That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 2 - I Can't Quit You Babe - full transcript

Of all the dumb-ass stunts
you kids ever pulled...

this little California adventure
takes the dumb-ass cake!

We are very disappointed
in you, Eric.

Even though going to California
to rescue Donna...

is one of the most romantic
things I've ever heard of.

That's true. If he had gone by horse,
they would have made it a movie.

Look, Mr. Forman...

before you get all...
scary and pink...

I just want to say that...

running away to California
was completely selfish and immature.

And, as for me, as long as I live
under your roof and eat your food...



I should be
doing things your way.

What a load of crap!

You two are not above the law.

Now, Eric, hand over the keys
to the Vista Cruiser.

What? Dad, no.

The Cruiser's my Batmobile.

Without it,
I'm just a guy in a silly outfit.

Now, Eric.

A little time apart will
do you kids some good.

So, Donna, I transferred you
to the Catholic high school-

Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

- What?
- That's right. You're starting this week...

so you better get out
your Bible and brush up...

on your Ten Commandments
and that thing about the dwarfs.



(Fez Singing)

(Continues)

- What the hell?
- Fez!

(Ends)

Wait a second.

You two look sweaty and guilty.

Have you been eating my candy?

- What candy?
- I didn't say "candy."

And I certainly don't have
any candy hidden in the garage.

(Monotone)
I will be in the garage.

Oh, God. Steven,
that was way too close.

You need to learn to keep
your hands off me.

Me? You're the one who can't
keep her tongue to herself.

Please. I let you fool around with me
out of pity.

You know what your problem is?
You're really cute...

so no one ever told you
to shut your piehole.

You think I'm cute?

Shut your piehole!

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

- (Door Opens)
- (Footsteps)

(Kelso)
Oh, Catholic school?

That's rough.

- Yeah, my dad took away my slingshot-
- (TVTheme Music)

so I'm feeling it pretty bad too.

What were you guys doing?

Uh, we're just watching, uh-

This old lady's eatin' a fish.

Look, Jackie...

we've been avoiding each other.

I think it's time we hash
this thing out.

It's okay. I'm good.

I can see you're devastated
over losing me.

You know what, Michael?
I'm fine. Really.

You sound brave.

But inside
you're a scrambled mess.

Just remember this.
I'll always be there for you...

in case you have
any physical needs, all right?

(Groans)

Damn, Hyde.
What was that for?

I just missed you, man.

Wait. Donna, you're actually
gonna go to Catholic school?

Not just Catholic school-

Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow.

That means "sad forever."

Eric, we're never even
gonna see each other.

Yeah, I know.
And I can't even drive you to school.

And we can forget about
any lunchtime hokey-pokey.

That's what it's all about.

Man, it sucks not having a car.

Well, I'm gonna go drive mine.

- Catch you guys later.
- Wait, wait, Steven. Where are you going?

- What do you care?
- I don't.

- (Door Closes)
- Um...

you know, I just remembered...

that I have to go to the mall...

because they're having this
big Monday Madness sale.

Jackie? It's Tuesday.

See? Total madness!

Poor kid, trying to replace me with shopping.
(Scoffs)

Eric, what are we gonna do?

I mean, if I go to this school,
our senior year is ruined.

I mean, we're not even
gonna graduate together.

You know what? Bob is not sending you
to that Catholic school.

Now we're gonna sit down,
we're gonna figure out what we're gonna do.

Guys? Let's get serious.

(Stereo: Rock)

It's simple.

I'm gonna march over there
and talk to Bob.

I love a good march.

My birthday is in March.

And then it's on to April.

April showers.

Oh! The Seduction
of Eric Forman...

starring in the insatiable
April Showers.

Are you really gonna
go talk to my dad for me?

Eric, you're so sweet
and brave.

Pound for pound, you're like the bravest guy
in the whole world.

I love you so much!

Well, my candy is safe.

But something was up
with Jackie.

She looked scared- like a deer
in the headlights with his pants down.

Man, I feel sorry forJackie.

I mean, to have to look at this all day
and not be able to touch it?

I can't even do that!

- I love you.
- I love you more.

Sexy.

Hey! You two quit it!
Okay? This circle is sacred.

You don't do anything in here
that you wouldn't do in a church!

No, wait.
In a cemetery.

Wait.
In the teachers' lounge.

Man, I've done it
everywhere.

- (Stereo: Pop)
- Okay. This is my Michael box.

I saved everything
that loser ever gave me.

Hmm.
One-year anniversary.

What a moron!

Well, you know, I guess
Kelso's really history for you.

I never thought that'd happen
till you met someone else.

You met someone else!

(Scoffs)
What?

Someone else? That's crazy!

You're crazy.

Shut your piehole!

- (Can Tab Pops)
- Hey, check it out.

I was at the bakery, and this crumb cake
came fresh out of the oven.

And when I think crumb cake,
I think Bob.

Uh-huh.
What do you want?

I want to talk to you about Donna
and that Catholic school.

Crumb cake isn't gonna
get me to change my mind.

Are you sure?
(Sniffs)

Those are real crumbs.

She's going to that school,
and that's final.

Okay. Fine.

But know this. I am prepared to fight this
with every fiber of my being.

(Choir Singing)

(Ends)

On the other hand...

you-you can't put a price
on a good education.

I can't believe they're making you wear
those knee-high socks every day.

- (Mouths Word)
- (Door Opens)

What the hell?

Oh, my God!

I'm blind!

- Jackie!
- Get off me!

Great outfit!

Okay, so, um,
what exactly did you see?

Hands, tongues.

Yours, his.
It was horrible!

You were like Siamese twins
joined at the beard.

Hey, it was her fault, man.
She threw herself at me.

No, no.
You were on top of me.

You pulled me.

I've done a lot of partying,
so, you know...

my balance is off.

This is impossible.
You two hate each other.

- Kelso is gonna freak out!
- (Gasps) Kelso!

Settle down, Esmeralda.

Kelso doesn't need
to know about this.

Yeah, look, it's just a meaningless fling, okay?
We can stop whenever we want.

- Well, then maybe you should.
- Why do you even care?

Because you're breaking up
the band, Yoko!

(Footsteps)

Well, naughty ladies wear plaid.

Fez, please.

That's right.
Beg for it, sexy schoolgirl.

Fez, we just caught
these two Frenching...

like a couple of French people
at a Frenching festival.

What? That's impossible.
You two hate each other.

I said-
I just said that.

Okay, you are gonna tell us
how this happened right now.

Ooh, I like it when you
order me around in that uniform.

Okay, fine.
Look, I'll just tell you what happened.

It was a few weeks
after Donna and Michael left...

and Steven invited me over
to listen to a new record.

I'm glad you're here.

Check it out.

(Women Singing Disco)

Isn't it the coolest?

Don't you just wanna shake it?

- (Needle Scratches Record)
- (Hyde) Wait. Time out on the fiield.

I don't shake it,
and I don't listen to ABBA.

Whatever. It's my story.
Anyway-

(Resumes)

(Jackie) I could totally tell
he was trying to make a move.

Then he held me real close
and said-

May I kiss you, milady?

(Ends)

Hyde, I had no idea
you could be so formal.

Come on.
She's so full of crap.

Then why don't you tell us
what really happened, milady?

Fine. Fine, okay?

So I'm hanging out in the basement
like I usually do...

when Jackie showed up.

- It was obvious she wanted me.
- I want you.

That's obvious.

God, that's crazy.

No, you so came on
to me first.

You said that you
didn't have a new boyfriend.

- He is not my boyfriend.
- I'm not her boyfriend. They just don't get it.

No. Why would they?

Let's go, baby.

I'm leaving too.

This basement's
tainted for me now.

Well, I still want to know
how the hell all this happened.

- (Crowd Cheering)
- (Game Show Theme)

Another old lady.

She can't even reach the wheel!

I can't watch The Price is Right again.
I just can't.

(Bell Dings)

- God, the summer totally sucks.
- (Bell Dings)

- There's nothing to do.
- (Crowd Cheering)

- (Bell Dings)
- (Crowd Cheering)

(Bell Dinging)

(Woman On TV)
I bid one dollar, Bob.

(Crowd Booing)

(Bell Dinging)

Hey. I'm gonna take
Donna to school.

Oh! That's right.

Dad took away my car when I did
that really super-romantic thing.

Well, I guess we were
only reunited just to be...

ripped apart again.

Like Romeo and Juliet.

You know...

why don't you take
the car this one time?

It'll be our little secret.

- (Whispering) Okay.
- (Whispering) Okay. Shh!

Where do you think
you're going?

Mom said I could.

- (Keys Jingle)
- You just bought yourself another week, kiddo.

Look, Dad, I need my car.

Don't you remember when
you were in high school?

I bet you had
some good times...

driving around senior year
with your friends.

My senior year,
I was driving a gunboat around Okinawa.

And if you count
theJapanese snipers as my friends...

then, yes,
I had some good times.

You have to understand,
Eric.

It's not that your father's
trying to be a bad guy.

It's just that he's been
irreparably damaged by war.

I'm just sick of you doing
whatever the hell you want.

Your father and I feel that you're not
taking yourself seriously.

- Hmm.
- (Choir Vocalizing)

You are such
a talented young man.

(Continues)

- (Ends)
- Eric!

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Forget about the car.
I gotta go.

Oh, look how cute
in her little uniform!

I'm gonna have to lock him in his room
and poke his eyes out.

- (Stereo: Rock)
- Here's what I don't get about Fantasy Island.

You know when you get off the plane,
and you see Mr. Roarke...

and that little kid
in the white suit?

Well, if it's me, I'm like,
"This is creepy," right?

So I just grab
a free daiquiri...

and I'm out of there.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

(Sighs)
Grow up. It's just a uniform.

- Sorry.
- You're right. I'm sorry.

Oh!

(Laughing)
Oh!

Man, that was totally
worth waiting for.

- I agree. Now we can go.
- (Kelso Laughs)

How was your first day?

Grim. This nun totally
spanked me with a ruler.

Yet another reason
I wish I was a ruler.

(Clears Throat)

(Door Closes)

- Wait a minute!
- Weird!

Okay. Now you guys
are sitting together?

Oh, my God.
You guys aren't just fooling around.

You care about her.

I do not.
She sickens me.

No. No, no. I'm the one
who's sickened, okay?

I'm not supposed to be seen
with scruffy guys like you.

I date guys I can take out
in public.

Yet you continue
with this abomination!

You know, you guys
have to tell Kelso.

Or we'll tell Kelso.
Shall we?

Wait. No, no, no.
Okay, guys. Look.

What if we just
break it off right now?

- Then he never has to know.
- Really?

Look, there's nothing to even break off,
so it's fine by me.

Yes.
This is what I want to hear.

It'll be like it never happened.

Donna, come.
Let us leave this unholy thing behind.

(Door Closes)

Steven, do I really sicken you?

No.

I sicken me because you're supposed
to sicken me, but you don't.

Well, I feel the same way.

I mean, I like
how scruffy you are.

Of course you do.

Man, you know what? Screw it.
Let's just do what we want, okay?

- Okay. What about Michael?
- Details, baby. Details.

So, uh, how's that uniform
working out for you?

Stop!

Do you- Do you feel like a good girl
that just can't help being bad?

Be bad, Donna.
(Whispering) I won't tell.

Eric, it's not funny.

I actually have to go
to this school every day now.

Without-Without you.

Okay, so, you know what?

We'll see each other nights
and weekends...

and I'll come visit you at school.

I mean, I still have a bike.

Eric, it's, like, 10 miles away.

Ten- So what?
These legs were made for pedalin'.

Come on.

- You've seen my thighs.
- Yeah.

You're a good boyfriend.

"You're a good boyfriend" who?

I'm not calling you
Principal Forman.

Don't make me get
the ruler, young lady.

Red can take Eric's car,
but he can have my car candy...

when he pries it from
my cold, dead fingers.

- You were right. Ten miles is nothing.
- (Panting)

(Chuckles) Will you pick me up
from school every day?

Sure.

(Panting)

Uh, which-which arm hurts
when you're about to have a heart attack?

Help!