That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 7 - Christmas - full transcript

So you gotta work at the radio
station on Christmas Eve?

God, it's like doesn't anyone respect
the sanctity of that holy night?

We were gonna get drunk and fool around
behind your dad's manger scene.

But this is my first shot at DJ-ing.

If I do well, Hot Donna could be the regular DJ
on Tuesdays from 1 to 5 am.

Every insomniac and burn out in town
is gonna know who I am.

Well say hello to your target audience.

Play more Zeppelin.

You guys, I've got some terrible news.
I've just been kicked off the cheerleading squad.

- Oh my little Jesus!
- Oh no!
- Why?

Jackie I know how you feel,
I once got kicked off a cheerleader.



Well I need to get back on that squad.

They might be a bunch of pom-pom waving bitches,
but they're all I know.

Steven, you've gotta take me to the
"Christmas Eve dance" tomorrow night.

Uh no.

I can either dance with, or spend Christmas Eve with you;
cannot do a combo.

Steven, they will never take me back
if I don't show up all proud.

If you could just see...that this is something
that's...really important to me then...you'd
understand that as my boyfriend...you should go.

Fine!

Please...

Fine!

Hey shut up, if I'm going,
you guys are coming with me.

Oh no, cannot go to a high school dance!

I'm gonna be a father soon
I gotta start acting more mature.

All right, orange!



Yeah, I'm not going either.
The football team and I have a little disagreement.

They think it's funny to stuff me into a locker,

and I disagree!

Yeah man, the day I graduated, I promised myself
I would never set foot in that

God forsaken place again.

Great news, kids.

Red's gonna be the Santa down at the mall on Christmas Eve,
and I've signed you all up to be his little helpers.

Oh, I'm sorry Mom, we're all going to the
Christmas Eve dance at school.

Don't go away kids,
A Year Without A Santa Claus will be right back.

Man, Heat Miser is badass.

So what time are you coming down the station tonight?

Let's see, the Christmas dance starts eight o'clock,
so I'll just come as soon as it gets lame...

say uh 8:02.

Yeah. Hey y'know what, I'll even bring you something
sweet to munch on - oh and some cookies!

What? Oh, What?

Okay now,

please stand still.

Nobody likes a Santa with plumbers butt.

- Why am I doing this?
- Because I wanna force some good cheer through
your clogged arteries and into your cranky heart.

Yeah, it's like Christmas Draino.

I can't believe
you're replacing me as Santa, Red.

Three years and now management says
I'm too jolly?

- What do you want, Bob?
- I want to be Santa!

Well, it's Red's turn this year.

Santa could use an elf.

Fine.But I don't wanna sit in the back and
pretend to assemble toys,

I want to participate.

Yeah Bob, you gotta keep your dignity.

If you're in an elf costume,
you don't want that tiny hammer making you look silly.

Steven, for the Christmas Eve dance...What do you think about this tie...
Maybe this jacket...How about a blazer?
- Fine!

Bolo?

- Fine
- Ok!

Okay Brooke, I made a list of all the reasons
why I'm gonna make a great dad

for our little baby.

Okay number one, I am a waiter,

so we'll never run out of straws.

See, look kids love straws

Michel, look I really appreciate the gesture,
but no thanks.

Seriously, I think if we just hang out,
you'll see that I'm getting a lot more mature.

I mean, just the other day I watched golf,
and took a nap.

Look Michael, if we weren't in this situation
I think you'd be a really good friend.

I mean you're nice, you bring me stuff,dogs love you.

I just think we should limit our time together...

... to almost none.

Alright, how about we make a compromise between
'almost none' and what I want to do, which is 'it'?

Okay, if you want, you can help me hang decorations
tonight for the library's Christmas party.

Spend Christmas Eve in a library?

Why don't you just kick me in the 'nads?

Okay, here comes Julie, the head cheerleader.
Now, Steven make me look good.

- Hello Jackie.
- Hello Julie!

This is my boyfriend,
Steven J. Hyde the third.

First two are in jail.

He pretends to be poor,

isn't that funny?

I have to say, I thought you'd be too embarrassed
to show your face here tonight.

Well to be honest, I only came to see your outfit...
so I'd know what not to wear.

Well, let me show you the back.

You're trying to get back on the cheerleading squad;
shouldn't you be nice to her?

Bitchiness is the only language cheerleaders understand.

These are bad girls, they need to be punished,
and they know it.

Yeah this is way better
than hanging out at the library with Brooke.

Lotta great memories in here.

Did it in there...

did it back there...

got caught by Miss Tompkins doing it down there...

did it with Miss Tompkins over there.

Everyone look for football players,
I cannot spend another holiday in a locker.

And this time if I don't show up for two days,
come look for me.

Oh my God, Eric Forman?

You look great, I love your shirt.

Really?

I wore this shirt for four years,
and no one said a thing.

I guess now you really fill it out.

Thanks.

I'm... I'm like up to seventeen push-ups a night so...

No I don't think that's it.
I think it's because you're not a high school boy anymore.

Yeah, you're eighteen now.
You've seen and done it all.

No, no... yes..

Yes I have.

Hey, you need to watch out okay? Girls are talking to you,
I think there might be a practical joke in the works.

No man, I don't think so.
I think it's cause I graduated.

Hyde, am I cool now?

Well, you're cool like margarine is butter.

Close, but there's a little aftertaste.

Oi, Oi, Oi,

Oi, Oi,

Women to the left of me

And women to the right

Ain't got no gun

Ain't got no knife

Don't you start no fight

'cause I'm T.N.T.

I'm dynamite

T.N.T.

And I'll win the fight

T.N.T.

I'm a power load

T.N.T.

Watch me explode

I'm dirty

mean and might unclean...

You're in the middle of a Christmas Eve rock block
on WFPP with me, Hot Donna.

That was bacon.

I recorded that myself earlier today.

Stay tuned for more Christmas classics with me,
Hot Donna.

I'm sorry but that is just too cool.

Okay, Mr. Clause.

Let's hear your best Santa laugh.

You left out a 'ho', Red.

It's three ho's,
did you even read the Santa manual?

Okay Red, I'm sure you'll do fine.

Just remember Santa is a cheerful, jolly fellow,
who never calls a child dumbass.

So what do ya want for Christmas?

I want a slinky.

A slinky?
Oh you'll get sick of a slinky in a day.

I'm putting you down for flash cards.
Math - that's what you're getting for Christmas. Next!

- I want a pony.
- Ponies die.

What you need is a good pair of boots.

Go on keep it moving.

I want a flying car.

I did too when I was your age, kid.

But then the future came and...

took my dreams away.

Just like it's gonna take yours.

Okay, okay little girl, y'know what?

I bet if you're extra good,
you'll get your flying car one day.

Don't listen to her, it's a lie.

Bad Santa.

Yep, life after graduation sure is sweet.

Some days I wake up and I'm like...

"hey I'm having ice-cream for breakfast"

And you know what, I do.

Wow, so what have you two been
up to since graduation?

She talked to me, what do I do?

Yeah, I got a librarian pregnant.

Damn, good answer.

So, like Eric,
what are your plans for the future?

Well, I guess
I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on, y'know?

I'm thinking about buying a boat.

Okay, we're back and uh,

if my boyfriend's listening you're late and I'm a little worried
you're trapped in a snow drift or something.

So honey if you're cold, I'm with ya baby.

Okay so let's take some requests.
Hello, you're on the air.

Hi, I'd like to dedicate 'He's the Greatest Dancer' by Sister Sledge,
to Eric Forman, the coolest guy at the Christmas dance.

What? He's still at the dance?

Sorry I have to go, he's telling us about his boat.

That sneaky bastard.

Uh, that sneaky bastard Santa Clause is on his way
with a non-stop block of classic Christmas tunes.

And remember you're listening to WFPP with me,
Hot Donna.

You hear that Eric Forman? That's not bacon,
that's your ass when I get a hold of you.

Hey, I brought you something sweet to munch on -

oh and some cookies!

Oh man, I knew that was funny.

Man, I can't stop thinking about Brooke.

I mean, both you and me know
that every girl in here wants me...

except for the couple of weirdo's that seem to want you...

but I don't care about any on them.

Look Kelso, are you sure you don't just have a crush
on Brooke because she's a librarian,

and you've seen some librarian layout in Playboy?

Eric, I'm sure that's part of it.

Whatever, I'm going to the library.

Whoa, that felt weird to say.

Steven you don't look like
you're having a good time.

I'm not.

I know, but I need you to act like you are.

Just think about stuff you enjoy,
like shoplifting or dirty jeans.

Jackie, how come you never to me you
were dating an older man?

Well I guess I was just distracted by the life
I lead outside of cheerleading,

where I do fun and glamorous things,
with my older, mysterious boyfriend.

That's true. Why just last week,
we sat on the couch and had a fight.

I'm jealous.

Ah this dance sucks.

None of the girls remember me,
they all think I'm a waiter.

Hey, I got an idea
how you can get these girls attention.

Oh boy,
does it involve me hiding in the girl's bathroom?

- No!
- Okay, we'll try your way.

And that's what really happened...

in Vietnam!

- I don't understand!
- Neither do I, kid. Neither do I.

Okay little boy, time to say goodbye to Santa.

What's an ambush?

It's a pretty bush with yellow flowers.

Kitty I gotta tell ya, I'm good with kids...

I really taught him something.
Y'know I think I'm beginning to feel the Christmas sprit.

Well I'm glad Red, but let's try telling a Christmas story
where nobody gets caught in a fire fight.

Bob what the hell are you doing?

You're depressing the kids,
I'm Santa now.

Get out of my chair Bob,

or you're gonna get a candy cane up your chimney.

I'm not moving.

Kitty hold my silly red hat.

You're right, I really am funny.

What do you think you're doing?
Eric you never showed up,

I was worried about you.

Well I'm sorry, I guess I lost track of time,
maybe it's because I am a God to these people.

Donna they like this shirt.
This is a horrible shirt.

I gave you that shirt.

I know, I love this shirt.

Eric, I can't believe you let yourself get a swelled head
just because a couple of high school kids think you're cool.

Excuse me, aren't you Hot Donna?
You were so awesome on the radio today.

You really think?

Wait, what's going on?

I think we're in for a treat.

(imitating Elvis Presley)
I'll h-have have-a

blue christmas

Nice decorations.

I see you're using one of the better tasting glues.

What are you doing here?

Oh I just though instead of having
a fun Christmas Eve somewhere else,

I'd rather have a boring one here with you.

But we could have some fun.

Michael, I've told you before,

just because you come to the library after hours,
does not mean I'm gonna walk around topless.

But it's Christmas.

Oh here let me help you with the decorations.

Pregnant women should not be standing on their tip toes,

cause the baby will come out all cross eyed.

Listen, if you think you're gonna get me interested in you
by being cute and making me laugh

...well it's probably gonna work.

But if you screw this up, I'm gonna ruin your credit
with thousands of dollars in library fines.

Fair enough. Well what say we seal this newfound
friendship with a round of topless ornament hanging?

Okay fine, whatever you wanna do...

topless!

This mall is only big enough for one Santa, Bob.

Tell ya what, you name 5 reindeer and I'll step down.

I can name 5 toes that are gonna be in your ass.

Oh for goodness sake, why don't we stop
calling it Christmas and call it Assmas?

Fine, I'll go.

I only got worked up because Joanne's gone,
Donna's working.

The only people I got at home are my two friends,
Egg and Nog.

Alright fine.
You wanna be Santa, go ahead.

- Thanks Red

Yeah it's all for the best,
I've already eaten about 2 pounds of fake beard as it is.

There he is.
Santa's the one that told me communists hate God.

Gotta go Santa.

Merry Christmas, Bob.

Mrs. Clause needs a drink.

And then I push a button,
and it sounds like bacon.

This is so awesome,
we're like a celebrity couple.

- It's intoxicating.
- Donna it is a heady brew.

Hey let's go drink beer in front of some sophomores.
Come on.

Jackie, in light of you showing up tonight with your boyfriend,
who by the way is totally cool, and a fox.

Big newsflash there.

I'd like to invite you to rejoin the cheer squad.

Really?

You know I don't think
I wanna be a cheerleader anymore.

But we hugged and jumped.

Well I'm gonna have to take back that hug
and jump with a pout and a shrug.

Are you telling me
I came to this hell hole for nothing?

No, not for nothing, Steven.

I realised these girls aren't my friends anymore.

I learned something about myself.

Oh, well isn't that ...

Okay, well if it makes you feel any better,
I get to keep the uniform.

Yeah that helps.

You set me up, 'sing a song they'll all love you',
well I'm gonna spend Christmas in a locker.

Oh crap, I'm still on the air!

Hmm.
Jigsaw puzzle.

Baseball glove.

Barbie doll tea set.

- Wow, you're good at this.
- Yeah, I've had a little practice.

Ant farm.

It's a Lone Ranger cap gun set.