That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 8 - I'm a Boy - full transcript
Eric works very late, but the tips are good, to Kitty's relief, and it's an way to escape Donna's elaborate wedding planning. When Donna catches Eric playing poker with Roy and Kelso after work, she's furious and tells Kitty to stop spoiling her 'baby-boy'. Kelso suggests to Brooke some romance and pays so Hyde and Jackie will double-date with them; his own honesty about his colorful dating past makes Brooke run off, but the next day she comes to the hotel. Kitty has Red driven to the doctor by Fez, but on the way back Red stays terribly late with mates, while poor Fez waits in the slowly freezing car.
Gooood morning.
- Try good 13:30.
I'm just so worn out from carrying
around all this tip money. Here you go, mom.
Why don't you, kick up the thermostat
couple deegres on me.
Well,thank you honey. And you have been
such a big help working yourself nearly
to death. I made you
your special sandwich.
- Oooh, "the Eric McSweady".
It's a regular sandwich.
Hold the masculinity.
It's almost time for Red's doctors appointment.
I have to iron his underware.
No crust, check, extra jelly, check.
My mommy loves me. Check.
Eric, wow you look beat. - Yeah, I was working
until like 1:00 last night. - Oh, my poor baby.
I know something that will cheer you up.
Today, I got my first bridal magazine.
We can spend the whole afternoon
talking about wedding stuff.
Like, the groomsmen can wear kilts.
Donna, you know how much I'd love to spend
4-5 hours talking about the wedding,
or clothes, or clothes for the wedding,
but, God I'm so beat from last night.
Okay. Why don't you go back to bad,and I'll
crawl up with you after class, but this time
sweep the bed for GI Joes, cause that last
thing that happened that was unpleasant.
Life is a cabaret, my friend!
You didn't work untill 1:00. We got
off at 22:00 and played poker.
Hyde, let's not wear ourselves
down with the truth here.
When I started working full time, I thought
that my life was gonna be a total grind,
but my mom, Donna,
they can't do enaugh for me.
Look at this. Heart shaped sandwiches.
Donna's giving me sexy naps.
As God is my witness I will never go
hungry or horny again.
Will you please wear the ironed underware.
I have a reputation to protect.
Eric, you're driving me to my doctors appointment.
Please, put on pants.
Eric is a little tired from working so late,
so I found someone else to drive you.
Jump in Smokey,
Bandit's on the move.
Okay Brooke. Here's the thing. We should date.
- Michael, I'm pregnant with your child.
Pretty much the best and worst things
about dating have allready happened to us.
Okay, but we missed out on all the in between.
Like. Okay, we need to spice up our illegitimate pregnancy with a little romance.
I mean, look how much we have in common.
You are having my baby,
and I am the father of your baby.
Okay look, don't pretend you wanna go out
with me just because you feel guilty.
Brooke, I wanna go out with
you cause you're hot.
Okay fine, but I'm not hot.
I've gain six pounds.
That's okay, cause it's mostly in your boobs.
See, nature does this to keep us
guys around while you gals chunk out.
Okay, let's get couple of things straight.
I don't wanna be here,
you don't wanna be here.
- I wan't to be here.
Fine. I don't wanna be here,
and I don't care what you want.
Okay then. Are you buckled up?
- Yes.
Hmm, because the little blinking man
on the dashboard says you aren't.
Buckle up. - No. - Yes.
- No. Look, start this car
or I'm gonna pack you in the crate, take you down to the port and trade you for a year supply of bananas.
Hey. - Hey.
- You awake?
Well, if I were asleep there'd be six
of you all making out with yourselves.
Can't belive how late you must stay at the restaurant.
- Well, you know
that grated cheese you like so much?
Gets grated the night before.
Yeah, little thing we like to call "prep", so.
- I love it when you use restourant talk.
Donna, I have to warn you, I'm exhausted.
So, you're gonna have to do all the work.
Why should today be any different?
I need to know what to do on a first date with a women who is carrying my child?
Hold her while she weeps.
Hey wait, what if you guys came to dinner with me and Brooke? It would make easier to find stuff
to talk about. - No, no man, there is no way
I'm going on a date with your ex girlfriend
who is now my girlfiend,
and your new girlfriend
who doesn't wanna be your girlfriend,
but is pregnant with your child.
It's like hillbilly territory.
I'll pay.
I'm in.
Well then i have to go find something to wear. I mean i'm happy that Brooke's gonna have
a father for her baby and all, but I still have to look prettier than her.
Well I was woken from my afternooon nap by my girlfriend for some afternoon delight,
afterwhich i took another afternoon nap.
You know what i have right in the palm of my hand?
- No one wants to know that. Just wash up.
The secret of life.
You know what? I'm taking this one step
further, fellas. I'm gonna get fat.
Yeah, i'll never be strong,
but i think i can be fat.
That's a pretty thought.
C'mon, Fez, don't be scared.
Go say "hi".
No, he's too fat.
I don't know where his face is.
He can't eat you. He can't even move.
Watch!
That tickles.
Aaah, something's poking me.
GI Joe.
There you are.
What else is in there?
Kelso!
I thought you moved away!
- I've been living on crumbs!
Alright, okay. Laugh all you want but all I
see is a guy who doesn't have to go out of bed
to go to the bathroom... And that's beautiful.
Hey look there's the "Oaks Lodge".
Pull over.
But i thought we would celebrate your good checkup.
There's this pie down at the coffee shop
I've been flirting with for days.
How about this for a celebration, I'm
going in there with my budies and you
wait in the car.
- But that does not sound like fun.
Well, that's how we celebrate in America.
Okay, let's head for home.
So now you're not gonna talk?
- Why should I talk?
My feelings are obviously of no consequence to you.
Alright, maybe I stayed a little
longer then I expected.
Hey look, how about we stop for some pie?
- No.
Oh c'mon, let me get you a pie.
- I am not in the mood.
Oh just let me buy you a...
- There will be no pie!
Wow, good pot.There's gotta
be like 4 or 5 bucks in there.
Yeah you guys are going down.
I gotta a full house.
I mean... What do I got?
Why don't you bet a lot and see.
Kelso, I know you think you got a full house,
but you're only holding two cards.
So I'll raise.
This is great. It's
1:00 and I'm not alone.
I'm not alone. This is great.
Guys I don't wanna brag but my
belt is getting pretty tight.
I think operation "Fat Eric"
is well under way.
What the hell are you doing?
You told me you were working.
I brought you brownies because you told
me you were working your ass off.
And now it turns out you were spending all the time, we could have spent together, with the guys.
And, I gave you daytime sex.
Alright.
Who brought brownies?
Is Eric upstairs?
- Just look for the lump under the cover sucking his thumb.
Hey, you gonna yell? - No, I'm past yelling.
- What's past yelling?
It's the dark side of the moon, my friend.
The place so ugly if it was a women
even you wouldn't have sex with her.
Ahh, that's bad.
How can you sleep untill noon
after what happened last night?
I'm exhausted from loving you so much.
You're completely regressing. You lie around all day
and you act if you'd be happy
to stay in your mothers house forever.
- Look Donna, let me make it up to you.
There's some tip money on the dresser.
Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty?
Don' worry, we can still hear!
Eric, what is happening to you?
- Look Donna, I'm sorry but I'm not regressing.
You gotta understand I'm the
man of this house now.
Okay, who is ready for a Spidey
and a sandwich? - Me!
Mrs. Forman, your son is a big lazy chump because
you keep babying him. - I don't baby him.
Is there a crust on that sandwich?
Well of course not. Crusts are
icky they make Eric sicky.
Oh my God, I'm ruining him.
Eric, things are gonna change
around here, drastically.
Tomarrow you are getting
a sandwich whith crust on.
And no more crazy straws.
You will be drinking your chocolate
milk from a standard straw.
Now, who's hungry?
- I call sandwich. - I call Spidey.
I call sandwiches you haven't made yet.
Okay, Donna I get it, I'm sorry.
- No, that's not gonna cut it.
I've been wearing this engagement ring
so long it's white under there,
and a little wrinkly. You haven't
brought up the wedding in weeks.
I stayed home from college to be
with you. And if i knew
you were gonna act like this, I would
have gone. - You right. - I know.
Donna, I know that I'm
lucky to be with you.
Hell, when we go out together,
people think I'm your little brother.
That's true. They say I shouldn't
have you out so late.
You are right. No, you are absolutely right.
I'm really, really sorry. Okay?
So, are you still mad at me?
Well, it's kind of hard when
you keep agreeing with me.
I agree. - Stop it.
- You're beautiful. - I will kick your ass.
So, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves.
I'll go first
I like makeup and diets,
and Steven here likes black things
and throwing stuff at glass.
Okay. Well, I was valedictorian at my class,
I ran marathons
and I tutor kids in Latin.
Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class
and a marathon runner.
Oh, and some kids that took Latin.
This is fun.
So, how do you guys all know eachother?
- Well, Michael and I dated for like 3 years.
Then I stole her from him.
- Wait what?
You never could have stolen from
me if I hadn't cheated on her first.
Okay, wait a minute... - That sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her
with Erics sister.
Well, and then the rest of the
girls when we were on a break
cause I annoyed her, but none of
those girls were anybodies sister.
Except for the two that were sisters.
He brought up the sisters.
Awsome.
Okay. This was a mistake. I think I'm gonna go.
- No, Brooke wait.
I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot...
a lot... a lot.
Okay, that's not helping.
- Brooke, just let me start over, okay?
We might not be a perfect match, okay,
but I really, really like you
and I think us having this baby
together is like... faith.
Michael, faith is when two people
meet on a train or in Paris,
not in a bathroom at a
Molly Hatchet concert.
Faith. Man, never use a word in a fight
if you don't really really knows what it means.
Still not speaking to me?
Fine, I'll speak.
I spent all day running your bold,
grumpy ass around town.
And do I get a thanks? No.
Because you're unpleasant.
You wanna know why I'm unpleasant?
I just had a heart attack,
and now I have to be driven around like a
useless dope
by the idiot that marry my daughter and gave
me the heart attack in the first place.
But I am also unpleasant because I just
spent the entire day cooped up in the car,
breathing that mustard gas that you call cologne.
But mostly I'm unpleasant because
that's how it works in this family.
I'm family?
Oh crap.
Guys, everything is totally cool. I've
promised to stop acting like such an ass,
and give Donna only presents, not cash.
Why is that? - Because presents are
for girlfriends and cash is for hookers.
Although...
- You're so good I should pay you.
- Thank you.
You should've seen it coming Forman.
Cause when you're deeply,
trully happy, it's a sure sign you're
doing everything wrong.
It's true. Once Steven's unhappy,
I know our relationship is in good shape.
Well, then we've been tip top
since the minute i've meet you.
Yeah, I couldn't be unhappier about
me and Brooke, so I know I'm doing
the right thing. Cause the misery is how God
lets you know you're on track.
And how. Red and I are miserable together,
and that crazy bastard is nuts about me.
Donna,what are you doing the day after your birthday?
- Nursing a hangover.
You might wanna stick to light beer. Cause I was thinking maybe we could get married that day.
Oh my God, are you setting a date?
You can't set a date in a circle.
I can and I did.
- I love you.
There's no groping in the circle!
We made that rule for Fez,
but i goes for everyone!
Oh, c'mon Eric take charge,
grab her like you mean it.
I'll do it.
Brooke?
Holly crap! That's the girl you got pregnant?
She's hot!
Do you think we could talk alone for a minute?
Sure, I'll go. But just know if it doesn't work out with him, I've got dental
for all dependents.
- You're funny. - I love you.
Goodbye.
I've got a things to do.
Look. I don't know why what happened happened.
I mean it could've been faith,
it could've been the Colt 45s,
but I do know you're beeing very sweet,
and I could probably use a hand, cause to
tell you do truth I'm kind of scared.
That's perfect cause I'm terrified.
I know, I mean it's crazy.
- We're having a baby! - I know!
And we have no clue!
- None at all!
So, can I call you tomarrow? - Yes.
Before you go I just wanted to say, I don't love you.
I just kind of get nervous in front of women.
I blurr.
What is wrong with me?
Hi Roy.
- Hello Brooke.
Hi Roy.
- Hello Brooke.
Hi, Roy.
- Hello, Brooke.
I got this.
Hi Roy.
- I love you.
Excuse me. - Roy, that's the freezer.
- I know.
- Try good 13:30.
I'm just so worn out from carrying
around all this tip money. Here you go, mom.
Why don't you, kick up the thermostat
couple deegres on me.
Well,thank you honey. And you have been
such a big help working yourself nearly
to death. I made you
your special sandwich.
- Oooh, "the Eric McSweady".
It's a regular sandwich.
Hold the masculinity.
It's almost time for Red's doctors appointment.
I have to iron his underware.
No crust, check, extra jelly, check.
My mommy loves me. Check.
Eric, wow you look beat. - Yeah, I was working
until like 1:00 last night. - Oh, my poor baby.
I know something that will cheer you up.
Today, I got my first bridal magazine.
We can spend the whole afternoon
talking about wedding stuff.
Like, the groomsmen can wear kilts.
Donna, you know how much I'd love to spend
4-5 hours talking about the wedding,
or clothes, or clothes for the wedding,
but, God I'm so beat from last night.
Okay. Why don't you go back to bad,and I'll
crawl up with you after class, but this time
sweep the bed for GI Joes, cause that last
thing that happened that was unpleasant.
Life is a cabaret, my friend!
You didn't work untill 1:00. We got
off at 22:00 and played poker.
Hyde, let's not wear ourselves
down with the truth here.
When I started working full time, I thought
that my life was gonna be a total grind,
but my mom, Donna,
they can't do enaugh for me.
Look at this. Heart shaped sandwiches.
Donna's giving me sexy naps.
As God is my witness I will never go
hungry or horny again.
Will you please wear the ironed underware.
I have a reputation to protect.
Eric, you're driving me to my doctors appointment.
Please, put on pants.
Eric is a little tired from working so late,
so I found someone else to drive you.
Jump in Smokey,
Bandit's on the move.
Okay Brooke. Here's the thing. We should date.
- Michael, I'm pregnant with your child.
Pretty much the best and worst things
about dating have allready happened to us.
Okay, but we missed out on all the in between.
Like. Okay, we need to spice up our illegitimate pregnancy with a little romance.
I mean, look how much we have in common.
You are having my baby,
and I am the father of your baby.
Okay look, don't pretend you wanna go out
with me just because you feel guilty.
Brooke, I wanna go out with
you cause you're hot.
Okay fine, but I'm not hot.
I've gain six pounds.
That's okay, cause it's mostly in your boobs.
See, nature does this to keep us
guys around while you gals chunk out.
Okay, let's get couple of things straight.
I don't wanna be here,
you don't wanna be here.
- I wan't to be here.
Fine. I don't wanna be here,
and I don't care what you want.
Okay then. Are you buckled up?
- Yes.
Hmm, because the little blinking man
on the dashboard says you aren't.
Buckle up. - No. - Yes.
- No. Look, start this car
or I'm gonna pack you in the crate, take you down to the port and trade you for a year supply of bananas.
Hey. - Hey.
- You awake?
Well, if I were asleep there'd be six
of you all making out with yourselves.
Can't belive how late you must stay at the restaurant.
- Well, you know
that grated cheese you like so much?
Gets grated the night before.
Yeah, little thing we like to call "prep", so.
- I love it when you use restourant talk.
Donna, I have to warn you, I'm exhausted.
So, you're gonna have to do all the work.
Why should today be any different?
I need to know what to do on a first date with a women who is carrying my child?
Hold her while she weeps.
Hey wait, what if you guys came to dinner with me and Brooke? It would make easier to find stuff
to talk about. - No, no man, there is no way
I'm going on a date with your ex girlfriend
who is now my girlfiend,
and your new girlfriend
who doesn't wanna be your girlfriend,
but is pregnant with your child.
It's like hillbilly territory.
I'll pay.
I'm in.
Well then i have to go find something to wear. I mean i'm happy that Brooke's gonna have
a father for her baby and all, but I still have to look prettier than her.
Well I was woken from my afternooon nap by my girlfriend for some afternoon delight,
afterwhich i took another afternoon nap.
You know what i have right in the palm of my hand?
- No one wants to know that. Just wash up.
The secret of life.
You know what? I'm taking this one step
further, fellas. I'm gonna get fat.
Yeah, i'll never be strong,
but i think i can be fat.
That's a pretty thought.
C'mon, Fez, don't be scared.
Go say "hi".
No, he's too fat.
I don't know where his face is.
He can't eat you. He can't even move.
Watch!
That tickles.
Aaah, something's poking me.
GI Joe.
There you are.
What else is in there?
Kelso!
I thought you moved away!
- I've been living on crumbs!
Alright, okay. Laugh all you want but all I
see is a guy who doesn't have to go out of bed
to go to the bathroom... And that's beautiful.
Hey look there's the "Oaks Lodge".
Pull over.
But i thought we would celebrate your good checkup.
There's this pie down at the coffee shop
I've been flirting with for days.
How about this for a celebration, I'm
going in there with my budies and you
wait in the car.
- But that does not sound like fun.
Well, that's how we celebrate in America.
Okay, let's head for home.
So now you're not gonna talk?
- Why should I talk?
My feelings are obviously of no consequence to you.
Alright, maybe I stayed a little
longer then I expected.
Hey look, how about we stop for some pie?
- No.
Oh c'mon, let me get you a pie.
- I am not in the mood.
Oh just let me buy you a...
- There will be no pie!
Wow, good pot.There's gotta
be like 4 or 5 bucks in there.
Yeah you guys are going down.
I gotta a full house.
I mean... What do I got?
Why don't you bet a lot and see.
Kelso, I know you think you got a full house,
but you're only holding two cards.
So I'll raise.
This is great. It's
1:00 and I'm not alone.
I'm not alone. This is great.
Guys I don't wanna brag but my
belt is getting pretty tight.
I think operation "Fat Eric"
is well under way.
What the hell are you doing?
You told me you were working.
I brought you brownies because you told
me you were working your ass off.
And now it turns out you were spending all the time, we could have spent together, with the guys.
And, I gave you daytime sex.
Alright.
Who brought brownies?
Is Eric upstairs?
- Just look for the lump under the cover sucking his thumb.
Hey, you gonna yell? - No, I'm past yelling.
- What's past yelling?
It's the dark side of the moon, my friend.
The place so ugly if it was a women
even you wouldn't have sex with her.
Ahh, that's bad.
How can you sleep untill noon
after what happened last night?
I'm exhausted from loving you so much.
You're completely regressing. You lie around all day
and you act if you'd be happy
to stay in your mothers house forever.
- Look Donna, let me make it up to you.
There's some tip money on the dresser.
Why don't you go buy yourself something pretty?
Don' worry, we can still hear!
Eric, what is happening to you?
- Look Donna, I'm sorry but I'm not regressing.
You gotta understand I'm the
man of this house now.
Okay, who is ready for a Spidey
and a sandwich? - Me!
Mrs. Forman, your son is a big lazy chump because
you keep babying him. - I don't baby him.
Is there a crust on that sandwich?
Well of course not. Crusts are
icky they make Eric sicky.
Oh my God, I'm ruining him.
Eric, things are gonna change
around here, drastically.
Tomarrow you are getting
a sandwich whith crust on.
And no more crazy straws.
You will be drinking your chocolate
milk from a standard straw.
Now, who's hungry?
- I call sandwich. - I call Spidey.
I call sandwiches you haven't made yet.
Okay, Donna I get it, I'm sorry.
- No, that's not gonna cut it.
I've been wearing this engagement ring
so long it's white under there,
and a little wrinkly. You haven't
brought up the wedding in weeks.
I stayed home from college to be
with you. And if i knew
you were gonna act like this, I would
have gone. - You right. - I know.
Donna, I know that I'm
lucky to be with you.
Hell, when we go out together,
people think I'm your little brother.
That's true. They say I shouldn't
have you out so late.
You are right. No, you are absolutely right.
I'm really, really sorry. Okay?
So, are you still mad at me?
Well, it's kind of hard when
you keep agreeing with me.
I agree. - Stop it.
- You're beautiful. - I will kick your ass.
So, maybe a good way to break the ice would be for everyone to tell a few things about themselves.
I'll go first
I like makeup and diets,
and Steven here likes black things
and throwing stuff at glass.
Okay. Well, I was valedictorian at my class,
I ran marathons
and I tutor kids in Latin.
Well, I egged the valedictorian of my class
and a marathon runner.
Oh, and some kids that took Latin.
This is fun.
So, how do you guys all know eachother?
- Well, Michael and I dated for like 3 years.
Then I stole her from him.
- Wait what?
You never could have stolen from
me if I hadn't cheated on her first.
Okay, wait a minute... - That sounds a lot worse than what it is. I only cheated on her
with Erics sister.
Well, and then the rest of the
girls when we were on a break
cause I annoyed her, but none of
those girls were anybodies sister.
Except for the two that were sisters.
He brought up the sisters.
Awsome.
Okay. This was a mistake. I think I'm gonna go.
- No, Brooke wait.
I've been with a lot of chicks, a lot...
a lot... a lot.
Okay, that's not helping.
- Brooke, just let me start over, okay?
We might not be a perfect match, okay,
but I really, really like you
and I think us having this baby
together is like... faith.
Michael, faith is when two people
meet on a train or in Paris,
not in a bathroom at a
Molly Hatchet concert.
Faith. Man, never use a word in a fight
if you don't really really knows what it means.
Still not speaking to me?
Fine, I'll speak.
I spent all day running your bold,
grumpy ass around town.
And do I get a thanks? No.
Because you're unpleasant.
You wanna know why I'm unpleasant?
I just had a heart attack,
and now I have to be driven around like a
useless dope
by the idiot that marry my daughter and gave
me the heart attack in the first place.
But I am also unpleasant because I just
spent the entire day cooped up in the car,
breathing that mustard gas that you call cologne.
But mostly I'm unpleasant because
that's how it works in this family.
I'm family?
Oh crap.
Guys, everything is totally cool. I've
promised to stop acting like such an ass,
and give Donna only presents, not cash.
Why is that? - Because presents are
for girlfriends and cash is for hookers.
Although...
- You're so good I should pay you.
- Thank you.
You should've seen it coming Forman.
Cause when you're deeply,
trully happy, it's a sure sign you're
doing everything wrong.
It's true. Once Steven's unhappy,
I know our relationship is in good shape.
Well, then we've been tip top
since the minute i've meet you.
Yeah, I couldn't be unhappier about
me and Brooke, so I know I'm doing
the right thing. Cause the misery is how God
lets you know you're on track.
And how. Red and I are miserable together,
and that crazy bastard is nuts about me.
Donna,what are you doing the day after your birthday?
- Nursing a hangover.
You might wanna stick to light beer. Cause I was thinking maybe we could get married that day.
Oh my God, are you setting a date?
You can't set a date in a circle.
I can and I did.
- I love you.
There's no groping in the circle!
We made that rule for Fez,
but i goes for everyone!
Oh, c'mon Eric take charge,
grab her like you mean it.
I'll do it.
Brooke?
Holly crap! That's the girl you got pregnant?
She's hot!
Do you think we could talk alone for a minute?
Sure, I'll go. But just know if it doesn't work out with him, I've got dental
for all dependents.
- You're funny. - I love you.
Goodbye.
I've got a things to do.
Look. I don't know why what happened happened.
I mean it could've been faith,
it could've been the Colt 45s,
but I do know you're beeing very sweet,
and I could probably use a hand, cause to
tell you do truth I'm kind of scared.
That's perfect cause I'm terrified.
I know, I mean it's crazy.
- We're having a baby! - I know!
And we have no clue!
- None at all!
So, can I call you tomarrow? - Yes.
Before you go I just wanted to say, I don't love you.
I just kind of get nervous in front of women.
I blurr.
What is wrong with me?
Hi Roy.
- Hello Brooke.
Hi Roy.
- Hello Brooke.
Hi, Roy.
- Hello, Brooke.
I got this.
Hi Roy.
- I love you.
Excuse me. - Roy, that's the freezer.
- I know.