That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 16 - Whole Lotta Love - full transcript

Forman, why'd you have
to tell Red you got engaged?

Look at him-
yelling and waving.

Oh! A little spit
just landed on Bob.

Bob's so scared,
he's not even wiping it off.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. This time
Red is really gonna kill me.

My only hope is that he actually
sticks his foot so far up my ass...

he can't pull it out, and I get to take him
straight to hell with me.

Why did you tell him?
We had it all planned.

We were gonna give them wine, get 'em all
loose and juiced. But you spilled the beans.

Good, because wine and beans
is not a good combo.



Hey. Toot-toot,
if you know what I mean.

Sorry I'm late!

I was cutting through
backyards on the way over here...

and the Hendersons
got a new jungle gym!

Whoa.
They're still yelling?

Yeah. I'm trying to read Red's lips,
but I can't make it out.

He keeps calling me
a "stupid duck."

- [Snaps Fingers]
- Ah!

Hey, I'll go spy on them.

I just gotta run home real quick
and change into my ninja outfit.

I don't think this situation
calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Well, that doesn't mean
it's not fun to wear, Eric!

But they're just too young
to get married.

How are they gonna
live on their own?



Eric jumps a foot
every time the furnace kicks on.

Exactly. He's not mature enough
to get married.

I'm still cutting the crusts
off his sandwiches.

Well, it's really more for me.
He's my baby.

Don't mind me.
Feel free to keep talking.

I'm just getting a soda.
I'm not spying.

Hey, I-I don't like
this engagement either...

but it's not like
they can break it off.

Why the hell not?

Well, it wouldn't be
very romantic, for one.

Oh, forget about it.
I'll take care of this myself!

No, no. Red, if you go out there and yell,
you're just gonna drive him away.

I'm sorry, Kitty, but yelling is the only part
of being a father that I enjoy.

Red- Red, I am putting my foot down.
I forbid it.

All right. Fine.

Wow! Red, I forbid you to-

Shut up, Bob.

Burn!
[Laughs]

- Get out!
- Yeah.

Well?
What were they saying?

I don't know.

Well, I was so busy acting
like I wasn't listening, I forgot to listen.

- [Groans]
- Man!

I betcha he's trying
to think of a punishment.

He already took away the Vista Cruiser
and- and fined me.

What's next?
Is he gonna cut off my pinkie?

Ay!

What's the point of getting married,
Red's gonna cut that off?

(Rock Group Singing)

(Ends)

Hello, Wisconsin!

Nina, you have
such beautiful fingers.

So long and elegant-
like spider legs.

- We can't do this here.
- [Phones Ringing]

We can go to the backseat
of the student-driver car.

But I have to warn you- I have a hard time
keeping my hands at 10:00 and 2:00.

Fez, this tension between us
is causing problems.

And here at the D.M.V., I've learned
it's easier to solve problems...

when they're posed
in a multiple-choice format.

So, "A," we can further
explore our relationship...

and hope that relieves
the tension...

or, "B," I can fire you.

Is this some kind of trick?

It's not a trick.

Hmm, so it is a trick.

I choose "B."

No, you choose "A"!

[Ringing Continues]

Okay, I'll take "A."

But I think you should throw
a little "T" in there too.

- Dinner's ready, Eric.
- You know what?

Um, Dad's in there, so I'll just, you know,
forage for berries.

Look, I am not happy
about this situation either...

but I am in there
making the best of it...

not out here
diddling a basketball.

Mom, if I was out here
diddling a basketball...

this would be a very
different conversation.

Get in there.

[Door Slams]

Well, look who I found.

Our son-

who we love very much.

- Hey, Dad.
- Pass the peas, Steven.

Red, your son spoke to you.

I heard him.

But you asked me not to yell at him,
and I agreed.

So I'm just taking your idea
and refining it.

Oh, so you're giving me
the silent treatment?

So, Steven,
how was school today?

Um, well, in health class today,
we learned that...

an early engagement's often
a sign of heavy drug use.

Hyde!

Red, you're being a big baby.

No, Mom, it's okay.
Actually, it's a pleasant surprise...

but let's see
how serious he is about it.

Hey, Dad, you know
who's got the right idea?

- Russia.
- [Utensil Clatters]

I haven't felt this kind
of tension in years.

Reminds me of home.

Except everyone's
wearing a shirt.

## [Operatic Birthday Greeting]

Oh! Is this for me?

- [Voice Cracks] Yeah.
- Jackie, it's your birthday?

Ah, I figured you knew.

A good boyfriend
would have, but whatever.

Hey, why didn't you tell me, man?
I would have gotten you something.

Well, I didn't want
to make a big deal about it.

'Cause I'm trying not to care
so much about gifts...

and material things,
and- [Gasps]

Oh, it's not working,
because this is beautiful!

Oh! I'm gonna go try it on!
Thank you!

Mmm.

- [Sighs]
- [Door Closes]

Kelso, what are you doing, man?
You trying to make me look bad?

No, I'm not doing anything.

Well, whatever you are doing...

you shouldn't go up against me,
'cause you're not gonna win.

Well, I'm not doing anything,
and I am going to win.

No. You're gonna lose.

How can I lose
if I'm not doing anything?

How can you win
if you're not doing anything?

Well, if I win, I'll admit
that I'm doing something.

Nina, I think people at work are starting
to notice there's something between us.

Well, it didn't help when you stood up
at the staff meeting...

and said, "I want to do it
with Nina."

Well, they asked if there was any
unfinished business.

I think I've figured out
a way to get rid of all this tension.

You need to spend
the night with me.

I'm all yours, boss lady.

But you have to tell me
where to stop now...

because I have been
burned in the past.

I don't want you to stop
anywhere.

Oh.

Oh!

[Singsongy]
I'm going to do it! I'm going to do it!

Fez!

Sorry. I wrote this song about three years ago,
and I finally get to use it.

That sweater wasn't
on sale or anything.

Paid full price.

Pretty sweet, huh?

Yes. But it gets less sweet
the more you talk about it.

Sorry. I'm done.
[Chuckles]

Twenty-seven dollars!
[Chuckles]

Hey.
How was work with Red?

It was terrible. I thought
Red not talking to me would be cool.

But today, instead of telling me
to sweep the back room...

he just threw a broom at me.

Well, what about
if I talked to him?

We've always gotten along.
Maybe I can get through to him.

Donna, I'm not gonna make you
fight my battles for me.

I'm not gonna ask the woman that I love
to do what I should do.

But Red'll be home at about 5:30,
so try to catch him before dinner, okay?

Attention, everyone.

My friend Fez
has some wonderful news.

[Clears Throat]
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

I did it!

All right, Fez!

Nah! Wait! Wait. I want to hear this.
"I did it" who?

Wait. Fez, I can't believe
you finally lost your virginity!

Wait, wait. This isn't
like the time you bought a hamster...

named it "Virginity,"
and then lost it, is it?

No. This is the real thing.

You know,
I had a hamster once.

I tied him up to a helium balloon
with a note.

Made it all the way
to Minnesota.

- Alive?
- No, I'm gonna send
a dead hamster up in a balloon.

- So? Come on. Tell us all about it.
- Yeah.

Okay. Well, It was incredible.

Nina and I started out
kissing in the living room.

Then we moved into the bedroom,
where we undressed.

And, uh, well, then-
then we did it.

What- Details, Fez.
We need details!

Well, our faces
didn't line up right...

so I kept bumping my chin
on her nose.

And then there were
some sounds.

What kind of sounds?

I will say this.
It was not applause.

There was no romantic music
like in the movies, so I had to hum.

And then Nina told me
to stop humming.

And, uh, then I started again
without realizing it.

And then she got mad.
And then I think she got sad.

Oh, well, don't worry, Fez.

She probably just felt bad
she was doing it with a foreigner.

And then afterwards,
I went into the bathroom, and, uh-

and cried a little.

And then I snuck out
the back door.

Poor Fez.

Well, you know, at least
it couldn't have been any worse.

I left my underwear
in her bathroom.

Mr. Forman, you remember
what it felt like...

when you fell in love
with Mrs. Forman, don't you?

Nope. One day I just woke up,
and my life was over.

Next question.

Well, I think, um-

I think what Mr. Forman
is trying to say...

is that we worry you're
too young to get married.

Do you even know how to bake a casserole?
I don't think you do.

Look, I believe there's one person
out there for everyone.

And you guys are that person for each other,
and Eric is that person for me.

And if you could just
open your hearts...

you'd see that we should
be together forever.

Because we're in love,
and we make each other really happy.

Donna, that is so romantic.

I still think you're too young.

But if it has to be someone,
I'm glad it's you.

I always wanted a daughter.

You already have a daughter.

A better daughter.

You know what, Donna?
You're right.

You are Eric are
perfect for each other.

- Really?
- Yes!

You're as big a dumb-ass
as he is!

[Laughing]

Welcome to the family.

I'm so nervous about
working with Nina today.

It's like, now that we did it,
I never want to see her face again.

Yeah, you did it, all right.

Hey, hey! Look who's
wearing a $27 sweater!

Jackie, you can't keep
that sweater.

- Why not?
- Because it's from Kelso.

Yeah, but it's so pink and fuzzy
that it just makes up for it.

Kelso, she's someone else's girlfriend.
What are you doing?

I'm not doing anything.

And it's working.

Just take it off.

Leave it on.

Take it off.
Let's see some skin.

Yeah. Take it off.

- Why is everyone against me?
- Because you're telling a girl to keep her top on.

That's true. Take it off.

[Phones Ringing]

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Go ahead.
- After you.

- Here. Let me, um-
- I know how it goes.

Okay. Just-
I'm just trying to help.

Now it's stuck!

You just have to give it a yank.

This is just like last night!

Okay. Where's Red? I just found out
he called my daughter a dumb-ass.

- What?
- Well, I really thought I was
getting through to him.

But then he snuck
a "dumb-ass" in.

That is a hurtful word.

You got to do something
about your husband, Kitty.

You guys'd be lucky
to get Donna.

If anything, she's gonna
pretty your family up.

Excuse me?

I'm just sayin',
we're a voluptuous bunch.

Mom, you need
to talk to Dad.

I don't know why you're
surprised he's upset.

Why did you have
to get engaged?

And why did you have to tell your father?
He's not stable, Eric.

Okay, fine.
I'll talk to him myself.

Eric, be careful.
I looked deep into Red's eyes, and I saw-

Well, I just saw me upside down and tiny,
but he looked mad.

You know what? I don't care.
I'm going down to Price Mart.

And if I don't come back, then, Donna,
please move on with your life.

Wedding or no wedding, we're still getting
one of those triple-decker cakes.

Oh, working with someone
you have had sex with is the worst thing ever.

I don't know how Donny
and Marie do it.

You know,
sex ruins everything.

No, I disagree, Fez.

I mean, sure, the first time
can be awkward.

Well, it wasn't
for me and Jackie.

You know, maybe I should
tell the story.

Yeah.
It's a great story, Hyde.

You know what, Kelso?
It's gettin' real old.

And the story I remember after your first time
was you didn't call her for a week.

I was gonna skip that part.

Wait. That's right.
You didn't call me.

Oh. That's because he was thinking
about breaking up with you.

What?

No, I told you. I didn't call you 'cause
we were having our phones cleaned!

And then to get back
on your good side...

he bought you a stupid
stuffed unicorn.

Fluffycakes?

Fluffycakes is tainted?

See, he wanted something
from you.

So he bought you a present.
Sound familiar?

Michael, why did you
buy me this sweater?

All right.
It's time to come clean.

I stole the sweater!

Fine. You know what?
Forget it.

I don't want it,
so just take it.

Now we're talking.
Give us a little dance.

[Inhales, Exhales]
Told you it wouldn't work.

I wasn't doing anything!

Hey, let's not fight.

We all saw a littleJackie side-boob.
I think we all won.

[Knocking]

- Hi, Fez. Okay, look-
- Nina...

I know what you're
going to say.

The other night was awful,
and you just want to be friends.

No. I was going to say,
the other night was awful...

and we should practice
and get better at it.

Oh. Well, I have to say,
I don't hate the sound of that. [Chuckles]

So, um, uh, should I make
an appointment, or-

- Just get in the house.
- Okay. One second.

[Singsongy]
I'm going to do it again! I'm going to do it again!

Okay, Dad. You can ignore me...

and you can call my girlfriend names,
but here's the thing.

Donna and I are getting married. Okay?
Whether you like it or not.

But you're too young.
And you're throwing your life away.

Wha-You said I was throwing my life away
when I quit T-ball.

And I was right
about that too.

You're not marrying her,
and that's final.

Well, Dad, you can't stop me.
Okay?

I'm gonna be graduating soon.
I'll be on my own.

I have a job. I mean, I make enough money
to pay for the wedding myself.

Well, that's great.
[Clears Throat]

But you don't have a job.
You're fired.

- What?
- You're fired.

Let's see you pay
for a wedding now.

Punch out
and empty your locker.

Fine!

- But I'm keeping the smock!
- Give me the smock!

- Jackie.
- Hmm?

Happy birthday.

Steven, you shouldn't have!

Oh!

It's a Led Zeppelin T-shirt.

And it's used!

Yeah, that's my favorite one.
You're with me now, so I wanted you to have it.

Oh! Steven, I love it!

- Do I have to wear it?
- No.

[Gasps]
Steven, I love it! Oh!

Well, that was a nice
20 minutes of silence.

Who wants a little kick in their coffee?
I know I do.

You're the dumb-ass!

[Grunts]