That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 26 - Everybody Loves Casey - full transcript

Oh, Hyde, get this.

Casey just came by
to pick up Donna...

and he was out in the street
just revving his Trans Am real loud...

and then he peels out
in the street...

and he started
doing doughnuts.

And then, out comes Donna,
all smiling...

and, like,
looking at him.

What a slut!

Look. If she wants
to date him, that's fine.

But he doesn't have to be
all loud and jerky about it.

Jerky, loud, doughnut jerk.



Oh, guess what, boys.

I entered the big wiener contest
at the Piggly Wiggly.

And I won a year's supply
of all-beef hot dogs!

I'm a wiener winner!

Well, anyway,
we're having a barbecue.

No, Kitty! I thought we were
going to talk about that.

Mm-hmm. Oh, and I saw Donna
at the grocery store...

and she said she's bringing
her friend Casey.

What? No.
I hate Casey.

He's Donna's new boyfriend.
Y-You have to uninvite him. Dad, tell her.

Kitty, you've done
a horrible thing.

It could scar the boy
for life.

Now, let's do the right thing
and cancel that barbecue.

No. We're having it,
and it'll be fun.



And... we just...
We won't give Casey any relish.

All right!

Once Casey finds out he's not getting
any relish, he'll dump Donna for sure.

You are so screwed.

So your mom invited Casey
over for hot dogs?

Well, that's a plump,
juicy all-beef burn.

Ah, it's just typical
women stuff.

Like Jackie
kissing that guy. Ow!

- Hyde!
- Yeah. Okay?

I've decided if anyone brings up
any more stupid girl stuff...

I'm gonna throw something
at 'em.

This time, I threw a fist.

I'm sorry. It's just
everything reminds me.

Like, last night Rocky was on...

and I was thinking I'm like Rocky
and Jackie is Apollo Creed.

And she bashed in my face
by kissing that guy!

At least Rocky
wins in the end.

Kelso, Rocky loses.

Oh, yeah? Well, why is he
jumping around all happy?

Because he goes
the distance, fool.

He loses the fight,
but he wins in life.

Who wants to watch a movie
with a message like that?

Ice-cream man!

You guys, I've been thinking
about Donna. And I...

This time I threw a magazine.

No, guys, seriously.
This barbecue might work out in my favor.

You see, Donna's only seen Casey
around his smelly, tattooed...

Molly Hatchet-lovin' friends.

But when he comes to the barbecue,
he'll be around us...

good, clean,
Lynyrd Skynyrd-lovin' Americans.

And the comparison
will not be kind to him.

And then Donna'll come
running home to you.

No.

Well, maybe.
You think?

So, instead of pounding Casey like you
should, you came up with this zany scheme.

Forman, you've officially
turned into Daffy Duck.

You're "dithpicable"!

You know, I have
lady problems too.

Rhonda won't let me
get past second base.

I even said, "please."

Magic word, my ass!

Y-You know what,
Jac... I can't do this.

Why should I paint these round, berry toes if
some other guy is gonna end up lickin' 'em?

Michael, what are you
talking about?

I still can't get over
you cheatin' on me.

And I need to hear you
apologize again.

And this time, maybe you
should cry or give me money!

No, Michael.
I am not gonna beg for forgiveness.

I didn't make you do that
when you cheated.

Well, that is
totally different.

When guys cheat, it's because
they need some hot action.

But when girls cheat, it's way worse,
'cause girls don't even like sex.

We do too.

Well, why aren't we
doin' it now?

Because I don't want to
do it right now.

I do. Point made.
Thank you!

No. You know what?
We need help.

We should consult the world's
highest authority on relationships.

Cosmo!

"Why you should touch
your breasts every day."

No, this could help.
They seem smart.

Okay, Fez, when Casey gets here, ask him
for advice about your second-base problem.

My advice is gonna be
way better than his, and, uh...

Donna will see that
he's a greasy dolt.

Hey, Forman,
I have an idea.

Set up a wacky system
of ropes and pulleys...

and when Casey gets here,
drop an anvil on his head.

- Because that's what Daffy does.
- Yeah, I got that.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Hey, Foreplay.
Getting a little shaggy up there, buddy.

Okay. Well, that's
enough of that!

Okay.
So, uh...

Hey, you guys
are just in time.

Fez was telling me about, uh, some kind
of problem you're having with Rhonda.

Yeah. Rhonda won't let me get past second
base, and I really want to explore further.

Mmm. Gosh.
Well, I don't know...

I think if you're patient,
and you're respectful...

when Rhonda's ready,
she'll, uh... she'll wave you over.

Well, thank you, Eric.
That is very gentlemanly advice.

Gentlemanly?
Well, uh, guilty as charged, I guess.

Hey, Casey, uh,
what do you think?

Well, sometimes
a seasoned lady like Rhonda...

she's gotten used to
the usual order of things.

So, I think the next time
you're fooling around...

just, uh, skip second
and go right to third.

- What?
- It's genius!

No wonder
you never get any.

Yeah, with Rhonda, you know,
that just might work.

W-Wait, you like that?

Well, the words are wrong, but they
sound so good coming out of his mouth.

I got a way about me.

That worked out...
"thuper."

Okay, Michael. I found something out
about our situation.

This article says that cheating
is a symptom of a deeper problem.

Deeper problem?

No! I don't want a deeper problem!
I want a quick fix!

Well, too bad.

Because I realized that I'm still hurt and
angry from all the times you cheated on me.

Okay? And that is why
I kissed that guy.

So what are you saying?

I'm sayin',
I'm not sorry.

I'm not sorry!

Come on!

Look, now I know
why I cheated.

You need to read this Cosmo
and find out why you did.

I ripped out the boob pictures,
so don't bother looking.

Hey, Donna, uh,
would you like a hot dog?

Um, maybe half.

Whoa, man,
you carry a knife?

Yeah. You never know when a lady's
gonna need a half a hot dog.

It's funny man. You're the Boy Scout,
but I'm the one who's prepared.

He's like a gladiator.

Okay, that's it. I'm bringing out
the big guns. Oh, yeah.

I'm introducing him
to my folks.

Oh, hey, Mom, meet Casey.
This is Donna's new boyfriend.

Well, you're certainly not a girl!

Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Forman.

You know, you couldn't have picked a prettier
day to win a year's supply of hot dogs.

Yeah, sure is a hot dog.

Mom!

Sorry, honey, it's just...
He's just...

I am sure
you are much smarter.

Kitty, the idiot neighbors
drank all my beer.

Uh-oh. You're in a bad mood.
Hey, meet Casey.

Pleasure, sir.

Hey, maybe I can help.

I always keep an spare case
of beer in the Trans Am.

Little tip I picked up
in the army.

I don't know.
Seems like a pretty good kid.

Uh-huh.

So, you and Casey, huh?

Look, Hyde, whatever you heard
about Casey, he's changed now.

He's... He's mature.

Oh, yeah.
He's real mature.

Well, I like him!

We're together, and if you can't deal
with that, then you can just go to hell!

Hey, that's not barbecue language,
young lady!

Here's that beer, sir.
I got a soda for the minor.

Now, you make sure
to drink that real slow...

'cause I don't want you
to get a tummy ache, little guy.

Well, that's thoughtful.

Yeah, he cramps up easy.

Casey and Donna, man.

Hey, remember when we were 12?
We didn't even like girls yet.

I liked girls
when I was 12.

Yeah, I was happy to stay at home
Friday night in my underwear...

just tossin'
a football to myself.

Yeah, never did that either.

Well, at least I gave it
my best shot, right?

If Donna loves Casey and not me,
then, I mean, I guess it's over.

Wha... Forman,
you can't give up.

Okay, look. Who knows what's
gonna happen with me and Jackie.

But what you
and Donna had?

That was, like, real.

And I'm telling you, as his brother...
Look, Casey is bad news.

He's either gonna get bored and split,
or something worse is gonna happen.

So, you gotta
do something.

Hey, since when did
you get all serious?

Been reading Cosmo.

It's very educational.

Yeah. I never realized how much
plumbing girls had down there.

Like, there's this diagram,
and it's like a map of Six Flags.

Okay, everyone.
Here's lunch.

Hot dog soup!

No more hot dogs!

I'll just eat
the grilled cheese.

You mean, grilled cheese
with hot dogs!

Kitty, for God's sakes...

I ate 14 hot dogs yesterday!

Well, what do you want me to do, Red?
They're everywhere.

They're a curse
on this house!

Oh, fine.
Let's make some calls.

Maybe we can unload
the damn things on a nursery school.

You guys, I have let this thing
with Casey go way too far.

Yeah, no kidding.
Donna's pretty far gone.

She's starting to lash out
at people at barbecues.

You gotta
kick his ass, man!

Hyde, Eric cannot beat Casey
with his fists.

He's a special boy who must beat him
with his special strengths.

Now, let's think.
What is Eric's special strengths?

Welcome back to TV's
favorite game show...

Get Into That Box!

Now let's meet our returning champion,
Eric Forman!

Thanks.
Good to be back, Fez.

Let's meet our challenger,
Casey Kelso!

Casey Kelso,
it's time to...

Get Into That Box!

How does he do it?

He's so tiny!

I would watch that show.

Okay.
That was great.

Guys, I'm going
over to Casey's.

And I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

But if things get physical,
I'm just gonna have to drop the hammer.

And if all else fails,
kick him in the stones and run like hell.

Yeah, that's what I meant by
"drop the hammer."

Rhonda, your lively tongue
has made me thirsty.

Would you like to
wet your whistle?

Wow, thirsty lady.

Well, we're off to
a nice start.

Shall we move on
to second base?

Ay, no.

Guess what. I read your little
"everything's my fault" article...

and I realized
why I cheated.

Remember the first time
I kissed Pam Macy?

- Behind the gym?
- And in the gym, and in her car.

But, anyway...

Earlier that day, I didn't have
any money to buy you Tater Tots.

You said that I'd never be able to
support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough.

You're always puttin' me down like that,
and it makes me feel bad about myself.

And that is why I cheated.

That's the dumbest thing
I've ever heard!

Just like that.

And then I thought about it,
and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Hey!

Michael,
what are you saying?

I'm sayin' that we're not right for
each other, because you make me feel bad!

And...

And...

I don't think I can
be with you anymore.

I want to break up.

Wait, break up?

No, no. Michael, I was wrong.
Please, let's talk about this.

- No.
- Wait, but Michael!

Casey, we need to talk.

Well, I'm a little swamped
right now, Foreplay.

I think Donna thinks
you love her...

and if you don't,
you shouldn't act like you do.

What are you?
The love police?

Hands up!
Love police is here.

Hey, all I'm saying is that
if you don't love her...

just don't be with her, okay?

Because she's
a really special person...

and someone out there
could really love her.

Someone out there
or someone right here?

Oh, hey, Eric.
What are you doing here?

He was just leaving.

Oh. Well,
I gotta go too.

Hey, Pinciotti.

Love ya.

Oh, well, I...

Thank you.

Okay, well I'll, uh,
I'll see you later.

You see, Forman,
it's just words.

You don't have to mean it.

If you make her cry,
I'm coming right back here to kick your ass.

Well, me and Jackie
are officially over.

We're as done
as this hot dog.

This hot dog isn't done!

Well, if kicking Casey's butt is the same
as babbling at him from a safe distance...

then, boy, did I do it!

But seriously, you guys,
the days of Daffy are over.

It's time for action.

I'm goin' Road Runner
on his ass.

Beep, beep!
Pow!

Good.

Because thanks to his stupid advice,
Rhonda dumped me.

I tried to steal third,
but she blocked me...

and choked me.

Now there is
no more baseball for Fez.

It's back to handball.

Girls, man.
They'll make you miserable.

Well, I got a date.

"Tho" long, "thuckerth!"

It's like Playboy...

but girls look at it.

I know.
How hot is that?

Oh, look. Six Flags!

Well, that better not be
a dirty magazine.

Oh, Cosmo.
Good for you.

Cosmo?

You boys are spending
too much time together.