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Maybe I should give
you two a moment.
- The fuck's her problem?
- What are you
doing here, Michael?
- I don't know. Just wanted
to take in some culture.
- Weird. Whenever I asked you
to take me places like this,
you always made fun of me.
Well, that's because
I knew it would suck.
But Reggie is into Hentai now,
so I figured I'd inspire him.
- So you came here with Reggie?
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Well, we'll
catch up some other time.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, where you goin'?
- Somewhere else.
- But can we talk? We
don't talk anymore.
You don't answer
any of my texts.
- Now is not a good time.
- All right.
Well, let's do it
some other time.
Let's get dinner or something.
Let's get some drinks.
- That's not a good idea either.
- What?
You seeing somebody?
- Actually, yes.
- Who? He bigger than me?
No, I'm just playing.
Is he, though?
- Michael, I have to go.
- Come on.
Come on. Come on. Just
tell me who you're datin'.
- I have to go, Michael.
- Baby, you ready?
- Yeah. I think so.
- Get the fuck outta here.
This is my girlfriend, Candice.
- Are you serious?
- This is marvelous.
Marvelous. Bravo.
Bravo. Hey, Grace.
- What's up, Reggie?
- Hey, they charging $80,000
for those pussy
paintings over there.
- Oh, my God.
- Michael, now, why you
turn that poor girl gay?
- I didn't turn her gay, Ma.
She was always gay, I think.
- Oh, my God. I just remember,
she was over to the
house that time,
and my bras were
soaking in the sink.
- So. What does that mean?
- I'm just sayin',
you know, we have
to be more careful
when we have people over.
- She did look really happy.
Hey, Ma, you think
I'll ever be happy?
- Oh, honey. Yeah.
You're gonna find the right
girl that could deal with you.
- Deal with me?
- You know what?
I got Grubhub on
the other line and,
um, I'm gonna have to
call you back, okay?
- No, wait. What do
you mean deal with me,
like, I'm difficult?
- You know what?
Tell Grace that
I'm praying for her
and that she's gonna get better.
Okay, honey?
- She's not dying, Ma.
She's just gay.
- I love you too.
- Ma.
-
- Yeah. Oh, um,
yeah, representative.
-
- Representative.
-
- Representato.
Siri, how you say
"representative" in Spanish?
For a long time I
thought, you know,
you don't need
people to have sex.
And I was right
for a little while.
Now I miss it.
I miss all of the sex
I complained about.
You ever get a bad blow
job from a nice lady.
Oh, that's some hard
shit to fucking tell.
You gotta give her
the tap, like, uh...
I really appreciate
the effort, but, um...
I think I'm gonna finish
watching "Seinfeld."
- Welcome, Yamaneika.
I'm Dr. Dig Guts.
Are you ready to have
the time of your life?
- Absolutely.
My friend came here last week,
and she said you guys
worked her body over.
- We pride ourselves
on our full-service.
- Oh, well, I need
it. My back is a mess,
and my husband is
getting on damn nerves.
- Well, this is the
closest you can get
to cheating on your man.
- Oh, I like that.
- When you responded
to our Instagram post,
you said you'd be willing to
work with one of our trainees.
They are fantastic.
I just wanna make sure
that's still all right.
- Yeah.
No, I know they
trainees and all that,
but I still want somebody
that look good, you know,
'cause...
- This is Artemis Sincere.
- This is one of your trainees?
- Yes. He's just
finished a session
and shouldn't be in here.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, boss.
I don't know where the
cleaning supplies are.
Cleaning materials
are in the closet.
- Thanks, boss.
- Now, you are aware that
this is an erotic spa.
There may be some
mounting today.
- Oh, I can handle the mounting.
- Oh, I love to hear that.
- Oh, I can't stand this...
- Your masseuse
will be here shortly. He...
- Yeah.
- Cops gonna cut me off
and then give me a ticket.
Where am I supposed
to get $143 from?
A'ight. I'll call you back.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hey, Dr. Guts.
I'm sorry I'm late, you know.
I had to get lunch. My bad.
- What is on your shirt?
- I had a hot dog.
- Wait, who is this?
- Oh, he will...
He'll be your
masseuse for today.
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, look at him.
Absolutely not.
Where's the cute guy?
- Trust me.
Regular Reggie has some of the
best hands in the business.
I will try to stay
out of everything
so I don't stop Reggie's flow.
- I got you.
- All right.
Fine. I guess it's free.
Let's go.
- I know.
Let's get this robe off
and turn off these lights.
Yamaneika.
What, you from Harlem?
- Reggie.
Use the voice.
- Grand rising, you from Harlem?
- Are you gonna mount me?
- Now, you know I can't
get up on this table.
It's already at its limit.
- Reggie.
Remember what we
talked about last week?
- Yes, instructor, no being
honest with fat bitches.
- Who you calling a fat bitch?
- Shh.
I'm a fat nigga that
loves fat bitches.
- Reggie.
- Sometimes.
- Flip her over.
And don't forget the shoulders.
- Oh, here we go.
- Oh, shit.
- I know. I know.
- That oil is so cold.
- Oh, yeah, there we go.
I know. I know.
There we go.
Stick it.
- What are you, typing?
I'm typing a sexy-ass
book on your back.
This book about to make
me bust on your back.
- Nope. That's enough.
Mm-mm. I'm out.
I'm tired of this. Free
or no free, I'm out.
Get off me.
- Come here.
Let Regular Reggie
take care of you.
- Why can't we do that, huh?
He literally has his
tongue licking her back.
- Don't worry. I'll
stick my finger
in your butt at the end.
- What?
- Yeah. I got you.
I need to... oh.
I got a parking ticket
I need to pay, okay?
- I was told this is free.
- But you're gonna
tip me, right?
- Reggie.
- All right, fine.
But if you don't start doing
something to turn me on,
I'm out.
- I know. I know.
Get back up here.
Let me do my work.
I know exactly what to do.
- Ahh!
- Ahhh!
- Fuck!
- Ahh. Ohh.
- Are you okay?
- Huh? I think...
- Yeah.
- I think...
- Yeah.
- He fixed my back.
- Reggie.
You just released ten
years of pain from my body.
Thank you.
You still want me to pop
my thumb in your butt?
- Cheating is not good.
I've... I've...
I've cheated before,
and I've been cheated on.
And I'd much rather
do the cheating.
Now, I know you guys
are all wondering
why I called you here.
It's because I think I
need an intervention.
- Finally. I been
told you that.
- Not for drinking, Kara.
I need an intervention
for dating.
- What?
- Well, I've dated all of you
in the past couple years, and...
All: What?
- And I'm realizing you didn't
all know that, which means
I'm pretty good at what I do.
But the point is, it
always ended bad, right?
And I just wanna know
what's wrong with me.
- You drink too much.
- I meant as far
as dating, Kara.
I think you know that.
- Wait, why am I here?
We never dated.
- Yes, we did.
- No, we didn't.
- Oh, yeah, we did.
- We went out for
drinks one time,
then you tried to get me
to go to your apartment.
I told you I don't do that, and
I never heard from you again.
- Right. You've been ghosted.
- Hold... hold up.
Is this the real reason why
you called me over here?
You text you might have cancer.
- Yeah, me too.
- What's up?
- Well, I've said I
might have cancer,
because I knew you
guys wouldn't show up
unless it was something serious.
- What?
- Michael.
So you don't really have cancer?
- I might.
I mean, we all might, right?
- Oh, my God.
- This isn't funny.
- Really?
- I brought my nursing
bag for nothing.
- You're sick.
- Michael, is this
locked from the outside?
- Well, yeah, because
I thought you guys
would try to leave once you
found out I didn't have cancer.
- Something is seriously
wrong with you.
- I know. That's my point.
I-I need your help.
Look, guys, I'm tired
of being the bad part
in every relationship, okay?
I just want one that works.
Help me. Fix me.
- You think it's
our job to help you?
- I'm out of options.
Please, I'm begging you.
Tell me what's wrong with me.
Kara, are you gonna tell
me I drink too much?
What is it?
- You getting fat.
- Yeah, that's right.
Scale don't lie.
Who do you think cheats
more, men or women?
- I think everybody cheats.
Like, everybody poops.
It feels good.
It's different when women cheat.
I don't think
women should cheat.
But I think men...
- Wow.
It's 'cause it
hurts our feelings.
You know before we
met he'd never seen
"Lion King" on Broadway.
- You're kidding.
- That is true,
but we love that show.
But we love Africa.
- Wow.
- We really do.
- Yeah.
- And what I love about
"The Lion King" so much
on Broadway is its authenticity.
The costumes are authentic.
The soil is authentic.
The wood is authentic.
Have you ever heard
of kente cloth?
- Yeah, I've heard of it.
- What I like about it is,
each pattern tells a story.
- Wow.
- And the costumes
that we saw in Africa
were just unbelievable.
- The people there
call them clothes.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wow.
- Hey! When we gonna fuck?
- Excuse me?
This is... this is
a sex party, right?
- Well...
- Okay.
It's my first...
I'm just, you know,
this is a swinger soiree.
When do you all start fucking?
- Unbelievable, pal.
Look, I don't know
who invited you,
but that's not really
how things work.
- Well, I don't really feel
like shit working around here
the way it's supposed to
work. No... and no, Mitch,
you shut up, because
you're the one
that told me if the Giants
won I could fuck your wife.
- You said he could what?
- No. No.
He said if the
Giants won the game,
"I'm gonna fuck your wife."
And I was, like, "Yeah, sure."
And it was clearly a joke.
- Well, I think
somebody made a mistake.
- Well, I think somebody's
gonna get this dick.
- Ugh.
- Come on, man.
You gotta calm down.
Everybody is tense.
Can you feel that?
And you've been here an
hour; you haven't even
taken off your jacket.
- Yeah, 'cause I'm
naked under here.
You ever seen a butcher shop?
It's just meat
hangin' everywhere.
- Wow.
- All right.
- Maybe you should just leave.
- That's what you all want?
- Yeah.
- I can't believe I spent
all this time and money.
- Is that a camcorder?
- Yes.
I spent $1,500 in Best
Buy coupons on this.
- How... how do you
two know each other?
- We work together.
- No.
He... he delivers bagels to
my office in the mornings.
- And coffee. Don't
play with me, Mitch.
- Is that a microphone?
- It is.
- Did anyone give
consent for this?
- No.
- No.
- You try to do something
nice for people.
You know, we could have put
this on YouTube, Pornhub.
We could have made
some money together.
- Buster, you're sick.
- You thought we were gonna
fuck in the dining room?
- Or the living room.
- Disgusting.
- It don't matter now, though.
Because y'all been in
here acting scared.
This some bull.
Hey, y'all, let's fuck.
Now that's what
I'm talking about.
Somebody's finally
making some sense.
- Who said that?
- Nobody said that.
I knew it.
- Is that a Talkboy?
- What is this, "Home Alone 2"?
- You just gotta go, please?
- Yeah.
What did you think
was gonna happen,
you were gonna waltz in
here and just fuck his wife?
- Nah, I was gonna come in,
introduce myself, eat, and then
fuck his wife to be honest.
- I'm sorry, everyone.
He... he was cool at the office.
I-I-I thought we had a vibe.
I didn't know he'd be so weird.
- I'm weird?
Who the fuck talks about
Simba and the circle of life
before they pull their dick out?
- Scram, pal.
- A'ight. Bet. Say less.
Don't worry about it.
You ain't never gotta worry
about seeing me again.
- That's my hat.
- Well, it's my hat now.
- If I have an exception and
she answers when I text her,
I don't... I don't
got that much respect.
But if you make me work for it,
somethin' about
that is charming.
Is that a... I guess that's,
like, a toxic behavior.
Am I alone in that?
Sometimes... yeah,
I've got to... look,
like I said, sometimes they
do, sometimes they don't.
And when they don't...
I know she's the
one.
- So you're still upset?
- I was never upset.
I just don't understand
why you wouldn't mention
that your ex was Michael Che.
- Why would that matter?
- Well, he's a famous comedian.
- Barely.
- That's not the point, Grace.
- Okay.
I'm sorry I didn't go into
details with you about my ex.
I'm just so over it.
And I don't enjoy
talking about him.
Plus, I didn't know how
you were gonna take it.
- Okay.
I get that.
- Dang, this train
is talking forever.
- Yeah.
I guess you're used to
taking limousines everywhere.
- Babe, stop.
- But seriously,
I want you to know that
you can tell me anything
regardless of how you
think I'll take it.
I like knowing more about you.
- Baby, that means
so much to me.
Thank you.
I guess I'm just
not used to that.
Can you believe they paid that
much money for that painting?
God.
- Yes, it was a pussy.
You right, a pussy
is always worth it.
- Always.
- I want kids, but
I don't wanna...
I don't wanna have them.
You know, just hanging
out with a pregnant lady
for fuckin' six months;
that shit sounds awful.
It's... what? It's not fun.
Okay. Has anyone brought
their pregnant
friend here tonight?
Thank you. They're not fun.
- Okay.
This girl is on fire.
Ah! Nurse!
Nurse! Hey, I need a doctor!
I-I think I'm in labor.
- Ma'am, please calm down.
You'll have to wait your turn.
- But I'm having an emergency.
- Ma'am, please calm
down and wait your turn.
I'm with a patient.
- What?
- So you said it hurts
when you flex your finger?
- Yes. It hurts
when I go like this.
- Oh, well, nothing a little
Vicodin couldn't help.
- Are you serious?
I'm in active labor.
- There's no such
thing as active labor.
You're either in labor
or you're not in labor.
- Well, I'm in fuckin' labor.
I need a doctor right now.
- What on Earth is
all this racket?
- I am so sorry, Doctor.
- Doctor, I'm havin' a baby,
and I'm in a lot of pain.
- Okay, ma'am, first of all,
I'm gonna need you to calm down.
- What the fuck?
- Whoa! That's not calm.
That's the opposite of calm.
- All right.
Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for yelling.
I just... I would really,
really like some help right now.
- Thank you.
Now we're getting somewhere.
Now, tell us where
you've been shot.
- I'm not shot!
I'm having a fucking baby!
- Yeah, I can't take this.
Is there a baby
daddy I can talk to?
- A what?
- Your baby daddy.
You know who he is?
- My husband.
- You're yelling.
- Can I at least just get
something for the pain?
- So that's what this is about.
We're not just gonna
give you drugs.
- I need a doctor right now.
- What's going on?
- My purse is missing.
- Oh, my God!
- Why?
- Where did you last see it?
- I don't know.
Uh, I think I left
it right here.
- Uh, am I invisible right now?
- Shut up!
- No, no. She's right.
Ma'am, did you take
this lady's purse?
- Now you're accusing
me of stealing?
- Calm down. I didn't
say you took it.
I asked if you took it.
- I think it's
underneath her seat.
- I didn't take
her fucking purse!
- Good. Then you wouldn't mind
if we check your purse.
- Why would I put your
purse in my purse?
- That's what we'd like to know.
- Just so you know, we
have cameras everywhere.
- I told you! I didn't
take her fucking purse!
- Then what's that's
under your shirt?
- Fuck you!
- So anybody else?
- I'm hungry.
- Hmm.
- The wings will
be here any minute.
- You said that an hour ago.
- Kim, why don't you tell me
why you think our relationship
didn't work out?
- 'Cause you had a girlfriend.
- But what could I
have done differently?
- You could have told
me you had a girlfriend.
- That's right.
- All right. All right.
Now, what do you think you
could have done differently?
- Nigga, what did
you just say to me?
- Well, be honest.
- You know, when we broke up,
he tried to date my sister.
- Wow.
- Well, I didn't know.
- Yes, you did. Don't lie.
- You didn't let me finish.
I didn't know that
that mattered.
- Huh!
- Oh, you're disgusting.
- You dumped me on Juneteenth.
- Really?
- I didn't even know
that was a fucking
holiday until last year.
- Shame on you.
- I got one.
You always shit on
everything I like.
Yes!
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
I hated tellin' you
about anything I like,
because you make me
feel dumb for liking it.
- But don't you think
if something you like
is objectively bad, I should
make you feel a little dumb
so you don't like it anymore?
- It is not objectively
bad if I think it's good.
- Right.
- Oh, what the fuck you know?
You like K-pop.
- And?
- See? You're doing it again.
- She calls Harry Styles
R&B. That's fuckin' wrong!
- I mean, I don't even
know this man that well,
but it looks like
I dodged a bullet.
- Yep. Yep.
- You sure did.
- What?
- Fuck!
You asked us to help you.
- Okay. You're
right. You're right.
I'm sorry.
I will listen.
- I wanna be with somebody
that I can share something with
without being ridiculed.
- Or shut out. All: Yes.
- That's fair.
- That's right.
- And I guess that's the
only thing wrong with me.
- Boy, that is not that the
only thing wrong with you.
- Absolutely not.
- No.
You know what else I hate?
You never answer my texts.
But then when I'm with
you you're always lookin'
at your phone. All: Yes.
- And clearly you seen them.
- My friends are
famous comedians.
You think you're more
entertaining than,
say, Chris Rock or somebody?
- All right.
So you're just
gonna flip it on me?
- That's fucking crazy, Michael.
- And also, you like to use
my bathrobe as a bathmat,
and that's gross.
- Do you want my
feet to get cold?
- I got another one.
You fat, and you
always been mean.
Well, that just
feels like an insult.
- You snore. Loud.
And you know what? I'm
nervous that you're gonna
stop breathing in your sleep.
- 'Cause he fat.
Yes.
- Yes, that's it.
- All right!
I guess maybe I
could do a better job
of taking care of myself.
Thank you for that.
Seriously, all of you.
Like, this stuff is
not easy to hear,
but I think maybe
I need to hear it.
So I really appreciate
you guys helping me.
- Honestly, Michael.
I do think it's a good step
that you're finally listening.
All: Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
- Well, I guess I know what
I gotta do to get Grace back.
- Grace?
- Who the fuck is Grace?
- She's the only woman
I ever cared about.
- What?
- No, this nigga did not.
- You are so fucking fake.
- Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, my God.
- What's wrong?
- Michael has cancer.
- What?
- He just text me,
"I think I have cancer.
Please come now.
Don't bring Candice."
- Wow.
Well, you gotta
go. He needs you.
- But I'm over him.
I can't just...
- Babe, regardless of
how things turned out,
you two shared something.
You should go see him.
- Why are you so good to me?
- Go.
- All right.
I'm gonna catch that ten train.
- Yeah.
Hey, baby. I'm
actually free tonight.
- I think if I
woman gets married
she should throw away
all her sex toys.
- No.
- Well if I get married
I'm throwing away
my Pringles can.
- You said Pringles can?
- My Pringles can
stuffed with baloney.
Or should I keep it?
What are you telling me?
You giving me mixed
signals, guys.