That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 17 - Happy Jack - full transcript

So.. That is all for the pictures of my mom
in Canc?n when she abandoned me

Now let's move on to my mom in Acapulco
when she abandoned me.

God, I cannot believe how good
your mom looks in a bikini.

I mean, she's approaching,
like, me...territory.

Isn't the bikini
a marvelous invention?

Imagine the first Aztec who said,

"I just gotta see some more belly button,"
you know?

Yeah, the Mexicans are

such a resourceful people.

Eric, don't be so stupid.

Everyone knows the French
invented the bikini.



The Mexicans just added on the top
'cause they're catholic.

Another good example
of religion dividing

instead of uniting.

Does anyone want a soda?
- Yeah. - Please.

And F.Y.I., If God wanted
Mexican women to wear tops,

he wouldn't have created
tequila.

Where the hell's Eric
with our sodas? Eric!

Maybe he ran home.

He's kind of a mama's boy.

Eric.

Oh, my god!

I'm busy!

Oh, my god!

Ew! Was he
going to the bathroom?



No!

Ok, ok, ok..

something happened,

and, uh, I think
it's safe to say

that it was certainly
in the area of horrific.

Like war...

or when my mom sings "do you think I'm sexy?"
While she vacuums.

What happened?

Well, we all know that as a young man
in the prime of his life,

I have some needs.

Amen, brother.

Wait a minute.
This is the prime of your life?

You live at home with your mommy,
and you have to wear a name tag at work.

Anyway, uh...

today at the house
of the woman that I was...

theoretically
going to marry,

I had some needs that I felt it
necessary to take care of

right then and there.

In her house?

Why don't you do it at the bus station
like the other degenerates?

It's.. I..
you know,

I don't know.
There I was. There the bathroom was.

It was like two trains
passing in the night.

That's beautiful.

You know, it kinda was.

And then Donna walked in.

- Oh, my god!
- She didn't!

I can't believe we're gonna visit Kelso
at the Police Academy this weekend.

We're gonna miss the best part,
when he makes the whole thing worse.

How could I make
this worse?

I don't know.

Man, it seems impossible,
but you always find a way.

You're like the little engine who could
of screwing yourself.

You know what? This is Donna's fault,
with her,

you know, no more
sex till we're married crap.

You guys have no idea how hard
it's been to have no sex at all.

Yeah, it must be horrible.

Seriously, you guys,
what do I do now?

I say you gotta
pull a Nixon.

Deny, deny, deny.

No, you just need a good story.

Whenever I get caught, I just tell
people that I'm checking for ticks.

Fez, how many times
you been caught?

Oh, come on, I'm not stopping
just because a doorknob turns.

Whoo, man,
look at these jokers.

Can't believe this is who
Kelso hangs out with now.

If he doesn't dunk one of these heads
in a toilet bowl, I'm buying him a skirt.

Fellas.

It's good
to see you boys.

What the hell is that?

Oh, the 'stache.
Yeah, it's coming in nice, huh?

That's why the call
the fuzz "the fuzz."

They're covered in fuzz.

Like someone threw paint
on the "Mona Lisa."

Oh, please,
Michael Kelso is a masterpiece.

You know it.
I know it.

Yeah, about that--
I'm going by "Mike" now.

It's my cop name.

But we call you "Kelso."

Yeah, well, I'm gonna have to
ask you to call me Mike!

As far as the 'stache goes,
I like it.

Makes me look like
an authority figure.

Makes you look like
a porn star.

Either way.

Cadet Mike.

Officer Kennedy,

you know
my friends Hyde and Fez.

Yeah, I remember.

But it seems to me their names
were trouble and maker.

"Trouble" and "maker."

That's clever.

I think it's funny. They put us together,
and we're troublemakers.

Shut up.

I hope these two delinquents don't interfere
with the progress you've been making here, Mike.

No, sir.
Not at all, sir.

Well, we'll see.
I'll have my eye on you...

on all of you.

He's a good man.

All right, you're really
starting to creep me out.

Help me grab the beer
out of the car.

I'm gonna drink until that mustache
turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.

Sorro can do. I got K.P. In the A.M.
And P.T. In the P.M.

Well, I don't know
what any of that means,

but I came here to drink beer
and play with guns, damn it.

Sorry, buddy, but we got
lights out at 22 hundsky,

so I'm gonna have to ask you
to move along to the barracks A.S.A.P.

Did you just
call me a "sap" ?

"ASAP"
as soon as possible.

Well, you're a sap
right now.

Okay, the thing is,

I knew Eric did that,

but knowing and seeing..
are two very different things.

It's kind of like how I know
there are rats under the house.

But you don't want to see the rats
diddling themselves in your bathroom.

Exactly !

But, Donna, you're missing
the whole point here.

Eric's perverted behavior can be a card
you can play for the rest of your life.

Let's just say you want Eric
to buy you a diamond,

but he says no.

You just say,

"why, are you busy?"

Five minutes later,
you're Elizabeth Taylor.

Yeah, I think I need advice from a woman
in a relationship not built on blackmail.

It's called
a lesbian, Donna,

and you're gonna have
to go to New York for that.

This afternoon a cadet
named Terry hit on me,

and it makes me nervous
when men with guns like me.

Fez, cadet Terry is a woman.

I know because I saw her putting
cover-up on her chin hair.

Well, then,
hello there, cadet Terry.

I will sit here,

but I will not partake.

What you're doing
is illegal,

and it could cause my mind to drift off its
main goal, which is enforcing the law.

Now I'd like you both
to read some literature.

In particular, let's take a look at
"be great and go straight."

I think that one
really says it all.

Hey, do not throw
the literature!

Kelso..

the fact that you're now
totally lame would make me furious if
I had the ability to feel anger right now,

which I thankfully don't.

I am not lame.

I am grown-up.

And when you grow up,

you play by the rules,

which is why
I am getting rid of this.

What is he doing?
WHAT IS HE DOING ?

Don't worry, Fez.
He's just screwing around.

What?

Baggie!

Oh, no, he has broken you.

You broke Hyde,
you son of a bitch!

So

do you get
what I'm saying?

I think so.

He was busy?

In my house!

I raised him
better than that!

I know this is weird, but I don't have
anyone else to talk to.

Really, did you call around?
I could give you some numbers.

No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Ok

Okay, you and Eric
need to be able to talk about this.

I'm sure it'll be awkward
at first, but, well, then...

I am afraid it's just going
to be awkward all the way through.

So do you and red have
these kinds of conversations?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, we don't talk
about stuff like this.

Red can't even be naked
in a room with a mirror.

Right.

Well, I'm sure Eric and I will be able to talk
about this like we talk about everything,

because that's what you do. In an open, mature
relationship, you face things head on.

- Oh, god.
- Dirty!

Kelso, let us in.

No, you're gonna hit me again.

I'm warning you, I got a C+ in billy club.

just open the door!

Non.

Damn, it's unlocked.

I guess I'm gonna have to
take you out.

That's a nice move.

Kelso, just relax.

Now listen,

we went on a walk.

We realized you're trying to start
a new life for yourself here.

We should be supportive.

Really ?

Thank you.

No, thank you, buddy.

We're gonna be great
and go straight.

You ready?

You bet I am.

Let's see you do Q.T. In the K.P.
With this, you S.O.B.

Morning.

Well, if it isn't casanova,

the man who seduced himself.

Oh, god.

All right, hold it, hold it.
Come back here.

Red, be nice.

Eric, don't be embarrassed.

Now you know that you can
talk to us about anything, so

so come on.

Let's rap.

When you were a baby, you had your
hands down your pants all the time.

But that's okay, because it's natural.
Red, tell him it's natural.

What are you, an animal?

But why wouldn't you
lock the door?

How could he lock the door when he's in
there pawing himself like an animal?

You know, some people get addicted
and can't even hold down a job!

If you can't get someone to do it
for you, you do without.

In korea I went for
two and a half years.

Dad, you were there for three.

What are you, an animal?

hey.

Oh, hey.

Hey, why'd you knock?

You know why I knocked.

Eric, you've been avoiding me all day.
Let's just talk about this.

There's nothing to talk about.

You obviously thought you saw
something that you didn't see.

I was checking for ticks.

- Eric!
- Fine, okay, fine.

I got caught.
I'm embarrassed.

Let's put this behind us.

I love you.

Okay, great. It's behind us.

Absolutely.

Um, I said, "I love you."

Don't you love me, too?

Sure, you know.
Whatever.

Can I have a hug?

Fine.

It's just, what got you
going at my house?

I mean, we were just sitting around
looking at pictures...

of Jackie's mom.
Jackie's mom got you going?

No! What? No!

- Well...
- oh!

You're an animal!

I can't wait for these
guys to see Kelso.

I think I might be giddy.

I know.
I feel like it's Christmas morning,

except instead of toys,
we get to humiliate a close friend.

Hey, Pete.
Hey, Doug.

Hiya, boys.

- Hi, Mike!
- Hi, Mike!

Cadet Mike,

I suppose you think this is funny.

What,

You have made a mockery of the uniform,
and I want an explanation right now.

Shut up!

Dismissed!

What did you guys do to me?

Did you shave my head?

Is there something on my back?

You know what?

You guys are totally stuck
in high school.

I'm trying to do something better. You guys
resent it. You're trying to ruin it for me.

You know what?
This stuff isn't even funny anymore.

Oh, that's a good burn!

So that's when I was, like,
"no, I don't want highlights."

People pay money to get
their hair my color,

not the other way around.

Why are we feeding you again?

'Cause I'm good company.

Look who tore himself away from himself
long enough to join us.

Yeah, usually he's too
busy for lunch.

All right, both of you stop.

Honey, you washed your hands, right?

Look, dad, I can't believe
I'm gonna say this, but...

can I talk to you in private
for a moment?

No, I don't think so.

I know the kind of things
you do in private.

- Dad...
- oh, all right.

Just keep your hands
where I can see 'em.

This really isn't getting old.

Ok

so you know how I do things
that are horrible,

and it seems like
I can't make them any worse,

and then I do?

Sadly, yes.

Well...

I did it again.

Again?

How many bathrooms does that house have?
- No,

not...

not that.

Uh, Donna wanted to talk
about the horrible thing.

Oh! They always
want to talk about it.

Yeah, well, we talked about it.

And in the course of talking about it,
information was revealed that made it much...

much worse.

And that is why you never, ever talk about it.

Have you ever noticed how often
I just grunt at your mother?

I know how to talk.
I'm not an ape.

Right.

I just choose not to.

Right.

Well, it's too latefor that now

since you screwed up
and talked about it.

There's only one thing to do.

Go on the offensive.
Counter attack.

What? That's suicide, man.

They'll never expect it.
It throws 'em off.

You know, one time in Korea, we had
this little guy outnumbered 20 to 1.

But then he ran at us
screaming his head off.

And we were so taken off guard,
that we dove right into our foxholes.

- And he got away?
- No, no.

No, I mean we were startled for a few seconds,
but then the whole company just opened up on him.

Listen up, Donna.
I got something to say.

Okay, but be careful.

Jackie's mom was here earlier.

I don't want you to catch a whiff of her perfume
and have to sexually assault yourself in the hallway.

No, no, no, no. I talk. You listen.

Okay,this is all your fault.

Yeah, do you have any idea what
your celibacy thing is doing to me?

My needs have risen to near..

Fezian levels.

He is a sick bastard, Donna,

and now, thanks to you, so am I!

Yeah, that's right, Donna! You created
a monster. I can't leave myself alone!

You know what?
You're right.

I'm sorry.

You are?

I mean, um...

yeah, damn right you are.

No, this has been really hard,

and this celibacy thing
was my idea, so

I need to accept some responsibility
for the odd and

disgusting things you do.

That's right, you do.

But, you know, next time,
be like a normal person.

Go to your room, lock the door,

light some candles, put on some
Al Green and make an evening of it.

Wow, Donna,
that was really detailed.

It's almost like...

oh, my god.

You do it, too!

What ?

no, no!

I noticed the candles getting lower,
even though I'd never seen them lit!

All right, this
conversation is over!

Wow

So this is where it all happens.

So they make
an evening of it?

Yeah, candles, music.

God, girls do everything better.

You don't suppose Jackie...

nah, she won't even go
to a self-serve gas station.

What would happen if I walked in
during one of their evenings?

Are they like us where even though
we're alone, we welcome a visitor?

It's not like they'd rather do it themselves,
when they could have a man do it, right?

- Yeah.
- Right.