That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 18 - Do You Think It's Alright? - full transcript

Hey, Donna, when we register
for our wedding,

could we register
for a trampoline?

My mom won't let me have
a trampoline.

If I'd known
about registering

when I married Laurie,
I would have registered

for a wife who wants
to have sex with me.

Eric, you know,

people only register
for stuff that's used

in serving, eating
and clearing of a meal.

Why is it always
about eating?

Because
marriage signifies



the end of trying
to be attractive.

Man, registering sucks.

I had to register with Jackie
for her sweet 16.

Longest five months
of my life.

Look, all I know
is you guys are gonna buy

whatever wedding present
we tell you,

and none of this all-going-in-
on-one-gift crap.

Hey, hey, shut it, huh?

No talk about weddings.
Jackie's on her way over.

She's not here now.

She doesn't have to hear
the word "wedding."

She can sense
that it was said.

I wish
I could do that.

But not so much
with words,



but so that I could see
through people's clothes.

Look, you two start yapping
about your wedding,

Jackie gets all, "Steven,
when are we getting married?"

Then I have to say,
"we're not getting married,"

and she kicks me
in my shins.

From the knees down,
I'm like a frickin' P.O.W.

No, you have
magnificent legs.

I would say W.O.W.

Wow.

May I help...

oh, it's you.

Hello, Fenton.

You two
know each other?

Yeah, this is the weirdo
who sold me your ring.

He's probably worn it
more than you, so...

maybe she doesn't want
to wear it

because it's from you.

Well, maybe you need to keep
your nose outta my business!

Trust me, your business
is the last place

I want to put my nose!

I'm sorry, man.
Me too.

Yeah.

We're here to register
for our wedding.

Oh, wonderful.

And I see we're starting
with silverware.

Yes, I like this one.

No, Eric,
the wedding book says

we can't pick
the first thing we see.

Oh, well, in that case,
yeah, the first one, eh.

Second one, whoo-hoo!
All right.

Let's wrap it up,
hit the food court.

Here's a small sampling
from our collection--

prestige, exhilaration,

and, oh,
my personal favorite,

brash.
Ooh.

Well, Fenton, you may be
surprised to learn

that your personal favorite
is not our personal favorite.

But, anyway,

we're done.

No, Eric,
the wedding book says

that we have to look
at all the patterns.

Today is just
a scouting trip.

Scouting?

You know, I was asked
to resign from the scouts.

Look, it's kind of like...

okay, remember before
we were together

and we dated, like,
all those different people

before we decided
on each other?

No, not really. No.

Eric, come on.
This is supposed to be fun.

Okay, look at the groom
in this picture.

What is the difference
between you and him?

Um, he's a cartoon?

No, he is smiling.

Yeah, because
he's a cartoon.

Look, these are all
the forks I have here.

I'll have to bring
the rest up from storage.

I guess I'll need
a forklift.

Oh.
whoo.

Oh, I made a funny.

well, it's A...

it's a good thing
we have all day.

All day? Wh--

I'm not spending all day
in a department store.

I'm gonna turn
into him.

Okay, um,

you're not as far away
as you think.

Okay, that's it.

I'm going to
the sporting goods department.

Hmm, men.

You can't live with 'em...

well, you can.

But you have to keep quiet
about it.

Hanging out

Down the street

The same old thing

We did last week

Not a thing to do

But talk to you

We're all, all right
We're all, all right

Hello, Wisconsin!

Reading another one of
your dirty girl books?

They're not dirty,
they're romantic.

"Mutiny from behind."

Yeah. The mutiny
sneaks up on her.

I don't think
that's what it means.

Well, it is
a wonderful book.

It's got pirates and action.
Oh, oh, oh!

It has
this hilarious parrot

that says the most
inappropriate things.

"The pirate's vessel

"slowly sailed into the harbor
of San Sebastian island.

"His saucy prisoner's
alabaster breasts

"heaving with every motion
"of the tall, rigid ship."

San Sebastian island.

I think I killed
some commies there.

I just spent six hours
registering for wedding gifts.

The only reason I'm here now
is I pretended to choke on ice cream.

I'll let you in on a little secret
for when you're shopping with women.

Always pick the ugliest, worst choice,
and you're off the hook.

That's how I got out of
shopping for this couch.

There was an uglier
couch than this?

The one I picked had dragons on it.

Wow, you're sneaky.

You know, you act like you're
all about brute force,

but you're a finesse player, man.

Trust me, son.

Don't budge until you hear the magic
words, "oh, I'll justdo it myself."

You're done registering already?

You men, you just don't know
how to shop.

You know, your father once tried to get me
to buy a couch with dragons on it.

Yeah...

I guess I'm just bad at it.

I'd much rather be

forever in blue jeans, babe

what do you think of this fork?

Donna, I think all this stuff
is too ordinary for us, you know?

Let's get something bejeweled.

Who are you--liberace?

Yes.

I'm liberace.

Eric, this wedding is...
- Hey guys. What's up?

Oh, hey.
We were just talking about

slutty cheerleaders in
other schools.

You never want to talk about that.

Well, I've finally come
around, darling.

Oh! Are those wedding gift catalogs?
- Damn it.

For our wedding, Steven and I...
- Jackie, no.

- Steven, we have to... - No.
- A good bride and groom...
- That's it. You're done.

Now why didn't someone do
that five years ago?

She used to bite.

Now this, okay,

This is what I'm talking about.
That's a nice fork.

Eric, the handle is an
actual deer hoof.

Yeah, that's the cherokee collection.

Donna, that's the indian way.

They kill the animal,
then eat it with its own paw.

Okay, you know what?
I have a new plan.

I'll just go shopping,
and then I'll show you what I pick.

So I don't get to go at all?

Um, no. I'll just...

I'll just do it by myself.

Yeah...

I guess I'm just bad at it.

"After throwing the evil pirate king overboard,

"the Duke turned to Lady Daphne,

"pulled his sword from its sheath

"and held it erect.

"Lady Daphne touched it tentatively,

"and a shudder went through the duke."

So you like those books, too, mr. Red.

All right, fine. So you know.

But you tell one person, and so help me god,
I will chop down whatever tree you live in.

So I was day dreaming during this civil
rights lecture at the Police Academy,

and I came up with a great idea
for an invention. "Adult strollers".

Why walk when someone can push you?

Kelso, that's a wheel chair.

All right, it's official.
Everything's been thought of!

All right, what do you think of this fork?
Whoa. No, no, no,no, no, no, no.

You're not gonna rope me into that.
Just make Eric do it.

No, Eric's banned from doing it.

He actually wanted me
to eat dinner with Bambi's foot.

What is this,
the cherokee collection?

Oh, well, he picked the ugliest one
so you wouldn't make him go shopping.

It's classic.

I knew something was fishy.
He's terrified of indians.

Oh, he's gonna pay for this. He thought
he had a bad time the other day?

He doesn't know what a bad time is.
I am gonna stop having sex with him.

Oh, crap, I already did that.

All right, look, I hate to sell him out,
but the poor kid lacks subtlety.

He's... Eric's...

how do I put...oh,
he's a bit of a rube.

You know, like, a little country.
A maroon, if you will.

Kelso, what's your point?

Well, I'm just saying you could do better.
I mean, I'm here, you're here.

Nobody has to know.

- Kelso!
- Okay, fine, you can tell two friends.

So I invested $11 in Kelso's
adult stroller idea.

I'm going to be a millionaire.

Really?
So, uh, if I buy one, like,

who's gonna push me around?

Trained bears.

Kelso's got it all figured out.
I'm just the money man.

Hey, guys, where's Donna?
I found this place

that etches your silhouette on your china.
Oh, we are so doing that when we get married.

Steven, people can
eat right off my face.

Then guess who's coming to dinner.

Jackie, you're driving me insane.
Look, I want you to make me a promise.

You will not talkabout weddings
or anything wedding-related

in or around The United States.

Fine, I won't talkabout weddings
or anything wedding-related

in or around the
Continental United States.

Not the Continental United States.

We're talking Hawaii
and Alaska, too.

Fine, but if we're ever in Canada,
I am going nuts!

Eric, bad news.

A deejay at the radio station got sick,
so I have to cover his shift all week.

I'm not gonna be able to
register for wedding gifts.

Oh, no. Well, I guess we'll just have to live
with whatever forks come in the mail willy-nilly.

Well, actually,
you're gonna have to shop

for everything.
- Wait, wait. Back up here.

Who are you calling willy-nilly?

Look, uh, Donna, I can't shop.
I have horrible taste, remember?

"I guess I'm just bad at it."

You are almost unbelievably bad at it.
And that's why

I've decided Jackie will go shopping with you.
- Ohh! Yay!

No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

You promised Hyde that you
wouldn't do any more wedding stuff.

Yeah, but here's the thing
about me. I lie.

So today we'll be
looking at crystal.

You see how all the different colors
intermingle without any judgment?

Hmm, see that?

Yeah, okay, move over, Tony Randall.
I'm in charge.

Today we'll be looking at china.

I see you let the redhead go.

I can't say I'm an expert on women,
but I think you traded up.

Okay, I will lay out
four possible choices.

You will then choose your favorite.
I will disregard that...

and choose the correct one.

So what will ibe doing?

Oh, you will be holding my purse
and eating candy.

All right.

Here, make the sugar daddy last.

Oh, if only someone had given
me that advice four years ago.

This spice rack is a real mess.

It's like someone got drunk
and put everything out of order.

I mean, cayenne pepper,cumin,
celery salt? It's insanity.

Oh, Duke,

I'd like to show you my coconuts.

Well, give me a minute
to raise my mast,

and then we can really
make some waves.

Not so fast!

If anyone's making waves
around here, it's me.

I'm trained in judo,
hapkido and karate.

I can also talk about
you behind your back.

When it gets back to you,
it'll really sting.

So prepare to die.

Aah!

You know, Kitty,
Eric's not home.

We have the whole
upstairs to ourselves.

Woulda been thinking about
that the whole time.

Okay.
I got another invention.

Bicycles with engines.

That's a motorcycle.

Okay, fine.
Bicycles without engines.

That's a bicycle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's got the chair on it.
And we're back to wheelchair.

Okay, Eric just called,
and he's having fun shopping.

All right, with me, it's torture, but when I
send him to pick out wedding gifts with J...

Pick out wedding gifts with who?

Um...

Jehoshaphat.

Remember him from school?
He was always...

you know, jumping.

You sent Forman out to do
wedding stuff with Jackie?

Look, I had to punish him, and what better way
than to make him spend the day with Jackie?

Yeah, she's got you there.
I mean, your girlfriend is annoying.

Plus, I used to do it with her all the time.
So that's gotta hurt.

Man, I thought I had
this wedding crap taken care of.

Now I gotta go down to the mall.

Ah, and "Three's Company"
is about to start.

This day's gone all to hell!

What happened to
my favorite blouse?

A lady never talks
about what happens in the bedroom.

Ah, looks like Red picked up some tricks
from the Duke in "Mutiny From Behind."

He read my dirty girl book?

Yes, I caught him.

Ironically, from behind.

See, Eric, this is the
perfect tux for you.

It makes you look like you
actually have shoulders.

You know, i do look...

...like I have shoulders.
- Mm-hmm.

Why are you wearing a wedding dress?
Oh, I do this every week.

What the hell?

I cannot believe what I'm seeing.
- I know. Look, shoulders.

Eric, this was supposed
to be our time.

Donna, wait.

Okay, Steven, I know I promised
I wouldn't do any wedding stuff,

and I know you're
probably really mad,

so just go ahead and yell.
- You're beautiful.

Oh, my god.
You like me in a wedding dress,

which means that someday,we're gonna get
married, which means that i can talk about it.

Oh, Steven! Okay, I want a spring wedding,
outside with white doves.

And I want the sun to be setting behind me
so I have a halo, kind of like an angel.

Oh, and then wild mustangs
can take us to our honeymoon in Hawaii!

Oh, but your family can't come.

Oh, you know what?
You can run, but you can't hide.

I know where you live!

Donna...
what's the matter?

You picked a deer-foot fork
just to get out of shopping with me.

Oh, too obvious, huh?
Yeah, no one wants hairy silverware.

I just don't understand how you could have
more fun with Jackie than with me.

I don't know. I mean, you know,
she doesn't ask me questions.

She just tells me what to do.

It's a strange kind of freedom,
but I know why the caged bird sings, Donna.

So you're saying the way to handle you
is just take away your free will

and order you around?
- Donna, that's the way I was raised.

Eric, I can't tell you what to do
because I don't even know what to do.

I mean, that's why I got
that stupid book.

I hate that book. Kelso was right.
Reading just gets you into trouble.

Forks don't matter to me, Eric.
I mean, they don't.

They don't. In 20 years,

food's just gonna be a
little pill anyway.

Look, let's just do this
whole wedding thing our way.

Yes.

What's our way?

I don't know.

Maybe we should ask jackie.

You're back with that one?

Good luck.

Adventures of Olivia and
Master Bates.

Master Bates have lived alone
on an island for years.

With only himself of company.

How you get these from foreign kid?