That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 17 - The Battle of Evermore - full transcript

Eric, what are you doing eating?

Well, it's mainly for survival.

But I also enjoy the fruity taste.

I told you to replace
the hubcap on the Vista Cruiser.

So, what is it?
You're mature enough to get married...

but not mature enough
to replace a hubcap?

Well, let's see.
You took away my keys, so I can't drive.

And you took away my job,
so I can't afford a new hubcap.

You also took away my self-esteem,
so I have no pride in my job or my possessions.

For gosh sake,
you've been arguing for two weeks.

Now stop it.
Help me with this crossword puzzle.



I need a four-letter word...

for disappointment.

Eric.

[Gasps]
It fits.

Well, now, that can't be right.

So, he's like, "Replace the hubcap."

And I'm like,
"Hey, why don't you replace the hubcap."

And that is why
I'm trimming the hedges.

Yeah.

I only mess with Red when
I really need the discipline.

He's a total hard-ass.

Hard-ass? Take another look,
my friend. It jiggles when he wiggles.

Man, I don't know what
the hell the deal is with Leo.

He told me to take
a week off two weeks ago...



- and I haven't heard from him since.
- We need to find him...

'cause we're all out of film,
if you know what I mean.

I need film. Then I could take pictures
of Nina and me doing it.

Fez, film doesn't
really mean "film."

Who cares? Because for
the first time in my life...

doin' it really means "doin' it."

So, I guess this is the way...

an immature, engaged,
high school dumb-ass...

with no car, no job and no money
trims the hedges.

That was like eight burns
in one sentence.

An octo-burn.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Okay, you two,
since you won't bond on your own...

I have signed you up
for the father/son competition...

at this year's Point Place
Paul Bunyan Pioneer DayJamboree.

- Kitty, that sounds horrible.
- Yeah, I agree.

You hear that?
We've already bonded.

No, it's too late.
It's for charity.

Now, don't forget...

your commemorative coonskin caps.

Huh.

So that's what
you'd look like with hair.

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

- Hey.
- I'd kiss you...

but I'm afraid your hat will wake
up and scratch my eyes out.

So, you guys, Joanne has been chosen
to emcee Pioneer Days. Tell 'em why, baby.

I won the tobacco-spitting
contest last year.

What a lady.

I'll be mannin'
the hard-cider booth.

It's a good way to raise money
'cause of all the drunks.

Oh! Ooh, people are signing in.
Come on. Get excited, you two!

Well, howdy, newcomers!
I'm Charlie Miller.

You can call me Charlie.
This is my son, Mitch.

You can call me "ladies man."

- "Ladies man."
- Did somebody call me?

I'm Red Forman.
This is my son, Eric.

You can call him dumb-ass.

Well, we don't use the A-S-S word.

We have a reputation to uphold.

We're the two-time champs.

Little secret, Red. I tell Mitch
it doesn't matter how we do...

as long as we're together.

- And why is that, Dad?
- 'Cause we bad!

- Oh, yeah, that's right! We bad!
- We bad!

All right. Dad, they have a catch phrase.
Hey, what's ours?

Shut up, dumb-ass.

Yeah. Shut up, dumb-ass.
Okay. Yeah.

No wonder Leo hasn't told me to
come to work. There's no work to come to.

- Mmm, did he leave a note?
- [Fez] Nope.

Just this.

You know, he looked dirty...

but he always smelled
like clean sheets.

You're talking about him
like he's gone, man.

He would have told me
if he was leaving town.

Maybe...
a U.F.O. Appeared.

And it shot down a beam
and made everyone...

and everything inside
the Fotohut vanish.

Yeah, like an apparition.

Kelso, you don't even know
what an apparition is.

Hey, if I can't use words
I don't understand...

this is gonna be
one quiet afternoon.

Let's get started.

"To make room
for a new tradin' post...

"Paul Bunyan needs to
clear-cut 200 acres of forest.

The first team to chop
25 logs wins."

And... chop!

Um, excuse me.
My ax is stuck.

Way to go, Mitch.

- That's right! We bad!
- Oh, yeah, we bad!

Pull the ax out, Eric.

I can't. It's really stuck in there.

And you think you're ready to be married.
You can't even chop wood.

What are you gonna do for heat
in the winter, burn comic books?

Hmm, I don't know. I guess I would
probably just turn on the heater!

How can Eric and Red
be fighting already?

Well, it's almost as if forcing them
together against their will...

and giving them sharp objects...

wasn't really the best way
to get them to make up.

Another hard cider, Bob.

Make it a double.

Well, we couldn't find Leo.
We just checked all his hangouts.

- The Hub.
- Alley behind The Hub.

- Fatso Burger.
- Alley behind the Fatso Burger.

Hyde, when are you gonna accept
the fact that Leo just bailed?

Man, he would not leave
without saying good-bye, okay?

I know him better
than I know my own father.

I'd like to do it
with Nina in an alley.

My bare ass...

pressed up against a cold Dumpster.

You know, we're getting killed here
thanks to your screwing up that last event.

All you had to do was build a cabin
out of Lincoln Logs.

Well, I thought I'd score
some extra points...

by building the Millennium Falcon.

The Millennium what?

If that's a Star Wars thing,
I'm gonna kick you in the ass.

It's... not a Star Wars thing.

It's a very rare falcon...

that can do the Kessel Run
in under six parsecs.

Hey, just remember, guys.
It's not whether you win or lose.

It's how you play the game.

Unfortunately, you guys
don't know how to play the game.

Oh, hey. We don't wanna rub it
in their face they're big losers.

- Oh!
- Oh!

I don't know.
It just came out.

This is the worst Point Place Paul Bunyan
Pioneer Days Jamboree ever.

And now, the cow-milking event.

Could you just award us
our first-place points right now?

It'd save a lot of time and embarrassment
for our friends over here.

You know, it kinda would.

"Babe the Blue Ox needs lots of calcium
to carry Paul Bunyan's lumber...

"or his brittle bones
will snap and he'll die.

"The first team to fill
their barrel with milk...

and save Babe
from osteoporosis wins."

[Cackling]

And... milk!

- Um, hey! There's something wrong with our cow.
- [Lowing]

Her things aren't workin'!

You can't just yank on 'em.

Red never was much for foreplay.

- Keep it comin', Mitch.
- This is amazing.

It's like she was waiting
for my magic fingers...

to coax that sweet liquid
right out of her teats.

- Move over, Dad. I'll show you how it's done.
- What makes you think-

Go, Eric. Go.

Well, honey, good for you.
[Chuckles]

Mitch, they're winning.
What happened to your magic fingers?

Get off my back, old man!

Dad, here.

[Joanne]
Team Forman wins!

You let me down, son.
I thought you were better than that.

What are you gonna do?
Lock me in the closet again?

He locks me in the closet!

It's a walk-in!
It's a walk-in.

So, Dad, what do you say now?

Why are you so good at that?

How are we gonna break
into Leo's apartment?

[Groans]
We need a credit card to slip in the door.

Ponch used one on CHiPs once...

and the lady he rescued
was so grateful they did it.

Kelso, if we had a credit card, we could buy
a sledgehammer and break down the door.

If we had a credit card,
I'd be butt-deep in Jordache right now.

- Oh, Leo, man.
- I'm gonna kick him, see if he's okay.

- Kelso, no.
- Well, at least throw something at him.

If he's asleep, he'll wake up.

If he's dead, you can say
you threw something at a dead guy.

Uuh! Aah! Officer, I have
a prescription for that.

No, relax, bud.
We're just looking for Leo.

Oh, he left.
I'm his cousin, Eli.

Really, he just left?
He didn't call or anything?

Oh, Steven, I'm sorry.

Don't take it personal, Hyde.
You know Leo never liked phones.

He said he could hear voices in 'em.

By the way, he left a note.

Do any of you know
a kid named Heidi?

He means Hyde. That's me, man.
[Excitedly] The note's for me!

[Coolly] I mean, the note's for me.
[Clears Throat]

"Dear Hyde, man. One day I stopped in
Point Place for some gas.

"Before I knew it,
eight years had passed.

"Whoa. That rhymes.

"Anyway, I should
get home to my wife.

"Take care.
You're a good kid, man.

You're a good kid-man."

See, I told you he wouldn't
leave without saying good-bye.

Oh, Steven, you really do love that old,
dirty, little hippie.

And, uh, he left you something else.

He said that you liked "film,"
if you know what I mean.

All right.

I was hoping we could take something home.
Put it in the shirt pocket.

Holy hell!

You know, Donna,
I've been drinking-

I mean, thinking.

[Cackling]

I want you and Eric to get married.

Okay, even though
I know it's just the cider talking...

- yea!
- [Laughing]

"Pioneer Pete is lost in the woods.

"Assemble the map
to find his bow and arrow.

"And shoot the bell with the arrow
and Pioneer Pete will appear.

Do not shoot Pioneer Pete."

And... go.

- Okay, this one goes here.
- And this piece goes here.

Come on, Mitch.
Don't give up.

Okay, Mr. "I Haven't
Had AJob In Five Years."

- So the bow and arrow
are behind the feeding trough!
- Go, go, go!

- [Dings]
- [Both Cheer]

Howdy, y'all!
I'm Pioneer Pete!

Look, Donna.
It's me, your dad.

Well, Mitch, I hope you're happy.

How can I be happy?
Our whole life is a lie.

Am I really supposed to believe
that Kathy is my little sister?

She doesn't look anything like me.
She is Cuban, for Pete's sake!

And what about
your Friday bowling nights?

I looked in your bowling bag.
You know what I found?

Butt-less chaps!

What's with the butt-less chaps?

Your mother's inhibited.

[Groaning]

[Loud Groan]

Don't shake hands with that guy.

I can't close my mouth.

Can you close your mouth?

It's really starting
to freak me out.

Leo's the best.

Leo made me a grilled cheese once.

He used butter and made
the crust extra toasty.

He forgot cheese.

I'm gonna miss that
grilled-cheese-makin' son of a bitch.

You know, one time,
I heard Leo talking on the phone...

and he was speaking Chinese.

So I said,
"Leo, stop speaking Chinese."

So he turned around,
and it wasn't Leo.

It was a Chinese guy.

[Sighs]
You know, I'll never forget that.

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face
when I tell him I did it with Nina.

Actually, I'd like to see
my face when I do it with Nina.

I bet I look like a stallion.

So today we sit in this circle
in honor of Leo.

He was my boss.
He was my friend.

He was my connection.
To Leo.

[All]
To Leo!

Well, I found out...

how much cider is too much cider.

A barrel?

Shut it!

Great news. Little Timmy Stinson
cut his finger off in a whittling event.

They're out.
We're in second place.

And if we win this next event,
we'll be champions.

And maybe even friends.

Look, we've had a rough day...

and we've both said some things
that we didn't mean.

But we've got to pull it together
for this final event.

Just tell me where you go
Friday nights.

I rent a motel room and I lock
the door and I cry, okay?

I cry like a damn baby.

Why do you need
butt-less chaps for that?

Okay, it's time for our final event.

"Transport your gold in a genuine
covered wagon to Pioneer Pete's"-

You know what? I'm tired.
Pull the wagons. Go.

## [Man Singing Country]

## [Ends]

- Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! [Grunts]
- [Panting]

Ooh!

- Mm-hmm.
- Who's bad?

- We bad.
- That's right.

- We bad!
- We bad! We bad!

Okay, it's time for Pioneer Pete
to claim his gold!

I saw that, Donna.

Well, I'm sorry. I know you think
I'm a disappointment and stuff.

Hey. I'm proud of how we did.

Look, I know what it's like to have
your dad riding you all the time.

My old man was always on me
to go to engineering school.

And when I didn't, he was so mad
we didn't talk for a year.

So, you're the softy in your family?

See, my dad's vision
for my life was wrong.

Only I knew what was best.

Not my dad.
You understand what I'm saying?

Wow. Are-Are you
admitting that you're wrong...

that it's okay for me
and Donna to get married?

What?

No, no.

I'm saying that my dad
was wrong and I was right.

Just like I'm right now.

The point is, I'm always right,
so break it off!

Well, at least
you're still happy for us.

Please, Donna, I'm standing right here.
There's no need to yell!

You know what?
I don't care what my dad says.

I am more committed
to this marriage than ever.

Well, after seeing how you handled
that cow, so am I.

Okay. So you raise the ax,
and you bring it straight down.

- Okay? Raise. Bring down.
- That's easy.

Now, it's all about leverage.
You know, torque.

Okay. I... don't know
what either of those is...

but I'll give it a shot.

[Cow Lowing]

- Let's get outta here.
- Right behind you.