That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 8 - Thank You - full transcript

(Stereo: Soft Rock)

I love this ring.

I wish we could tell people
that we're engaged.

You know, without Red killing you.

Red kills happy things.
It's what he does.

Let's just enjoy the fact
that someday...

you are going to be Mrs. Forman.

Mrs. Forman?
(Laughs)

You want me to go by Mrs. Forman?

Well, yeah, I just assumed.
I mean, come on.

(Laughing)
Pinciotti?



- Which is nice. No. Which is really nice.
- (Kitty) Eric?

Eric? Honey...

could you get the Thanksgiving turkey
out of the freezer?

Oh, wait. It's a 20-pounder.
Donna.

Could you get the Thanksgiving turkey
out of the freezer?

Sure, Mrs. Forman.

See? There's your Mrs. Forman.

Okay. Yeah, you know-
(Clears Throat) you're right.

That's gonna be a little creepy.

Well, now I kinda like it.
Call me Mrs. Forman.

- No.
- Mrs. Forman's feeling dirty.

- Okay, Donna-
- Come on. Give Mrs. Forman a big French kiss!

No! Donna, no!

(Rock Group Singing)



(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay. Perfect.
We're all set for turkey day.

And there'll be plenty of room,
especially without Laurie.

Has anyone heard from her?
Of course not!

I guess respect and courtesy
aren't genetic like...

my slim hips.

Hey, Schotzie, stay away
from my witch sister.

Her and her witch friends have been known
to sacrifice small animals.

Oh, and possibly
that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Eric, little Wally moved away.

A six-year-old moved away?

His parents
still live in that house.

Mrs. Forman, if it helps,
I can inviteJackie to Thanksgiving.

She's bitchy like Laurie.

Mrs. Forman, I would love to come
to your Thanksgiving dinner...

and I'll bring a date and a
12-pack just like the pilgrims.

Hey, guys. Red is gonna flip
when he sees this failing notice.

"To the parent or guardian
of Eric Forman."

Your son is a complete idiot.

Please kick him out
and raise the foreign boy as your own.

Man, all I did was mess up
on two math quizzes...

but Ms. McGee has to be all-

(Whining) I'm Ms. McGee.
I wear high heels and fail everybody.

What's that?

That's Ms. McGee.

You hardly changed your voice.

Well, sure, I did.
(Whining) I'm Ms. McGee.

That's just your voice.

- I'm doing an impression.
- Well, you suck at impressions.

- Okay. Forget it.
- Are you still doing her?

Oh, hey, Red.
Do me a favor. Sign this, huh?

My gym teacher's failing me
'cause I won't wear shorts.

- Why won't you wear shorts?
- Would you wear shorts?

Fine.

- Thank you.
- So, Eric. How's school treating you?

You managing to, uh, keep
from embarrassing yourself?

Yeah. Oh, sure. I've been
buckling down just like you said...

and thinking a little bit
more about my future...

which I believe
you also recommended.

Well, it's good to know...

that 17 years of kicking your ass
has finally paid off.

Eric, you didn't have him
sign your failing notice.

Oh, I don't wanna
trouble him with this old thing.

I'll just sign his name
myself, because...

that's how good a son I am.

(Man Singing Blues Rock)

(Gobbling)

Okay, careful. Careful.
Watch the TV.

Okay, this is good.
Perfect. Perfect.

You. Why are you here?

You don't even know
what Thanksgiving is.

I'm here because my host parents
are feeding bums at church.

Charity begins at home, my ass.

(Doorbell Rings)

- Laurie.
- Hey, little brother.

You're back. And you're not
even eight months pregnant.

- Mommy!
- Laurie!

(Laughs) Oh, my goodness!
I knew you'd come.

- Hi, Daddy!
- All the phones broken in Chicago?

No. Well, see, I had other plans...

but my date-
I mean, business associate-

had to go be with his wife.

I mean, other business associate.

I'm doin' good!

Okay, well, you know what?

I'm gonna set you a place
right next to me at the big table.

No, Kitty.
I think that seat belongs to Eric.

Me? At the adults' table?

Are you sure I'm ready?

- But, Daddy-
- Maybe before you leave...

you'll be acting
a little more like him.

Yeah!
(Laughing)

I'm the favorite now. Ooh!

Taste that.

Pimp gave ya the holiday off, huh?

Yeah. He replaced me with your mom.

Now it's Thanksgiving.

Hey, Donna.

You know how my dad's proud of me...

- for doing so well in school?
- Even though it's a lie, and you're failing math...

- 'cause you spend all your time with me?
- Yeah. Right. That's-

That's right. Well, just now, right now,
right in there, right now...

Red asked me to
sit at the grown-ups' table.

Wow!

I hear each person over there
gets their own biscuit.

Yeah. Donna, it's glorious.

Donna.

Donna, I want to tell
everyone we're engaged. Tonight.

Tonight? Are you sure?

Yeah, I just-

I just want everyone
to know, you know?

So when the moment's right...

we'll just-we'll tell 'em all.

This is so awesome!

And then, just in case,
we'll run like hell.

- I probably won't wait for you.
- Oh, okay. Yeah.

That's a beautiful table, Kitty.

Well, thank you, Daddy.
So glad that you and Mom could be here.

Well, we have to eat somewhere.

And, Mom, I know that we have had
our ups and downs...

but in honor of this special day...

I would like to tell you
that I am thankful...

that you are my mother,
and I love you.

Isn't there something
you would like to tell me?

Actually, I would like
some more tea.

I'll try and slip
some booze in there...

in the interest of a happy holiday.

So, Thanksgiving.

We celebrate the subjugation
of an indigenous people...

with yams and Underdog floats.

Yeah. I'm mostly celebrating
my pretty new dress.

And so much for talking.

May I wet your whistle, grandpa?

Gonna have to say yes to that.

Well, cannot let this go to waste.

When did they get a houseboy?

(Pounding)

Happy Thanksgiving, Mrs. Forman.

This is my date Carol.

Ms. McGee?

Kelso...

you're dating my math teacher?

No. No, no, no.
We're not dating.

We just have a relationship...

that I thought
we agreed to keep a secret?

Well, um, welcome.

Michael,
she is 10 years older than you.

Oh, no, no.
Nine and five-twelfths.

- (Laughs) She taught me that.
- Ooh!

- Very good, Michael.
- Thank you.

Okay.

Kelso, how could you bring her?

Oh, relax, man. She's not going to
quiz you or anything.

But if she does,
the square root of zero is zero.

She got me with that last night,
earned herself a free massage.

Um, Ms. McGee,
being that it's a holiday and all...

there are certain math-related...

failing-type things
I'd rather not talk about.

I hear you. There are certain things
I'd like to keep quiet too.

So if anyone from the school board
should ask...

I came alone,
and I left before dessert.

Eric, maybe we should wait
on the big announcement...

now that your math teacher is here.

Oh, no, Donna.
We don't have to worry...

'cause she's not
my math teacher today.

Today she's a cradle-robbing slut.

- Yea, student-teacher relationships!
- Yea!

Hey, Laurie.
Long time no doin' it.

Maybe for you.

So, what time is your date
gonna let you out for recess?

Nice try, Laurie. There's no recess today.
It's Thanksgiving!

Wow, Laurie.

(Laughs) Yeah, me and her
really had something, huh?

Yeah. Ointment
took care of that, though, right?

Yeah.

(Chattering)

This looks great.

Here you go.
One for Burt and one for Ernie.

I'm calling you Ernie now
because you look like the Muppet.

I didn't ask for a drink.

I didn't ask to be born in a field.

But you fought back
against adversity...

just like your Indian brothers.

What is he, Cherokee?

(Singsongy)
Gobble, gobble, gobble.

It's time to carve the turkey.

(Giggling)
Red.

Actually, Kitty,
I think this is Eric's year.

Seems like he's growing up
and finally buckling down.

Here you go, Son.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, in that case, I would like to
make a... kind of announcement.

Check it out!
I'm bread man.

Shut up! Eric's talking.

Go ahead, honey.

Okay.

Well, I'm really glad
that my family's here and my friends...

and, well, even my math teacher.

Because, uh, something
happened a few days ago that
I'd like to share with everyone.

Eric, we agreed this isn't the time.

- No. No, I meant-
- Not the time for what?

To talk about how he's failing math.

- What?
- Fez, what the hell?

I've been drinking.

Mr. Forman,
you did sign the failing notice.

I didn't sign-

You forged my name?

Wow. I really picked
the right day to come home, huh?

Okay, um...

who likes dark meat?

Hey, who doesn't?
Am I right, ladies?

Oh, Lord.

So you lied to me about school.

Now, it wasn't a lie so much as a...

misdirection, really.

We'll talk about this later.

Well, Laurie, looks like
a seat just opened up for you.

Come on over and grab a biscuit.

Forty-two minutes
and I'm back on top.

So, that was kind of a mess.

Oh, no. That's what
I wanted to happen.

Burt, honey, pass me your plate.

Burtikins.

- Burt!
- I'm up.

Bob, you know what
Eric's problem is?

All that time he's spending
with your daughter.

Hey, Donna ain't the problem.

Eric's the one who corrupted her up so dirty,
I had to send her to Catholic school.

How could he be failing math?

Kitty, I'm sure
he did the best he could.

For someone who was
held too long as a baby.

I bet that explains
why he hit puberty so late too.

No. That was because
of your mother's smoking.

Fez, I know you've only spoken English
for a couple weeks now, but...

could you have learned the words,
"Don't tell my dad"?

"Don't," a contraction
meaning "do not"...

and "tell my dad," meaning shut up?

Okay, right there,
you just told me not to shut up.

It's a wonder you're not
failing English too.

Crack a book,
you lazy son of a bitch.

So, guys...

Ms. McGee.
(Laughs)

Pretty nice, huh? If they put one of her
in every classroom...

I'd never skip school again,
if you know what I mean.

I mean, I'm doin' it with my teacher!

Oh, shh! It's a secret.

I've never been with a teacher.

But I was with the post-office lady.
That was cool.

I got a hundred free stamps
and a monster roll of tape.

I like older women.
They always got something smart to say.

(Stereo: Soft Rock)

I think I could probably
fit inside of a record player.

That's gotta sound good in there.

Inside of a record player?

I miss dating Kelso.

The guys I'm with now, they're so-

I don't know.
What's the word?

Married.

Hey, you and Kelso didn't date.

You're just a tramp he cheated with.

And you contaminated him
so much, I ended up with Steven...

who I love being with.

So thank you.

Wow. I'm the only one here...

who's never been with Kelso.

Which makes me wanna say, "Ew!"

And also, "Thank God."

But you, I mean, you're a teacher.

Can't you get in trouble
for dating a student?

Hey, let 'em come and get me.

He's 18.

I make $11 ,000 a year.

I deserve a little something.

So, that was one rootin'-tootin'...

big, old crap of a day, huh?

Yep. Pretty much.

I just really wanted to tell people
that we were engaged.

Know what?
Maybe it'd be easier...

if we just showed up
next Thanksgiving with a kid.

Hey, thanks for dinner, Kitty.

I'll remember to wear
my stretch pants next time.

Oh, let me know
if you find that button.

Good night. I apologize
if my being here upset you.

No, no, no. I- I just feel
you being seen out with a student...

is- it's just awfully bad principle.

He doesn't care.
He's dating a cheerleader.

Burt. Burtie Bear.

- Burt!
- Grandma, let me.

- Grandpa!
- I'm up!

My goodness,
you are going to make some lucky man...

a wonderful wife!

Oh, my God.

That's where Laurie
gets her mean streak.

It's not from delightful me.
It's from my evil mother!

So evil skips a generation.

So that means
that my granddaughter...

is gonna be the devil.

Well, don't worry. Because no woman's
gonna wanna bear your idiot kids...

if you can't even pass math.

How could you forge my signature?

- Here comes yelling.
- Yeah. I don't wanna hear this.

I'll help with the dishes.

And I'll take
these half-empty glasses.

Okay. No, no.
You've had enough.

Eric.

What the hell is wrong with you?

He doesn't understand
consequences, Daddy.

Well, maybe he'll understand this.

From now on, every time
you disobey me...

or lie to me or do anything
that pisses me off...

you're gonna pay me money.

Pay you?
Wait, you're fining me?

It's like giving him tickets
for being dumb.

Okay, okay. I think we're forgetting
about a time-tested punishment.

There's your foot. Here's my ass.
Swing away.

Well, it obviously doesn't work.

So, for forging my name...

you owe me 30 bucks.

Daddy, can I borrow $30?

- Sure, kitten.
- Wha-

Laurie, your grandparents
are sleeping in your room.

So you take Eric's room,
and the math whiz can ride the couch.

Well, another Thanksgiving
come and gone.

Certainly an eventful day, hmm?

Yeah. But with
our ungrateful daughter...

that dumb-ass son...

and a drunk foreign kid, I'd say...

actually, it was
a little better than last year.

- I know we're young.
- But we're totally in love.

And we just want you to know...

- we're engaged!
- We're engaged!

- Feels good to tell someone.
- Yeah.

I think they're happy for us.

Look, Schotzie's celebrating.

(Camera Shutter Clicking)