That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 9 - Black Dog - full transcript
The news Jackie's dad councilman Burkhart had to resign after embezzlement charges convinces Kelso she'll soon be running back to home for a comforting shoulder, as Steven's remains as cold as his heart. 'Perfect couple' Eric and Donna finds they disagree whether the way to go is closeness or giving space, and asking the equally divided Forman parents only causes another menopause-crisis... Fez enjoys bossy boss Nina giving him a stern lesson in fingerprints-taking, but the ink leaves its black mark on her and a part of him he normally only touches, a lot... Kelso has dug up his pallet gun from his garden, which was buried after he accidentally killed -till now oblivious- Eric's hamster; now Hyde's taunting coincides with another involuntary shot, and the fiend -who constantly punches his poor pall's arm black and blue- pretends to be hit in the deceptively patched eye till Michael, who fears to have shot 'accidentally on purpose', hands it over penitentially for undeserved corporal punishment aimed at the beaut-boy's butt...
Steven, I'm telling you,
beards are out.
Look at Malibu Barbie.
She can date
anyone she wants.
But she's
with Malibu Ken. Why?
Because Malibu Ken
doesn't have a beard!
Yes, he does.
Malibu Barbie's his beard.
No straight man would wear
shorts that tight.
I don't care.
Just shave it off.
It's like making out
with carpet.
Well, here it is- the beginning
of the end for you two.
Yeah, I remember the part of our relationship
when aIIJackie did was boss me around.
Yeah, that part only lasted-
what, like, six years?
And he's a better man
for it.
So come on, Steven.
Let's shave that beard.
Jackie, you just gave an order
in the form of a cheer.
Oh, where are you going?
Wherever the beard takes me.
Jackie, sweetie, we just got a phone call,
and you're needed at home.
So why don't you grab your coat.
Mr. Forman'll give you a ride home.
- Do you know what's going on?
- No. I don't know anything.
I know everything!
You know how Jackie's father
is a city councilman?
Not anymore. He just got arrested
for bribery. He could go to prison.
Well, I'm glad.
That guy makes Republicans look like
a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Yeah, well, thank God for the honest ones
like Richard Nixon, huh?
Oh, no.
What did you say?
I- I said that...
Nixon was framed,
and Kennedy was a commie?
That's right.
What's with the gun,
Trigger?
Oh, will you relax, Eric?
It's not a gun. It's a BB gun.
Yeah, I lost it when I was, like, 10, and I found
it this morning buried in my backyard.
Why were you digging
in your backyard?
Uh, dinosaurs.
Watch the news, Donna!
You guys, I can't believe that Mr. Burkhart
might actually be going to prison.
Ah, the tragedy. My father
was sent to prison...
and it led to a life
of drugs and prostitution.
- What?
- Yes. Then his pimp killed him.
But then the medical
examiner found a tiny hair.
And he solved the crime, and he sent
the pimp bastard to the chair.
Fez, that was last night's
episode of Quincy.
Oh, I didn't know
you watched that show.
Yeah, this is rough stuff
Jackie's going through.
She'll come runnin' to me-
Old Faithful.
Kelso, Jackie's
with me now.
Maybe.
But we have history.
So when she needs a shoulder to cry on,
she'll rest her head on these broad babies.
Feel 'em.
Rock hard, amigo.
Man, you don't wantJackie
leaning on your shoulders.
- They're all bruised.
- Where?
(Groans)
Man, I should really
see those coming by now.
Oh! Watch the gun,
Cool Hand Luke.
Will you relax, Eric?
God, guns don't just go off by accident.
Really? Well, what about Eric's
fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Oh, no, Snowball wasn't shot. He went
upstate to live with a nice farm family.
You shot Snowball?
Well, the gun went off
by accident!
Oh, sweet pea,
I'm here for you.
Steven, my dad's going to prison.
What am I gonna do?
Um, bake him a cake
with a file in it?
What do you want me to say?
Nothing. Look, I just-
Oh, never mind.
Now we're talking.
Donna, give her a kiss.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Jackie blew right by me
to get to Hyde!
Yes, I know.
Because you told me 20 times!
Oh, there's my boss, Nina.
Queen of the D.M. V.
She haunts my dreams.
Wait. I thought Mr. Roper from
Three's Company haunted your dreams.
Oh, he's there too.
Bug-eyed bastard.
Look at how beautiful she is.
You have to help me
win her heart.
What ever happened
toJackie's heart?
At first I thought they
were just killing time.
- But Nina-
- But now I actually think they're getting serious.
- But Nina-
- Jackie and Hyde-
Enough! It's over
for you, pin-brain!
Now, to summarize-
Jackie gone,
Nina still in play.
Now help me do this thing.
Fez.
Nina. My "queen-a."
(Giggles)
I told you I don't like that.
Now you're late for your
fingerprint tutorial, so move it.
Whoo, tough cookie.
Yes, Fez likes
the hardheaded mamas.
Really? I'm starting to
get into the Asian ladies.
I know what you mean.
Mystery of the Orient. Very sexy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Donna, what are you doing
wearing the engagement ring?
It's supposed to be a secret.
You didn't tell anyone, did you?
Yeah, Eric, I have no self-control,
so I told the pretzel guy at the park.
(Laughs)
Okay.
Seriously, I have no self-control,
and I told the pretzel guy at the park.
- Donna!
- I'm sorry.
I'm excited.
I had to tell someone.
Plus, uh, free pretzel.
What's wrong, Steven?
Problems with Jackie?
Yeah, I said the wrong thing.
Well, I have menopause.
Do you have menopause?
Uh, no.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sorry.
(Laughing) So...
tell me what happened.
(Clears Throat)
Well...
she wanted me to say something to make her
feel better, and I couldn't think of anything.
Well, Steven, you don't know how to comfort
people, because you've never been comforted.
No, that's not true. One time, my dad felt
so bad about missing my Little League game...
that he made up for it
by disappearing for nine years.
Well, after what you've been through...
you don't have to be nice to anybody.
Jackie can just leave you alone.
Now I'm just- I'm gonna
go upstairs and cry a little.
Problems with Jackie, huh?
Hyde, I'd like to remind you that Donna
and I are basically the perfect couple.
We really are.
So we might just have
a little something to teach you...
about relationships.
We really do.
- All you have to do is back off.
- Go to her.
What?
No, he needs to be with her.
No, he needs to give her space.
When your mom left, I gave you space.
I didn't want space.
I wanted you with me.
- You didn't tell me that.
- I couldn't find you!
And they lived
happily ever after.
Fingerprinting is one of the most
important jobs at the D.M.V., Fez.
It helps make our customers
feel like common criminals.
(Giggling)
See? Firm but gentle.
Repeat that:
firm but gentle.
Fir- but ge-ge-
(Sighs)
Your hands are strong.
But your right hand's much stronger
than your left. Why is that?
Um, I am a sword fighter.
You fence?
Touch?.
You know, I'm- I'm sorry if I'm a little
short-tempered with you sometimes.
It's just, well,
when I see you, I just-
No. No, I can't.
But- But I am
all atwitter.
No. No. I'm sorry.
I just can't.
And no one can know about this.
But, Mom, Dad's in trouble.
So I really think you need
to come back from Acapulco now.
Uh-huh.
Wow, that is
a lot of tequila.
Red, Jackie's been moping
in our kitchen for an hour.
So call the cops.
I don't want her arrested.
I want to help her.
She needs a father figure.
Go talk to her.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Red!
Fine. Every damn argument!
You'd think I'd win one,
just by chance.
- Mr. Forman-
- Look, Jackie...
I know that things seem grim,
but your father's rich, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, then I'm sure that whatever trouble he's in...
he'll buy his way out
and wriggle free.
You're right.
I mean, this is America.
The rich are treated
differently here.
Yep. And I'm so glad I took
some shrapnel to make that happen.
Me too.
So, Hyde, have you
talked toJackie yet?
'Cause don't- 'Cause you gotta
give her room to breathe, man.
Yeah. And if she ever
falls out of a plane...
just let her fall.
What, he's supposed to
just jump out after her?
Well, at least
they'll be together.
Man, I don't getJackie.
I mean, we were
together for years...
and the second I turn my back,
she off and Frenches Hyde.
And by "turn your back,"
you mean ditching her for two months...
to have sex
with random beach trash?
Whatever, man.
You- It's all- It's all
about words with you!
Kelso, Jackie's my girlfriend.
We're together, so get over it.
- (Stammering) Fine!
- (Gunshot)
Dude, you shot him!
That is exactly
what happened to Snowball!
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Did I shoot your eye?
Yes! Now I can't see,
you moron! You're dead!
- (Eric) I'd start running now.
- Chasing me is futile!
I'll just hide
in your blind spot!
(Groaning)
- Man, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
The BB just winged
my shoulder.
But that kid needs
to be taught a lesson.
Hyde, it was an accident.
No, it wasn't.
He's been bitching about me
and Jackie since he found out.
Now he got himself
so out of control that he shot me.
I don't like getting shot!
So now I'm gonna punish him
the way my parents punish me.
You're gonna leave him
at the mall?
No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing
until he feels as bad as he should.
They didn't leave me at the mall.
They forgot me.
They were drunk.
- (Stereo: Rock)
- I am in pain.
Fez, we're really sorry
about Nina.
You know,
rejection hurts.
No, Nina and I were kissing,
and she made me stop...
and now I am in pain.
Ew.
I have to go do something.
(Door Closes)
I think maybe we're all getting a little
too comfortable with each other.
Well, maybe we wouldn't be so comfortable
if we just gave each other some space.
- Don't make me hit you.
- Well, good luck reaching me
through all the space.
Hey, guys. Is Hyde here?
Hyde?
Hey, Hyde. I brought you this.
What is it? I can't see.
Well, it's most of a burger.
I took a bite, 'cause I'm sorry,
but I'm also hungry.
Yeah, well, it's almost 2:00.
I gotta go flush out my eye.
You guys, how bad is it?
Is Hyde gonna be a cyclops?
Kelso, what were you thinking?
I mean, did you shoot him on purpose?
No! The gun went off
on accident!
Well, he kinda thinks
you did.
How could I?
I mean, yeah, I was mad.
But I didn't-
I don't know.
Maybe I did it
accidentally on purpose.
- You mean subconsciously?
- No, I was definitely awake the whole time.
Steven, I'm glad
your eye's not hurt.
Even though you deserve it
because you were such a jerk about my dad.
Man, look, Jackie-
(Sighs)
I'm never gonna be the guy who says
the right thing at the right time.
Okay? I'm just not.
You are so full of it. All I'm asking for
is a gesture, and you can't even do that.
(Clears Throat)
Okay, I got something.
Get your dad
a carton of cigarettes...
so he can trade 'em for
not being someone's wife.
- Oh, just forget it.
- No. No.
Jackie, that's funny.
Look, when my dad went to prison, that's what
someone told me to make me feel better.
It was my mom!
We had a real good laugh!
Mr. and Mrs. Forman,
can you settle this for us?
If someone you love
is kinda depressed...
should you shower them
with kindness or give them space?
Well, now, that's
a very good question.
And it really takes a lot of living
with someone to get it right.
- That's true.
- But you'll find the thing to do is-
- Give them space.
- shower them.
What did you say?
I said what you said.
You're lying.
Oh, come on, Kitty!
When menopause
makes you crazy...
I could be with you all day
and it wouldn't do any good.
You need space.
Oh. Menopause
makes me crazy?
I'm crazy?
I'm crazy?
Well, if you want space,
Red Forman, you got it!
This crazy lady's
out the crazy door!
We were having a nice lunch.
(Clattering)
Okay, Hyde, I feel really bad,
and I shouldn't have shot you.
And I think that I might've
done it on purpose...
'cause I'm not okay with you and Jackie...
and I don't know if I ever will be.
But I'm almost positive that
I'll never, ever shoot you again.
But the only way to be sure
is for you to shoot me.
I've always responded really
well to corporal punishment.
So, here.
Do it. Shoot me.
This is like Old Yeller.
Come on, man.
Just do it. Right here.
It's the only way.
Okay.
- You lied!
- (Gunshot)
(Groans)
You're dead, man!
So, how's stuff
with your dad?
Well, my mom's flying home from
the Fiesta de las Margaritas...
so I guess it's pretty serious.
Wow, that is serious.
Playboy voted
Fiesta de las Margaritas...
Latin America's
number one singles party.
But I-
(Clears Throat)
I'm sure she's just there
for the margaritas.
Oh, my God, you guys,
my whole world is just falling apart.
Oh.
Hey.
Steven!
You shaved your beard off!
- I thought it might cheer you up.
- Oh, my God.
You shaved it off for me.
You let the razor say the words
your mouth couldn't speak.
- (Together) Aww.
- Shut up!
(Squeals)
So I guess the answer to the problem
wasn't more or less space.
It was more or less hair.
And that's bizarre.
Okay, I've been thinking about it-
about the space thing, and I got it.
You'll talk about stuff,
and I'll just leave.
And I'll follow you.
Because I'm strong enough
to take you down and make you listen.
And I will let you lie on me
and pretend that it bothers me.
Guys, something horrible
has happened.
The little man in my pants
has turned black.
It's not funny!
Black is the color of death!
Oh, my little man is going to die
before he gets to see the world.
I'm so sorry.
How could this happen?
How?
Okay, I washed. But the ink
isn't coming off my little man. Help.
You should try bleach.
- Ooh. Or Comet.
- Yeah. Or steel wool.
Hey, and if all else fails...
the one thing that
gets out ink is more ink.
That's right, Hyde. Whatever you
do, use the steel wool first.
Really scrub
so the soap gets in there.
Remember, if it doesn't sting,
it's not working.
beards are out.
Look at Malibu Barbie.
She can date
anyone she wants.
But she's
with Malibu Ken. Why?
Because Malibu Ken
doesn't have a beard!
Yes, he does.
Malibu Barbie's his beard.
No straight man would wear
shorts that tight.
I don't care.
Just shave it off.
It's like making out
with carpet.
Well, here it is- the beginning
of the end for you two.
Yeah, I remember the part of our relationship
when aIIJackie did was boss me around.
Yeah, that part only lasted-
what, like, six years?
And he's a better man
for it.
So come on, Steven.
Let's shave that beard.
Jackie, you just gave an order
in the form of a cheer.
Oh, where are you going?
Wherever the beard takes me.
Jackie, sweetie, we just got a phone call,
and you're needed at home.
So why don't you grab your coat.
Mr. Forman'll give you a ride home.
- Do you know what's going on?
- No. I don't know anything.
I know everything!
You know how Jackie's father
is a city councilman?
Not anymore. He just got arrested
for bribery. He could go to prison.
Well, I'm glad.
That guy makes Republicans look like
a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.
Yeah, well, thank God for the honest ones
like Richard Nixon, huh?
Oh, no.
What did you say?
I- I said that...
Nixon was framed,
and Kennedy was a commie?
That's right.
What's with the gun,
Trigger?
Oh, will you relax, Eric?
It's not a gun. It's a BB gun.
Yeah, I lost it when I was, like, 10, and I found
it this morning buried in my backyard.
Why were you digging
in your backyard?
Uh, dinosaurs.
Watch the news, Donna!
You guys, I can't believe that Mr. Burkhart
might actually be going to prison.
Ah, the tragedy. My father
was sent to prison...
and it led to a life
of drugs and prostitution.
- What?
- Yes. Then his pimp killed him.
But then the medical
examiner found a tiny hair.
And he solved the crime, and he sent
the pimp bastard to the chair.
Fez, that was last night's
episode of Quincy.
Oh, I didn't know
you watched that show.
Yeah, this is rough stuff
Jackie's going through.
She'll come runnin' to me-
Old Faithful.
Kelso, Jackie's
with me now.
Maybe.
But we have history.
So when she needs a shoulder to cry on,
she'll rest her head on these broad babies.
Feel 'em.
Rock hard, amigo.
Man, you don't wantJackie
leaning on your shoulders.
- They're all bruised.
- Where?
(Groans)
Man, I should really
see those coming by now.
Oh! Watch the gun,
Cool Hand Luke.
Will you relax, Eric?
God, guns don't just go off by accident.
Really? Well, what about Eric's
fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?
Oh, no, Snowball wasn't shot. He went
upstate to live with a nice farm family.
You shot Snowball?
Well, the gun went off
by accident!
Oh, sweet pea,
I'm here for you.
Steven, my dad's going to prison.
What am I gonna do?
Um, bake him a cake
with a file in it?
What do you want me to say?
Nothing. Look, I just-
Oh, never mind.
Now we're talking.
Donna, give her a kiss.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Jackie blew right by me
to get to Hyde!
Yes, I know.
Because you told me 20 times!
Oh, there's my boss, Nina.
Queen of the D.M. V.
She haunts my dreams.
Wait. I thought Mr. Roper from
Three's Company haunted your dreams.
Oh, he's there too.
Bug-eyed bastard.
Look at how beautiful she is.
You have to help me
win her heart.
What ever happened
toJackie's heart?
At first I thought they
were just killing time.
- But Nina-
- But now I actually think they're getting serious.
- But Nina-
- Jackie and Hyde-
Enough! It's over
for you, pin-brain!
Now, to summarize-
Jackie gone,
Nina still in play.
Now help me do this thing.
Fez.
Nina. My "queen-a."
(Giggles)
I told you I don't like that.
Now you're late for your
fingerprint tutorial, so move it.
Whoo, tough cookie.
Yes, Fez likes
the hardheaded mamas.
Really? I'm starting to
get into the Asian ladies.
I know what you mean.
Mystery of the Orient. Very sexy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Donna, what are you doing
wearing the engagement ring?
It's supposed to be a secret.
You didn't tell anyone, did you?
Yeah, Eric, I have no self-control,
so I told the pretzel guy at the park.
(Laughs)
Okay.
Seriously, I have no self-control,
and I told the pretzel guy at the park.
- Donna!
- I'm sorry.
I'm excited.
I had to tell someone.
Plus, uh, free pretzel.
What's wrong, Steven?
Problems with Jackie?
Yeah, I said the wrong thing.
Well, I have menopause.
Do you have menopause?
Uh, no.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sorry.
(Laughing) So...
tell me what happened.
(Clears Throat)
Well...
she wanted me to say something to make her
feel better, and I couldn't think of anything.
Well, Steven, you don't know how to comfort
people, because you've never been comforted.
No, that's not true. One time, my dad felt
so bad about missing my Little League game...
that he made up for it
by disappearing for nine years.
Well, after what you've been through...
you don't have to be nice to anybody.
Jackie can just leave you alone.
Now I'm just- I'm gonna
go upstairs and cry a little.
Problems with Jackie, huh?
Hyde, I'd like to remind you that Donna
and I are basically the perfect couple.
We really are.
So we might just have
a little something to teach you...
about relationships.
We really do.
- All you have to do is back off.
- Go to her.
What?
No, he needs to be with her.
No, he needs to give her space.
When your mom left, I gave you space.
I didn't want space.
I wanted you with me.
- You didn't tell me that.
- I couldn't find you!
And they lived
happily ever after.
Fingerprinting is one of the most
important jobs at the D.M.V., Fez.
It helps make our customers
feel like common criminals.
(Giggling)
See? Firm but gentle.
Repeat that:
firm but gentle.
Fir- but ge-ge-
(Sighs)
Your hands are strong.
But your right hand's much stronger
than your left. Why is that?
Um, I am a sword fighter.
You fence?
Touch?.
You know, I'm- I'm sorry if I'm a little
short-tempered with you sometimes.
It's just, well,
when I see you, I just-
No. No, I can't.
But- But I am
all atwitter.
No. No. I'm sorry.
I just can't.
And no one can know about this.
But, Mom, Dad's in trouble.
So I really think you need
to come back from Acapulco now.
Uh-huh.
Wow, that is
a lot of tequila.
Red, Jackie's been moping
in our kitchen for an hour.
So call the cops.
I don't want her arrested.
I want to help her.
She needs a father figure.
Go talk to her.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Red!
Fine. Every damn argument!
You'd think I'd win one,
just by chance.
- Mr. Forman-
- Look, Jackie...
I know that things seem grim,
but your father's rich, right?
- Uh-huh.
- Well, then I'm sure that whatever trouble he's in...
he'll buy his way out
and wriggle free.
You're right.
I mean, this is America.
The rich are treated
differently here.
Yep. And I'm so glad I took
some shrapnel to make that happen.
Me too.
So, Hyde, have you
talked toJackie yet?
'Cause don't- 'Cause you gotta
give her room to breathe, man.
Yeah. And if she ever
falls out of a plane...
just let her fall.
What, he's supposed to
just jump out after her?
Well, at least
they'll be together.
Man, I don't getJackie.
I mean, we were
together for years...
and the second I turn my back,
she off and Frenches Hyde.
And by "turn your back,"
you mean ditching her for two months...
to have sex
with random beach trash?
Whatever, man.
You- It's all- It's all
about words with you!
Kelso, Jackie's my girlfriend.
We're together, so get over it.
- (Stammering) Fine!
- (Gunshot)
Dude, you shot him!
That is exactly
what happened to Snowball!
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Did I shoot your eye?
Yes! Now I can't see,
you moron! You're dead!
- (Eric) I'd start running now.
- Chasing me is futile!
I'll just hide
in your blind spot!
(Groaning)
- Man, are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
The BB just winged
my shoulder.
But that kid needs
to be taught a lesson.
Hyde, it was an accident.
No, it wasn't.
He's been bitching about me
and Jackie since he found out.
Now he got himself
so out of control that he shot me.
I don't like getting shot!
So now I'm gonna punish him
the way my parents punish me.
You're gonna leave him
at the mall?
No. I'm gonna milk this eye thing
until he feels as bad as he should.
They didn't leave me at the mall.
They forgot me.
They were drunk.
- (Stereo: Rock)
- I am in pain.
Fez, we're really sorry
about Nina.
You know,
rejection hurts.
No, Nina and I were kissing,
and she made me stop...
and now I am in pain.
Ew.
I have to go do something.
(Door Closes)
I think maybe we're all getting a little
too comfortable with each other.
Well, maybe we wouldn't be so comfortable
if we just gave each other some space.
- Don't make me hit you.
- Well, good luck reaching me
through all the space.
Hey, guys. Is Hyde here?
Hyde?
Hey, Hyde. I brought you this.
What is it? I can't see.
Well, it's most of a burger.
I took a bite, 'cause I'm sorry,
but I'm also hungry.
Yeah, well, it's almost 2:00.
I gotta go flush out my eye.
You guys, how bad is it?
Is Hyde gonna be a cyclops?
Kelso, what were you thinking?
I mean, did you shoot him on purpose?
No! The gun went off
on accident!
Well, he kinda thinks
you did.
How could I?
I mean, yeah, I was mad.
But I didn't-
I don't know.
Maybe I did it
accidentally on purpose.
- You mean subconsciously?
- No, I was definitely awake the whole time.
Steven, I'm glad
your eye's not hurt.
Even though you deserve it
because you were such a jerk about my dad.
Man, look, Jackie-
(Sighs)
I'm never gonna be the guy who says
the right thing at the right time.
Okay? I'm just not.
You are so full of it. All I'm asking for
is a gesture, and you can't even do that.
(Clears Throat)
Okay, I got something.
Get your dad
a carton of cigarettes...
so he can trade 'em for
not being someone's wife.
- Oh, just forget it.
- No. No.
Jackie, that's funny.
Look, when my dad went to prison, that's what
someone told me to make me feel better.
It was my mom!
We had a real good laugh!
Mr. and Mrs. Forman,
can you settle this for us?
If someone you love
is kinda depressed...
should you shower them
with kindness or give them space?
Well, now, that's
a very good question.
And it really takes a lot of living
with someone to get it right.
- That's true.
- But you'll find the thing to do is-
- Give them space.
- shower them.
What did you say?
I said what you said.
You're lying.
Oh, come on, Kitty!
When menopause
makes you crazy...
I could be with you all day
and it wouldn't do any good.
You need space.
Oh. Menopause
makes me crazy?
I'm crazy?
I'm crazy?
Well, if you want space,
Red Forman, you got it!
This crazy lady's
out the crazy door!
We were having a nice lunch.
(Clattering)
Okay, Hyde, I feel really bad,
and I shouldn't have shot you.
And I think that I might've
done it on purpose...
'cause I'm not okay with you and Jackie...
and I don't know if I ever will be.
But I'm almost positive that
I'll never, ever shoot you again.
But the only way to be sure
is for you to shoot me.
I've always responded really
well to corporal punishment.
So, here.
Do it. Shoot me.
This is like Old Yeller.
Come on, man.
Just do it. Right here.
It's the only way.
Okay.
- You lied!
- (Gunshot)
(Groans)
You're dead, man!
So, how's stuff
with your dad?
Well, my mom's flying home from
the Fiesta de las Margaritas...
so I guess it's pretty serious.
Wow, that is serious.
Playboy voted
Fiesta de las Margaritas...
Latin America's
number one singles party.
But I-
(Clears Throat)
I'm sure she's just there
for the margaritas.
Oh, my God, you guys,
my whole world is just falling apart.
Oh.
Hey.
Steven!
You shaved your beard off!
- I thought it might cheer you up.
- Oh, my God.
You shaved it off for me.
You let the razor say the words
your mouth couldn't speak.
- (Together) Aww.
- Shut up!
(Squeals)
So I guess the answer to the problem
wasn't more or less space.
It was more or less hair.
And that's bizarre.
Okay, I've been thinking about it-
about the space thing, and I got it.
You'll talk about stuff,
and I'll just leave.
And I'll follow you.
Because I'm strong enough
to take you down and make you listen.
And I will let you lie on me
and pretend that it bothers me.
Guys, something horrible
has happened.
The little man in my pants
has turned black.
It's not funny!
Black is the color of death!
Oh, my little man is going to die
before he gets to see the world.
I'm so sorry.
How could this happen?
How?
Okay, I washed. But the ink
isn't coming off my little man. Help.
You should try bleach.
- Ooh. Or Comet.
- Yeah. Or steel wool.
Hey, and if all else fails...
the one thing that
gets out ink is more ink.
That's right, Hyde. Whatever you
do, use the steel wool first.
Really scrub
so the soap gets in there.
Remember, if it doesn't sting,
it's not working.