That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 2 - Join Together - full transcript

All right, Donna put your chair here.
I wanna get Steven's attention,

and with you next to me I'll look
like a tiny porcelain doll.

Y'know Jackie, some people actually
find me to be of normal height.

Sure if they're green and jolly.
- I can't take it.

Watching Donna lie out, knowing she's gonna
go to college and I have to stay here,

She's so, so...

Juicy.

My Juicy.

Well I'm not gonna stay here locked in
the house just cause Jackie looks...

ridiculously hot in
that bathing suit.

- Later Forman.
- Bye bye juicy.



Ladies. Ladies bodies.

I wish someone would rub lotion on my
shoulders. Think they're getting a little red.

Yeah, you should be careful.
Looks like you're starting to scab.

Oh, that's a burn about a burn.
That's a second degree burn!

Y'know Jackie,
I think maybe Hyde's moved on.

No, no, no. You don't just move
on from Jackie Burkhardt.

I'm like the bottle, you need a twelve
step program to break my spell.

Okay ladies. All these sound waves
are interfering with my sunrays.

Let's tan.

Alright, I'm gonna need you to
lotion me up, darling,

but only rub where you
can see. No roaming!

Hey, Mom, Dad,
I have something I wanna tell you.

I've decided not to move away.
- What?

I'm gonna stay and put off
college for just a little while



or at least until you're well enough to go back
to work. - My baby, my baby, my baby.

Mom okay, this is actually kind of embarrassing.
You're actually really hurting me, yeah.

You mean I've been waiting eighteen years
for you to get your butt out of this house,

and now you're staying?

I signed over my pay check to you.
I want you to go buy yourself something pretty.

Or I don't know...
electricity.

Oh honey, thank you.

Red it wouldn't kill you to thank him.
- It might I just had a heart attack.

Speaking of which,
I just found this in the garbage.

Why would you throw away the list of all the food
the doctor said we couldn't have in the house?

Kitty did you look at that list?

If I had known what I was coming
home to after my heart attack,

I would've walked straight into that
bright light and never looked back.

Oh come on,
it can't be that bad.

I'll do it with you. Cause what's good for
the goose, is good for the gander.

Actually, Mom,
Dad's the gander.

The male goose. So it would be what's good
for the gander is good for the goose.

Let's take a gander at what
you're giving up with the gander.

That's how you do that.

Potato chips, other salty snacks.

Good advice, that doctor obviously
knows what he's talking about.

Butter, heavy cream, cheese.
- Gone, makes a lot of sense.

Alcoholic beverages.
- Okay, that doctor's a quack.

God, it's gonna be so hard
going off to college without you.

But we'll see each other
on the weekends right?

Well you say that now,
but then there's that weekend

when you call home and
say you have to study

but I here Moose, the place kicker in the background,
asking if you want another shot of tequila.

Eric, that would never happen.

I would never date a place kicker,
it's Quarterback or nothing for me.

The more I think about
leaving you, the sadder I get.

And the sadder I get,
the more I wanna be with you.

Right now.
- Now?

Well yeah, I...

Whoa, alright this is great, it'll be like
completely spontaneous, like I just...

Why are you talking?
- I'm sorry, I...

So it turns out that going away sex
is even hotter than make up sex.

It's like these chips, they say now
even crunchier, and you're thinking,

oh man there is no way,
but then you take a bite

and it is crunchier.

Dude if something's crunchy,
you should really have that looked at.

There's no time my friend, I have
a distraught neighbour girl to attend to.

Dry your eyes baby,
the lovin's on its way!

Toe ring.
- Oh, Fez you like?

Yeah, got a toe ring.
- On the little piggy that went to the market.

Steven what do you think?
- Can't resist toe ring.

Whatever.

I have all sorts of things now that
I didn't have when we were going out.

Toe ring, tan lines, a tattoo.
- You don't have a tattoo, you're bluffing.

Do you have a tattoo?

Well we're not going out,
so I guess you'll never know.

I think I'm gonna stop wearing
them all together. See ya.

Look at you watching her,
you love her, man.

"Oh, baby, I love you so much."

Were you doing Jackie?
- Yes, yes.

Why am I even thinking about her?
Man, she's like Tahiti.

It's warm and it's beautiful and you wanna go there,
but when you do you get bit by a mosquito

and you get malaria and you're
sick for the rest of your life.

She's obviously not over you either. She's
practically putting on a show to get your attention.

Just imagine it.

I love to dance.

Okay the doctor wins.

Eric and I boxed up all the liquor.

Man, look at all this,
it's like Dean Martin exploded.

There were bottles in the liquor
cabinet, the dining room hutch,

my Mom's nightstand.

Oh no, no, that's for polishing furniture.
- Mom, there's lipstick on it.

It's just your luck Forman.
You're about to turn eighteen

and there's gonna be no
hooch left in the house to steal.

I mean avoid.
Do homework next to.

Pray near.
Come on!

Yeah, it's gonna be pretty boring around here.
You know what you should do? Go to college.

Mom would it be too much to ask for
Dad to be grateful that I'm staying?

Honey, we're all going
through hard times.

You're giving up your future,
I'm giving up my Schnapps.

Let's not compare our pain.

Hey, sorry I'm late.
Donna was really upset about leaving,

so I had to comfort her
in a bedular way.

It turns out if I get her sad, she gives it
away like goldfish at a freakin' carnival.

Eric, I think you may have found
a secret open sesame to sex.

Make the lady cry.

Perhaps I should try
that with my wife.

"Laurie here's a dead cat,
now do me."

A little history Fez, I think
Laurie has a lot of open sesames.

Like, "Hi, Laurie".
That usually does it.

Actually I only ever got as far as 'Hi'.

Fez, I did it with your wife!

God I have so much power
over Donna now, it's like

I know how
Obi-Wan Kenobi feels.

"These aren't the droidsyou're looking for."

Man, I wish I could do it with
Donna in a land speeder on.

That would be so awesome.

Hey, Steven, check out
my new super sexy tattoo.

Hard to keep your hands off, huh?

Steven!

Sorry, here's your tattoo back.

I'll take that.
- Steven, why are you being so difficult?

Jackie, no amount of tattoos or toe rings, are
gonna fix the fact that you have a lot to apologise for.

You're the one who should apologise.
- Then I guess we're not getting back together.

I guess we're not. Oh, and by the way,
you don't deserve a real tattoo.

But if I were to get one, I'd show it
to Fez before I'd ever show it to you.

I hope she gets it on her hienie.

Jackie, it really bugs me that you
and Hyde aren't back together,

so as the man who used
to pleasure you endlessly,

I feel it is my obligation
to step in and fix this,

cause when I'm a cop I'm gonna have to
deal with domestic cases like this all the time.

And the good news is,
he'll have guns.

Yeah, this is gonna be a piece of cake.

Y'know they should have put
me in charge of Vietnam,

I would have had those
people making out in a week.

Wow, Donna, that might be the last time

you'll ever get to see Kelso make
an even bigger mess of a problem.

Yeah I'm gonna miss that.

And I'm gonna miss you.
- Well I'm not gonna miss you two

slobbering all over each other like
fat girls in a house with free meat.

And that might be the last time that
Jackie ever makes fun of us,

fat girls, and meat.

Yeah...

What? - Nothing,
it just could be the last time

that you and I stand
beside the Vista Cruiser.

I just waxed her she's
all slippy slidy.

Donna this might be the last time
I bring you your toothbrush.

That's not my toothbrush.

Might be the last time...
I bring you the wrong toothbrush.

Hello, darling.

I see you are washing
your unmentionables.

Yeah, do you know what gets
out grass stains and Kailua?

Anyways...

I was thinking how sad you must be
considering the mess you made of your life.

With all that sadness,
do you not also get needy?

Y'know, I sorta do.
- Ali Baba, the treasure is mine!

I'm gonna go see
if Carlos is home.

That Carlos is one lucky SOB
to have a wife like mine.

Look, Hyde, I know you don't
wanna tell Jackie that you're sorry,

but there's gotta some things that
you did, that you wish you hadn't done.

Like that time that you told me to eat that
stuff, and I didn't know what it was,

and then you licked your lips,
and you rubbed you stomach

and you were like
'Mmm it's really good Kelso'

and then I ate it and then
I wished I hadn't of done that.

Yeah, well, maybe with Jackie I was
sort of impetuous and maybe a little rash.

Now see, that's something
that Jackie oughta know.

Hyde say's that he was sort of
infectious and he has a rash.

What?
- I'm just telling you what he said.

All right, look, Michael, Steven's the one
who messed up the relationship.

He thought you and I were together
but he was just wrong.

He fabricated the whole mess.
- Well somebody ought to make that clear.

Jackie wants you to know that there was a
mess 'cause she was wearing the wrong fabric.

That can't be what she said.
- It's word for word, man.

Kelso, would you get outta here?
- What, I'm helping.

You're making me wanna
kick your ass.

That better be the rash talking.

Busted, mister.
- You're like a damn cat.

I'm gonna make you wear a bell.

Bad health in a can,
that's what that is.

The doctor said he wants nothing like
that around here, and I agree.

All it takes is a little bit
of will power, Red.

Even though you used to do
something without thinking,

you just have to grab a hold
of those thoughts.

Can I get you a refill there?

Well there's a lesson for you.

You're welcome.

Oh hey, listen, son.

It means a lot to your mother, you
staying here and helping out the family.

And as for me I...

There. Doctor said I should
write down my feelings.

Are you actually thanking me?

This is a list of yard work.

Yeah, the lawn thanks you for all
that mowing you're gonna do.

You're welcome, Dad.
- Yeah, well.

All right, we're both men here.

Oh, God.
- What's wrong?

Nothing it's just this could
be the last time that...

you and I watch Gilligan get hit
on the head by the Skipper.

Eric, the more we talk about me
going away, the sadder you get.

And being with you so much
lately has been great, but

afterwards? well you always used
to look a little bit ashamed

and I mean now you
just seem depressed.

Oh no, no, I'm not depressed,
Donna, you are depressed.

Okay, let's do this.

All this last time stuff, have you
been saying that just for sex?

What? Have I... what?

This is not the one
you're angry with.

You're disgusting.

That might be the last time we fight over
you trying to get me to have sex with you.

Y'know Fez, this whole thing with
Hyde and Jackie is stupid.

They both wanna be together,
and they would in a second

f they just thought that other
one had said I'm sorry.

Eureka, Fez, Eureka!

I'm one step ahead of you my friend.
- Yeah I'll just lie to both of them,

and tell them the other one said I'm sorry.
- I thought we were going to pan for gold.

Okay, here we go,
let's make up.

All right, look, Steven,
I heard what you said.

Yeah, I heard what... wait a minute,
you heard what I said?

Yeah, Michael told me,
and just so you know I'm sorry too.

Too?

No, you're not sorry too,
you're sorry one, I'm sorry too.

Wait, what, no Michael said that...
- Yeah, he said that...

I did my work, you two gotta
clean this mess up yourselves.

So nothing's changed then?
- Guess no.

Forget this.
- Okay, enough.

Look, you guys, who
cares who apologised first?

Jackie obviously wants to be with you,
and you're here which means

that you wanna be with
her and I don't blame you,

cause with that rash you ain't
got a whole lotta choices.

All right, look, Steven,
do you wanna be with me?

No, no a shrug's not gonna cut it.
Steven, I need you to say something.

All right, look, I'll even go first.

Steven I wanna be with you.
And you...

I...

Can you hang on a second?

Would you get outta here?

If you want me to leave, all you have
to do is say please. - Fine, please.

That's better.

Jackie, I do wanna be with you.

Because you love...
- Don't push it.

Okay, Steven, where's your beer?
- What? Me, beer?

Kitty threw away all my beer,
the Packers are down by 11,

you're 18, I know you have beer,
so where's your beer?

I don't want used beer.

Well, I might have a couple
of fresh ones in the shower.

Yeah, I'm running low,
I should probably hit the store.