That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 3 - (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - full transcript

Ok, so...

Tell me about the job hunt.

Did my little worker bee
find a happy hive?

No. All the jobs
had the same problem...

a dumbass boss.

You know, one guy actually
thought that duct tape

was called "duck" tape.

A security guard
had to pull us apart.

Oh, honey, you'll find something. You
worked at that auto parts plant for so long...

Did you try looking
at auto parts stores?

Well, I'll be, Kitty.



And here I spent all morning
applying to be an astronaut.

What the hell is wrong
with your muffler?

I hadn't noticed anything.

Maybe I was too busy enjoying
my morning ice cream. That's right.

My morning ice cream. Part of my new
"year off" philosophy, I want a treat,

I get a treat.

We haven't even had lunch yet.

Eric never eats dessert before a meal. He used to say,
"When I finish my peas, I can eat what I please."

I taught him that.

I also taught him, "Eat your asparagus,
or people will stare at us."

It's not true, but he was little.

Good lord. Is that
bubble gum ice cream?

Well, it's not simply bubble gum ice cream.
It's frosty double bubble blast off.

Why are you with him?



I find him whimsical.

So do I.

Isn't that nice? They
find me whimsical.

Who's got a bad muffler?

See? Even Bob knows
when a car sounds off.

I never know what
you mean by "even Bob"...

but I like to assume
it's a compliment.

Have you checked
your muffler lately?

Uh, I'm gonna be honest
with you, I haven't.

But that green liquid stuff under
the hood seems to be at a

really healthy level.

Coolant.

Donna, I think I can
handle this, okay?

You cool it.

All right, that's it.

We're goin' to
the muffler shop.

This whole family is gonna learn
a little lesson in muffler care today.

Well, it's not a trip to Europe,
but at least I get out of the house.

Wait a second. You're not just tricking me into the car then
really taking me to the pediatrician for a booster shot, are you?

No.

Good.

'Cause that only works twice.

So, Steven, did you have a good time
when you went out with your new dad?

Yeah, it was all right.

Well, have you called him yet?

No.

Well, I know if I went out with a boy
and he didn't call me after three days,

I'd know he wasn't interested.

Well, Jackie, my dad and I aren't dating.

We're a father and an illegitimate son.

- Great news. I had a baby, and it's a girl.
- Hi, man..

- Fantastic.
- Congratulations, man.

See, Michael, I'm trying to be happy for you,
but your hair is making it really hard.

What happened?

Well, I was waiting for Brooke to have the baby,
right? And I was chewing gum, and then...

and then I decided that I wanted
to blow a bubble as big as my head.

And then I did.

And then you probably figured
out the rest of the story.

Oh, what's her name?

- Betsy.
- Fat girl's name.

I don't know. I kinda like it.

But, of course, I also like the larger ladies.

Well, I had no say. If it was up to me, it
would've been something classy, like Bambi.

Man, do you even know what classy means? 'Cause
you're always sayin' things are classy when they aren't,

like your "classy" carpeted van.

The shaggin' wagon?

- That had a buttload of class.
- Check it out.

Wait, Michael,

these are all pictures of you.

Yeah, I was the only thing
not covered in slime.

Oh, here's one of Brooke's boobs.

Where did that one of Brooke's boobs go?

Oh, here we go.

Here's a picture of the kid.

Nice, Kelso. She's got Brooke's eyes

and your fondness
for mooning the camera.

Oh, Michael, she is adorable.

Hey, I brought cigars to celebrate.

- Ooh, sweet.
- Fun.

I love cigars.

I hate cigars.

This is way worse than what
we usually do in the circle.

It tastes disgusting. It smells rank.

It doesn't even make stuff funny.

This should be illegal.

I hate this.

It's like smoking a dirty sock, only easier.

I love cigars.

I'm good at everything!

I just threw up a little.

That 70's show - Saison 7 Episode 3
(I can't get no) Satisfaction

Synchro par Kiff
Correction par Guzo

Merci a Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

"Out of business"?

I can't believe it. I loved this
place. How could this happen?

Red, it's not your
ancestral home.

Well, what kind of a town is this anymore
if we don't even have a muffler shop?

A loud one.

Oh, cheer up. Maybe
this is good news.

Ooh, what if something fun opens
up here next, like a button shop?

We could come here as a family and just
dig and dig through big drawers of buttons.

I think it sounds fun.

Okay, you guys, I made a list of all the things
I want to do on my year off. Check out number five.

"Jump into my car through the
window like the duke boys."

No, no, no, no.

No, I already did that.
That should be crossed off.

Number six.

"Vandalize a local business."

Yes, and today I happened to see
an out-of-business muffler shop.

Imagine the muffler shop signs

with the "l-e-r"

scratched off the word "muffler."

Eric...

No, that's gross.

What's gross? I don't get it.
I want to know what's gross.

"Replace your old muffler"

without the "ler"?

"Replace your old mu.."

Oh, I get it.

I get it.

Okay. You know I'm digging
the new whimsical Eric, but

don't you think you could find a prank
that isn't highly offensive to women?

Donna, you're asking me to play
tennis without a racket here.

Okay, what if..

what if you took "m-u-f" off the front of "muffler"
so the sign says stuff about "flers"? Right?

That's french for "flowers," and people will be really
mad if they thought it was a french flower shop.

Huh?

Yeah, that sucks. Yours is funny. Go.

I never thought this would happen, but
I have officially become more attractive.

Tonight, I have a date with a chick who called my
single fatherhood the cutest thing she'd ever heard of.

You know, I don't know why more guys don't
impregnate women and then not marry them.

Maybe because it's irresponsible
and shortsighted.

Okay, I might be irresponsible,
but my vision is perfect.

"Trade in your used muffler."

It's brilliant.

He's right. I am delighted and
disgusted at the same time.

It's just nice to finally feel that
way when I'm not alone.

- Hey, uh, let me ask you guys a question about my dad.
- Shoot.

How often are you supposed to talk to the man who impregnated
your mom before she married the man you thought was your father?

Um, I could check with some folks
in Kentucky and get back to you.

I could give you the number of some
first cousins who got married.

Thanks, man. I don't really
want to talk to your parents.

Oh! Good burn.

Okay, ice cream's finished. Bubble gum,
I will save you for later. Guys, let's do this.

"Winterize your muffler."

You know, I almost hope we get arrested.
I really want this on my record.

Well, it's clear these baby pictures
are having the desired effect.

Oh, here's another one after we
hosed her off and warmed her up.

Oh, she's so cute.
Almost as cute as you.

Yeah, she wishes.

Oh, my gosh! I had that same
blankie when I was a baby.

My daddy used to wrap me in it after my bath.

Your daddy?

Oh, my god.

You're--you're somebody's daughter?

So?

So I'm thinking about how I would feel
if my baby girl was out with a guy like me.

And it is not good! I'm all hands!

That's okay, because I want you to...

Dude, that is not what that is for!

Look at you,

with your bright eyes and your rosy cheeks.

I think vandalism really agrees with you.

Well, Donna, I think I've really turned
a corner here. I'm tough,

I'm gritty...

okay, I've got paint under my fingernails.

I may need to borrow
my mother's manicure set.

No, leave it. It makes you
look dangerous. Like...

like you don't even know
what a manicure set is.

Donna, you got a little something
on your face. I got it.

Kitty, come on in here.

Boy, have I got big news.

- What's going on?
- We just came from the bank.

You know that muffler shop
that went out of business?

I bought it.

Oh, no!

Do the oh, no
oh, no!

Do the oh, no
oh, no!

Come on!

Everybody.

Do the oh, no
say what?

Do the oh, no
right now

What the hell?

Yeah, "What the hell?" Is right.

Who would do such an irresponsible and

ironic thing?

Certainly not anyone I would
want to make out with.

I mean the opposite of that.

Okay, you gotta admit it.
This one's pretty funny.

I'm sorry. I love wordplay.

I don't get it.

What's so funny about a muff?

- Kitty...
- I mean, muffs aren't funny.

I have a beautiful gray one
that I have been using for years.

For the love of god,

please.

- Just tell me what's so funny about my...
- Nothing.

Nothing is funny.

Exactly.

Would you look at this?

Bubble gum ice cream?

Okay,

good start.

Now let's fan out and
search for more clues.

So then I realized that Kimberly
is some guy's daughter.

Yeah, he probably loves her
as much as I love my daughter,

and then I had to go and take a boiling hot
shower and scrub until a little skin came off.

So the joy of having a daughter
has come with some tragedy.

You can no longer treat women
like meaning less whores.

Sucker!

Steven, see, fathers love their children,

just like your new daddy
loves you, so call him.

No.

Steven, you never do anything I say.

If you were a dog or someone who worked for me,
I'd smack you in the nose with a newspaper.

All right,

you guys, this is serious! I may
never be able to have sex again,

now that I realize that women
are more than just sex objects.

Hey, is this like the time you realized you wanted to be
a cop or like the time you realized that you were a robot?

My eyes were red in all of my pictures.

You know, I just don't believe
that you've changed this much.

For example,

what would you do if I were
to lean way over like this?

What are you doing?
Grab it, man!

I can't! I respect women now!
Listen, what am I gonna do?

It's no big deal, man.
You can, um, just...

- ...never have sex again.
- With this body?

All right, the people would
riot in the streets.

You know, you could engage
in a meaningful relationship.

Donna, this is no time for
your feminist mumbo-jumbo.

Okay, wait, you guys,
he doesn't wanna change.

He wants to feel like he's respecting women
while still acting like a shallow creep.

You know, you've always gotten me, Jackie.

That's it. I need a loophole so I can keep doing
what I'm doing without being a bad father.

The father!

The father is the key.

Oh, so we kill the father.

Yeah, that's.. that's not what I meant.

Oh, me either.

Well, of course Steven should call his dad.

I know, but he won't do it,
and I've tried everything...

nagging him, poking him, smacking him.

You know, my bag of tricks is empty.

Well, he needs a father.

The day is fast approaching when someone's gonna
have to talk to him about the birds and the bees.

Well, actually, Mrs. Forman...

yes, it's fast, fast approaching.

- Oh! Here he comes. Okay, please do something.
- Okay. I'm good at this.

Oh, this is Steven's father, you say?

You really wanna talk to him but
he has to call you first, you say?

Mrs. Forman?

I know you're not really
on the phone with my dad.

Oh, you do?

Oh, you do?

Well, you're right.

- I thought you said you were good at this.
- He is a lot savvier than Eric.

Why can't you guys just let me
do things my own way?

Because I know meeting
your dad meant a lot to you.

And every time something means a lot to you,
you push it away before it can push you away.

And every time something means a lot to me,
I smother it, which is why we're such a good couple.

Fine.

I'll call, if you both promise to stop bothering
me about it and let me do it by myself.

- Absolutely.
- Anything you want.

I wish I had a camera.

Can I just get a picture
of you holding the phone?

- I'm hanging up.
- We're going. Going.

Yeah, hi. William Barnett, please.

Hey, man, it's Steven.

Tell him you love him!
Daddy, daddy, he loves you!

Hello, sir. I'm here to pick up Kimberly.

And I figure if I'm up-front
with you about my intentions,

we can all feel good
about our date.

Now

I'm about to do things of a sexual
nature with your daughter.

And even though she does
those things... with everyone,

I have a new respect for the father/daughter
relationship now that I have a daughter...

out of wedlock. I'm no longer
with the mother. Don't worry.

So I figure with your permission, I can
proceed to pleasure her time and time again.

What do you say?

I can't believe Red
bought the muffler shop.

All right, that's it. New
Eric's out, old Eric's back.

I should probably just
go upstairs and

think about what I've done.

Come on.

You can't turn back now.

You're like an explorer,
discovering a new you.

When Columbus discovered america instead
of the west Indies, did he go to his room?

No, he waded into Mexico
and stole all of their gold.

Okay, I'm not following.

I think it's hot when you do naughty
stuff, and I want you to keep doing it.

You know what? It is hot.

And I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it.
I mean, how often was I hot before?

Almost never, right!

But now I am hot, and hot..

I will stay.

Let's celebrate.

one of Red's beers?

There's a new sheriff
in town, little lady.

Well, if it isn't my son the vandal.

You know, I oughta vandalize
your ass with my foot.

Look, I said I was sorry
and I'd fix up the shop.

Come on, dad. Aren't we..

aren't we getting a little old
for this whole dance?

I mean, here we are, shaking
our booties, and I mean...

disco's dead.

You're not taking dance
classes again, are you?

No.

I'm saying here's
what's gonna happen.

You're gonna accept my
apology, man to man,

and then sit down with
me and my girl here

and enjoy this beer.

No.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You are gonna put down that
beer and go to your room.

Or...

here's what's gonna happen.

I am gonna go to my room,

but first...

I'm gonna chug this beer.

Chug it, Eric.

Okay, that's really fizzy.

But I think I made my point.

Now you put some saran warp on that.

And I will finish it later.

I will have you know that my friend Linda
just filled me in on some slang words

that some people in
my family find funny,

and now I can never feel
comfortable with my muff again.

- Mom, you..
- Don't laugh, mister.

When you were a baby, I used to put
you in it when you got out of the tub.

Okay, this isn't funny anymore.

Stop!