That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 19 - Bring It on Home - full transcript
The Formans thought they heard a burglar- it's Hyde and Jackie sleeping on the basement couch-bed, because her mother has left too. Red discovers Eric sleeps in the bare and starts calling the boy 'Mr. Nude' thrice in every sentence. Donna regrets pleading Jackie should be helped when Red stops Kitty volunteering as usual and Bob decides to invite her to share Donna's room. Against everyone's advice as he makes a bad first impression, Fez gets a beauty treatment from Kelso and goes to meet lover Nina's parents, who are friendly till he states being her boyfriend, then is rejected as not white enough.
[Snoring]
- [Clattering]
- [Mutters]
It's the A-bomb!
Duck and cover!
I bet Eric's trying to sneak out.
Red, Red. Wait. Wait.
What if it's a burglar?
What's a burglar
gonna steal from us?
My Shirley Temple figurines.
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have told
Liz Anderson about them.
- Her nephew's been in jail, you know.
- [Schotzie Whimpers]
Oh! Look at this.
Some guard dog. You know,
we could be trampled by Mongolians.
This thing wouldn't
even wag its tail.
Hey. I-I-I heard a scary noise.
Good God. Are you nude?
No.
- I'm wearing my toga.
- [Clatter/ng]
- [Gasps] There it is again.
- That's it. I'm gettin' my bat.
All right. Calm down. It's probably
just Steven trying to sneak out.
What if it's not Steven?
What if the burglar has Steven?
Well, then we'll try to talk him
into taking Eric too.
- Okay. Let's do this.
- Look at him.
Bare-assed and holding
a plastic bat.
That's your son, Kitty.
What kind of burglar
robs people on a weeknight?
Doesn't he have a job
to go to in the morning?
- [Kitty] Jackie?
- [Red] What the hell?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Forman, are you naked?
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Who the hell do you think you are...
bringing a girl into my house
in the middle of the night?
And right in our basement. We keep
our Christmas decorations down there.
BabyJesus was watching.
- I told you to look where you were going.
- What idiot...
leaves a LEGO set
right in front of the door?
You knocked over
my space command center?
I spent three hours building that.
All right. Now what
is going on in my basement?
Jackie's been sleeping here
the last couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks? This is not
the Playboy Mansion, you know.
- Look, nothing was going on.
- Nothing was going on?
Um, space command centers
were ruined!
Would you please
go put some pants on?
This is where I eat.
Jackie's only been staying here
'cause her dad's in jail...
- and her mom's still not back yet.
- Steven! That's private.
Your mom's not back yet?
You told me she came home.
Could we not talk about this?
I'm fine. Okay? Everything is fine.
- If you need a place-
- No, no, no. I don't need anything.
I'm only here 'cause...
I am such a tramp.
So, I should just go home
and try to control my dirty urges.
Jackie, you're not going home.
There's nobody there.
All right. Look, Jackie.
Tonight you can sleep in Laurie's room...
and then tomorrow, we'll
track down your floozy mother.
Honey, do you have any idea
where she might be?
Well, the last postcard I got had a picture
of some guy with a bone through his nose.
What is that, like, Tennessee?
Hey, Donna.
This just in:
Your weirdo boyfriend
sleeps in the nude.
Yeah? So? I do too.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, I can see it now.
And it is glorious.
Excuse me.
Jackie, I can't believe
your parents are gone.
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay, everybody needs to stop worrying about me.
I'm fine.
I mean, how could I not be?
Mrs. Forman did my hair
and made me smiley-faced pancakes.
Eric, this house is like a shabby hotel
with really great service.
Oh, hey, while you're visiting,
here's my LEGO set and a picture...
of the space command center.
Okay? Get building.
I swear to God, if my three-man escape pod
doesn't fit the star bay...
heads are gonna roll.
I have a question.
If Hyde was in Hyde's bed...
and Jackie was in Hyde's bed...
what exactly was going on
in said bed?
Nothing. She needed
a place to sleep.
"Needed a place to sleep."
Well, a bed is an interesting choice,
now, wouldn't you say?
Oh, shut up, Michael.
It's not like we were doing it.
Oh, come on, Jackie.
You can't sleep in the same bed
with someone and not be doing it.
I've fallen asleep not doin' it
and woken up doin' it.
And that's why they won't
put him to sleep at the dentist.
Guys, I don't know what's
going on with Nina.
I keep asking to meet her parents,
but she keeps making excuses.
It's probably the same reason
I won't let you meet my parents.
She's afraid you're gonna say
something weird and embarrass her.
Oh, please. I'm a hot-looking,
smooth-talking, frisky-assed son-of-a-bitch.
Hey, Fez. Right there.
That's, like-
That's, like, a really weird thing to say.
Yeah, I mean, we're used to you,
but, dude, you're weird.
For Nina to let you
meet her parents-
I think what Kelso's
trying to say is that...
maybe you don't make
the best first impression.
Like, remember the first
time you met my parents?
- Mom, Dad, this is Fez.
- Well, hello there.
He did what?
Yeah, and then it actually got
even more disturbing.
Get this creepy bastard off me!
I never heard that story.
So how was Forman's mom?
Well, at first she was giving me nothing,
but by the end...
she was giving me something.
Yeah! She's spunky!
- Man, I'd kiss your mom.
- Oh, my God.
How could Jackie's mother
abandon her only child?
I have half a mind
to take this public.
[Gasps]
We could go on Donahue.
No. Go on Carson. He's funnier.
One time, the animal guy was on...
his parrot dooked
right on Johnny's head.
Dad, I think you're
missing the point.
We need to find Jackie
someplace to stay, you know...
where she won't be all alone.
I can get her a room
at the hotel I work at.
No, Jackie is not staying in a hotel.
We have an empty room right here.
Kitty, every time we have an empty room,
you wanna fill it up with a stray child.
You're like the old lady
who lived in a shoe.
Did you just call me "old"?
Okay. Okay.
Here's what I th/nk.
Oh, hey, everybody!
Mr. Nude has an opinion.
I'm sure we're all interested
in what Mr. Nude has to say.
Floor's all yours...
Mr. Nude.
- Never mind.
- I guess he was just thinkin'...
about bein' nude.
What is wrong with you people?
There is nothing funny about a teenaged girl
whose mother abandoned her.
You know, we're aIIJackie's got.
We can't just turn our backs on her.
Donna, you're right.
You teIIJackie she can stay with us.
What? No. No, she can't
stay with us.
- Sure. She can stay in your room with you.
- But-
Oh, you're all gonna pay for this!
I can't believe my dad's making me ask
Jackie to move in with us.
This is gonna be a nightmare.
"Donna, where's your spirit?"
"Donna, you're still hungry?"
"Donna, your lumberjack head
is blocking out the sun." [Whining Scoff]
You know, I'm not too big.
She is too small.
Okay, just for the record...
I don't sleep nude
for any disgusting reason.
I'm just a hot sleeper.
Okay, I'm not a hot sleeper.
I'm 17 years old.
I sleep right next door to the girl I love.
Things occur to me. Okay?
If I'm already nude, you know-
It just saves time.
Guys, Nina agreed
to let me meet her parents.
And to seem completely normal...
I've come up with the perfect opening line
for Nina's mother.
[Clears Throat]
"Hello, Mrs. Bartel.
I can see where Nina
gets her lovely ass."
You're so weird, man.
You know what?
There's a way around that.
I'm gonna make you so beautiful...
that Nina's parents don't notice
how freakin' weird you are.
Bein' beautiful-That's how
I get away with stuff.
Except my problem is
I gotta tone it down...
'cause otherwise the chick's
mom gets interested.
Then we got a big problem.
Let's make you man-pretty.
[No Audible Dialogue]
Okay. I've been thinking
about what to do with Jackie.
I think we're overlooking
the mobile home option.
Okay? You could park her
right in the driveway...
and we'll all know she's safe
in her own little, steel box.
Donna, you have to let her
stay with you.
Come on.
She's your best friend.
She's not my best friend.
Well, then, who's your best friend?
Oh, crap! How the hell
did that happen?
Oh, look. Mr. Nude is helping.
Mr. Nude, huh?
That was my nickname in college.
Dad, you didn't go to college.
Didn't stop me
from gettin' a nickname.
You all gonna be here for this?
I don't thinkJackie's gonna be cool with that.
Well, Steven,
everybody needs support.
Like this one time,
I left the supermarket in a really bad mood...
and then I met these very nice people,
the Hare Krishnas.
They sang me a song.
They gave me some rice.
It was just the little pickup
I needed.
You know, if I hadn't had to make dinner,
I might've gotten into their van.
[Laughing]
Yeah, those freaks
were hasslin' me once too.
So when they weren't lookin',
I stole five boxes ofThin Mints.
Kelso, those were Girl Scouts.
Whatever, man.
They were pushy.
Here comes Jackie.
Well, I think this is a big mistake.
When this blows up in your face,
don't come lookin' for me.
I'll be bustin' up Forman's
space station again.
Jackie! Jackie, Donna has something
she wants to ask you.
- Donna.
- [Clears Throat]
So, Jackie, we were all thinking...
that you might come
stay with me for awhile...
since you're having
such a hard time right now.
God! I'm so sick of this!
I don't have hard times!
I'm Jackie Burkhart.
I got voted head cheerleader...
by the largest margin
in cheerleader history.
I have a wonderful life.
- Yeah, but, Jackie, your dad's in prison,
and your mom-
- I'm sorry, Donna...
but you're just not popular
enough for me to live with.
[Scoffs]
I'm not popular enough?
I was doing you a favor,
'cause I felt bad for you.
Well, don't. Okay? I don't need to be
your good deed for the day.
Fine. There's the door. Don't let it hit
your popular, little butt on the way out.
F-Fine.
Well, that was pretty hot.
And that is how you make a canoe
out of banana skins.
Oh!
They love me. See?
There's nothing to worry about.
- Great. Then we should get going.
- Oh! Oh! Don't go.
Oh, it's such a pleasure having
someone so exotic in our home.
We're so happy that Nina
has made a friend of you, Fez.
Well, maybe it's because I'm so handsome
and not at all creepy.
And, by the way, I see where
Nina gets her lovely ass.
[All Laughing]
Hey, I was talking to you,
Mr. Bartel.
Oh, my!
Honey, you are really broadening
your horizons.
Having a friend like this is gonna look great
on your college application.
Yes. We always enjoy
meeting Nina's friends.
You keep calling me her "friend."
Don't you mean, her "boyfriend"?
[Stammering]
Boyfriend?
[Laughing]
- What's so funny?
- You can't be her boyfriend.
- Why not?
- Because you're-What's the word, honey?
- "Different"?
- Okay. Different.
Oh, I see.
- You mean, "not white."
- Fez, no.
I think I'll be leaving now.
Good day.
- Fez, wait.
- I said, "Good day."
By the way, I hope you do not
have a good day.
And then when I asked her to live with me,
she said I'm not freakin' popular.
Am I not on the radio
all the time as "Hot Donna"?
Okay? There are "Hot Donna" posters
all over town, objectifying me.
Is Jackie being objectified?
No!
She only said that 'cause you embarrassed
her in a roomful of people.
It was like a damn telethon in there.
The only thing missing was Jerry Lewis.
So, what, it's my fault,
'cause I didn't ask her right?
Okay. How about when your mom left?
Think how you would've felt
if you walked into a roomful of people...
everyone's talking about how sad
your life is and how much they pity you.
- Yeah. I guess I get that.
- I'm just sayin' that...
Jackie needs a place to stay,
and it'd be really cool...
if you can ask her in a way
that doesn't make her feel bad.
[Groans]
Fine.
But she didn't have to
call me "unpopular." Okay?
Unpopular girls don't get free Slurpees
from Tommy at the 7-Eleven.
Donna, two years ago, Tommy tried to jump
a school bus on his moped.
He didn't make it,
and now he gives everyone free Slurpees.
So you see, Jackie, the reason I asked you
to stay with me before...
is because, well, you were right.
I am unpopular.
Go on.
I'm, um, too tall...
and-and red hair is gross.
And, well, if I don't
do something soon...
my unpopularity is gonna
follow me to college-
unless you help.
Please come stay with me.
Jackie-
[Haltingly]
Help me be more like you.
Well, as long as everybody knows
I'm doing it for you...
- I'll do it.
- Great.
Hey, Donna. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Okay. First things first.
If you wanna be more popular,
you're gonna have to break up with Eric.
What?
You know, I have been called many
names since coming to this country...
but I have never been
treated like that before.
Look, Fez...
unfortunately, there are
some people in this world...
that are gonna judge you
on the color of your skin...
or your funny accent...
or that girlie little way you run.
But you know what?
You're not alone.
Why do you think
the Martians won't land here?
'Cause they're green, and they know people
are gonna make fun of'em.
You said it, brother.
I just wish there were someplace
in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Huh.
Well, that's Canada.
Yup.
Good old Canada.
They don't make
generalizations about people...
'cause they're too busy
playing hockey or gettin' drunk...
or putting maple syrup on their ham.
- Fez, we need to talk.
- Hey! He might not be from this country...
but he's beautiful, damn it!
Nina, our relationship is over.
My self-respect demands it...
and there's nothing you can say
to make me change my mind.
My parents are jerks. I wanna get back
at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Except that.
Thanks, Kelso.
[Clanging]
Fire! Fire!
- What are you doing?
- Well, look at this.
Mr. Nude is still nude.
- You're nuts.
- Wow.
Strong words from Mr. Nude.
We're doin' this every night
until you put on some bottoms.
[Clanging]
Fire!
Fire!
- [Clattering]
- [Mutters]
It's the A-bomb!
Duck and cover!
I bet Eric's trying to sneak out.
Red, Red. Wait. Wait.
What if it's a burglar?
What's a burglar
gonna steal from us?
My Shirley Temple figurines.
Oh, I knew I shouldn't have told
Liz Anderson about them.
- Her nephew's been in jail, you know.
- [Schotzie Whimpers]
Oh! Look at this.
Some guard dog. You know,
we could be trampled by Mongolians.
This thing wouldn't
even wag its tail.
Hey. I-I-I heard a scary noise.
Good God. Are you nude?
No.
- I'm wearing my toga.
- [Clatter/ng]
- [Gasps] There it is again.
- That's it. I'm gettin' my bat.
All right. Calm down. It's probably
just Steven trying to sneak out.
What if it's not Steven?
What if the burglar has Steven?
Well, then we'll try to talk him
into taking Eric too.
- Okay. Let's do this.
- Look at him.
Bare-assed and holding
a plastic bat.
That's your son, Kitty.
What kind of burglar
robs people on a weeknight?
Doesn't he have a job
to go to in the morning?
- [Kitty] Jackie?
- [Red] What the hell?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Forman, are you naked?
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
Who the hell do you think you are...
bringing a girl into my house
in the middle of the night?
And right in our basement. We keep
our Christmas decorations down there.
BabyJesus was watching.
- I told you to look where you were going.
- What idiot...
leaves a LEGO set
right in front of the door?
You knocked over
my space command center?
I spent three hours building that.
All right. Now what
is going on in my basement?
Jackie's been sleeping here
the last couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks? This is not
the Playboy Mansion, you know.
- Look, nothing was going on.
- Nothing was going on?
Um, space command centers
were ruined!
Would you please
go put some pants on?
This is where I eat.
Jackie's only been staying here
'cause her dad's in jail...
- and her mom's still not back yet.
- Steven! That's private.
Your mom's not back yet?
You told me she came home.
Could we not talk about this?
I'm fine. Okay? Everything is fine.
- If you need a place-
- No, no, no. I don't need anything.
I'm only here 'cause...
I am such a tramp.
So, I should just go home
and try to control my dirty urges.
Jackie, you're not going home.
There's nobody there.
All right. Look, Jackie.
Tonight you can sleep in Laurie's room...
and then tomorrow, we'll
track down your floozy mother.
Honey, do you have any idea
where she might be?
Well, the last postcard I got had a picture
of some guy with a bone through his nose.
What is that, like, Tennessee?
Hey, Donna.
This just in:
Your weirdo boyfriend
sleeps in the nude.
Yeah? So? I do too.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, I can see it now.
And it is glorious.
Excuse me.
Jackie, I can't believe
your parents are gone.
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay, everybody needs to stop worrying about me.
I'm fine.
I mean, how could I not be?
Mrs. Forman did my hair
and made me smiley-faced pancakes.
Eric, this house is like a shabby hotel
with really great service.
Oh, hey, while you're visiting,
here's my LEGO set and a picture...
of the space command center.
Okay? Get building.
I swear to God, if my three-man escape pod
doesn't fit the star bay...
heads are gonna roll.
I have a question.
If Hyde was in Hyde's bed...
and Jackie was in Hyde's bed...
what exactly was going on
in said bed?
Nothing. She needed
a place to sleep.
"Needed a place to sleep."
Well, a bed is an interesting choice,
now, wouldn't you say?
Oh, shut up, Michael.
It's not like we were doing it.
Oh, come on, Jackie.
You can't sleep in the same bed
with someone and not be doing it.
I've fallen asleep not doin' it
and woken up doin' it.
And that's why they won't
put him to sleep at the dentist.
Guys, I don't know what's
going on with Nina.
I keep asking to meet her parents,
but she keeps making excuses.
It's probably the same reason
I won't let you meet my parents.
She's afraid you're gonna say
something weird and embarrass her.
Oh, please. I'm a hot-looking,
smooth-talking, frisky-assed son-of-a-bitch.
Hey, Fez. Right there.
That's, like-
That's, like, a really weird thing to say.
Yeah, I mean, we're used to you,
but, dude, you're weird.
For Nina to let you
meet her parents-
I think what Kelso's
trying to say is that...
maybe you don't make
the best first impression.
Like, remember the first
time you met my parents?
- Mom, Dad, this is Fez.
- Well, hello there.
He did what?
Yeah, and then it actually got
even more disturbing.
Get this creepy bastard off me!
I never heard that story.
So how was Forman's mom?
Well, at first she was giving me nothing,
but by the end...
she was giving me something.
Yeah! She's spunky!
- Man, I'd kiss your mom.
- Oh, my God.
How could Jackie's mother
abandon her only child?
I have half a mind
to take this public.
[Gasps]
We could go on Donahue.
No. Go on Carson. He's funnier.
One time, the animal guy was on...
his parrot dooked
right on Johnny's head.
Dad, I think you're
missing the point.
We need to find Jackie
someplace to stay, you know...
where she won't be all alone.
I can get her a room
at the hotel I work at.
No, Jackie is not staying in a hotel.
We have an empty room right here.
Kitty, every time we have an empty room,
you wanna fill it up with a stray child.
You're like the old lady
who lived in a shoe.
Did you just call me "old"?
Okay. Okay.
Here's what I th/nk.
Oh, hey, everybody!
Mr. Nude has an opinion.
I'm sure we're all interested
in what Mr. Nude has to say.
Floor's all yours...
Mr. Nude.
- Never mind.
- I guess he was just thinkin'...
about bein' nude.
What is wrong with you people?
There is nothing funny about a teenaged girl
whose mother abandoned her.
You know, we're aIIJackie's got.
We can't just turn our backs on her.
Donna, you're right.
You teIIJackie she can stay with us.
What? No. No, she can't
stay with us.
- Sure. She can stay in your room with you.
- But-
Oh, you're all gonna pay for this!
I can't believe my dad's making me ask
Jackie to move in with us.
This is gonna be a nightmare.
"Donna, where's your spirit?"
"Donna, you're still hungry?"
"Donna, your lumberjack head
is blocking out the sun." [Whining Scoff]
You know, I'm not too big.
She is too small.
Okay, just for the record...
I don't sleep nude
for any disgusting reason.
I'm just a hot sleeper.
Okay, I'm not a hot sleeper.
I'm 17 years old.
I sleep right next door to the girl I love.
Things occur to me. Okay?
If I'm already nude, you know-
It just saves time.
Guys, Nina agreed
to let me meet her parents.
And to seem completely normal...
I've come up with the perfect opening line
for Nina's mother.
[Clears Throat]
"Hello, Mrs. Bartel.
I can see where Nina
gets her lovely ass."
You're so weird, man.
You know what?
There's a way around that.
I'm gonna make you so beautiful...
that Nina's parents don't notice
how freakin' weird you are.
Bein' beautiful-That's how
I get away with stuff.
Except my problem is
I gotta tone it down...
'cause otherwise the chick's
mom gets interested.
Then we got a big problem.
Let's make you man-pretty.
[No Audible Dialogue]
Okay. I've been thinking
about what to do with Jackie.
I think we're overlooking
the mobile home option.
Okay? You could park her
right in the driveway...
and we'll all know she's safe
in her own little, steel box.
Donna, you have to let her
stay with you.
Come on.
She's your best friend.
She's not my best friend.
Well, then, who's your best friend?
Oh, crap! How the hell
did that happen?
Oh, look. Mr. Nude is helping.
Mr. Nude, huh?
That was my nickname in college.
Dad, you didn't go to college.
Didn't stop me
from gettin' a nickname.
You all gonna be here for this?
I don't thinkJackie's gonna be cool with that.
Well, Steven,
everybody needs support.
Like this one time,
I left the supermarket in a really bad mood...
and then I met these very nice people,
the Hare Krishnas.
They sang me a song.
They gave me some rice.
It was just the little pickup
I needed.
You know, if I hadn't had to make dinner,
I might've gotten into their van.
[Laughing]
Yeah, those freaks
were hasslin' me once too.
So when they weren't lookin',
I stole five boxes ofThin Mints.
Kelso, those were Girl Scouts.
Whatever, man.
They were pushy.
Here comes Jackie.
Well, I think this is a big mistake.
When this blows up in your face,
don't come lookin' for me.
I'll be bustin' up Forman's
space station again.
Jackie! Jackie, Donna has something
she wants to ask you.
- Donna.
- [Clears Throat]
So, Jackie, we were all thinking...
that you might come
stay with me for awhile...
since you're having
such a hard time right now.
God! I'm so sick of this!
I don't have hard times!
I'm Jackie Burkhart.
I got voted head cheerleader...
by the largest margin
in cheerleader history.
I have a wonderful life.
- Yeah, but, Jackie, your dad's in prison,
and your mom-
- I'm sorry, Donna...
but you're just not popular
enough for me to live with.
[Scoffs]
I'm not popular enough?
I was doing you a favor,
'cause I felt bad for you.
Well, don't. Okay? I don't need to be
your good deed for the day.
Fine. There's the door. Don't let it hit
your popular, little butt on the way out.
F-Fine.
Well, that was pretty hot.
And that is how you make a canoe
out of banana skins.
Oh!
They love me. See?
There's nothing to worry about.
- Great. Then we should get going.
- Oh! Oh! Don't go.
Oh, it's such a pleasure having
someone so exotic in our home.
We're so happy that Nina
has made a friend of you, Fez.
Well, maybe it's because I'm so handsome
and not at all creepy.
And, by the way, I see where
Nina gets her lovely ass.
[All Laughing]
Hey, I was talking to you,
Mr. Bartel.
Oh, my!
Honey, you are really broadening
your horizons.
Having a friend like this is gonna look great
on your college application.
Yes. We always enjoy
meeting Nina's friends.
You keep calling me her "friend."
Don't you mean, her "boyfriend"?
[Stammering]
Boyfriend?
[Laughing]
- What's so funny?
- You can't be her boyfriend.
- Why not?
- Because you're-What's the word, honey?
- "Different"?
- Okay. Different.
Oh, I see.
- You mean, "not white."
- Fez, no.
I think I'll be leaving now.
Good day.
- Fez, wait.
- I said, "Good day."
By the way, I hope you do not
have a good day.
And then when I asked her to live with me,
she said I'm not freakin' popular.
Am I not on the radio
all the time as "Hot Donna"?
Okay? There are "Hot Donna" posters
all over town, objectifying me.
Is Jackie being objectified?
No!
She only said that 'cause you embarrassed
her in a roomful of people.
It was like a damn telethon in there.
The only thing missing was Jerry Lewis.
So, what, it's my fault,
'cause I didn't ask her right?
Okay. How about when your mom left?
Think how you would've felt
if you walked into a roomful of people...
everyone's talking about how sad
your life is and how much they pity you.
- Yeah. I guess I get that.
- I'm just sayin' that...
Jackie needs a place to stay,
and it'd be really cool...
if you can ask her in a way
that doesn't make her feel bad.
[Groans]
Fine.
But she didn't have to
call me "unpopular." Okay?
Unpopular girls don't get free Slurpees
from Tommy at the 7-Eleven.
Donna, two years ago, Tommy tried to jump
a school bus on his moped.
He didn't make it,
and now he gives everyone free Slurpees.
So you see, Jackie, the reason I asked you
to stay with me before...
is because, well, you were right.
I am unpopular.
Go on.
I'm, um, too tall...
and-and red hair is gross.
And, well, if I don't
do something soon...
my unpopularity is gonna
follow me to college-
unless you help.
Please come stay with me.
Jackie-
[Haltingly]
Help me be more like you.
Well, as long as everybody knows
I'm doing it for you...
- I'll do it.
- Great.
Hey, Donna. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Okay. First things first.
If you wanna be more popular,
you're gonna have to break up with Eric.
What?
You know, I have been called many
names since coming to this country...
but I have never been
treated like that before.
Look, Fez...
unfortunately, there are
some people in this world...
that are gonna judge you
on the color of your skin...
or your funny accent...
or that girlie little way you run.
But you know what?
You're not alone.
Why do you think
the Martians won't land here?
'Cause they're green, and they know people
are gonna make fun of'em.
You said it, brother.
I just wish there were someplace
in the world where prejudice didn't exist.
Huh.
Well, that's Canada.
Yup.
Good old Canada.
They don't make
generalizations about people...
'cause they're too busy
playing hockey or gettin' drunk...
or putting maple syrup on their ham.
- Fez, we need to talk.
- Hey! He might not be from this country...
but he's beautiful, damn it!
Nina, our relationship is over.
My self-respect demands it...
and there's nothing you can say
to make me change my mind.
My parents are jerks. I wanna get back
at them by doing it with you on their bed.
Except that.
Thanks, Kelso.
[Clanging]
Fire! Fire!
- What are you doing?
- Well, look at this.
Mr. Nude is still nude.
- You're nuts.
- Wow.
Strong words from Mr. Nude.
We're doin' this every night
until you put on some bottoms.
[Clanging]
Fire!
Fire!