That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 5 - I'm Free - full transcript

Laverne is so annoying,

why does Shirley keep putting up with her crap?

Well, she has to there in love

Again, Kelso, Laverne and Shirley are not Lesbians

trust me, there one bottle of wine away
from making out...

just like you two!

Kelso, don?t you have something more important
to talk about right now?

If you got a topic more important than
girl on girl action I?d like to hear it

How about the fact that Brooke?s got your
feeble-minded bun in her oven

Look, she cant be pregnant, okay?
It just cant be true

Michael, this is not something girls lie about, okay?



I would know,
I?m an expert on girl lies

Kelso, your gonna have to do something about this

No, but doing something is not in my nature

?Ignore,? ?Avoid?, ?Run away?,
these words have been very good to me

- You?re horrible
- What a pig

You know what?
You girls don?t even know what I?m going through,

you can have all the sex you want and you
don?t have to worry about gettin?Anyone pregnant

Laurie, try these banana walnut pancakes

I know you?ve always had a thing for nuts

Every man in town knows that

What men?
Oh, never mind!

You guys

an agent from immigration is coming to check on Fez and Laurie?s
marriage and if he finds out it?s fake Fez could deported

- But this marriage is based on love, right, honey?
- don?t touch me



Fine, I?ll give you 20 bucks to pretend to be my wife

That?s gotta sound familiar

Steven, If you keep doing that, its gonna be really hard for me
to pretend I don?t know what your talking about

Then I should go because its just to easy...

Like Laurie.

When is this I.N.S man gonna be here?

Uh, sometime this week, it?s a surprise visit...
So I have to stay here

Stay here?

With, Red?
Oh, no, I cant allow that

Why not?
Red loves me

Honey, you gave him a heart attack

Maybe he just loves Fez so much...
That his heart exploded?

Please, Miss Kitty. Let me stay

Mom, come on

- Okay, you win
- Oh, thank you!

Uh, that was a sexy hug you really put some
boom-boom into it, huh?

"Row, row, row, your boat"

"Gently down the stream"

"Soapy, soapy, scrubby, scrubby"

"Fez is nice and clean"

What the hell!

I don?t know what you heard,
but this show ain?t free!

What is this doing here?

Okay, Red he just has to stay here for a few days

But Kitty,he was in my shower,

he saw my legs

- And he saw Pep?
- Shut up

Listen, Dad, the I.N.S is coming and if they
found out this marriage is fake, Fez could get deported

Well, that?s Anwar?s problem

Oh, but I cannot go back home, I?m an American now

I?m lazy, fat and soft...

like you!

Look, you deserve what you get!
You tricked Laurie into this mess of a marriage

she?s innocent and...Naive.

The only reason she got caught up in this is
because she loves to much

Well that last parts true

Shoot!
It?s Brooke, hide me

Hey!

I?m sorry Donna,
squeezing your but gives me courage

So Michael? You split pretty quick the other day...
Maybe we should talk or something?

You got it...One sec

Kelso!

Aah! Donna, Let go of my leg!
I swear I got no problem kickin? a girl

Look, you?ve done a lot of stupid crap over the years

You stolemy panties,
you tied my hamster to a bottle rocket

And I don?t know how many times
I?ve caught you peeking through my window

Five

Look, the point is, I let it all slide because
underneath I knew you were a good guy,

but if you bail on Brooke, I will never respect
you again and neither will anybody else

Look, I know, ok? I know. I just...

I don?t know what to do

Well, Kelso, you need to go talk to her

Ok

?Touch Donna Pinciottie?s Panties for 5 bucks?
Call,Michael Kelso

And that was the first time I ever tasted chocolate

That?s a great story, man but,

uh, it?s like 2 in the morning so we gotta go to sleep

But I forgot my tape of my ocean sounds

and I cannot fall asleep without it

Can you make ocean sounds for me?

Yeah, I?m not doing that

Okay, then let me tell you about
the first time I ate a blow pop

Lick number one: What a surprise!

You are forgetting the whale songs?

Listen, man, I?ve only been to the ocean once

and the closest thing I saw to a whale
was some fat guy selling drugs

Fine, lick number two still no gum?!

What the hell are you doing to yourself?!

Oh, great, Dad, you know what?
You woke him up, you put him back to sleep!

Hey!

Uh...It?s been pointed out to me that I?ve been
acting a little flaky about, um...

our situation

I disagree,

flakey means your not consistent,
you run away every time you see me

Anyway, I think we should
talk about what we?re gonna do

or I?m sure your gonna want me to meet your parents
aaaand lucky for you I look good in a suit

aaaand lucky for you I look good in a suit,
But you already know that, so

Actually, don?t worry about it!

as far as the baby and I are concerned
your off the hook

So your just letting? me go?

Yep, you don?t have to think
about this ever again

And I wont!

WOW! Your like the coolest girl I ever did it
with at a concert!

Oh, honey, you look terrible

Oh, you don?t look so hot yourself, sister

I beg your pardon

Red made me sleep in the basement and every time I started
to fall asleep Hyde would put a popsicle on my neck

That?s my daddy?s chair

"That?s my daddy?s chair"

Fez, look, man you gotta start
kissing Red?s butt a little or

he?s gonna make sure you get deported

He should be kissing my butt for taking
his trashy daughter off his hands

I?m not that trashy, I wont sleep with you

Oh, zip it, jezebel

Out of my chair, Tonto

Oh, come on a chair is a chair,
branch out a little try the piano bench

What did you say?!

- Laurie, go get a cup of milk
- Why?

It?ll keep Fez?s teeth alive
until we get him to the dentist

Hi, sir, Hal Armstrong from the immigration service,
I?m here to conduct some interviews

What do you want to know,
?cause I?ll tell you everything

Is it-Is it to late to give you back your chair

Oh, no don?t get up this could be the last time you sit
on furniture that you didn?t build out of mud and twigs

So, Agent Armstrong can?t wait to tell you
all about this marriage, you got handcuffs, right?

Red, Red, why don?t you help me in the kitchen,
Laurie make our guest comfortable

Hey, G-man

Okay, Red, just because he sat in your chair
is no reason to get the boy deported

You don?t like me because I?m not from here

This has nothing to do with
you being a foreigner.

It?s about you taking advantage of
my daughter like a sneaky foreigner

Oh, wait, dad, look, I stayed home from college to take care
of you and mom in your hour of need,

okay you owe me!

That is just like a woman to bring that up

You know, Laurie could get in a lot of trouble, too

- What kinda trouble?
- Big trouble, dad, she could go to jail...

or back to jail!

Well, come on,
Its like where has she been for the past two years

All right, fine, I wont volunteer anything but if
he asks me a direct question I?m not lying

- Oh, you wont have to. I?ll do all the talking for you
- Well, you?ll be good at that!

And I guess it might be fun to just sit back and watch Tarzan
here crumble before the full force of the U.S Government

Okay, that?s it. Anwar I can deal with. Tonto, in the ballpark,
but Tarzan...Tarzan is a white guy

Don?t sass me, Tarzan!

Michael, there is no way
Brooke said your off the hook,

Okay, I bet she said ?I?m gonna take every penny you have
you irresponsible bastard? because that?s what I would say

No, she definitely said ?Off the hook?

Man I am one tall, cute, lucky kid!

So that?s it, man? Its like this thing with
You and Brooke never happened

Yeah...well no, I mean,
there?s still gonna be a baby out there but...

my life?s back to normal

sort a

I mean, it?s kinda weird but
I?m not gonna think about it ?cause I don?t need to

you know I should be happy right now.
You know, I am happy, right now!

Yeah, I think

Yeah, think, feel, look deep inside like deep,
deep inside almost to China

There?s a good guy in there

You know what?
Don?t lecture me, okay?

I went to her and I tried to talk to her
and she said it was cool which is awesome

because this could,
like, screw up my whole life!

Yeah, man, you know you gotta stay focused
if your gonna invent those quadruple Oreo?s

Those are a secret, man

No yeah, this is good. Why put yourself out for some kid,
children grow up without dads all the time

- Right
- Yeah, like Steven

Well, I don?t want him ending up like Hyde

hair all frizzed out with angry thoughts

And violent, too

Kelso, you know what you should do?
But your not gonna do it because your to much of a tool

You know what? It?s real easy to talk about
the right thing to do when it?s not your life

Tool

Oh, Steven your sensitive to this because
your father ditched you, too

That is so foxy

Hey, why don?t we go down to my room, tell you about
the time my mom got so loaded on mouthwash,

she lost our rent money at the track

Okay, you two claim to be married and living here

to verify this I?m going to separate you all
and ask you a series of questions about the couple.

- Let me remind you your all under oath
- under oath?

I mean...

under Oath, bravo!

Okay, first question,
What kind of toothpaste does Fez use?

Um, I brush my teeth with Colgate it is the only thing
that cuts through the, um, milk duds

- Who the hell cares about toothpaste? This kid and my daughter are...
- Happy, happy, happy!

I...wait, w-why am I under oath?

cause if I say crest and the answer
is minty crest I Mean, that?s,

like, uh, perjury, was-what?s gonna happen to me?

wha-Oh, my god why are you writing this down?

How long did Fez and Laurie
date before they got married?

Who needs to date? I had her in the sack
faster than you can say ?Corn on The cob?..

Speaking of dates,
I made an incredible date nut bread

The secret is to oak the dates in some good, strong rum,
which reminds me, who needs a drink?...I know I do.

I don?t know how long they dated, I-oh,
my God, I?m going to prison aren?t I?

I?m gonna get shanked

What is Fez?s favorite TV show?

Uh, well, it depends.
Basically I just flip until I see nipples

Sometimes I feel like a loaf of bread,

everyone keeps taking a slice of me until
all that?s left are two crusty pieces that nobody wants

and I just want to scream ?Appreciate me, Damn it?
but I don?t, why?

Because my mother always told me that nice girls shouldn?t
make a fuss and now I am a flippin? doormat

Okay look, man. Prison is not an option for me, okay?

I can?t pee in front of other people

Well...Despite a few interesting answers and one recipe

My judgment is that your marriage...

is legitimate. Congratulations!

All right, Pep? and I are Americans

No wonder this country is going in the toilet

What was that, sir?

Nothing, nothing he said he has to use the toilet,
that?s why he?s been so quiet

If your trying to protect your daughter, don?t worry...
We never go after the bride

especially such a pretty one

If there was a crime committed,
we?d only be interested in this one,

so if there?s something you want to say,
by all means, say it

Fine, I will

I just wanted to say...

these two kids are married and...

very much in love

In fact, I?ve never seen a love like this

Thank you, Mr. Red. It means a lot

Hey, what about thanking me

his guy tried to break me

but lucky for you double-O Forman is rock solid

Wow, you really are pregnant

They make them really tiny now...
quarter pound, my ass

Hey!

I need to talk to you

Kelso, that?s great!
Here take my seat sit down

I?ll just be right over there

Good for you!

All right...At first when you told me I was off the hook.
I was, like, totally psyched, right?

But then I started to think about it and...

- I don?t wanna be off the hook, I wanna be a part of this kids life
- Michael, I didn?t let you off the hook to be nice.

I just don?t think you understand what
I means to have a baby

No but I do...I means,

taking him to teeball games, and teaching him how to ride a bike
and taking him to the doctor when he?s sick

And what if it?s a girl?

Uh, it?s not gonna be a girl we did it standing up!

Uh-huh

Okay, maybe this will change your mind

I went and got some stuff today,
this...

little sweater, to keep him warm

and...this little hat, to keep the sun off of his face

I got some pop rocks ?cause
I always wanted to see a baby eat popRocks

Michael, If you get involved,
I?m just gonna have two babies to take care of instead of one

Look, you can try to get rid of me
but I?m not walkin? away from this

I?m sorry,
I just don?t want you to be the father of my child

This is all your fault, yeah!

- ? Go talk to her an-and-and do the right thing?
- Kelso, I?m so sorry,

I wish there was something I could do

Well, there isn?t

Okay fine...

I?ll give you ten seconds to squeeze my ass
as long as you want

I never thought I?d say this...

but there?s some things that a girls ass cant fix

Well, Fez, congratulations on your green card,
but remember this is America

and you still look foreign
so don?t expect to be treated equally

Well, I?m going to become America?s sexiest singing cowboy

Howdy ladies, meet Pep?!

You know, what?s going on with Brooke really hurts
but I think in a couple days when I start to heel,

I?m gonna be really psyched that Donna let me squeeze her ass.
I mean, even now I?m reflecting upon on how soft it was

So, what kind of chance do you think I have with the blonde?