That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 16 - Man with Money - full transcript

Well, you're awfully happy.

We're having a cocktail party.

What's not to be happy about?

Red, the last time we had a party,

you called the cops and had
them tow everyone's car.

Drunk people looking
for their cars.

That was funny.

Oh, you're just giddy

because Bob's bringing his
pretty new girlfriend over.

Oh, Kitty, don't be ridiculous.

I'm just happy. Now why do you
want to ruin my happiness?



Because that's what a wife does.

You know, my dad dating your mom

goes against all
the laws of nature.

I mean, you don't see a
giraffe with a panda bear.

You know, my dad being the
cute, fuzzy panda bear,

and your mom being the evil,

money-hungry unnaturally
tan giraffe.

Well, I've had it with them, too.

Last night your dad
burped in front of my mom,

and she laughed, Donna.

Laughed!

Okay, we're Burkharts.

We don't burp, and we don't
tolerate people who do.

Hey, everybody, I brought a date.



Look how tall she is.

It's like I'm dating
the statue of liberty.

Oh, Kitty, I just love
coming over to your house.

You have such unique tastes.

It's like being at a
giant flea market.

And like at every flea market,

Bob's gonna leave with
the tackiest thing here.

Pam, come on in.

I made your favorite drink...
Tequila sunrise.

Red, always the gentleman.

Yeah, well...

Red, Red, honey,

where's my favorite drink?

I didn't know you had a
favorite drink, Kitty,

seeing as how much
you like all drinks.

I'll take a drink, Red.

Beer's in the garage, Bob.

Mrs. Burkhart?

That's weird.

Golly, I didn't know
you were dropping by.

Yeah, you did.

I told you she was,

and you said, "oh, boy,
I'm gonna wear my suit."

Well, I'm sorry, Donna.

Is there some kind of law
against being handsome?

Because if there is,

then guilty as charged.

Mrs. Burkhart, when
did you get here?

Is it too much for you people

to let me know that
we have company?

One bronzed-up tart in the room,

and all the men turn into a bunch

of oversexed fraternity boys.

Kitty, you're just
imagining things.

What's she wearing?

Oh, I cannot believe you kids,

trying to sneak off
with my good gin.

Yeah, I shoulda known.

She can smell booze
from a mile away.

Excuse me?

Oh, I said, "you smell like
booze from a mile away."

That's worse, dumb-ass!

Oh, what a lovely evening.

if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear I was with rich people.

She's got it all...

Looks and beauty.

Pam, you want another drink?

Honey, you shouldn't be drinking.

You have a doctor's
appointment tomorrow.

He has a heart condition.
He's very old.

I never thought I'd say
this, but I wish I was Bob.

I wonder if she'd like

to watch "the graduate"
with me some night.

One time back when I
was dating Jackie,

Pam was trying to
wash her car, right,

and she leaned over and, like,
squeezed out the sponge.

That's all I remember,

cause I rode my bike
straight into a tree.

Oh, look at her.

Would you ever want me
to show that much leg?

Absolutely not.

And why not?

You set me up.

Jackie, I can't see
your mom's hand,

which means it's on my dad's butt.

We have to break 'em up.

I've been bad-mouthing
Pinciottis for years.

I can be one.

So that's when I realized

that "tapas" sounds a
lot like "topless."

But I had already promised, so...

Hey, mrs. Burkhart,

why don't I throw on some
music for us to, uh...

Shake our booties to?

Hey, stop acting like an ass

in front of the pretty lady.

That's ok, Red. I think he's cute.

Yeah, well, he is
my son, you know.

Well, good party, good party.

When Pam and I were dancing,

she, uh, "accidentally"
brushed my butt.

And tell 'em what
happened after that.

Well, then I said,

"hey, you can squeeze
my butt anytime."

And then it got really quiet.

And then she walked over to Bob,

and they were talking
and pointing at me.

Then you tried to laugh it off,

and you spit dip up on your shirt.

Then you tried to do that joke

where you scoop the dip off
your shirt with a chip,

and none laughed, and here we are.

You know, there's a
lot of talk about Pam,

but, Eric, I still have
feelings for your mom.

I mean, she comes off all
pure, but she's dirty.

Why can't my dad just see that
Pam is a total gold digger?

Oh, would you stop saying that?

Hey, either she digs for
gold or she doesn't.

It's easy to check.

Are her boots muddy?

Does she carry a pickax?

When she comes home does she say,

"tough day at the gold mine"?

No, Fez, a gold digger
is what these idiots

call a woman who knows that
love eventually wears off,

but money is forever.

You guys, all I know is

pretty tan lady touched my butt.

And that is more action
than I've gotten in weeks.

Keep it up,

and you'll be having
sex with yourself.

I mean, how does Bob

pull all these foxes
like Midge and Pam?

He's got to have something
the ladies can't resist.

Hey, Donna, you ever
see your dad naked?

My God!

Can we please talk about
anything besides that?

You're way off, Hyde.

Women love Bob for
his sense of humor.

That sucker's funnier
than a dixie cup.

No. All right,

how it works is relationships
are based on a point system.

All right, see, Pam
is good looking.

So that's 20 points.

And Bob, he's, like, the
nicest guy in the world,

so that's, like, what, a point?

But Bob's got money,
and that's 19 points.

And altogether, that's 20.

Now you add the whole thing
together, and that's 40,

Which is incidentally
almost half my score.

I don't care what
that doctor says.

I'm not wearing this
stupid heart monitor.

It makes me look
like a damn robot.

Red, I'm sure you won't
even know it's there.

It'll only beep if your heart
rate goes above normal,

like when you get
agitated or excited

or extra angry or extra happy.

I'm putting my money
on extra angry.

I bet the damn thing
doesn't even work.

You know what, Red?
Your attitude stinks.

You wouldn't be in this mess

if you'd just listened
to me in the first place.

Kitty...

I told you to eat more
fiber in the mornings.

I told you to exercise,

to wear more comfortable
shoes for circulation.

Did you listen? No.

So I guess I'm just
gonna keep telling you

and telling you and telling you.

What do you know? It does work.

Hey, I can't believe you
guys aren't in Bob's hot tub.

You know, I feel
like Warren Beatty

in a movie about a hot tub.

He's, like, hot
tubbin', then, like...

Other stuff happens.

Kelso, just so you know,

Bob was in there an hour ago,

so you are, like, covered
in hot, bubbly Bob.

Dad, will you please listen to us?

We talked about it,

and we really think you
need to break up with Pam.

No way. Open your eyes!

Everyone can see what
a big mistake this is.

Oh, so everyone here thinks I
should just break up with Pam?

I say stick with her, Bob.

My only advice is take pictures,

otherwise no one's
gonna believe you.

Don't listen to him.

He grew up poor. He's stupid.

What do you think, Eric?

Yeah, Eric, what do you think?

I hope it's the right answer.

You love that woman for
all she's worth, Bob!

Eric!

What are you gonna do, cut
me off from sex again?

I agree with Forman, Bob.
I think you should keep her.

I mean, you're you,

and you're getting
me-quality girls.

You're living life
Kelso-style. Enjoy.

Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.

I locked my keys in the car,

and I had to use a coat
hanger to jimmy the lock.

I had to reach down in there,

and I had to shimmy
and shimmy and shimmy

until the darn thing
finally popped open.

Boy, I'm sorry I missed that.

Yeah, could act it out
for us one more time?

Look, mom, Donna and I decided

that you two can't see
each other anymore.

We're your children,
and we love you,

but your happiness

is much less important than ours.

Jackie, when your dad
went away to jail,

I decided to do
some work on myself.

Not on the outside, obviously,

because, well, come on.

But on the inside,

you know, the part that
doesn't matter as much.

And I've realized
that I need a man

who makes me feel
good about myself.

I need you Bob.

Aww, you know, if an
ugly woman said that,

it just wouldn't mean as much.

Man, if this was a movie,

Pam would pick up Bob
and just carry him off

to a better life.

If this were a good movie,

Pam would have entered
the scene topless.

Yeah, if this were a great movie,

they'd have a monkey friend
that did all this crazy stuff.

You know what?
You guys were no help.

You could have backed us up.

And you could be sleeping with me.

People could be doing
a lot of things.

All right, I'm done peeing.

Hey, can you hand me my clothes?

Kelso, are you naked?

No.

Eric, could you hand
me my clothes, please?

I'm sorry, buddy.

I can't hear you over the hot tub.

Did you hear him, Hyde?

I think so.

I think he said to take
his clothes and run away.

Oooh.

Guys, guys, come back!

Well, looks like I'm
gonna have to be nude

in front of you guys, and
that's kind of awkward.

So I think you ladies
should nude up.

Okay, good news, Red.

I made your favorite lunch...

Lasagna!

Thanks.

"thanks"?

Aren't you excited?
Let's hear that monitor!

So every time you do
something nice for me,

I'm supposed to
have a heart attack?

Well, no, not an attack.
Just a little episode.

Ha ha ha ha!

I mean, what does it take
to get that beeper going?

Hi, Red.

Wow, that must be the
lasagna kicking in.

Hey, what do you say

we have some more of that lasagna?

Boy, was that delicious.

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Oh, can it, Red.

When Pam showed up, your
heart monitor went off

like a freakin' slot machine.

Pam had nothing to do
with that thing going off,

Damn it!

Oh, and look at us now.
We're arguing.

Can't even get a beep out of you.

Your son is a jerk.

Come on, I am gonna prove to you

that I am not attracted to Pam.

Hey, guys.

I think I'm having
a war flashback.

I'm messed up, Kitty.

I'm real messed up.

I cannot believe you told
my dad to stay with Pam.

She doesn't even like you.

She told my dad you
groped her at the party.

Okay, look, Donna, you and Pam

obviously have some
serious issues.

I think you two
should work them out

with a good old-fashioned
pillow fight.

Come on, Jackie, I
think maybe you should

throw on a nightgown
and defend your mom.

You're sick.

And, you, you were no help either.

Hey, I was just
agreeing with Forman,

so he didn't look so bad.

You said it before he did.

Oh, yeah

What's the big deal?

Bob and Pam are
adults who want to do

what comes naturally
to everybody except me.

So I say,

why can't I get any?

You know, Pam wants
to be with my dad now,

but what happens when
someone else comes along?

I wouldn't care so much
if I could just, you know,

test her with a hotter guy

and see if she falls for him.

Because I love you,

I'll do it.

Why would you do it?
This is a man's job.

Don't wait up for me, baby.

Ohh!

No, it has to be someone her type.

Well, I know from
her time in Mexico

that she has a weakness for
young, dark-skinned guys.

I guess I can ask around.

Mmm, that smells delicious.

What is it?

It's not for you.

You can go look for scraps
around the neighborhood

like the rest of the dogs.

Kitty, for the last time,

I am not attracted to Pam.

Please, believe me,

as the husband who has shared

your laughter and tears for...

Many happy years.

How many years, Red?

All of 'em.

You can't give me
a number, can you?

Well, I can tell you on
a scale of one to ten,

I love you ten.

That's a number.

Oh, why don't you just
take your cardiac jukebox

over to Pam's?

Hi, Kitty. Hi, Red.

I thought we'd come
over and see if you two

wanted to catch a movie.

Why are you staring?

Too pretty for Wisconsin?

I get that a lot.

You shut it off, didn't you?

No, I did not shut it off!

Let's hustle it up.

I don't want to sit
behind people with hats.

Ha!

Look at that, nosey!

It's not Pam.

It's Bob, because he annoys me.

That's true. I do.

What are you guys talking about?

Um...

Ha ha ha ha!

I, um, I sort of thought

that Red had a crush on you.

Oh, Kitty, I'm sorry.

This face can bring
as much trouble

as it does joy.

Well, Kitty, what do you
have to say for yourself?

It's the menopause.

I'm messed up, Red.
I'm real messed up.

Um, hello.

What are you doing?

I was hired to clean the hot tub.

But you should know that I, uh...

Perform other services, too.

Well, you could start
by doing a better job.

It's still dirty.

So you like it dirty?

No, I want it clean.

So you like it filthy?

Bob!

Whoa, I'm not into that!

No.

Hey, Eric, that was a good
burn stealing my clothes.

But the laugh's on you,
'cause I borrowed your pants,

and I'm not wearing any underwear.

Kelso, just so you know,

the last time I wore those pants,

I wasn't wearing any underwear.

Ouch. Well-played.

Where the hell is Fez?

He should have been back by now.

Oh, I swear, if he touched
my mother inappropriately,

he is never borrowing
my curling iron again.

Man, first I wanted to be Bob.

Now I wish I was Fez.

What the hell is
going on this week?

Ahem.

Did you tell Fez to
make a move on Pam?

'cause if you didn't,
I'm gonna box him up

and send him back to banana town.

Okay, I'm sick of those comments.

I don't say I'm gonna send
you back to polyester town.

Dad, I'm really sorry.

It was just the only
thing we could think of

to prove that Pam
doesn't, you know,

really care about you.

Well, guess what.

She does really care about me,

so you can stop playing
these little games,

because Pam makes me happier

than I have been in a long time.

You better accept it soon,
'cause she's here to stay.

That's right.
I will have my pretty lady.

This Bob is back.

Way to go, Bob!

I love you, man!

Bob, you're just like me.

We give regular guys hope.

You can't leave Pam, because...

Because Pam's your Donna.

Steven, am I your Donna?

That doesn't apply to us.
We're both good-looking.

Dad, can we at least
talk about this?

I'm sorry, Donna.

That's the way it's gonna be.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

Should've known this
wasn't gonna work.

Foreigners never finish the job.

Oh, please, if Bob
hadn't shown up,

I'd be your stepdaddy right now.

B-7.

Miss.

Oh, man, how do I
keep missing you?

It's 'cause I don't
have any boats on there.

What's that noise?

It's my dad's heart monitor.

Where's your mom?

She's with him.

Oh, take off the beeper!
Other people live here!