That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 7 - Hot Dog - full transcript

What are those?
Oh, Donna.

Did you buy Playboy for me?

No, they're college brochures.

Donna, these people are fully dressed.
That's just not gonna work for me.

My guidance counselor
gave them to me...

but I already told him
I'm going wherever you go.

How did I ever get
a girl as great as you?

- You know you can do better than me, right?
- (Laughs)

- But you're right next door. It's so easy.
- Right.

Oh, you two make me sick.

Looks like my mom,
but speaks like my dad.



I-I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

That wasn't me talking. That was-
That was-That was the menopause.

No, you don't have to apologize.

We totally get
what you're going through.

Well, thank the Lord!
Fertile Myrtle totally gets it!

- I miss the basement.
- Yeah.

Kitty, I know these past few weeks
have been hard on you-

hard on all of us, really.

But especially hard on you.
I mean, since you found out you were-

Just say it, Red.
Barren.

Well, there's no need
for both of us to say it.

So I got somethin'
to cheer my girl up.

Oh, good, 'cause I finished off
the last bottle this morning.

No, no.



I got you...

a puppy.

He needs someone
to take care of him.

- His mother got run over by a car.
- Did you run over a dog, Red?

No! I just hate to see you sad,
and I thought-

Oh, forget it. I'll take him back
and go to the liquor store.

Well, now wait.
Wait.

He's kind of cute.
Can I hold him?

Oh-ho-ho!

What a little lover boy!
Ooh!

- See? He likes you.
- (Barks)

Ah, how about that?

He's got menopause too.

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

I'll see you later.
I'm gonna go get out of this thing.

- Oh, boo!
- Selfish!

Man, what is with you guys
and this uniform?

It makes us want to corrupt you.

Man, Donna is so awesome.
She can afford to go to any school she wants...

but she wants to go where I go
just so we can be together.

Yeah, she is awesome.
Why is she with you again?

'Cause a good girlfriend
accepts her guy no matter what.

Jackie was always
trying to change me.

"Grow up, Michael."
"Act your age, Michael."

"Stop shooting grandmother
with a water pistol, Michael."

She's 92, Michael.

She had jam on her face!

Well, all I know is...

things with me and Donna
are going really, really well.

This is just about the point
where I screw things up.

- So don't screw it up.
- Fez. (Chuckles)

Oh, Fez.
(Sighs)

If history has taught us
anything, it's that...

screwing up is my nature.

But you know what I can do... is bank
a little goodwill- do something nice.

- (Snaps Fingers)
- Buy her a present.

Yep, she deserves it too.
Do you know how many times...

I tried to grab her boob
on the way to California?

And it would've been easier
for her if she would've let me!

'Cause you know me.
I won't stop.

I gotta get Donna
something really special...

something that reminds her
that even though I'm an idiot...

I'm an idiot who loves her.

I got it!
A scented candle!

Chicks can't keep their shirt on
around a scented candle.

Please, the battlefield of love
is littered with guys who give candles.

It's expensive jewelry or nothing.

Look, if you can't
put a price tag on love...

then how do you know
how much it's worth?

Jackie, what kind of crap is that?

- You haven't learned a thing from me.
- Wait.

Steven.
Well, what do you mean?

I mean, romance was created by
corporations to prey on losers...

who think buying nice things
will make somebody love them.

If you ever read anything besides what-
(Scoffs)

Donny Osmond puts on his waffles,
you might learn something.

(Chuckles)
I put whipped cream on my waffles too.

I eat like the stars!

- (Remote Clicks)
- Hey, when did you get the cute little wiener dog?

No, no, no, no, no!
Not in my chair!

Red Forman!

Schotzie is a helpless, little
animal with four breakable legs.

You can't throw him around the room
like you would Eric!

Red, you don't seem like
the type of guy who'd get a dog...

being that you're unfriendly.

Yeah, I know. I just wanted to do
something to cheer Kitty up.

Well, if you really wanted to cheer her up,
you should've bought her a banjo.

A banjo, Bob?

You can't hold a banjo
and not smile.

You can't hold a potato chip
and not smile.

Yes?

Um, I want to buy
a present for my girlfriend...

you know, that lets her know
how I feel about her.

Oh, no problem.
Oh, oh. Oh.

Would the, uh, lady
like a necklace? Huh?

(Muttering)

- Well, it's- it's nice.
- Yeah.

- It's a little- little creepy.
- Mmm.

Um, it doesn't really say
what I want to say though.

Oh, okay. Okay. Oh! Oh.

- How about a promise ring?
- Oh, don't even...

- get me started on promise rings.
- Really?

Like, once I gave her one,
and she didn't even want it.

- But then she gave me-
- How about that. Look how that shines.

Oh, that's nice, huh?
Uh.

Well, your...
finger hair...

- curling over the ring is kind of ruining it for me.
- Oh.

Does, uh, wearing the merchandise
usually work for you?

I don't know. I'm new here.
I used to work at the lingerie store.

- They fired me.
- Ah, yes. Ah.

I think I know what you're looking for.
Mm-hmm.

How about a diamond ring?
Oh, isn't that gorgeous? Look at that.

- Whoa. (Chuckles) That's an engagement ring.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm in high school, man.
That says, uh, too much.

Well, why don't you tell me
what it is you wanna say?

That I love her...

and we should be together forever.

An engagement ring
says that verbatim.

Well, too bad,
'cause I ain't buyin' one.

Well, I refuse
to put on any more jewelry!

Well, thank God for that!

(Clears Throat)

- Would you like to look around a little more?
- Sure.

And sorry about what I said.

- You look-You look really nice.
- Oh.

(Stereo: Rock)

Donna. You, me, tonight
at the water tower.

Make yourself foxy, 'cause you're getting
something pretty special.

Really. A present?
I will get foxy.

Oh, and Donna?
Donna, don't forget to wear flats...

so that Eric can feel like the boy.

So, Forman,
you finally broke down, huh?

- What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?
- No.

I got her way more
than a piece of jewelry.

I got her a gift
that really says something-

a diamond engagement ring.

As a joke?

No. You guys, I'm gonna
ask Donna to marry me.

As a joke?

The stupid helmet?

Why do I have to wear
the stupid helmet?

Because you're stupid!

You can't ask Donna
to marry you, man!

Why not? I mean, come on. We already know
that we're gonna be together forever.

No, you think that you're
gonna be together forever.

Remember how you were worried
about screwing things up?

This your Bay of Pigs, man.

Yeah, even in my country we weren't
stupid enough to get married in high school.

And we eat bugs!

Forman, what the hell
are you thinking?

You don't understand, okay?

I love her. I was down
at the store and I realized-

What am I waiting for?
We're happy.

You don't get engaged
when you're happy!

What's the point? You do it when your
back's against the wall and there's no way out...

like if the girl's pregnant.

It is settled, then.
Eric will get Donna pregnant.

I will oversee the proceedings
for verification purposes.

Ah, but he's so stupid,
how do we know he can do it?

- Jackie, help me out here.
- Well, I think it's beautiful.

Well, then you're crazy too.

Look, Steven.
I am my own woman, okay?

I'm allowed to have opinions about jewelry,
you present hater!

Listen, you guys.
I've thought about this a lot, okay?

Donna's willing to commit four years
of college to me. I wanna commit too.

Forman, I say this to you...

as a friend that likes
to see you get hurt.

If you don't take
that ring back right now...

you are going to end up
in a world of misery and pain.

Hey, I love Donna, okay?

So, did it ever occur to any of you
that I'm ready for a world of misery and pain?

Think about that!

Who wants the last piece of salami?

I'll take it.

Who wants the salami?

- I said, I do.
- (Laughing)

There you go, Schotzie!

I said, I wanted that.

But he was begging, Red.

We don't turn down beggars.

Do we, Schotzie?
No, we don't!

Okay, you guys know more about
relationships than my moron friends...

- so I have a question about me and Donna.
- No.

No more about you and Donna.
You need to be thinking about your future-

college, getting out of my house.

But... Donna is my future.

Honey, we know you love Donna...

but you two are so
on again and off again.

You're probably gonna be
off again sometime soon.

Won't they, Schotzie?
Yes, they will!

How about a career? Have you even given
thought to what you're gonna do with your life?

- Yes, Donna and I-
- I think he should be a pharmacist.

Now there's an idea.
You can count.

There's no heavy lifting.

You oughta see him try to wrestle
with that big mop down at the store.

- (Laughing)
- I don't see what any of this
has to do with me and Donna.

Oh, honey, but you would be
such a good pharmacist.

Your slender fingers are perfect
for picking up tiny pills.

Aren't they, Schotzie?
Yes, they are!

(Laughs)
Did you see that? He just nodded.

Man, everyone's down on me and Donna
getting engaged-you guys, my parents.

Even the Magic 8-Ball said,
"Outlook not so good."

I just- Lo-

I really think Donna
would love an engagement ring.

Oh, she'll love the ring.

It's the thought behind it
that'll send her running for the hills.

Or, maybe she'll see how smart
it is to get married...

when you're still in high school
and have no money or future.

I know I ran when Jackie
wanted to marry me.

'Cept I ran for California
instead of the hills.

I mean, the beach kicks
the hills's ass!

I mean, there's way more bikinis,
and they usually have a snack bar!

What if you guys are right?
What if she thinks I'm moving too fast?

Man, giving her this ring
is a huge gamble.

Am I man enough to make that bet?
No, no. The answer is no.

You see, Forman?

You tried to do a nice, thoughtful thing,
and you screwed yourself.

It's all about expectations, man.

Like, I've taughtJackie
to think I'm rude and inconsiderate.

I can't disappoint her,
because I'm always disappointing her!

And if I don't give Donna the ring,
what are we gonna do at the water tower?

Oh, God!

I do deserve this!

Does anyone else think
that Schotzie looks like Fez?

That dog is flyin'!

Well, I don't know
what's gotten into Schotzie.

He's so hungry, he went through
three cans of food.

Didn't you, Schotzie?
Yes, I did!

(Giggling)

Hey, Bob, hand me
that remote there, will ya?

No, thanks, Red.
I'd have to buckle my belt.

Well, buckle your belt anyway.
No one wants to see that.

Oh, not again!

There we go.
(Grunts)

What the hell?

Oh, crap!

That's it.
That damn dog's gotta go!

I think he just went, Red.
(Cackling)

- Are you laughin', Bob?
- Your bottom's all wet.

That's just plain funny in my book.

Well, he can't stay.
He's makin' everyone miserable.

I don't know. Kitty's seemed pretty
darn happy the past couple of days.

- Yeah, well-
- Look, Red. You did a nice thing.

Don't spoil it by,
you know, being yourself.

I guess if the incontinent little bastard
makes Kitty happy...

I'll put up with it.

What the hell?
I've never been that happy anyway.

At least, not since I've known you.

Yeah.
Weird coincidence, huh?

Okay. Look, you.

I've been thinking about all
your conspiracy mumbo jumbo...

about presents and diamonds
and buying me stuff.

And I realized that all your paranoid,
delusional crap about romance...

is just a cover-up
for you being cheap!

Okay, first of all, it's not paranoid,
delusional crap.

Advertisers spend billions to make you
think I'm a jerk if I don't buy you jewelry.

And second of all, you're right.
I am cheap.

Well, you'd better quit it.
Because I like to get stuff...

especially shiny stuff.

Would you settle for a cheeseburger
wrapped in tinfoil?

Well, for you I will.
But just know...

that I'm really
lowering my standards.

That makes two of us.

Come on.

So? Huh?

This is romantic, huh?

It's a little more romantic
in the summer...

or any time not below freezing.

- So what am I getting?
- What are you getting?

What... are you...
getting?

This is what you're gettin'.

- A candy bar?
- Well, half a candy bar.

I figured, uh, you know,
we could share it under the stars.

What a delightful...

moonlit snack.

Okay, you're being weird,
and it's freezing out here.

Aw, come on.
It's not that cold.

- Uhh.
- (Chuckles)

- Eric, why are we up here?
- Okay, I'm sorry, Donna.

I had something that I was gonna give you,
but I realized it was stupid.

Or everyone said it was stupid,
so I just decided against it.

- Well, what was it?
- It was nothing.

Well, it was something.

I mean, I can see
that it was something.

- Just tell me.
- Okay, fine.

I was gonna give you this.

- Oh, my God. Is that a-
- Yeah.

Yeah.
It's stupid, right?

- Yeah.
- (Chuckles)

And... no.

I don't know.

What would you have done with it?

Well, I don't know.
I guess I would have...

told you how beautiful you are...

and that...

you mean everything to me.

And then...

I would've gone down on one knee...

you know, like this.

And I would've taken your hand...

and taken the ring-

Go ahead.

and I would have put the ring
on your finger...

like this.

Wow.

So, uh-

So, I'll tell you what. Uh, why don't
I just hold on to that until...

you know,
until the real moment comes.

Oh, sure.

Or I could hold on to it.

- You could?
- Yeah.

Eric, I love you, and...

I wanna be with you forever.

Yes.

That's what I told everyone...

and... they made me wear
the stupid helmet.

So, um...

- did we just get-
- I think we did.

Donna, I love you.

- We are so stupid!
- I know, right?

Oh, hey. Here comes your dad.
Put the ring in your pocket.

- Why? He'll be happy for us!
- Oh, yeah?

Hey, Mr. Pinciotti,
what would you do if I, say...

- made a long-term commitment to your daughter?
- Oh, I'd kill ya.

You know what?
A secret engagement is even more romantic.

And... more stupid.