That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 1 - Going to California - full transcript

( Phone Ringing )

Hello?
Donna, it's you!

How's California?

Have you run into
Johnny Carson yet?

No. I read
he won't eat corn.

What? Oh, Eric. Oh. No. No.
I know he wants to talk to you.

He hasn't heard from you
all summer. I'll get him.

Eric! Ow!

Eric. Eric, are you
in the bathroom?

( Eric )
Yes.

- Well, get off, because-
- Mom? Mom.



When this door is closed,
it's my sacred alone time.

Okay?
Think of it as church.

- But, I-
- Mom.!

Fine.

Gets up at noon,
sits on the toilet until dinner-

What kind of summer
is that?

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Well, you made me lose
my concentration.

Now I'm gonna have to go
back there in about an hour.

I just wanted to tell you
Donna called.

Her number's on the pad
by the kitchen phone.

What?



Why wouldn't you
say something?

And I'm staying out of this,
but if you'd eat a little bran...

you could've taken
that call yourself.

( Whistling )

- Where's the notepad?
- Here.

Quit twitchin'.

What? There's no number.
Dad.

( Whistling Continues )

Step away
from the vehicle.

Isn't it a little early
for you to be hopped up?

- Empty your pockets, now.
- Get the hell out of my pants!

Got it.

What the hell
is wrong with him?

He has low self-esteem
because you are too domineering.

Red, you're gonna let Forman
get away with that, man?

He just felt you up.

Where's the foot in the ass?

- Unless you're getting too old.
- Shut it.

And go shave that thing.

You look like
a damn Hungarian.

- ( Stereo: Rock )
- It's ringing.

- ( Singsongy ) It's ringing.
-( Line Ringing )

Oh, my God,
it's ringing.

And Eric chickens out again.

Quack, quack, quack.

Forman, what's the problem?

It's just-

I want to tell her to come home,
that I miss her...

that... I love her.

I mean, it's too much
to say over the phone.

Look, Eric,
just write her a letter.

That's how I broke up
with Michael.

Yeah. I was able
to take my time...

and come up with
good synonyms for...

''cowardly,
won't-marry-me loser...

run-away-to-California
jackass.''

Jackie, I'm charismatic
in person.

I've got these
awesome hand gestures.

And, uh, I kind of, like, waggle
my eyebrows when I talk.

Wait. You do that
on purpose?

Thanks, you guys.
That's-That's helpful.

( Continues )

You know what?
That's it. I'm going.

I'll just show up in California
and, like, blow her mind.

Yeah. I mean...

when the Empire killed Luke Skywalker's
aunt and uncle, did he just call 'em up?

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

No. He hopped on
the Millennium Falcon...

and he paid a little visit
to the Death Star.

Wait a minute.

Do chickens go quack,
or did I mess that up?

I sat at my mom's house
for three hours.

Eric still hasn't called.

Hey, you know what might
make you feel better?

Playing pinball...
over there.

I don't have any quarters.

Hey, Kelso.
You know what might help me?

If you could tell me
how you got overJackie.

You rememberJackie,
don't you?

- Who's Jackie?
- Uh...

Jackie was my dog.

She died in
a Big Wheel accident.

No, Annette.
I meantJackie, his ex-girlfriend.

Uh, also dead.

- She's not dead.
- What's going on here?

- Why are you lying to me?
- No, no. I'm not lying,Jackie-

Annette.
Look, baby.

Well, my work here is done.

You want to go
to California to get Donna?

You can't go to California.

But I have to tell Donna
I love her...

and that she should be
back here with me.

Oh. Well, that's sweet.

I think it would sound
especially good on the phone.

But don't call till after 7:00
when the rates go down.

Well, I can't call her.
I mean...

- did Luke Skywalker-
- Oh. Would you stop.

Luke Skywalker this.
Luke Skywalker that.

I'm sick of hearing
about that little fruit.

Luke Skywalker is not-

He and Leia clearly- I-

Mom, Dad.

- This is important.
- ( Red ) No.

No California.

You know what's important?
School.

You're gonna be a senior,
and you need to buckle down.

Luke Skywalker
would've buckled down.

Forman, there's a flight to California
in four hours, and you're on it.

Before you get all gushy,
we didn't pay for it.

We stole the money
from your secret stash...

in the Scooby-Doo thermos.

You guys know
about Scooby-Doo?

It was a good try,
but you should have known...

that eventually I would need
to take some cocoa on the go.

Well, thanks, you guys...

but... my parents will kill me.

- No, Eric. We'll cover for you.
- Yeah. Believe me.

I got no problem
foolin' whitey.

Hyde, you're white.

( Scoffs )
Barely.

Eric, if you love her,
you have to go.

You're right.
I'm gonna do this.

Damn it, I'm goin'.
I gotta go pack.

Hey, let me help.
I love putting together outfits.

- Finally.
- Yeah. I thought they'd never leave.

You know, Steven, it was really nice
of you to get that ticket for Eric.

This usually works a whole lot better
when you don't talk.

Look, Annette.

You're way more important to me
than Jackie ever was.

I mean, you're blonde.
You're beautiful.

You practically never
wear a whole shirt.

I'm sorry. It's just the thought
of you with somebody else...

got me really upset.

I'm really upset.

Which is why I propose...

that we do something
special and romantic.

Let's do it.

Michael, I don't do that.

- I'm a virgin.
- What?

A coincidence.

Me too.

So let's do it.
First-timers, yeah.

You know what?
I'm gonna go cool off.

- Kelso-
- Ah-ah, one second.

She's coolin' off.

Look. I was wondering if you and Annette
could maybe discuss your plans...

to do it or not do it
when I'm not around.

But you're never not around.
You're always here.

You're like a carbuncle.

Kelso, you don't even know
what a carbuncle is.

Well, I know it's gross,
and it doesn't go away.

Okay. I'm sorry.
It's just...

I don't know anybody else.

California people are freaks.

Like that guy.
You can't smoke that out here!

I miss Eric.

That guy even
looks like Eric.

Oh, my God.
Eric!

Donna!

Kelso, what the hell
are you doing?

Winning.

I oughta-

I- I can't believe
you came here for me.

Of course I did.

Donna, I love you.

And I have so much to say, but I-

You guys can French all you want.
I totally won.

- Hey, Red.
- Good day, Mr. Red.

Wait a minute.
Where's the other idiot?

Other idiot?

Do we know another idiot?

- Where's Eric?
- Where's Eric?

Where are you, man,
and who wants to know?

The U.S. government,
that's who.

Like, I read by 1 984, the government
will have tracking devices on all of us.

And after that, they're gonna
jam electrodes in our brains...

so they can read our memories.

Damn U.S. government.

''Damn U.S. government''?

Without our government,
you'd be stuck in Siberia now...

suckin' the juice
from a rotten commie potato.

Let me tell you something.

If the U.S. government...

decides to stick
a tracking device up your ass...

you say, ''Thank you...

and God bless America.''

He's so easy.

And then after Michael
threw up, I told him...

''You're not supposed to eat
the plastic wrapping.''

And that's how we met.

Wow. That's-

That's like Love Story.

Wow. I wish there was
more to talk about.

Bye.

Would you look at her.

She's so hot,
she could be a robot.

''A robot''?

Whatever. Look.

You have the van,
and we want to go home.

No. Uh-uh.
I can't leave Annette. I love her.

You don't love her.

I love parts of her.

I mean, unlikeJackie,
she believes in me.

Okay. I told Annette
I wanted to be an astronaut...

and she said that
she thought I could.

To be fair, she wants
to be a lady astronaut.

I mean, come on, guys.
Just give me a few hours. Okay?

If- Look. This girl is beautiful,
and she believes in me.

And if I can get her to put out,
she'll be three out of three.

Right now, she's only
two out of three.

And I'm sorry, but 50%
just ain't gonna cut it.

Okay. Look, Steven.
These last few weeks with you...

have been really dirty
and really wrong.

Jackie, talking is for people
who have something in common.

Oh, good God.

You kids switch partners
more than square dancers.

Uh, no. It's not what you think.
We're not together.

Then what's going on
in my kitchen?

Um...

Eric's in California.

Jackie, you just
totally burned Forman.

That was so badass.

So, Annette,
I'm just saying...

that I'm leaving
in a couple hours.

So I guess the question is...

what, oh, what can two virgins do
to kill an afternoon?

Well, there is something.

But it's kind of wet and dirty.

Sold!

Having fun?

No. I mean, these are
our last hours together...

and you're not nude.

So all you care about is sex?

I thought there was
more to you than that.

But there isn't.

But there is.
I believe in you.

- Stop saying that.
- But I do.

Damn. All right.
Start digging the moat.

( Waves Crashing )

I was so scared that I'd never feel
like this with you again.

I mean...

Eric, after last year-

- Donna.
- I-

About Casey and all that stuff?

I don't care. Okay?

I just want to be with you.

You know, all summer
I hated California.

But now that you're here,
it's, like, amazing.

This is the most romantic night
of my whole life.

Yeah, I know.
Me too.

I have sand in my crack.

- Yeah, me too.
- Oh.

Eric, I want to go home.

( Eric Chuckles )

Hey, Kelso.
How was your date with Annette?

We went to a carnival.

I won her six stuffed animals.

Then we shared a giant pretzel.

And then I walked her home,
and she gave me a good-night kiss...

on the cheek.

You know, in Wisconsin...

if you win a girl
a giant purple rhinoceros...

she puts out!

( Pops )

( Engine Rewing )

( Horn Honks )

So, my folks have
no idea I was gone.

- No idea. You're golden.
- Ah.

- Oh. Hyde!
- Hey.

You got a beard!

You look so... old.

Of course I look old, man.
Party more than you.

Work more, drank more,
and slept with way more chicks.

I'm exhausted, man.

Fez, my little man!

How was your summer?

Well, I saw a boob and a half
down by the pool.

Yeah.
Pool boob. Nice.

Look. Donna,
I know you're nervous...

about seeing people at school
after running away and all...

but I want you to know
it's all under control.

I told everyone you went
away to have a baby.

- What?
- Yeah. It was badass.

Oh, yeah.
I say badass now.

Hi, Daddy.

Don't you ''Daddy'' me.

Although it does sound good
to hear those words again.

- Bob.
- Right.

You're in big trouble, young lady.

Now get home now.
Move.

Well...

I guess that's what happens when you,
uh, disobey your parents, huh?

Hey, why the long faces?

Did you think that I-
No, no.

Funny story. True story.
I'm walkin' home from the library...

and who should drive by?

Kelso and Donna.

Back from California.

Where they were.
Not me.

Oh, hey?
They know.

What do you have
to say for yourself?

I-

I brought you a seashell.

Just get in the house.

( Mock Sobbing )

Do you have any idea
how much trouble you're in?

Oh, yeah.
And it was worth it.

- ( Car Chase On TV)
- Oh, not this again.

I told you,
it gives me needs.

Fine.
We'll be upstairs.

Too late.

- Why are we watching this? It's stupid.
- You're stupid.

Man, I've been gone all summer...

and I get back,
and everything is just the same.

I guess nothing ever
changes around here.