That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 4, Episode 25 - Eric's False Alarm - full transcript

Okay, boys.
I brought cheese samples from work.

What's wrong with them?

Nothing. Well,
they were in the trash.

- Cool.
- Hand it over.

Hey. You know how my brother
locks me in the closet...

with a pillowcase full of dead fish
until the stink makes me cry?

Well, while I was in there,
I heard him make a phone call.

And it seems that he's got a
little surprise for Donna tonight...

the honeymoon suite
at that French motel in Kenosha.

The Le Motel?

Oh, no, it sounds like Donna
and Casey are going to le do it.



Oh, yeah. Eric's gonna freak out
when we tell him.

- And why would we tell him?
- To watch him freak out.

Kelso, he's gonna take it
really hard, man.

- So we just need to keep our mouths shut.
- Wow.

That's very considerate of Eric's feelings.
What the hell, man?

I just think we all need to zip it,
especially you.

Hey, I can keep a secret.

I didn't tell Kelso you took
five bucks from his wallet.

Hyde!

None of you guys
can keep a secret.

Well, you sure can, especially when
it's about you kissing other guys.

Michael, it was one guy from work,
and I told you I'm sorry.

God, how long are you gonna
keep throwing that in my face?

Well, how long are you gonna keep
throwing your face in other guys' faces?



Wow. That was clever.

I think I won that!
Yeah!

Oh, Eric.

Let me just say I'm sorry.

- For what?
- I can't tell you.

But if you were to guess that Casey
is taking Donna to a honeymoon suite...

I'd say, "Good guess."

Wait. Casey and Donna
got a motel room?

Yeah, but look at the bright side.
Donna and Casey may be doing it...

but at least they're doing it
on a vibrating, heart-shaped bed.

If you see what I mean.

Well, I do now thanks to your spot-on,
detailed description.

Oh, and there'll probably
be a mirror too.

Okay, thanks, Fez.

- You know, so they can watch each other.
- Yeah, I know.

I'd like to propose a toast.

My divorce papers
finally came through.

- To divorce!
- Oh, no, no. No, no.

If you're gonna drink to divorce, drink
alone in the dark like regular sad people.

I'm not sad.
I'm happy...

'cause now I can do all kinds of things
I couldn't do before, like, uh...

Joanne, we could get married.

Somethin' funny?

Bob, we've never
mentioned marriage before.

You spring it on me now
in front of strangers?

Oh, excuse me.

My mistake, I guess.

I guess I hurt
someone's feelings.

Well, you certainly did.
We are not strangers!

So, what are you and Casey
doin' tonight?

He won't tell me.
It's a surprise.

Oh, honey, it's blush,
not spray paint.

A surprise, huh?

What if the surprise is something big?
Are you ready for it?

I mean, how do you really
feel about Casey?

I don't know.

Well, how do you feel
about his hair?

Love it.
Lots of body.

- And his body?
- Love it. Lots of hair.

- How about his car?
- I love it. Trans Ams kick ass.

So hair, body and car.
The big three...

the Holy Trinity of Love.

Okay, I think you're ready
for your big surprise.

Jackie, what is
this big surprise?

All I can tell you
is definitely...

definitely shave those legs.

Well, I called the Le Motel.

Fez, you were right.
Casey has a reservation for tonight.

And, Hyde, you were right.
I cannot keep a secret.

Speaking of secrets,
look what I found in Jackie's cheese.

Some guy Phil's
phone number.

I-I can't take this anymore. I just know
it, Hyde. She's cheatin' on me again.

Kelso, don't jump
to conclusions.

Maybe I don't care.

Forman, man, you gotta be cool
about this Donna thing...

or she's gonna know
you're jealous.

You can't be all
Simon and Garfunkely.

You gotta get
Bruce Springsteeny.

Springsteenian.
Springsteenicious.

Wait. What are we
talking about?

Whoa. Hey, you guys,
I'm not jealous.

I'm just looking out for her.

I mean, Donna's
practically a sister to me.

A tall, shapely sister...

who I've done it with...

about a million times.

Look, maybe Donna and Casey
won't even do it tonight.

I'd call it 50-50.

You would?

Oh, I'd be wrong.

But I'd call it that to keep you
from doing somethin' stupid.

Forman, you gotta
do somethin' stupid.

Sittin' around feeling helpless all day...
That isn't healthy.

That's why I'm gonna
stalk Jackie.

You know, I really love
things with holes.

Swiss cheese, doughnuts,
inner tubes.

I don't know what it is about a hole.
It just feels good.

Hello?

Is Phil there?

- Who?
- Phil! Some guy you kissed!

I found his number
in your cheese!

Michael, Phil's the guy
who delivers the sausage.

You tramp!

No, idiot.
He brings food to our store.

He's our sausage guy.

Tramp!

Wait... Who's that singing?
Who's singing love songs to you?

Peter Frampton.

Are you kissing him?

No!

Are you sure?

Hello?

Hello, this is Norman.
Shall we kiss?

Okay, Red, what Bob needs
right now is a good friend.

And since I don't know where we're
gonna find one, you need to talk to him.

- Kitty...
- Or you can talk to Joanne.

I'll take Bob.

I'll take Joanne.

Donna, I have to
talk to you!

Leo?

Have you got Donna in there?

You know,
I didn't think to ask.

Look, I have to find Donna.

Casey's gonna surprise her with
the honeymoon suite. And I know Donna.

She's not gonna like
that kind of surprise.

So she'll probably be looking for an out,
so I'm here to rescue her.

Kind of like Luke did
with Leia in Star Wars.

You know,
"I'm here to rescue you!"

The other honeymoon suite's
across the hall, man.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got
a game of Twister I gotta stretch for.

Casey, check it out. They have tiny soaps.

What am I doing?

I couldn't do it, Leo.
Donna's havin' a good time.

She doesn't wanna be rescued.
But you know what?

The thing is, I still wanna go
in there and stop everything, you know?

I didn't come here for her.
I came here for me.

That's a huge dilemma, man.

But you know what you
really gotta ask yourself?

Is there anybody who's not in a motel room
with three women that you could tell this to?

Okay, here's the thing.

Bob really likes you.

Why? Who knows?

But that's America. Any kook can have
any damn fool idea he wants.

Look, I haven't had
good luck with marriage.

When my first husband
and I were dating, he was great.

But as soon as I married him,
he turned into...

well, something like you.

Well, I don't know what kind of crap
your ex-husband used to pull...

but whatever it was,
Bob doesn't have it in him.

He's just a nice,
loyal guy...

with a big heart.

He's perfect for
a pushy gal like you.

Well, he does have
a big heart.

And we do
go well together.

You know, Red, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think you were a good guy.

Well, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think I cared.

The red cheese is chewy.

The red cheese is wax.

Oh. Hey, guess what, fellas?

Turns out I still have
feelings for Donna. Yeah.

Deep feelings.
Warm feelings.

Tingly-in-the-pants feelings.

And I can't do anything
about it, because...

she has those feelings
for someone else.

I think that admitting that
you still love Donna...

is an important step...

because it reopens
the door for this:

Eric loves Donna! Eric loves Donna!

Look, you guys,
I don't love her.

I just think that
if she's not with me...

the fairest thing for everyone
is if she's alone and unhappy.

No!
That is a bad plan, man.

'Cause if you leave a chick alone,
the next thing you know...

she's lickin' the roof
of some other guy's mouth.

Like the cheese guy.
I hate that guy!

But you love his cheese.

See, this is just like
a Southern tragedy.

Tennessee Williams,
but with cheese.

I'm taking advanced English.

Oh, man, I gotta go to the mall.
I'm late to stalk Jackie.

I just...

I can't believe Donna's in a motel room
with him right now.

Man, I don't like it either.

But there is one thing
you can do.

I believe you have a stack of Playboys
underneath your bed.

Go use 'em.

Okay, Bob, I think
the problem is that...

Joanne thinks you're moving
just a little too fast.

That's just who I am.

I do everything fast.

I run fast.

I drive fast.

I eat fast.

Okay, what happens
when you eat fast?

I get gassy.

Right. Okay, well, a relationship
works the same way.

When it grows too fast,
it... it gets gassy too.

And-And... And then
the bad thing happens...

and people
leave the room.

Wow.

A lot of people
have told me to slow down...

but nobody ever said it
in a way that spoke to me.

- Hi, Bob.
- Hey, Joanne.

Okay, well,
we'll just, um...

We'll leave
you two alone.

Okay, well, there will be no more
marriage talk from Bob.

What? There'd better be.
She's expecting it!

- Oh, crap!
- Lock the doors!

I'm on it!

Michael!

What are you doing?

- What, are you spying on me now?
- No!

Okay, fine.
Yeah, I'm spying on you...

'cause you're around
strange guys all day...

and apparently, every once in a while,
you up and French one of 'em.

Michael, go home.
This is a place of business.

And if you don't have any business,
you're not welcome at the mall.

Fine!

Stay away
from my girlfriend!

Michael, what are you doing?

Well, I can be at the mall now,
'cause I got business. Train business.

You have lost your mind!

Yep, and I don't miss it!

Michael, look at you, riding around
on a kiddie train so you can spy on me.

I mean, do you not see
how crazy this is?

Well, yeah.

But I-I don't know
what to do.

I mean, I'm a mess.
I can't sleep, I can't eat.

Well, I can eat. And then when I eat,
I get kind of sleepy.

But I am really upset!

Look, if we're ever gonna get past this, you
have to forget about that stupid little kiss...

and just try... try to remember
that we love each other.

- I know.
- So can we please, please just finally move on?

I wanna say yes, but...

it's like we're
on this track...

and we keep going around
in circles like some kind of...

some kind of...

I don't know.
I lost my train of thought.

Okay, Forman, what were you doing
at the Le Motel last night?

And don't say you weren't there,
because Leo saw you.

Wait, wait.
Leo thinks he saw me at the Le Motel?

Cut the crap, Eric.

You know Casey and I
had a room last night...

so you went there and you pulled
the fire alarm all night until we left.

Fire alarm?
I didn't... I didn't pull...

Wait. You guys left?
So you guys didn't...

No! We spent all night
in the parking lot...

with Leo and
his hooty mamas.

Eric, what were you
even doing at the motel?

I don't know. I just...

I was fine, right? I mean,
we were friends, and that was cool.

And now, Donna,
all of a sudden...

it's like the day after
we broke up all over again, and...

Look, I'm sorry, but when I knew
you were gonna be with Casey, I just...

I felt...

Whatever.

No, I get it.

Remember when you wanted to date
other people, and I was so cool about it?

Well, I wasn't.
It, like, broke my heart.

- So what did you do?
- Well, I didn't know what to do.

- So, I just, you know...
- Right.

Casey.

Right.

Hey, look, from now on,
I'm gonna stay out of your business.

- I promise.
- Thank you.

But before that promise
goes into effect...

I would like it duly noted for the record
that I think Casey's all wrong for you...

and I think you guys
are moving way too fast.

Duly noted.

- And I'll stay out of your business too.
- Okay.

Good. So I better, uh,
drum me up some business, huh?

Still sleepin', huh?
Gosh.

Pulling fire alarms all night
must really wear you out.

That's right.
I'm on to you, buddy.

You did a nice thing,
and I'm tellin' everybody.

Oh, man, I didn't do it
to be nice.

I did it because I always wanted
to commit a felony.

Misdemeanors just ain't
the rush they used to be.

Well, all I hear is...

"I love you,
I love you, I love you."