That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 6, Episode 15 - Who Are You - full transcript

Oh, hey, Donna,

about this little celibacy kick we're on,

does that cover quickies,
'cause I could be really quick?

Well, that's why I call you "the flash."

That's why you call me the flash?

I thought it was 'cause I was flashy,

like an entertainer.

Come on, one little one.

You can even watch tv.

Eric, we agreed to hold
off until the wedding.

It's cleansing.



No, Donna, giving up
cigarettes is cleansing.

Giving up sex is reckless
and irresponsible,

and I think it might cause cancer.

Hey, Jackie, I know since you moved in,

we agreed to give each other messages

as soon as possible, and
in the spirit of that,

your mom called last Tuesday.

What? No, she couldn't
call. She's in mexico.

They don't have phones there.

Uh, yeah, they do.

Why would we give them phones?

My dad tried to get back
in touch with me once.

Instead of calling, he just
left a six-pack on my car.

How'd you know it was him?



He was passed out on the hood.

Well, I don't have
anything to say to my mom.

She ditched me three months ago,
and that's all I need to know.

Oh, man, that's really sad.

It's like a mother and daughter divided.

So, hey, what about
some second base action?

What did I tell you about
talking about the bases, flash?

Donna.

He doesn't know why.

Jackie, you should cut your mom a break.

I think she's charming.

If she calls again,

just tell her I don't want to see her.

Well, that's too bad
'cause I just picked her up

from the airport.

And here I am.

Mom!

Oh, I love making an entrance.

Be a dear and go watch my luggage.

Really? Thanks.

What are you doing here? Who cares?

Welcome to my driveway, pretty lady.

I'm Eric Forman. Remember me? Big fan.

Oh, right, my toy poodle
snowball almost killed you

when you were 6.

I was 13, but, yeah.

Mrs. Burkhart, Steven
Hyde. Nice to see you again.

Just thought I'd let you
know that Jackie and I

are kind of dating now.

Didn't you rob our house?

Well, I was in there a few times at night,

but I never took anything.

Mrs. Burkhart!

I thought I saw gorgeous, flowing hair

on bronze shoulders,

And I wasn't near a mirror,
so I knew it had to be you.

Mom, why are you back?

It got rainy in Cabo,
so I hopped on a plane.

Wish I was a plane.

Then she could hop on me.

And by hop on me, I mean...

Yeah, yeah, we got it, Fez.

Wait, let me guess.

"rainy in Cabo" is Spanish

for "my rich pilot
boyfriend ran out of money."

Don't be silly. I don't know any Spanish,

Except for gracias amas tequila.

I just missed you.

Well, I didn't miss you.

And there's the stomp and cry.

See you guys tomorrow.

Miss Burkhart, I know
you and Jackie are working

through some difficult stuff,
but may I just say, nice tan?

Yeah, it really makes everything pop.

Yeah, I'm popping a little right now.

Why don't we ever have tea?

Well, this sounds like the beginning

of a wonderful argument...

Like the stuffing versus
mashed potatoes fight

that turned into why don't
I ever take you on vacation.

Why don't you ever take me on vacation?

Oh, crap.

Oh, Mr. And Mrs. Forman,
I don't know what to do.

Not this again. Kitty, make it stop.

Now be nice, Red. Her
mom finally came home

from her cultural tour
of Mexico's many fine bars

and cantinas.

Why did she have to go
all the way to Mexico

to drink all day?

Why couldn't she be a good mom

and just do it at home like you do?

Well, that's a good question.

And you need to sit down
and talk to her about it.

You can do it here with tea.

We'll have tea!

No!

Why does this always happen here?

We're in a recession.

There are vacant lots all over the place.

Well, you can go stand in a vacant lot.

We're having a tea party with crumpets.

I'll find out what they are,

and we will have them.

Okay, but I don't know

if I can look my mom in the eye.

I mean, I never thought I'd say this,

but there comes a point
when a person is too tan.

Whoa, check out this new police academy

they're sending me to in waukegan.

It's got its own pool!

Oh, man, if I'd have known
it was gonna be this nice,

I'd have burned down
the old one a lot sooner.

Kelso, I'm really going to miss you.

Who's gonna take my
lunch money and tease me

and pull down my pants in front of girls?

I'll be taking over.

Hey, you're still gonna
drive me up there, right?

Oh, man, Jackie's got this
heavy thing with her mom.

I know she's gonna wanna
talk about it a lot.

So, yeah, I'll drive you.

Hey, since Donna cut me
off, I took the money that

I would have spent on a
romantic dinner for two

and bought me a gross of bottle rockets.

Take that, Pinciotti!

Bottle rockets, all right.

Fez, start running.

No, wait. I got a better idea.

After we drop him off,

let's stop off at the dairy farm,

scare the hell out of some cows.

Ooh, I love cows.

They're the one animal
I can run faster than.

No, no, let's go before you drop me off.

That big spotted one needs
an attitude adjustment.

No, man, it's got to be at night.

Look, I've launched so
much stuff at those cows

during the day, I swear,
they recognize my car.

I can't believe you guys
are going without me.

Those cows will never know what hit them.

And even after it hits them,

they still won't know,

because they're cows.

Okay, here, Red, try this tea.

It'll make you feel british.

mum's the word, governor.

Kitty, this is America.

We bomb countries that drink tea.

Well, that's because

coffee keeps us awake all night,

and we wake up in such a bad mood,

we have to bomb someone.

Ooh, ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.

I still don't think we
should get involved in this.

As far as I'm concerned,
this is between Jackie

and her ditzy lush of a mom.

Hi. You must be Red. I'm Pam Burkhart.

It's Pam.

You made tea. Oh, I love tea.

So do I.

Wipe your chin, honey. You got some drool.

Thank you both so much for doing this.

You know, when you are
as beautiful as I am,

it's hard to know who
your real friends are.

Oh, I'm sorry that you
have to go through that.

I'm just hoping that Jackie and I

figure out a way to get along.

Well, you've got your low-cut,
getting-along sweater on,

so...

I bet that'll help.

Hi, honey.

Hi.

And by "hi," I mean, not hi,
because I'm not talking to you,

even though I'm talking now.

So I'm just gonna stop
talking, starting now.

Oh! Dang it. Starting now.

And now.

This is awkward.

Why don't I tell a story
about something charming

I did in Mexico?

I'd love to hear it.

There was this woman
on a beach in cozumel.

and normally, I wouldn't talk to someone

who had such bad skin, but she was selling

the cutest hair clips, so here.

You know, I'd tell you
that doesn't fix anything,

but I'm not talking to you. Oh, shoot!

Starting now!

Yeah, nice try, Mrs. Burkhart.

Damn, these are cute.

Look, Jackie, when your
father got into trouble,

I panicked,

but that doesn't mean I
stopped caring about you.

Jackie, if you seriously don't want these,

can I have them?

Look, mom, a good time to
tell me you cared about me

was the day daddy went to prison,

not two months later on a postcard

from la Cantina Cucaracha in Guadalajara.

Isn't it nice to get postcards?

Okay, fine. Jackie, look,
I know that you've got

hostile feelings towards me,

but I'm your mother, and I love you.

And I promise I'll never leave you again.

I believe her.

Me, too.

Kelso, you leave for the
police academy tomorrow.

Shouldn't you be packing
gasoline and matches

so you can burn that one down, too?

I don't need gasoline to burn stuff down.

All I need is these two hands
and a lack of adult supervision.

Anyway, I'm not going.

I decided I didn't want to be a cop.

But, Kelso, I thought

you wanted to impress
the mother of your child

and give your life a purpose

and pull over girls
for speeding while foxy.

No, I got my reasons.

I mean, I don't want to leave
when things are going so good

for me and Brooke.

Plus, blue isn't a very good color for me.

What, are you crazy?

You take blue to a whole new level.

All right, let's go blast some cows.

Whoa. All you talk about is being a cop.

You haven't focused on anything this hard

since you thought you heard
your name on "Led Zeppelin II."

It's in there.

In "Whole lotta love,"

he clearly sings, " Kelso lotta love."

Kelso, I'm gonna make
sure you become a cop.

Yeah, we're not gonna let
you throw your life away.

I don't care about that.

Look, I got a few things pending downtown,

and I need someone on the inside.

Jackie, just go see your mom.

She chose you over golden sunsets,

frozen margaritas.

Man, why aren't we down there?

Donna, you don't get her,

because you'll never understand
the intoxicating quality

of getting anything you
want with your looks.

Look, she's just here till
she finds a new meal ticket.

I don't believe that for a minute.

I think she came back to be with you,

not to find some lonely rich guy.

Your mother is a lovely woman.

Donna, Pam and I are gonna catch a movie.

It's my first American date in months.

Your mother is a gold-digging tramp.

I can't believe my mom is going out

with your Bob of a dad.

Oh, what? He's not good enough?

Oh, so you see it, too?

I expected her to go
after a cool rich guy,

like Jack Nicholson or a Bee Gee.

You're dad is cheesy
and corny, like nachos.

Well, then no wonder
your mom is after him.

She'll touch anything from Mexico!

Oh, hey, you take that back right now,

or I will pull your hair really hard!

Oh, yeah.

Eric, not now.

Look, I'm sorry, Donna,
but you cut me off,

and I always thought it was lame

when Kelso said that
girl fights were sexy,

but now I can see he was very right!

So you, hair pull, you, shirt rip.

You'd better go talk to your mom.

You'd better go talk to your dad.

Hmm.

I overplayed my hand there a little bit.

*

Hey, come on, buddy.

Time to go to cop school.

I don't believe this.

I know. King-size pillows
on a twin-size bed.

Why didn't I think of that?

Man, he just split on us.

Ow!

yeah, he's definitely gone.

I guess we'll just leave then.

Oh, that's not fair. You
guys made leaving sounds.

Oh, come on, kitty.

Enough with the silent treatment.

I didn't say that I liked tea

because Pam is pretty.

I said that I liked tea

because you were kind enough

and courageous enough

to open my eyes to a whole new world

of hot beverages,

which is just one of
the millions of things

that you have done to improve my life

over all these years.

So now I'm old.

Mr. Forman, will you please
talk some sense into my dad?

Last night he went on a
date with Jackie's mom.

Oh, you hear that, Red?

Looks like your girlfriend's stepn' out.

Donna, Pam's just what
I've been looking for.

I've loved pretty women,
and I've loved smart women.

And I'm going back to pretty.

Dad, don't you think
it's a little suspicious

that she just got back

and she's already latched on to you?

I'm a very cute man, donna.

Bob, this is clearly upsetting Donna.

How can u date her?

Yeah, how can you date her?

What does that mean?

What?

You emphasized "her,"

like there's something special about her.

I just said what you said,

but you must have missed it
because I was on my way outside

to mow the lawn.

Oh, man, I can't believe Donna is serious

about this celibacy thing.

Fez, how do you cope with not getting any?

I think you know how I cope.

When you don't see me, I'm coping.

Hey, he tried to get away again.

So I had to use his stun gun on him.

Yeah, it didn't hurt, though.

I've done it to myself so many times,

I baly feel it anymore.

Just get in the car.

You guys can take me to the academy,

but as soon as you leave, I'm gone.

All right, Kelso, that's it.
I haven't had sex in weeks.

Fez is a drought not seen

since the great dust
bow, we are tightly wound.

So you'd better tell us
what your real problem is,

or we're gonna freakin' throttle you.

I will tear you apart like a lion.

Okay, look, I don't want to tell you guys,

because I'm afraid you're
gonna make fun of me.

Oh, Kelso, of course we're
gonna make fun of you.

All right, fine. You know what?

It's like I'm going to a new school, okay?

And I'm worried that I'm not
gonna be able to make friends.

First off, I'm so much better looking

than everyone else.

The only reason you
guys are friends with me

is 'cause you met me before I blossomed.

Man, you should be worried about something

that could actually happen,

like handcuffing yourself to a horse.

Look, Kelso, here's the thing...

You've stolen my stuff,
and you've burned my stuff,

you've even groped my stuff.

But I still hang out with you

because you are a great guy.

Come on, you're Michael Kelso, right?

You're bulletproof.

Damn it, you're right. I am bulletproof.

All right, let's get going. All right!

Hey, by the way,

you're not actually bulletproof.

Where do you think you're going?

To the backyard.

Unh-unh, I'm going to the backyard.

Whatever.

Oh, don't give me that dirty
look and say, "whatever."

That is my thing!

Oh, my God!

Hot tub!

Mom, what are you doing in there

with that wet, hairy man?

And why are you wearing a white swimsuit?

It's winter!

Bobby and I are just having a soak.

Bobby?

When did we get a hot tub, Bobby?

Me and Pammy were out shopping,

and I saw it, so I bought it.

Even got the good one
with the euphoria jet.

I love it in here.

You know, if you put salt around the rim,

it'd be like being in a giant margarita.

Hey, what the hell, right?

I have all this extra money,

and Pammy here helped me spend some.

Yeah, that's her specialty.

Oh, you shut up about my mom.

Thank you, Jackie.

I wasn't defending you, ok?

This is just really weird.

Oh, can you both at
least put your hands up

where I can see them?

Enough, all right?

I like Pam, and she likes me.

We're both adults.

So if you two can't handle it,

that's too bad.

Now go inside. You're ruining our soak.

This soak is over.

Then we'll go inside.

Dad, are you naked?

How else am I gonna try the euphoria jet?

Okay, I know we both

have different reasons
for wanting our parents

to stop seeing each other,

like I hate your mom,
and your mom's a tramp.

But we have to join forces
and do everything we can

to break them up.

I'm with you, Donna.

All the couples I've broken up before

were just training till now.

This one's not for popularity

or to make another girl cry.

It's for my beautiful mom and
your mayonnaise-lovin' dad.

Ooh, how's it going, girls?

Not good.

We just saw Bob and Pam in a hot tub.

Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?

Pam's in a hot tub?

There. You did it again.

And this time, you didn't even say "Bob."

Yes, I did.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

And you would have heard it, too,

if it hadn't been for all that damn tea.

You know, I fought a war to keep that crap

out of this country,

and you had to bring it into my house.

And you call yourself an American, huh?

ok. I'm all set.

So here I go.

Kelso, you're gonna do great.

But, hey, just in case,

I packed some extra cookies in your lunch

to help you make friends.

Oh, um, I ate the cookies

try to find a friend who likes carrots.

Ok. Well...

Guess this is it.

Hey, give those cows hell, boys.

Hey, Kelso,

I love you!

Shut up!

I love you, too, Kelso!

You guys, quit it!

I love you the most!

We were just kidding.

So was I. S-so was I.

I can't believe there were no cows, man.

Yeah, what are we gonna do
with all these bottle rockets?

Fine, I'll be the cow.

But this time, count all the way to ten.

You got it, buddy.

One. Ten.