That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 3 - Magic Bus - full transcript

Eric Forman's Basement

Midnight

Eric's 18th Birthday

And... midnight.

So long 17, in the words of Alice Cooper

I'm 18 and I like it.

Happy birthday, Man.

Let's give him his present.

It's a case of 23 beers.

- Kelso?
- I deserved one, I carried it.

Yeah...



that tastes like 18.

Whoa, check out the new stereo.

Oh it plays records and 8 tracks,
this thing's like right out of the future.

Yeah Donna gave it to me.

I think she feels bad that she's going to college
without me.

So on the one hand I'm losing the girl that
I've been in love with since I was 5

but on the other hand I get a crappy stereo.

Score!

What? I mean she's going to dump you eventually.
Rock and roll never dies.

Kelso, Donna and I are fine, okay?

I mean, she's waiting until the very
last bus to go to school tomorrow,

so we can spend every minute of my birthday together.
We're just gonna make this work.

Eric, long distance relationships don't work.
Just ask my girlfriend back home.

Fez, you have a girlfriend back home?



No, don't you listen?
Long distance relationships don't work.

You guys, Donna and I are not gonna let a couple of miles
come between us, okay?

This isn't the end of the world.

My world is over, man.

Forman, I know what you're thinking. Donna's gonna go to school,
meet a whole bunch of people way cooler than you

and probably fall in love with someone else.

-And you don't think she will?
- Oh, I know she will.

My advice to you is drink up.

I can't believe she's just leaving, y'know?
Hasn't she heard of a little something called sacrifice?

Y'know, she sacrifices an education, or a career,
or a future of any kind, and in exchange

she gets me.

You don't offer much in the way of excitement,

but if it's the same old same old a girls after, look out.

I never deserved her anyway

Well we're here for ya.
Here ya go, dry your eyes.

Thanks you guys, I feel better.

I think we all do.

Alright buddy, come on let's get you to bed.

Big boy lets tuck you in.

Alright, sleep tight buddy.

The next morning

Oh good lord.

What, what?

Happy birthday, dumbass.

Okay Red, remember

don't tire yourself out today,
because tonight is a special night in the bedroom.

Bob Newhart's on Carson?

No silly, it's been a month since your heart attack.

Tonight's the night the doctor gave us the okay.

Y'know the okay.

Kitty I don't like clues, just say it.

- The okay to make love.
- Don't say that.

Well tonight is my only night off this week.

Let's not talk about it in front of the boy.

Or girl, or whatever he is today.

Let's not talk about what in front of the boy?

Ohhh, you guys are planning a surprise
party for me tonight, aren't you?

Well first of all, thank you.

Second of all let me just say, 18 years old,
not too old for ice-cream cake, okay.

So where's my special birthday breakfast?

Oh my goodness, I've been so busy this morning
I forgot all about your breakfast.

Okay I'll play along.

La de da, here I am, completely unaware that I'm about to get
my super birthday breakfast with 4 pieces of bacon.

- Honey, there is no breakfast.
- Mom gags over, gimmie the bacon.

Are you sure you want bacon?

It's fattening.

You barely fit into your best dress as it is.

Eric honey, let me make it up to you.

How about tonight instead of hanging out
around here you just...

you take the night off.

Oh, because there's 'no party'.

I'm with you.

Steven I am so glad we're back together.

I thought I'd lost my little Puddin' Pop forever.

Wanna hear something sick?
I actually missed you calling me Puddin' Pop.

How many times have I told you guys not to make out on my bed?

You guys are like cats, you don't even listen.
Down!

Donna! Donna you know what?
You're leaving tonight so technically this isn't your bed anymore.

Besides, I just can't keep my hands off my Puddin' Pop.

- Puddin' Pop?
- Puddin' Pop?

Is that supposed to be me?

I've never heard that name before in my life.

Donna,

you're amazing.

Taking the midnight bus tonight, just so you can
spend my whole birthday with me that...

I swear that is right up there with not wearing a bra in public.

Wow

you're taking this really well.

Yeah well, I know I have a history of ruining these things.

Birthdays, holidays, that perm that made you look like a poodle.

But I'm not gonna do that okay?

I'm not gonna ruin our last day together.

Oh, so

you're taking the toaster?

What?

Ah, it's just y'know we bought it together,
so I guess I kinda though it was like our toaster.

What do I know, it's not like I'm the one going to college right?

You are - with my toaster.

- Okay Eric if it's a problem...
- Oh, it's a problem. You thought you could
just sneak it out of town without telling me

cause you knew it was wrong, didn't ya lady?

Okay Eric, I don't know what your deal is,
but you're ruining our last day together.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't ruin it!

You know what?
Enjoy your toast, I hope it burns!

Oh man, Casablanca. This is the part where
Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman

they'll always have Paris.

What's his problem?
The guy owns a bar, man.

he'd be beating those French sluts off with a stick.

How'd it go with Donna?

I ruined it.

And I knew I was ruining it, while I was ruining it.

I just kept on ruining it.

Now Bogey y'know...

that guy knows how to let a woman go.

"Here's lookin' at you Kid."

I threw a toaster.

Hey if you wanna be like Bogey you gotta let her go.

Only Bogey'll get another hot girl.

You, I see Star Wars conventions and fat chicks.

Hey, Bogey and I have more in common than you think.

Of all the teenage burger hangouts,
in all the towns, in all the world,

she walks into mine, only to walk right back out again.

Play it Fez.

It'll cost you a Baby Ruth.

Hold the line

Love isn't always on time

Oh, no, no

Hold the line

Love isn't always on time

Love isn't always on time

Hold the line

No, love isn't always on time

Now I want a Baby Ruth.

Hey, let's go to the Hub.

- Uh, I can't.
- Let me see that.

Forman, I think there's a rule that when you turn 18 you can't
let Scooby tell you the time anymore.

Shows what you know Hyde, that's Deputy Dawg.

I can't wait until all of Donna's giant clothes are out of the closet.

I don't even go in there now. I'm afraid I'll fall into one of her big shoes,
and never be heard from again.

Well I guess I must be Eric's best friend, 'cause I'm the only one
took the trouble of getting him a birthday cake.

It's good too.

Maybe we should think about getting him something else.
What do you think, Puddin Pop?

Why does everybody keep calling me that? My name's not
Puddin' Pop, I've never heard that name before in my life.

Forman's dead.

Hey if you guys think that's funny, you should
hear what Steven calls me. He calls me his...

Hey!
Oh hey, that's some good cake.

So I heard Eric threw a toaster.

It's almost as bad as the time he called you a poodle head.

Which he brought up again today.

He's not good.

Well I'm just surprised Eric was able to lift the toaster.

Donna I've been looking all over for you. I'm so sorry
I was such a jerk earlier. It's your last day, and it's my birthday

- I just... I wanna spend it together.
- Eric it's okay, I know you don't care about the toaster.

You're sad I'm leaving and I'm sad too.

Hey don't take him back, he threw a toaster.

Hey, shouldn't my surprise party have started already?

We keep telling you there's no party man, it's like you're deaf.

Eric there is NO party.

No, no, no, why are you here?
You can't be here.

Oh right, I'll go outside, then I'll come back,
and you guys yell 'surprise!' and I'll yell 'you got me!'

Eric honey, there's no party.

What?

How can there not be a party? Mom, what is
more important than your only son's 18th birthday?

Okay fine.

For the first time since his heart attack
your father and I are having intercourse.

Sexy

Okay let's get this over with.

Happy birthday.

I can't friggin' believe my Mom didn't plan a friggin' party
on my 18th friggin' birthday.

The only party going on in this house is in their bedroom,
and that's all ugh!

Forman, you hate it when your Mom does stuff for your birthday.
Remember 2 years ago?

I'm 16.

Hey, your mother worked very hard on this party,
now you be nice to her or we're cancelling the puppet show.

Oh sit on the tiny horse, so I can take a picture.

I can't Mom

I'll kill it

Yeah okay, fine

but she should have done something for me.

Well we're here for ya.

We scraped together a few bucks
and got you something you can actually use.

What is it?

It's a knob for your new stereo.

Wait, did you guys just take this off while I wasn't looking?

Eric, there's an old saying.
'Don't look a gift horse in the knob'.

And what happened to my Led Zeppelin 8 track?

You mean gift number 2.

Well hello handsome.

Boy am I tired.

I think I'll just go to bed.

Red Forman what has gotten into you?

I just think that there are more appropriate ways for us to spend our time.

Like you knit and I'll whittle.

That's a nice life.

Red, I know what this is about.

You're afraid of getting physical so soon after your heart attack.

Kitty, you know I love what we do.
Am I willing to die for it?

Now you just relax, nurse Kitty is here to take care of you.

Well, big paw's on the 11

so it's almost time to take Donna to the bus station.

This is it you guys, she's really going away.

Forman, we have just the thing to make you feel better.
Psst.

Another case of beer!

Oh, I'm just not really in the mood to put on a dress.

But thanks anyway Puddin' Pop.

Aw! Look man, if you want her to stay,
can't you just ask her to stay?

You have no idea how badly I wanna do that but I just,

- I don't think it'd be fair to her.
- Fair to her?

Who cares what the woman thinks?
This is America.

Y'know what? I already screwed this up once today,
I am not gonna screw this up again.

I'm gonna fight every bad instinct I have, and I'm just gonna let her go.

Like Bogey did in Casablanca.

Wait so that's it?
Nobody's gonna drink beer and put on a dress?

Hey Fez, you wanna beer?

Sure

Jackie! What did you do to my room?

Your room? Uh, read the wall Donna.

Jackie, this is still my room until I leave, so will you get out
and give me and Eric a few minutes alone?

But I still have to paint the heart over the 'I'

- Out, shoo.
- Oh God, alright Donna!

Okay you're all packed.

I can't believe my baby's leaving.

Well hey, I'll still be around, sir.

Why would I wanna pal around with you?
All you did was dirty her up.

You should probably get going.

Happy birthday, Eric.

Donna

this is the nicest thing anyone's done for me all day.

Make a wish.

Oh boy, do I smell cupcakes?

So...

I'm really gonna miss you.

Yeah me too.

Donna I'm really happy for you.

Well, bye I guess.

Donna wait!

- Donna you have to stay.
- Stay? You're supposed to tell me to go.

No if you leave you'll regret it. Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow, but in a couple of weeks or...

at least by Christmas.

Oh my God, you're such a loser.

- Donna
- Here's looking at you, dork.

What did you wanna tell me?

Have a safe trip.

Thanks

Donna, what?

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

This whole time I was thinking I was supposed to leave,
and then when the time came to get on the bus, I couldn't do it.

I'll figure college out later, all I know is I wanna stay here with you.

Oh my God, Donna.

that's what I wished for.

Donna we didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Did you guys get him drunk and make him wear a dress?

Yes, but I've been wanting to do this for sometime.

To tired?

Yeah that was pretty silly.

Knit and Whittle?

Yeah I hate to whittle.

Where's the aspirin?

Oh like you've never woken up in a dress before?