That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 16 - On with the Show - full transcript

Hey, Fez, you know
what was awesome?

That time
you rode that tree.

How did he ride a tree?

Oh, he climbed it,
Kelso cut it down.

You guys have
a million stories

and you know each other so well.
It's like you have your own language.

I don't even understand
half the things you say.

If you understand anything that Fez says,
you're the only one. Burn!

Oh, Kelso can't understand me? Now I know
how it feels to be a book. Ah-burn!

See? Man, I wanna burn somebody
so I can be part of the gang.

This gang?



Angie, the only reason this gang formed
was because no one would let us into their gang.

We're like the chess club,

but better looking and...

dumber.

Hey.

Hey.
Um,

so was there somethin' you wanted to say to me
the other day at the record store?

Oh, yeah.
I wanted to talk to you about...

ABBA.

ABBA?

No, you said you wanted
to talk about us.

Right.

Our feelings
about ABBA.

You know what?



Good. Great. Believe me, I don't
wanna talk about us, either.

Come on, Angie. We were supposed
to open the record store,

oh, about seven hours ago.

You told me you wanted to tell Hyde
that you still love him and you wanted him back.

Yeah, well, it's obvious
he doesn't want me back.

So you better not tell him what
I said, or I'll be humiliated.

My lips are a seal's.

Don't you mean
that your lips are sealed?

I'm not hearing
the difference.

Great. Anyways, you guys,
I have huge news.

You know how Point Place cable
has that public access channel?

Yeah! Donna, didn't your dad do, like,
a belly dancing show there?

He guest-hosted.
Shut up.

Anyways,

I'm gonna have
my own show!

Just like Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, except I won't stop for commercials 'cause
no one really wants to take a break from me.

I don't know. That week you were
in Florida.. That was a nice, quiet week.

Have you been
in bed all day?

Yeah, I have.

I've been reading the Jack Kerouac
classic "On The Road."

See, as I see it,

why get out of bed

when you can read about people
who got outta bed?

You have got to be the laziest
non-communist I've ever met.

And you are about to read
a book that my foot wrote.

It's called
"On The Road To In Your Ass."

Okay, now, Red, please, let's

hold off on the cursing
until happy hour.

This year-off crap
better come to an end

or I'm gonna put
you in a box

and mail ya to
the marines.

Oh, don't worry, honey.

Your father's too cheap
to mail something that heavy.

He just wants you to have
some direction, and so do I.

And you are in luck because
I got the new issue of "Cosmo."

Oh. Well, I'm just not sure I need
seven new ways to please my man.

No.

No.
Honey,

it's a job aptitude test.
Okay,

question number one:

Do you consider
yourself creative?

- Well...
- Yes!

You were a little
wiz at macaroni art.

Do you prefer to work
alone or with others?

- Alone.
- Nope.

You love people.

Okay, question three:
Do you...

Well, that's easy.

Look, mom, I'm happy
just enjoying my world.

I'm like an explorer I'm exactly
like Christopher Columbus,

except, you know,
I've

I've been incredibly
distracted by television.

Okay! All done.

Now, according
to your answers...

you should be a nurse!

That 70's Show - Saison 7 Episode 16
"On with The Show"

Traduction par Guzo
Synchro par Kiff

Merci ? Raceman

Pre?asoval / Retiming
blsho

Okay, Fez, since you're
helping me with set dressing,

I want the set to reflect
my sparkling personality.

I want it to say
"Jackie."

Okay, let me see. Maybe some
glitter, a disco ball...

uh-huh. I want a big sign
that says "Jackie."

I hate this room.

It reminds me of my dad dancing around
half-naked with finger cymbals.

Well, my show is
gonna be a news show

all-nude or just topless?

Not nude.. News!

I'm not hearing the difference.

Jackie, how are you gonna tell people
the news if you don't know any news?

I know all the news that's really
important, like

who's got a new car, what store is
having a sale on leggings

and, uh,

and if there'll ever
be peace in the middle-east.

who am I kidding?
No one cares about China.

Hey, Eric, can I have
some of your fries?

Sure.

Well, I don't
want any. Burn!

I think you're confusing
a burn with just talking.

Eric, can I have some fries?

Yeah, help yourself.

Burn!

Yeah, um, I knew you were gonna
do that so I spit in 'em. Burn!

Totally.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You ate his spit!
Burn!

Uh, that's a piggyback burn.
We don't do that.

Come on Angie.

You've gotta do inventory
in the store room

and I gotta go
sleep behind a box.

Man, you want to, uh,
catch a movie or something?

Nah. I gotta go down
to the police academy.

They're gonna teach me
what prisoners feel like.

Guys are gonna handcuff me
to a flagpole for a few hours.

It's not in the curriculum,
but they say it's required.

Hey, uh...

I'm sorry, are you reading
the new "Mighty Spectaculus"?

Yeah. You a fan?

When trouble arrives
by car or bus, we summon...

- The mighty spectaculus!
- The mighty spectaculus!

They call me
Eric Forman.

Stew Bailey.
No relation to beetle.

Hey, Stew, I mean,
if you're interested,

they're havin'a spectaculus spectacular
down at the atomic comic book nook.

You're probably..

You probably have to get
back to work or something.

I don't have to be anywhere.
I don't have a job.

How old are you?

Well, let's just say I'm two years
older than professor Reveng-O.

36.

S-so then, Stew,

what do you do all day?

You're lookin' at it.

Oh, we're gonna
be good friends.

Fez,

Jackie's show is about to start.
Aren't you supposed to be helping her?

She asked me to make a giant sign with her
name on it, so I said, "You got it baby!"

so then I went
to get some ice cream

and then I went to play
some space invaders

and, um, and then I came
here to watch the show.

I could never be on TV,
unless it was Johnny Carson

Because I have a very funny story about
a cheeto that looked just like Jesus.

So, Fez...

You've been hanging out
a lot lately with Jackie.

Any idea what she wanted to talk to me about
at the record store the other day?

Um, I don't know. I was there.
I mean, I-I wasn't there. I, uh...

I was, uh, I was away...

on business.

Well, if she wanted to get back together,
that's something I wouldn't mind knowing.

So why don't you just go
ahead and spill the beans?

Beans?

What beans?

The only beans
are in your head,

You little bean-head!

Anyway..

I opened the bag, and there he was:
the beard and everything.

Oh, Oh!

Jackie's
about to start.

Okay, Jackie,
are you ready?

Yeah, of course. I've got
this thing's down path.

Okay, so after
the weather report,

I'm gonna get into the problem
with the spirit squad.

They're all fat.

That's my commentary.
I'm anti-fat.

Okay.

Ten seconds until you're on the air,
offending thousands of people.

Thousands of people?

In 5... 4... 3...

You didn't say 2 or 1.

It's because you're on now!

Well, but I'm not...

Hi.

I'm Backie Jurkhart.

Jackie Burkhart!

- What?
- It's your name!

- I know what my name
- you said Backie Jurkhart.

Okay, stop talking
or you're fired!

Fine.

You're on your own.

I'm what?

Oh dear...

She's not so good.

She's sweatin'
like Muhammed Ali

cut to her boobs.

Oh, who's directing
this thing?

Well, guess we can't just sit and talk
about comic books all day.

Let's do some"star wars" trivia. Go.

Oh, I got a stumper.

Who is Luke and
Obi-Wan's nemesis at...

Doctor Evazan.

Man, you're good.

Look, let me ask you a question.

Some people think that

if I keep living, you know,
"without a purpose"

that I'll be all,

I don't know,
unfulfilled and stuff.

Do you ever
feel unfulfilled?

I've seen "Star Wars"
in seven different states.

I even met the midget
that they stuck inside R2-D2.

What could be more
fulfilling than that?

I don't know.

Hey, dorks.

Listen, uh, Angie had
a really rough day at work,

so I'm gonna rub her feet and you might wanna
clear out before I start rubbin' other stuff.

Eric, come over later.
We'll game.

Who was that guy?

That's this guy St..

I don't care! Burn!

Angie, you're cute as a button,
but you burn like a botard.

Look, if you wanna burn someone, you gotta
embarrass them to make other people laugh.

You want to combine the elements
of humiliation and surprise.

Dude, what the hell?

Burn!

Oh, hey.

Jackie, uh,
I saw your show.

It isn't as good
as a lot of other shows.

No.

It was great for people who think
regular TV is too entertaining.

I freaked out.

I mean, the cameras turned on
and I realized I'm completely alone.

I'm alone on TV
and I'm alone in real life.

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Burn!

Oh, my god!

Uh...

uh, I forgot to tell you the part about you
don't burn someone who's already crying.

Okay,

best side kick..
Robin or Aqualad?

Ooh.

Uh, toughie. Is the villain
they're fighting terrestrial

or Aquatic?

Stewie, you didn't tell me
you were having a friend over.

Eric, this is my mom.

Y-you still live
with your mom?

Oh, she's more
than just my mother.

She's my best friend.

She's your best friend?!

Well,

you're givin' her
a run for her money.

Okay, I gotta go.

Are you sure?

I was about to make sandwiches
in the shape of x-wing fighters.

Uh,

no, really. Well...
no, I gotta go.

What are you doin'?

I'm throwin' out
all my comic books.

I saw my future today and...

well, it's living
with its mother.

Yeah, well, I saw my future
and it sweats.

Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.

You sweat?

Uh, would you happen to
have a picture, some

tape of this that
I could laugh at?

Eric, I tried to have
my own TV show,

and I failed.

My life is over. I'm not
good enough to be on TV.

No, Jackie...

Okay, come on.

You're good-looking,

you're incredibly superficial
and you lie constantly.

I think you're
perfect for TV.

Do you really think so?

Yeah.

I mean...

Jeez, look, at least you're
doing something with your life.

I have wasted
an entire year.

Eric, let me stop
you right there,

okay? Since you were kind enough to
cheer me up when my spirits were low,

I'm gonna go.
Thanks!

Hey, Forman, let me
ask you a question.

What do you think
about me and Jackie?

Well, man, you
know what I think.

I think that Jackie
is evil incarnate.

I think that if you were to cut
off one of her hands, it would

probably grow back
into another Jackie.

Look, before Jackie,

you were just some
pissed-off guy in my basement.

But with her...

I mean, you seemed
happy, man.

Hey, I was never happy.

I was just less pissed off.

Hyde...

I lied to you when I told you
that I was away on business.

No.

Yes.

And I know what Jackie
wanted to tell you.

She still loves you.

What?

Yeah. She said she was wrong
and that she wanted you back.

She was vulnerable,

so I tried
to french her.

But no-go.

Shouldn't Jackie
be here by now?

Yeah. She's supposed to
go on in, like, a minute.

I don't think
she's gonna show up.

What?

No! But we were gonna do
this whole segment on sluts.

And I was gonna be
the slut expert.

That's the only kind of expert
I'm ever gonna be!

Hey. Jackie, I can't believe
you showed up.

I can't believe i showed up.

What am I doing with my life?

Okay, come on, people.
We got a show to do.

okay.
In 3...

Hi,

I'm Jackie Burkhart, and here's
all the news you need to know.

This just in:
slacks are out.

So, ladies, shave those
legs and put on a skirt!

Up next,

senior correspondent michael Kelso joins me
for a very exciting segment I like to call

"Slut

or not."

Michael, welcome.

Hi, Jackie.

Ladies.

Okay,
let's get started.

Marcy Cavanaugh.

Slut.

Susie Rice.

Slut.

Hey, could you
zoom out a sec?

Ooh, Jenny Keene.

Partly slutty with a chance
of severe sluttiness.

Angie, what the hell?!

Burn?

Burn!

Well,

there you have it, America...
your first televised burn.

Up next, a hard-hitting segment
called "Girls with moustaches."

Don't touch that dial,
sherry papadakis!

Hey, man,
is Jackie around?

Hey.

Yeah, but I thought
you weren't talking to her.

you're gonna make up
with her, aren't you?

Oh, you're gonna tell
her that you love her!

And your little sunglasses
are gonna get all fogged up.

Jackie, there's someone
here to see you.

Hey.

Uh, I thought maybe
we would talk for a minute.

Is it about my show?

'Cause it was awesome!
Steven,

I went on and I did great,
and I did it on my own!

I mean, I've never been more
proud of myself in my entire life.

I'm gonna do
great on my own.

I'm sorry. What did you want
to talk to me about?

Well,

um...

I just wanted to say
congratulations on your show.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Did you see Michael
with his pants down?

No.

But I don't need
a TV to see that.

Bye.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the full
half-hour of "Slut or not."

I've got a phone book here and a wealth
of experience with fooling around,

so let's get started.

"Beverly Addison."

I don't know her personally,
but I've heard she has a tattoo.

So congratulations,
Beverly Addison.

You are a slut.

What the hell
happened to this country?

I know Beverly Addison, and
I'm glad somebody finally said it.