That Damn Michael Che (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript
- Come on, let's go. Let's go.
- Hey, yo, fuck you, old man!
- What happened?
- I ain't getting involved.
- But you filming it.
Anybody call an ambulance?
- None
of my business.
- Wow. So y'all
just gonna sit there
and let this happen to this man.
- It's 'cause he's
Black, ain't it?
- It's not 'cause he's Black.
It's 'cause he's doo-doo.
- Man, what you say?
Who's got a loose kid
in the subway, man?
- Are you all right?
- I was just trying to get...
- Look-it, man, he
can't even talk.
He's delirious.
- Wait, don't I know
you? Michael Che?
- That's not the point.
This man needs help.
Y'all not doin' nothing.
What's wrong with y'all?
What about the cops?
Y'all not gonna do nothing?
- Save your energy, brother.
We gonna get you some
help, man, come on.
Unbelievable. This
is a human being.
This is a person!
Y'all just sitting
here doing nothing.
You all right, man?
- Did you see where they go?
- Nah, man. Don't
worry about them, man.
We've got you. Disgusting.
I'm ashamed of this
city, you know that?
- Them nasty, pussy-lickin',
devil dyke fruitcakes
had it coming!
- Yo!
Don't say that.
- Oh, you think it's funny?
- Nah, I think it's
crazy, not funny.
- You're the only
one who gets it, son.
- Oh, wow, Michael Che,
that's your father?
- I think you know
it's not my father.
Obviously, he's not my father.
- And what if he is my son?
I ain't gay. I can make kids.
- I think he hit his head.
It's not... it's not my father.
- God made Adam and Eve,
not Eve and Eve and
double-sided dildos!
- Hey!
Whoa, that's not... Whoa, hey!
- Do better, Michael Che.
- Don't say my name.
- Yo, you need to take
your nasty-ass dad home.
- This is not my
father, all right?
- Sound like your father.
- It look like him, too.
- I love you, son.
- No, all right.
- We here together!
- That's definitely your daddy.
He lyin'.
- I'm out of here, man.
- Oh, you just gonna leave
your dad in the subway?
- Tell your mother
I said hello, son!
- Part of me likes the idea
that you can be canceled.
It lets me know that
there's a danger element
to stand-up comedy.
There should be a danger...
Or everybody else
would fucking do it.
Like, why would you want to
do anything else but this...
unless you could
lose everything?
- Why you dressed like that?
- I told you... I'm doing a
"Vampire in Brooklyn" reboot,
but this time it's in Queens.
Ah, Netflix is paying me.
Yo, can you believe
people saying this
crazy dude is my father?
People will believe
anything nowadays, man.
- Yeah, but this is
really, really bad, Che.
- Ah, it'll blow over.
- I don't think so,
man, not this time.
- Kenan, you're being dramatic.
- Che, they are going to scrap
the "Vampire in
Brooklyn" reboot, man.
- Why, 'cause it's bad?
- No.
HBO, Netflix, Amazon, Tubi...
Nobody is gonna want
to come near you
after this crazy
shit with your dad.
- He's not my dad.
Besides, I get in trouble
like this all the time.
- But this is the pipe that
broke the camel's back.
- You mean the straw.
- Whatever.
My point is, if you
don't fix this...
you gonna be excommunicado.
- "Excommunicado"?
That's a myth, okay?
Besides, I'll just do stand-up.
- Che, you got one hour
before this story goes
global, and then after that...
- After that, what?
- You gonna have to move
to Austin and start
slingin' right-wing jokes.
- Kenan, any moment,
somebody's gonna come out in
my defense and support me.
- Well, so far, it's only been
Ben Shapiro, Candace Owens,
and Kwame Brown.
- Goddamn, that's
the worst three.
Look, I-I can make
this right, okay?
I-I can fix things.
Just tell me what to do.
- You need to apologize.
- Get the fuck out of here.
I ain't apologizing
for no bullshit, man.
What the fuck's wrong with you?
- Che, I love you.
But I guess you not gonna learn
until you can see for
yourself where this road ends.
- What road? What are
you talking about?
- I'm talking about every person
that you ever thought
was your friend
is about to try to
kill you in the press
just to save they own
image, myself included.
But here, take this with you.
- What the fuck is it?
- Take it to the Cellar.
Atell will know what to do.
But get the fuck
away from me, man,
and lose my number.
- You serious?
- Yeah, go ahead.
Don't let your mama see
you with that wig on.
She got heart problems.
- I'm gonna attempt to get
myself canceled tonight.
Have I ever had
a pregnancy scare
and prayed that
she lost the baby?
Good God.
That is fucking hilarious.
I can't say no.
You don't have to pray
to get rid of a baby.
There's a place you can go.
- Howdy, y'all. I'm
Sensei Arthur, and this...
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Is Arthur's Abortion Dojo.
- Thanks, Arthur.
- Business was pretty
rough after COVID.
Hell, it was rough before COVID.
But one day, this little
pregnant white woman
came up in here, and she say
that the great state of
Texas outlawed abortions.
And I say, "What that
got to do with me?"
And she say, "Kick me."
Hyah, hyah, hyah, hyah, hy...
Now I'm selling karate
kicks at 40 bucks a pop.
And business is booming!
- I do not have time for a baby.
- Hyah!
Problem solved.
All these women... preggo,
preggo, preggo, preggo.
But in the end, it's all ragù.
Hyah!
- You'll be all right.
It's time we fight back
against abortion laws.
Yah!
- Um, do you acknowledge
Sensei Arthur's procedure
is unsafe and illegal?
- I really wish it hadn't
come to this, but sure.
- Hopefully the Supreme Court...
- Ah, ah, step aside.
Don't nobody want
to hear that shit.
This one here, I
call "Baby on Board."
Hold this here. Uh-huh.
Little higher, little closer.
That's it. Right there.
Ah! Hyah! Hyah!
Okay.
- So if you're a woman in Texas
and you have an
unwanted pregnancy...
- Or you just missed
a period, remember...
- When it comes
to abortion laws,
you don't have to just
lie down and take it.
- That's how you got
pregnant in the first place.
- Arthur!
- What?
Hyah!
- God made Adam and Eve,
not Eve and Eve and
double-sided dildos!
- Oh!
- Surprise, surprise.
Michael Che, hate crime.
- Let's get it trending.
He's excommunicado.
- That's him.
- Is that Michael Che?
- He's excommunicado.
- He's excommunicado.
- He's excommunicado.
- He's excommunicado.
- He's excommunicado.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, yeah.
Let me get a hot dog.
- You got it.
- Yeah. Little
mustard on there.
- On the
house, Mr. Che.
- You nasty motherfucker.
- The disguise
ain't working, man!
- I never been to prison, man.
You can't jerk off
in jail, right?
It's rude. You're in...
What, if I jerk off and they
see it, what, are they gonna...
What, are they gonna like me?
That is some fuckin' dude logic.
"Man, I can't jerk off in
here. Niggas gonna like me."
"If I start jerking off,
I'ma make too many friends!"
I'll be in the lunch line.
"Hey, man, keep doing
your thing, bro."
"You don't know me, but
keep doing your thing, man.
You're getting
me through this."
- Y'all have a seat.
- Listen up. My
name is Kool-Aid.
And I'm here to let y'all know
that prison ain't no joke.
I was just like you...
Stealing car radios, joyriding,
disrespecting my mother,
drinking wine all
times of night,
running fast, acting
like a knucklehead.
20 years plus in this spot.
I wish I could go home,
take a shower alone,
take a shit alone,
maybe jack off alone.
- Oh, you think this
shit is funny, yo?
What's your name, little bitch?
- Latrell.
- I like "little bitch" better.
You think it's funny
to be bad in school?
- I don't go to school.
- Uh-huh.
I used to be just like you, man.
You want to end up
in prison like me?
- No.
- You damn right you don't,
'cause you couldn't survive
three minutes in here.
What you in here for, man?
Stealing a bike
or some bullshit?
- What?
- You ain't eat your vegetables?
- What?
- Why you in here?
- I shot a nigga.
- Kids, you hear this?
Guns are not a toy.
You'll end up making a
mistake just like this kid.
- I ain't make no mistake.
I caught a nigga lackin'
on the wrong side of town,
so I dumped on him.
- Wait, whoa, what?
- Yeah.
- He really shoot a nigga?
- Yes, he did.
- All right, well, um,
you know, I could tell
you've been having a pretty
bad year, young fella,
so I ain't gonna
pick on you no more.
Latrell, right? That's...
that's your name?
All right, well, that's...
That's a very good
name, by the way.
I like that name a lot.
So who else in here can
I knock some sense into?
How about you, little
bitch? Why you in here?
- Shot a nigga.
- You're, like, 12 years old.
- So?
- So where'd you get the gun?
- I don't know.
They everywhere.
Hey, man, um, w-what's the
deal with these little psychos?
- I told you. They're
at-risk youth.
- No, I
was an at-risk youth.
These little niggas
are monsters.
They should be in
prison, not me.
- Come on, man, you
were just like them.
- No, I wasn't.
I was a good kid.
I'm in here 'cause I
whistled at a white woman.
- That's illegal?
- I also had weed on me,
which is legal now, by the way.
- Look, Kool-Aid, you're
doing great, all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
- You might not get
through to everybody,
but some of them are
really responding.
Come on, you got this.
- All right.
Okay, um, everybody,
show of hands...
How many of y'all in here
because you shot somebody?
Even the little white
kid? Who'd you shoot?
- Walmart.
- Walmart, as in
the whole store?
- That's lit.
- Okay, look.
I'ma be completely
honest with y'all.
W-when you get to prison,
you gonna need, like,
a old, cool dude like myself.
Uh, my name is Kool-Aid.
That's my nickname 'cause
I make a mean Kool-Aid.
My real name is, uh, Thaddeus,
Thaddeus Jenkins III.
Phew. I-I poop
quietly, all right?
I also, uh, shower very quietly.
And, uh, you guys
won't even know
when I jack off.
Hey, man, can you get
me back to my cell
and away from
these little fucks?
- Y'all want to
hear a sports joke?
Ready?
Ben Simmons.
It's pretty good, right?
- What's up, Atell?
- What are you doing here?
- Here to do a set.
- Nope.
You are excommunicado.
- Oh, come on, man.
I still got a few minutes.
- Nope.
- I need to be able to
clear my name, okay?
These people need
to hear my truth!
- There's nothing I can
do. You know the rules.
We have to honor
the excommunicado.
- Please?
Come on, man, ple...
All right, look,
Kenan... he told me
to give this to you.
- Okay.
There is a place.
But tell Kenan we're square now.
- All right.
- You better leave. Things
are about to get ugly.
- Hey!
Michael Che, you suck!
- Damn, already?
- Yeah, you suck!
- See?
- Let's boo this fat
fuck out of here.
- "Fat"?
- Quick, Che.
Do you have any money?
- Uh, shit.
This is all I got.
- Okay, good.
Perfect. Now go.
- What did I just pay you for?
- You suck!
- What the...
- Hurry, Che, there's no time!
Go! Run! Run, Che, run!
- Fuck you, Mike!
You ain't shit!
No one ever loved you,
and no one ever will, man!
Man, I hate that guy.
- I think Joe Rogan was my
favorite canceling of the year.
I'm afraid of
podcasts, honestly.
If I'm being truthful, it's
because you talk too much.
Joe Rogan has said
about 10,000 hours'
worth of shit.
Some of them words
is gonna be "nigga."
How could it not be?
He's said all the
words you could say.
- I'm sick of playing
games with you, Andre.
Just tell us who
killed Lil' Chris.
- Man, I don't know
what you talkin' about.
- We know you know who did it.
I want to see a lawyer.
- Look, Andre...
we're just looking for a little
bit of help with this one.
- Motherfucker, I'm a gangsta.
That means, in a
million years, nigga,
I won't motherfuckin' snitch.
So, if you gonna
arrest me, arrest me.
- Okay.
Okay.
It looks like we're gonna have
to do this the hard way, then.
- We'll get you to talk,
you Black motherfucker.
- Whoa. What was that?
- I'm sorry. You're
right. Absolutely right.
Sorry. Sorry.
- Okay.
- What are y'all doing?
- Just a little podcast.
- Yeah, you're not afraid of
a little podcast, are you?
- I don't really know all about
this podcasting shit, man.
- In three, two, one.
Welcome to "The
Street Talk Podcast,"
the podcast that lets you know
everything that's going
on in the streets.
Brought to you by MasterClass.
If you're gonna become
a master at anything,
take a class.
I'm Detective Thomas.
- And I'm Officer O'Brien.
- And folks, we've got
a very special guest
on the pod this week.
This man is a real
certified street legend.
- No, no, no.
- Please welcome to the pod...
Andre!
- No, no, no, my nigga.
- Yo, Andre, you are
certified on these
here mean streets
and you are very, very gangsta.
- So, Andre, tell us...
who killed Lil' Chris?
- I ain't no snitch, bro.
- That is good.
You know, and that's
why we love you.
You know what I mean?
'Cause you ain't no snitch.
But you know what? The
streets want to know.
Not me, not us,
the streets, bro.
- But you motherfuckers is cops.
- Please.
- Come on, now.
Would a cop do this?
- Yo. Hey, man, Jesus.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Look, don't think
of us as cops.
Blegh.
Think of us as podcasters.
- Yeah!
So tell us, who shot Lil' Chris?
- Isn't that still
snitching, though?
- It's not snitching if you
say it on a podcast, silly.
- Exactly!
- Oh.
Well, wow.
Wow, since you say
it like that, well,
my nigga Bill Bill shot
that nigga, you know?
- Oh!
Bill Bill shot Lil' Chris!
- That's a fact.
But... but... but I
ain't no snitch, though.
- Tell you what, the
streets are going wild
in the comments section.
- The... the comments?
- Let me read this one comment.
It says, "Thank you, Andre,
for keeping it so gangsta."
- Oh!
- So the streets is feelin' me,
that's what you saying then?
- They are loving you, big guy!
So let me ask ya, who
shot Peanut in 2017?
- Who did that?
- I knew your bitch
ass was gonna ask that.
You know what I mean?
- Come on, hit us with it.
- I'll tell y'all
bitch-ass niggas,
only because I fuck
with this podcast.
I fucks with this for real.
My nigga Earl shot
that nigga, dog.
Earl, who still lives
on Thompson and
Church to this day.
- Thompson and Church...
Write that down.
- Earl Coleman, nigga.
C-O-L-E-M-A-N.
- This is going viral, kids.
- Well, I tell you what, thank
you for clearing that up.
'Cause I'd heard on Clubhouse
that some guy named
Charles did it.
- Sleepy Charles?
- Oh, yeah, you know him?
- I ain't no snitch.
- No, come on.
- But...
- Come on!
For the streets!
- He shot that nigga, too!
- Ah!
Oh, give it up!
- You know how I do it.
- Give it up for Andre!
Letting the streets know!
- Best guest ever.
Come back
on this show anytime.
- My nigga, don't tell me that.
I'll come back on
this motherfucker.
I got mad wild stories
to tell you niggas, dog.
- What do you got
coming up next?
- Next week we're opening
up the illegal gambling spot
on 125th and Lenox.
- Okay, okay.
- The following week,
we doin' the drive-by
by Lincoln Projects.
And then me and Ralika,
you know, that's
my baby moms, man,
we going to the abortion
clinic, you know what I mean?
She's seven months
pregnant.
- And, hey, learn to
perform an abortion yourself
on MasterClass.
- You niggas invite
me back on the show,
I might let y'all know
who threw that girl
off the bridge.
Both: Whoa!
- You know that, too, huh?
- You'll have to bring
me back up to see.
- All right! And we are out!
- Well, I think we got him.
- Yeah, he'll be dead in a week.
- Oh, fuck.
- I think we all need, like,
Canceled Nigga Cheat Day.
Like, just one cheat day
where we could just
listen to R. Kelly
and not worry about it.
Who's your Canceled
Nigga Cheat Day?
Kanye. Is Kanye canceled?
Kanye, you can't...
You can't cancel a nigga
with special needs.
That's not...
- Members only. Are you
qualified for entry?
- Qualified for what, man?
I don't even know
what this place is.
- Oh, Michael Che, man.
I didn't recognize
you in that wig.
What are you doing,
a movie or somethin'?
- Open the fucking door,
man. It's freezing out here.
Jesus, come on, man! Goddamn!
- Sorry, man. Come on.
- Welcome to Club Excommunicado.
- Have a seat.
- Okay.
I was told that you're the
only one that could help me.
- I would like to
tell you a story.
- Wait a minute.
- Just listen to
my story, damn it.
- Fuck me.
- You want a drink first?
- No.
- Suit yourself.
Now, you don't know who I am,
but I used to be
you a long time ago,
except a lot better.
You see, Rudy...
- Rudy?
- The man is trying to get
people like you and me.
- What do you
mean, "you and me"?
- I mean truth-tellers.
- Oh. Well, say that.
- Well, don't you get it?
They're trying to
use our worst actions
to define our legacy,
and it's wrong.
- I guess.
- You see, I've done
millions of good things
and, like, 58 bad things.
- Hell, nigga.
- You sure you
don't want a drink?
- I'm positive.
- You see, Vanessa,
we are the same.
That's why we have to
support each other in public,
no matter what.
Like you supported your dad
against those
pussy-lickin' fruitcakes.
- For the last time,
he's not my dad.
- He's everybody's dad, like me.
- That's not what I meant.
- You'll be happy to know
that I'll be throwing
my full support behind you.
But you have to do one thing...
Murder W. Kamau Bell.
- No.
- Well, at least choke
out Hannibal Buress.
- Not gonna do that either.
- Oh, come on!
- Damn.
Maybe I should just apologize.
- What?
You didn't do anything wrong.
- Who cares?
I just know I don't belong
in this club with you.
Besides, if you're
a decent person,
people will see that eventually.
- And if you're not
a decent person?
- Well, nigga, that
sounds like your problem.
But I got to go
get my career back.
Very weird to
meet you. I'm out.
- But I-I didn't even
finish my story, Denise!
- I think you did.
- Why don't you go ahead
and have one drink
with me, please?
- No!
- Well, pull your damn pants up!
- I didn't know
Roseanne was canceled.
What did Roseanne do?
She's racist?
You can get canceled
for just being racist?
She what?
She called Valerie Jarrett a...
The Valerie Jarrett?
Who's
Valerie Jarrett?
Who the fuck is Valerie Jarrett?
And, yes, I think it's you.
Are you Valerie Jarrett?
"She called Valerie
Jarrett a monkey...
"in traffic...
just because I cut her off."