That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 20 - Squeeze Box - full transcript

You know, before we decided
not to have sex..

you decided.

I'm ready.

Right. I decided.

Movies were just a dark place to fool
around before we went home and did it,

but now

we can really watch the movie.

Isn't that great?

It's fabulous.

I mean, there's nothing
I hate more than the feeling

that I'm about to have sex.



Hi.

Hi!

Hey!

Hi!

Okay.

Isn't that the girl
who sells slurpees?

Why is she saying "hi"
to you?

I don't know. It's weird.
I've never talked to her before.

I mean, maybe one time I said,

"you're out of spoon straws,"
but that's it.

great.

Now I have to sit through "Kramer vs. Kramer"
again with no shot at nookie.

First time we saw it,
I said, "you know,

dads can be good parents, too,"



and Donna's shirt just

floated off.

what is wrong with me?

A boy's gonna lose his mother, and all
I can think about is fooling around.

I am such a dirty girl.

I should be spanked.
Ooh, stop it!

Screw it. Sneak attack
is my only hope.

I'm gonna go with
the yawn and grab.

Watch out for my hand, pretty mama,
'cause I'm not really tired.

Oh, god. It's the yawn and grab.

How do I stop it?

Oops!

Oh, sorry.

Oh, come on.
It's okay.

Great.

Now my lap's covered
in hot buttered popcorn.

That's the most action
I've gotten in weeks.

Oh,

thanks for helping move Pam into my house,
Kitty. You know what they say...

lady number three's a charm.

You have been so warm and friendly.
You simply must teach me how to be like that.

Pam, I'd just like to say
on behalf of Fez and myself,

that it is a privilege and a turn-on
to carry your underthings.

And you don't have to pay me.
I took a few souvenirs.

Well, enjoy.

Oh, Red, I'd help you with the boxes,
but I don't want to tire myself out.

I'm gonna be up all night
welcoming Pam to the house.

Okay, see you later. Have fun.
Close your shades.

What do we do with these boxes?

Let's just stick 'em in there.

Hi, boys.

Mitch, what are you doing here?

Oh, I made a peach cobbler for Donna, and I forgot
to leave it when I was in here last night.

You weren't in here last night.

Well, not as far as you know.

Okay, look, Mitch, I know you're in love
with her, but it's not gonna work out.

You're as big as you're gonna get.

And trust me, okay?
Donna's still growing.

Jackie, we need to talk.

Eric and I came really close to doing it,
and I am so jacked-up on hormones,

I feel like I could jump
the first guy I see.

Then look my way, pretty lady.

Okay, Mitch,

you know I love having you around
'cause you say really nice things about me.

Like how the sun pales in radiance
to the beauty of your smile?

- Yeah, like that.
- Yeah.

But I have to talk to Jackie,
and it's girl stuff.

Oh, you're so strong.

You make me feel like
Jessica Lange in "King Kong."

Hey, Red.

Hi, boys.

I could kill you without
making a sound.

You know, I'm worried we don't have
enough chicken for dinner tonight.

Do these breasts look big enough?

I'm not comfortable
with that question.

- What?
- What?

What?

what are you laughing at?

Just life. It's a hoot.

Well,

I don't know what's in that orange juice,
but I'm gonna pour myself a glass.

- Red, what I want to know is, what did
Pam mean? - Not here... Toyota.

This is the only place that's safe.

Look,

if I was a single man,

what we saw today would be, like,
a reward for a life time of disappointments.

But I'm not.

So it's just another disappointment.

For you, maybe.

I saw 'em.
I don't care who knows it.

You better care,
'cause if Kitty finds out,

I'm taking you down with me.

And when I take people down,
they stay down.

Just ask North Korea.

But I have so many questions.

I mean, I've been flashed before.

But it was always followed
with either, "get out!"

Or "there's a 2-drink minimum,"

but, "hi, boys"?

It has me reeling.

Oh, maybe she was coming on to us.

She wasn't coming onto us.

She was coming onto me.

She heard about my war record.

I'm a hero.

You know why Darth Vader
went to the dark side?

He was dating a redhead
who wouldn't put out.

So you are like Darth Vader
in the sense that you're not getting any.

But you are not like Darth Vader
in the sense that

you are weak and strike fin no one.

Well, this is certainly one way
to spend an afternoon.

I never really got into making models.

Guess I was too busy having sex.

Hey, I don't have sex,
and I still don't build models.

I don't have a single model or a single girl.
My life is an empty hole.

Hey, nice job. You put the force
field generators on backwards.

One photon torpedo,
and you're space toast.

Okay, Eric, that's it.

I think we should have sex.

- Yes!
- No!

Okay, I'm going crazy
not being with you.

You may not be a strong man,

but you read my body like braille.

Burn!

Wait. W-what's "braille"?

you two were awfully quiet at dinner tonight.
Is there anything I should know about?

- No.
- No.

- I'll get it.
- Me too.

Hi, boys.

oh, Kitty,

every time I come to this house I'm amazed
by how much you've done with so little.

Here. We brought Kahl?a.

Well, aren't you just an angel sent
from after-dinner drink heaven?

She wanted to get you cookies,
but I know how much you like the sauce.

- Red...
- Toyota!

Did you see that look
she just gave us?

Was that,

"please don't tell anyone
you saw my boobs"?

Or, "please come over and
see my boobs again"?

Do you have to keep
saying that word?

Let's just call them...

"them."

This is the last time we ever talk about it.
From here on out, it never happened.

- But, Red--
- Steven,

I have been to war.

I have seen a lot of
things in my life.

And there only three things that I was gonna
keep secret until the day I die.

This is number four.

And five.

Okay, the tractor beam
is operational.

Don't get too close.

You really gonna shine
your love light on that?

Well, he's a different person between
the sheets. What can I say?

Hey, guys. Hey, listen,

tomorrow I have this police test
on interrogation techniques.

I was wondering if I could practice
on somebody. Jackie, how about you?

Oh, well, no. This is your first time. You're gonna
need somebody much more spineless than me.

Try Eric.

Yeah, that's good thinking.

All right, Mr. Forman,

if that is indeed your real name...

what did you do on the
day of yesterday?

You'll never get it out of me,
copper. I'm no rat!

Kelso, what the hell?!

Oh, just relax, Eric.
I'm just doing good cop/bad cop.

That was the bad cop,
but he's gone now.

See, now good cop is here
to take care of you.

Hey, how you doin', buddy?

It's a real shame about what happened
to your model.

Why don't you tell me
what you did yesterday?

I came home from the restaurant

and spent six hours
building that model!

Uh, excuse me.
I'm sorry to interrupt,

but what about your encounter at the store
with the girl who sells slurpees?

What?

Yeah, you remember. She asked why you
never call her anymore. You were like...

ooh.

Wait. Is that the girl
from the movies?

Donna, I'm asking
the questions here.

Was that the girl
from the movies?

What happened to,
"I barely know her"?

What happened to,
"I barely know her"?

Why were you calling her, Eric?

- Why were you calling her, Eric?
- Kelso, will you shut up?!

Oh, yeah, it's getting
hot in here, isn't it?!

Look, Donna...

maybe I kinda know her.

Maybe we kinda went out a

couple times when you were
dating Kelso's brother

Wait. You got other girls besides
Donna to go out with you?

What is this obsession
with the underdog?

So...

...the other day at the movies
you lied to me?

Donna,

I am the senior officer here.

So the other day at the
movies you lied to me.

No, I...

you know, I mean,
it was the movies, you know?

It's all make-believe.

Okay, you know what?

Don't bother coming over tonight.

My sexual tension has been replaced
with another familiar emotion--

anger at your scrawny ass!

- No!
- Yes!

Well, good job, Michael.

You solved one crime
and prevented an even bigger one...

Donna having sex with Eric.

You have the right to remain...
burn!

I'm just glad I could help
the truth be told.

Yeah, at least someone's
being honest around here.

Mitch,

what the hell?

What. I thought you came off
looking great. Oh, wait.

That was me.

everyone, I want to thank you
for making me so welcome.

I feel like the only guest
at an inexpensive backwoods hotel.

Steven, you're so tense.

Of course he's tense,mom.

You're the one who taught me that if your man's
not tense when you walking to the room,

... that means you're doing
something wrong.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm tense because of you,

'cause you're..

too pretty.

Oh, Red,

I was gonna get you a thank you gift for
helping with the move, but then I figured,

nah.

So thanks.

Don't mention it, Bob.

Don't mention anything about
that day ever again.

Why? It was a pretty good day.

Nothing got broken.
Nobody got hurt.

You two even got to see Pam topless.

Yeah, first time I saw 'em,
I was speechless, too.

Alright.

I admit that we saw Pam's

them.

But it's not like we planned it.

Although our timing couldn't
have been better.

Oh, I think you mean
"worse," Steven.

No, I'm pretty sure
I meant "better."

Red, how could you?

Kitty, we just opened the door,
and there she was

what was I supposed to do,
rip the eyes out of my head?

Don't feel bad, you guys.

This isn't the first time my
body has caused a fight.

One time I caused a riot
on a topless beach in Venezuela.

Imagine what you saw,
only all tanned and oiled.

Oh.

She told me to.

Well hate to let the cat out of the bag
and then leave, but

looks like that's exactly
what we're gonna do.

Enjoy your fight

I can't believe you saw my mother topless
and didn't tell me about it right away.

What, so every time I see another woman's
breasts I'm supposed to tell you?

Now I know.

I am so mad.
I can't even stand to look at you.

And yet you do.

Because your eyes work.
You see my problem?

All right. All right. We're going.

I can't believe Eric lied
to me about that girl.

I mean, we're getting married.
I should know everything about him.

If I have to know that he wore
a bathing suit in the tub until he was 12...

yeah, tell everybody.

I should know who he dated.

That's right. Just get it off
your chest, Donna.

all the rage and the anger
and the clothing.

Hey, Hey, Hey

there's only room for one
creepy pervert in this group,

and that's me.

Around here, i'm the one who
drools over all the ladies.

Well, I don't drool over
all the ladies,

just Donna.

A specialist, ha?

Ok we'll try it your way.

Oh my god. You don't think
Eric and that girl..

Made sweet emotional love?
Yes, I do.

Bought many a slurpee from her. And from
what I can tell, she'll do it with anyone

Did she do it with you?

No, she has way too much
self-respect for that.

I am gonna march right
in that room and

tell my mother there are consequences
on her topless actions.

And that she needs to start wearing
pantyhose. This isn't Las Vegas.

Oopsy Doosy

So then she goes, "Hi, Boys"

I mean, that has to be
a "come on", right?

saw this dirty movie once

where the plumbers knock on the door
and the lady answers, and says "hi, boys"

after that, it was all
asses and elbows.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, Hyde.

There's a lot of guys that Pam
would choose before you and Red

All right, it goes "me"

then Bob

Fez,

then you...

Red, then me again

Then Donna, then Eric.

Okay, Eric, there's something
I need to know.

Did you or did you not do
it with the slurpee slut?

What?

He answered a question with a question.
That means he's guilty.
Now let's ditch him and carry me out of here.

Donna,

I did not sleep with her.

Well, you lied to met about her before,
so why should I believe you now?

You don't believe me?

Fine.

Let me show you what I was doing
while you were with Casey.

You're gonna hide in your
bedroom and cry?

Or you gonna try to
write a song again?

Hey guys, what rimes with "pain"?

I loved that song

Everyday is like rain
when you're in pain.

Ok, Donna

This is is a box full of model that
I made while you were with Casey Kelso.

Look at this : Tie Fighters, assault
vehicules and troop transports

all with minor defects in workmanship.
Ye he made these, all right.

So this is what you did
when we were apart?

Oh my horny nerd boy

Donna, there's a reason
I didn't tell you about her.

She wasn't important.

The whole time we broke up..
you know...

you know I never
stopped loving you.

Eric.

Hyde,

I never stopped loving you, either.

Don't.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

You guys better be kidding,
or I'm gonna be super pissed.

So

can I suggest that

we honor the age-old tradition of making up
after a fight, not just spiritually,

but physically?

How about a brand-spanking-new tradition
where I buy you a milkshake and a "playboy"?

Donna, whoa. I'm insulted.

I do not need a milkshake. Let's go.

So they're back together
and everything's fine?

That sucks.

See what happens
when you specialize?

I can go and make any number of
ladies uncomfortable.

What can you do?

what do you think he meant
by, "whoopsy doozy"?

Not here. Toyota!

Oh, I'm so freaked out,
Mrs. Forman.

I'm gonna have to sleep
with the light on.

What are you two
doing out here?

We--we were just...

uh-oh!