That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 17 - Down the Road Apiece - full transcript

Okay, I don't understand why you're
taking a video camera on a road trip.

You should be packing
more sensible items, like

toilet paper
and your mother.

Look, mom, accept it. I'm going.
Okay, my year off is now officially over,

and I think I've finally decided on a sensible career
that's gonna provide me with a really stable future.

I'm gonna be a traveling
documentary filmmaker.

Oh, come on.
You made that up.

Hey, Kitty, I'm going
ice skating on a rainbow!

Eric, don't listen to him.

I have complete confidence you're gonna be
the best traveling docu-whatsit-who-maker ever.

Thank you.



Do you have
enough money?

Mom, I don't need
that much money.

I'm sure that at
stops along the way,

strangers will just offer me hot pots of beans
in exchange for colorful stories from the road.

Hot pots of beans?

What if they're spicy? You can't
even chew cinnamon gum.

Okay, that's it. I'm going.
Uh, I'll miss you.

Well, thank you, sweetie.

Um, I think he was
talking to me.

He was not.

Eric, who were
you talking to?

Yeah, who?

It's times like this
I usually fake chest pains.

Uh, I was talking to...



the prettiest girl
in the driveway, that's who.

So, okay,

I want you to promise to
call me every night at 9:00.

Oh, he can't be calling you
because he's calling me at 9:00.

That's why I got him
that watch as a gift.

Well, maybe he should be calling the
person who gave him the gift of life.

So you squeezed out a baby.
That was a hundred years ago.

People have landed
on the moon since then.

Hey, Eric,

I'm gonna miss you, man.
Hey, uh, just between friends,

I want you to know I'm gonna
take a shot or two at Donna.

He won't care.

On the road, he's going to meet
lots of horny girl hitchhikers

looking for a ride
to cheerleading camp.

What makes you
think that, Fez?

Adult films.

Oh.

Hello, America,
and welcome

to Eric Forman's

journey to happiness,

not to be mistaken
with Eric Forman's

journey to fatso burger

or Eric Forman's journey to pee
behind the piggly wiggly, which, uh,

which you just
saw earlier.

I'll tell ya, being on
the road like this

really makes you
feel like a man.

Ahem.
I guess I'll just

have to edit that
part out later.

Okay, I think what we've learned today is
that the road can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

She caresses your tire with her...

asphalt hand one minute,

punctures it the next.

But, hey,

at least that didn't stop me from
making it out of Point Place.

I think what we've learned today is that the
road can be a cruel, cruel mistress. Oh hey,

at least that didn't stop me
from making it out of Point Place.

That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 17
"Down The Road Apiece"

Traduction par Guzo
Synchro par Kiff

Merci ? Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

You know, Steven, it's great
we can still hang out.

We're kinda like
Sonny and Cher.

We're together even though
we've broken up.

I'm beautiful.
You're weird-looking.

Look, they're talking.
Maybe we should..

Okay,
we're going upstairs.

Why?

Uh, uh, I just remembered that I- I can't
be in the basement 'cause

I'm uncomfortable
below sea level.

That's the best
you can come up with?

Just say that we're
going to take a shower.

Wow.

You know, I think this is the
first time we've been alone

together since, uh...

yeah.

Well, maybe we can use this opportunity
to touch base about our feelings.

- Or we can watch TV.
- Great! Oh, I love TV.

Oh, Janie,

it's so hard to be in
the same room with you,

because even though
I'm a rough ne'er-do-well,

my love for you burns like
a fire deep in my soul.

I feel the same, Clyde,

and even though we broke up
because you won't marry me,

I still hope that one day
we'll get back together.

What are the chances of that?

Greetings, gentle viewer.

Road trip update.

About to change
a flat tire, which, uh,

actually reminds
me of a little joke.

How many psychiatrists does it take
to change a flat tire? Well,

see, first, the tire
has to really wanna change.

Good one.

Anyway, what do you say we, uh,
slap a spare tire on this sucker, huh?

It turns out there
is no spare tire.

and, uh, I-

it's, like, pitch
dark out here.

hello?! Hello?!

Okay, there's definitely someone
out there, and, uh,

I don't know who, but I think it's a pretty safe bet to say
that it's probably a convict with a hook for a hand. Hello?!

Okay, buddy, you come one step
closer, I got a tire iron,

and I'll just give it
to you if you'll go away.

Hey, dude.

What are you
doing here, man?

Leo, what are
you doing here?

It's like the universe wanted
us to find each other, man.

Yeah.

So

do I know you, man?

So they're a family
of monsters?

No, they're munsters.

And they're living in a
neighborhood of normal people.

Why don't the neighbors just get together with
some guns and go over there and kill them?

I'm pretty sure they're saving
that for the last episode.

It's 9:15.

Has Eric called?

- He didn't call you?
- No.

I thought sure he would call you.
He's always choosing you over me.

Name one time.

Prom night.

Okay, I haven't heard from him, and I'm starting
to think something bad happened to him.

Red, we have to
go look for him.

Fine. Anything's better
than this crap.

Who wants to see
monsters not get killed?

- Did you ever see the new...
- Have you seen the new...

Go ahead.

- See, the other day I...
- I saw...

You said, "go ahead."

Yeah, I said it to be nice.

My story is much
more interesting.

Well, go ahead, because
I'm not gonna listen.

Well, fine, then,'cause
I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, it's as quiet as a basement
with two former lovers in it.

I can eat the tension
with a fork.

Wouldn't you cut the
tension with a knife?

Why cut it if you're
not gonna eat it?

No, no, Fez, stay. Stay.

Why don't you tell us one of those charming
little stories about your, um, homeland?

Well, in my country, instead
of bathrooms, we just...

he doesn't wanna stay
down here with us.

How would you
know what he wants?

You don't know
what anybody wants.

Oh, this is so sad.

You're at each other's throats
because of these unresolved feelings.

What? No.

Fez, there are
no unresolved feelings.

Really?
Then why are you so tense?

Why is your foot tapping?

Why is your foot tapping?

Because I got
rhythm, baby.

I can never stop
dancing entirely.

You know what, Leo? This is
my first truck stop, and I love it.

It's like,

How do you find
this golden oasis?

I woke up in the
parking lot once.

And these truckers, they're like... they seem like
great salt of the earth guys, you know?

Hey!

Ten-four, good buddies!

Oh, oh, crap, they're looking at me.

No, they're looking at me, man.

Truckers love me.
They think I'm Bob Seger.

You know what? These guys would be
the perfect people to interview for my movie.

- Where's your camera?
- Ah, it's so heavy.

So, uh, Leo, what have you been
doing since you left town?

Ah, just wandering around,
trying to find my place in life.

Yeah, I've been trying to find my
place in life, too. It's like,

you know, like,
where do I fit in?

No, I've been looking
for my house, man.

Boys, need anything else?

Uh, no, we're just waiting for the mechanic I met in the
parking lot to come back with my spare tire and change.

Honey, there's no
mechanic around here.

Uh, no, there is.

it's this skinny guy. I gave him
20 bucks, and he just ran off.

That'd be Earl.

He's a speed freak.

Oh, my god. Leo, that
was my last 20 bucks.

It's okay, man.
Dinner's on me.

Oh, thanks. You'll pay?

No, I mean, I got
spaghetti sauce all over me.

Leo,

look, be serious, man.
What are we gonna do?

I got it.

We'll soak the shirt
in club soda.

Okay,

I'm gonna use my police academy training
to figure out what happened here.

First thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to
lie face down with your hands behind your head.

What if he stopped to take a picture
and he got kidnapped by white slavers?

They're gonna kill him.
He can't do anything!

I told him this
was a stupid idea,

and now we're stuck out
here in the middle of nowhere.

My foot is shaking, it wants
to kick his ass so bad.

I never should have
let Eric go on this trip.

I should have tempted him into
staying home by offering him sex.

I mean, Scrabble.

Oh, look, if my baby being
safe depended on you being loose,

I wouldn't have to worry.

Okay.

I think it's obvious
what happened to Eric.

We got an abandoned car,

a flat tire

and footprints heading
off in that direction.

Mrs. Forman,

your son's been
kidnapped by coyotes.

Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't
change it himself and went off to find some help?

And the coyotes
got him along the way.

Yeah, now you're
thinking like a cop.

I can't believe I'm stuckin a backwoods
truck stop with no money.

You know, if we don't do something, this waitress is
just gonna hand us over to these truckers.

You know, they're all
freaky sexual deviants.

Man, woman, animal...
they don't care, as long as it's warm.

Don't worry, man. I've got an idea
how we can pay for this dinner.

That was a good idea.

Now how are we
gonna pay for dinner?

I think this pretty
much covers your tab.

But if you're interested,
dessert's on me.

In that case,

you'd better soak
your uniform in club soda.

You see?

What an
awesome night.

I am partying in the back
of a truck stop with a

a hippie and a waitress...

who are now making out.

Wow, the fact that I'm here
is not slowing them down at all.

Good god, woman, you buttered
my toast with that hand!

Okay, enough pussy
footing around...

which, by the way, does not
mean what I thought it meant.

Why don't you just
get back together?

You know you want to. I don't even know
why you broke up in the first place.

Because he's an incredibly immature jerk
who can't commit to a future with me.

What she said,
but I agree with me.

Nice rebuttal...

which, by the way, also does not
mean what I thought it meant.

It's hopeless, okay?

We both wanted different
things out of the relationship.

You just have to
remember the good times,

the things that
brought you together.

Jackie, what are some of the things
that Hyde did that you miss?

He never did anything
a boyfriend's supposed to do.

He never bought me a horse.

Okay?

He never rented a plane
to spell "I love you" in the sky.

Oh, and he never even
wrote me a single song.

How would you know? You never stop
talking long enough to listen.

Wait, you wrote me a song?

No.

Okay, okay, okay.
Let's try something else.

I want you to think back. Obviously, there
was something that brought you together.

What was that?

Well, I guess...

I guess I like the way his scruffy
beard felt on my soft, creamy,

porcelain skin.

Yeah, I kinda
liked that, too.

I also kinda like the fact that she
was technically still with Kelso.

And I knew being with
him would piss off my mom.

And all my friends.

Oh, and we had
to keep it a secret.

And I felt kind of
ashamed of myself.

So did I.

I kinda liked that, too.

So did I!

Oh, that's just so wrong.

Which is what
made it so hot.

So hot.

Oh, Fez, you should
have been there.

Several times I was.

All right, listen,

this type of establishment
is well known to criminals, okay?

So I want you to stay close,
and if there's any trouble,

I'm gonna use you guys
as a human shield.

I don't like the looks
of these people.

They seem like they could tease a polite young man about
his sweater and then laugh when he starts to cry.

Where is my baby?

See, that's the problem.

Maybe if you didn't baby Eric so much, he
wouldn't have had to leave to prove himself.

Well, maybe if you hadn't exhausted
him with your sexual demands,

he wouldn't have had to leave
just to get some sleep.

All right, that's
enough, you two.

If Eric's in trouble,
he deserves it,

because he should
know better by now.

You sound like
you don't care at all.

It's not a matter
of not caring.

It's a matter
of not giving a crap.

Hey, Red,

they got "Rhinestone cowboy."
Toss me a quarter.

Shut up.

For your information,

Eric comes after me a
lot more than I go after him.

You know, all you
damn redheads are the same.

You can color it blond,
but it's still there.

Well, it turns out

I have a couple of problems with
being a traveling documentary filmmaker.

One...

The traveling.
It's exhausting.

Two...

Documentaries.
I only like ones that are...

You know,
about monkeys.

And three...

Filmmaking. If there's no
space battles, I mean,

you know, really,
what's the point?

I'll tell you something.
This day has not been a waste.

I realized what I really
wanna do with my life

is just get the hell
out of Point Place.

I'm ready to do that.

I really feel
like this trip

made me a man.

- Eric?!
- Mommy?

Thank god
you're okay.

- Oh, dad, I'm fine.
- Not you. The car.

Eric, your mom
called me a whore.

Only because I was worried about you
and because I love you more than she does.

Worried? What...

What did you guys
think happened?

Well, we figured you
were either dead,

alive or kidnapped
by coyotes.

Looks like I was
right on the money.

Hey, I got that
waitress's phone number.

- Leo?
- Leo?

Hey, it's great
to see you guys.

It's great to
see you, Leo.

So do I know you, man?

Okay, here's
what I think.

You two were hot for each other when the
relationship was secret, forbidden, taboo.

But when it was out in the
open, the thrill was gone.

It was no longer taboo.

Then you started pushing for commitment,
and you started pulling away.

Hmm.

So how do we
move on from here?

Move on?

There will be no moving on.

Your relationship is one of the sickest
freakin' things I've ever seen.

You're two deeply disturbed
individuals, and your union...

well, your union
was a blasphemy.

So you're saying that if
we hooked up again,

it'd be even wronger
than before?

It can get wronger?

Well, that's kinda hot.

Fez, I think maybe you should
leave the room now.

Oh, no, no, you two cannot get together.
I can't watch. I'm leaving.

Hey, who am I kidding?

I can watch all night.

Hey.

Look who I found
by the side of the road.

Leo.

Man, what are you doing
back in town?

I'm not really sure, man.

Yeah, I can't tell
if he has amnesia,

or if he's just
perfectly fine.

Well, I'm glad
you're back, man.

Feeling's mutual, man.

Hey, wait a second.

You're Hyde, man.

Hey!