That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Kids Are Alright - full transcript

So...cold...

can?t... use the force...

- Eric
- Leia?

Oh, Hi

Were you like that all night?

No! No!

from 1 to 4 I was whimpering

because your knee was in my back

yeah, we get to Madison next week...
Were getting? a bigger bed

Eric, my knee was in your back because
you were trying to hump me in your sleep

No, I wasn?t asleep



I gotta go,

my folks come home from the hospital, today

Donna, what?s going on in there?!
Donna!

Um, just a minute, dad

- This is yours!
- No, time!

- I?m coming in!
- Hi, daddy

-I heard voices
- Oh, that was me!

you know greeting this beautiful morning

Get out

May I ask why you?re wearing my daughters blouse?

I thought you?d be mad if I was nude

Oh, what the hell?!

Fez?

Oh, my God!
Did you see anything?



Not, much you should really
think about a night light

Yeah, it?s a sweatband,
I?m wearing sweatbands now

What are you doing?

Well, police academy starts in a week
so I gotta get in shape...

So I?m eating raw egg?s,
like Rocky.

Kelso? Rocky, ate raw eggs
?cause he was training for a fight

if he was training to be a cophe?d just
flunk out a high school and grow a bad mustache

Oh, I?m growing the bad mustache

Ooh! Forman, just because there?s a sale at Penny?s
doesn?t mean you gotta buy everything

Hey, Fez, your suppose to bring your date home
and then take her pants off

Fellas, I?m afraid your little jokes don?t bother me
because soon I will be starting my new life in Madison,

where if I so choose I can wear ladies cloths all I want!

Really? Where is this Madison?

So I can go there and kick their dress-wearing asses

Guys come on. I?m all man,
I?m married to Eric?s slutty sister

- Yeah, how?s that going?
- Oh, not great

but I?m pretty sure when Laurie gets back
from our honeymoon in Cancun, things will pick up

- Laurie went on your honeymoon alone?
- Oh, no that would be crazy

she took her friend, Carlos,
along to keep an eye on her...

But I paid for both of them so everyone
knows who the man is in this deal

Hellos, Boys, it is me, the object of your desire

- Hi Jackie - So, Jackie,
you choose between me and Kelso, yet?

I?m on my way to the pool right now to think about it

rest assured! when I?m in my most delicious
shade of cocoa brown, you will have your answers.

Well this might tip the scales,
I?m not wearing anything underneath my tracksuit

- This is stupid, all right, I?m outta here

Hey, Jackie you want to see something hot?
watch me drink raw eggs!

- Oh, M-Michael--
- Jackie, hold on I?m drinking my eggs

- No Michael
- Jackie! whatever it is I?m sure it can wait until after I drink my eggs

Fine!

- Now, what is so important?
- You?re allergic to eggs!

Oh, man, I am

Yeah, I gotta go to the hospital

That?s okay, I?ll drive. I gotta pick up my folks anyway.

So, uh, Hyde? Your competition for Jackie is, uh...

... egg boy!

Ooh, that must be so humiliating

Fez, your wife?s on your honeymoon with another guy

Oh, no, no, no Carlos is just like a,
he?s kinda like a-like a chaperone, he, uh...

Son of a BITCH!

How you doin? back there, Kels??

My eyes fell tight, do I look okay?

- Oh my God!
- What? What?

Nothing, we?re just shocked at how...

Great ...you look

Oh, it?s the sweatband.
I?m wearing sweatbands now.

Come on, Kitty, lets get the hell out of this weird place

I think some of these nurses are stealing drugs

Red, I am a nurse here

I stand by my statement

Okay, Mr. Forman just to be clear.

no going to work, no chores, no driving for three months

- and lets not forget the root cause of the problem?
- To much rage, right?

Yeah, so he probably shouldn?t, like...
Yell at anyone, anymore right?

Actually, the reason he ran into trouble is he was holding stuff in

He was holding stuff in?
Okay!

I weigh 42 pounds ?cause of what he let out and
I?m sorry your telling me that, uh

there?s more in there?

No no no

He does not weigh 42 pounds...
and these two are the best of buddies!

?Hey, Dad wanna go fishing??
?Sure, son, let?s hug?

that?s what it?s like at our house

See what I mean about the drugs?

What you need to do is focus on things
that make you happy

Ok...But...I don?t know were we?re gonna find
a boat load of dead commies

They gave me four shots, none in the arm

Hey, pretty lady you like what you see?

Jackie, when are you gonna decide
between Kelso and Hyde?

I already have

- What?
- Yeah...

Oh, here you go little boy

- So, who?d you pick?!
- Well...

Wow, this ball must be hard to catch, huh?

I chose Steven, and I?m gonna tell him today

I cannot wait to see the look on his face

Oh, my God! What if he cries?

Yeah, that?s not gonna happen

Oh, I?ll make him cry, you watch and see

Hey, what are you--?

You get a good look you little perv!

She touched me and it was awesome!

Now, get you,

upstairs for your nap...and Eric he needs quiet,
so no shenanigans!

Mom, please, I haven?t Shenaniganed in about six years...

I?ve hooliganed,
I?ve no-good nicked

I?ve ne?er done well, just yesterday
I caught myself rabble Rousing --

Will you SHUT UP!

Welcome home, Dad!

YOU! You got a lot of nerve...

Showing your face around here after
what you did to my daughter

- Hey, I did you a favor that girls been passed around this town
- Nooooo

Okay, You have already given him one heart attack...
That?s enough, now hush

Hey, look buddy, rasionettes!

Okay, okay, nap time

Oh Eric, your father has a check up
next week so I need you to take him

Mom, I have to register for college, remember?
This- I?m not gonna be here, I?m moving away

- Oh, so your still going?
- Yes, I?m still going, to college

- Fine!
- Mom, I gotta get outta here

Oh, Kitty let him go,
odds are he?s not gonna amount to anything

and I don?t want him blaming me

See?
that is exactly the kind of thing that I have to get away from.

- Fine!
- Great!

- Great!
- Fine!

- Oh, my heart Iiiiiiiiii---
- Dad, Dad!

I just thought I?d break the tension

that?s gonna come in handy

Okay, no more fake heart attacks !

Next time you clench your chest you?d
better see some a bright light and some dead relatives

Hey little brother,
Hey, hubby!

Don?t ?hubby? me, I?m mad at you!

Aw, but I brought you a souvenir

Oh, look Fez, a genuine Cancun shot glass

still sticky with tequila!

Aaw, you shouldn?t have

No biggie, some guy left it in my room

Okay...Steven, I?m here to tell you,
I?ve made my decision

I choose you!

Yeah, I?m a good kisser

Here?s your gum back.

Oh, Steven, I missed you so much

Hyde, you ready?

Yeah, lets hit it

Who is this?

This is my date, you didn?t think I was gonna
wait around for you all summer, did you?

Looks like you traded up

Oh, you better back off

-Back off or what?
- I?ll call your parents.

My parents don?t speak midget

Okay, okay, I hate myself for
stopping a girl fight, let?s just...

-- Ah, screw it, Go! Go!

All right, Steven you made your point now...
Please, stay here with me

I?m sorry but I got plans.
Hey, maybe you should go work on you tan

Skank!

Okay, here you go

egg whites only,
no yolks they?re bad for you

But the yellow part is the baby bird

that?s the part I wanna eat

Sorry...too much cholesterol, which also means no bacon

just good old heart-healthy Ham

Bacon

Ah, this is so good

and is...
so much better than ham

And for you,

my famous chocolate chip,
Carmel whipped cream pancakes!

Maom, your not gonna bribe me into staying home
from school

with super sweet breakfast food

Where are my sprinkles?

No, no the pancakes are an apology, I
overreacted before of course you have to go to school

- So that?s it? It?s- no guilt?
- That?s right

What a nice, warm family moment!

Lets celebrate...With bacon

Bacon

Steven, how could you go out with another girl
when I chose you?

Jackie, when I said choose between me and Kelso,
I meant choose me, right then

making me sit around
and wait it out is immature.

I want what I want when I want it,
what is so immature about that?

Forget it, Jackie,
maybe your just not my type

Whoa! That was rough,

even I?ve had a better day then you and
my head swelled up to five times it?s normal size

Oh, my God, Donna? Madison has a course called
The Social Significance...Of Jedi Culture

Mom, what- why are you doing laundry?
It?s almost midnight...

Well, with your dad not working,
I had to pick up a double shift at the hospital

this is the only time I have to do it

- Okay, don?t do this
- Do what?

Come down here in the middle of the night,
doing laundry, looking like hell--

- Oh, excuse me
- No, I...

I?m just saying, your trying to make me feel guilty
for leaving and it?s not gonna work...

I can?t stay here, okay?

I have to go off and live my life. I disserve
that Mom, I disserve a chance

Okay, okay, no need to use your squeaky voice

I understand that you have to leave, I have bigger things
to worry about then making you feel guilty

- Eric, if you feel like you need to stay, I mean, we can talk about
- No no!

- We?re leaving next week...and that?s final!
- Ok

Yeah, it?s bacon

and I don?t care if you tell your mother.
She doesn?t scare me!

Eric I almost forgot!

How could Steven say I?m not his type?
I?m everybody?s type, that?s my thing

Well, at least you don?t have
to worry about me chasing after you anymore

I mean, most of the stuff you and Hyde use to argue about?
I didn?t even understand

which makes me think you?ve become
a complicated woman and I don?t want none of that

So, your really okay with us just being friends

Yeah, I release you

Fly, little bird, fly, fly away!

That was you

- Michael, do you think I?m immature?
- No, your almost fully grown

Well...Steven thinks so

Apparently, I?m immature and that skank
in the leather jacket is what? Cool?

Well I can be cool, people can change.

Olivia Newton-John did it for John Travolta,
and that movie was totally realistic.

- Wow.
- Yowza.

Yummy!

Jackie?

Tell me about it, Steve?

"You're the One That I Want" Playing

I got chills

They're multiplyin!

And I'm losin' control

For the power
you're supplyin'

It's electrifyin'

You'd better shape up

'cause I need a man

and my heart is set on you

You better shape up

You better understand

To my heart,
I must be true

Nothing left,
nothing left for me to do

You're the one that I want

Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey!

The one that I want

You are the one I want

Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey!

The one that I want

Ooh, ooh, ooh

The one I need

Oh, yes, indeed

Yes, indeed

Oh, Jackie, your so much cooler than
that skank I was with before.

Please take me back.

?cause we belong together like
Bop-booba-loo-ba, sha-walla, she-bang, she-bang

Ah! The whole gang is back together again

Yes, they did it

Are you gonna sing?

Cause I?ve heard you sing and

your not gonna sing, are you?

No, but I?m gonna get Steven back, whatever it takes

and I?m gonna get me a pair of those
black satin pants ?cause I look good in those

- Mom?
- Fabric softener! I?m up!

Mrs. Forman, are you okay?

Oh, sure...Oh, God, I?m late for work

Your working tonight?

Well, honey, nights can be our busiest time.
Lots of people stroke out after a big salty dinner

But you worked all day

I know Okay, there?s food in the...

Oh, who am I kidding, there?s no food!

They can?t do this to me!

they cannot do this to me I gotta get outta here!

of all the people in history of the world that have ever had to
get anywhere It is me HAVING TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
I have to go!...

I have to stay

Donna, I?m sorry

Sorry?
Eric, I think its amazing that you?d do that for your family.

and you know we?ll see each other on the weekend?s

Oh, so your still going?

Yeah, I mean...

Yeah

Yeah...No, of course

Oh, come on!
I think I have something that might make you feel better?

Hey, um...Can we just like..
Could we just sit for a while

Yeah, sure.

Sit for a while?

If I hadn?t found this bacon
I?d be really pissed of

I mean, just because I don?t wear dresses...
And, I know how to fix a car

doesn?t mean I don?t like to be told I?m pretty

Wow, it?s like I?m reading my own journal

- I think you're pretty,
- I think you're really pretty

I think you're pretty

Stop!

Is this really happening?

Shh! You?ll break the spell!