That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 21 - 5:15 - full transcript

- Hey, guys.
- Mitch!

I thought I heard
a matchbox car pull up.

Yeah, I'm short, and you're shaped like
a lollipop. I'm not in the mood, Forman.

My brother Jack's wedding is tomorrow,
and I don't have a date.

Oh, did you try Aly Richards?
She'll go anywhere there's cake.

That's how I got her
into my car.

But then I ate the cake,
and she left.

Oh, I'm in a real bind here.

I showed up at the engagement party alone.
My family made so much fun of me.

So I said to myself,
'cause, of course, I was alone,

that I would bring someone sizzling hot
with me to the wedding.



Hey, Donna,
would you be my date?

Mitch, I don't know
what to say.

Oh, let me help you out.
"NO!"

Donna, if you went with me, I might finally
earn some respect from my family.

Let me say this for you
one more time in Spanish.

NO!

I taught him that.

Eric,

it seems harmless.

No, Donna, I'm sorry, but

I forbid it.

Oh.

Mitch, I'd love to go.

- Donna, what the hell?
- No,



I forbid you to ask me
questions about this.

- But, Donna...
- Let me tell you one more time in Spanish...

oh, hey, Donna, thanks so much
for doing this.

Sure, but, you know, just friends.

You don't get to touch
any of this juicy stuff.

No, don't worry. I'll even ask another
couple to be, like, chaperones.

Hey, Jackie,
do you and Hyde want to go?

Oh, I'm in.
But I can't ask Steven.

I'm still on probation for tricking him
into a ballroom dancing class.

I'll go with you, Jackie, but I warn you...
don't drink too much.

I will take advantage.

Wow.

I can't believe you finally sprung for
cable tv. Wasn't it you who said,

"I'd rather kiss Ho Chi Minh
than pay for tv"?

Well, your mother and I are running out
of things to talk about, so

I thought the extra 20 channels
might help fill in the gaps.

Cable guy left? He forgot to hook up
the basement.

No, he didn't so much forget as follow my
"don't hook up the basement" instructions.

But, Red, for an extra 2 bucks a month,
your wife and children could be enjoying
full-frontal nudity.

But I don't want you
to enjoy anything.

I want people your age
out of my house.

Hey, I'm only here
'cause you had a heart attack.

I only had a heart attack
because you're here.

I'm sorry, Michael, but I'm gonna
have to search that bag.

Every time you leave my house with a
backpack, I have to buy new hair spray.

I didn't take anything.
This is lunch.

I planned a whole romantic day
for me and Brooke.

So where are you
and Brooke headed?

Well, since she's having a baby, I thought
I'd take her to a place that kids and girls like,

so I figured I'd start the date off
at an amusement park

and we'd go on a ride
on the "lightning whip".

I'm gonna take her horseback riding up to
this overlook, and then we're gonna get cozy

and drink a little Bingo-Bango.

Oh, sweetie, you're so wrong,
it makes me want to cry a little.

Pregnant women can't go on roller coasters,
and they definitely can't drink alcohol,

or bad things can happen to the baby.

Case in point.. Eric.

Well, we didn't know
any better back then.

I'm teaching a baby-care class at the hospital.
If you brought Brooke, I think she'd be very impressed.

All right. Yeah, sign us up.

You know, there was a time that all I had to do
to impress a girl was turn my eyelids inside out.

This baby's changing
everything. Oh.

Thanks again for doing this, Donna.

Grandpa saw me walk in with you,
and he slipped me a 20.

Here, you should have this.

See, that kind of makes me a hooker.

Well, hello.

Looks like we're sharing
a table here.

Here's your drink, here's your bread,
and here's your new lover.

You wish.

I'm sitting next to a goddess.

I know. Didn't my hair
come out great tonight?

Not you, shorty. Her.

I need your help.

Oh, this is so easy, Fez.
She's like me.

She's a country club girl,
and we're bitches.

We only understand one thing.. money.

- How much should I give her?
- No.

Fez, act rich.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Eric.

Eric, what are you doing here?

I changed my work schedule
so I could make sure that Mitch keeps
his tiny little doll hands to himself.

Eric, Mitch is not a threat to you.

Okay, he's a perfectly harmless guy
who happens to worship the ground I walk on.

You know, it's not his fault
that I'm eye candy.

Well, relax. Don't worry.
Everything will be fine.

Welcome to the holiday hotel ballroom.
I'll be your waiter this evening,

but unlike a normal waiter,
I despise and may try to destroy you.

Waiter,

I'm rich.

And as a rich man,
I have much more money than you.

Fez, I'm really not in the mood.

Sometimes I'm not in the mood to
count all my money, but I do it
anyway because I am a fat cat.

Yeah, well, your bow tie is starting
to unclip, fat cat.

Unbelievable. They come to this country.
We give them a job...

they're just so ungrateful.

I'm Christy. And you are?

Ferrari.

Fez Ferrari.

hahaha.. oh, this charity car wash
was a great idea, girls.

Let's take our shirts off!

Who changed my channel?

What the...

Steven!

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Stealing my cable!

Red, before you blow your stack,

why don't you take a look at that
car wash girl?

She is so sudsy.

You drilled a hole in my floor.

My foot is about to drill
a hole in your ass!

But, Red, the car wash girls
have to make $500

or their super-freaky love nest
is gonna be turned into a bookstore.

Look, there's only one clicker,
and that's upstairs.

My cable, my channel.

stop spraying me, silly, or I'm gonna have
to come over there and kiss you.

Tasha, you want a kiss, too?
Wow, Tasha, you have the biggest..

...thunderstorms, which will result
in a small-craft advisory on lake superior.

No, no!

Man, look at all these preggos.

God, that one's walking
like a gigantic duck.

She's definitely in her third trimester.
The baby probably dropped.

Nah, I think it's still in there.

It means the baby's gotten itself
into the birthing position.

Oh. Man, you really know stuff.

Well, I've read every
baby book in the library.

By the way, did you ever read
that book I gave you by Dr. Spock?

No, I kind a lost interest when I realized
it wasn't about "Star Trek."

Well, you signed us up for this class,
and that was very thoughtful.

Well, that's me.
I'm Mr. Thoughtful.

Man, how many kids
are you having?

Oh, hi, Michael. Hope you're ready
to talk boo-boos, burps and binkies.

Yeah, uh, Brooke, this is Mrs. Forman,
the lady that told me I shouldn't
take you horseback riding.

And, Mrs. Forman, this is Brooke,
the hot librarian I impregnated.

Well, I am so happy
you two are here.

And you should be happy, because you have
me as your tour guide as

you make the transition
to parenthood.

Michael.

But that could have been anybody.
Everybody knows I rule.

Okay, all right, okay.
Let's get started.

Now, when you first bring your little
bundles of joy home, they will spend almost
20 hours a day sleeping and pooping.

Man, that's the life, huh?

Now who can tell me what they will do
with the rest of their cute, little time?

- Ooh. Yes, Brooke.
- They'll be eating.

Very good.
And what will they be eating?

Hey, when you're not looking, I'm
gonna sneak the little guy some popcorn.

Michael, babies can't eat popcorn.
They don't even have teeth.

My grandma bessie doesn't have
any teeth, and trust me, she ain't
shy around a bucket of popcorn.

Well, Christy says money's great, but she
wants to get to know the real me. And,

And, um, I really care about her.
So what's another fake, good quality

I could pretend to have
to trick her into the sack?

Okay, um, okay, well, she's wearing fur,
which means she must love animals,

which means she must
like sensitive guys.

Sensitive, huh?

Mm-hmm. Oh, you're good.

Hey, cutie. Where you been?

Who the hell do you think you are,
talking to me like that? I'm sensitive.

I..I guess it's a tradition for
the best man to say a few words.

And all I really want to say
is that my brother

is not the only one fortunate enough
to find himself in love's warm embrace.

So, everybody, I'd like to introduce you
to Donna.. my new fianc?e.

Or as I like to call her, my big,
red love machine. That's her.

Mitch, what the hell are you doing?

Ooh, look at that fireball go.

Feisty at the table,
feisty in the bedroom.

No. No. She's feisty in my bedroom,
people. My bedroom.

Okay, he's just some lying, crazy lunatic.
He's crazy. This guy's crazy.

And, uh,

my congratulations to
the happy couple.

This is the best wedding
I have ever been to.

...barometric pressure
from a cold front out of Canada.

Look at all that hail in Buffalo.

How can you watch this?

It comforts me to know that there are
people out there more miserable than me,

like those people in Buffalo...
and you.

You have to sit here?
Why don't you go read a book?

Why don't you go read a book?

Because... I have cable.

Very nice.

Baby says, "it's tight, but not too tight, and
I wuv the way you powdered my wittle bottom."

I never thought I'd say this,
but you gotta take it easy on the 'nads.

I know what I'm doing. It's just,
it sounded so much easier in the books.

Okay, there.

Ooh, let's have a look. Uh-oh.

Baby says, "that's too loose.
Now I'm gonna wee-wee on daddy."

I just have to redo the safety pin.
God, why can't I do this?

Oh, no. Baby says, "ouch, you poked me.
Now I'm gonna cry. Wah! Wah!"

That's it. I give up.

"Oh, mommy, don't leave me. I don't want
to end up in state-run foster care. Wah! Wah!"

You know, you seem normal around your family,
but out in the world, you're a little nuts.

So it turns out

I was right about Mitch.

So let's see, that's you, wrong.

Me,

right.

All right, you don't have to rub it in.

Uh, I think I do, Donna...
So rub-a-dub-dub, I'm right.

I am humiliated!

The only way I'm gonna get my pride
back is to kick your ass!

So I'm challenging you to a fight.

That is, unless you're too chicken.

What is this, third grade?

Okay, here's what I just heard.
ba-gawk, ooh, third grade, ooh.

Okay, you can stop doing that.

- Bawk, I can stop doing that, bawk.
- Okay, fine. You know what? I'll fight you. Fine.

Good. Tomorrow! 5:15, the playground.
You be there!

Um, why not just do it at 5?

I have swimming lessons!

thank you so much for helping me
with Christy.

She was telling me what she did
last summer at camp,

and I think she might be a whore.

- So if there's anything I can do for you..
- Actually, Fez, there is.

When the bride tosses the bouquet,
I really want to catch it.
It's such a sweet and magical moment,

so I need you to knock
some of those fat sluts out of my way.

I will make those weebles wobble.

And they will fall down.

Fez Ferrari,

you're so rich and sensitive,

I think I might go
all the way with you.

But only if you get everyone out of
my way so I can catch the bouquet.

How many bouquets do they throw?

One.

Aye.

Let's see, who do I help?

Old friend, new whore?

Old friend, new whore?

Oh, what am I saying?
Do the right thing, Fez.

Okay, I don't know who gave you a tattoo,
but that is not good parenting.

Look, Michael, I don't
want to talk about it.

I thought I was ready, but today
I found out I don't know how to use a diaper.

We are gonna be covered in poo.

Look, I think you're underestimating us,
all right? Especially me. These beautiful
hands aren't just made for foreplay.

Check it out.

I remember the first time I baby sat
for my little brother

and he power-dooked
all over himself, right?

So I got my mom's salad tongs
and pulled off his pants,

and then I grabbed him by the ankles
and took him outside and hosed him off.

And voil?.

Oh, Michael, it's so perfect.

See, you got the brains and the maternal
instincts, and I know how to wrap ass.

We're gonna do this together,
and we're gonna be fine.

"Ooh, daddy ,that's just how I like it."

You're really starting to creep me out.

...winds variable out of the northeast,
20 miles an hour with gusts to 45.

oh, weather kicks ass.

Forman,

I'm your bud, so I'm rooting
for you in this fight. But

business is business,
so I got 50 bucks on the little guy.

Well, I see the chicken
showed up for his beating.

How can I be a chicken
if I showed up for the fight?

You know, it's funny, 'cause what I just
heard was... chicken... bawk! Fight... bawk!

Eric, as someone that has been...

punched a lot,

I have some advice. Do not move to a new
country and try to fit in at high school.

Hey, Forman, come back here
so we can go over the rules.

Okay, Eric, one last thing.

You know when we're play-fighting
and you grab my wrist and I go,
"ow! Ow! Ow!"? That doesn't really hurt.

Okay? So.. .don't do that.

What? The Forman death grip?

Man, I was really counting on that.

What are you doing here?
I don't want to fight you.

I was just trying to act tough
so I can get my self-respect back.

By threatening me?

It's okay. It's okay. I've got a way out of this
that'll make us both look good.

We'll tell everyone that
we worked it out like gentlemen,

and now we're the best of friends.

Well, no. Mitch, look,

Donna was really nice to you,
and you humiliated her.
I can't let you treat people like that.

Today I'm...

I'm standing up for all humanity.

Would you do it for a 1968 G.I. Joe desert
rat edition with the original mess kit?

Please. I have three of those.

- The French version?
- G.I. Jacques.

It does exist.

We got a deal?

Well, I'm afraid there's not
gonna be a fight here. Uh,

guys, we worked out
our differences, and

basically, he's a really great guy.

- He's doing the chicken thing behind me.
- Yeah.

He's really good at it.

That's not the only thing
I'm good at, cherry pie.

All right, that's it. You're dead.

Ooh! ooh! ohh!
Start the car, Mom! Start the car!

temperatures in the..

ooh, Mr. Handyman.
I'm so glad you're here.

There's so many things
I need you to nail.

lucky for you I have a big hammer.

Red, you dirty man.

Mrs. Forman.
What are you watching?

Weather.