That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 20 - No Quarter - full transcript

Donna, you're so sweet for letting
Jackie live here with you while her mom is-

- You know.
- Whoring around Mexico?

Donna, that is not fair.

I think she left Mexico.

Well, you know, Jackie
and I might have fun.

- Sort of like a... slumber party.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, late-night girl talk...

hot oil massages...

and the furtive whispers of,
"We shouldn't!"

And then, "Shh! It's okay!"

- Is that all you're bringing?
- Oh, um, just a couple more small things.



- Out of the way, Jackie.
- Comin' through!

Got a buttload!

Heavy. Can't...
feel... my fingers!

- Yup!
- Ooh.

Jackie's panties!
Hey, Hyde.

If these babies could talk, I bet they could
tell some pretty good stories about me!

Yeah, I bet they'd have
a French accent too.

My girlfriend's panties, Kelso? Is that
really a road you want to go down with me?

What's that, panties?

[Chuckling]
Oh, no! I can't tell Hyde that one!

Naughty panties!

What's that, fist?
It would be my pleasure.

Here you go.
One general-issue military cot...

slightly used from my days
in the National Guard.



Well, it's good to know that the
National Guard was gettin' a good night's sleep...

while I was in the South Pacific
dodgin' bullets and using coral as toilet paper!

So- [Sighs] I don't think there's
gonna be room for everything.

Oh, Donna, sure there will.
I only brought the stuff I absolutely needed.

All right.
Where goes the horse?

Guys, if I enroll
in the police academy in the fall...

I could be bustin' heads in a year!

Freeze, dirtbag!

Wow, you did make me freeze.
[Chuckling]

But I was a dirtbag
long before you came along.

Hey. Says here you're supposed
to start getting into shape now.

No, no, that's not for me.
That's for the regular guys.

I haven't done a lap in gym class
since I had my eighth-grade growth spurt...

and Miss Brady made me
her special assistant. [Chuckles]

Guys! Look at this.
I just got another collection letter...

from the jewelry store
about Donna's engagement ring.

- I gotta get some money, or I'm screwed.
- There's a job at the hotel.

My boss would have hired ya.
Then he talked to Red.

I gotta do something.
This is a threatening letter.

"Call us immediately"?

It's-It's in all capital letters.

Look at you.
Another dirtbag dodgin' his responsibilities.

Not on my beat.
Game over, dirtbag!

[Chuckles]
Man, I wish I had some handcuffs.

Here, use mine!

I'm learnin' to do magic!

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

[Sighs]
Jackie.

I thought you were gonna
put everything away.

I did. The hardest thing was
finding room for my shoes.

But then I realized I could
just fit them inside your shoes.

Uh-huh.

Look, let's just get some sleep.
[Sighs]

- Good night.
- Good night.

## [Stereo: Women Singing Pop]

Jackie! Turn that off!

- [Groans]
- ## [Clicks Off]

See, Donna, I need music
to fall asleep.

See, I wear earplugs so
I can just barely hear it...

but it needs to be loud enough,
because I like the vibration in the bed.

So, how am I supposed
to get to sleep?

Think of something boring.
You know, like school. Or Eric.

## [Clicks On]

## [Ends]

Hey.

I sold some of my albums to get some
money for Donna's engagement ring.

Made three bucks.

Which means I am-
Let me see, carry the one, um-

Oh! Still completely screwed.

They wouldn't take
Anne Murray's Greatest Hits?

Is this whole crazy world
turning upside down?

Be nice to Anne, okay?
She's a beloved Canadian songstress.

And I'm glad they didn't take her, because-
Well, the worse I feel, the more I need her.

Why do you have money?

What'd you do, mug a Girl Scout?
[Scoffs]

No, I've been selling my albums.

Oh, I hope you didn't sell that
"Froggy Went A-courtin"' record.

You know, when we were
toilet-training Eric...

I'd say, "Does someone
need to go a-courtin'?"

And he would just run
straight off and make a jobby.

- [Laughing]
- [Chuckling]

You know, it occurs to me
that since I paid the allowance...

that bought those records
in the first place, that money's mine.

It occurs to me that possession
is 9/10ths of the law.

Keep up with the smart mouth, and my
foot'll be 9/10ths of the way up your ass.

You know, Forman,
you should write a book:

Things My Father Threatened
To Put In My Ass.

"Chapter One: His Foot."

I'd buy that.

- Ew!
- Donna, don't you knock?

Not when it's my room!

Well,
we're in here, so-

Yeah, well,
I'm in here, so-

Hey, if you want to watch,
I can get into that.

Have a seat on the horse.

- Hey, how was your weekend, Roy?
- Aw, pretty good.

Think I might have met a woman.

- Aw, that's great, man.
- She's stayin' at the hotel.

When I took butter to her table,
she looked right at me and said...

"Took you long enough."

Huh?

- [Dinging]
- All right! Here I am!

Oh, Steven, meet our
new kitchen assistant.

You hired Kelso?

Do you know how many
fires this guy's started?

Three electrical, two chemical,
and one that even surprised me.

Well, I wanted to help him out,
and he said he needed a job.

Yeah, if I'm gonna be a cop,
I gotta quit modelin', I mean-

I can't have the perps lookin'
at pictures of me half-naked.

Oh, and, uh, everywhere I work,
I like to feel at home...

so I brought a little
somethin' ofJackie's.

Okay, uh, I think that's
a health code violation.

But I'm gonna look the other way,
which is hard to do, 'cause-

Look, panties!
[Chuckling]

[Laughing]
Yeah, I burned you with the panties again!

Two days, two locations.
That burn is on tour.

[Sighs] Yeah.
[Clears Throat]

I guess Roy didn't make
things clear, but, um...

all new hires are on probation.

So at the end of the week,
I get to say whether you stay or go.

Yeah, nice try.
[Chuckles]

No, I'm serious, man.
It's all up to me.

So you might want to try
and get on my good side. [Sniffs]

- Oh, uh, excuse me.
- Yes, may I help you?

Oh. Hello, Fez.

Fenton.

- You two know each other?
- I don't want to talk about it.

- There's nothing to say.
- You can say that again.
- Don't tell me what to do.

- You'd like that, wouldn't you?
- Maybe I would!
- Then there's nothing to say!

Yeah.

Um, I have a question
about this letter.

I don't think I'm gonna be able
to make a ring payment anytime soon...

so I was wondering if we could
work out some kind of deal.

[Clicks Tongue] Fine. Here's a deal.
Come up with the money by Friday...

or bring the ring back to the store.

What? Bring the ring back?
No, I can't do that.

You can and you will.
No later than 5:00.

I have a party at 8:00.
I need the time to dress.

Eric, you're going to
want to do what he says.

I've been at the other end of Fenton's stick,
and that's not a place you want to be.

And even though, I ain?t got money,
I?m so?

Who am I kidding?

After I can't pay for Donna's ring,
no one's gonna be in love with me, honey.

Must you mock me, Anne Murray?

Kelso, because of your
panty shenanigans...

I'm banning you from the circle.

I hereby ban you!

I also hereby eat your burrito.

Hey, Hyde?
You're not the boss of me!

All right. Well, you can't
tell me what to do.

Shoot.

Well-Well, at least
I'm still my own man.

No, I'm not!

- [Door Slams]
- [Sighs]

What do you supposeJackie and Donna
are doing in the room right now?

Combing each other's hair?

Applying moisturizer to
their "all-overness"?

Oh, to be a fly in that poop.

All I know is I gotta go tell the woman I love
that the ring I gave her for all eternity...

was actually for only
six-and-a-half weeks.

Life's more complicated than one of your
simple little ditties, isn't it, Anne Murray?

Anne Murray.
[Scoffs]

- What do you know about hard times?
- ## [Ends]

[Scoffing]
Canada?

You wanna borrow our shower?

Jackie used up all our hot water
bathing her dolls.

Normally, I'd rather hose off in
the driveway than ask you for a favor...

but I'm afraid Bob'll want to act out
some car-wash fantasy.

You got me there!
[Laughs]

Come on, Jo-Jo. We can save water
if we soap up together.

And when they're done,
I'm retiling the whole damn bathroom.

Okay, so...

you're absolutely positive that
my hairnet has to be pink?

It's gotta match your apron.

You're pretty.

[Sighs] Jackie, if you're gonna stay here,
we need to set up a few ground rules.

Okay? You can't just-

What happened to
our Led Zeppelin poster?

Oh! I put up
the Captain and Tennille instead.

No, no, no, no.
No way...

is my Led Zeppelin becoming
the Captain and Tennille.

[Chuckles] Led Zeppelin wishes
they could be the Captain and Tennille.

What did you say?

Hey, Donna. Um, I need to
talk to you for a second.

- [Clears Throat]
- Um...

I have been thinking
all day-

[Sighs]
About your eyes.

[Chuckles]
What?

Yeah, your eyes. They're so beautiful
and shiny. You now what else is shiny?

This diamond ring, which has to go
back to the store because it isn't paid for.

Because you can put a price tag
on a ring, but, you know...

who can put a price tag on your eyes?
[Chuckles]

Only God, that's who.

- You're taking back my ring?
- Yeah. I'm sorry.

L-

Man, I wish there were another way,
but my dad won't let me have a job, and-

I mean, I can't make the payments.

God, I'm really sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Eric.
[Sniffles]

I mean, it doesn't change the way we feel
about each other.

[Chuckles] As long as we have that,
I don't need a silly ring.

Um, Donna...

you didn't give me the ring.

Yeah, I- I thought
you'd think I did.

[Laughs]
All right.

Donna, I promise.

- I'm gonna make this up to you.
- 'Kay.

[Sighs]
Um, Donna, you gave me a quarter.

Mmm, fine.

Hello, Mr. Forman.
And you.

- Shut your filthy mouth!
- [Gasps]

Look, here it is.
Here's the ring back.

- Oh, honey, that's paid for.
- What?

Someone came in and paid
through the end of next month.

I'm not supposed to say who,
but she sure was a pretty little number.

I guess.

You know what?
It was Donna.

I can't believe she'd go
behind my back like this!

I cannot believe that this man
would go behind my back...

and take what was given
to me by God himself.

All right. What happened
between you two anyway?

I'm too much of a man to say.

But it involved a half-off sale...

a crowded parking lot, and a pair of pants
to make my ass look like an oil painting.

If you mean, "old and cracked,"
then I agree!

- I'll see you in hell!
- Well, I'll be wearing your pants!

Okay, I'm feeling a little
"in the way" here...

so- I'm ju- I'm-
[Clears Throat]

Oh, Roy. Hey, how's it goin'
with that hotel chick...

that was all over you,
asking for butter?

[Chuckles] Well, I had this idea
to surprise her with flowers?

But when I did, she started
screamin' and hittin' me.

And I guess the lesson is,
don't hide in someone's shower.

I don't know what's
wrong with chicks, man.

If I came home and some strange girl
was in my shower...

that would be
the greatest day of my life!

Yeah!

- So, w-what are you doin'?
- Oh, Hyde's makin' me do his laundry.

Then after this, I gotta clean out
the toilets and hand-test all the mousetraps.

This probation period is killin' me.

Did Hyde tell you there
was a probation period?

Aw, man!

That guy really knows
how to enjoy life!

Wait. You mean, Hyde's
just messin' with me?

- I don't have to worry about gettin' fired?
- If I didn't get fired...

for hidin' in some woman's shower,
I think your job's secure.

[Sighs] Hey, guys. Kelso, be careful, huh?
Some of those T-shirts are delicate.

Oh, I'm- I'm sorry, man.
I'll be extra careful.

I wouldn't want to do anything
to screw up my probation period!

[Laughing]

Hey! I wanna play! Ah!

Come on, buddy.
Somebody spray me.

Hey, Hyde. Maybe you could
use these to dry off with.

[Laughs]

Probation period!
[Laughing]

Jackie read my diary, Mrs. Forman.

And she even wrote
little comments inside.

Yeah. Like, "Oh!
This could never happen."

And-And, "Donna, that guy
was whistling at me, not you."

I can't take it anymore!
I'm kicking her out.

But, Donna, the poor girl
has nowhere to stay.

She can't stay here!

She can't stay anywhere near here.

Bob was in our shower again.

This morning, I pulled something
out of our drain...

that I could not believe
came off a human body.

Oh! Donna. There you are. Okay, look.
We have to talk about your makeup collection.

ChapStick is not lipstick.

Jackie, sit down. Look. We need to talk
about you and me living together.

- Donna!
- Because it's just-

I just came from the jewelry store.
You can't pay for your own engagement ring!

This ring is from me to you,
not from me to you, paid for by you.

That's like cutting off
my bal-

...lerina shoes.

- I didn't pay for the ring.
- Fenton at the jewelry store
said a pretty little number-

Oh, my God. Mom?
You're the pretty little number.

[Laughing]

Well, I- I do like hearing that...

once in a while.

- But i-i-it wasn't me.
- Well, I don't know, Dad...

some men might consider you-

- You just can't stop talkin', can you?
- Eric, I paid for the ring.

- What?
- What?

Look, Donna, I read in your diary...

that you think I'm kind of
hard to live with, and...

well, I realized you were right.

And I wanted to show you
that I know, and I'm sorry.

- And, well, thank you.
- Huh.

Well, gosh, Jackie,
how very sweet, and...

uncharacteristic of you.

Well, I know how much
you love that ring...

and I wanted to do something nice.

- Wow, thanks.
- [Chuckles]

You know, Jackie, some people,
if they want to be nice...

they just actually start being nicer
on a day-to-day basis.

Yeah, I figured it'd be
easier to write a check.

- Jackie! Jackie!
- Hmm?

I heard something underneath my bed.

- Fez?
- [Imitating Cat] Meow!

Fez, the cat's outside.

[Imitating Dog]
Woof, woof?

Please, let me stay.
I promise I won't make a sound.

Well, I do make some sounds,
but they're happy sounds!