That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Acid Queen - full transcript

Guys,

guess what I just heard in the ladies bathroom?

- Fez, what were you doing in the ladies bathroom?
- Oh, spying, eating lunch, y'know.

I heard two girls say they did not
want to go to college as virgins.

Yeah, I caught that wave last year.

So I'm thinking if horny virgins are dying for sex,
then hunting horny virgins I will go.

By the way Fez, it's not pronounced virgin;
it's pronounced vir-GIN.

- I thought it was virgin?
- No, no Hyde's right it's vir-GIN.

Oh now I will not sound stupid
in front of the beautiful vir-GINS.

Oh my God. That's - that's the girl,

- that's the one I made it with at the Molly
Hatchet concert. - That's Brooke.



Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke.

When we were sophomores and she was a senior,
she turned down her science teacher, and he drove a Corvette.

Yeah, she was like some sort of mythical creature, like a unicorn.

It's weird, it seems like she's moving too fast.

It's probably cause all my memories
of her are in super jiggle sexy slo-mo.

Well all I know is that's her, and
I did it with her, and I'll prove it.

Hey Brooke,

now I know this is kinda awkward
but could you tell my friends over there...

about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?

Do I know you?

Hey I'm sorry to interrupt but uh...

Burn!

No, it's me Michael from the concert.
Okay, I've been looking for you for weeks

and I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen,
that you gave me the wrong phone number.



But the good news is I wasn't a dream.

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

No, Michael Kelso. 'Let's do it in
the men's room, it's more romantic.'

No, what...I kicked that kid out of the
handicapped stall so we could have more room!

What is Brooke's deal, man?

I mean, most girls lie about doing
it with me when they haven't.

This... the... everything is backwards.

Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday,
but unlike that charming little movie

.. your story has no basis in fact.

It does too, except it's just the girl is avoiding me.

- I mean, how do you get a girl to come to
you when you repulse her? - Yeah, Eric?

Well, I like to put a hot dog on the end
of a stick, and hide in the bushes so...

Donna, so how do you know Brooke anyway?
Did you guys jump out of a cake together or something?

Yeah!

No moron. When she was a senior we
worked on the school paper together.

I think you know Brooke cause there's a secret
club in this town, made up of all the hot girls.

It's a secret hot girls club.

There's no secret hot girls club,
believe me I'd know.

Uh huh, well I'm gonna take off.
I have to get to my secret hot girls meeting...

Why doesn't Brooke like me?
I am a gentleman.

Oh yeah, you lied about doing it with a hot
girl in the men's room: you're Cary Grant.

Steven, you've been quiet.
Do you think Brooke's hot?

Do you really want me to answer that question?

Oh I think we all do.

Steven, it's no big deal.
Do you think she's hot?

Oh well, I guess since you're not
setting a trap, I can answer honestly.

- Yeah, she's freakin hot.
- Ah ha! See, I trapped ya.

Now take it back or I'll pinch you.

Jackie, if you pinch me, it's gonna cause
a serious problem in this relationship.

Fine

Oh hey Jackie.
Are any of your college bound friends vir-GINS?

It's pronounced virgins, Fez.

What? But no, but Hyde said...

Oh you magnificent bastard.

Sorry buddy.
By the way it's pronounced bas-TARD

Fez, if you wanna find virgins, go where ugly girls
pray to get pretty. The local House of Worship.

House of Worship?

Are you sure you don't mean the House of Pies?

No Fez, I mean the House of Worship.

I'm going to the House of Pies.

So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?

Well the education's not too great,
but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen.

First day of class we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.

Hey guys.

- Kelso, what are you doing?!
- I'm looking for Brooke's phone number.

I mean why won't she admit that we did it?

Kelso, there are racehorses, and there are donkeys.

And you are a great donkey, you are like top donkey.

But she's a racehorse, and guess what?

She don't want no donkey.

She might.

Look, we had a great time together, and not just cause
of the sex part, but because we had a really great time.

Donna, please help me find her.

Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works.

It's in a quiet building,

you could try and check her out on a date,
but she's probably booked for the future.

She's a travel agent?

She translated her love of books into a career.

She's a translator.

"Trabaja en la biblioteca", Kelso.

She's the translator, not me Donna.

Y'know, enough with these brain teasers.

You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety.

Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?

A collector never stops collecting, Eric.

The library, Kelso, she works in the library.

Now will you put my underwear back you perv?

I lied.

Ooo wow, those male actors are gorgeous.

Y'know I think that Robert Redford is so hot.
He's hotter than the sun.

He's extremely handsome.

You know who I think is sexy?

James Caan in the Godfather.

Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse.
Yowsa!

Do you mind?

I'm sorry; I thought we were having a conversation.

Y'know what Steven, I actually think that every
guy on TV, and in life is hotter than you.

Jackie, I know what you're doing, okay?
I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.

Oh I am not insecure, okay?

This is a designer sweater, this is designer eye shadow,
and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure.

You know who else I like?

That little fella who plays Colombo.

I just wanna give him a bath.

Steven, why can't you just
say that Brooke's not hot?

It's common relationship courtesy.

If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old,
and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?

By the way, that's already starting.

You've never been in a relationship,
have you son?

What, when she asked if Brooke was hot,
I should have lied and said no?

Being honest and screwing yourself
is clearly the better plan.

Sweetie, white lies help relationships.

Like, 'Kitty, even though your pot
roast was overdone, I still loved it.'

Oh for the love of God, I did love it.

You're a pot roast genius, okay?

It was like eating gold.

- So you're saying lying is good?
- Exactly.

Now go do the right thing,
and lie to the woman you love!

- Red, this is crazy right?
- Yeah, they're all nuts.

Except you, sweetheart.

Look at all the smart, lonely girls.

Little ones, big ones;
it's like a virgin pumpkin patch.

- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'd like an order of books please.

- Could you be more specific?
- Could you be more beautiful?

Could you be more lame?

Yes

- Excuse me, I'm trying to read.
- Don't be a sissy.

- Y'know what? Here's a firecracker, go live a little.
- Thanks

Look, I know why you're here and
I'm sorry, you're not my type.

I was high school valedictorian
and you're the antithesis of that.

The anti-who-of-what?

Exactly.

Okay no, come on don't be like that okay? Look I really like you and I
just thought that maybe we could go out some time,

like for coffee.

and then if that went good,
then we could go to a movie.

and then when we really start to trust each other,
you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.

Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts.

I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal system,
which I'm sure you've never heard of.

Okay I have heard of Dewey Decimal...

it's Donald Ducks nephew.

I can't believe Brooke.
I mean standing there at the library, totally resisting me.

I can't believe we have a library.

I know, what is it like invisible?

No, no, you know that parking
lot where we drink beer in?

Okay, well you know that
wall that we lean up against?

That's the library.

Well then, guess who has peed on the library?

Y'know for the first time in my life,
I hope there's not a secret hot girls club, because if there is,

I bet Brooke said awful things
about me at their last meeting.

Order bitches.

The secret hot girls club is now in session.

Now, last meeting we all decided to go braless,

and I just wanna report that operation bazooma
bounce is driving the boys insane.

Hi, my name is Brooke and
I've been a hot girl for 6 years.

Hi Brooke.

And I just wanna let everyone know that Michael Kelso asked me out,
and I resisted his charms and turned him down.

- But he's irresistible.
- That's what I thought, but it's a lie, a lie I tell you.

Then it's official. No secret hot girl will
ever date Michael Kelso ever again.

Okay that's great, that's great.

Now this calls for dancing bubble kiss time!

Kelso, there is no secret hot girls club.

Well of course the president won't admit it.

Y'know I don't care is there's a club or not,
dancing bubble kiss time is just a fabulous idea.

Well all I know is that Brooke and I
had a romantic night together at the concert.

Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?

Well maybe she's embarrassed.
I mean she's used to dating really brainy guys.

Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire.

On a dare.

And I won a dollar.

Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you, y'know maybe you should
go down to the library and show her you can be smart.

I hate the library.

The only good thing about it is
that you can check out Playboys.

I mean they have every issue since it started.

Wait, every issue?

Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin,
televisions Nancy Drew, in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder?

Uh, they have periodicals you say?

What is wrong with Steven?
I mean why won't he just say that Brooke's not hot?

Because he doesn't know how to lie.

He's an orphan;
he never had a mother to teach him how.

I mean, how do I know
he loves me if he doesn't obey me?

Well, you've chosen a strong man,
Jackie and they don't always obey.

Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't
pretty, yes, but you have to pick your battles.

Wait, no, I wanna be right all the time.

And you will be.
After a few years they just...

they give up.

Okay, watch.

Red, could you go to the drug store
and get me a Ladies Home Journal?

But I just...

It's all frosty.

Aw Crap!

Jackpot my friend.

Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder,
Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit that,

let's just say you don't need x-ray vision to appreciate.

Well get those outta here, man I'm trying
to impress Brooke with my intelligence.

Here she comes.

Say Eric, this encyclopaedia of scientific terms
has really taught me something.

See by lifting this encyclopaedia
of scientific terms above my head,

I'm using my body's stored energy,

also known as uranium.

Um, actually it's known as calories,

but I do believe at some point
you were exposed to radiation.

Alright look, I don't know what you have against me,
but I'm not leaving here until I convince you to go out with me.

That's the man who gave me the firecrackers, Mom.

I gotta run.

You wanna check something out?

No, um is there someone else who can help me?
Like a man.

So you wanna check out those Playboys, or not?

Okay, fine.
I'm a man, I would like these Playboys.

Well, you can't have them.

I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna,
and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.

Yes ma'am.

Okay Steven, I think I figured out a way to end
this situation where everybody wins.

Now, listen to this question carefully.

Is there anyone you said was hot - like Brooke,
who you really don't think is hot - like Brooke?

Well I could lie and say yes.

Then do it. I don't care of you don't mean it;
it's the words that count.

Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.

Fine. Then y'know what,
I don't know how to fix this.

'pick you battles.'

Fine.

Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot,
because that's how you really feel.

Thank you.

Hey Steven, will you go to the drug store
and get me a Vogue magazine?

But I just...

It's gonna melt.

Crap!

Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed,

so I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.

So, basically you're back to
where you started this morning.

Not really, I had some pie.

I've done less in a day.

Well Donna, turns out Brooke
doesn't like intelligent men.

Kelso, you didn't have sex
with her man, just let it go.

Michael, I need to talk to you.

Yeah, about what?

About our night together at
the Molly Hatchet concert.

Excuse me.

Burn!

Burn!

Burn, Burn!

Burn...Burn!

Burn...

We totally did it!

Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.

I never touched her.

Psst kid, hey you see this?

That's a Playboy.And inside are things beyond
your wildest dreams, magical glorious things.

So if you toss it in your book, and you check it out for me,
I'll let you have a look see, what do ya say?

You're pathetic, just go buy a Playboy, you loser.

Loser? Hey I'm not the one reading Hardy Boys.

For your information the stolen money
was hidden in the grandfather clock! Who's the loser now?