That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 7, Episode 11 - Winter - full transcript

Guys, check it out.

Somebody just left all these
toys at the police station.

Guess they figured if cops
have something to play with,

Then we won't stress out and
accidentally shoot somebody.

Or, and stay with me here,
inspector meathead,

Maybe these toys
are for the toy drive.

Yeah, Kelso,

These toys are probably all those
needy kids get on Christmas morning.

Holy crap! Is that an
Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle?

Oh, my god!
Let's set it up.

We have to find something for Evel
Knievel to crash into, like something funny.



Fez, lie down over here
and close your eyes.

Oh,

Man, I feel just like
a kid on, like,

I don't know, like some morning where
kids get to open a lot of presents.

I don't feel
right about this.

Oh, buddy, we're not
gonna aim it at your head.

No, I'm not worried
about my head.

Awesome. He's not worried about
his head. Let's aim it at his head.

No, I just don't feel right about
taking these toys away from kids.

Oh, but, Fez,

This could be the Christmas
that I never had.

My parents wouldn't get me cool stuff
when I was a kid. Every year,

I got a raincoat.

And then to make
sure it worked,



We had to go outside and Red
would spray me with a hose.

Yeah, Fez, what about
my Christmas, man?

I mean, I'd wake up in the
morning, rush out in my P.J.S

And find what strange man Santa had
left laying underneath my mother.

Fine. We'll each open
one present, but only one.

All right.

Look at what
we've done.

What should
we do now?

We need batteries.

A buttload.

Thanks for helping me with my
Christmas party, girls.

You know, this is the most important event
of the year for the ladies of Point Place, or

As we like to call
ourselves, the Lopps.

You know, the Lopps are known for
being super stuck-Up and totally 2-Faced.

I can't wait
till I get in.

Hey,
mrs. Forman,

I need, like,
a buttload of batteries.

What for?

Oh, um,

Kelso wants to see how badly
he can shock himself.

Oh,

Okay, they're
in the drawer.

Oh, hey, Steven, don't forget about the
ladies of Point Place party tonight.

Oh, yeah,
I forgot.

I can't go. Something
more important came up.

But you
promised you'd go.

Jackie,

If I promised,

I clearly
wasn't listening,

Which you should
have known, so

This is
your fault.

I can't believe Steven.

He knows this is a big deal
to me, and he doesn't even care.

Jackie, don't be
so hard on him.

I know it's a big deal
to you, and I don't care.

Knock, knock.

Patty Ryals, I didn't know
you were back in town.

Well, you always return
to where you were young,

Which I know for you,
Kitty, is a long time ago.

Actually, I just dropped by to tell you I'm taking
over tonight's ladies of Point Place Christmas party.

What? No, I'm
in charge.

Past tense.

The Lopps remembered that
you aren't the most reliable

L. Of P.P. After I reminded them
about the punchbowl incident of 1973.

You dredged up
my chappaquiddick?

What did
Mrs. Forman do?

She spiked the
wrong punchbowl.

I missed the sixth grade Christmas play
'cause I couldn't walk a straight line.

Verti-Bird central,

You are cleared
for take off.

Prepare to
transport funyun.

We have visual.
Funyun's remaining secure.

Verti-Bird to Kelso,
prepare to receive funyun.

Roger that.
Awaiting funyun.

Funyun's under attack!
Funyun's under attack!

Steady with
the funyun.

Houston, the
funyun has landed.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

What's going on?

Eric flew a funyun
into my mouth.

This is what's more important
than going to a party with me?

Jackie, I think
you're overreacting...

And, yes.

You guys seriously
need to grow up.

Okay,

I think someone's a little mad that
we didn't fly a funyun into her mouth.

Okay, Steven, I'm going
to that Christmas party,

And if you don't come with me right
now, you are in so much trouble.

Right now.

I'm opening the door.

I'm stepping outside.

I'm closing the door.

You are in so
much trouble!

Yeah, I thought
Steven was maturing.

He's out of high school,
he's got a job

And lately he's even been taking
his sunglasses off inside the house.

That's real
progress, Donna.

Well, maybe what's going on with Hyde is the
same thing that's going on with my boyfriend,

Lieutenant funyun.

I bet it's that
stupid Kelso.

He's always talking
them into having fun.

Steven should not be having
fun. He should be with me.

Okay, girls, time
to get to the party.

Well, Jackie, look, I think Eric and Hyde
are feeling the pressures of life

And they wanna
have one last blowout.

Okay, Steven does not need a blowout.
He needs a kick in the nads.

It's Christmas.

At holiday time,
we say

He needs a kick
in the sleigh bells.

Kitty, these decorations
look awful.

This isn't your living room.
Everything has to match.

You should have mentioned
that to your plastic surgeon.

Jackie Burkhart, welcome to
the Lopps Christmas party.

Where's your boyfriend?

Oh, um, he
can't be here.

He's at rich
stockbroker school.

Well, then I'm just gonna have to seat you
with the single ladies of Point Place.

The Slopps?

Ha!

You're a slopp.

Hey, there, hi, there,
ho, ho, ho, there.

Patty Ryals?
It's me.

Well, yes, Santa,
it's good to see you.

Bob Pinciotti.We
went out that time.

I didn't have the beard then, although
I think I wore a similar Red jacket.

Speaking of which, that's rented,
so try not to sweat through it.

What a woman.

Bad news, Kitty. I went by the police
station to pick up the toys.

They've been stolen.

- What?
- Yeah,

Makes me think the police in
this town aren't that good.

Red, getting those gifts here
was the only job Patty left me.

Okay, you need to go home,
you need to find something,

Anything, to wrap up and
give away at the party.

Oh, fine,

But this counts as one of
your Christmas presents.

This is horrible,

Taking toys
from children.

What kind of monster
would do such a thing?

Argh! I'm
a monster!

It's broken already?

This toy's stupid.

Looks like somebody
needs a nappy-Nap.

No. I wanna open
another present.

Forman, just
take a rest.

I'm not
tired, okay?

Can I have a turn?

I'm playing with it.

You're supposed to share.

I don't wanna.

What the hell?

Where did all
these toys come from?

Well,

Dad, I guess I'm just gonna
have to tell you the truth.

It was Santa Claus.

How could you do this?

I told them it was
wrong. I told them.

But then they drove a toy into my head,
and it was all blurry after that.

These toys were for the needy kids
at your mother's party, you idiot.

Oh, man.

There's, uh,

There's no chance that they
might want a raincoat, is there?

Red,

The thing is is that these toys
are too nice for the needy kids.

You need to start them off
with something simple, like a

A ball of yarn.

Look,

Dad, I think we can safely say that
none of this would have happened

If you had just bought me an Evel
Knievel Stunt Cycle when I was younger.

I bought you
one of those.

Santa left it under
the tree that year when...

Oh, wait.

Okay,

Eric's all tucked in, put out
carrots for the reindeer and

A little wine
for Santa.

Look at this thing
that I got for Eric.

You rev up the bike,
and Evel Knievel goes flying.

In real life, he's a moron,
but as a toy, he's awfully fun.

Let me see if I can make
it over the garage.

Go!

Damn.

I really thought I could
make it over the garage.

Oh, well, everybody
makes mistakes.

I'm gonna give you
a pass on this one.

Just get these presents wrapped up
and over to the community center.

Okay, yeah, we'll
take care of it, dad.

All right,

I think it's clear
what we gotta do.

Yeah.

Can we at least drive the Stunt Cycle
into Fez's head one more time?

What do you
say, buddy?

Well,

It is Christmas.

- Set it up, boys.
- All right.

All right, Kitty,

I brought some stuff from the house
that I'm sure the kids are gonna love.

A cheese grater?

Kids love cheese.

It's like
play-Doh to them.

Look, don't worry. The real
presents are gonna be here soon.

How do you know?

Because you have
to believe, Kitty...

Like me.

Believe in
Christmas.

We need to stall.
Read the kids a story.

Well, I have a book in the car,
but it's about the Korean war.

Well, go get it.

Better those kids suffer emotional damage
than I look bad in front of the Lopps.

Tell you what,

Santa will bring you the bike for
Christmas if you go bring Santa a hoagie.

You know what I'd really like
for Christmas? Patty Ryals.

All you men ever think
about is what you want.

What about
what we want?

Boys never grow up.

You know, one minute they agree
to go to a party with you, and the next,

They're in a basement
full of stolen toys.

And you're no better,

Sitting there pretending
to be Santa Claus.

You're not
Santa Claus?

No. No,
no, he is.

He is, it's
just that

She is the
evil ice witch.

Come on, let's get you
some grown up punch.

Well,

Can't bring these presents
through the front door.

Looks like the chimney's
the only way in.

I love being
on a rooftop.

You can really see the whole
town spread out in front of you.

It really is a crappy
town, isn't it?

All right, who's gonna
take the plunge?

Not me.

If we were jumping off
the roof, I'd do it, but...

This just
seems foolish.

You know what?

I'll do it.

I always wanted to save the day
by sliding down a chimney.

That opportunity
comes up

Surprisingly
rarely.

All right,

I'm gonna do this.

Okay, it looks like it
might be kind of a tight fit.

I don't know if I'm gonna
fit all the way down!

All right,

Toss down the toys.

It's okay, Forman. We're just gonna
sneak them in through the back door.

There's a back door?

Yeah, I saw it
on the way in.

I just wanted to see one of
you guys go down the chimney.

"Blood ran like a river that
day on heartbreak ridge."

"Hundreds of soldiers had given their
lives and limbs trying to take..."

Trying to take
the North Pole.

"The North koreans..."

The North Pole
Korean elves,

"Were weary from
heaton that sun-Baked..."

Snowy Christmas eve.

Kitty, where
are the toys?

Oh, um,

This year in order
to build anticipation,

I hid them
behind the curtain.

You can't see them now,
not because they're not there,

But because they're
behind the curtain...

Hidden.

Well, the children won't wait.
Gladys, open the curtain.

No, no, no.
Wait, wait.

Boys and girls,
I'm sorry.

I'm just, you know, I think
Santa hasn't quite finished...

Christmas

Christmas

Okay, kids,
go get 'em!

Who was in charge of
giving out the toys here?

It was Kitty.

I think she's
been drinking.

Well, it was perfect.

The Lopps would like you
to run our valentine's party.

I'm in charge? Oh!

Oh,

This is the
same as

Lyndon Johnson being sworn in on
the airplane after president Kennedy was...

Well, that was
a tragedy, but

I'm in charge.

You hear that, Patty Ryals?
She's in charge,

So you will be taking
orders from her.

So put that in your
face lift and smoke it.

Oh,

Look at the
two of you.

Isn't this just the
most special Christmas?

Where's Eric?

Yeah, um...

Um,

Yeah,

Just a quick question.

Um, where does that
chimney up on the roof go?

Well, I'm
kind of a

Chimney enthusiast.

Oh, well, that goes into
the bakery next door.

Hello?

Hyde?

Somebody?

I'll be at
the bakery.

Damn, that's a
nice crop of Slopps.

Look at who decided
to finally show up.

Jackie, are
you still mad?

Come on, man, this
is not a big deal.

I mean, six months ago, you would have
thought this was really funny.

Yeah, six months ago.

Steven, you can't
act like this forever.

I need to know the guy I'm in love with
isn't gonna blow me off for a roomful of toys.

That's not a guarantee
I can ever give you.

Well, things are changing, Steven.
I mean, we're practically grown up.

Yeah, and you know what? I'm
just trying to have a little fun before I

Settle down and
life goes to crap.

Is that what you think,
that life with me will be crap?

That's not
what I said.

No, it's okay. At least now
I know how you feel.

Jackie...

I'm sorry I don't
remember our date, barry.

It's Bob.

But

Since it is Christmas eve
and we are both alone,

Would you like
to get some dinner?

I like the way
you're thinking.

Or we could
skip dinner.

Well, I'm more active
with a burger in me.

Hey, Hyde, you and
Jackie fix things up?

I don't know, man.

If she wants to ruin Christmas, fine
by me, 'cause I am not playing her game.

It's the stupid needy kids
who are playing games.

They took all
of our games.

Look what I found in the bakery
curled up in the fireplace.

What the hell?

You guys just
left me there.

If I hadn't landed on,

Well, some of the most delicious
baked goods that I ever tasted,

I very well could
have starved to death.

All right, man, I'll
make it up to you,

'Cause I got a Christmas
present for everybody.

This is one messed
up Christmas, man.

You guys are all starting
to look like elves.

That must have
freaked you out.

It's gonna fall off.

It's okay.

Oh, my god. It
is gonna fall off.

- It's okay.
- Okay.

Let me give you my
recipe for holiday cheer...

Take one slopp,

Add half a bottle
of schnapps,

Then stir freely
with Fez.

It is a
wonderful life.

- Merry Christmas, son.
- Oh, my god.

You finally got me an Evel
Knievel Stunt Cycle.

Ooh, you can go outside in
your new raincoat and give it a try.

Ooh.

Oh, Red, not again.

Well, it's his own damn fault
for wanting a toy that's so fun.