That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 21 - Trampled Under Foot - full transcript

I'm telling you, the government has a car
that runs on water, man.

They just don't want us to know,
because then we'd buy all the water.

Then there'd be nothing left
to drink but beer.

And the government knows
that beer... will set us free.

Hyde, you told us about
the car a million times.

Can we please talk about
how hungry and horny I am?

I wish I had a lady
made of pizza.

Or a pizza made of boobs!

Yeah, hungry, check.
Horny, check.

It's getting a little old, Fez.

God, I feel like
I'm Luke Skywalker, you know?



Remember when he was living
on Tatooine before R2 and 3PO showed up?

Just workin' on Uncle Owen's
water farm all day.

Not even allowed to go into Toshie Station
to pick up some power converters.

Boring.

Eric, enough with
the Star Wars crap!

Whenever you talk about
that stuff, I frown.

And when I frown,
my skin wrinkles.

And if I get wrinkles,
my free ride is over.

And I like my free ride!

Yeah, we get it.
You're good looking.

Look, doesn't anybody have
anything new to say?

So there's this car
that runs on water, man.

It runs on water, man!

Okay, Nina,
I brought you the special.



One small soda,
one medium popcorn...

and one large Fez,
dark and sweet.

Fez, you know I've had a lot
of fun hanging out with you.

Hey, 37 times of fun,
to be exact.

It would've been 38, but you know-
And then again, I apologize.

Now enjoy your meal. If you need me,
I'll be smelling your neck.

Fe-Fez, I'm starting to feel
like I need some space.

But I want you to know
it's not you, it's me.

Okay. Well, I guess tonight I'll be doing
number 12,377 of the other thing.

That's sort of gross.

Hey, it may be gross,
but that's the way I learned how to count.

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Six Million Dollar Man.

That's like a $20 jumpsuit
and a $4 haircut.

Mmm. Where did
all the money go?

I think we've seen
this episode. Yeah.

And we were sitting in these exact
same seats when we saw it.

Actually, you were sitting
over there.

I remember, 'cause I
could see up your skirt.

You guys, we do the exact
same thing every day.

TV, snack, nap.
It's-

You know what? This isn't a basement.
This is a nursing home.

I know something new we could do.
Jackie, Donna, get naked.

The rest of you guys back off
and give us some room.

- Hello, friends of Fez.
- Hi. Where's Nina?

She don't wanna hang out with me tonight.
She said she needed space.

- [All] Ooh!
- Uh-oh.

That's the same sound you guys made when I
told you I was gonna grow my bangs out.

Fez, when a girl says she needs space,
that means that she's dumping you.

You don't understand.
She said it was her and not me.

- [All] Oh!
- That ain't good.

- Oh, what's the big deal?
- Oh, man, I can't tell him.

This is a job for someone
who's cold, heartless and just inhuman.

Jackie, go for it.

Fez, when a girl says,
"It's not you, it's me"...

what she really means
is it's you.

- So I have really been dumped.
- [Hyde] Yep.

And here's another tip. When a girl says
she just wants to be friends...

it means she wants you to do stuff for her,
but she's not gonna put out.

So, you know,
heads-up on that one.

Yep. Women'll screw you over
every chance they get.

That and breast-feeding.
It just comes natural to 'em.

So, Hadji's girlfriend
finally came to her senses.

What happened? She didn't
wanna be a fifth wife?

[Laughing]

- Hadji.
- All right.

Well, it's her loss.
The girls in my Friday night cribbage game...

will be thrilled
to have Fez back at the table.

You know what?
At least Fez has a social life. Look at us.

We're hanging out
with my parents.

Yeah, about that.
Feel free to get the hell out.

Well, we can do better
than this.

You guys, we're gonna graduate
in two months...

and there is a whole town
out there just waiting for us.

We just have to, you know,
grab the bull by the horns.

Okay, but I tell you this
from experience.

If we're gonna mess with the bull,
we better have an escape plan.

Well, what are the popular kids
doing tonight?

Well, I'll bet they're not hanging around
with their parents...

giving them snarky looks.

I remember when
the Brady kids got bored...

and then that fat kid Oliver showed up.
[Chuckles]

It just all turned around.
They got in a pie fight and everything.

You know what?
Kelso might actually be onto something.

Maybe we should look for
someone new to hang out with.

All right!
We're gettin' a fat kid!

You know, instead
of adding someone...

maybe you should think about
weeding out a few.

Like you and you and... you.

- I'm your son.
- I can't play favorites.

You know, if you're looking for a new friend,
how about Lance Crawford?

He's such a nice boy.

Mom, Lance Crawford and I
hate each other.

You're just obsessed with getting
his mother's peach cobbler recipe.

Well, what kind of a woman
keeps a recipe a secret?

If that recipe were the polio vaccine,
we'd all be in wheelchairs!

I don't like Lance Crawford. He's always
staring at me in this really creepy way.

And this one time,
I saw him fiddling around in my locker.

When I opened it, there was a rose inside,
and my gym socks were missing.

Donna, a little advice.
You're not gonna want those socks back.

I can't think of anyone new
I wanna hang out with.

All the girls I know
are either too snobby or too slutty.

Yeah, I'm not good with the snobs,
but slutty's my bread and butter.

You know, what we need are people
with stuff to offer, like Mark Herman.

He's got that dirt bike.
I always liked him.

- Sold it last week.
- That punk. He's out.

Hey, Carrie Gerber
has a trampoline.

Carrie Gerber also has
a big, hairy mole.

I don't wanna be bouncing around
and get tangled up in that.

Eric. Eric.

Honey, there's someone here
to see you.

Mom, if it's another one of Dad's
Marine Corps recruiters, I'm gonna run away.

I swear.

Lance Crawford? Mom!

Hello, Eric. Your father and I
were just discussing...

how unrealistically space travel
is portrayed in Star Wars.

It was a long time ago,
in a galaxy far, far away.

- You either buy it or you don't.
- What a lively conversation. [Laughing]

- I'll get some sodas.
- No, please. Allow me.

Why don't you stay here and chat with
Mr. Unrealistic Space Travel.

Yes, I'd love to explain
the practical impossibility...

of the so-called light saber.

You son of a bi-

Red alert, you guys. Red alert!
Lance Crawford is in the building!

- I'm gettin' the hell outta here!
- [Jackie] Wait, wait, wait.

- What if he sees us sneaking out?
- Oh, Donna...

leave one of your socks behind.
[Groans]

What? It'll distract him.

Nina, I thought we were so happy together.
What happened?

Fez, right now I'm at
a point in-

Oh, cut the crap, heartbreaker.

I want the truth!

Okay, the truth is
you're too needy.

Too needy?

I'm sorry, but a man
in his sexual prime has needs.

And you are lucky to have such
a stallion at your disposal.

No, your needs are fine.

It's your neediness
that's the problem.

- Then why didn't you say that?
- I didn't want you to make a scene.

You didn't want me
to make a scene?

You didn't want me
to make a scene?

Ha!

You dump Fez! I dump fries!
There's your scene!

Here's a dollar.
Sorry about the scene.

Oh, poor Fez.
Too depressed to leave his room.

- That's it. You guys, we gotta cheer him up.
- Knock first.

If Fez is alone,
I'm guessing he's not wearing pants.

Oh, awesome!
Wait. Let's catch him.

- Oh, wow.
- Wow!

Check out all this great stuff.

Oh, my God.
Is that a race-car bed?

- I call shotgun!
- Ay!

Oh! Fezzie, come on out.

I can't.
I'm not wearing pants.

Told you!

Nina told me why she dumped me.
She said I was too needy.

Am I too needy?
Tell me! I need to know!

Fez, I'm sorry, man.

You're the definition
of needy.

Remember, one time,
you called me at 3:00 in the morning...

just to make sure
we were still friends?

Look, if you wanna get Nina back,
you gotta act like you don't care.

- But I don't know how to do that.
- Well, we can help you.

Oh! We'll rebuild you
like the Six Million Dollar Man!

Fez One to Control.
We have liftoff.

All systems are go.

Proceed to eat candy.

- [Klaxon Blaring]
- Uh-oh. Emergency! Emergency!

We are breaking up.
I repeat, Nina and I are breaking up.

[Kelso's Voice]
Fez, a teenager, a boy with needs.

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
We have the technology.

[Hyde's Voice] We can make him more
appealing to Nina by making him less needy.

[Grunting]

We can make him cooler,
suaver, aloofer.

"Aloofer"?
Is that even a word?

We can make it one.
We have the technology.

[Scoffs]

- Initiate female reaction sequence.
- Release the girls.

Hey, Fez, looking good.

Love the outfit.
Totally bionic.

You mean nothing to me.

Oh, no.

He's no longer needy.

And because of that,
I want him even more.

[All]
Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

- Terrific job.
- [All] Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

- Whoa. Doctor.
- Whoa.

Doctor.

Oh, I see.
In order to get Nina...

I have to act
like I don't need her.

Well, fine.
I don't need Nina.

I don't need women.

- I don't need anything!
- [All] Oh!

Eric sure is taking an awfully long time
with those sodas.

[Laughing]

I'm sure it's no reflection
on you, Lance.

He probably just wants to make sure
a good friend like you...

gets the freshest soda
available.

I know Eric doesn't like me,
Mrs. Forman.

I only came over for the chance
to see my beautiful Donna.

And after I make
my fortune in robots...

I'm gonna come back to this Podunk town and
buy whatever flour mill Eric is working at...

fire him,
and make Donna my wife.

You're a creepy kid.
You know that?

Mrs. Forman, I think we both know
the real reason you invited me over here.

You're after Mother's coveted
peach cobbler recipe, no?

Your mom makes peach cobbler?
I had no idea.

Please, let's speak frankly.

I have something you want,
and you have something I want.

W-We're not in a- in a position
to just give you Donna.

We could give you Eric.

Mother tasted your stuffing
at the Thanksgiving Turkey Trot...

and ever since then
she's wanted the recipe.

I've been instructed
to arrange a swap.

Don't you have any weird friends
to play with?

Friends are for the weak.

Okay, you guys.
MeetJulie.

She's got two horses,
a brand-new Firebird...

and her dad works
for Six Flags!

[All]
Hello, Julie!

Hey, Hyde.
Love your hair.

You can touch it if you want.

Oh, get lost, skankoid.
We're all full.

Damn, Jackie!
She's got a Firebird and two horses!

We could've raced 'em!

All right. That's it.
I'm gonna go askJake Bradley.

I know. We've all been thinking it,
but no one's had the guts to ask him...

'cause he's the quarterback,
and we're a bunch of jelly heads.

But you know what I say?
I say we shoot for the stars.

And that star is Jake Bradley!
Jake Bradley!

All right, Fez. There's Nina.
Now remember, you're a new man.

You don't need her
or anything else.

- Got it. I am cooler, suaver, aloofer.
- There you go.

- Oh, hi, Fez.
- Oh, you wish, baby.

Why don't you take your "Hi, Fez" act
and try it on someone else?

'Cause I don't need it.

- Nice work, Fez.
- Shut up. I don't need your accolades.

How can you give away
your stuffing recipe, Kitty?

It's the one thing that we have
that's better than everyone else's.

Our house? Crappier.

Our son? Crappier.

Our stuffing? Better!

[Groans]

Okay, Lance.
Here you go.

Excellent.
Mother will be most pleased.

Oh, you be sure to say hi.
Such a nice lady.

Please, Mrs. Forman,
there's no need to keep up the charade.

Fine. She's cold.
Get out.

I just want you to know
that I don't need these fries.

I choose to eat them
because I desire their salty taste.

Please, just take the fries.

You need me to take them,
don't you? Needy bastard.

Hi, Fez.
Can I talk to you?

Oh, you need permission,
do you?

I think I was a little too hasty
breaking up with you.

- Really?
- Yes. I like the new Fez.

- What about the old Fez?
- Not so much.

You know what, Nina?

There's only one Fez...

and that is a Fez with needs.

And if you don't like that,
then we shouldn't be together.

- But, Fez, I-
- Shh!

Sorry, baby.
It's over.

Oh, and, Nina, it's not me,
it's you.

Ladies ofThe Hub...

why do we try to act
like we have no needs?

I have needs.

For instance, I need a date
for Saturday night. Any takers?

You, blondie.
You there, with the glasses.

What about the redhead
trying to cover her face?

12,378, here I come.

Hey. So I went to see
Jake Bradley-

You mean- [Imitating Eric]
Jake Bradley?

Yes. To see if he
wanted to hang out.

And you know what
Mr. Cool Guy was doing?

Just hanging out in his basement
with his friends...

and they were watching
The Six Million Dollar Man.

It was eerie.

Was there a skinny guy
dating this really hot chick...

who's way out of his league?

You know, there was.

Wait. Does this mean
we're not gettin' a fat kid to play with?

No, man.
We don't need anyone else.

You know what? We've only got
two months until graduation...

and we can't waste
a second of that.

Forman's right.
Let's seize the day, man.

Hey, weren't we supposed
to seize something, man?

You know what
the Six Million Dollar Man should have?

A bionic nose.

You could smell everything!

Guys, all I know is that we
should really appreciate this...

'cause I don't think we're gonna be able
to do this in college.

This peach cobbler is amazing!

Now, who would leave a whole pan
of peach cobbler just sitting on a counter?

See? We don't need anyone else.

We have lots of interesting
things to say. Right?

Hey, there's this car
that runs on water.

It runs on water, man!

- [Laughing]
- [Imitating Engine Revving]

Careful. I know it looks like a race car,
but it's really a bed.

Please don't make a mess.
The maid doesn't come until Thursday.

Watch it! That is a present
from my cousin in Hong Kong.

Who has been dropping
Milk Duds on my carpet?

Who has been dropping
Milk Duds on my carpet?

Screw this.
I'm going to Eric's.

[Jackie Yells, Laughs]