That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 27 - Love, Wisconsin Style - full transcript
Jackie finds a way to make up with Michael Kelso who dumped her: he may kiss another girl; Jackie reserves choosing her 'rival'; when she finally leaves the choice to him, his is surprisingly romantic, and yet... Eric is delighted to catch Donna drunk as a skunk in bright daylight because of Casey; Bob is a walkover who lets her get away with everything, regardless of Joanne, but when it gets too gross Red steps in, and Casey seizes the opportunity to dump her, publicly. Just now she comes crawling back, Eric's pointless pride makes him refuse to be her 'second choice'; before he comes to his dumb ass senses (even Kitty uses the term) she decides to emigrate to California, where her ma lives. Afraid that Jackie might enforce her 'way out', marriage because she says so, Michael decides to drive Donna all the way; the long road proves tormentingly fishy, as Hyde had first dragged Fez along stealing dead fish and then decided to hide it in one of Kelso's van's wheel caps.
So, Mr. Hammond said it was fine for me to
miss class 'cause I'm already getting an "A."
So just as you suspected, Mom...
I am better than everybody.
All I know is, my little boy was
very brave at the dentist today.
Wasn't he? Yes, he was,
my "wittle snicklefwitz."
Okay, Mom, uh, when a boy
reaches a certain age...
the baby voice
no longer comforts him.
It urges him to kill.
- Shh! Shh!
- Okay, let's, uh, get you some coffee.
Nobody pukes
in the Trans Am.
Mrs. Forman.
Uh-oh, you look mad.
What did Eric do? Bad Eric!
Donna?
Why aren't you in school?
No worries.
I called her in sick.
I told 'em "lady troubles."
No questions asked.
Oh, hey.
Easy there, wobbles.
Have you been drinking?
I hope so.
'Cause if not, this whole
place is a-spinnin'!
Hang on, boys,
it's a twister!
So, my mom and I were at
The Hub getting ice cream...
and we caught Donna
with Casey skipping school.
And she was drunk,
in the middle of the afternoon.
It was like...
It was like Sue Ellen on Dallas.
You went to The Hub for
ice cream with your mommy?
Why would you tell me that?
Hyde, the point is,
he went for ice cream without us.
You cannot
pick up a phone?
You know who can't
pick up a phone? Jackie.
I broke up with her
and she never calls to even say hi...
or to offer me sad,
but hot break-up sex.
I mean,
that's just selfish.
Guys, my mom's over at the Pinciottis' right
now telling Bob about Donna being drunk.
You can't do that kind of stuff
in the middle of the afternoon.
It'll mess with your... your... your...
your... your... your... thinking thing.
You know what I'm saying.
Yeah, you got to
stay sharp, man.
That's why I keep
myself pure until 3:00.
2:00.
That's why I keep myself
pure until 2:00.
I'm not wearing a watch.
Hey, you know what? Donna getting
busted is actually great for me...
because now she's got to
realize what a jackass Casey is.
And when she dumps him...
I'll be standin' right here
with open arms and a gentle "I told you so."
Oh, yeah, that could happen.
After all, I mean...
I made that girl a woman.
I made Jackie a woman...
like, a thousand times.
We stole dead fish.
Dead fish?
What are you going to do with dead fish?
You're missing the point, man!
We stole dead fish!
Ah, you just
don't get it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I just came by...
- I miss you.
- What?
- What?
- Did you say you missed me?
- No.
- Look, just say you miss me.
- Fine, I miss you!
Michael, I miss you too.
And look, I was thinking, since we
broke up because I kissed another guy...
what if I let you
kiss another girl?
I mean, we would be even,
and we could get back together.
Jackie, if you think that me kissin' another
girl is going to bring us closer together...
I'm totally willing
to make that sacrifice.
Thank you, Michael.
- Yeah. I better go wash my face.
- Okay.
Ah, this fish is so stinky.
What the hell are we going to
do with the stinky?
It's simple, man.
We're gonna find a place to hide
the stinky... and ruin someone's day.
Now, question is:
Where, how and who?
The answer is:
There, that and Kelso.
Oh, it's like a bowl...
a bowl for the stinky.
And we will put it, and he'll never find it,
and it will smell forever!
What the hell's going on with you?
You're grounded! No arguments!
Dad, I'm not grounded.
Okay, well, then,
whatever you think is best.
No, not whatever she thinks is best.
You are grounded.
Hey, you're not my mother.
You have no say in what I do.
Well, she's got you there.
Okay, let's see.
Which chick do I want to kiss?
Oh, no, no, no, Michael.
I get to pick the girl.
But you'll pick an "uggo."
You didn't call
"no uggos."
Hey, I just thought
of something.
Your plan's good and all, but what if the
girl that you pick doesn't want to kiss me?
"Doesn't want to kiss me"!
And then I told Donna she
was grounded, and she said no.
She said no?
Can you do that?
No.
I need your help, Red.
I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Oh, Dad, you know what's good?
Threaten her with the old foot in the ass.
You know, that Casey.
How can such a bad influence live
in such a handsome package?
Bad people should have
a... a big scar...
or an eye patch
so you can recognize them.
The problem is...
you know, there's a point when your kids
realize you can't do nothin' to control them.
There is?
No. Now stop listening.
Bob, I don't want to
get involved.
I've got enough problems with the 14 kids
who think they live here now.
Why do I have to
hold the fish?
Because that's what
the little buddy does.
Oh! Oh! Someone's coming.
So the guy's trying to tell me that his
Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am...
except for the decals.
How can people
be so ignorant?
I see you, Donna!
I see you!
- Dad!
- Don't "Dad" me!
You're not going anywhere,
not with this guy.
You're grounded again.
- How much did we miss?
- Shh! Just started.
Dad, I'm gonna do whatever I want with
whoever I want whenever I want to do it!
We have to have a talk
right now, Donna.
Mr. Pinciotti, sir, let me just say
that you're making a lot of sense here...
and I think that when
I bring Donna home tonight...
you two ought to sit down
and really hammer this thing out.
Okay, that sounds fair.
What?
- You're just gonna let her go off with him?
- What else can I do?
Oh, good God,
that's it!
Everybody in the living room.
Now!
Not you.
Bob, get in here!
Donna, what has
gotten into you?
Skipping school,
showing no respect for your father.
- That's right.
- Shut up, Bob.
Okay, here's snacks.
So, um,
anybody need a drink?
I'll take a rum and Coke
for the road.
Hey, hey, buddy,
little tip?
I think booze is what got you
in trouble in the first place.
How could you take this girl out drinking
in the middle of the day?
Well, you know how it is.
All the older girls were at work.
Can I just say this guy
is not boyfriend material.
I agree. You're not going out with
him anymore. You two are done.
- No!
- All right.
- What?
- You got to admit this has been a real hassle.
I mean, it was fun
and you're a great girl...
but let's just
call it a day.
Wait, you're breaking up
with her?
Casey, I thought
you said you...
- you know, you said you loved me.
- Yeah.
I have this thing where I say stuff
I don't really mean.
- Casey...
- Look, Donna...
I see what you're gettin' at,
and I'm not that type of guy.
Mrs. Forman, what say we rain check
that rum and Coke?
Donna, I'm...
I'm really sorry.
You're not sorry.
You got exactly what you wanted.
- Ow!
- Ohh!
Eric, someone
here to see you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay. Can I get
anyone a snack?
- Mom.
- Right, right. Have to stop doing that.
So, um, how are you?
Humiliated.
I'm such an idiot.
I got dumped in front
of the whole world.
I don't... I don't even know
what I said to your mom at The Hub...
and I hate that
she saw me like that.
What is wrong with me?
Hey, nothing.
Look, your mom left. Come on, you're...
you're allowed to freak out.
Everybody warned me about Casey,
and I fell for him anyway.
And he's such a jackass.
You know, I... really, really wanted you
to figure that out, just...
not like this.
Eric, I'm just...
- I'm so sorry.
- Hey.
I was so stupid.
- Eric, we should be together.
- Wait, what?
Let's just, like, forget all this
other stuff happened.
Wait. Wait.
Donna, I mean...
if you come running back
to me now...
I...
Donna, I can't be
your second choice.
But you're not.
Eric.
Oh! Oh, where am I?
Mmm. How about
I kiss her?
No way.
She's too tall,
too tan, too rich.
Damn, Jackie, I don't want to kiss
a short, pale, poor girl.
Okay, look, Michael, all I know is
I don't want to stay broken up.
Oh! Okay, you know what, you choose.
Kiss any girl you want.
I choose you.
Michael, that is the most
romantic thing...
I've ever read,
heard about or seen on TV.
Yeah, it was
pretty romantic.
I could tell
while I was doing it.
- Oh, God.
- What?
No, it's just...
Look, one week you break up with me,
and the next week you're Prince Charming?
I'm an incredibly
complex man, Jackie.
Michael,
I can't do this anymore.
Look, Michael,
if you want to choose me, then choose me.
I mean, really choose me.
Let's get married.
What?
Michael, all our problems are
because we haven't decided...
we're gonna be
together forever.
So let's decide.
Hold on.
You want to get married?
Yes, Michael!
Yes, I accept!
Oh! Oh, my God!
You know what? I gotta go tell my dad.
And you... you have to buy a ring.
Just think about it:
We are going to be the Burkhart-Kelsos!
The Who-hart What-os?
Michael and I are getting married!
Yeah, we heard.
That's why we're decorating the van.
But... But not with fish.
Ow!
Let me get
this straight.
Donna wanted to get back
together and you said no?
I said no.
You said no?
Dumb-ass!
Look, I have
my reasons, okay?
What could they be?
What could they possibly be?
Casey dumps her and she comes to me?
Okay, I'm not a rebound.
So you're too proud
to take her back?
And what do you have
to be so proud of?
You're not an athlete.
The only smart thing
about you is your mouth.
And look at you.
Red... Red, he looks fine.
He's just so darn stupid!
I'm... I'm very upset!
Well, stop, okay?
Because, I already feel
bad enough as it is.
- Well, you should.
- Well, I do!
I love her.
God, why do I always have to
screw these things up, you know?
Why does everything
always have to be my way?
That's why we broke up
in the first place.
Uh-huh, well, we've
all known that for a year!
Okay.
Okay, I have to
tell Donna how I feel.
Then go!
Oh, Red.
I know.
We're never gonna get him
out of the house.
Donna?
Oh, hello,
Mr. Pinciotti, Mrs...
I'm sorry, Joanne.
I don't know your last name.
I have something
to tell you guys.
I love Donna.
Well, she isn't here.
We don't know where she is.
And... And it's Stupak.
Well, uh, if it's okay,
I'll just wait.
Sure.
I always liked you.
Oh, thank you, sir.
But do me a favor.
Don't play with her undergarments.
Somethin' reeks!
Man!
- Where are you goin'?
- Bus station. I'm going to my mom's in California.
Oh, my God.
You're runnin' away.
I don't know
what else to do.
No, I know how you feel.
Jackie wants to get married.
To me!
What?
Look, a lot of people don't know this about
us, but Jackie's pretty much in charge.
So it might happen.
But it won't happen
if I'm not here.
You know what, I'll drive you.
We'll both go to California.
Kelso, are you up for this?
Hey, if the Beverly Hillbillies
can do it, so can I.
Great, let's go.
Oh, my God.
What stinks?
This town, baby.
We're leaving that smell behind.
Whew!
Kelso!
I'm not gonna
tell you again!
Well, I was reaching
for my soda. Damn!
Man, Iowa smells
like fish too.
Should have taken the bus.
miss class 'cause I'm already getting an "A."
So just as you suspected, Mom...
I am better than everybody.
All I know is, my little boy was
very brave at the dentist today.
Wasn't he? Yes, he was,
my "wittle snicklefwitz."
Okay, Mom, uh, when a boy
reaches a certain age...
the baby voice
no longer comforts him.
It urges him to kill.
- Shh! Shh!
- Okay, let's, uh, get you some coffee.
Nobody pukes
in the Trans Am.
Mrs. Forman.
Uh-oh, you look mad.
What did Eric do? Bad Eric!
Donna?
Why aren't you in school?
No worries.
I called her in sick.
I told 'em "lady troubles."
No questions asked.
Oh, hey.
Easy there, wobbles.
Have you been drinking?
I hope so.
'Cause if not, this whole
place is a-spinnin'!
Hang on, boys,
it's a twister!
So, my mom and I were at
The Hub getting ice cream...
and we caught Donna
with Casey skipping school.
And she was drunk,
in the middle of the afternoon.
It was like...
It was like Sue Ellen on Dallas.
You went to The Hub for
ice cream with your mommy?
Why would you tell me that?
Hyde, the point is,
he went for ice cream without us.
You cannot
pick up a phone?
You know who can't
pick up a phone? Jackie.
I broke up with her
and she never calls to even say hi...
or to offer me sad,
but hot break-up sex.
I mean,
that's just selfish.
Guys, my mom's over at the Pinciottis' right
now telling Bob about Donna being drunk.
You can't do that kind of stuff
in the middle of the afternoon.
It'll mess with your... your... your...
your... your... your... thinking thing.
You know what I'm saying.
Yeah, you got to
stay sharp, man.
That's why I keep
myself pure until 3:00.
2:00.
That's why I keep myself
pure until 2:00.
I'm not wearing a watch.
Hey, you know what? Donna getting
busted is actually great for me...
because now she's got to
realize what a jackass Casey is.
And when she dumps him...
I'll be standin' right here
with open arms and a gentle "I told you so."
Oh, yeah, that could happen.
After all, I mean...
I made that girl a woman.
I made Jackie a woman...
like, a thousand times.
We stole dead fish.
Dead fish?
What are you going to do with dead fish?
You're missing the point, man!
We stole dead fish!
Ah, you just
don't get it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- I just came by...
- I miss you.
- What?
- What?
- Did you say you missed me?
- No.
- Look, just say you miss me.
- Fine, I miss you!
Michael, I miss you too.
And look, I was thinking, since we
broke up because I kissed another guy...
what if I let you
kiss another girl?
I mean, we would be even,
and we could get back together.
Jackie, if you think that me kissin' another
girl is going to bring us closer together...
I'm totally willing
to make that sacrifice.
Thank you, Michael.
- Yeah. I better go wash my face.
- Okay.
Ah, this fish is so stinky.
What the hell are we going to
do with the stinky?
It's simple, man.
We're gonna find a place to hide
the stinky... and ruin someone's day.
Now, question is:
Where, how and who?
The answer is:
There, that and Kelso.
Oh, it's like a bowl...
a bowl for the stinky.
And we will put it, and he'll never find it,
and it will smell forever!
What the hell's going on with you?
You're grounded! No arguments!
Dad, I'm not grounded.
Okay, well, then,
whatever you think is best.
No, not whatever she thinks is best.
You are grounded.
Hey, you're not my mother.
You have no say in what I do.
Well, she's got you there.
Okay, let's see.
Which chick do I want to kiss?
Oh, no, no, no, Michael.
I get to pick the girl.
But you'll pick an "uggo."
You didn't call
"no uggos."
Hey, I just thought
of something.
Your plan's good and all, but what if the
girl that you pick doesn't want to kiss me?
"Doesn't want to kiss me"!
And then I told Donna she
was grounded, and she said no.
She said no?
Can you do that?
No.
I need your help, Red.
I gotta get Donna away from that guy.
Oh, Dad, you know what's good?
Threaten her with the old foot in the ass.
You know, that Casey.
How can such a bad influence live
in such a handsome package?
Bad people should have
a... a big scar...
or an eye patch
so you can recognize them.
The problem is...
you know, there's a point when your kids
realize you can't do nothin' to control them.
There is?
No. Now stop listening.
Bob, I don't want to
get involved.
I've got enough problems with the 14 kids
who think they live here now.
Why do I have to
hold the fish?
Because that's what
the little buddy does.
Oh! Oh! Someone's coming.
So the guy's trying to tell me that his
Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am...
except for the decals.
How can people
be so ignorant?
I see you, Donna!
I see you!
- Dad!
- Don't "Dad" me!
You're not going anywhere,
not with this guy.
You're grounded again.
- How much did we miss?
- Shh! Just started.
Dad, I'm gonna do whatever I want with
whoever I want whenever I want to do it!
We have to have a talk
right now, Donna.
Mr. Pinciotti, sir, let me just say
that you're making a lot of sense here...
and I think that when
I bring Donna home tonight...
you two ought to sit down
and really hammer this thing out.
Okay, that sounds fair.
What?
- You're just gonna let her go off with him?
- What else can I do?
Oh, good God,
that's it!
Everybody in the living room.
Now!
Not you.
Bob, get in here!
Donna, what has
gotten into you?
Skipping school,
showing no respect for your father.
- That's right.
- Shut up, Bob.
Okay, here's snacks.
So, um,
anybody need a drink?
I'll take a rum and Coke
for the road.
Hey, hey, buddy,
little tip?
I think booze is what got you
in trouble in the first place.
How could you take this girl out drinking
in the middle of the day?
Well, you know how it is.
All the older girls were at work.
Can I just say this guy
is not boyfriend material.
I agree. You're not going out with
him anymore. You two are done.
- No!
- All right.
- What?
- You got to admit this has been a real hassle.
I mean, it was fun
and you're a great girl...
but let's just
call it a day.
Wait, you're breaking up
with her?
Casey, I thought
you said you...
- you know, you said you loved me.
- Yeah.
I have this thing where I say stuff
I don't really mean.
- Casey...
- Look, Donna...
I see what you're gettin' at,
and I'm not that type of guy.
Mrs. Forman, what say we rain check
that rum and Coke?
Donna, I'm...
I'm really sorry.
You're not sorry.
You got exactly what you wanted.
- Ow!
- Ohh!
Eric, someone
here to see you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay. Can I get
anyone a snack?
- Mom.
- Right, right. Have to stop doing that.
So, um, how are you?
Humiliated.
I'm such an idiot.
I got dumped in front
of the whole world.
I don't... I don't even know
what I said to your mom at The Hub...
and I hate that
she saw me like that.
What is wrong with me?
Hey, nothing.
Look, your mom left. Come on, you're...
you're allowed to freak out.
Everybody warned me about Casey,
and I fell for him anyway.
And he's such a jackass.
You know, I... really, really wanted you
to figure that out, just...
not like this.
Eric, I'm just...
- I'm so sorry.
- Hey.
I was so stupid.
- Eric, we should be together.
- Wait, what?
Let's just, like, forget all this
other stuff happened.
Wait. Wait.
Donna, I mean...
if you come running back
to me now...
I...
Donna, I can't be
your second choice.
But you're not.
Eric.
Oh! Oh, where am I?
Mmm. How about
I kiss her?
No way.
She's too tall,
too tan, too rich.
Damn, Jackie, I don't want to kiss
a short, pale, poor girl.
Okay, look, Michael, all I know is
I don't want to stay broken up.
Oh! Okay, you know what, you choose.
Kiss any girl you want.
I choose you.
Michael, that is the most
romantic thing...
I've ever read,
heard about or seen on TV.
Yeah, it was
pretty romantic.
I could tell
while I was doing it.
- Oh, God.
- What?
No, it's just...
Look, one week you break up with me,
and the next week you're Prince Charming?
I'm an incredibly
complex man, Jackie.
Michael,
I can't do this anymore.
Look, Michael,
if you want to choose me, then choose me.
I mean, really choose me.
Let's get married.
What?
Michael, all our problems are
because we haven't decided...
we're gonna be
together forever.
So let's decide.
Hold on.
You want to get married?
Yes, Michael!
Yes, I accept!
Oh! Oh, my God!
You know what? I gotta go tell my dad.
And you... you have to buy a ring.
Just think about it:
We are going to be the Burkhart-Kelsos!
The Who-hart What-os?
Michael and I are getting married!
Yeah, we heard.
That's why we're decorating the van.
But... But not with fish.
Ow!
Let me get
this straight.
Donna wanted to get back
together and you said no?
I said no.
You said no?
Dumb-ass!
Look, I have
my reasons, okay?
What could they be?
What could they possibly be?
Casey dumps her and she comes to me?
Okay, I'm not a rebound.
So you're too proud
to take her back?
And what do you have
to be so proud of?
You're not an athlete.
The only smart thing
about you is your mouth.
And look at you.
Red... Red, he looks fine.
He's just so darn stupid!
I'm... I'm very upset!
Well, stop, okay?
Because, I already feel
bad enough as it is.
- Well, you should.
- Well, I do!
I love her.
God, why do I always have to
screw these things up, you know?
Why does everything
always have to be my way?
That's why we broke up
in the first place.
Uh-huh, well, we've
all known that for a year!
Okay.
Okay, I have to
tell Donna how I feel.
Then go!
Oh, Red.
I know.
We're never gonna get him
out of the house.
Donna?
Oh, hello,
Mr. Pinciotti, Mrs...
I'm sorry, Joanne.
I don't know your last name.
I have something
to tell you guys.
I love Donna.
Well, she isn't here.
We don't know where she is.
And... And it's Stupak.
Well, uh, if it's okay,
I'll just wait.
Sure.
I always liked you.
Oh, thank you, sir.
But do me a favor.
Don't play with her undergarments.
Somethin' reeks!
Man!
- Where are you goin'?
- Bus station. I'm going to my mom's in California.
Oh, my God.
You're runnin' away.
I don't know
what else to do.
No, I know how you feel.
Jackie wants to get married.
To me!
What?
Look, a lot of people don't know this about
us, but Jackie's pretty much in charge.
So it might happen.
But it won't happen
if I'm not here.
You know what, I'll drive you.
We'll both go to California.
Kelso, are you up for this?
Hey, if the Beverly Hillbillies
can do it, so can I.
Great, let's go.
Oh, my God.
What stinks?
This town, baby.
We're leaving that smell behind.
Whew!
Kelso!
I'm not gonna
tell you again!
Well, I was reaching
for my soda. Damn!
Man, Iowa smells
like fish too.
Should have taken the bus.