That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 4 - Beast of Burden - full transcript

So, Eric, your dad's
muffler shop opens tomorrow.

That's, like, the perfect job for him.
I mean, he's been muffling you for years.

Yes, he really hates noise.

I think it's because
it reminds him of fun.

Hey, at least Red got a job he likes.
I thought I was cool flipping burgers,

then I met the night shift guy who's been doing it for 30
years. He's got no eyebrows, and he lives in his own car.

I don't want to be that guy.

And you won't be if you
follow the plan I gave you,

Okay? We get a job
as a local weather team,

then go national as
morning talk show hosts,

and then... star in
our own ice capades.



Jackie, I've told you,
I don't capade.

- I am quitting my job, though.
- Me too.

The department of motor vehicles
is not as glamorous as it sounds.

You know what
motor vehicles are?

They're cars.

Just cars.

Fez, you know what you should do?
You should be a cop like me.

You could go undercover
and catch foreigners.

Oh, so it's a crime
to be foreign, huh?

No, of course not.

It's a crime to do the
things that foreigners do.

Well, I, for one, love my
job. Want to know why?

I have no job.

Yeah, that's one of the
benefits of taking the year off.



Speaking of that, how'd that all-day
marathon go on the slip 'n slide?

Pretty good.

Except for around
hour three, when...

I got a pretty
serious owie.

Yeah, when you went in for a juice,
I slipped a rock under there.

Ah. Anyway, today, I
will be chasing butterflies.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna break
out the giant bubble wand.

What'd you do, go down the
clearance aisle at the drugstore?

Yes, I did.

You'll all be happy to know you'll be receiving
goody bags containing 4th of July socks,

cornstarch

and a calendar
from 1972.

Okay, I think we're nearly
set up for business.

Thanks for helping,
or, uh,

standing around saying,
"ew, grease."

Whoa, Steven.

You already got
that muffler together?

Yeah, well, you know, metal
shop was my favorite class.

I went to, like,

half of 'em.

You know, I need an extra set of hands
around here. How'd you like the job?

No, Steven, you can't.

I mean, don't take this personally, Mr. Forman, but
guys who work in muffler shops are bottom-feeders.

Jackie.

Well, I said, "don't take this
personally." What else can I do?

Jackie, I gotta take
this job. You kidding me?

I mean, I'm good with
my hands, I don't mind dirt,

and I have a high
tolerance for fumes.

Fine. If it makes you
happy, then I'm happy.

Steven, why is it everything that I
love about you also grosses me out?

You're so complicated.

Okay. You can
start tomorrow.

But we're not driving in
together. That's too weird.

Cool.

All right, I gotta take off. I'm gonna
go have lunch with my new dad.

Oh, bring a camera
get a picture.

Steven, you don't have
any family pictures.

Well, we have some really good ones
of my mom down at the county jail.

One full face, two profiles--
each one dated and numbered.

Oh, Steven, you've
had the hardest life.

You know, I should probably be more
generous and considerate with you.

But I am
what I am.

Okay, we are going to make this
the prettiest muffler shop ever.

Really, all I wanted was
a "grand opening" sign.

And you've got one...

in needlepoint.

Kitty that's so tiny.

Needlepoint is
very hard work.

You never appreciate
anything I do.

You should've just
married Betty Parker.

No, no, no. What I meant
was, it's so tiny, like...

your waist.

Thank you.

Eric, you want to
hand me that manifold?

The manifold.

Mani... fold.

Man, I folded that.

Eric, are you ready
to help me decorate?

Yes, now I was thinking we could line this
counter here with red-white-and-blue bunting.

How is it that I raised a son who
knows "bunting" but not "manifold"?

Well, maybe the problem is
that you were never around.

I was always around.

Yeah, maybe I
was the problem.

That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 4
"Beast of burden"

Correction par Guzo

Synchro par Kiff

Merci ? Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

I've never been
to a beauty salon.

I'm excited to see how
they make people beautiful

Especially that lady over there.
That's gonna take some work.

Well, Fez, I don't know how long
I'm gonna be here, so no wandering off.

You gave me a hell of a scare
the other day at the mall.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm just
enjoying my time away from the DMV.

All those foreigners...

Learn to speak
garbled english, people.

Well, the last time I was here,
they were looking for help.

And they have no idea
how weird you are.

That is an
advantage.

What's the job?

Shampoo boy.

Shampoo boy?

You mean, I would get
paid for touch hair?

I used to get in so
much trouble for that

Hey!

Don't touch me!

What are you doing, man?

What am I doing? What are you doing with
your long, beautiful hair, you hippie freak?

That's it!

It is my destiny to
be a shampoo boy.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Is
there a job that pays you to eat pie

No.

It is my destiny to
be a shampoo boy.

Hey, mom, guess what
Hyde just told me.

if it's tawdry, I don't
want to hear it.

No.

Dad offered him a job
at the muffler shop.

And did I even get an offer? No. Like I wasn't there,
too. Like I wasn't all sore from hanging all that bunting.

Well, sweetie, don't
take it so hard.

Your father's always had a soft spot for
Steven, but he loves you, too. I just know it.

Well, you know
what I think?

If dad loves Hyde so much,
maybe he should marry him.

Honey, that's not possible. Your
father is already married to me.

What? No, mom, it's--
it's an expression.

Well, it's nota very good one.

"Twenty three skeedow"
now, that's an expression.

Yes...

That's what I should to say.

Kitty, look

I framed one of my
"grand opening" flyers

now if the shop's a
success, I'll have a souvenir.

And if not,

I'll have something to
glare at while I'm drinking

that's a very good idea.

And you know what else
is a very good idea?

Offering Eric a job just
like you did Steven.

Kitty, I can only afford
to hire one person.

And why can't that one person
be your very own son?

Because my very own son
can't do anything.

No that's not true.

Just today he caught the
most beautiful butterfly

Well

if a giant butterfly is
tearing up the shop

I'll call Eric.

I'm not sure I want him
to face a giant butterfly.

So, Red, we got your
muffler store flyer, and

I'm a little hurt. You know,
you never asked for my input.

I mean, I had a
business on my own.

Bob,

Your business
went under.

Yeah, but
very slowly.

Don't feel
insulted, Bob

Red wouldn't even give
his own child a job.

If you have muffler shop,
wouldn't you give Donna a job?

Sure, Donna knows her
way around the car.

But Eric thinks an exhaust belt is something
that holds up your pants when you're tired.

There's no such thing as
an exhaust belt, Bob.

Well, then he thinks something
else is something else.

Y'know, when you start
a new business,..

You need a gimmick.

When I opened my store,

I rented a monkey.

People will drive a hundred miles to
see a monkey, 200 if he's wearing a suit.

And Bobby dressed up as Tarzan,
and I dressed up as Jane

Remember?

Do I!

"Me, Tarzan, you, Jane.

That's just what I said.

Bob, I'll tell you what my
gimmick is gonna be.

Good service at a fair price.

Oh, please. Leave that
stuff to the Japanese.

Hey Gery.

This is Fez. And he would like to
apply for the shampoo boy job.

Yeah? Why do you
wanna be a shampoo boy

because I love hair--on the head, on the body, on
floor, and if there's one in my salad, I enjoy it more.

Fez.

Okay, maybe I got a
little carried away.

The one on my salad--
I can take it or leave it.

You're a little creepy.

But you're cute, so I'll test you
on one of our regular clients.

Yes, that's great, Fez. I
have complete faith in you.

- You're gonna wash Donna's hair.
- Oh!

Um,

You know, I'm kind of
exclusive with paulette.

I can't just test him on
anyone. He seems kinda pervy.

She gets me.

Okay, fine.

But nothing other than your hands
touches nothing other than my head.

Oh, thank you, Donna.
You're not gonna regret this.

That's the first time I said
that to a girl and meant it.

Well, thanks for lunch, man.

I gotta say, a burger just tastes better when
it's bought for you by your new black dad.

So you must really
love Led Zeppelin.

That's the oldest shirt I've ever seen
on someone who wasn't a bum.

Hey,

If god didn't want me to wear it so much,
he wouldn't have made them rock so hard.

Led Zeppelin's cool. I caught 'em
back in '69. Front row.

Whoa.

Oh, I did well with
the ladies that night.

They probably thought
I was Jimi Hendrix.

I told 'em
I was Jimi Hendrix.

Smile!

Jackie,

we're trying to have
lunch here, do you mind?

Who cares about lunch, Steven?

We need a picture of a
parent who's not under arrest.

Listen,

the reason I wanted to see you is I was thinking
that maybe you'd like to come work for me.

I could teach you the
record store business.

Well, I have stolen
a lot of records.

I would like to learn
why people pay for 'em.

You know what?

I can't. I just took
another job today.

Well, quit that job.

You come work for me, and we'll
kick butt at the father/son picnic.

I'll even start a father/son picnic
just so we can kick butt.

Man, that sounds really cool.
You know, I'll try and work it out.

That's what I like to hear.

Hey!

Well, Steven, you're gonna need
a picture for your Christmas card.

So, uh, Hyde, when my
dad offered you the job,

I mean, what exactly did
he say? Was it, like, um,

"since I don't see my own son here right now,
I might as well just give you the job?"

I can't believe I got a job
from my dad and from Red.

Now I have two jobs.

It's like I'm a workaholic.

I gotta tell you, that's not
the kind of "holic" I thought I'd be.

Wow, Hyde, this is really gettin'
to you. I mean, look at you

you're leaning forward, you got your
sunglasses off. You're freakin' out.

Well, this is an emotional
time for my Steven.

His new daddy and his substitute daddy
are in a tug-of-war for his heart.

Whoa. I thought we established
that Hyde doesn't have a heart.

It was no heart, no brain,

no courage.

I'll just have to tell Red
I can't take the job.

I mean,
he'll understand.

Wait, I'm the scarecrow?

He's the one
who gets set on fire.

Oh, yeah, that's me.

Steven, I have a
little surprise for you.

Pretty nice, huh?

They already had a bunch of
patches that said "Steven."

But I had a "Hyde" one custom-made
'cause I know that's what you prefer.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Custom-made?

He once got me a hat that said "Erin"
because it was "close enough."

Uh,

thanks, Red.
This is- this is really cool.

Yeah, well,

you can buy
your own pants.

Hyde...

- Why didn't you say anything?
- Because he's torn between two daddies.

Steven, when you're in a
moral quandary, do what I do,

Okay? Put on some Donny Osmond, close
your eyes and ask yourself one question...

who's richer?

Okay, Fez, this
is your station.

Donna, here's my pepper
spray, just in case.

You owe me.

Okay, let's see what we
have to work with here.

Fez!

Shouldn't you be doing
something with soap and water?

Oh, so you want
it wet and soapy.

Fez, I just want
my hair washed.

Oh, so you want
to call the shots.

- Don't do the "so you want" stuff.
- Oh, so you want it silent.

Fez!

Okay, okay.

Showtime.

Now you're about to
experience some feelings.

My advice is

give into them.

Hey, come on
in. Look around.

Heck, take a muffler if you like.

I'm--I'm just kidding.

Don't touch anything
you're not gonna buy.

W.B.

Surprised to see you here.

Well, I just wanted to see why Steven would take
a job at a muffler shop instead of working for mein
an office with air conditioning and a pension plan.

I guess white folks
are just weird.

Man, he didn't even think about
offering me the job, did he?

Oh, well, honey, he just
didn't think you were a good fit.

It's called "Forman & son."

It doesn't say
whose son.

What the hell
are you doing?

What?

It's your first day on the
job, and you're drinking?

This is not summer
camp, you know?

There's drinking
at summer camp?

Look, if you're not responsible enough to handle
yourself, then obviously, I made a big mistake.

I hope there's another job out
there for you, because you're fired.

My dad told you he offered
me a job, didn't he?

What?

No.

What?

'Cause I've heard you
fire a lot of people,

and I've never heard you say, "I hope
there's another job out there for you."

You say, "I hope my foot
doesn't get stuck in your ass."

Or, "don't let my foot get stuck in
your ass on the way out the door."

Or the classic, "I'm gonna
stick my foot in your ass."

Just get outta here.

Thanks, Red.

You're such a softy.

Are you lurking
behind everything?

Well, it's the only way I get
to see your real emotions

So guess you have a job
to offer Eric after all?

Yeah, well, I guess I could
teach Eric something about cars.

Maybe if I told him they were called
"space mobiles," he'd take to it.

Hey, Eric.

How'd you like
to work for me?

Here? With you?

Wow, dad, that would mean a lot.
Then it really would be "Forman & son."

- So you'll take the job?
- Hell, no.

Good.

I mean, I don't want to
work. This is my year off.

Then why did you complain all day
about not getting the job?

Oh, well, mom,

I just wanted to get invited to the
dance. I mean, I didn't want to dance.

Hell, I don't even know
any of the steps.

Honey, you are
a wonderful dancer.

Hey, man,

Is that job still available?
'Cause Red just fired me.

Sure. The job's yours.

Cool. When
do I start?

How about monday?

Ooh, mondays are
gonna be tough for me.

I find I'm fresher if I start
my work week on a tuesday.

Say, uh, some
time after lunch?

I'll see you
monday at 9.

Let's call it 10.

Jackie, Jackie,

Fez shampooed
my hair.

And you were able to untie
yourself and get away?

No, Jackie,

his hands
were amazing.

At one point, it was like
he had five extra fingers.

Well, Donna, he is
foreign. He might.

Ladies.

Hi, Fez.

Well, it's official.
I am shampoo boy.

The word on the street is you need to smoke
a cigarette after this boy lathers you up.

I'm the one
who said that.

Fez, did you get taller?

Well, I'm gonna make an appointment. But I'm
not using the same sink as the old ladies.

Oh, you'll use the
sink I tell you to use.

Okay, Fez.

Wow!

Hey, Red. This
is goin' great.

Ah, yeah.
It's going okay.

But can you imagine how great it would be going if he
used the midget catering company I told him about?

Yeah, well,

uh, thanks, Bob, for not forcing some
cock a mamy gimmick down my throat.

Hey, I'd never do that.

Kelso, plan's off.
Get it outta here.

We got him for
three more hours.

I'm gonna see if I can
teach him how to drive.

There's a butterfly in
the backyard. I'm on it!

Okay. He's after me.

He's after me.

Crap. That just made him mad.