That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 4 - Heartbreaker - full transcript
Now Michael Kelso has found out about Jackie and Hyde, he's crushed and out for vengeance - alas his attacks on friend Steven have the same sad result as always, a black eye for poor Kelso. Kitty is walking on clouds because of her pregnancy, so she invites her parents over, alcoholic Burt Sigurdson and commands-shouting Bea Sigurdson, but the gynecologist changed her big news: she's not expecting but entering menopause; one day too late for otherwise relieved Red: his 'baby' the Corvette is already sold.
(Laughs)
Why is Hyde kissin'Jackie?
What the hell?
- He's dead!
- Kelso!
Open, damn it!
No, they're gettin' away!
What is wrong
with this thing?
Well, this is against
my better judgment, but-
(Clicks)
Thank you.
Now Hyde's really dead.
Oh!
That's invisible!
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Donna,
we have to stabilize him.
We're gonna need pudding,
and lots of it.
Who chooses a chick
over a friend?
Kelso, come on. Remember when
you made me walk home in a blizzard...
'cause you wanted 10 extra minutes
to make out with Pam Macy?
No, but I didn't steal
Pam Macy from you.
And you could've played in
the snow until we were done.
Kelso, try to look
at the facts.
Jackie wanted to get married,
so you bailed...
so she found someone else,
so now she doesn't wanna marry you.
This solves your problem,
albeit with an unpleasant twist ending.
No. I don't care.
I'm kickin' Hyde's ass.
Kelso, Kelso, come on.
You couldn't open my kitchen door.
I mean-
Seriously, think about
how this plan usually turns out.
(Groans)
That's my eye!
Nice.
Aah. My eye!
(Groaning)
(Car Radio: Rock)
(Shouting)
That's my butt print! Look at it!
No two are the same!
Ow!
(Crying)
My eye!
Uh, what am I supposed to do?
He broke the code!
He's wrong!
You know what?
You're right.
He's, like, my oldest friend,
and he stabbed me in the back.
So, Kelso, how many things
around here have you put your butt on?
Let's start with what
I haven't put my butt on.
Oh, just a moment.
Red, it's somebody
about buying the Corvette.
(Grunts)
Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male
of the herd grunt his displeasure.
But what does it mean?
- The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
- Ah!
Idiots.
I am about to sell something special to me,
because we're having another baby.
And to do that,
I have to believe...
that this child
won't turn out a smart-ass!
Hello.
Yes. Don't call here again.
- Well, what happened?
- The guy sounded like he was eating.
I don't want some fat bastard
eating in my car.
Anyway, I'm going to
the doctor's this afternoon-
(Singsongy)
because I'm pregnant!
Oh. Oh. And you're picking your grandparents
up from the airport.
I'm going to tell them that...
(Singsongy) I'm pregnant!
They get in from Phoenix
at 5:00.
You know, I was hoping when they moved
to Arizona, they'd get lost in the desert.
- What's wrong with Mrs. Forman's parents?
- Nothing. They're just-
They're very complicated people who
can't be summed up in a couple of words.
- Grandma yells, Grandpa drinks.
- That pretty much summed it up.
Now, that is not true.
My father is a wonderful man...
who just gets a little sleepy.
And my mother, well- fine-
is a little remote...
which, I have learned
through many helpful books...
makes it impossible
for her to say, "I love you."
Even if it's the only thing
in the world...
a sad little girl
needs to hear.
And which is why
I say it to you every day.
Eric, I love you.
- (Kisses)
- (Chuckling)
And you too, Steven.
I love you!
Oh, yeah. No, that's okay.
You don't have to-
No, that's all right. (Grunts)
Okay, I love you too.
I can't believe that you knew Jackie and
Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
We... barely knew.
Yeah, we knew,
but we were in denial...
because it's
so unnatural.
Like radioactive spiders.
Well, that's true.
I'm- It's just-
How can Hyde do this to me?
- Uh-oh. It sounds like he knows.
- Finally.
What, your mom knew?
And Fez?
Fez never knows anything!
I know. I'm really
coming into my own.
Whatever.
You know, none of this is
as bad as Hyde not telling me.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make him tell me.
- How are you gonna do that?
- By outwitting him conversationally.
What a fine game
of cat and mouse it will be.
I'm gonna go find
an eye patch.
- So, what are you gonna say?
- Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Don't you think you should
plan it out a little?
Does an astronaut
plan out his missions?
What happens in cat and mouse
if the cat is retarded?
Oh, you just wait and see.
(Clears Throat)
- What's up?
- That's an interesting question, Hyde.
What is up?
- Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
- Ahh!
So the battle of wits
has begun!
What battle of wits? I admit it.
I've been messin' around with Jackie.
I hate you!
Ow! My eye!
Thanks again
for the dream catchers.
A blind Indian with three fingers
made those.
It was quite a thing
to watch.
Wow. I wonder
if him being blind...
had something to do
with the losing the fingers.
Actually, I think they were taken
as part of a primitive manhood ritual.
Eric, I kinda like your grandparents.
What were you so worried about?
- Wait for it.
- Burt, sweetie, I think that car is trying to pass.
- Why don't you move over?
- Oh, he's fine.
Honey, I really think
you should move over.
- Sweetie, he can go around.
- (Shouts) Move!
- I'm moving.
- (Tires Squealing)
And when he saw you guys kissing,
he just fell apart.
I mean, it was awful.
And then he ran into the screen door.
Oh, he's just so bad
at doors.
Look, if you don't
work things out with Kelso...
everybody's gonna choose sides,
and nobody's gonna be friends anymore.
Well, that's not my fault.
Look, he deserted me.
He broke my heart.
- I didn't do anything wrong.
- You're dating his best friend!
You've gotta talk to him.
You owe him an explanation.
(Groans) This is so not the way
I wanted to spend the day.
Well, I didn't wanna
spend the day...
wiping tears and pudding
off of Kelso's cheek.
Burt, honey, why don't you
come over and sit with us?
I'm fine here.
We'd really like it if you
would sit and join the party.
- I'm part of the party right here.
- (Shouts) Sit!
(Sighs)
So, Burt, you're lookin' fit.
Dry heat and central air.
That's the key.
Uh-huh.
I've even got
an air-conditioned garage.
We can go from the house to the car
without ever feeling the heat.
Wow. They literally never
have to breathe fresh air. Wow.
Who needs it?
Yep.
(Forced Chuckle)
Well, those are some
real nice sandals, Burt.
Hardly ever see those on men.
Also made by
the handicapped Indian.
What spirit.
Oh, um,
everybody's here.
- Here she is.
- Hello, Mom, Daddy.
Kitty, tell everyone
your wonderful news. Quick.
- I'd really rather not right now, Red.
- But that's why we're here.
Yeah, for the love of God,
Mom, tell them.
- No, I said not right now.
- Kitty, they came all this way.
- Yeah, come on.
- Fine. You wanna hear the big news?
The doctor told me
I started menopause.
Kitty, language!
- You're not pregnant?
- Nope. Nope.
Just barren.
Talk about that.
Mom, I'm really sorry.
I know you wanted a baby,
but I'm not really sure what to say...
mainly because I'm not
really sure what menopause is.
Are you-Are you gonna,
like, lose your hair?
Shut up!
She's not losing anything.
This just means
that from time to time-
A woman's body- (Clears Throat)
Kitty, explain it to the boy.
I'm just getting
some juice.
Hey, Mom, maybe you
should talk to Grandma about this.
Now, that's an idea.
I mean, we're just ignoramuses.
Okay, okay. Scoot.
Is it- Is it
like a lady-parts thing?
We'll look it up
in the World Book.
Oh, those cookies
look good.
Well, thanks.
Sorry I made a scene.
Oh, you were just tired.
No, I wasn't just tired.
Mom, I'm having
a really hard time here.
Did it hit you
this hard too?
- Did what, dear?
- Menopause.
(Chuckles)
I never had it.
Mom, everybody has it.
Well, I've always been
quite health conscious.
I told you to eat
more vegetables.
You cannot expect me to believe
that you never went through menopause.
- Well, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
Well, it doesn't matter,
because it's not nice to talk about.
Not everything that needs
to be talked about has to be nice.
Mom, why don't you ever
really talk to me?
I told you
I liked your cookies!
I'm gonna find your father.
(Shouts)
Burt!
Is she gone?
You know, that woman is crazy.
Your mother just doesn't know
how to talk to people.
If she yells at you...
she really means
that she's sorry you're upset.
And if she breaks
all your golf clubs...
she means
"happy anniversary."
Oh, Daddy, I love you.
I love you, punkin,
and so does your mother.
(Bea Shouts)
Burt!
- You never saw me.
- Okay.
Try to get my eye now!
(Groaning)
Hyde, get off!
Not until you calm down.
- Ah! A wet one!
- (Grunts)
Fez, I'm gonna get free eventually,
and then I'm gonna kick your ass!
(Grunting)
Kelso, look, man,
we need to settle this.
No, I don't wanna settle this!
I don't wanna talk about it!
All I wanna do is pound you
so you can feel as bad as I do!
Fine. Fair enough.
Go ahead and hit me.
Free shot.
You gonna hit me back?
No, man.
That's why they call it a free shot.
Oh. Okay.
Get ready.
Here it comes.
It's comin'.
Get ready.
We're ready.
Do it, fool!
You know what?
Forget it.
It's not gonna
change anything.
I just- Forget it.
Look, Kelso...
I didn't plan for this, but-
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm- I'm really sorry.
(Fez, Donna)
Aw!
Would you get bent?
- So what are we gonna do now?
- I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do.
(Clears Throat) You two are gonna shake
hands, and you're gonna be done with it.
No.
Come on.
Give it a try.
Shake hands.
- I don't wanna.
- (Shouts) Shake!
- (Sighs)
- Well, well. Look who it is.
Uh, look, Michael,
I'm glad I found you.
- How's your eye?
- What do you care?
Okay. Look, Michael,
I know we should've told you sooner...
but I'm not
gonna say I'm sorry...
because I wanted you,
and you left and broke my heart.
And I like Steven now...
so you need to get over it
so we can all become friends again.
Apology accepted.
(Scoffs)
Here, let me help you.
- Ow. My eye.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- How you doin'?
- Oh, great.
It's so nice to no longer
be a woman.
Kitty, that's not true.
You know, I've been tryin'
to think what I could do to-
to make you feel better,
and I finally came up with something.
I sent your parents
home early.
That kinda helps.
I just-
I really wanted to be pregnant.
You know what
the real kicker is?
This morning, when we thought
you were still pregnant...
I sold my Corvette.
(Laughing)
Memorial Day, meningitis-
Okay, here we go.
Menopause.
Good God! I didn't think
they'd have pictures.
Well, at least they use
the word "uterus" a lot.
I could've gone
a whole lifetime...
without knowing they had
a mucus membrane.
Well, you just-
You can't unlearn something
like that, you know?
Oh, no.
Look at the symptoms.
"Temperamental behavior,
mood swings, facial hair."
Uh-oh. Dad, I think
you have menopause.
Hey, Eric,
can you hand me a cookie?
No, I can't reach
while I'm driving.
- Come on. Please? Just one cookie.
- Just wait till I stop.
(Shouts)
Cookie!
You know, Donna,
you catch more flies with sugar.
Right, Burt?
(Snoring)
Why is Hyde kissin'Jackie?
What the hell?
- He's dead!
- Kelso!
Open, damn it!
No, they're gettin' away!
What is wrong
with this thing?
Well, this is against
my better judgment, but-
(Clicks)
Thank you.
Now Hyde's really dead.
Oh!
That's invisible!
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Donna,
we have to stabilize him.
We're gonna need pudding,
and lots of it.
Who chooses a chick
over a friend?
Kelso, come on. Remember when
you made me walk home in a blizzard...
'cause you wanted 10 extra minutes
to make out with Pam Macy?
No, but I didn't steal
Pam Macy from you.
And you could've played in
the snow until we were done.
Kelso, try to look
at the facts.
Jackie wanted to get married,
so you bailed...
so she found someone else,
so now she doesn't wanna marry you.
This solves your problem,
albeit with an unpleasant twist ending.
No. I don't care.
I'm kickin' Hyde's ass.
Kelso, Kelso, come on.
You couldn't open my kitchen door.
I mean-
Seriously, think about
how this plan usually turns out.
(Groans)
That's my eye!
Nice.
Aah. My eye!
(Groaning)
(Car Radio: Rock)
(Shouting)
That's my butt print! Look at it!
No two are the same!
Ow!
(Crying)
My eye!
Uh, what am I supposed to do?
He broke the code!
He's wrong!
You know what?
You're right.
He's, like, my oldest friend,
and he stabbed me in the back.
So, Kelso, how many things
around here have you put your butt on?
Let's start with what
I haven't put my butt on.
Oh, just a moment.
Red, it's somebody
about buying the Corvette.
(Grunts)
Well, Marlin, we've just seen the male
of the herd grunt his displeasure.
But what does it mean?
- The grunting indicates aggression, Jim.
- Ah!
Idiots.
I am about to sell something special to me,
because we're having another baby.
And to do that,
I have to believe...
that this child
won't turn out a smart-ass!
Hello.
Yes. Don't call here again.
- Well, what happened?
- The guy sounded like he was eating.
I don't want some fat bastard
eating in my car.
Anyway, I'm going to
the doctor's this afternoon-
(Singsongy)
because I'm pregnant!
Oh. Oh. And you're picking your grandparents
up from the airport.
I'm going to tell them that...
(Singsongy) I'm pregnant!
They get in from Phoenix
at 5:00.
You know, I was hoping when they moved
to Arizona, they'd get lost in the desert.
- What's wrong with Mrs. Forman's parents?
- Nothing. They're just-
They're very complicated people who
can't be summed up in a couple of words.
- Grandma yells, Grandpa drinks.
- That pretty much summed it up.
Now, that is not true.
My father is a wonderful man...
who just gets a little sleepy.
And my mother, well- fine-
is a little remote...
which, I have learned
through many helpful books...
makes it impossible
for her to say, "I love you."
Even if it's the only thing
in the world...
a sad little girl
needs to hear.
And which is why
I say it to you every day.
Eric, I love you.
- (Kisses)
- (Chuckling)
And you too, Steven.
I love you!
Oh, yeah. No, that's okay.
You don't have to-
No, that's all right. (Grunts)
Okay, I love you too.
I can't believe that you knew Jackie and
Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.
We... barely knew.
Yeah, we knew,
but we were in denial...
because it's
so unnatural.
Like radioactive spiders.
Well, that's true.
I'm- It's just-
How can Hyde do this to me?
- Uh-oh. It sounds like he knows.
- Finally.
What, your mom knew?
And Fez?
Fez never knows anything!
I know. I'm really
coming into my own.
Whatever.
You know, none of this is
as bad as Hyde not telling me.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna make him tell me.
- How are you gonna do that?
- By outwitting him conversationally.
What a fine game
of cat and mouse it will be.
I'm gonna go find
an eye patch.
- So, what are you gonna say?
- Oh, it'll come to me in the moment.
Don't you think you should
plan it out a little?
Does an astronaut
plan out his missions?
What happens in cat and mouse
if the cat is retarded?
Oh, you just wait and see.
(Clears Throat)
- What's up?
- That's an interesting question, Hyde.
What is up?
- Well, I guess you know about me and Jackie.
- Ahh!
So the battle of wits
has begun!
What battle of wits? I admit it.
I've been messin' around with Jackie.
I hate you!
Ow! My eye!
Thanks again
for the dream catchers.
A blind Indian with three fingers
made those.
It was quite a thing
to watch.
Wow. I wonder
if him being blind...
had something to do
with the losing the fingers.
Actually, I think they were taken
as part of a primitive manhood ritual.
Eric, I kinda like your grandparents.
What were you so worried about?
- Wait for it.
- Burt, sweetie, I think that car is trying to pass.
- Why don't you move over?
- Oh, he's fine.
Honey, I really think
you should move over.
- Sweetie, he can go around.
- (Shouts) Move!
- I'm moving.
- (Tires Squealing)
And when he saw you guys kissing,
he just fell apart.
I mean, it was awful.
And then he ran into the screen door.
Oh, he's just so bad
at doors.
Look, if you don't
work things out with Kelso...
everybody's gonna choose sides,
and nobody's gonna be friends anymore.
Well, that's not my fault.
Look, he deserted me.
He broke my heart.
- I didn't do anything wrong.
- You're dating his best friend!
You've gotta talk to him.
You owe him an explanation.
(Groans) This is so not the way
I wanted to spend the day.
Well, I didn't wanna
spend the day...
wiping tears and pudding
off of Kelso's cheek.
Burt, honey, why don't you
come over and sit with us?
I'm fine here.
We'd really like it if you
would sit and join the party.
- I'm part of the party right here.
- (Shouts) Sit!
(Sighs)
So, Burt, you're lookin' fit.
Dry heat and central air.
That's the key.
Uh-huh.
I've even got
an air-conditioned garage.
We can go from the house to the car
without ever feeling the heat.
Wow. They literally never
have to breathe fresh air. Wow.
Who needs it?
Yep.
(Forced Chuckle)
Well, those are some
real nice sandals, Burt.
Hardly ever see those on men.
Also made by
the handicapped Indian.
What spirit.
Oh, um,
everybody's here.
- Here she is.
- Hello, Mom, Daddy.
Kitty, tell everyone
your wonderful news. Quick.
- I'd really rather not right now, Red.
- But that's why we're here.
Yeah, for the love of God,
Mom, tell them.
- No, I said not right now.
- Kitty, they came all this way.
- Yeah, come on.
- Fine. You wanna hear the big news?
The doctor told me
I started menopause.
Kitty, language!
- You're not pregnant?
- Nope. Nope.
Just barren.
Talk about that.
Mom, I'm really sorry.
I know you wanted a baby,
but I'm not really sure what to say...
mainly because I'm not
really sure what menopause is.
Are you-Are you gonna,
like, lose your hair?
Shut up!
She's not losing anything.
This just means
that from time to time-
A woman's body- (Clears Throat)
Kitty, explain it to the boy.
I'm just getting
some juice.
Hey, Mom, maybe you
should talk to Grandma about this.
Now, that's an idea.
I mean, we're just ignoramuses.
Okay, okay. Scoot.
Is it- Is it
like a lady-parts thing?
We'll look it up
in the World Book.
Oh, those cookies
look good.
Well, thanks.
Sorry I made a scene.
Oh, you were just tired.
No, I wasn't just tired.
Mom, I'm having
a really hard time here.
Did it hit you
this hard too?
- Did what, dear?
- Menopause.
(Chuckles)
I never had it.
Mom, everybody has it.
Well, I've always been
quite health conscious.
I told you to eat
more vegetables.
You cannot expect me to believe
that you never went through menopause.
- Well, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
Well, it doesn't matter,
because it's not nice to talk about.
Not everything that needs
to be talked about has to be nice.
Mom, why don't you ever
really talk to me?
I told you
I liked your cookies!
I'm gonna find your father.
(Shouts)
Burt!
Is she gone?
You know, that woman is crazy.
Your mother just doesn't know
how to talk to people.
If she yells at you...
she really means
that she's sorry you're upset.
And if she breaks
all your golf clubs...
she means
"happy anniversary."
Oh, Daddy, I love you.
I love you, punkin,
and so does your mother.
(Bea Shouts)
Burt!
- You never saw me.
- Okay.
Try to get my eye now!
(Groaning)
Hyde, get off!
Not until you calm down.
- Ah! A wet one!
- (Grunts)
Fez, I'm gonna get free eventually,
and then I'm gonna kick your ass!
(Grunting)
Kelso, look, man,
we need to settle this.
No, I don't wanna settle this!
I don't wanna talk about it!
All I wanna do is pound you
so you can feel as bad as I do!
Fine. Fair enough.
Go ahead and hit me.
Free shot.
You gonna hit me back?
No, man.
That's why they call it a free shot.
Oh. Okay.
Get ready.
Here it comes.
It's comin'.
Get ready.
We're ready.
Do it, fool!
You know what?
Forget it.
It's not gonna
change anything.
I just- Forget it.
Look, Kelso...
I didn't plan for this, but-
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
I'm- I'm really sorry.
(Fez, Donna)
Aw!
Would you get bent?
- So what are we gonna do now?
- I'll tell you what you guys are gonna do.
(Clears Throat) You two are gonna shake
hands, and you're gonna be done with it.
No.
Come on.
Give it a try.
Shake hands.
- I don't wanna.
- (Shouts) Shake!
- (Sighs)
- Well, well. Look who it is.
Uh, look, Michael,
I'm glad I found you.
- How's your eye?
- What do you care?
Okay. Look, Michael,
I know we should've told you sooner...
but I'm not
gonna say I'm sorry...
because I wanted you,
and you left and broke my heart.
And I like Steven now...
so you need to get over it
so we can all become friends again.
Apology accepted.
(Scoffs)
Here, let me help you.
- Ow. My eye.
- Yeah.
Hey.
- How you doin'?
- Oh, great.
It's so nice to no longer
be a woman.
Kitty, that's not true.
You know, I've been tryin'
to think what I could do to-
to make you feel better,
and I finally came up with something.
I sent your parents
home early.
That kinda helps.
I just-
I really wanted to be pregnant.
You know what
the real kicker is?
This morning, when we thought
you were still pregnant...
I sold my Corvette.
(Laughing)
Memorial Day, meningitis-
Okay, here we go.
Menopause.
Good God! I didn't think
they'd have pictures.
Well, at least they use
the word "uterus" a lot.
I could've gone
a whole lifetime...
without knowing they had
a mucus membrane.
Well, you just-
You can't unlearn something
like that, you know?
Oh, no.
Look at the symptoms.
"Temperamental behavior,
mood swings, facial hair."
Uh-oh. Dad, I think
you have menopause.
Hey, Eric,
can you hand me a cookie?
No, I can't reach
while I'm driving.
- Come on. Please? Just one cookie.
- Just wait till I stop.
(Shouts)
Cookie!
You know, Donna,
you catch more flies with sugar.
Right, Burt?
(Snoring)