That Damn Michael Che (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Episode #2.6 - full transcript
- Lots of tannins,
and you'll notice
the more floral notes on
the back of your palate.
- Mm, back of the palate, yeah.
But I'm looking for something
that's gonna get me fucked up.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- Uh, perhaps I should point you
to our cognac section.
- Perhaps. Yeah,
that sounds good.
Yeah, thank you.
- How can it be a nice
white and it says bigots?
- This is a Beaujolais.
- I don't think you
know shit about wine.
- This is where the expensive...
- At the beer and wine store,
they got a cooler for
they fuckin' wine.
- Well, then go to the
beer and wine store
if you wanna go to the
beer and wine store.
- That's where I'm
going, you motherfucker.
- I'm gonna ask
you to leave now.
- I'll tell you
what, you better get
your fuckin' hands off me.
I'll cut your fuckin'
head off, bitch.
You don't know me.
- Uncle Bruce?
- Nephew!
What's up, man?
What you doin' up in here?
- What you doin' up here?
- You know, I'm trying
to get like you.
- Why do you have
a Key Foods basket?
- Hey, man, you got a
lot of questions, Nephew.
Listen, man, I'm just
glad I ran into you.
You're a hard man to
catch up with, bud.
- Yeah, you know, I've
been traveling a whole lot.
- What's your number?
- I just lost my phone.
- You lyin'.
- I was on a roller coaster,
flew out the window,
exploded mid-air.
- You gotta be careful
like that, man.
- That's right, that's right.
- But listen,
I got a business opportunity,
and I only want you in
on the ground floor.
- I don't know if
that's a good idea.
I mean, I'd probably
hold you back.
- I wrote a film.
- A film?
- Yes, and it's dynamite!
- I would love to
read your script,
but, you know,
I'm legally blind.
- It's called "Werecoon."
- "Werecoon"?
- Yes, "Werecoon."
[growls] Like a werewolf,
but he's a coon.
- You know what?
I feel like you just
gave me my vision back.
- Boom! Look what I
got right here, baby.
- Whoa!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. Yeah,
no, you know what,
maybe I do got a
little bit of time...
- Yeah.
- With my favorite uncle.
- Let's crack open
one of these bottles.
Hey, Frenchie, bring
us some plastic cups.
We gon' be here for a minute.
[soulful music]
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
let me hear you say ♪
♪ Your folks, my folks ♪
♪ My folks, your folks ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
- Oh, it's not even close.
Nigga by a White person
doesn't bother me at all.
That's... that's just lazy
writing at this point.
[laughter]
"Nigga." Okay, ohh.
A "coon" by a Black person...
Ooh, that hurts your soul.
You start to defend yourself.
No, I'm not! Yeah.
White people don't know the
power of coon for Black people.
It's a... that's...
It's not something
you could get away with, but...
There's nothing worse than
a nigga calling you coon.
- Mark, I'm scared.
- Don't worry,
baby. It don't bite.
- Knock it off. I know
you've heard the rumors.
It's dangerous out here.
- Minnie, you're with me.
You don't have anything
to be afraid of.
[howling in distance]
- Did you hear that?
- It's just the wind, baby.
You're being paranoid. Relax.
[howling]
- I heard it again.
There's something out there.
- There's nothing out
there. Trust me, I...
- [howling]
- The fuck? Yo, it's
just a regular nigga.
- [howls]
- Man, what you...
[yelps]
- My lady.
- ♪ O say, can you see ♪
- Mark?
- ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
- That's so beautiful.
- And that's a cut
on rehearsal.
Thank you so much, my stars.
Take five, okay?
- Okay.
- Unbelievable.
Now, that's just
the opening scene.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and if you want more,
you're gonna have to
pay for that steak.
[laughs]
- Um, yeah. Eew.
I just feel like I don't...
- Get it?
- Yeah, that's this... yeah,
I don't feel like I get it.
- Look, he's a Werecoon.
- Yeah, what's not to get?
- Umm...
- Look, it's just funny.
- It's not just funny,
it's so much more than that.
I mean, it's
important, it's timely,
- Well, I'm just not
sure it's in line
with the Disney brand.
- Well, look man. What would
y'all like for us to change?
- I... I'm sorry, Unc.
Uh, I have a question.
Do you Disney niggas hate money?
- Oh!
- Oh, buddy...
- Come on, we love money.
- Good, 'cause I
love money, too.
And Jordan Peele made about
$200, $300 million on "Get Out,"
and our shit is more
John Blaze than that.
I mean, we got some
John Blaze shit here.
- Hey, look, what my
nephew is trying to say...
- No, what your nephew is saying
is that maybe you two aren't
right for "Werecoon" at all.
Maybe we should take
our movie elsewhere.
- Well, if that's how you feel.
- That's how I feel.
- Okay, well, all right.
- Yeah.
- Um, best of luck
to you fellas.
- Yeah, I'll see you
at the Oscars, buddy.
[laughs] Can you
believe this shit?
- No, I don't believe this shit.
What you doin', man?
- It's called
standing your ground.
Okay, you have to do that
with these Hollywood types.
I can't let them suck the
soul out of our movie.
- Man, I don't care. I just
wanna get the movie made
so we can get this money.
- It'll get made, all right?
We just need to take "Werecoon"
somewhere where
it'll be appreciated
in its rawest essence.
- Okay. Now, I'm
gonna trust you.
I'm just trying to
get like you, Nephew.
- And you will.
- Lead the way, baby.
I got you. Okay,
my honey bees,
we're coming back.
♪ ♪
[laughter] What job
is unconcealable?
I'm gonna say White
lady in a porno.
[laughter]
Them bitches say everything,
and it's never
taken me out of it.
It's never once...
Never once have I put
my pants back on like,
I can't believe this
bitch said that!
[upbeat stadium
music] [horn blares]
PA ANNOUNCER: And the
Monarchs take the lead
as we enter half time.
Now, let's see you
show your moves
for the Dance Cam!
- This is the section that
always gets on the jumbotron.
- Why do you wanna get
on the jumbotron so bad?
- Because I wanna blow
up. We're gonna go viral.
- Dad, no.
- Every viral dance
starts just like this
on a jumbotron.
The "Renegade,"
the "Macarena."
- Dad, nobody's
doing those anymore.
- They're gon' be
doin' the "Num Num."
- Please don't do that
dance. No "Num Num."
- You like that
dance. No "Num Num."
- Everybody likes the...
Hey, hey, it's us!
It's us! This is my time!
[dance music]
Putting it together. Ahh!
And...
♪ ♪
Ahh, ahh, ahh!
- No, Dad. You're not...
- Uhh, uhh, mmm.
[crowd clamoring]
Ohh, ohh, ohh.
Everybody! Uh, uh, uh.
- Dad, please sit down.
Dad. [light booing]
- Security, let's get
this pervert out of here.
- Y'all don't feel it, though.
- Oh, my God,
security's coming.
- Come on, everybody!
Uh, ah, oh, slow it down.
- Let's go.
- Okay. Autographs later.
PA ANNOUNCER: Okay,
everybody keep it clean.
- Dad, Dad, everybody's
hittin' me up.
They all saw you.
- Yeah!
Your old man's goin' viral.
I told you.
This is the beginning
of my new life.
[upbeat pop music]
Yep.
♪ ♪
Fired? Uh...
After 20 years.
Over a dance.
- Your wife called.
[somber jazzy music]
- Divorce.
Because of a dance?
Fired, wife gone, house
gone, kid hates me.
What's next?
- You're also gonna have to
register as a sex offender
in the next 30 days
or you're going to jail.
- Hell no. I'm not registering
as a sex offender
because of a dance.
Uh-uh. They gon'
have to arrest me.
♪ ♪
[door slams]
- Would you rather
jerk off without porn
or watch porn
without jerking off?
[laughter]
- Both things I've done.
I'm gonna say jerk
off without porn.
- You can do that?
- Oh, yeah, man.
What, are you kiddin' me?
You know how much porn
I've watched?
I can start quotin' that shit.
I quote porn in the shower
like it's "Goodfellas."
- [moaning]
- [grunts] Whoo!
- Oh, baby.
That was amazing.
- Yeah, I know. She crazy.
What are you doin'?
There's 13 minutes
left in the movie.
- It's a porno. You
know how it ends.
[moaning on TV]
Come on, let's go again.
- Okay. What you wanna
watch? "Bang Bus"?
- Uh... let's use our own
imaginations this time.
- Our own imagination?
- Imagination.
- A'ight.
- [moaning]
[Camila Paiva's "Grind For Two"]
- ♪ Gimme all that amnesia ♪
♪ Go on up, boy,
you a keeper ♪
♪ And I'ma bring
the juice, babe ♪
♪ Love potion
let loose, babe ♪
♪ We can make our move, babe ♪
♪ Tonight it's
my duty to you ♪
♪ I'ma ride this
shit a time or two ♪
♪ Make the climb
with you, yeah ♪
[moaning]
[light music]
[women moaning]
♪ ♪
[laughs] That
ain't her stepdad.
Now that's a cream pie!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
[moaning continues]
[moaning intensifies]
[grunting]
- [moans]
- Oh, that was a
great idea, baby.
- I told you.
- Would you rather find
out Jesus was Black
but was a con man and
didn't have any superpowers?
[laughter]
Or...
- Yo, Wil, you...
This is better than Wordle.
Like, you need to...
[laughs] You need to
do your own Wordle
with these questions.
Would you rather Jesus
be Black and a con man
and had no powers.
That's funny as shit.
- Or he was Black,
but he was a coon.
- Jesus was... How
was Jesus a coon?
- He was only
healing White people.
- [laughs]
- Cheers. Congrats on
the promotion, Damien.
Truly, I can't think
of a better guy
it could've gone to.
- Thanks, Greg.
I'm just glad we
could both be there
to see Tariq not get the job.
[both laugh]
- [howling]
- Oh, shit! It's Werecoon.
W-we gotta get the
fuck outta here.
- Man, I ain't
scared of that nigga.
What's up, pussy?
[intense music]
[crowd clamoring]
♪ ♪
[all exclaim]
Man, the problem
with Black women
is they be talkin' when
they should be listenin'.
- Hm. He's got some
pretty good points.
- Oh.
- [howls]
- [howls]
[both howl]
- And that is just the sizzle.
But if you want the steak...
- What the fuck was that?
- Yeah, I...
I don't get it.
- What's not to get?
He comes out in a full moon,
and he slaps sense into niggas.
I mean...
- That's what he was doin'?
- So he turns niggas into coons.
- Exactly.
- So why was he howling
like a wolf?
- Because he's a were-coon.
- Oh.
- Look, it's just funny.
- Man, but it's not
just funny, Unc.
It's also important.
And... and powerful.
- Well, I loved it.
- Thank you! See?
- Of course, I'm
just the janitor.
- You're the janitor? Why
you dressed in a suit?
- 'Cause we all get
to wear suits here
at Tyler Perry Studios.
You dress for the job you want.
- It truly is the promised land.
- I'm sorry, but that is the
worst shit I've ever seen,
and I work for Tyler Perry.
- Listen, we got
some other shit.
I wrote a science fiction film
where, like, the raccoons
turn into monkeys,
and they attack all the
light-skinned Black people.
- Oh, no, no.
Hang on, hang on.
If y'all are dumb enough
to pass on "Werecoon"
on this piece of history.
Maybe we're in the
wrong place, I mean...
- I think you should leave.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
Come on, Unc.
- Mm-mm.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, take this
trash with you.
- Suck our dick.
- You ever been to therapy, Wil?
- Therapy?
- A lot of Black... that's not
a very Black man thing.
We're, like, just now
getting into therapy.
It's not...
- Yeah, I don't...
[laughter]
[typing]
[knock at door]
- No... no.
Do not come in right
now. I'm working.
[phone rings]
[grumbles]
Kevin Hammerberger Jr.
- Kevin, it's Oscar.
- Oscar, my boy! How is
my favorite floor manager?
- So, actually...
- Listen to this,
listen to this:
Nadia calls me.
- She called you?
- Just now, just now.
She calls me and she
asks for... get this...
A mental health day.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, right.
Her feelings are hurt,
and she can't work.
Can you... do get it? Right.
If she wasn't my
daughter, boy, I would...
- I need a mental
health day, too.
- What?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Oscar, I just told you
Nadia's doing this nonsense,
and you're gonna tell me
you're doing the same thing?
You need a mental
health day, too?
- Sorry, but yes.
- Well, you know
what I think, Oscar?
I think you're lazy,
and I think you're entitled.
My father, he came
to work every day.
Two ten hour shifts every day
from the time he was
12 until he died at 28.
- Oh, really?
- That's right.
- Sounds unhealthy.
- I'll tell you what, Oscar.
Either you come in today,
our busiest day of the year,
or you don't come in at all.
- I'm not coming.
- Okay, well,
you've made your choice, Oscar.
Have a good life.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[groans] Cherise,
what is this?
"Tony is taking a
mental health day."
What the fuck is a
mental health day?
It's not even a real thing.
You wouldn't say, "Oh, I
need a physical health day."
You would say, "Oh, I
broke my leg, and I'm going
to the doctor to get some
crutches and a cast,"
then you bring your ass
back to work. [laughs]
- I don't get it either.
It's hard our here
for everybody.
We all got problems, you know.
- You know what
I like about you?
You're a hard worker.
You're dedicated.
You're not like
the rest of these
goddamn millennials.
- You're right, um...
But hey, Mr. Hammerberger...
- Mm, yes, Cherise?
- [chuckles] You know,
I've been thinking.
- Mm, what were you thinking?
- After work...
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, me and you, uh...
- Mm.
- As you can see,
he's completely lost
touch with reality.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- Dr. Edwards, is my
dad ever gonna be okay?
- Well, it's too soon to tell.
His brain was
essentially fried to shit
from never relaxing.
But he's taken well
to the medication,
so that's good.
- Thank you so much
for all of your help.
- That's what we're here for.
For now, his delusions
are based in reality,
so we don't think
this isn't anything
that can't be reversed.
- Damn, girl,
you can't be fuckin' me at work.
- Well, he does often think
he's having sex with coworkers.
- [blubbering]
- You should head out now
before it gets any more graphic.
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
Man, ain't no such thing
as a mental health day,
you better bring
your ass to work.
Damn, Cherise.
You got it, baby.
♪ ♪
- This latest dance
craze is so popular,
you might even find
your doctor doing it.
♪ ♪
- My fellow Americans,
the war is over.
[applause]
- I don't know if
I'm religious or not.
I'm definitely not
religious in practice.
I do think there's a God, and...
I don't wanna say he's...
not great.
But I will say, if I was God,
I would do things differently.
[laughter]
I think there's
somebody up there
but I don't think
his plan was perfect.
In fact, I think he
might've quit on us.
And we're just here waiting
for him to come back.
Yes, my parents are divorced.
[laughter]
At the very least,
he's a bad father.
If you did what God
did to your kids,
you couldn't be like,
"I'm mysterious."
No, nigga.
- He takes the snap,
it's a reverse.
He's at the ten,
the five, touchdown!
[cheers and applause]
[crowd chanting]
"Num Num!" "Num Num!"
[dark tone]
♪ ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is my dance.
This is my dance!
Hey, y'all, this is my dance.
That's all me.
- Beat it, rapist.
That's a TikTok dance.
All the kids is doin' it.
Yah!
- I didn't rape.
I "Num Num'd."
- Ah, ah, ah.
- Hey, I was at the game.
I saw you and your son.
I know that's your dance.
Good shit.
- Yeah?
- Mr. "Num Num."
- Yeah.
Mr. "Num Num."
- Do you know what
the fuck's going on?
- I don't think anybody knows
what the fuck is going on.
- Okay.
- We'll figure it out.
- Okay.
- No, no, hold on.
I got it, I got
it. I think I fixed
the problem with
the script, guys.
In this version,
Werecoon joins forces
with the police to get all
the Black people vaccinated.
- Jay, I don't know
about this, man.
- Why am I not surprised?
You know what, I've
been trying to make you
the next Terry Crew,
and you keep resisting!
- Okay. You don't
have to get angry.
- I'm not...
I'm not angry. I'm
just passionate.
That's all.
- Okay, we're just saying
that we've spent a
lot of time filming
on your dime already.
- And your point?
- I don't even know
if I'm the good
guy or the bad guy.
- Whoa, hey, hey. Now, listen.
What would you like to change?
- When I first read the script,
I just thought it was hilarious.
But now it feels too
self-righteous and important.
You know, maybe, if we
put back in all the jokes,
it could start feeling
like a comedy again.
- Hmm, let me think about that.
You're fuckin' fired.
- What?
- Whoa, whoa, Nephew, hey.
- I want him outta here.
He's fuckin' up my movie.
- Your movie? You
thievin' bastard.
I told Madea to suck our dick.
It's our film.
- I know, I know.
You're right.
It's our movie,
and I'm just trying
to protect the integrity
of the script, okay?
I mean, don't you want this
movie to mean something?
- I don't give a fuck
about this movie.
I just want the money.
- Yeah, but we owe
it to the community.
- The community
stole my underwear
out the dryer in the Laundromat.
The community stole my car.
I got smacked in my face
in front of my daughter
in the community.
- I don't know what
that's supposed to mean.
- Fuck the community.
Let's make this
film, get this money,
and get out the community.
- I think you're being a
little shortsighted here.
I mean, we have an opportunity
to make actual important cinema.
- What I told you off the top
was I wanna get to
your level, you know?
- Okay.
- We can jump on television,
say some bullshit,
do a little tap dance
for the White man,
and get paid!
- Is that what you think I do?
- What do you think you do?
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Would you rather participate
in a Catholic loophole
or the Mormon loophole?
- A Catholic loophole?
- Yeah, you know,
can't have sex,
so you have anal.
[crowd clamoring] And...
- Wait a minute.
[laughter]
- And Mormons, you
know what they do,
right, they do soaking.
You know what soaking is?
- What's soaking?
- Soaking... the guy put
the penis in the vagina,
but he doesn't
move. [laughter]
He just let it soak.
- Oh, I don't think I
want my penis pruned up.
[laughter]
♪ ♪
and you'll notice
the more floral notes on
the back of your palate.
- Mm, back of the palate, yeah.
But I'm looking for something
that's gonna get me fucked up.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- Uh, perhaps I should point you
to our cognac section.
- Perhaps. Yeah,
that sounds good.
Yeah, thank you.
- How can it be a nice
white and it says bigots?
- This is a Beaujolais.
- I don't think you
know shit about wine.
- This is where the expensive...
- At the beer and wine store,
they got a cooler for
they fuckin' wine.
- Well, then go to the
beer and wine store
if you wanna go to the
beer and wine store.
- That's where I'm
going, you motherfucker.
- I'm gonna ask
you to leave now.
- I'll tell you
what, you better get
your fuckin' hands off me.
I'll cut your fuckin'
head off, bitch.
You don't know me.
- Uncle Bruce?
- Nephew!
What's up, man?
What you doin' up in here?
- What you doin' up here?
- You know, I'm trying
to get like you.
- Why do you have
a Key Foods basket?
- Hey, man, you got a
lot of questions, Nephew.
Listen, man, I'm just
glad I ran into you.
You're a hard man to
catch up with, bud.
- Yeah, you know, I've
been traveling a whole lot.
- What's your number?
- I just lost my phone.
- You lyin'.
- I was on a roller coaster,
flew out the window,
exploded mid-air.
- You gotta be careful
like that, man.
- That's right, that's right.
- But listen,
I got a business opportunity,
and I only want you in
on the ground floor.
- I don't know if
that's a good idea.
I mean, I'd probably
hold you back.
- I wrote a film.
- A film?
- Yes, and it's dynamite!
- I would love to
read your script,
but, you know,
I'm legally blind.
- It's called "Werecoon."
- "Werecoon"?
- Yes, "Werecoon."
[growls] Like a werewolf,
but he's a coon.
- You know what?
I feel like you just
gave me my vision back.
- Boom! Look what I
got right here, baby.
- Whoa!
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. Yeah,
no, you know what,
maybe I do got a
little bit of time...
- Yeah.
- With my favorite uncle.
- Let's crack open
one of these bottles.
Hey, Frenchie, bring
us some plastic cups.
We gon' be here for a minute.
[soulful music]
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
let me hear you say ♪
♪ Your folks, my folks ♪
♪ My folks, your folks ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah! ♪
♪ Ha! ♪
- Oh, it's not even close.
Nigga by a White person
doesn't bother me at all.
That's... that's just lazy
writing at this point.
[laughter]
"Nigga." Okay, ohh.
A "coon" by a Black person...
Ooh, that hurts your soul.
You start to defend yourself.
No, I'm not! Yeah.
White people don't know the
power of coon for Black people.
It's a... that's...
It's not something
you could get away with, but...
There's nothing worse than
a nigga calling you coon.
- Mark, I'm scared.
- Don't worry,
baby. It don't bite.
- Knock it off. I know
you've heard the rumors.
It's dangerous out here.
- Minnie, you're with me.
You don't have anything
to be afraid of.
[howling in distance]
- Did you hear that?
- It's just the wind, baby.
You're being paranoid. Relax.
[howling]
- I heard it again.
There's something out there.
- There's nothing out
there. Trust me, I...
- [howling]
- The fuck? Yo, it's
just a regular nigga.
- [howls]
- Man, what you...
[yelps]
- My lady.
- ♪ O say, can you see ♪
- Mark?
- ♪ By the dawn's early light ♪
- That's so beautiful.
- And that's a cut
on rehearsal.
Thank you so much, my stars.
Take five, okay?
- Okay.
- Unbelievable.
Now, that's just
the opening scene.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and if you want more,
you're gonna have to
pay for that steak.
[laughs]
- Um, yeah. Eew.
I just feel like I don't...
- Get it?
- Yeah, that's this... yeah,
I don't feel like I get it.
- Look, he's a Werecoon.
- Yeah, what's not to get?
- Umm...
- Look, it's just funny.
- It's not just funny,
it's so much more than that.
I mean, it's
important, it's timely,
- Well, I'm just not
sure it's in line
with the Disney brand.
- Well, look man. What would
y'all like for us to change?
- I... I'm sorry, Unc.
Uh, I have a question.
Do you Disney niggas hate money?
- Oh!
- Oh, buddy...
- Come on, we love money.
- Good, 'cause I
love money, too.
And Jordan Peele made about
$200, $300 million on "Get Out,"
and our shit is more
John Blaze than that.
I mean, we got some
John Blaze shit here.
- Hey, look, what my
nephew is trying to say...
- No, what your nephew is saying
is that maybe you two aren't
right for "Werecoon" at all.
Maybe we should take
our movie elsewhere.
- Well, if that's how you feel.
- That's how I feel.
- Okay, well, all right.
- Yeah.
- Um, best of luck
to you fellas.
- Yeah, I'll see you
at the Oscars, buddy.
[laughs] Can you
believe this shit?
- No, I don't believe this shit.
What you doin', man?
- It's called
standing your ground.
Okay, you have to do that
with these Hollywood types.
I can't let them suck the
soul out of our movie.
- Man, I don't care. I just
wanna get the movie made
so we can get this money.
- It'll get made, all right?
We just need to take "Werecoon"
somewhere where
it'll be appreciated
in its rawest essence.
- Okay. Now, I'm
gonna trust you.
I'm just trying to
get like you, Nephew.
- And you will.
- Lead the way, baby.
I got you. Okay,
my honey bees,
we're coming back.
♪ ♪
[laughter] What job
is unconcealable?
I'm gonna say White
lady in a porno.
[laughter]
Them bitches say everything,
and it's never
taken me out of it.
It's never once...
Never once have I put
my pants back on like,
I can't believe this
bitch said that!
[upbeat stadium
music] [horn blares]
PA ANNOUNCER: And the
Monarchs take the lead
as we enter half time.
Now, let's see you
show your moves
for the Dance Cam!
- This is the section that
always gets on the jumbotron.
- Why do you wanna get
on the jumbotron so bad?
- Because I wanna blow
up. We're gonna go viral.
- Dad, no.
- Every viral dance
starts just like this
on a jumbotron.
The "Renegade,"
the "Macarena."
- Dad, nobody's
doing those anymore.
- They're gon' be
doin' the "Num Num."
- Please don't do that
dance. No "Num Num."
- You like that
dance. No "Num Num."
- Everybody likes the...
Hey, hey, it's us!
It's us! This is my time!
[dance music]
Putting it together. Ahh!
And...
♪ ♪
Ahh, ahh, ahh!
- No, Dad. You're not...
- Uhh, uhh, mmm.
[crowd clamoring]
Ohh, ohh, ohh.
Everybody! Uh, uh, uh.
- Dad, please sit down.
Dad. [light booing]
- Security, let's get
this pervert out of here.
- Y'all don't feel it, though.
- Oh, my God,
security's coming.
- Come on, everybody!
Uh, ah, oh, slow it down.
- Let's go.
- Okay. Autographs later.
PA ANNOUNCER: Okay,
everybody keep it clean.
- Dad, Dad, everybody's
hittin' me up.
They all saw you.
- Yeah!
Your old man's goin' viral.
I told you.
This is the beginning
of my new life.
[upbeat pop music]
Yep.
♪ ♪
Fired? Uh...
After 20 years.
Over a dance.
- Your wife called.
[somber jazzy music]
- Divorce.
Because of a dance?
Fired, wife gone, house
gone, kid hates me.
What's next?
- You're also gonna have to
register as a sex offender
in the next 30 days
or you're going to jail.
- Hell no. I'm not registering
as a sex offender
because of a dance.
Uh-uh. They gon'
have to arrest me.
♪ ♪
[door slams]
- Would you rather
jerk off without porn
or watch porn
without jerking off?
[laughter]
- Both things I've done.
I'm gonna say jerk
off without porn.
- You can do that?
- Oh, yeah, man.
What, are you kiddin' me?
You know how much porn
I've watched?
I can start quotin' that shit.
I quote porn in the shower
like it's "Goodfellas."
- [moaning]
- [grunts] Whoo!
- Oh, baby.
That was amazing.
- Yeah, I know. She crazy.
What are you doin'?
There's 13 minutes
left in the movie.
- It's a porno. You
know how it ends.
[moaning on TV]
Come on, let's go again.
- Okay. What you wanna
watch? "Bang Bus"?
- Uh... let's use our own
imaginations this time.
- Our own imagination?
- Imagination.
- A'ight.
- [moaning]
[Camila Paiva's "Grind For Two"]
- ♪ Gimme all that amnesia ♪
♪ Go on up, boy,
you a keeper ♪
♪ And I'ma bring
the juice, babe ♪
♪ Love potion
let loose, babe ♪
♪ We can make our move, babe ♪
♪ Tonight it's
my duty to you ♪
♪ I'ma ride this
shit a time or two ♪
♪ Make the climb
with you, yeah ♪
[moaning]
[light music]
[women moaning]
♪ ♪
[laughs] That
ain't her stepdad.
Now that's a cream pie!
Whoo!
♪ ♪
[moaning continues]
[moaning intensifies]
[grunting]
- [moans]
- Oh, that was a
great idea, baby.
- I told you.
- Would you rather find
out Jesus was Black
but was a con man and
didn't have any superpowers?
[laughter]
Or...
- Yo, Wil, you...
This is better than Wordle.
Like, you need to...
[laughs] You need to
do your own Wordle
with these questions.
Would you rather Jesus
be Black and a con man
and had no powers.
That's funny as shit.
- Or he was Black,
but he was a coon.
- Jesus was... How
was Jesus a coon?
- He was only
healing White people.
- [laughs]
- Cheers. Congrats on
the promotion, Damien.
Truly, I can't think
of a better guy
it could've gone to.
- Thanks, Greg.
I'm just glad we
could both be there
to see Tariq not get the job.
[both laugh]
- [howling]
- Oh, shit! It's Werecoon.
W-we gotta get the
fuck outta here.
- Man, I ain't
scared of that nigga.
What's up, pussy?
[intense music]
[crowd clamoring]
♪ ♪
[all exclaim]
Man, the problem
with Black women
is they be talkin' when
they should be listenin'.
- Hm. He's got some
pretty good points.
- Oh.
- [howls]
- [howls]
[both howl]
- And that is just the sizzle.
But if you want the steak...
- What the fuck was that?
- Yeah, I...
I don't get it.
- What's not to get?
He comes out in a full moon,
and he slaps sense into niggas.
I mean...
- That's what he was doin'?
- So he turns niggas into coons.
- Exactly.
- So why was he howling
like a wolf?
- Because he's a were-coon.
- Oh.
- Look, it's just funny.
- Man, but it's not
just funny, Unc.
It's also important.
And... and powerful.
- Well, I loved it.
- Thank you! See?
- Of course, I'm
just the janitor.
- You're the janitor? Why
you dressed in a suit?
- 'Cause we all get
to wear suits here
at Tyler Perry Studios.
You dress for the job you want.
- It truly is the promised land.
- I'm sorry, but that is the
worst shit I've ever seen,
and I work for Tyler Perry.
- Listen, we got
some other shit.
I wrote a science fiction film
where, like, the raccoons
turn into monkeys,
and they attack all the
light-skinned Black people.
- Oh, no, no.
Hang on, hang on.
If y'all are dumb enough
to pass on "Werecoon"
on this piece of history.
Maybe we're in the
wrong place, I mean...
- I think you should leave.
- Yeah, maybe we should.
Come on, Unc.
- Mm-mm.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, take this
trash with you.
- Suck our dick.
- You ever been to therapy, Wil?
- Therapy?
- A lot of Black... that's not
a very Black man thing.
We're, like, just now
getting into therapy.
It's not...
- Yeah, I don't...
[laughter]
[typing]
[knock at door]
- No... no.
Do not come in right
now. I'm working.
[phone rings]
[grumbles]
Kevin Hammerberger Jr.
- Kevin, it's Oscar.
- Oscar, my boy! How is
my favorite floor manager?
- So, actually...
- Listen to this,
listen to this:
Nadia calls me.
- She called you?
- Just now, just now.
She calls me and she
asks for... get this...
A mental health day.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, right.
Her feelings are hurt,
and she can't work.
Can you... do get it? Right.
If she wasn't my
daughter, boy, I would...
- I need a mental
health day, too.
- What?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Oscar, I just told you
Nadia's doing this nonsense,
and you're gonna tell me
you're doing the same thing?
You need a mental
health day, too?
- Sorry, but yes.
- Well, you know
what I think, Oscar?
I think you're lazy,
and I think you're entitled.
My father, he came
to work every day.
Two ten hour shifts every day
from the time he was
12 until he died at 28.
- Oh, really?
- That's right.
- Sounds unhealthy.
- I'll tell you what, Oscar.
Either you come in today,
our busiest day of the year,
or you don't come in at all.
- I'm not coming.
- Okay, well,
you've made your choice, Oscar.
Have a good life.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[groans] Cherise,
what is this?
"Tony is taking a
mental health day."
What the fuck is a
mental health day?
It's not even a real thing.
You wouldn't say, "Oh, I
need a physical health day."
You would say, "Oh, I
broke my leg, and I'm going
to the doctor to get some
crutches and a cast,"
then you bring your ass
back to work. [laughs]
- I don't get it either.
It's hard our here
for everybody.
We all got problems, you know.
- You know what
I like about you?
You're a hard worker.
You're dedicated.
You're not like
the rest of these
goddamn millennials.
- You're right, um...
But hey, Mr. Hammerberger...
- Mm, yes, Cherise?
- [chuckles] You know,
I've been thinking.
- Mm, what were you thinking?
- After work...
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, me and you, uh...
- Mm.
- As you can see,
he's completely lost
touch with reality.
[eerie music]
♪ ♪
- Dr. Edwards, is my
dad ever gonna be okay?
- Well, it's too soon to tell.
His brain was
essentially fried to shit
from never relaxing.
But he's taken well
to the medication,
so that's good.
- Thank you so much
for all of your help.
- That's what we're here for.
For now, his delusions
are based in reality,
so we don't think
this isn't anything
that can't be reversed.
- Damn, girl,
you can't be fuckin' me at work.
- Well, he does often think
he's having sex with coworkers.
- [blubbering]
- You should head out now
before it gets any more graphic.
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
Man, ain't no such thing
as a mental health day,
you better bring
your ass to work.
Damn, Cherise.
You got it, baby.
♪ ♪
- This latest dance
craze is so popular,
you might even find
your doctor doing it.
♪ ♪
- My fellow Americans,
the war is over.
[applause]
- I don't know if
I'm religious or not.
I'm definitely not
religious in practice.
I do think there's a God, and...
I don't wanna say he's...
not great.
But I will say, if I was God,
I would do things differently.
[laughter]
I think there's
somebody up there
but I don't think
his plan was perfect.
In fact, I think he
might've quit on us.
And we're just here waiting
for him to come back.
Yes, my parents are divorced.
[laughter]
At the very least,
he's a bad father.
If you did what God
did to your kids,
you couldn't be like,
"I'm mysterious."
No, nigga.
- He takes the snap,
it's a reverse.
He's at the ten,
the five, touchdown!
[cheers and applause]
[crowd chanting]
"Num Num!" "Num Num!"
[dark tone]
♪ ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
This is my dance.
This is my dance!
Hey, y'all, this is my dance.
That's all me.
- Beat it, rapist.
That's a TikTok dance.
All the kids is doin' it.
Yah!
- I didn't rape.
I "Num Num'd."
- Ah, ah, ah.
- Hey, I was at the game.
I saw you and your son.
I know that's your dance.
Good shit.
- Yeah?
- Mr. "Num Num."
- Yeah.
Mr. "Num Num."
- Do you know what
the fuck's going on?
- I don't think anybody knows
what the fuck is going on.
- Okay.
- We'll figure it out.
- Okay.
- No, no, hold on.
I got it, I got
it. I think I fixed
the problem with
the script, guys.
In this version,
Werecoon joins forces
with the police to get all
the Black people vaccinated.
- Jay, I don't know
about this, man.
- Why am I not surprised?
You know what, I've
been trying to make you
the next Terry Crew,
and you keep resisting!
- Okay. You don't
have to get angry.
- I'm not...
I'm not angry. I'm
just passionate.
That's all.
- Okay, we're just saying
that we've spent a
lot of time filming
on your dime already.
- And your point?
- I don't even know
if I'm the good
guy or the bad guy.
- Whoa, hey, hey. Now, listen.
What would you like to change?
- When I first read the script,
I just thought it was hilarious.
But now it feels too
self-righteous and important.
You know, maybe, if we
put back in all the jokes,
it could start feeling
like a comedy again.
- Hmm, let me think about that.
You're fuckin' fired.
- What?
- Whoa, whoa, Nephew, hey.
- I want him outta here.
He's fuckin' up my movie.
- Your movie? You
thievin' bastard.
I told Madea to suck our dick.
It's our film.
- I know, I know.
You're right.
It's our movie,
and I'm just trying
to protect the integrity
of the script, okay?
I mean, don't you want this
movie to mean something?
- I don't give a fuck
about this movie.
I just want the money.
- Yeah, but we owe
it to the community.
- The community
stole my underwear
out the dryer in the Laundromat.
The community stole my car.
I got smacked in my face
in front of my daughter
in the community.
- I don't know what
that's supposed to mean.
- Fuck the community.
Let's make this
film, get this money,
and get out the community.
- I think you're being a
little shortsighted here.
I mean, we have an opportunity
to make actual important cinema.
- What I told you off the top
was I wanna get to
your level, you know?
- Okay.
- We can jump on television,
say some bullshit,
do a little tap dance
for the White man,
and get paid!
- Is that what you think I do?
- What do you think you do?
[hip-hop music]
♪ ♪
- Would you rather participate
in a Catholic loophole
or the Mormon loophole?
- A Catholic loophole?
- Yeah, you know,
can't have sex,
so you have anal.
[crowd clamoring] And...
- Wait a minute.
[laughter]
- And Mormons, you
know what they do,
right, they do soaking.
You know what soaking is?
- What's soaking?
- Soaking... the guy put
the penis in the vagina,
but he doesn't
move. [laughter]
He just let it soak.
- Oh, I don't think I
want my penis pruned up.
[laughter]
♪ ♪