That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 3 - What Is and What Should Never Be - full transcript

Whatever.
Whatever.

(Scoffs)
Yeah, like I care.

All right. I'll talk
to you later, Jackie.

Ew. Do you mind not getting
all gooey and romantic...

when I'm about to eat my breakfast?

What crawled up your butt?

You and Jackie.

Then you started
making out in there.

Hey! No more butt talk at breakfast.

Look, if you're not gonna
break up with Jackie...

then you have to tell Kelso, okay?



- It's like the ethical thing to do.
- Thank you, Johnny Cub Scout.

What are you gonna do, take away
my friendship merit badge?

No, because Cub Scouts
are awarded achievement beads.

Badges.
(Chuckles)

- So, anybody hungry?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, that sounds good.
- Starved!

Ladies first.

Or ladies only.

Oh, well, um-
well, it's not all for me.

I'm eating for two now.

- (Red, Hyde, Eric) What?
- I'm pregnant.

Oh, God. No!

I mean, great.

(Rock Group Singing)



(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Kitty, are you sure
you're-you're pregnant?

Maybe you're just
puttin' on your winter weight.

Red, a woman knows.

Not to mention I'm late.
And not for work.

For my menstrual cycle.
Hooray!

That is great news, Mrs. Forman.

Now, you stay away
from those smokes.

If you smoke when you're pregnant,
they come out all spindly.

Shut up.

Mom, congratulations.
This is awesome.

Please, love me the most.

Well, you're sure
being quiet over there, Red.

I'm... soaking in the moment.

Okay. I-I know this is unexpected...

but I just think it's gonna bring us
so much happiness, don't you?

Sure.

You know how much I love babies.

(Laughing)
Oh, what a day. I am so happy.

I'm just-
I'm just gonna go throw up.

I just don't understand
how this could have happened.

Hmm. Maybe it's about time
we had "the talk."

You see, when a boy
loves a girl-

- Doesn't have to love her.
- That's true.

"Anyhoo,"
the boy's sexual organ-

Hey!

Shut it, dumb-ass.

Wow. That kid's gonna love it here.

I can't believe
they're having a baby.

I can't believe they're still
having sex.

I mean, my Dad's back goes out if you
look at him wrong.

- That's why she was probably on top.
- Thanks.

Thanks, Hyde.
You just killed a part of me.

Yeah. That's why you got
to put on your raincoat...

every damn time.

Well, except for the first time.
Free pass!

No, Kelso, that's just a myth.

You're only safe if you do it underwater.
Right, Hyde?

That's right, buddy.

Oops.
Oh, a little help, Donna.

- Sure.
- Oh, nice!

Catch this, tool!

- What was that for?
- You keep dropping the ball.

Well, so I'm a butterfingers.
Isn't that punishment enough?

Now look. The ball's all the way
over there in the backyard.

Little help, Donna.
(Groans)

God! Fine, I'll get it. God!

Hey, Steven.
I had fun last night.

- You had fun doing what?
- Huh? Hey, Michael.

Um, I went to the movies.
Right, Donna?

Oh, um, I don't know.
I was with Eric all night.

But I'm really interested
in this movie.

Why don't you tell us
all about it?

Donna?

Fine.

You know, it's that new movie
starring that big, red whore.

Oh, you mean, the one where the big,
red whore is sick of people keeping secrets.

No. No, no. The one where the big, red whore
keeps sticking her big, red nose...

in places where it
doesn't belong.

Hey. Watch what you say
about the big, red whore.

Thank you, Eric. What did Sissy Spacek
ever do to any of you?

Way to go, guys.
You know how he feels about Sissy!

Fez, wait!

Donna, what is with you?

Look, I'm sick of covering
for your creepy, unnatural relationship.

And I shouldn't have to.

I mean, Hyde, you and Kelso have been friends
forever, and you owe it to him to tell him.

Yeah, this is way worse than when you stole
his headgear and used it to clean out your sink.

It's tough love, man.

You know what?
Forget it.

You obviously don't care about Kelso
or any of the rest of us.

Yeah, 'cause when this blows up,
guess what. We're all screwed.

Steven, do you really think
we're a creepy, unnatural couple?

Come on.
That's a crazy question.

I mean, if this relationship wasn't just
a little bit creepy and unnatural...

I wouldn't be in it.

Oh, Eric, look.

Your little, pink baby sweater.

Oh, oh, and the matching
pink bonnet.

Um, had they explained
to you yet that I was a boy?

Oh, I am just
so excited about this baby.

Well, yeah.
You should be.

And Dad should be too.
What's with him anyway?

Oh, no. That's just his way.
He'll be fine.

When I first told him
about you...

he said, "Oh, crap!"
and stormed out.

But then he came back
happy as a clam.

And then, of course, when you got older,
he got mad again...

on account of you
not being so very good at sports.

Don't worry about your father.

He'll come around.
He always does.

My "banky-boo"!

Hey, Forman.

So I've decided I'm gonna tell Kelso
about me and Jackie.

Well, well. I'm glad you finally decided
to listen to your conscience.

It's not my conscience, man,
'cause I don't have a conscience.

You know that.
It's just 'cause, you know...

I figured me and Jackie might be
together a little while, so-

But, man, she's the devil.

What can I do?
She's hot.

No, you only think she's hot...

because she's made of hellfire.

All right. What if you were stranded
on a desert island with her?

(Sighs)
Murder-suicide.

Okay.

PictureJackie in a little bikini
made out of coconuts.

Where's our signal fire?

And don't give me any,
"Oh, boo-hoo, my hands are bleeding."

Suck it up.

Aw, damn, I got a splinter.

You couldn't grab the tweezers
as the ship was going down?

(Scoffs)
Moron.

Well, that was unpleasant.

Okay. Try it again.

But this time do what I do.

(No Audible Dialogue)

Good God, she is hot.

Hey, guys.
What you talkin' about?

(Hyde, Eric)
Indy 500.

- Nice.
- All right.

Hey, can one of you guys give me a ride
to the D.M.V. tomorrow?

- I lost my license in California.
- Sure, Hyde'll take you.

- What?
- Yeah. It will give you two a chance to catch up.

He can tell you how he spent
his summer break.

Yeah.
All right.

- So what happened to your license, man?
- Oh, a shark ate it.

Really?

How?

Fine. I lost it.
You happy now!

Oh, here you are.
How ya feeling?

Better?
I bet you're feeling better.

I'm fine.

Is that liquor on your breath?

What is the matter with you, Red?

Well-

You know-
I mean-

It's just-

I'm not sellin' the Corvette!

- What?
- Kids are expensive.

That's gonna be
the first thing to go.

I waited 25 years to have
that car because we had kids.

And believe me, I love them.

But this is supposed to be our time.

Kitty, people our age don't have kids.
They have grandkids.

Well, we're having a kid,
so deal with it.

Well, I'm having a Corvette,
so deal with that!

Ooh, a staring contest.
I got winner.

Okay, Mr. Red, it looks like
it's just you and me.

Still the king.

And here I am ecstatic, and Red comes home
babbling about his precious Corvette.

Well, I'll tell you something.

I may be the one who's pregnant,
but I did not get that way by myself.

He's the one who
wouldn't go to sleep.

You know, Mrs. Forman, there are other ways
of dealing with that.

I mean, have you tried telling him
you just like him as a friend?

You're carrying Red's baby.
He should be kissing your ass.

God! Why are men such jerks? Huh?

Tell me.

Well, I just came in here
for the ice cream...

so I'm just gonna make mine to go.

Men plant their seed
and think their work is done.

But women have a being
growing inside of us...

the size of a wine jug.

It's got to come out somehow.

Oh, oh, oh. It's like that
nature show, you know...

where the snake eats an antelope in one bite,
and you're thinking, "Impossible."

And then it-it-it
unhinges its jaw, and in it goes.

Well, giving birth is just like that,
only the other direction.

And I need your father there,
holding my hand and telling me it's okay...

because I can't swallow
an antelope alone.

No, you can't.
And no woman should have to.

That bastard.

(Chattering)

Ah, we've been here for, like, an hour.
We've only moved, like, two feet.

You think the lines
at the D.M.V. are long?

You should see the free clinic.

Now, there's a wait.

Man, you've been to the free clinic?

No.

Oh, but I did see your mom there.

Burn!

(Groans)

(Chuckles)
That's gonna leave a mark.

Just like your mom did!

Come on.
Move it! Damn!

Gentlemen, I'm sorry you
had to see my dark side.

Please excuse me.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Ta-ta.

(Clears Throat)

Look, man, I got to talk to you
about some things...

that happened while
you were gone this summer.

Hyde, if this is about
free ice cream, naked volleyball...

or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses,
I'd rather not even know.

No, it's aboutJackie.

What aboutJackie?

She was with someone,
I knew it. Damn it!

Well, you know, you guys are broken up,
so who cares, right?

We're not-
I don't care. It's just-

I mean, she was
a big part of my life...

and I just hate the thought of her
being off with some random guy.

Well, what if I told you
it was with a friend?

Would that make it better?

No.

That would make it worse, stupid.

Aw, you're messing with me.

Okay, 'cause I-
A friend would never do that.

Aw, man.
Hyde, you got me again.

Just like I got your mom!
(Laughing)

What is with the hitting?

Guys?

I love this place.
I want to work here.

You just said you hated it.

Yeah, but I went up to the counter,
and the guy treated me like crap.

But he was treating everybody like crap-
poor, rich, black, white.

We're all crap.

And look at him.

Think he was popular in high school?

No way.
But now... he's the belle of the ball.

Well, my friends, it's my turn
to get a taste of those balls.

Hey. I was just inside with Mom
and she's really upset.

I just want to know-
What's your problem?

You made me bald.

- What?
- Five generations-

not one bald head in my family.

Then you came along, and-
Well, look at it.

Children make me bald.

You know what?
Wear a hat.

'Cause Mom is really scared...

and she could really use
a little damn support right now.

And I don't usually
tell you what to do...

'cause you usually do the right thing,
but this time you didn't.

You know how you're always telling me
to be a man? Well, be a man!

I made you bald?
You made me skinny!

Oh, hey. How'd it go at the D.M.V.?
Did you tell Kelso?

Nah, I blew it off.

What? Why?

I don't know.
It's just really hot in there.

Really? 'Cause I think
you chickened out.

No, I didn't chicken out, man.

I just didn't want to drop the news
in front of all those people, you know?

I mean, haven't I done
enough to the guy?

So you felt bad?

Oh, my God, you felt bad!

No, I don't feel bad.
I don't feel anything.

I don't know. I think someone's
been to Oz and gotten himself a heart.

- Shut up, Forman.
- Yeah, Eric.

Maybe we should lay off.
He's had a rough day.

- Aw.
- I really want to lay off...

but it's just so hot in here.

Get bent!

- (Door Closes)
- He felt bad.

- I think we really got through to him.
- Yeah.

- He's not gonna tell Kelso.
- No.

Oh. So you're hiding out here.

Got a call for some man
about a Corvette.

What, you gonna buy another one so you can
ride 'em around like a couple of water skis?

- I'm selling the Corvette.
- What?

Look, could we finish this later?

I'm kind of in the middle
of something.

Is that Eric's old cradle?

Yeah, well, uh, the paint was
all chipped off...

and I kind
of remember that, uh-

that they liked
sleepin' in this thing...

when they weren't peein' and poopin'
all over the place.

Oh, Red.
That is so sweet.

Yeah, well...

it might be fun.

Hell, this time
we might even get an athlete.

Oh!

- Hey.
- Hey.

So did you tell Michael yet?

Oh, yeah, well, I was gonna,
but, um, you know...

the... timing just
didn't seem right.

Oh, I-I understand.

I mean, it's kind of like-
it's kind of like setting your hair.

If you don't wait long enough, then it's
totally flat and- (Scoffs) like Donna's.

But if you wait just the right amount of time,
then it's perfect...

like mine.

Steven, are you even
listening to me?

God help me, I am.

Steven.

So that's what an adulteress is.

I always thought
that it was a tiny adult.

Hey, uh- Hey, buddy, what do you say we
take this party back to the living room, huh?

Um, yeah, that's a good idea.

No, but I want
a peanut butter and banana-

(Chuckling)

Why is Hyde kissin'Jackie?

What the hell?

He's dead.

They have a lot of questions
in the D.M.V. application.

Let's see.
"Sex"?

Please.
(Giggles)

Lots.

"Address"?

If I must, but I prefer pants.

"State"?

Nervous but excited.

"Mother's maiden name"?

Streisand, but she
won't acknowledge me.