That '70s Show (1998–2006): Season 5, Episode 12 - Misty Mountain Hop - full transcript

Here you go, Red:
Belgian waffles.

- What's Belgian about 'em?
- They crumble at the hands of the Nazis.

This bacon is so amazing.

Makes me regret
calling girls pigs all my life.

Why is the loud one
eating my breakfast?

Well, her father's in prison
and her mother's in Mexico.

See, this is what I don't get
about your dad.

If you're arrested for bribery,
can't you just bribe your way out?

I mean, you're a briber.
That's what you do.

My dad is broke. I mean, in fact,
the bank foreclosed on our ski cabin.

Everything's gotta be moved out
this weekend...



and it's all up to me.

And I'm just so very small.

Well, I'd like to help, but...
not as much as I'd like not to.

Too late. Already packed
an overnight bag.

Kitty, why is it we always do what you wanna do
and never do what I wanna do?

It's in the Bible.
(Laughs)

Well, have a fun weekend, Pops.

Oh, you're coming too, pal.
And there's gonna be heavy lifting.

You better bring Donna.

Jackie, why can't Hyde help?

Oh, that's right.
He's your boyfriend.

I... guess that's punishment enough.

Now, I've been with Steven
long enough to know...

the best way to keep our relationship
going smoothly...



is by never asking him to do stuff.

So instead I told him I'd be out of town
this weekend for a big doll expo.

Oh, there's a doll expo?

Man, I've been lookin' for
Jungle-fightin' G.I.Joe.

He's got vine grip
and poisoned darts.

"Poison not included."
(Chuckles)

I left mine out in the rain. He got jungle rot.
I- I had to amputate his foot.

- Okay, so you got plans this weekend?
- Yes, I do.

- No, you don't.
- No, I don't.

All right, good,
'causeJackie's at a doll expo...

so I'm thinkin' you, me, Kelso
sneak up to her cabin...

drink beer till we all look pretty.

Great. Let me get rid of this customer.

Next!

- Read the top letter, please.
- It's an "E."

No!

Fail. Move along.

Wh-What are you talkin' about, man?
That's an "E."

'Kay, I'll give you one more chance.

Read the top letter, please.

- "E."
- No! Double fail!

Double fail?
You made that up.

This, my blind friend, is a capital "E."

The double fail stands.

Hey, wait a second.
Aren't you the guy...

that got caught in the school shower
with the lotion and the Playboy?

Pass, pass. Double pass.
(Chuckles)

- Now, stay with me.
- Yeah. I'll be right on your bumper.

- Don't tailgate.
- I'll keep a safe distance.

Don't lollygag.

- What do I even say?
- Just... smile and nod.

Don't smile and nod.
You look like an idiot.

- You know, I'm kind of excited about this road trip.
- (Van Door Opens)

We've been talkin' about fooling around
in some place new and different-

- (Engine Starts)
- you and me alone in a car
on a country road after dark?

Yeah. And hey, if I don't get lucky with you,
we're bound to run into a farmer's daughter.

Hmm.

This is great: no broads,
just us guys.

We can really get to know each other.

Fez, you try and lure me in the hot tub,
and I'm kickin' your ass.

I'm just saying,
we're all so tense.

Well, we won't be for long.

Last time I was here, I hid a stash.

Just gotta remember where I put it.

I know it was someplace
I could fit my hand.

- Well, that rules out your face.
- What?

Ow!

Am I distracting you,
my big, strong driver man?

Not at all, my... lonely hitchhiker.

Well, how did you get your foot
all the way over here?

You can thank my dad
for the ballet lessons.

I will be sure to send him
a fruit basket.

Wait. Wait a second. Donna,
when did that U-Haul we've been following...

turn into an ice cream truck?

- Oh- Oh, man. We lost Red.
- No. Wait, we can't be that far off-trail.

- (Paper Rustling)
- Let's look atJackie's directions.

Okay. "I-43 to Highway 60.

Head east when it gets different."

- "When it gets different."
What the hell does that mean?
- Wait. Let me see that.

"Go a ways past the... fancy thing...

and turn left at the ugly house."

Oh. Well, if the "fancy thing's" a dead cow,
then we're almost there.

Hey, Kelso,
did you find the stash yet?

No, there's nothin' in the kitchen
I can fit my hand in...

you know, except for the garbage disposal.
(Screams)

(Laughs)

Well, I'm going to the corner
to buy some beer.

Do not get in the hot tub without me.

- (Door Opens)
- Man, it's like-

- (Door Closes)
- that stash is probably starin' me right in the face.

Oh! Ha!

Yeah. It wasn't someplace
I could fit my hand.

- It was someplace that could eat my hand.
- (Vehicle Approaching)

- Hey. There's a truck pullin' up to the cabin.
- (Brakes Squeak)

- Oh, it's Red!
- Is it a fire truck?

The truck's not red.
The guy is Red, man. It's Red Forman.

- Not it.
- (Vehicle Doors Closing)

What? No, I said, "Not it." If playground rules
aren't in effect, this is anarchy.

Okay.Jackie's directions say,
"Pass the place I bought a green sweater.

Don't stop.
The cotton has polyester in it."

This is great. We're lost.

No, we're not lost.
We just need to find our bearings.

(Sighs) Where would she go around here
to find a green sweater?

Why, the green sweater store, Donna.
Good thinking.

Hey, why are you mad at me?

I- Because you need to learn
to control your urges.

If you'd have kept your big foot outta
my bean bags, we wouldn't be in this mess.

Well, excuse me for reading Cosmo
and trying a little somethin'.

If you think you're gettin' the topless nachos now,
you're crazy.

Whatever. Ah, man, now I'm hungry.
I want my Twinkie.

- You packed Twinkies?
- I packed a Twinkie.

There's only one left, and it's mine.
Whoever packed it, snacked it.

- I've been lookin' forward to it all day.
- Oh, you have?

That's nice. That's-
That's very ladylike.

- (Gibberish)
- Eh.

Jackie and the Formans are here.

And we're not supposed to be here.

And this is illegal.
We're busted.

No, you're busted.
I'm out the bathroom window.

What? Get off of me.

(Voice Cracking)
Welcome to the cabin.

- What are you doin' here?
- Yes!

Well, you scared me.
I thought you were a robber.

Now I really need to go to the bathroom.

(Gasps)

Yeah, there was no window in there.

Steven, what are you doing here?

Why don't you tell me?

Oh, my God.
You heard about the foreclosure...

and you knew I lied about the doll expo,
so you came up here to help me move my stuff.

That's exactly what I did.

And you found me out.

Oh, Steven,
I completely misjudged you.

I mean, somehow you've become
the boyfriend I always hoped you could be.

And shame on you
for doubting me.

Hey, I got beer and Pixy Stix.
Let's party.

Hey, we said no broads.

Why do you need alcohol?

Is that beer really gonna
make your lives better?

- Not if you don't let us drink it.
- (Red) Shut it.

Now, let's clear this place out.

If we hurry,
I don't have to sleep here.

I hate nature.

Oh, God. Steven, you know what? I thought you
finally understood what being a couple was about.

Well, what is being a couple?

It's all about give-and-take,
yin and yang.

It's a philosophical paradox...

like a tree falling in the forest
with no one around to hear it.

Does it make a noise?
Who's to say?

Okay. You're just confusing me.

You see? It's murky.
That's what I'm up against.

Oh, my God.
What a load of crap!

Who's to say what crap is?

- (Chuckles)
- Here. Pull my vase.

Oh. I know this one.
No, thank you.

No. Man, it's stuck. I put the stash in here,
and now I can't get my hand out.

Oh, I can help.

(Clicks Tongue) Oh, damn.
I guess I left my Baby Oil in the other pants.

- (Straining)
- This vase smells like chocolate.

Really? Aah!

(Fez Chuckling)

You can't see it,
but I'm flippin' you off right now.

- (Strains)
- What's goin' on?

Oh, just a classic case
of hand stuck in vase.

Well, get it off, or you'll have
a classic case of foot stuck in ass.

- (Groans)
- Hey, what's the teeny writing
on the bottom of the vase say?

- What teeny writing? Aah!
- (Both Giggling)

Stop doing that!

Get smarter!

(Objects Clattering)

Steven, would you be careful?
That's my trophy for Prettiest Ballerina.

(Gasps)
Oh, but that's right.

You don't care about stuff
that's important to me.

Hey, you know what? You're the one who lied
and said you were going to a doll expo.

- Should've just told me what's goin' on with you.
- I shouldn't have to tell you.

Okay? You should just know.

- So-
- (Kicks Box)

I'm just supposed to magically know that
"I'm going to a doll expo" is Jackiespeak...

for, uh, "My parents' cabin is being foreclosed on.
I need help cleaning it out"?

Yes.

Steven, my family is falling apart,
and you've never, ever even asked about it.

If you cared, you'd figure out what was
goin' on with me and find a way to help.

Jackie, that's crazy.

The only time people I know find a way to help
is when they're cuttin' a deal with the D.A.

(Groans)

- (Clatters)
- Whatever happens, you're drivin' her back.

She talked so much
on the way here...

I thought I was gonna have to strap her
to the hood of the van like a deer.

Boy, Jackie looks mad.

Yeah. I cheated on her, like, a hundred times,
and she never looked that pissed.

Come on, Kelso.
Grab that end of the couch.

I've had it with that vase.
I'm gettin' a hammer.

Oh, come on. What the-
Why won't this thing come off? (Strains)

Like, my hand wouldn't be so big
if I didn't have to hold this stupid bag.

You're holding the bag? Just-
(Sputters) let go, you moron!

Fine.

Wow. It's like the world's greatest pinata.
(Chuckles)

What the hell happened here?

Steven...

what's in the bag?

The Packers winnin' next year's Super Bowl-
That's what's in the bag.

Is that what I think it is?

If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Honey-

Honey, paprika is red.

If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Green paprika?

Hyde, what am I lookin' for here?

(Sternly)
Oregano.

If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

(No Audible Dialogue)

Did Jackie say anything
about Davis Street?

Not unless it's "the street
where I dropped my gum that time."

All right. That's it.
We're goin' home.

- (Exhales)
- And, Donna, I'm sorry about
what I said about your urges.

I love your urges.
They've been... very good to me.

Hmm. Thanks.
They do what they can.

Um, I'm waiting for my apology.

- For what?
- For that Twinkie you inhaled?

Are you serious?

(Scoffs)
Okay. I'm sorry I ate your Twinkie.

You rolled your eyes.
It doesn't count if you roll your eyes.

- Okay. I'm sorry I ate your Twinkie.
- Wh-You rolled your eyes again!

- It was just a stupid Twinkie!
- It was my Twinkie, Donna.

(Quietly)
It was my Twinkie.

Do you idiots realize
how much trouble you're in?

How can that bathroom
not have a window?

Wh-What's goin' on?

Well, apparently Hyde had a stash
that none of us knew anything about.

Especially me- (Chuckles)
though I think Fez knew too.

That's the way you want it? Fine.
You have to sleep sometime.

Okay, shut it.

I'm calling your parents.

I'm calling Immigration.

And you-

I warned you once about this crap.

Now I have no choice.
You're outta the house.

- No, wait. Look, that stash wasn't his. It was mine.
- Jackie-

- Let me talk.
- Yeah, Hyde. Let her talk.

Okay. Look, it's just- I've been having such
a hard time since my dad's been in jail...

that I was looking for anything
that just might make me feel better.

Mrs. Forman, it's like you with your menopause
and all that wine you're always drinkin'.

(Kelso)
No.

Well, you shut your dirty, little mouth.

Now, Steven, you tell me the truth right now.
Is this yours or not?

Mr. Forman, I'm telling you the truth.
It's not mine.

Okay. Fine.

Well, I don't care whose it is.
I'm throwin' it in the lake.

What? I paid 20 bucks for that.

You got my parents' number.

That'll teach you to sell me out,
you son of a bitch!

All right. All right. All right.
Let's go.

So, I snuck up here behind your back...

we have a huge fight,
and then you do something nice for me.

It's like when the Grinch stole Christmas,
but all the little Whos sang anyway.

I don't know. It's just what people do
for the people they care about.

- Nobody I ever knew.
- That's 'cause you were poor,
and poor people are bad.

But, look, it's like what I was
talkin' about before.

I sensed you were in trouble, and I look for
a way to help you without you having to ask me.

Jackie, to be fair, you heard Red say,
"Hyde, you're out of the house"...

not "Hyde, you're going to a doll expo."

- Well, anyway, thank you.
- Mmm.

- Oh, so can you help me move
the mirror in the bathroom?
- What mirror?

The one covering up the window.

- Ah. That was a great trip.
- Yeah. Can't wait to do it again.

Okay. Okay. Donna, I think...

I may have overreacted a little bit.

I mean, there are plenty
ofTwinkies in the world.

I mean, sure, there was only one in the car,
and... you did go Godzilla on it...

but... look, I'm sorry.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,
it didn't taste very good.

- I think it was a knockoff.
- Yeah, my mom buys "Twonkies."

Look, Donna, we had a goal
at the beginning of this trip.

We were gonna be romantic
in some place new and different...

and I am a man who likes
to finish what he started.

So may I suggest...

on my kitchen table?

Wha-

You know what? Okay. All right. Yeah,
your parents won't be home until tomorrow.

Oh, my God. You're going for this?
Okay. Okay.

Great.
What the hell was in that "Twonkie"?

- (Door Slides Shut)
- (Van Door Closes)

You believe that kid? First he doesn't show up,
then he blocks the driveway.

Well, I will just be happy
to get back in our nice, quiet house.

- Oh, my... God!
- (Donna) Oh, my God!

All right.
It's Donna's butt.

Damn it!
That's where I eat dinner!

Scrub, damn it!

I am scrubbing as hard as I can.

This cleanser isn't strong enough.

Kitty, it's bleach and lighter fluid.
There is nothing stronger.

Well, it is not strong enough.

- Nope. No good.
- We need a new table.