That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 18 - Hey Hey What Can I Do - full transcript
Now most kids are out of a job income, they all head for the job fair, Eric and Hyde being fired, Kelso after getting a ticket from a female cop made him doubt if his looks will last, Donna as 'hot' appetizer for her radio station. Red raises the stakes: if Eric sticks to marrying Donna, he'll stop the dumb ass's college funding. Most available jobs are revolting, yet Hyde becomes cook for his former 'big brother', a worse social cripple then him; Kelso decides to become a cop because the uniform would prolong his beauty many years. Eric found a bank teller's job, but loses it because of a bad reference... .
So, Hyde, big job fair tomorrow.
Oh, and you're in luck,
'cause I read that corporate America...
is experiencing a severe shortage
of paranoid conspiracy nuts.
I'm not a conspiracy nut, okay?
My history, shop and gym teachers...
secretly started that rumor
to discredit me.
I do need a job though
since the Fotohut shut down.
And I'm never gonna get my pictures back,
which is a real shame...
'cause they'll never let me
under the bleachers anymore.
You need a job too, Eric...
since you just got fired from
your last job by your own daddy.
Well, at least my daddy's
not in jail for bribery.
Okay. So get this.
The radio station I work at...
wants me to work
their job-fair booth as "Hot Donna."
All right? As if I'm some object
for guys to leer at. God.
- Oh, my God! Spank me!
- Oh, mama!
I guess being beautiful
has its benefits.
Hey, shut up.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm talkin' about me, Donna.
And the best thing about being beautiful
is I can get work as a model.
So I don't have to go to the job fair
like the rest of you "uggos."
Well, I cannot wait.
Nina will be at the D.M.V. Booth,
which means that Fez...
will be making out
during a school day.
How many of you suckers have
made out during a school day?
How many of you suckers have made out
during a school day in the nude?
Then I will be nude.
- Oh, my God!
- What? What?
I got startled, 'cause I caught a glimpse
of myself in the mirror.
I'm so handsome, I thought Shaun Cassidy
was sitting in the backseat.
Yes. You are a beautiful
male specimen.
Except you have a gray hair.
What?
No, I don't-
- [Siren Wails]
- Dude, I hit a cop car.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
All right, Eric.
Listen up.
You know how your mother and I feel
about you and Donna getting engaged.
But since you won't listen to reason,
I've come to a decision.
If you don't cancel
this engagement...
I'm not paying for your college.
What?
Because he loves you.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
He's full of love.
But it's buried, just like treasure.
- Dad, how could you do this?
- Oh, it's easy.
Instead of giving $4,000
to a college...
I leave my checkbook in the drawer,
count my money...
and laugh like a little girl.
Fine.
- He laughs because he loves you!
- [Sl/d/ng Door Closes]
Where did you learn
your parenting skills?
Korea.
Kitty, I am right about this.
Red, you can't just force people
to do what you want.
Oh, see, that's one of those things
that people say that's just not true.
Like, "There's no place like home."
Hell, I can think of
a hundred places better than this.
- I cannot believe you hit a police car.
- [Car Door Opens]
Now, don't worry.
It's a hot lady cop.
[Sighs]
Just watch the master.
License and registration.
Yeah. Just give me a sec here.
[Grunts] My wallet gets stuck,
'cause I've been working out.
My leg muscles are huge.
Oh, boy. By the way,
I can bench about 220...
so that'd be about
two of you, little lady.
What's your name?
Oh, my name is Fez,
but I have a girlfriend...
so you need to cool it, little girl.
Yeah. I'll try.
Okay, Mr. Kelso.
I'm gonna issue you a citation.
Oh, a citation for being
too foxy in a school zone?
No. A citation for $64.
Bench-press that.
So if we don't break off the engagement,
Red's not gonna pay for my college.
You know, maybe this is it, Eric.
Maybe Red won.
No. No, okay?
He's not gonna win.
You know what? I'll just look
for something full-time at the job fair.
- I'll pay for college myself. People do that, right?
- Yeah, people with skills.
- But I mean, you're cute. That's a skill.
- Stop.
How can Red do this to me?
I swear to God,
that man is always mad.
I think the gene for joy
might be stored in hair.
Well, there are a lot
of angry bald men.
Yul Brynner in The K/ng and I.
Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman.
- Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze-
- Eric.
What did we talk about?
- Every time I reference Batman,
I owe you a geek dollar.
- Yes. Thank you.
Guys, something horrible happened.
Let me tell it.
Kelso tried to charm a lady cop,
and it didn't work.
But she was all over me, boy.
I'm like freaking catnip.
Guys, today made me
realize looks fade!
I'm not- I'm not gonna be able
to be a model forever!
I'm gonna have to get
a practical, realistic job...
like regular, ugly people.
Okay, so what sounds better-
wide receiver or spy?
Well, Kelso, I don't see why you
couldn't just do both.
You're right.
It's the perfect cover.
Okay. Okay, everybody!
This is your last school
field trip, so smile!
- [Shutter Cl/cks]
- [K/tty Laugh/ng]
Okay, now wave hello to your futures.
Hello, futures!
[Laughs] Okay, now wave good-bye
to your mothers who loved you...
and gave you the best years
of their lives.
Now what are they gonna do?
What? Tell me what I am supposed to do!
You're supposed to take your little, yellow pill.
That's what you're supposed to do.
Man, look at this place.
There's tons of butt-ugly people.
One day I'm gonna be one of'em.
Man, I can't do this.
Being around this many
corporate stooges.
[Panting]
I can't breathe!
Steven, stop it!
This is serious.
If you keep pulling at cotton
like that, it won't rebound.
Well, I'm off to find Nina
for a little field-trip make out.
How many of you suckers have
made out during a field trip?
What the hell? Was I the only one
watching sausage get made?
Well, lookee here.
You know, if America's employers
are looking for a pretty-boy moron...
an engaged hophead
and a mush-mouthed foreigner...
they're gonna be jumpin' for joy.
Wait a minute.
Am I the pretty-boy moron?
- Yes.
- Cool, 'cause that's the best one.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So, you're ready for the big job search?
- Yup.
I got my r?sum?,
my very best blazer...
and a really charming story
about how my biggest fault...
is that I just work
too darn hard, so-
- How 'bout you?
- I don't know. This is so humiliating.
I mean, I have a brain, you know.
2,000 records sorted
by artist and genre.
I didn't do that with my boobs.
That'd be a neat trick though.
I've always been fascinated by the veterinary
sciences. Do you have any jobs available?
Yes. We need someone to usher our
four-legged friends into the next life.
All right. That sounds fantastic.
And how do I do that?
You shovel the carcass
into the furnace.
I've always been fascinated
by transportation.
- Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes, roadkill remover.
Except sometimes
the critter's not quite dead.
In that case, you gotta shoot it.
You're the "triggerman."
I've always been fascinated by...
meat.
- Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes. Triggerman.
Please tell me you're kidding.
The cows don't kill themselves, son.
Although I did see one
walk right off a cliff once.
Stock boy.
Need a stock boy.
Not you.
So, if I work here...
will I have to slaughter anything?
No, we're a bank.
We're looking for tellers.
Uh, just to be perfectly clear...
I won't have to murder any animals?
Whatever you do on your own time
is fine with us.
Hello, First Midwestern!
Hi. I'm Jackie, and this is Steven.
Steven is a no-nonsense
Sagittarius...
who's not afraid of
hard work or true love.
I'm Dave, a shy Pisces
who's looking for love...
and a salesman
to sell on commission.
- The more you sell, the more you can earn.
- That's perfect for him!
Steven, if you can get me to date you,
you can sell anything.
Uh, thanks, but no, thanks.
Wait-
Are you nuts?
That guy almost offered me a job!
- So, what's wrong?
- Did you hear him?
"The more you sell,
the more you earn"?
The more you sleep, the more you earn.
That's my job.
Damn, woman!
So, Nina, after walking
around the job fair...
and hearing the word "job" a lot...
it gave me needs.
No. We're at a job fair.
Please don't say that word.
I can't go far from my booth.
It's my job.
[Whispers]
Stop it.
Hi.
One of your officers
recently issued me a ticket.
- My name is Michael Kelso.
- Michael Kelso.
Wait a minute.
Officer Debbie?
Oh, my God!
What happened to you?
You're like your own ugly sister!
[Laughing]
What do you want, Mr. Kelso?
What do I want? I want to know how
one minute you're all "waa-waa"...
and the next you're all-
[Imitates Klaxon Blaring]
- Good cripes!
- Hey, now-
I'm just saying, in your uniform
you were, like, a totally hot police chick...
but out of your uniform
you're a total pie face.
I mean, good God!
Wait a minute.
It's, like, you got all your charisma
from your uniform.
What is happening to you?
Are you having a stroke? What?
No, that's just how I look
when I have an idea.
To Eddie.
Love, Hot Donna.
Hot Donna has now signed 87 guys!
And two girls.
It's, like, who knew,
in our little town?
Well, I can see you...
got over your little
bout of shyness.
Well, what the hell? They think I'm hot.
And you know what?
- Hot Donna rules!
- [Whooping]
So, great news.
I got a job at First Midwestern Bank.
Oh, my God! Eric.
I know. And they have
branches all over Wisconsin.
So wherever you go to school,
I'll have a job.
I'll save some money.
I can start school, like, a year after you.
And I don't even have to
slaughter animals.
Was that ever an option?
Ah, apparently it's the invisible industry
of Point Place, yeah.
I'm actually surprised the streets
aren't running red with blood.
Well, Steven,
it is obvious you don't want a job.
No. I was just holding out for one
that has a cash register...
with a lock that's very,
very easy to jimmy.
- Oh, God! Excuse me.
- Oh, it's okay. I probably deserved it.
- Roy.
- Steven?
Hey, man.
Long time no see.
When my dad left, my mom signed me up
for the Big Brother program, and I got Roy.
We had some good times
before you left town.
- Yeah, and moved in with a wonderful woman.
- Oh. What happened?
She found out I was livin' there.
Roy has some problems with people.
They don't like me. Yeah.
You don't like me, right?
Not really.
But to be fair, I have
very high standards.
Yeah?
She's really nice, Steven.
Hey, so what are you doing here?
I work here.
Hotel kitchen manager.
I was gonna put out word
that we were lookin' for a cook...
but then I figured, why bother?
They'll just leave me
like everybody else.
So, Roy, seem a little
depressed there.
Yeah, I'm teetering on the brink.
Maybe I can do something
to cheer you up.
Really?
Oh, that'd be great.
[Sobbing]
So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge...
and everyone's tellin' me to jump.
I was just out for a jog.
Okay, Roy, here's what
I'm gonna do for you.
I'm gonna take that job as cook
and keep you company...
on two conditions-
I'm not gonna work very hard,
and you're gonna have to pay me a lot.
But, man, it'll be a bargain considering
the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Great. And if it's work-related,
I can call you at home.
Now I have a reason to get a phone.
Steven, you're a chef!
[Gasps]
If you can learn to make those fancy
deviled-egg thingies...
I will lose my frickin' mind!
So, how's the day going?
Well, let's see. I interviewed
15 potential employees-
10 dumb-asses...
four cretins and a mama's boy.
I vote for the mama's boy.
I think they're sweet.
Hey, Dad! Guess what.
I got a job at First Midwestern,
so Donna and I can stay engaged.
I'll work, she'll study. In a few years,
I can pay for my own tuition.
Yea! I win!
[Blows Raspberry]
Great news!
I'm gonna be a cop!
[All Booing]
No. No, listen.
It's perfect for me.
The uniform will keep me looking hot
even when I'm old.
And plus, I love helping people.
No, you love humping people.
Eric, a lot of times
humping /s helping.
So, you're really gonna be a cop?
Well, he did shoot me,
so we know he's good with guns.
And you just know they're gonna
partner him up with a dog.
Actually, you know what?
It's kind of perfect.
He'll get to run through
people's backyards with a stick.
He does that anyway.
The important thing is,
is that I'll be performing...
a very valuable community service.
And plus, I'll be sexy forever.
I mean, just think about it.
Nobody move!
This is a robbery.
Not in my town, dirtbag.
Oh, Officer, not only did you perform
a valuable community service...
you'll be sexy forever!
All in a day's work, ma'am. Let's get you
into something a little more comfortable.
- But I'm already in a bikini.
- I know.
Kelso, you do realize
you'll have to help ugly people too.
Nah-uh.
I'll just leave that for the fat cops.
- [TV: Sports Crowd Cheer/ng]
- Hey.
I just got off the phone
with the bank.
I didn't get the job because
someone gave me a bad reference.
And then I thought to myself...
"Hmm. I've only had one boss-you!"
I can't believe you blackballed
your own son!
As usual, I don't know
what the hell you're talking about.
So you're not even man enough to admit it?
You know what I think?
You're a bitter, old man
who's so miserable in his life...
that you have to make everyone
else just as miserable as you are!
- You're pathetic!
- Honey.
Your father didn't call
the bank manager. I did.
Mom, please stay out of this.
What was that?
- I gave you the bad reference.
- Oh.
Then, uh-
[Chuckling]
I'm just kidding.
Eric, if you take a bank job
and put off school...
you'll never go to college,
and the bank manager agreed with me.
Plus, I told him
you were bad at math.
So there's no job money
to pay for college...
no money from you guys
to go to college.
Wow. I guess we're really hoping
for that football scholarship, huh?
I have a compromise.
Your father and I
will pay for college...
if you and Donna will agree to just put off
your engagement for one year.
I'm not compromising anything!
He said some hurtful things.
No. I'm sick of being controlled
by both of you guys.
You guys can keep your money,
okay, 'cause guess what!
I don't want it.
Ma'am! Sir!
We got a call about
a domestic disturbance.
Get out of here.
Okay, but if I gotta come back out here,
somebody's going downtown.
Well, quit it.
I'm just practicing.
A-And this is the pantry.
If you ever get really depressed,
it's a good place to go and cry.
Also, it's where
we keep the mustard.
All right. Cool. Well, uh,
I guess I'll see you on Monday.
- Okay!
- [Grunts]
Okay, man. Okay, Roy.
Get off me!
Oh, I almost forgot to show you
the walk-in freezer.
A little privacy, please!
Oh, and you're in luck,
'cause I read that corporate America...
is experiencing a severe shortage
of paranoid conspiracy nuts.
I'm not a conspiracy nut, okay?
My history, shop and gym teachers...
secretly started that rumor
to discredit me.
I do need a job though
since the Fotohut shut down.
And I'm never gonna get my pictures back,
which is a real shame...
'cause they'll never let me
under the bleachers anymore.
You need a job too, Eric...
since you just got fired from
your last job by your own daddy.
Well, at least my daddy's
not in jail for bribery.
Okay. So get this.
The radio station I work at...
wants me to work
their job-fair booth as "Hot Donna."
All right? As if I'm some object
for guys to leer at. God.
- Oh, my God! Spank me!
- Oh, mama!
I guess being beautiful
has its benefits.
Hey, shut up.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm talkin' about me, Donna.
And the best thing about being beautiful
is I can get work as a model.
So I don't have to go to the job fair
like the rest of you "uggos."
Well, I cannot wait.
Nina will be at the D.M.V. Booth,
which means that Fez...
will be making out
during a school day.
How many of you suckers have
made out during a school day?
How many of you suckers have made out
during a school day in the nude?
Then I will be nude.
- Oh, my God!
- What? What?
I got startled, 'cause I caught a glimpse
of myself in the mirror.
I'm so handsome, I thought Shaun Cassidy
was sitting in the backseat.
Yes. You are a beautiful
male specimen.
Except you have a gray hair.
What?
No, I don't-
- [Siren Wails]
- Dude, I hit a cop car.
(Rock Group Singing)
(Ends)
Hello, Wisconsin!
All right, Eric.
Listen up.
You know how your mother and I feel
about you and Donna getting engaged.
But since you won't listen to reason,
I've come to a decision.
If you don't cancel
this engagement...
I'm not paying for your college.
What?
Because he loves you.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does.
He's full of love.
But it's buried, just like treasure.
- Dad, how could you do this?
- Oh, it's easy.
Instead of giving $4,000
to a college...
I leave my checkbook in the drawer,
count my money...
and laugh like a little girl.
Fine.
- He laughs because he loves you!
- [Sl/d/ng Door Closes]
Where did you learn
your parenting skills?
Korea.
Kitty, I am right about this.
Red, you can't just force people
to do what you want.
Oh, see, that's one of those things
that people say that's just not true.
Like, "There's no place like home."
Hell, I can think of
a hundred places better than this.
- I cannot believe you hit a police car.
- [Car Door Opens]
Now, don't worry.
It's a hot lady cop.
[Sighs]
Just watch the master.
License and registration.
Yeah. Just give me a sec here.
[Grunts] My wallet gets stuck,
'cause I've been working out.
My leg muscles are huge.
Oh, boy. By the way,
I can bench about 220...
so that'd be about
two of you, little lady.
What's your name?
Oh, my name is Fez,
but I have a girlfriend...
so you need to cool it, little girl.
Yeah. I'll try.
Okay, Mr. Kelso.
I'm gonna issue you a citation.
Oh, a citation for being
too foxy in a school zone?
No. A citation for $64.
Bench-press that.
So if we don't break off the engagement,
Red's not gonna pay for my college.
You know, maybe this is it, Eric.
Maybe Red won.
No. No, okay?
He's not gonna win.
You know what? I'll just look
for something full-time at the job fair.
- I'll pay for college myself. People do that, right?
- Yeah, people with skills.
- But I mean, you're cute. That's a skill.
- Stop.
How can Red do this to me?
I swear to God,
that man is always mad.
I think the gene for joy
might be stored in hair.
Well, there are a lot
of angry bald men.
Yul Brynner in The K/ng and I.
Yes. Mr. Freeze from Batman.
- Remember that time Robin foiled his deep freeze-
- Eric.
What did we talk about?
- Every time I reference Batman,
I owe you a geek dollar.
- Yes. Thank you.
Guys, something horrible happened.
Let me tell it.
Kelso tried to charm a lady cop,
and it didn't work.
But she was all over me, boy.
I'm like freaking catnip.
Guys, today made me
realize looks fade!
I'm not- I'm not gonna be able
to be a model forever!
I'm gonna have to get
a practical, realistic job...
like regular, ugly people.
Okay, so what sounds better-
wide receiver or spy?
Well, Kelso, I don't see why you
couldn't just do both.
You're right.
It's the perfect cover.
Okay. Okay, everybody!
This is your last school
field trip, so smile!
- [Shutter Cl/cks]
- [K/tty Laugh/ng]
Okay, now wave hello to your futures.
Hello, futures!
[Laughs] Okay, now wave good-bye
to your mothers who loved you...
and gave you the best years
of their lives.
Now what are they gonna do?
What? Tell me what I am supposed to do!
You're supposed to take your little, yellow pill.
That's what you're supposed to do.
Man, look at this place.
There's tons of butt-ugly people.
One day I'm gonna be one of'em.
Man, I can't do this.
Being around this many
corporate stooges.
[Panting]
I can't breathe!
Steven, stop it!
This is serious.
If you keep pulling at cotton
like that, it won't rebound.
Well, I'm off to find Nina
for a little field-trip make out.
How many of you suckers have
made out during a field trip?
What the hell? Was I the only one
watching sausage get made?
Well, lookee here.
You know, if America's employers
are looking for a pretty-boy moron...
an engaged hophead
and a mush-mouthed foreigner...
they're gonna be jumpin' for joy.
Wait a minute.
Am I the pretty-boy moron?
- Yes.
- Cool, 'cause that's the best one.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- So, you're ready for the big job search?
- Yup.
I got my r?sum?,
my very best blazer...
and a really charming story
about how my biggest fault...
is that I just work
too darn hard, so-
- How 'bout you?
- I don't know. This is so humiliating.
I mean, I have a brain, you know.
2,000 records sorted
by artist and genre.
I didn't do that with my boobs.
That'd be a neat trick though.
I've always been fascinated by the veterinary
sciences. Do you have any jobs available?
Yes. We need someone to usher our
four-legged friends into the next life.
All right. That sounds fantastic.
And how do I do that?
You shovel the carcass
into the furnace.
I've always been fascinated
by transportation.
- Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes, roadkill remover.
Except sometimes
the critter's not quite dead.
In that case, you gotta shoot it.
You're the "triggerman."
I've always been fascinated by...
meat.
- Do you have any jobs available?
- Yes. Triggerman.
Please tell me you're kidding.
The cows don't kill themselves, son.
Although I did see one
walk right off a cliff once.
Stock boy.
Need a stock boy.
Not you.
So, if I work here...
will I have to slaughter anything?
No, we're a bank.
We're looking for tellers.
Uh, just to be perfectly clear...
I won't have to murder any animals?
Whatever you do on your own time
is fine with us.
Hello, First Midwestern!
Hi. I'm Jackie, and this is Steven.
Steven is a no-nonsense
Sagittarius...
who's not afraid of
hard work or true love.
I'm Dave, a shy Pisces
who's looking for love...
and a salesman
to sell on commission.
- The more you sell, the more you can earn.
- That's perfect for him!
Steven, if you can get me to date you,
you can sell anything.
Uh, thanks, but no, thanks.
Wait-
Are you nuts?
That guy almost offered me a job!
- So, what's wrong?
- Did you hear him?
"The more you sell,
the more you earn"?
The more you sleep, the more you earn.
That's my job.
Damn, woman!
So, Nina, after walking
around the job fair...
and hearing the word "job" a lot...
it gave me needs.
No. We're at a job fair.
Please don't say that word.
I can't go far from my booth.
It's my job.
[Whispers]
Stop it.
Hi.
One of your officers
recently issued me a ticket.
- My name is Michael Kelso.
- Michael Kelso.
Wait a minute.
Officer Debbie?
Oh, my God!
What happened to you?
You're like your own ugly sister!
[Laughing]
What do you want, Mr. Kelso?
What do I want? I want to know how
one minute you're all "waa-waa"...
and the next you're all-
[Imitates Klaxon Blaring]
- Good cripes!
- Hey, now-
I'm just saying, in your uniform
you were, like, a totally hot police chick...
but out of your uniform
you're a total pie face.
I mean, good God!
Wait a minute.
It's, like, you got all your charisma
from your uniform.
What is happening to you?
Are you having a stroke? What?
No, that's just how I look
when I have an idea.
To Eddie.
Love, Hot Donna.
Hot Donna has now signed 87 guys!
And two girls.
It's, like, who knew,
in our little town?
Well, I can see you...
got over your little
bout of shyness.
Well, what the hell? They think I'm hot.
And you know what?
- Hot Donna rules!
- [Whooping]
So, great news.
I got a job at First Midwestern Bank.
Oh, my God! Eric.
I know. And they have
branches all over Wisconsin.
So wherever you go to school,
I'll have a job.
I'll save some money.
I can start school, like, a year after you.
And I don't even have to
slaughter animals.
Was that ever an option?
Ah, apparently it's the invisible industry
of Point Place, yeah.
I'm actually surprised the streets
aren't running red with blood.
Well, Steven,
it is obvious you don't want a job.
No. I was just holding out for one
that has a cash register...
with a lock that's very,
very easy to jimmy.
- Oh, God! Excuse me.
- Oh, it's okay. I probably deserved it.
- Roy.
- Steven?
Hey, man.
Long time no see.
When my dad left, my mom signed me up
for the Big Brother program, and I got Roy.
We had some good times
before you left town.
- Yeah, and moved in with a wonderful woman.
- Oh. What happened?
She found out I was livin' there.
Roy has some problems with people.
They don't like me. Yeah.
You don't like me, right?
Not really.
But to be fair, I have
very high standards.
Yeah?
She's really nice, Steven.
Hey, so what are you doing here?
I work here.
Hotel kitchen manager.
I was gonna put out word
that we were lookin' for a cook...
but then I figured, why bother?
They'll just leave me
like everybody else.
So, Roy, seem a little
depressed there.
Yeah, I'm teetering on the brink.
Maybe I can do something
to cheer you up.
Really?
Oh, that'd be great.
[Sobbing]
So I'm on the Golden Gate Bridge...
and everyone's tellin' me to jump.
I was just out for a jog.
Okay, Roy, here's what
I'm gonna do for you.
I'm gonna take that job as cook
and keep you company...
on two conditions-
I'm not gonna work very hard,
and you're gonna have to pay me a lot.
But, man, it'll be a bargain considering
the money you save on hookers and shrinks.
Great. And if it's work-related,
I can call you at home.
Now I have a reason to get a phone.
Steven, you're a chef!
[Gasps]
If you can learn to make those fancy
deviled-egg thingies...
I will lose my frickin' mind!
So, how's the day going?
Well, let's see. I interviewed
15 potential employees-
10 dumb-asses...
four cretins and a mama's boy.
I vote for the mama's boy.
I think they're sweet.
Hey, Dad! Guess what.
I got a job at First Midwestern,
so Donna and I can stay engaged.
I'll work, she'll study. In a few years,
I can pay for my own tuition.
Yea! I win!
[Blows Raspberry]
Great news!
I'm gonna be a cop!
[All Booing]
No. No, listen.
It's perfect for me.
The uniform will keep me looking hot
even when I'm old.
And plus, I love helping people.
No, you love humping people.
Eric, a lot of times
humping /s helping.
So, you're really gonna be a cop?
Well, he did shoot me,
so we know he's good with guns.
And you just know they're gonna
partner him up with a dog.
Actually, you know what?
It's kind of perfect.
He'll get to run through
people's backyards with a stick.
He does that anyway.
The important thing is,
is that I'll be performing...
a very valuable community service.
And plus, I'll be sexy forever.
I mean, just think about it.
Nobody move!
This is a robbery.
Not in my town, dirtbag.
Oh, Officer, not only did you perform
a valuable community service...
you'll be sexy forever!
All in a day's work, ma'am. Let's get you
into something a little more comfortable.
- But I'm already in a bikini.
- I know.
Kelso, you do realize
you'll have to help ugly people too.
Nah-uh.
I'll just leave that for the fat cops.
- [TV: Sports Crowd Cheer/ng]
- Hey.
I just got off the phone
with the bank.
I didn't get the job because
someone gave me a bad reference.
And then I thought to myself...
"Hmm. I've only had one boss-you!"
I can't believe you blackballed
your own son!
As usual, I don't know
what the hell you're talking about.
So you're not even man enough to admit it?
You know what I think?
You're a bitter, old man
who's so miserable in his life...
that you have to make everyone
else just as miserable as you are!
- You're pathetic!
- Honey.
Your father didn't call
the bank manager. I did.
Mom, please stay out of this.
What was that?
- I gave you the bad reference.
- Oh.
Then, uh-
[Chuckling]
I'm just kidding.
Eric, if you take a bank job
and put off school...
you'll never go to college,
and the bank manager agreed with me.
Plus, I told him
you were bad at math.
So there's no job money
to pay for college...
no money from you guys
to go to college.
Wow. I guess we're really hoping
for that football scholarship, huh?
I have a compromise.
Your father and I
will pay for college...
if you and Donna will agree to just put off
your engagement for one year.
I'm not compromising anything!
He said some hurtful things.
No. I'm sick of being controlled
by both of you guys.
You guys can keep your money,
okay, 'cause guess what!
I don't want it.
Ma'am! Sir!
We got a call about
a domestic disturbance.
Get out of here.
Okay, but if I gotta come back out here,
somebody's going downtown.
Well, quit it.
I'm just practicing.
A-And this is the pantry.
If you ever get really depressed,
it's a good place to go and cry.
Also, it's where
we keep the mustard.
All right. Cool. Well, uh,
I guess I'll see you on Monday.
- Okay!
- [Grunts]
Okay, man. Okay, Roy.
Get off me!
Oh, I almost forgot to show you
the walk-in freezer.
A little privacy, please!